On the 1st Day of Christmas We Went to the 3rd Floor...
"Fred?"
"Yeah Georgie?"
"I'm bored. Can we do something exciting this holiday?"
"You know what Georgie? Me too. Any ideas?"
"How about that corridor Dumbledore mentioned at the Opening Feast?"
"I heard Tamsin Applebee found the entrance to the Underworld."
"..."
"..."
"I'm in."
On the first day of Christmas we went to the third floor,
And we fought a three headed dog!
"Guess she was right."
"Guess she was. What next d'ya reckon?"
"Dunno, could be anything."
On the second day of Christmas we went to the third floor,
Wrestled devil's snare,
And we fought a three headed dog!
"Well that was certainly something."
"Are there normally plants in the Underworld? We should tell Tamsin her theory's rubbish."
"Meh. I thought it was fun. We should do it again tomorrow."
"How do you fight off devil's snare?"
"Lumos, I think. Granger was going on about it in the Common Room the other week."
On the third day of Christmas we went to the third floor,
Cast lumos,
Wrestled devil's snare,
And we fought a three headed dog!
"Freddie, I'm starting to think this is some kind of obstacle course. You don't normally find dogs like that in a school."
"Maybe it's guarding something."
"Like what, the entrance to the Underworld?"
"I told you that was Tamsin not me!"
"... Sure it was."
"Through the next door tomorrow then?"
"Might as well."
On the fourth day of Christmas we went to the third floor,
Chased flying keys,
Cast lumos,
Wrestled devil's snare,
And we fought a three headed dog!
"I knew quidditch was useful for something."
"You call being able to get through a random obstacle course with no apparent purpose 'useful'?"
"..."
"... I agree."
"I do have one question."
"What is it?"
"Where did they find so many keys? Did they steal them?"
"Oh I hope so, that would be so funny."
"Come to think of it I haven't seen the key to our bathroom since June."
On the fifth day of Christmas we went to the third floor,
Climbed on stone horses!
Chased flying keys,
Cast lumos,
Wrestled devil's snare,
And we fought a three headed dog!
"Ouch."
"That was rather painful."
"Hence the 'ouch'."
"You always have all the good lines, George."
"You can be George tomorrow then."
"Aw thanks Fred."
"Not today! Tomorrow!"
"Sorry. I got overexcited. Now, how exactly does one play chess?"
"No idea. These pieces weren't very useful."
"I know! I asked my horse to give me advise so many times and it just ignored me, so rude."
"Let's go find Ronniekins."
On the sixth day of Christmas we went to the third floor,
Put the King in Checkmate,
Climbed on stone horses!
Chased flying keys,
Cast lumos,
Wrestled devil's snare,
And we fought a three headed dog!
"Remind me to get something nice for Ron for Christmas, Fred."
"Oi! I'm George today, remember?"
"Sorry Gred, my bad."
"And Christmas was yesterday you dolt."
"Next year then.
"Wonder what's next. Surely we've got to be near the end by now."
"Oh I do hope not. We've still got ages 'til the others get back to school."
"Hey Fred?"
"Yes Fred?"
"I'm George you donkey!"
"Sorry, my bad. Please, George, continue."
"Do we have to remember how to beat that chess thing each time we come through? Because that seems unlikely to happen."
"Oh dear. I hope not."
On the seventh day of Christmas we went to the third floor,
Knocked out a mountain troll,
Put the King in Checkmate,
Climbed on stone horses!
Chased flying keys,
Cast lumos,
Wrestled devil's snare,
And we fought a three headed dog!
"That was more like it!"
"D'ya think that was the same one Ronniekins knocked out at Hallowe'en?"
"What, you think trolls can apparate?"
"Shut up Fred, I-"
"I'm not Fred, you're Fred!"
"That was yesterday you pillock."
"And today. But please, continue."
"I thought we agreed Hallowe'en was a prank from Peeves."
"And how do you propose Peeves extracted Sir Stomps-a-Lot from that chamber?"
"That's a fair point Gred."
"And why a girls' bathroom?"
"More to the point why was Ronniekins in a girls' bathroom?"
"He says he was waiting for Granger..."
"That's like us telling Percy we wanted help with our Potions essay earlier."
"I think he looks alright with purple hair. Also, we don't actually have a Potions essay, right?"
On the eighth day of Christmas we went to the third floor,
Stared at lots of bottles,
Knocked out a mountain troll,
Put the King in Checkmate,
Climbed on stone horses!
Chased flying keys,
Cast lumos,
Wrestled devil's snare,
And we fought a three headed dog!
"Why did you have to go and jinx it like that, George?"
"I thought you were George?"
"You just had to go and mention Potions."
"In all fairness the pink hair thing was funny."
"I thought it was purple?"
"How are we supposed to solve that riddle thing though?"
"Ask Granger?"
"Can't - she's gone home for the holidays."
"Damn. What did she have to do that for, eh?"
"We could ask Angelina."
"Not a bad shout, Fred."
"I thought you were Fred?"
"She is very smart for a quidditch player."
"I thought for sure she would fail at least one exam last year with that concussion during finals."
"Didn't she get a P in History?"
"Yeah but she got an E in Potions."
"What are we waiting for then?"
On the ninth day of Christmas we went to the third floor,
Tried to solve a riddle,
Stared at lots of bottles,
Knocked out a mountain troll,
Put the King in Checkmate,
Climbed on stone horses!
Chased flying keys,
Cast lumos,
Wrestled devil's snare,
And we fought a three headed dog!
"Well that didn't help at all."
"Don't look at me Fred, it was your idea."
"Was it? Hang on I think I was George yesterday."
"Don't be ridiculous Forge, I distinctly remember calling you Fred at least twice."
"Well whoever's idea it was, it clearly didn't work. What should we do next time?"
"I've got a bit of an idea, but if it goes wrong you can't blame me ok."
"Ok..."
"Right, so what I'm thinking is - we just go along the row and-"
"-Drink all the bottles?"
"Merlin's pants! Gred that's a horrible idea."
"I thought I was Forge?"
"Have you not read that stupid riddle thing?"
"Do you think I've got nothing better to do than read clues in an escape room?"
"... Fair point."
"Anyway. Please, continue."
"There's literally poisons there. We could die."
"Exciting."
"There's also alcohol, so..."
"Why didn't you say so sooner?"
On the tenth day of Christmas we went to the third floor,
Got a little drunk,
Tried to solve a riddle,
Stared at lots of bottles,
Knocked out a mountain troll,
Put the King in Checkmate,
Climbed on stone horses!
Chased flying keys,
Cast lumos,
Wrestled devil's snare,
And we fought a three headed dog!
"I told you it was a dumb idea."
"You literally told me to drink that last one."
"Oh yeah. I forgot about that."
"I think Ronniekins saw us in the Common Room just now, he might be on to us."
"C'mon then George."
"Wait, what?"
"We need to put the fear of Our Mother into him."
"Do you think he'll write to her?"
"Unlikely. I don't think he even knows the alphabet. Granger on the other hand..."
"Isn't she in France or something?"
"Not a clue, Freddie, but I ain't taking any chances with that one."
"So how do we get past that room?"
"Is it even possible?"
"Fred Gideon Weasley how could you possibly imply such a thing!"
"I thought you were Fred?"
"Our plan-"
"-Your plan-"
"-For today was perfect."
"The alcohol literally set on fire and nearly burnt down the entire room but ok."
"We know which ones are flammable now."
"So, all of them."
On the eleventh day of Christmas we went to the third floor,
Walked through the fire,
Got a little drunk,
Tried to solve a riddle,
Stared at lots of bottles,
Knocked out a mountain troll,
Put the King in Checkmate,
Climbed on stone horses!
Chased flying keys,
Cast lumos,
Wrestled devil's snare,
And we fought a three headed dog!
"Well at least we got through the riddle thing."
"Says the one who tripped over literal flames and smacked his head on the floor."
"I don't know what you're talking about George."
"Yeah, that's the concussion."
"Wait, am I George?"
"No you were right the first time, I think."
"First time for everything I suppose."
"But remember I'm Fred tomorrow."
"Did I say that?"
"Oh definitely."
"When?"
"... This morning."
"... Aight that checks out."
"How do you trip over fire anyway? Isn't it gaseous?"
"I still don't believe that actually happened. Your stories are about as real as Australia."
"Says the person who accidentally caught a portkey to New South Wales."
"Isn't that in Wales?"
"I hope for your sake that you're joking because when Mum hears this you'll be six feet under pushing up daisies."
"She's not even Welsh."
"But Celestina Warbeck is."
"Oh damn..."
"If you don't wake up in the morning your alarm clock will be a brick, let me warn you now."
"Don't worry my head doesn't even hurt that much."
On the twelfth day of Christmas we went to the third floor,
Looked in a mirror,
Walked through the fire,
Got a little drunk,
Tried to solve a riddle,
Stared at lots of bottles,
Knocked out a mountain troll,
Put the King in Checkmate,
Climbed on stone horses!
Chased flying keys,
Cast lumos,
Wrestled devil's snare,
And we fought a three headed dog!
"Well that was anticlimactic."
"What does that mean?"
"That it's your own fault for not visiting Pomfrey last night because I did warn you."
"That you did."
"You picked up the prize didn't you? What was it?"
"A box of those expensive chocolate philosopher's stones."
"Genuine? Or those weird knockoffs that they sell down Knockturn."
"Hard to tell."
"You reckon they'd really give us methamphetamine in a school?"
"Actually that's a fair point. They're probably knockoffs."
"You're more concussed than I thought. The meth ones are the knockoffs."
"Exactly."
"Oh sweet mother of Merlin. They won't give meth to schoolchildren."
"Well have you eaten any of Dumbledore's sherbet lemons? There's something unnatural in them, I'm telling you."
"Yeah, but it's not meth."
"How do you know?"
"It's a muggle sweet, so it's probably just an artificial sweetener of some kind."
"You listen to Dad's ramblings?"
"You don't?"
"No I do, I just didn't realise anyone else did."
"You are so dumb."
"I'm still the smarter twin."
"You've got concussion."
"Exactly."
"Oh for the love of Merlin- Give me those!"
Wishing you a very merry Christmas from Fred and George Weasley, and everyone else here at Hogwarts.
(Just to clarify, we do not, in fact, provide methamphetamine to minors under our care. We take this very seriously.)
(Once you're 17, you're fair game.)