Wrecking Internal Mental Peace
Although I'm not making plans
I hope that you understand
There's a reason why
Close your, close your, close your eyes
No more broken hearts
We're better off apart
Let's give it a try
Sirius ignores him all through dinner and while they get ready for bed. Peter ignores him right back, Sirius has no right to be angry, Peter was just doing what he literally told him to do. Granted, maybe he was a tad more enthusiastic while doing it than either of them expected but still. They’d go to sleep without a word if it weren’t for the surprise visit that shows up in their room right before curfew. When Ursa says she’s there to ‘see Peter’, a show for Kingsley, but he’s found somewhere to sleep for the night (he’s not a big fan of sharing a room with the marauders) in truth she’s there to give him orders. Sirius stiffens and shuts the curtains to his bed. Peter sighs and turns away from him “Kiss me tomorrow, before and after breakfast”
“In front of the entire hall?” he squeaks “Everyone will be looking at us”
“That’s the point” She frowns at him like genuinely wondering if he’s injured his head. Sirius huffs from his bed. Ursa glances his way and notices the curtains shut tightly “Avez-vous quelque chose à dire, Siri?” Do you have something to say, Siri?
“descendre aux enfers Ursa” descend to hell Ursa he spits from behind his curtains
“Aw, that’s so sweet” she cooes and he snatches his curtains back with all of his usual eccentric dramatics
“Ce n'était pas un compliment!” it wasn't a compliment!
“Coming from you? bien sûr, tous tes amis y vont” sure it is, all your friends are headed there “Haven’t you heard? c'est plein de queers” it’s full of queers. His eyes flicker to Remus for an obvious second before flashing back to Ursa with a glare
“Ferme ta bouche” shut your trap he grinds
“Whiny bitch” she kicks his foot and James covers a laugh with a cough and then pretends not to be listening, too engrossed on his game of exploding snaps with Remus “speaking of whiny little bitches, Regulus said to remind you not to forget your cloak tonight” she tells him
“Or the lube” Peter winks at him who takes it as a full on real reminder and Sirius smacks him with a pillow a bit too harshly for it to be considered good natured “Whiny little bitch” Peter pushes to lighten the situation with a friendly, humorous jab but Sirius snatches the curtains shut instead.
“Oh, one last thing, Peter, if I call you pet, it means there’s people around, so you gotta act all lovey-dovey and shit, got it?” she wrinkles her nose like she’s genuinely repulsed by the thought. She probably is.
“I hate that nickname” he covers himself up with a pillow draped across his protruding belly.
“I know” she smirks, that’s the exact reason why she chose it, the same one behind why she calls her brother Siri and James Jamie
“Alright. I’ll call you doll then”
“Ew”
“Perfect” he mimics her smirk and the corner of her lip twitches up. Sirius huffs from inside his curtains and his bed whines as he flips around. Peter stares at the red fabric shielding him from them and shrinks down on his spot
“Utiliser tes mots, lâche” Use your words, coward. She kicks Sirius’ bed on her way out and flicks her hair back. The door shuts behind her and it’s quiet for a while before anyone speaks again
“You’re going to fall for her” Sirius grunts from his bed after a minute of silently debating with himself. Peter’s head turns to him like a whip
“Have you lost your mind?”
“I saw you two, on the Quidditch field”
“You’re the one who said I should kiss her!”
“I know!” he cries “she’s gonna break your heart and it’s gonna be my fault and then you’ll hate me forever!” Sirius’ voice cracks, he sinks back into his bed
“Sirius… what?”
“I don’t want you to hate me” he whimpers into his knees and Peter blinks in a daze, this is something he didn’t see coming
“Sirius, you know when we fight I only hate you for a day and then we’re friends again” Sirius doesn’t laugh at his joke. It looks like he’ll have to talk about his malleable, delicate feelings, such a delightful topic. He pulls away the curtains and sits on the edge of his bed. This isn’t something Sirius and Peter do, not with each other at least, it’s weird “I promise I won’t hate you Sirius, even if she stomps all over my fragile little heart which she won’t because I’m not falling for her, okay?”
“You promise?” the worry in Sirius’ eyes takes him by surprise, like the thought of losing Peter would shatter him almost as much as the thought of losing the other two Marauders.
“I promise.” he sighs and astounds himself by finding how much he truly means it “I didn’t even like kissing her, it was so uncomfortable, I just enjoyed doing it later, when I realized I could make her feel uncomfortable” he adds as an afterthought “Oh, that sounds wrong” he grimaces “I’ll have to go back to feeling uncomfortable, won’t I?”
“Sounds like it” James pats his back and Peter sighs, life sucks. Remus puts on a record and everything is fixed, settled back into normalcy, or maybe a little bit better than normal.
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
(Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies)
Oh, no, no, you can't disguise
(You can't disguise, no, you can't disguise)
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
Someone always looks at Ursa when she walks through the door, but this morning absolutely everyone watches her as she holds her head high and sits down on the Gryffindor table for breakfast. She pecks Peter who looks pale and stale and slides in between him and her older brother. Peter returns to his breakfast instantly, like he might die if he catches anyone staring. He knows they are, that’s the whole point of this. He snorts his food, doesn’t take time to even chew it, the sooner this is over the better. She forces a smile on her face instead of the distaste she feels retching in her stomach “Ever heard of a fork?” He glances at her with big, wild eyes as he casts looks around, most eyes are on them, most whispers are about them.
Ursa sighs. Great. Brilliant. Out of everyone in the entire school Regulus had to pick this mindless baboon. Sweat beads between his brows and he chugs down pumpkin juice. He looks like a spooked rodent desperate to flee, not her enamored victim. She closes her eyes with a smile and casts a silencing charm “Can you calm down?”
“No!” He cries through a mouthful. He doesn’t stop eating to dart his eyes around
“Okay, stop.” she tugs on his hand and finally relents when she yanks him around on the bench. She turns so they’re facing each other “Ignore them” his eyes swift around the room, doing anything but ignoring them “Relax” she orders and his eyes flicker back to his breakfast “pretend they’re not here, you’re alone” his gaze does another scan of the room, they’ve drawn even more stares to them. He knows the only reason he can’t hear them gossipping is the silencing spell shielding them “close your eyes” she whispers and the softness in her tone snaps his eyes back to her gray eyes. He finds no comfort in them, they look like the storm that sank too many boats before. “You and I are gonna play a little game” The last bit of color left on his face drains and she has to hold back an eye roll. She tugs on her tie and pulls it out of her head and her legs somehow end up propped up on his knees “I’m gonna give you a piece of food and you have to guess what it is” he watches silently as she wraps the green tie around his head and blinds him.
The world is too quiet around him, his head spins in the silence, the loneliness in an ocean of judgment “Open your mouth” Ursa’s whisper, just as soft as before, snaps him back to his body, like an anchor. He parts his lips and her fingers brush them as she sticks something cold and blunt through them. He bites into it and the juice fills his mouth
“Plump”
“Yeah. Next one, are you ready?” she asks and he nods. This one is a sharper cold and round. After sliding it inside she brushes her thumb to the corner of his lips, probably whipping it clear.
“Grape” he says
“Oh, come on, you can do better than that, what color?”
He lets the rich, sweet taste flood his mouth and dance with his tongue “Purple”
“Yes. And what type of purple grape?” he closes his eyes, even with the tie and focuses on the flavor, savoring it as it crumbles in his mouth. He swallows it
“What the fuck do you mean type of purple grape?” he reaches for the edge of his blindfold but she folds over in laughter into him and his hand falls to his side
“Ready for another one?”
“Make it a hard one”
“Oh, you’re getting cocky, aren’t you? Okay, lets see if you can tell what this is, open up” she glides the spoon into his mouth and closes it for him with a tap of her finger
“Tomato sauce”
“But on what?”
he focuses on the bland flavor and tries to block out the other “Legume”
“Too broad, which legume?”
It’s caught up on the taste for so long that it dissolves in his mouth “Beans”
“Yes! What color?”
“uhm,” he licks his lips searching for lingering taste “give me some more?”
“Okay,” she wipes the tomato sauce off the corner of his lip and her hand goes to rest on his shoulder instead of back to her lap “What is it?” She reminds him he’s supposed to be figuring out what he’s savoring instead of just swallowing it.
“It isn’t white beans” he runs his tongue through his teeth catching more of the taste
“Yeah!” He chews it until there’s no other option but to swallow it with a debated frown. He has to get this right, he’s going to get this right.
“Red beans?”
“Yes!” She beams at him and he can’t help the tiny excitement that seeps into him from her own. He laughs with pride
“Okay, are you ready? This is the last one, you ready?”
“Yeah,” he nods with determination. “Bring it on” she taps his chin to bring his lips apart and he readies himself for the explosion of flavor.
A soft pillowy cherry taste brushes his lips. His hands stay tight by his side, too startled to react. Her mouth moves slowly against his, letting him set the pace. His lips part on their own accord, apparently wiser than the rest of him. He cups the back of her head and deepens the kiss, momentarily forgetting why or who he’s kissing. The reminder is a bucket of ice water when her lips are quickly gone and she’s off to class, he’s still blinking out of the kiss induced haze when she’s gone. Sirius yanks the tie off his eyes and the noise around him rises and roars as the silencing spell is broken
“You alright there mate?” James looks genuinely concerned while Remus just smirks, trying not to laugh. He manages to nod and tries to shake off the haze
“Can we go to class?” Sirius huffs
“Peter Petunia Pettigrew!” Poppy and Palmer slump down on either side of their brother
“That’s not my middle name!” he whines, they’ve had that argument a few times too many before
“You’re dating the most popular girl in school and didn’t tell us?!”
“Rude!” Poppy nods along in agreement with Palmer
“Uh… It’s new?”
“You didn’t think to at least mention it?”
“Are you two official?”
“Yeah, how long has it been going on?” Marlene throws away all pretenses of not listening in and takes the seat in front of him, shoving James to the side.
“I totally knew it was gonna happen, she was head over heels for you during the summer” Lily joins
“So you two are really like a thing? You’re a real thing?” Mary’s hesitant. She doesn’t buy it. Peter knew people wouldn’t buy it. Peter turns to James with big broad eyes, like a wild, spooked animal. Before James can come to his rescue, Sirius swoops him up by yanking on his elbow
“We have class” he drags him away and easy as that, the questions stop. Sirius’ gaze is firmly planted ahead, refusing to look anywhere else
“How’re you doing Pete?”
“You did great by the way” James pats his back and Peter smiles shyly
“This might be harder than I thought” he mutters “Thanks for rescuing me back there”
“No problem” Sirius swallows, not looking at him
“Promise it wasn’t fun” Peter tells him and Sirius jaw twitches
“You can have fun Pete, just don’t fall for her” Sirius titters a smile, finally meeting his eye “Thank you for doing this”
“What are friends for?” Peter waves him off. He always thought he’d love to be more appreciated by Sirius, but it’s just weird and awkward. James loops an arm around each of their necks, places a kiss on each of their heads that Remus is grateful to be left out of, and they head to Charms with a smile.
Peter spends the rest of the week cornered and surrounded by questions. Surprisingly, the questions are a lot like the questions they get after pulling a prank, only these are targeted solely to him and not the other Marauders. How did you do it? What’s your secret? Is it true? Some aren’t even questions, just nice with a fist bump.
Ursa, because she’s a girl and sexism exists, is told by these same blokes how much better they could make her feel and Slytherins aren’t happy she’s dating a ‘low-life Gryffindor’. Ursa is lucky that she doesn’t care about their opinion. At all. Maybe it’s based on the fact that she doesn’t even respect them as people. As human beings. As beings. At all. So she just boredly ignores it.
Their laughter turns to anger when Evan rounds on Mulciber, he waits until Ursa is gone before he asks “How do you know you fuck better than him? Did you take him out for a spin before she did?”
“I think you mean her faggot brother did!”
“You seem to have very strong feelings on homosexuality Mulciber, why ever would that be?” Barty’s eyes find Snape standing close behind him, he smiles “Snape? Any suggestions?”
“The fuck are you implying Crouch?”
“Oh, I think you know” he mimics a very explicit, crude gesture (sucking dick) and steps forwards but just that second McGonagal of all people rounds the corner and sends them off to class. No fun for Barty tonight
Tell me lies
Tell me sweet little lies
(Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies)
“Brilliant!” Ursa tells Rita at the end of the tutoring session
“Great. Now onto gossip. You and Pettigrew? What the hell? How, when, what?” she leans forwards almost falling off the edge of her seat and Ursa laughs goodnaturedly. At least as far as Rita can tell.
“Are you two talking about you and Pettigrew?!” A Ravenclaw stops on her tracks to put back a book “Is it true?” one person draws another and soon Ursa’s in the middle of a small circle of eager listeners for whatever information she feeds them.
She doesn't stay long before she spots Lupin walking into the library with her brothers beside him and a loud, wild-haired lad on Sirius’ back who happens to be dating her other brother. “Are you gonna go meet up with Peter?” one of them coos
She smirks before she casually sighs “I wish” before slumping down on the table across from Remus. The friendly smile on her face instantly vanishes when her back is to her audience. She sinks down onto the chair and tells Remus to go get started with his tutoring session.
It ends an hour later, with people starting to fill out the table with folders and books, Remus’ study group. Lily is the first to show up and she’s graceful enough to do so casually, simply sitting down in silence. Benjy comes up behind Ursa not long after. He wraps his arms around her and kisses her cheek dragging her away from the table. Her hands twitch but she turns to him with a smile, pulling him into a hug “Boys,” he greets the rest before turning back to the girl in his arms “I’m here to sweep the lady away”
“Please,” Sirius begs “take her away. She keeps telling us to hush”
“Oh I know, she’s worse than Pince” his eyes travel Sirius up and down with no coyness and Sirius laughs a bit too loudly. Pince shushes them and he goes red trying to hold back his laughter
“Wo ist Cardaroc?” Where’s cardaroc?
“With Prewett—" he says tightly before quickly changing the topic "what are you studying?”
“Vor zwei Sekunden schienen Sie meinen Bruder zu studieren” Two seconds ago you seemed to be studying my brother
“Gebrüder” Brothers he corrects her, as in plural
“Dir ist schon klar, dass ich dich verstehen kann, oder?” You do realize I can understand you, right? Regulus quirps and James drools
“Was kann ich sagen? Mir gefällt was ich sehe” What can I say? I like what I see Benji tells him with a wink. Regulus rolls his eyes at him and James sighs dreamily
“Uhh, James? I think you’re sighing over a bloke flirting with your boyfriend”
“Huh? What?” his love haze shatters into confusion and finally into anger “Were you eyeing him?!”
“He’s nice to look at” Benjy shrugs
“I know, but he’s not yours to look at.” he pulls Regulus’ chair closer to him in one swift, slick move that has Regulus flustering with a need for his boyfriend
“Are you saying he belongs to you?” Benji quirks a brow
“That’s a bit possessive of you James” Ursa nods in agreement. A groan, pout and a whimper meet together in James’ mouth
“Ursa, leave him alone”
“What? I’m just saying it makes sense. You clearly have daddy issues and people with daddy issues tend to be into possessive relationships”
“We’re not in a possessive relationship!”
“You sound like Cardaroc” Benji snorts fondly
“ I wouldn’t even be surprised if you literally called him daddy”
“Oh my—”
“James hush” Regulus smacks a hand over his lips and takes in James’ wild eyes “Don’t say a word. Ignore her, she’s just trying to rile us up”
“Or fulfilling my job as your loving, caring sister by letting you know about the unhealthy aspects of your relationship so you can fix them”
“Plus, I think you just answered for James.” Benji adds with a radiant beam “Or should I call him daddy?”
“I get why you two are friends”
“Jaaaameees!” Sirius groans “I didn’t want to know that” he bangs his head against the table
“It’s not all the time!” James cries, trying and failing to make it better “it was just a couple of times”
“Now that’s gonna be cemented into my brain forever” Sirius continues to bang his head and Remus sneaks a book between him and the table so he meets that instead of the hard wood.
“Je pense que tu donnes trop de crédit à ton cerveau” I think you're giving your brain too much credit Ursa bats her lashes at him and he flicks her “Hey!”
“Enfant maléfique” evil child
“I was comforting you!”
“No, you weren’t!” Sirius glares at her
“No, I wasn’t” she agrees with a smile “Alright, how’s this for comforting: wanna go out on a date with Benji?”
“How is that supposed to be comforting?”
“Qué estás haciendo?” What are you doing? Regulus hisses at his sister
“Divirtiendome” having fun she shrugs, flicking her gaze between sirius and a tense-jawed Remus
“Say yes and you’ll find out” Benji winks at him
“Wha— You— I—” his mouth closes and opens a few times before he finally lands on “You’re a boy”
“How observant of you” Regulus deadpans and James bites his earlobe in protest. A lot like a sexual version of a parent scolding a child “You should go on a date,” Regulus, the petty arse, says while staring directly into Remus’ eyes “see how it goes”
“I’ll be late for my study group” Remus walks away quickly and Sirius watches him go with a frown
“If God didn’t intend us to be gay he wouldn’t have placed the male’s g-spot up their bum” Sirius’ eyes go round as plates at that “we don’t have to do anything you don’t want. But we can try some things out and you can figure out what you like. Might be boys, might be girls”
“Being a bottom” Ursa adds and Sirius glares to her
“Okay, I should’ve walked away when Lupin did. James, come on, I think my dorm’s empty”
“You’re only telling me this now?!” James hops to his feet, he wraps two arms around his waist and kisses him as they rush away
“Okay, he can get back to you later, we have things to do” Ursa drags Benji away by the neck.
If I could turn the page
In time
then I'd rearrange
Just a day or two
“I’ve been thinking,” James tells Regulus later that night, the angelic boy sleepy in his arms is the most beautiful sight James has ever seen. Regulus hums in encouragement for him to continue as he brushes his lips to his jaw “What if your sister’s right?”
“My sister aims to wreck internal mental peace, you should ignore everything she says”
“She’s also usually right. You told me that”
With a deep breath Regulus wriggles in his arms so he can see his face “What’s going on in your mind, mon coeur?”
“I don’t want to hurt you. In any way”
“You could never hurt me, you would never hurt me, I know that”
“Relationships don’t have to be abusive to be unhealthy. What if I’m hurting you, without meaning to, without even knowing I am?”
“She just said that to mess with your mind. If she really disapproved of our relationship she wouldn’t have done what she did for us to be together. And you probably wouldn’t still be in one piece”
“I don’t mean our whole relationship, nothing’s ever felt as right as being with you, but maybe there’s certain small aspects of our relationship that we can work on, or at least tune into it so we can make a conscious decision on whether it’s good for us or not. I want to love you right, the way you deserve to be loved”
“What did I ever do to deserve you?” he hums and James smiles down at him
“You’re you”
“Sap” Regulus tells him with a blush on his cheeks and a gentle brush of his lips
Close my, close my, close my eyes
But I couldn't find a way
So I'll settle for one day
To believe in you
“Moony” Sirius draws the curtains back and his own hair falls over his eyes like a curtain
“What do you want?!” the werewolf growls and Sirius flinches. Remus softens at the fear in those eyes he’ll probably meet again in his dreams “What is it Sirius?” He scoots over so he can sit down on the bed and they’re hissed to shut their traps by their fifth roommate, Kingsley. King expected to spend most nights this year (his bed included) in the head boy and his good friend Frank’s dorm, but Frank had finally gathered enough courage to ask out their friend Alice and now the pair are dating and deserving of time alone. king hates bunking with the loud and obnoxious Marauders, but he’s a good friend, so he lays in his bed and ignores the plotting and scheming going on around him.
Sirius shuts the curtains around them “Benji asked me out” he says staring straight ahead into golden hazel eyes
“I was there” Remus says shortly “and Ursa asked. Not him.”
“Right.” he stares down at his fidgeting hands before he speaks again “Do you think I should say yes?”
“I don’t know Sirius, tell him whatever you want, I don’t care. Can you go now? I’m tired” he buries himself beneath his sheets because he does care. He cares so very much. He's just an idiot.
“Okay, sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you, I’ll go”
Peter catches the unguarded sad look on Sirius’ face coming out of Moony’s bed. James isn’t here to comfort him, he’s with Regulus. Peter doesn’t want to do it. He so doesn’t want to do it. He craves to ignore it and pretend he didn’t notice. With a sigh he opens his curtains all the way “Sirius, you okay?”
He’s hesitant for a moment, but James isn’t here and Moony’s… not an option, and Peter’s offered. In the end, he whispers “Benji Fenwick asked me out. Or Ursa asked me out for him, but he seemed to think it was a good idea, said I could give boys a try and figure out if I like it”
“Is that something you might be interested in?” Peter hesitantly sits down beside him on the bed, like cautiously approaching a wild, dangerous and unpredictable animal
“I don’t know,” he nibbles on the skin of his thumb “maybe”
“You know… it doesn’t have to be Benji, it could just be any bloke. Maybe someone you trust, someone you feel comfortable with”
“Pete, are you offering?”
“No, but maybe some of your other friends…”
“Good, because I like you man, but even if I were into blokes I don’t think you’d be my type”
“Hey! You’d be lucky to get a fine lad like me!” he takes the pillow and smacks him in the face and they chuckle until Kingsley’s had enough of them and hisses for them to shut their traps.
Although I'm not making plans
I hope that you understand
There's a reason why
This school year’s first full moon both Remus and Moony are snappier and in a worse mood than usual. Peter doesn’t need to wonder why, the whole Benji debacle still fresh in their minds. Regulus’ enchanted camera around his neck like a collar doesn’t help sooth him either. Peter isn’t entirely sure what it’s for because the Slytherin only talked to James about it, but he knows it’s something about dimming the pain of full moons for Remus, even if he hates him at the moment, so Peter doesn’t protest, anything for our moony.
Sirius stays by Remus’ side in the infirmary anyways because even if they're both idiots, they're idiots in love
To believe in you
Tell me, tell me, tell me lies