LXV
It's a pleasant summer afternoon in Scotland today, and the warm winds bring a promise of something better to come. For those who are alive of course, for the dead its the same old stagnant, stale air as usual. But today, y/n would finally find a little hope in something.
Because as she waddles, rather than walks thanks to the cum I accidentally left inside of her, the tell tale humming of Longbottom echoed down the cavernous halls. It was surprisingly cheerful for someone who truly saw a lot of shit in the war. I have to admire his bravery in that way, not that I had any ill will toward him in the first place.
He's a bit plonky and awkward, but he has pure blood and an innocent heart.
"Nev?" Y/n called, taking the turn into the greenhouse cautiously. Instantly his eyes lit up, as did hers. "Oh my god," Longbottom exclaimed before they locked into a quick hug. "I'm so glad you're alright. Oh woah! You're really pregnant!"
Great observation Longbottom, yeah I did that. That was my doing, she rode me like a broomstick in turbulence and then a whole fucking child somehow made it's way out of me and into her.
Let's move it along shall we?
"Oh wow you noticed, what gave me away? Was it the glowing skin or the bigger boobs?" She asked her question all too seriously, even posing in different ways to add to the nuance. That was until they both broke into belly laughs. "Well it was actually just how fat you've gotten, there's no way your diet of chicken nuggets, booze and crippling audacity can do that to a person."
He caught a glorious whack to the back of his head. I don't think I'll ever understand their friendship, maybe it's because they share a deep passion; and although it hurts to admit, he can actually be quite witty when he's not busy tripping over his own feet.
"Say that to me again when I haven't got a human rearranging all of my ribs, and find out what a stinging hex feels like you lanky prick."
"Okay, but how long have I got left to flee as far across the world as I can beforehand?" Y/n peeped down at her stomach, still as weirded out by it as ever. I can't blame her, like how the hell does it even fit? "About a month and a half, he's an autumn baby according to Trelawney. But I'm not keeping him, the Malfoy's will raise him."
Longbottom grimaced a little, a glimmer of doubt in his eyes. "I mean, is that wise?"
"Why wouldn't it be?" Oh dear, I saw the moment y/n's defences went up. Her entire body stiffened and eyes narrowed. And rightly so Longbottom said his next words slowly, assessing how it was about to go down; I can already answer that. Not great. "Well, then it'll turn out just like him."
"And you think that everyone is a product of their parents do you? Makes sense, since you've never had any you can only draw your own conclusions."
That was really harsh and spiteful on her part, and not something that she would of said normally. Never, ever one for throwing low blows and personal clap blacks, even I was surprised because that was my thing. Although, the guilt arrived just as quickly as the urge to shoot venom.
"Fuck, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to come out like that."
At least Neville seemed unaffected by it, only leaning forward to get down to her eye level whilst trying to hold his snigger in. "Y/n, that was such an unoriginal insult. You're losing your talent. In fact, it's insulting that you would even use such a shit insult. Try again."
"Oh piss off you fuck head!" Another whack to the arm broke the ice again, turning into snorts and self contained giggles. "Right come on then, let's at least try to get this place turned over a bit today. It's breaking my heart to see it like this. Oh no Nev, our babies died!"
I'd like to say I turned whiter than a ghost, but then I'd just be roasting myself. But by Merlin did I anticipate a sane answer pretty quickly as to what the hell she even means. And then she turned around holding two Bubotuber's that were still planted but clearly long gone, even if it still looked like the weird, slimy, slug-like thing it always had.
"No way," Neville gasped, also turning back wide-eyed. "Not wonky Wendy and slim Jim?"
Wading his way over to the workbench that y/n had plucked the small plants and their pots from, a disappointed groan escaped his lips as y/n prodded one with her finger. "Dead as Dumbledore dude, look. It's not even that squishy anymore just a bit crispy. Why'd they have to fucking hurt the plants? Then again they could have been mistaken for Weasley."
"You are such a bad person y/n," he said sarcastically, pinching the bridge of his nose. Y/n just agreed, quite enthusiastically.
"Yeah I am aren't I, eh I've learned to live with it. Are that lot coming back then?"
"I really wouldn't know, I haven't spoken to many people since everyone is just trying to put their lives back together again. I've kept in touch with Luna though, she's really struggling but keeps pretending that she's fine."
That gave me an ache in my gut, I couldn't of imagined I'd of grown protective of Lovegood. But when I look at her sometimes I see myself, before I was made aware of what life is really like. The whole cousin thing carries no weight, because of it's distance, even so I see her as a friend first and cousin second. "Yeah, I think I know how she feels. Her face when I told her that I don't really care for this baby was sad to witness."
Brows furrowed on them both, the strained awkwardness of such a conversation was palpable. It's going to take years if even at all for people to fully heal. The dead included, and dead plants if y/n's next suggestion was anything to go by.
"Shall we give Wendy and Jim a funeral?" She asked, with Neville nodding in agreeance as they placed the plants down next to each other. And they each took the others hand ready to genuinely give two fucking plants the apparent send off they deserve. "We are gathered here today..."
What in the name of Merlin's saggy balls are these two human beings doing?
"Wendy and Jim were beloved family members, and our pride and joy. They had real potential to flourish to be the size of elephants, but their journey was ended far too soon. Nev, wanna say any words?"
"Yes, oh and um, we never held favourites but Wendy and Jim were like close to the top of the list."
Y/n elbowed him and gave him the glare, fully serious, in case the dead plants might hear them favouring other dead plants.
Is this really the girl that I fell for? The best part is she's sober.
This is exactly the girl I fell for.
"Sorry um yeah, amazing plants, will be greatly missed. Amen."
"Amen?"
"Yeah," Longbottom shrugged as they turned to face each other. "Didn't know what else to say, I've never given a plant a funeral before."
I saw the exact same look spread across y/n's face that Pansy had given to Theo when he thought cocaine was a fizzy beverage; as far as common knowledge goes, plants don't tend to have religions so the Amen was aggressively random.
But I then noticed that they'd been staring at each other a little longer than I was comfortable with. I shouted, for why remains a mystery, it was just a reflex. "Oi! Oh! Back it up!"
I straightened up ready to charge, regardless of the fact it would go unnoticed it might still give me a little satisfaction.
"Okay the tender moment is gone you guys! Heeellooooo!" I snapped and clicked my fingers to no avail. "Bro code Longbottom, c'mon."
If he tries to fucking kiss her right now I am going to turn this entire castle upside down, I don't care how but I'll do it.
"Neville?" Y/n whispered, her throat bobbing as she swallowed hard. "You're so fucking ugly."
"I know," he whispered back just as softly but with an oddly animated face. "What the fuck is that all about? Like my life wasn't already fucked enough I came out like this. At least you're ugly too though, it helps me blend in better."
The sheer hysterical wheezing laughs that erupted from the pair could of easily blown me to Timbuktu and back again, and I was relieved of course I was.
I'm not entirely sure why I worried for a second about that happening, they're the epitome of platonic; that place of love for each other is the same place the abuse comes from. And it's pretty strident abuse, I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't pissing myself laughing too.
Her roasting me is just one of the many things that I miss, because she was good at it, like really good. Immaculate actually.
Sincerely, I think I'm just scared of every meaningful interaction that she has. Furiously jealous too when I dwell on the thought longer, because every joke, smile, laugh, new book read, new picture drawn, classroom fixed and person returning is one more step further away from where she was; with me.
"Do you think?" She asked as if she was talking in Morse code, sweeping her eyes down at the floorboards. Of course, the bloody weed. They were the school plugs! Even I got excited by remembering so, how it slipped my mind is a mystery. What a pair of absolute criminals.
Longbottom took a deep inhaling gasp, eyes lighting up as he paced across the greenhouse with the speed of a Hungarian Horntail on crack. Y/n too followed, just not as quickly, sort of wagging as she plodded around.
It's just getting funny by this point, she's a literal watermelon; if only I was alive. I'd absolutely lose it every time she moved, yes I'd of been sorry about it but how the hell am I supposed to mentally function properly when my girlfriend can't even see her own feet?
They both took to their knees on the dusty old floor, as did I. I was not going to walk off and miss this for the world, I personally want to know how the hell they ever pulled this off without getting caught.
With eagerness two floorboards were wrenched up to reveal a two foot deep space between the wood and concrete. The smell rushed out straight away, and it smells so damn good.
"Get your arm down there and see if you can pull them out, I hope they're not dead. I can't smoke it but I can sell it. Quickly Neville just in case someone comes to check on us."
"I am, calm down!" He knew straight away he'd fucked up, and it happened right on beat with the sun setting beyond the greenhouse windows so the light level dropped a few shades just as he said it. Poetic in every way.
"Do not ever tell a pregnant woman to calm down, because I'll curse you so hard that your ancestors will feel it."
The smirk dared to grace his face but was easily concealed by him digging around in the little hide space before retreating with a still healthy, rather abundantly budded cannabis plant. You could of sworn that all three of us had just seen a pile of gold.
"Holy shit, the charm held up. Look at all the buds and flowers, we're gonna be rich!"
Okay calm down Longbottom it's a bit of weed, I don't think the Mexican cartel are going to be knocking down the doors anytime soon mate.
At least y/n was excited, taking the plants into her own hands to observe the glory and fruits of their labour which introspectively consisted of nothing but burying them. That was until her little face screwed up and skin turned sweaty and grey. And she plonked down the plant without any due care and lurched forward, chucking up her lunch all down the front of her accomplices hideous blue knitted jumper.
This has quite possibly been the most entertaining thing I've had the fortune to witness whilst in the afterlife. Also not to be too graphic, but I'm pretty sure there was some carrots and pumpkin seeds in there somewhere.
"Sorry," y/n muttered, wiping her mouth with her sleeve. "It was the smell of the weed, I forgot how strong it is and literally everything makes me gag."
"Does that happen a lot?" Longbottom was sympathetic to her ailment, trying to be as discreet as possible whilst tugging away the soiled fabric. "It's okay, it can be washed."
"Yeah constantly, and you never get used to it. It's disgusting every time. Kind of my fault for getting pregnant though, even if it wasn't on my agenda. I'd make it a mission to vomit all over Draco if he was still here as revenge."
"I take it you've not had any closure then? Luna did mention that you were trying to somehow reach out or look for a sign or something. It's a bit weird considering Fred, well you know."
"No." Her eyes fell to the floor, arms crossing as the coldness of night slowly started to creep in. "No solid proof anyway, every time I think something's happening I always manage to convince myself that I might just be dealing with grief still. I can feel him, but, I can't see him or hear him."
Uh, excuse all the way to me. I literally picked up a letter and moved some paints thank you very much. It's not for lack of trying! And not to forget I shoved a ministry worker who was being an insufferable arse hole, you're very welcome darling.
Longbottom rose up, holding out a hand to help y/n and her humongous self up too. "Come on, you've got sick in your hair. And there's no point trying to sort this place out as the darkness starts to roll in... Plus I'm bored."
"Fine, okay. Can't argue with that and I need to pee so bad too."
"Oh wait! Have you tried the mirror yet?" His question was met with a cold reaction, one of confusion and doubt. Why would she wanna get her hopes up just to have them crushed again?
"The mirror of Erised? I don't think anyone's tried to physically talk to a dead person through it before, and if they have then I haven't heard about it. Besides what have you got to lose by trying?"
That bizarre full body shudder consumed me again and had me feel like jelly as the tingle zapped up my spine. Her gaze just softened, as if she'd just watched an injured bird fly back out into the wild once healed. "Holy big fat tits on a bitch, you're a fucking genius!"
Ever the eloquent, he agreed with a smug grin that accommodates those rather large front teeth and a shrug. "Well you're literally not wrong, and don't talk about yourself like that."
"Give me your arm fool, or it's going to take me hours to get across the castle. I've got tonic I can take to help with sickness. So giddy up horsy, start as you mean to go on and you can just drag me along."
Banter aside, I enjoyed watching them both alone together. It gave my y/n that mischievous aura about her back, the one that had faded but was gradually getting brighter again.
Kind of subtly disappointed at myself though, for never noticing that Neville Longbottom is actually moderately funny; I'm able to see clearly now all of the small things I used to overlook because I took my time for granted.
It was oddly beautiful in a way.