What Happens in the Staffroom Stays in the Staffroom

Professor Snape watched as the yearly batch of new inmates - ahem, students - flocked into the Great Hall behind Minerva. They seemed to get smaller every year. He could already see a few snakelings in the crowd, just based on how they interacted with those around them.

For example, Hydrogen Peroxide Junior carried himself as though he knew he were better than those around him and there was a noticeable distance even from those he was jostling in the confusion. In contrast, Fire Truck the Sixth fawned over the uncomfortable looking boy next to him like he was one of his many brothers.

All of a sudden Albus cooed from his throne at the centre of the table, "Ooh Minerva, Minerva! Look - it's Harry Potter! Five galleons he's a Gryffindor."

"I am not taking that bet Albus." She snapped, picking up her list and the Sorting Hat.

Severus shuddered at the mere thought of being in the castle with a Potter again. Once was quite enough for him, thank you very much. And it was no wonder Fire Truck was obsessed with him. He probably found out he could afford more than one chocolate frog a year and fell over himself at the thought of such riches.

The Sorting Hat opened it's mouth.

By now it was habit to simply tune out of whatever gods-awful song was being recited. He was sure his brain would have melted years ago if he'd listened to as many sortings as he'd sat through. And they were always so long, too. Did the Sorting Hat have nothing better to do during the year that compose horrific poetry?

Stupid question.

Of course it didn't.

Perhaps a tongue-tying curse might work for next year...

After a few more minutes Severus noticed people beginning to clap so he started listening again.

Minerva stepped forward again and cleared her throat.

"Abbott, Hannah" she called.

Amanda Thripp stumbled up to the stool, blonde pigtails swaying from side to side. What would she look like being tossed through the air like a hammer? No. Bad Severus. He chided himself sternly. No fantasising about throwing children out the window. We discussed this last year.

She was quickly sent on her way to the badger table.

"Bones, Susan" was next.

Hmm. This one was a Not-Weasley, he decided.

He never bothered to learn names, what with however many hundreds of students he'd taught over the years. It was far too much effort. No, it was so much easier this way. Especially when there's a family like the Weasleys with a quidditch team of children. Instead of remembering whether the eldest was called Patrick or Wilhelmina he was just Fire Truck the First. See? Simple!

Not-Weasley soon joined her friend in yellow.

This was quite a good omen for Pomona this year. The first two new students sorting into her house. The badgers would be a tough cohort to beat. And with the addition of the obstacle course as well...

There would be a fair few bets leaning their way.

A few names later Budget Julia Roberts became Minerva's first new cub of the year.

She sat down to raucous cheers and the Deputy Headmistress had to wait for a couple of minutes before she could continue.

Ouch.

This wasn't great for him. Slytherin still didn't have any first-years. Being the last house to get anyone was a blow that he couldn't afford if they were going to win the obstacle course.

Baba Yaga became a snakeling right after, but it was already too late for them. He could feel Minerva smirking at him even without looking Severus definitely did not have high hopes for this year.

The next few snakes did not raise his hopes one iota of a jot.

Tweedle-Dumb, Tweedle-Stupider, and some Jane Smith who was honestly kind of mid. Why this year of all years? And on top of all this he would have to deal with Hydrogen Peroxide Junior. Could this year get any worse? Maybe he'd sic Peroxide onto Dumb and Stupider so they could all keep each other out of too much trouble. That wasn't a bad idea.

He wrote it down on his napkin while the Sorting Hat sent Female Mufasa to her pride, a task which took a surprisingly long time. Almost a hat-stall, in fact. That would increase Minerva's chances; hat-stalls were always interesting.

She would be worth betting on. Only a couple of galleons, but she would definitely manage the course.

By the end of the Sorting Ceremony Severus had a few ideas about which snakes he could take under his wing. Each year he nurtured the best and brightest of his house so they could reach their potential unbounded by the school curriculum. He himself had fond memories of Professor Slughorn doing the same for him. It was the least he could do to pass on that kindness.

After dinner Severus made his way down to the Slytherin Common Room to acquaint himself with his new students. And to terrify the house into behaving for another year. It was his favourite pastime - giving kids nightmares. The Gryffindors were the funniest because they all tried to 'fight the system' like the French Resistance or something, whereas terrorising Hufflepuffs was more like kicking puppies. Much less satisfying.

"First I will split all of you into your dormitory groups. No complaints. No changes. This will be your sleeping arrangements for the next seven years so I would advise you to carefully consider who you start a blood feud with lest you come to regret that in years to come. Mister Pucey can attest to that, if you wish to ask him at some point." He smirked at the poor boy.

In all honesty it wasn't Maze Runner (Adrian Pucey)'s fault that Peer Gynt (Marcus Flint) was a sore loser. He loses a game of gobstones once and suddenly the perpetrator is off the quidditch team and a pariah in their dormitory. Talk about an over reaction.

"Anyways. The Dorm Listings are as follows:

• Baba Yaga Millicent Bulstrode
• Jane Smith Tracey Davis
• Cinderella Daphne Greengrass
• and Princess Fiona Pansy Parkinson

• Goth Tinkerbell Lilian Moon
• Angelina Ballerina Fiona Spinks
• and Anne with an E Elizabeth Runcorn

• Tweedle-Dumb Vincent Crabbe
• Tweedle-Stupider Gregory Goyle
• Hydrogen Peroxide Junior Draco Malfoy
• and Sweeney Todd Oliver Pike

• Philip Pirrip Theodore Nott
• Augustus Caesar Nikolai Prince
• Robert the Bruce Nathaniel Urquhart
• and Baby Widow Blaise Zabini"

Severus raised his voice above the sudden chatter, "If you have any complaints, first of all no you don't, second of all sort it out yourselves I don't wish to be bothered. That is all. Goodnight. I hope we never see each other again. Urquhart, Zabini, Greengrass, Prince and Moon, come with me."

Once they were safely ensconced in his office he turned to the five students he'd handpicked from that year's cohort.

Raking a critical eye over them, he mused that it could have been so much worse. Even if the others left a lot to be desired at least these five seemed vaguely competent. And he wasn't biased just because Prince was his cousin's son. Even if he was, he hated his cousin so it would have the opposite effect.

"You five seem the least imbecilic of my charges this year. You will join others from this house for extra tutelage every Tuesday and Thursday in Dungeon 9. Ask Chris Dearborn if you have any questions. And Caesar, I want you to tell Higgs that I expect every single member of that group to complete the gauntlet on the 3rd Floor or there will be consequences."

Okay maybe he was lying when he said he wasn't biased towards his nephew. He was tolerable which was more than could be said for other people's children.

"Remember," and here he fixed all of them with a stern glare, "Don't mention this opportunity to anyone not involved or Dumbledore will tell me off for favouritism again."

They shared a chuckle, and Severus panicked at the thought that maybe they didn't fear him as much as they were supposed to.

"Now GET OUT!" he shouted after the bonding moment had gone on for too long.

Eurghh - emotions. Now where did he leave his epipen?