Hidden Intentions
Do I love him? Do I hate him? I guess it's up and down
If I had to choose, I would say right now
I wanna get him back
Ursa gives Peter room to breathe for a week, almost two, he doesn’t even so much as catch a glimpse of her the entire time (except for Quidditch practice where she wolf whistles alongside Benji the whole time as he shouts crude and graphic things Madam Hooch goes up to the bleachers to scold him for).
Peter knows it was foolish to hope the lucky streak would continue but hope is the last thing one loses. He freezes when he walks into his transfiguration class and none other than Ursa Black is sitting on one of the desks by the front “What are you doing here?” Sirius frowns at her
“I’m here to learn” she says easily
“This isn’t your class”
“Brilliant observation Siri” she somehow delivers the sarcasm in her meaning without any inflection in her voice or so much as a twitch of muscle on her smile, it’s all in her eyes. Not for the first time –and despite himself– Peter’s fascinated by those dark gray things. Stupid eyes. Stupid Ursa.
“What are you doing here?” Peter hisses, mostly mad at himself for being distracted by her eyes
“I had a free period and your class seemed interesting” she shrugs and Sirius narrows his eyes into two thin slits
“Come on Pads, let's sit at the back” Remus purposely avoids her gaze
“Ooh! Does that mean we can make out until McGonagal gets here?” easy as that Sirius forgets all about his sister's presence
“If you start making out with Lupin I’ll start making out with Peter!” Ursa calls back at her brother as he skips after his boyfriend. Peter knows his cheeks turn a soft pink but he pretends that isn't happening “Sit, Pet” it’s an order and this time she doesn’t even lightly veil it
“Why isn’t Reg with you? You’re stealing my transfiguration partner” James pouts
“You can sit with us Prongs” He pats between them with a desperate silent plea and James, always the loyal one, crawls up the desk to get there, right in the middle
“Third wheeling, James?” Marlene chuckles on her way to her desk with Mary
“Yes!” James says cheerfully, hooking an arm around Ursa’s neck and yanking her forwards “we’re friends now”
“Are you on drugs?” her question seems genuine as she brushes his touch off her
“He had a little too much coffee this morning”
“And an orgasm!” he adds both cheerfully and unnecessarily. Ursa turns to him with a frown and Peter can’t tell what’s going on in her eyes, so deep and enigmatic, he hates that he can’t figure out what’s the intriguing thing about them. He hates that he finds them interesting. She snaps her fingers on one side of his face, then the other. James follows her hand with his eyes, she snaps them in front of him, above him, beneath his chin, and finally palm-smacks him on the forehead. Peter snorts at the abruptness of it and hates himself for it. Ursa looks smug and James pouts rubbing his forehead “Ouchie”
“Sorry, too tempting to pass up on.” she doesn’t look sorry in the slightest “Just drink this to be safe” she hands him a tiny vial from her bag
“What’s that?”
“It counters veritaserum”
“And you just carry that around in your backpack.”
“You don’t?”
“Is that a normal thing Slytherins do?”
“No,” she corrects him easily, breezily, with a wave of her hand “just a normal Black family thing”
“Sirius doesn’t do that”
“Sorry, you’re right. A smart Black family thing”
“Regulus does this too?”
“It was his idea actually”
“Oh, baby” James deflates just thinking of Regulus in a situation where he felt the need to carry that thing wherever he goes. Ursa nudges him with the potion’s flask and James takes it with his mind still on Regulus. Peter’s hand shoots out and clutches his wrist before he can chug it down.
“How do we know that’s what it really is?” it’s only when he says this that he notices the silence around them. When did they cast the silencing spell? He sees Ursa's hand holding her wand lazily under the table but there’s no way she knows wordless casting, is there? She’s only now in fifth year and they learn that in sixth. Today in fact, this exact class. She shouldn’t know how to wandlessly conjure things either. A thought sparkles in his mind “have you taken this class before?”
“Of course not. James, take the potion”
“James, don’t take the potion”
“It’s okay, I trust her” James assures him and she looks at him smug. Surprisingly, that doesn’t soothe Peter’s worries
“I don’t. You shouldn’t”
“Peter, it’s fine”
“Good boy” she bops James’ nose and with Ursa that’s considered progress, so he takes it “Now pay attention” she nods ahead and only then Peter realizes McGonagal is in the classroom already. The silence around them muddles out into the dying chatter of their classmates. Peter can even make out Remus’ pay attention Pads and Sirius’ but you’re much more interesting to look at.
McGonagal instructs them on how to turn wordlessly a match into a needle. She demonstrates it first, gives them the theory –Lily has plenty of questions for Minerva Ursa seems keenly interested in–, she shows them one more time how to do it before it’s their turn to give it a whirl. James manages it on the first try. He’s the only one. Even Lily, Remus and Sirius have to give it a few tries before they manage it. Ursa is suspiciously not attempting it and Peter keeps failing to turn a match into a needle “You just need to relax Pete, you’ll get it” James cheers him on the way he always so kindly does and it only reminds him of the fact that he hasn’t gotten it right “You just,” he demonstrates it by pointing his wand at the needle and turning it back into a match like it’s easy
“Very good Mr Potter, five points for Gryffindor”
“Thank you professor” he beams at her and because Peter is feeling tiny, petty and like a failure, he mocks him
“That’s mature” Ursa notes
“Oh, bite me” he waves her off. She cocks a brow at him, smug as always, and does just that, she bites the soft flesh of his arm “Ouch! I didn’t mean literally”
“James, why don’t you go help someone who will actually appreciate you?” Ursa doesn’t look away from Peter, so unimpressed that Peter shrinks under it. Because even if she’s the one saying it, it is objectively true.
“You know what? I will” James scoffs but shoots him an encouraging smile and thumbs up as he goes because he’s just too good for this world
“You’re getting too much in your head about it” she says casting a silencing spell around them, this time muttered under her breath
“What would you know about it?”
“Aren’t manipulative bitches by definition always in their own heads?” He glares at her attempt to lighten the mood. She smiles at him undeterred and it tastes acidic “I know you don’t trust me so I won’t try to convince you that you can do this, but let me just remind you that you became an animagus when you were only 15 years old with cero adult supervision”
“That was different”
“Yes. It was way harder than this.” He rolls his eyes and she rolls hers back “How did you manage to do that?”
“I don’t know” he admits through clenched teeth
“What were you thinking about?”
“Lots of things, it’s a long process”
“Then what was your motivation?”
“How is any of this relevant?”
“Well unlike you, I know a thing or two about the theory of magic. In some cases what makes the spell strong isn’t the spell itself but what’s behind it. Strong emotions can make up for lack of talent in most types of intuitive magic, why do you think James and Sirius are so good at it? They feel, deeply”
“What’s your excuse for being good then?”
“You wouldn’t believe me even if I told you. You wouldn’t believe any answer I give you” she isn’t wrong “Were you nervous about it?” with a grumpy sigh, wishing he was next to anybody but her, he nods “but you still did it. Why did you do it?”
“I just wanted to be there for Moony”
“You wanted to help your friend.”
“Don’t suppose you could relate to that” he scoffs
“I would bring the world down to its knees for my people, you’re just not one of them. And do I need to remind you, you don’t want to be” he limits himself to just rolling his eyes “Think of them”
“What?”
“Focus on your friends when you cast it. Do it for them”
“Turn a match into a needle for them?” he furrows his brows at her and for a second he’s too confused to be mad
“Yeah. Pretend they’re soaked in lighter fluid, someone will use that match to light them on fire and you don’t have enough time to speak the spell”
“That’s specific, is it by chance a fantasy of yours?”
“I’m far too good of a wizard for that. Now save your friends” he rolls his eyes and sighs, trying it is better than to keep on talking to her, so he gives it whirl.
He closes his eyes and— nope, he opens them back up “can you go to the other end of the room? I can’t shut my eyes and imagine anything with you beside me, my brain’s too aware of how dangerous you are” He hopes it hurts her but judging by her smile, she’s flattered by it. She pecks his cheek, it’s a scorching burn he twitches with the desire to wipe away but knows he can’t.
She saunters over to Lily and sits on her desk, she doesn’t seem to mind as she easily engages her in conversation. Judging by the sparkle in Lily’s eyes, they’re talking about school work, probably this class’ exact topic.
Peter shakes his head to clear all thoughts of her from his mind. He closes his eyes and does just as she said: he pictures his best friends about to burn. He pretends there’s nothing creepy about it too. He points at the match and repeats the incantation clear in his mind. The match turns to metal. He pinches the needle between his thumb and index. Ursa meets his gaze across the room with a smug smirk. He turns firmly away from her and stares crossedeyed at his needle
“You did it!” James cheers coming back to his side
“Yeah. Only took you almost dying”
“What?” James frowns at him
“Nevermind. I did it” James holds up his hand for a hi-five and Peter meets it
I met a guy in the summer, and I left him in the spring
He argued with me about everything
He had an ego and a temper and a wandering eye
He said he's six-foot-two, and I'm like, "Dude, nice try"
But he was so much fun, and he had such weird friends
The next time he sees her she’s come up with a way to keep their distance while still keeping up their little dating charade. She declares that he’ll finally draw her. He suddenly doesn’t want to do it anymore. She’s still pretty, but he can’t find the beauty in her to draw it. He can only see the evil and wretched. So he draws that, the vile and thorny edges to her delicate face. He tunes out her voice, rambling about something so that to everyone else it’ll look like they’re happy and talking. She doesn’t seem to be looking for a response. In fact, she’s merely reciting her last potions class to herself, not that he notices, too pent up in his own anger. He clutches his pencil far too tight as draws lines and curves and shades
“I’m done. We can stop pretending now” there’s a silencing charm up, as usual. She bats her lashes at him with a grin and nears him to look at the drawing. The red and charcoal figure on the page shares her same plastic smile but it drips with a poison not easily spotted on the in flesh replica
“Really? A demon? You drew me as a demon?”
“Yeah, you’re right. I forgot the tail” he gets right on that, fixing that mistake
“Actually, I like it, can I keep it?” she reaches her hand out to take it but he slams his sketchbook shut
“No”
“Okay” she pulls her hand back and smiles at him like nothing’s amiss because the show must always go on “you should get going, otherwise you’ll be late for History of Magic” she fixes his tie and sends him off.
The next time he simply draws the tree behind her instead. When she asks for it he crumbles it up in his fist, she doesn’t react. He walks away without another word. He knows he should put more vigor into his acting, but he can’t really find it in him to care enough to actually follow through with it, it’s more than enough simply showing up for this.
He said I was the only girl, but that just wasn't the truth
And when I told him how he hurt me, he'd tell me I was trippin'
But I am my father's daughter, so maybe I could fix him
"Are you alright Pete?" James take the chance to talk to him when it’s just the two of them alone in their dorm
"Yeah. I'm just worried about Sirius, he seemed excited to have his sister back"
"I know" James hums "I'm worried too, and I don't want this whole thing to get between him and Regulus just when Regulus finally stopped being mean to moony" Peter snorts, shaking his head and James looks up at him "what's so funny?"
"She's the reason. I asked her to talk to him and of course it was so easy for her to get him to do exactly what she wanted. There’s a reason Snape hasn’t retaliated. He always retaliates. She did something to him and we might never know what— And not just with Snape. We're just puppets on her strings waiting for her to yank on them, and we don't even know how many strings we’re tangled on"
"Isn't that poetic?" Ursa calls leaning against the doorframe "and entirely melodramatic, you've been spending far too much time with my brother" she shuts the door behind her “and relax, I just threatened him a little”
“And that worked? We’ve threatened him a few times too many to know that doesn’t work with him”
“Well I guess I’m just better at threatening people than you are. Or just more believable”
“What do you want?” Peter snaps at her
“Oh, sweetheart, did I hurt your feelings?” she pouts at him with such a malicious streak he thinks Sirius might’ve played down just how much she’s fucked him up
“We were all getting along so well, what happened?” James wonders
“What happened is that she’s a heartless psychopath” Peter snaps
“Stop acting like a wronged lover or something, this isn’t even about you”
“Can’t you see how that makes it worse?! You did it to hurt Sirius! You hurt the people around him just to get to him! Can’t you see how psychotic that is? And you did it before he actually did anything, just an ace up your sleeve in case he did something you didn’t like! Can’t you see how fucked up that is?! How fucked up you are?! What else have you done that we don’t know about?! What else are you going to do?” he paces the room and yanks on the roots of his blond hair, hair she chose, hair she dyed and grew. He feels like a dirty prop
“I’ll let you in on a little secret Peter,” she tells him with a smug smirk taking a step closer into his space and whispers and admission “I don’t actually have to do anything, just gotta make you believe I did” Peter’s hand falls limp to his side
“What?”
“You didn’t know Marlene would say no?” James asks from his bed
“Do you think I’m psychic or something? Of course I didn’t”
“You’re lying” Peter tells her
“Aw, you flatter me”
“And Palmer, are you really planning on using her as a… replacement?”
“Not until he suggested it”
“Bullshit. You’re lying.”
“She just said she didn’t, and she’s right, there’s no way she would’ve known about Marlene”
“You knew. Didn’t you? Tell me the truth” he stares into her eyes and they do something so fast he misses it. He wills it to come back so he can inspect it, dissect it, understand it
“The truth doesn’t matter. You won’t believe me either way”
“I believe you” James offers her and she smiles softly at him. Too softly, that’s how he knows it’s fake
“She’s lying James. I’m sure of it.” the emotion in her eyes seems so genuine, he still can’t figure out how she carves that illusion
“Whatever” she turns away from him “can you give this to my brother?”
“What is it?”
“Relax. It’s just his sweater. I’m gonna go, I’ll leave you two alone and safe from my wicked claws” Ursa tells them
“Ursa—”
“It’s fine James, don’t worry about it” she shuts the door behind her and James turns to him
“She wouldn’t have known”
“She’s Ursa. James, she knows things she shouldn’t all the time”
“I don’t think she had a way of knowing this. Honestly, I think sometimes she just pretends she has everything figured out when she doesn’t. Just like all of us, only she’s better at it”
“Can we please talk about something else? I’m hungry, let's go down to the kitchens”
“Okay”
I wanna key his car (I want to get him back)
I wanna make him lunch (But then I, I want to get him back; woo)
I wanna break his heart (But then I, I want to get him back; yeah, you got it)
Then be the one to stitch it up (But then I, I want to get him back; yeah)
“What do you think, Moony?” Sirius turns this way and that, showing off his outfit
“Not so sure about the shirt, maybe try something else on” Sirius nods diligently and swings it over his shirt looking around for a different one “Perfect” he hums and saunters over to him. He slips his hands across Sirius’ bare chest and kisses his smile.
“Idiot” he turns around and deepens the kiss with a red flush only Remus can put on his cheeks. Remus cards his fingers through his hair and tangles it up in a fist the way he knows makes Sirius gasp “No! We’re meant to go on a date, stop distracting me, now I have to do my hair again”
“I don’t mind waiting, so long as you do so like this” he runs a thumb down Sirius’ bare sternum as he bites his lip “I could stare at you for hours”
“You wouldn’t get tired of me?”
“Trust me, you’d sooner get tired of me than—”
“I could never get tired of you” he whispers like a confession, peering up at him with big earnest eyes and parted lips
“It still applies”
“You’d keep me forever?”
“They’d have to pry you off my stone-cold dead hands”
“Moony, you’re such a romantic”
“I’m trying, I’m new at this.” he brushes the back of his hand across his cheek “How am I doing?”
“Brilliant. You’re perfect”
“Hmm, you like it?”
“I’d marry you right now if I could”
“Give it a few years” Remus hums in response and Sirius dies in his arms
“I’m ready”
“What?” he chuckles fondly “Pads, we’re underage, we can’t get married yet”
“No. I’m ready.” he says and Remus eyes bulge out a bit, his breath hitches
“Oh.”
“Yeah, I need to feel you, all of you.”
“Are you sure?”
“Never been more sure of anything in my life. I want you inside of me”
Sirius’ verdict afterwards is “fuck, we should’ve done that sooner” Remus smiles radiantly at him as he kisses him with a chuckle
“I’m glad we didn’t rush into it though, it was perfect, I didn’t know sex could feel like that” Sirius preens at his words and kisses his chest. His lips freeze mid pucker
“Hold on,” he pulls away with a frown “what do you mean ‘like that’? You didn’t know what sex felt like at all. Right?”
“I’d never made love to someone before”
“That’s not a no Remus. Who did you sleep with?”
“I just thought of them as not you” he answers truthfully and Sirius smiles at that but then his smile melts
“Please tell you mean them as in non binary and not them as in plural, as in multiple people”
Remus doesn’t answer for a beat “I’ve slept with someone non binary”
“Just them?”
“No” he admits “I’m sorry, I thought you knew, is it a problem for you?”
“No” he says a bit too high pitched, there’s a tightness on his chest he tries to ignore “Of course not, why would it be a problem?”
“Okay, just know they didn’t mean anything, ever, not like you do”
“Okay” Sirius rests his head on Remus' chest and listens to his heartbeat, steady. He tells himself not to think of who’s rested their heads on the same scar he’s tracing with his thumb, who’s been lulled by Remus’ breathing, who’s heard his heart beating, all before him.
“We should get dressed for our date”
“We’ll go tomorrow” Sirius squeezes him tight, not ready for anyone to even glimpse at his Moony, it’s his and only his.
“Are you sure? You were really excited” Sirius shuts his eyes and ignores the sting because he was excited, not they.
“Mhm, lets just go to sleep”
“Okay,” he kisses the top of his head “Sweetheart?”
“Hm?” he doesn’t look up at him, he can’t
“You’re all I’ve ever wanted, you’re all I’ll ever want”
Sirius kisses him for an answer
Wanna kiss his face (But then I, I want to get him back)
With an uppercut (But then I, I want to get him back)
I wanna meet his mom (But then I, I want to get him back)
Just to tell her her son sucks (But then I, I want to get him back)
“I know we’re fighting and I sort of hate you right now, but this is more important. This is too important” Sirius stands in front of the Slytherin table in the Great Hall talking hurriedly and breathing hard “Can you do my hair? It’s a fashion emergency, I have a date with Remus” Ursa runs her eyes up and down her older brother with a blank face
“You don’t sound as excited as I thought you’d be”
“I’m plenty excited!” he plasters a smile on his face and cheeriness to his voice probably even Remus and Peter would buy.
“Okay, I’ll pretend I believe you. When’s your date?”
“I have to be ready in two hours or so”
“Do you already know what you’re going to wear?”
“Yes.”
“Let me guess, leather on leather?"
"Yes" Sirius admits begrudgingly
"That's what you always wear."
"Yes. Because I know what I look good in" she runs him up and down with an evaluating look in her eyes “Don’t make me second guess my outfit”
“Okay. I’ll meet you in your room in a bit, get dressed” she waves him off and turns to her side “Dorcas,” she snaps her attention away from Pandora “Can you tell Lily I can’t make it? I promised I’d help her revise”
“I can do that if you want” Pandora offers sweetly
“So selfless” Ursa tells her with a smirk and Pandora shrugs with an easy smile, unashamed
“Will Marlene be there?” Dorcas, shameless as well
“Probably”
“Well I can be selfless too then”
“A true martyr” the other two chuckle and Dorcas nods along “Look, Lily cares about her grades, so don’t distract her by flirting with Marlene the whole time— and it might help Marlene realize you’re not just a caricature of a cliche stereotype and see you as an actual person who she might consider snogging and maybe even dating if you’re lucky”
“Stop being mean, you said I should flirt with her”
“Yeah, for my own wicked entertainment, not to increase your chances with her”
“What?!”
“Relax, I’m kidding, but do take it down a notch with the compliments while you study”
“Studying is romantic, don’t you think?”
“I think it’s sweet” Pandora offers
“Not really, but you two do seem to live in a different reality than the rest of us”
“Study dates are a thing!” Dorcas protests “It can be like a double date, our first date”
“Try not to tell her that.” she bites down on a smile, Dorcas has really fallen down the rabbit hole. Maybe Ursa can shove Marlene through the looking glass. Nah, maybe another time “Look, just study today, can you do that?”
“Fine”
“Don’t worry Cas, I’m sure she’ll be distracted by you seductively turning the page” Ursa is teasing but Dorcas lights up and how can Ursa not be delighted by that occurrence. She almost wants to cancel on her brother so she can witness that but she knows his outfit will be nowhere near as brilliant without her help and she owes it to the world of fashion to sharpen him up.
I wanna get him back
I wanna make him really jealous, wanna make him feel bad
Oh, I wanna get him back
'Cause then again, I really miss him, and it makes me real sad
Oh, I want sweet revenge, and I want him again
I want to get him back (And then? And then)
I want to get him back, back, back