That Split Second | D.M

Biting silence followed, the kind that makes you hyper aware of your own existence. And it stagnated for far longer than I was comfortable with. It threw me straight into doubt, because if I'd have just kept my fucking mouth closed then maybe I wouldn't find myself frozen on the spot, just waiting for the room to collapse in on me too. 

Those walls that crashed down, were slowly resurrecting in the pit of my gut. But I have to face the fear, I cannot continue to run from it anymore. Every single time that I run I'm only casting myself further out in the cold.

"Say something?"

When I turned to prop myself up, y/n's face was blank. She was visibly as shocked that I'd declared the one thing that would change everything, darting across a boundary that once crossed cannot be reset. Between these sheets, in this cottage, amongst all these people in this mad, mad world, there was only one word that left her lips, because deep down she was just as lost as I am.

"Why?"

"Why do I love you?" I responded. "Yes," she whispered back in doubt. "Love. Why me?"

 It was evident that in the process of knocking down all of my walls she had accidentally demolished her own too, and now the girl made of electric looked to me like she was instead made of glass; a trait she had hidden well, but you can't hide forever. The list was extensive, but I felt no need to shorten it or dumb it down, it's all important.

"I am a philonoist, uptight, over paranoid, severely good looking, rich, smart, physically capable, all round better than everyone else man." Naturally her nose wrinkled up in sarcasm, but I remained laid on her, chin snugly settled in my happy place; between her tits. So neither of us could look away without moving completely.

"And you.. well you are a fucking nightmare. You are neurotic, reckless, a delusional level of over-confident, yet still at the same time kind, manic cigarette smoke sunshine in a bottle kind of nightmare. You're all the things I'm not, so you bring me balance."

Y/n was thawing and melting like an ice cream in a furnace. There was no fighting the way her lips began to curl into a smile and cheeks near enough glowing a cherry red, cherry just like her signature gum. But I wasn't quite finished yet.

"When we met, I hated you. I really, really fucking hated you so much, and I'm still not certain of the reasons why. But then I started not hating you, and it only left me with one alternative; to love you instead. And it is so much easier to love you than hate you y/n. I don't have to work so hard to convince myself like I did when I thought I didn't love you."

Swallowing hard, her expression shifted slightly. As if she made the conscious decision to not accept that any of what I just said as true. So also snapping up, I found myself joining her, the comforting embrace snatched away from me. "You know that's all I have to offer you, right? Those things you just listed, that's it, there's nothing else I can promise. I probably won't grow and change and achieve things. This is as good as it gets with me."

That was another indirect warning about her illness, and I remained so fucking blind to it.

"Well, there's always the van by the ocean with unlimited chips and ice cream, and if I know you like I think I do, so much fucking weed and mayhem. That's an option. But if this really is as good as it gets for us, I am still so, so alright with that. I let you hold me, so now let me love you?"

The owl remained scratching around it's cage, the lights remained ambient and calm, the night outside was clear and starry, but I couldn't tell you what y/n was because frankly there are books written entirely in Latin that are easier to read than her. If this can't convince her, then nothing will. "You are a stick of dynamite. And I'm just a match. But the beauty of that is, one without the other makes no sense."

I'd spun my emotions into a web, and ensnared her, it brought her back to my body; straddling my lap as I remained propped against the headboard. And with fingertips tickling at my neck, she began searching behind her own eyes to try and make sense of it all in a way she could understand. Always trying to make everyone else live a life they can love living, and in doing so, had forgotten how to accept love in and of her own.

"I wish you wouldn't do that," she said. "Look at me like I'm the most beautiful thing you've ever laid eyes on."

"Why is that a bad thing? It's not some sort of psychological warfare. In fact I wasn't aware I was doing it at all, so it's as real as it can be." 

"I know, and that's why it's bad."

"Sorry but I'm pretty sure that when someone says I love you that it isn't supposed to spawn some sort of discussion on why it can't be true? Normally people respond with something much different like, I don't know, I love you too?" Okay, now I was panicking. And I had every right to, because without another word, the energy shifted and to my horror, y/n started trying to seduce me again but in the most disturbing way ever.

It was like she disassociated and stepped into a dark part of her mind leaving her eyes empty as her hands tried to take apart my trousers. "What are you doing? Y/n? Y/n, stop! Stop it!"

"Stop oversexualising yourself, sex doesn't equal love and vice versa." Pinching her wrists, I was able to bring her to a halt. "But this is why you like me so much?"

I had never felt such a pain in my heart in my whole entire life, it was like my guts dropped. And we were both hopelessly rooted to this bed, no space neither left nor right for our heads to turn away, forced to participate in this fucked up attempt at admitting how we really felt for each other; and somehow, even though we were face to face with nothing to stop us, we were fucking it all up. Y/n was huffing with anxiety as I held her arms firmly still.

"You're not sure of yourself at all, are you? The confidence, the righteousness, it's all just an act. It's a role, you're just acting. I can see it so clearly now, it's like looking into a mirror."

"Touché, Malfoy."

The pain in my heart mirrored the pain that spread across her face, identical almost. The pain we shared was an ache. An ache to be seen, to be heard, to be understood without having to confront the things that had deprived us of it. We shared so much more than our bodies with each other; we were cut from the same cloth, just different textures. Hers silken and light, mine thick and wired. But it all burns the same when tossed into flames.

 Y/n didn't even try to attempt to deny it, just gazed at me helplessly, and sank gently back down into my lap. "That has nothing to do with why I like you so much, trust me. I can get sex anywhere. But the draw, the pull, the fucking need to be here cannot be found anywhere else but with you. Let me show you something, maybe then you'll understand how much I trust you."

Each button of my shirt came away easily, and the further down I went the more confused and unsure y/n looked, as she full well knew that for me physically revealing myself was one of my biggest fears. Torso exposed, she pressed both palms to her mouth at the sight of my deformed body that was now mutilated with deep, angry scars.

Disclosing The Dark Mark crossed my mind briefly, perhaps if this goes in my favour then I might stand a chance at forgiveness.

"How?" She whispered, lifting her gaze back to my face. "Got into a fight with scarhead a few weeks ago, it was an accident but this is me now. I started it, but he finished it. Let's just say I learnt my lesson."

I flinched when she flit her fingertips gently across each line and bump, but I would not shrug her away. Palm pressed to beating chest, my thunderous heart rate rattled like a hummingbird inside my ribcage; eventually slowing to a lull with the comfort of her warmth. "Hey, do you wanna know something cool?" Y/n asked randomly. "Yeah, alright then," I smiled back. "Let's hear it."

"So like when a star explodes right, when it does that supernova thing?" Yes, I nodded, quietly infatuated with the way she explains things. "When it explodes it like sends loads of stuff out into the universe doesn't it? Like minerals and all that good stuff?" Yes, I nodded again, I knew what she was attempting to talk about but interrupting her would be a big mistake. 

"Well it sends iron and stuff out, and factually speaking, the iron in your blood originated the same way. And people so often say something cringe like we're all made of stardust, but they don't realise they're sort of right in a way.. though a more correct term would be-" She leant forward to quickly press a kiss against one of the scars before returning upright. "You bleed stars, love. So don't be ashamed of it."

Once upon a time not that long ago, I believed that becoming and being a death eater was all that was destined for me, the only thing to look forward to, the only thing that would be solid proof that I'd walked this earth at all; but now, I have love and all I've ever wanted was to be loved. 

Not like a mothers love or fathers, or even best friend. I know what that love is and it's never been enough. It's why I would scream in the middle of the night at the manor when nobody else was around, just to see if anything would answer. But you see, in a house that big, no one ever heard me; and I've screamed my whole life until finally somebody did notice. Her.  

Hand cupping her face, the gratitude would have been spilling out of my eyes. "And that's why," I softly told her. "That's exactly why I've fallen for you, and how can you expect anyone not to? I just need to know that you feel the same way."

 She in turn peeled my hand away and set it down between us, swallowing hard as she built herself up to say something, hunting for courage in a place that had been empty for a while. Then finally she spoke, direct and concise but still gentle.

"Hear me clearly when I say this drACo MaLFoY. I have so much of whatever this is, in my heart; but that heart will stop beating one day, and I don't know when but what I do know is, when it does, it'll turn limp and cold and you'll be trapped inside. And when that happens, you will resent me for it." Breaths laboured, as though her chest had tightened up painfully but it was from fighting back the tears that were trying to claw their way out. So I just listened, still hopeful. 

"I want to love you, so much, but I cannot allow myself. Because my love is cruel. So let's not call it love, hm? Just like we agreed, let's call it living in the moment."

An awkward silence ensued, so quiet in fact that the creaking of old beams throughout the home were forming a crescendo against the ticking of an old clock that hung from one of the walls. And just as my lips parted to clarify if this girl had just turned me down how I think she did, a bright beam of light lit up the room, dancing over the wall until fading again. We both were disturbed from our bizarre discussion, and that preceded the noise of a door closely loudly and a pair of footsteps marching up her driveway, the rocks crushed and clattered in a fast pace as the sound of keys jingling followed. 

"Oh no," y/n mumbled, evidently panicked. "My mums back from work, what the fuck? It's not even midnight yet. Something's wrong, shit, fuck, bollocks!" 

She continued chanting, jumping up and pacing herself into a tizzy. But the only thing I was concerned with was that I could not get a straight answer out of her on account of the fact I had just professed my love and pretty much had it squashed between her hands. "Y/n?! So what if she's home, she knows I'm here? Are you just going to leave me hanging?"

"It's just the drugs talking." She was sure to remind me of the first night we spent together, where we so carelessly exchanged our bodies with no idea that it would flourish and grow into what we have now; or what we may not have at all. "Except this time, I don't want to forget about you, y/n?"

Again, just silent staring, only startled out of it by the sound of footsteps battering up the stairs. And the bedroom door flung open, revealing Ruth. She looked at us both, noting that I had her daughters wrist in a heavy grip before registering that I was stood with my shirt pulled open and her daughter had not only several love bites on her neck, but 'Malfoy's Slut' shamefully inked across her chest wearing only a bathrobe and nothing else.

Oh no. Oh shit.

"You are leaving right now!" Her finger pointed angrily, disgust painted on her face. It would be blaringly obvious to anyone with a brain cell what had been going on in here before her arrival, the room probably smelt of sex regardless of the state we were both still in. "No, he's not!"

"Don't you start with me young lady!" Wading toward us both, Ruth tried to yank her only child's arm out of my hold, and in the blink of an eye, the arm had disappeared, confusing us both. It became all too clear why when a ferret scurried from beneath the piled up bathrobe and darted for the door at the earliest opportunity. "Y/n!!! You better get back here right now, I am not fucking chasing you around the house again!!"

Can't I just have some serious gut wrenching drama in my life that doesn't turn into some bloody circus show?

"Does she always do this?" I had some nerve to be asking questions, but I couldn't help myself. "Yes!!" Ruth replied sharply, before taking off after my fugitive girlfriend who was now a ferret on rampage. "Get your stuff Mr Malfoy, you are no longer welcome in my home!"

  Ruth had remembered my name at least, but this time said it with an inflection of visceral hatred. It was enough to startle and guilt me into returning myself to decency whilst the sound of clatters, glasses smashing and thuds erupted from downstairs.

Stuff was being knocked off of shelves, tipped over and torn as y/n blew through the entire cottage in an attempt to dodge her mother's scathing temper. 

So, as I fisted through the rucksack to be sure that everything was where it should be, I was caught off guard by the feel of the vial of codeine again. In that moment, the cravings all rushed back to me, reminding me of my affinity for poisoning myself in any way that I can. But I ignored it and straightened myself out before alighting the stairs to what can only be described as a crime scene unfolding.

The cottage was indeed a wreck, and Ruth continued to chase y/n around as she ran furiously fast on four little paws in circles, under tables, through the kitchen. 

Is that what I looked like when that was me?

Normally, I'd probably be inclined to laugh but this was no funny matter. The way Ruth was reacting was absurd, there was a true anger in her eyes at what she had returned home to but the question remained of why she had returned at all in such a fluster.

"If you don't transform back and face me, I will pull you out of Hogwarts and put you in a muggle school. Don't test me."

The frenzy came to an abrupt halt. I daren't move an inch from where I was stood, simply because I had no idea if I'd be liable to catch a smack if I did. Y/n eventually managed to pluck up the courage to transfigure back, but in doing so left herself naked much to her mother's horror. "Oi you, look away!!"

"Oh shut up mother," y/n recoiled as I turned away, whilst she sought out a cardigan that had been hanging from a coat wrack. "Bit late for that, he's been pile driving me for months now. And I even begged on my knees for it."

SLAP! 

The harsh ringing of a palm hitting a cheek pierced the air, prompting me to turn back into the situation and found y/n holding her face in shock. She only muttered her grotesque response "Better out than in, or in my case all the way in, all seven and a half inches."

"I did not bring you up to be like this, you are getting out of control. Do you not think it's hard enough for me to be doing this by myself, do you ever consider that, hm?!"

"Well maybe you shouldn't have fucked a death eater then. You did this to yourself, so I guess I'm your consequence Ruthie."

Ruth glanced at me, visibly hurt but also suspiciously repulsed by my presence before returning her gaze to y/n. "Yeah, maybe I deserved that. But I will not allow you to make the same mistakes that I did."

"Oh so I'm a mistake, am I? Good to know you're finally being honest. Why are you even back anyway? Do you not have some boring little life to be leading away from your delinquent, freak show daughter?" 

"That doesn't matter. But he is leaving, right now! You are forbidden from seeing each other ever again, if I have to go to the police or magical authority about it then I will and like I said I will pull you out of that school with not a moment's notice!"

The curly haired woman strode toward me, arriving directly in front. "You stay away from my daughter, the likes of you are more trouble than you're remotely worth, Mr Malfoy."

"What did I ever do to you?" I whispered back nervously, realising now that this was likely personal, as though she had managed to find something out about me although it seemed impossible. "Too much. Now get out of my house, and out of our lives."

"You can't do that!!" Y/n screamed, lunging for her mother, trying to pull her away from me but being shoved just as hard in defense. "I can and I will, I am your mother, I am the adult and under my roof you follow my rules!!"

"Draco! Say something?!" What does one possibly respond in this sort of situation? I was stood there lifelessly, confused, persecuted, hated for a reason I was unsure of. But even more-so, still without an answer that I desperately needed. I looked to the girl I loved, disregarding her fuming parent to try one last time.

"Say it? Say what I need you to say and I'll go against it. Nothing would stop me from being with you, but only if I know that it would be worth the punishment. Love me back, and then what anyone else says or thinks means nothing."

"Oh please, you pair wouldn't know love if it hit you in the face, you're teenagers and clearly selfishly immature ones at that!"

Yeah, we're selfish, me more than anyone. But still my love would not declare the same, her eyes rounded in that pain ridden look again, desperate for me to negotiate the conditions of my devotion. Without assurance, I committed myself to her, but the glue would not stick. And y/n would not budge. "I'm sorry," she whispered back, barely loud enough to hear. "I just can't."

"Then neither can I."

Although this is what she wanted, Ruth didn't seem all that pleased about it. More likely washed over with guilt that she had condemned us to this fate but clearly for her, it was necessary. "I'll be on my way then Ruth, clearly you'll be very fucking happy. And no disrespect because you seem like a nice woman, but she's right, you were stupid to fuck a death eater. Bye then."

Turning to see myself out, y/n shouted and screamed at me, even threw something that smashed loudly behind me as I opened up the front door in pain and distress. "You're a fucking pussy, Draco Malfoy! You'll never stand up for yourself! You'll never fight for a better life! And one day you're going to wake up alone, and wonder why!"

Her words echoed past me as Ruth slammed the door shut. And that was it, that was simply it. The last thing that I had was ruined, so instantly. My fear was validated and now the only place of solace I have left is with evil. A victim of its cruel allure, it was all that was available to me.

I could have fought for it, but she wasn't fighting either. 

Now I was truly empty with space only for hatred to dominate. It was the night that transformed me into my true final form, a sick individual that had no regard for human life anymore, not even my own and it haunted me just as I haunt this castle. 

Trapped in a room with Harry fucking Potter and forced to face one of my biggest challenges, seek forgiveness from the one person I treated so abhorrently that it'd put the dementors to shame.