Wolfstar Part I
“Peter Pet” Ursa saunters over to them as they cross through the hall “what’s wrong with his face?”
“What do you mean?” Peter pats down his own face
“That’s his I’m uncomfortable face, you better start getting used to seeing it”
“Ugh, why couldn’t you say Lupin’s name? At least he has a poker face” She glares at Regulus
“He would’ve enjoyed that far too much” Remus sighs at Regulus smug look trying to cause a wreckage between him and Sirius
“No!” Sirius blurts out and his cheeks grow red and hot “I— I mean, you and Peter make more sense than you and Moony”
“Hey!” Peter protests
“That’s a compliment darling.” Ursa pets his cheek “And not true”
“Great. Now you're both insulting me. Brilliant”
“You both like chess” Sirius offers
“Stop making that face” Ursa grinds through clenched teeth “do you really have no control over your facial muscles?”
“Uhm, no? I’m not a psycho?”
“Then you should practice”
“It's not something you can practice” he groans and she takes a step into her personal space with a smile that tarts in her eyes
“If you don’t I’ll have to take it into my own hands to make sure you’re believable”
“I’ll practice” he squeaks
“Good” she bops his nose and turns on her heels
“Hey, hold up, I wanna talk to you” Sirius grabs her arm and she turns to him with a smile and her voice sounds sweet when she talks
“get your hand off me before I break every single one of your fingers”
“Stop being an arsehole” he holds her stare but he does let go of her arm. She nods off to the side and it’s a long time before he masters to say “why did you… me… with Benji?”
“you’re compatible shades of idiotic morons, I know ways in which you could help each other out, but I’m not gonna tell you which, you’ll have to figure that part out on your own.”
“I’m trying to see what you get out of it”
“Or don’t figure it out. To be honest, I don’t entirely care—”
“Tell him I said yes” he cuts her off “I don’t know if I like blokes, but—”
“Have you mistaken me for an owl? Tell him yourself” he’s heard that before from Dorcas and he sighs, all Slytherins are the same
“Always so sweet” he spits sarcastically at her and she smiles, with a flip of her hair she walks away. A visible swallow later, he heads towards the Ravenclaw table and agrees to go on his first date with a bloke
James takes a seat in front of Ursa and Dorcas in the library. He fidgets on the edge of his seat with an odd look on his face and no words “can we help you?” Dorcas asks as he nibbles on his bottom lip
“Could I maybe talk to you?” he asks and Ursa pouts at him
“Do we have to? Dorcas is teaching me a cool charm”
“I don’t think I’d ever describe it as cool”
“It’s about what you said the other day, about how I might be a symptom of Reg’s— you called it something, what did you call it? Parental grievances? I tried looking it up in the library to figure out how I might be able to help but I couldn’t find anything about it”
“Hold on, parental grievances?” Dorcas blinks at him trying very hard not to laugh “are you talking about daddy and mummy issues?”
“Yeah! That’s it!” he nods effusively and that’s as far as Dorcas makes it. She deflates with laughter in her seat
“God, are boys dumb”
“I think I heard Remus say it once, is it a muggle term? No wonder I couldn’t find anything about it. Do you think I should ask him about it?” Dorcas’ too busy laughing to actually respond but Ursa smiles at him
“Cardaroc knows more about this than I do, you should talk to him, he can probably recommend you some books”
"Merlin! Was that a smile? Did you just smile at me?!" James gaps absolutely delighted
"No."
"I see the love of my life, I'm gonna go before this goes south, I'll see you guys later" Dorcas makes her swift exit with eyes lost on Marlene entering the library arm in arm with Mary.
"Yes. You did! I saw it! That's the first time I ever saw you do that! It was genuine! It kind of looks a little bit like Sirius'. But with Reg's teeth. Eerie. You all really do look a lot like"
"James" she stares at him with heavy lids
"Yeah?"
"Stop being weird. And creepy"
"Nuh-uh! I'm growing on you. You like me! And you think I'm good for your brother!"
"Can you please go?"
"Oh my Merlin! You just said please! Oh my, you like me! Just give me a few months and you’ll love me just as much as your brothers do"
"You sure?" She smirks at him
"I can be patient"
"I don't think two months will work on me like it did on Regulus"
"Two months?! Ha! Try a year! Eight months before he admitted he lo—" his words die in his mouth at the look on Ursa's face, the cat's got the cream "uh… I mean… it felt like forever?"
"Well, James, you know what I think it feels like?”
“I’m thinking the answer’s no?” he squirms
“I’m thinking there’s only one reason why he would lie to me about this, and it’s not making you look very good”
“I’m scared”
“Hm, look at you, not as dumb as I thought you were” she bops his nose with an overly sweet smile “Don’t make it to my hit list Jamie”
“You have a hit list?”
“Not anymore. All the names are crossed out” she lets her smile die and James pales. She beams brightly at him “later” she waves at him with a flick of her hair and James is petrified, but also:
“I have great news!” James busts into their room after a minute of considering Ursa’s words. Peter and Moony are playing cards on the carpet while Sirius peeps over his shoulder and Remus tries to ignore the weight of his chin on his shoulder.
“You’re throwing away Blankey” Peter guesses, knowing James will never get rid of his baby blanket. He claims to be saving it for his kids but Peter calls bullshit
“How dare you?” James gasps in not-entirely-mock offense
“If it’s something about my brother, I don’t want to hear it” Sirius groans
“He got a hundred on his potions essay, but no. It’s about your sister!”
“If it’s about Ursa then why do you sound so chipper?”
“She warned me not to make it to her hit list!” he exclaims excitedly and three sets of eyes turn to him
“James, are you having a mental breakdown?”
“Say miau if you’re under a spell”
“Why miau?”
“Is that a yes to the spell?”
“No!” he cries, shoving their cards away so he can sit down “she said she could only think of one reason why Regulus would be lying and I didn’t come out of it looking good in it!”
“Should we get him to madam Pomfrey?”
“Hold on, not yet.” Remus hums “James,” he says with a careful and gentle voice like he’s a fragile thing “why do you sound happy about this?”
“Because she knows I fucked up but she still doesn’t want me on her hit list! She likes me!”
“Has he gone full on deranged? I knew him dating Regulus was a bad idea, did Ursa give you anything to eat or drink?”
“No, hold on, I think I follow. She’s known you two are hiding how this whole thing started and hasn’t tried to dig up why or what”
“Maybe she already knows” they glance at James, safe and unharmed, and know she doesn’t know
“James, don’t make it to her hit list.”
“Oh, I know, not in my plans, she said it’s empty because all the names are crossed out”
“Oh, fuck off, that pretencious little shit,” Sirius chuckles with a roll of his eyes “she’s insane, but not that insane”
"Didn't she butcher your bunny?"
"Thanks for the reminder, Pete"
"I'm just saying, you don't get much more psychotic than that"
"Did she also used to pee her bed and light things on fire?" early signs of psychopathy
"Only until she learned how to control her accidental magic, she lit our uncle on fire a few times and laughed, her accidental magic was bad. One time she made the glass shatter 'cause Regulus was crying and a piece this big fell on top of me, there was blood everywhere and then she started crying and— Why're you asking about the fire?" Sirius regards Remus profile with far more attention than he pays either of the other two Marauders
"No reason" he lies, it’s not like those are clear signs of psychopathy in children
"All your childhood stories are terrifying"
"That one wasn't so bad, she made Kreacher give me a purple flower after he healed me and he read us a story before we went to bed"
"That's so sad Pads"
"I thought it was nice" James wraps him up in a hug before he can find anything more "Can we talk about something else please?"
"I heard you said yes to Benji" James pokes his side with a teasing grin
"You did?" Remus' face is unreadable
"You said I should. Didn't you?" He sounds bitter even to his own ears.
Peter gently knocks his head against his bedpost and James frowns in confusion "He did? You did?" But Sirius doesn't notice either of them, because he's too busy staring at Moony's impassive reaction, not even a blink
"'course I did. There's no reason I wouldn't have, right?" He stares back at Sirius with matching intensity
"Right" it comes out sounding like a whimper
"I can think of a few reasons" Peter mutters under his breath
“What was that?”
“Nothing! When’s your date?”
“Tonight”
“I thought we all agreed to sneak into hogsmeade tonight” Moony looks just about to eat him raw
“I didn’t think you’d mind, given how encouraging you were that I go out with him!”
“I don’t, I just find it rude that you weren’t even going to tell us”
“Oh, piss off Moony!”
“You piss off!”
“James, wanna go with me to the kitchens?” Peter scrambles to be anywhere else but here. They rush out to the common room and speaking of the devil, there’s Benji, leaning against the wall and laughing loudly at something one of the Prewetts said
“Peter!” Marlene flags him down with a smug grin “Come sit down with us” The black mane in front of her turns to reveal Ursa and Peter feels the blood drain out of his face
“Pet, are you alright? You look a bit…” She turns to him with eyes full of concern, the gray a charcoal, he wants to draw them until he finds the perfunctory in the perfectly crafted veil. She cups his face in her hands like he’s made of glass and her hands are ice as her heart, as the nails that dig into his arm out of sight “Why don’t I walk you to the hospital wing so Madam Pomfrey can take a look at you, just in case, you don’t wanna miss our date tomorrow” she bops his nose with a beam and her claws retract as she maneuvers him through the halls. He’s like a ghost of himself, letting himself be guided with no real direction.
She doesn’t take him to Madam Pomfrey’s. Instead she takes him to an empty classroom. Where there’d be no witnesses to her crime “Okay, you’re pathetic” she stares at him with heavy, unimpressed lids
“I know.” he sighs. She smacks him on the side of the head “Ouch! What was that for? I was agreeing with you— and what happened to being nice?”
“You’re not supposed to agree with me. You’re supposed to stop being pathetic. What are you even so scared of?”
“You?” his voice wobbles and she rolls her eyes with tastable exasperation
“I’m gonna murder Regulus, a este inservible pelotudo tenía que nombrar” this useless idiot he had to name “Look, honestly, I like it when people fear me and to be honest, they should, but, listen to me very carefully because I’m not gonna tell you this again, I’m not gonna hurt you. I won’t force you into this. You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to. You can just tell me and I’ll think of something else. But if you choose to do it, then you’re gonna do it right”
“I’m trying my best”
“No, you’re not. I’ve seen you check me out enough times to know you find me attractive, so why can’t you just focus on that?”
“Because it feels wrong, you’re still… you” he cringes at his own words
“What’s so wrong about that?” she croaks, her eyes shine at him and it strikes him that they’re the perfect model, the cusp of her acting. The way she can get them to convey heartbreak on command, he could build a shrine charcoaled off their lies “Right. I’m the psychopath, devoid of anything good and worth of everything bad”
“Ursa stop it. I know what you’re doing”
“I already told you what I’m doing,” she tells him with unshed tears in her eyes glistening straight at him “the same as you did” she takes a step back, paired with a deep breath and Peter can only look at her and stare at the art, whether an ode of lies or whispers of sincerity, it’s breathtaking “do it, or don’t, I don’t care, just have an answer by tomorrow”
“Are you okay Pete?” James asks later in the safety of their own room, the sun shines high in the sky
“Huh? Yeah”
“You sure?” Sirius cocks a brow at him on their bedroom floor “Because I just beat you.” he nods to the chess pieces set out into checkmate “Twice”
“Oh” he blinks at the board like it just materialized in front of him
“What’s on your mind, Wormie?” James nudges his foot “What’s up?”
“I– uh…”
“We won’t judge you” James promises and Peter’s gaze betrays him by drifting over to Sirius. He clenches his jaw and his clear gray eyes darken. Peter can’t help but note how straightforward his eyes are, not shielding anything, unlayered, honest, so unlike his sister’s.
“This is about my sister, isn’t it? She’s already gotten into your head— I fucking knew it! I knew this would happen!”
“No! It didn— Okay. I may have overestimated myself when I promised not to fall for her bullshit. In my defense, fuck she’s good. How does she do that with her eyes? It looks so real, how can it all be a—”
“It is. Trust me, she’ll chew you up and spit you out”
“Maybe we should give her a chance Pads”
“No.” he counters resolutely at James “I did that every year. Every year. And every year she found a new way to make me regret it, and I’m pretty sure I’m one of the few people she actually cares about, at least a little tiny bit”
“She didn’t make Regulus regret it” James eyes shoot wide as he notices the words that just slid out of his own mouth “shit. Sirius, I’m sor—”
“Yes, well I’m not him. And neither is Peter”
“Can’t things be different now that she’s away from your family? She said the best way to manipulate was using your own real insecurities, that that’s what she was doing”
“What insecurities?” he huffs
“That’s she’s evil”
“She isn’t far off”
“I thought you two were getting along now”
“Yes. We were, but she’s let me down too many times for me to let her do it to my friends. I can deal with her messing me up and hurting me but if she ever hurt you lads— it’d be my fault and I don’t— I can—”
“No, Pads, it—”
“I’m going out for a smoke” he cuts them off
“I’ll come with you” he scrumbles up to follow but Sirius shakes his head
“I need to be alone”
“Be careful”
“Sirius, I’m sorry”
“Take the map so you can find us if you need anything. And I mean it”
He takes it so they won’t find him. Peter takes a loud, big breath.
“I don’t think she’s evil either Pete” he admits into the quiet
“You don’t think anyone’s evil James”
“Ehm, their parents?”
“Right” he says with a lung full of breath
“I just, I think I get it. Even if she is a psychopath and a horrible person and whatever… I think I get it? She grew up around people who praised that and punished the opposite… she’s just a scared little girl doing her best in a shitty situation”
“You mean like how chihuahuas have all this bravado because they’re actually terrified because they’re so tiny and small that everything else seems gigantic and threatening?”
“That actually sounds like Sirius” he whispers the admission and his eyes go wide “please don’t tell him I said that”
“I always thought Sirius would be a Husky”
“That’s so accurate” James gasps in realization
“Moony would be a Greyhound and you’d be either a labrador or a Golden Retriever because I can’t tell the two apart” they’re laughing when Remus storms in after his prefect rounds. One look around the room to no signs of Sirius has him huffing to the wrong conclusions, like that he might still be on his disastrous date. He slumps down onto his bed, grabs a book from his nightstand and pretends to read “Okay, maybe something scarier and more stubborn than a greyhound”
“Hey Moons, what’s up?”
“How was prefect duty?”
“You mind? I want to read”
“You know, I wouldn’t mind, you know,” Peter gestures behind Remus for James to stop talking but James is a brave man. Peter may say stupid “if you maybe wanted to talk things through?”
“Ursa told me to choose if I wanted to keep fake dating her!” Peter blurts out before Remus has a chance to snap at sweet, well intended James
“What?”
“She said I didn’t have to do it if I didn’t want to, that she’d think of something else, but if I did I had to do it right, be convincing”
“What are you gonna do?”
“What else can I do? She’s his little sister. And to be fair, so far she’s been… not particularly awful? If it weren’t for the things Sirius mentioned about her… he claimed to hate Regulus too and we weren’t allowed to get near him before he got with you and now he’s sort of our friend? Apart from the whole weird thing he’s got going on with you Moons, but— I don’t know. I don’t think I’m making any sense”
“No, you are. What if the same could happen with Ursa but we just push her away and don’t give her a chance?”
“It’s not the same. They were never the same”
“She’s never had a chance to be good, not without the shadow of her family hovering over her. Reg says—”
“Fuck what Regulus says. He’s biased because he’s the only person she cares about. Caring about one person doesn’t mean you’re good, it doesn’t make you good”
“Reg said they were worse to her than they were to him”
“And you believe him? You’re in love with him, you think you can be objective?!”
“You think you can be objective about Sirius?”
“What is that supposed to mean?” he recoils and James regrets it immediately
“Nothing. Shit. I’m sorry Moony. I didn’t mean anything by it”
“I’m not in love with S-Sirius” he stummers out
“Of course not”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake’s” Peter rubs a hand through his face “it’s obvious you and Sirius are in love with each other!”
“What?!” his eyes almost bug out
“Peter” James scolds him, trying to shove the cat back in the bag
“Fuck it, he’s gonna be angry and grumpy anyways”
“Am I that obvious?” he finally admits with a sigh, slumping onto his bed
“No” James says at the same time as Peter says “Yes” they look at each other and have a silent conversation with their eyes
“You both are” he offers as consoling and Remus runs a hand through his curls
“He’s on a date with Benji”
“No, he isn’t, it flopped like an hour ago while you were busy pretending to be on rounds”
“You mean the date you were supposed to tell him to say no to” Peter stares down at him
“What?”
“He was basically begging you to ask him not to go”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about” he huffs with a shake of his head, not letting himself believe it
“You didn’t put up silencing charms. What should I tell him my, Moonage Daydream?” Peter mocks Sirius’ voice with a flutter of lashes
“That’s not what he said”
“He might as well have, bonehead. He only agreed to it because you told him to”
“I never told him to go” he says empathically
“No. Worse. You told him you didn’t care. And to go away.” Peter reminds him and Remus cringes at his own words
“Pete, when was this? Where was I?”
“Where do you think Romeo? I had to comfort him, you know how awful I am at that!”
“Wait. Are you saying you think he likes me? That’s nonsense, he just feels guilty about the prank”
“Oh, Lupin, you beautiful tree, for someone so smart you can be really dumb sometimes”
The Moon doesn’t take away Sirius’ anger this time. He wonders if Moony could. He takes out the map and— Ursa Black, a dark spot outside. His feet drag him there before he knows what he’s doing. Mrs Norris nearly catches him but he manages to sneak into a secret passage just in time.
He sees the smoke before she sees her. She’s lying on the grass, her head a halo around her head. His anger weighs down on him and suddenly all he feels is exhausted
“Smoking’s bad for you”
“So’s torture” she deadpans, he snatches the cigarette off her fingers and stomps on it
“I’m mad at you” he sits down with space in between them
“Want me to pretend to care?”
“Fuck you”
“You’re always mad at me Sirius”
“You always give me reasons" he hugs his knees to his chest and she just hums in response.
“Why are you here, Sirius?" she asks once it’s clear he isn’t leaving any time soon
"I don't know"
"What do you want?"
"I don't know" but he does know. He wants her to be by his side instead of a monster under the bed ready to jump out at any moment, he wants to believe her kindness and her softness and her lies "sometimes I wish I didn't love you" she doesn't say anything in response, just lights another cigarette, so he continues "I want my little sister, but I don't wanna get hurt again"
“The person you want doesn’t exist, I’ll always hurt you Sirius.” before he can think of something in response she speaks up again "How did your date go?"
"I don't think I'm into blokes" he admits and she chuckles "what's so funny?" She lights a cigarette instead of answering so he presses her again "what's funny about that?" When she doesn't answer her the pressing becomes literal in the form of tickles
"Ew, get off me!" She shoves him off midst her giggles
"Aw, you're so cute when you laugh" he mocks her and she flips him off "what were you laughing at?"
"You" she answers breezily and he gasps
"Excuse you!" He pokes her side
"What did you think of him?"
He slumps down on the cold grass and stares at the stars "that he's nice but I'd rather be hanging out with my friends"
"Friends or friend?"
"I don't know what you're talking about"
"It's not about his gender Sirius, he's just not your Moon"
“What? That's ridiculous. What?"
“I said he’s just not your man” she smirks at the furrow on his brows, letting him fully believe he misheard "Close your eyes"
"Are you going to hit me?"
"No, you doofus. If I were planning on doing that A, I wouldn't tell you and B, I'd make you keep your eyes open so you see it coming and still be able to do nothing about it"
"I hate you"
"Yeah, yeah, you elderly grump, just close your eyes"
"I resent that" but as he says that he closes his eyes
"Now picture James' four-eyed face. Got it?” she asks and he nods “Alright, now describe it to me"
"Describe it? Eh… I don't know, rectangle glasses, dark crazy hair, brown skin… brown eyes… eh… smiley?"
"Now with Peter"
"Blond… uh… round face… eh…"
"Regulus?"
"Curly black hair, silver eyes, freckles."
"Now Remus"
"Curls, not the loose kind but not too tight either, sort of like the perfect amount of wavy? The girls say he's a dark haired blond but it's actually the color of a baby Prongs and if you look closely his freckles form the Canis Major constellation and—”
“You keep describing him, I’ll just take a nap”
His mouth snaps shut into clenched teeth, muscle on his jaw twitching. “Why did you set me up with Benji?”
“I told you,” she yawns “same shades of the same blindness. Thought you might help each other figure it out and deal with it. He did at least, I ran into him on my way here, guess you’re just deeper in denial than I thought” his eyes flicker to her at the missed opportunity to call him an idiot. He stares at the Sirius in the sky, bright, while the human version is blight
“I could never deserve him” he whispers to the better version of him somewhere far away in space
“Not in a thousand years” she agrees with a hum
“I broke his trust. I hurt him. A lot”
“You still are” her words stab him sharper than a knife and a tear rolls free
“He’s better off without me”
“Probably”
“If you’re trying to make me feel better, you’re doing a shit job at it”
“I’m not. I’m just being honest. I pushed Evan away for the same reason. He’s safer away from me, not selfish enough to sink my claws into him and watch him bleed. I get it. Staying far away is the right thing to do. It's what I would do in your position” they smoke in silence and watch the smokes mingle in the air until his voice is raspy from smoke and hurt “Never thought you wanted to be like me though” she whispers, just above a breath but he hears her and the sob choked on his throat finally breaks loose. She turns to face him as he wipes his tears away
“Why can’t you ever just say what you mean?!” he snaps, rising to his feet and his hands balling into fists, his anger suddenly surging back to the surface in full force “It’s always reading between the lines and ulterior motives with you!”
“Wanna know what I mean?” she asks calmly through peaceful, closed eyes “wanna know what I want?” he falters at her tranquility, is she finally being honest? Her eyes flutter open and meet his with a sigh, different shades of the same grey “A bit of peace and quiet. I just want to be left alone, just leave me alone Sirius”
“Whatever Ursa. Goodnight” he storms all the way back to his room and when he slams the door shut behind him and Kinglsey shoots daggers at him with his eyes he grabs a fistful of Remus’ pajama top and smashes their lips together.