LIII
When I'm with her it's as though I pay attention to the smaller, finer details. The warmth and softness of her skin, how many breaths she takes between kisses, how tightly she presses her body to mine. The smell of her hair, taste of her lips, every tiny little thing that makes her so different and unique; it's important, because Merlin forbid I ever go blind.. I'd still know it was her through touch alone.
And the saddest part about it all is that somewhere deep down I knew all along that she would be the first person I'd ever love, and absolutely the last. The only.
"Why do you do that?" Y/n asked as she had pulled away, waiting with my thumb tickling at her cheek and my stare solidified on her own. I was making mental notes of her again. "Do what?"
"When you look at me lately.. it's like you're getting ready to say goodbye or something."
"I'm not getting ready to say goodbye y/n," I whispered. "I'm just looking at the person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with."
Looking back on this moment now, I think it was when I finally recognised that I knew I wouldn't survive this war. Because I wasn't ever on their side, the death eaters and dark lord. I was always on this side with her, and no matter how much I tried to hide and deny it to my associates and their evil adversaries; it was blindingly obvious, and in good time would catch up with me.
I now know that I was right, even if I tried to hide from it. She would be who I would spend the rest of my life loving, because there was only mere months of it left.
"Shh, come ere' love."
Her frame relaxed into mine, encased in my arms as her lips latched to my own. Gentle kisses, cherry flavoured and meaningful, an outpouring of love that was silent and embroidered into every little word and every little touch, received and reciprocated with a deeper affection than the last.
"Lie back for me baby."
It only took five words to get me harder than a rock, and the 'baby,' just the way she said it. Low and husky, it gave me a whole body shudder and I almost ascended to another dimension.
Not wanting to disappoint I slowly laid back against the bed, y/n shimmied herself down from my lap and began to peel down my waistband as I continued searching her ceiling in anticipation; that was until my eyes rolled over and met Kiki's directly. Suddenly it got a bit awkward, I wasn't sure I wanted her owl to watch us fucking.
But no sooner did I open my mouth to express my concerns, I flinched upwards from shock. Because this girl had my cock in her hands and tapped onto the head of it which was already insanely sensitive, moved it to her mouth and with a straight face spoke into it. "Hey, is this thing on? Sound check 1, 2, 3."
I was stumped for words, caught in a bizarre space between astronomically turned on but inherently confused, shocked and at a loss of what to do next. The silence that ensued could of been carved with a blunt spoon.
"Sorry," y/n cackled. "The intrusive thoughts won that time."
"Yeah, I think they did." That was all I was able to respond back, she just continued to chuckle, dick in hand. "You know, just when I think you can't get anymore odd, you do something like that. I can tell you've waited your entire life for that moment haven't you?"
"I have." Y/n had to pinch her lips together to hold in the urge to bellow into laughter, her voice strained down to a high pitched whisper. A tear of amusement jewelling in her eye. "Sorry."
"The moment's kind of gone now."
"Are you sure?" She muttered back, smirking up through drowsy eyes. Her hot and velveteen tongue showed out and leant forward enveloping my needy cock whole she sank down; causing my head to throw back and a loud gasp to rush into my chest. "Fuck, no, it's still here. Don't stop."
The friction of grabbing at her bedsheets with all my might had them bunching up effortlessly. "Mhm, y/n?"
Yeah, she hummed back, sending another wave of electric up my spine before pulling away. "Your owl is just staring at me can we put the lights out? It's really distracting."
Yes, she nodded. Reaching back for her wand every lamp went out with a quiet "nox," and she continued to climb up my body to lay her lips beneath my ear and kiss quietly at the skin. My hands roamed up the back of her silky smooth thighs and beneath her dress, lifting it until it could be curled over her head and away from her body.
It didn't take long for the heated kissing to turn into more perverse groping as I pulled her over and beneath me. Her neck tasted good, her collarbones, the skin coated in pheromone doused moisture.
Ferally addicted is how I would describe myself, there was no other way. As my hands found their way across her waist, and onto her chest I felt the sensation of hers curling around the hems of my hoodie.
"What're you doing?" I asked. "The lights are out, so you don't have to be self conscious."
I didn't stop her, because I didn't feel compelled to. I was nervous, of course I was. But only because this was new territory to me, finally we would truly be skin on skin. Like a normal couple. And once entirely devoid of any fabric all together her hands roamed around to my back, it sent goose bumps to flare over every inch of my body and as I lightly bit into her neck her fingernails clung to my skin sharply.
It felt euphoric, coupled with the high from smoking and the lingering buzz from the morphine it had my eyes roll and our bodies melt together like butter. Sweet little moans drawled out onto the skin over my shoulder between kisses, and we stayed that way touching and feeling every part of skin with our lips and fingertips for a while, both hearts beating at our chests; not even attempting to go any further because we were so caught in the beauty of being so close to each other.
It was beautiful. I'd never felt anything like it before, this wasn't a mere fuck, we were making love. Instinct was taking course as we hungrily lost ourselves to the moment, being slow and gentle. And her nipples hardened against my tongue as it drew soft circles against her flesh.
The atmosphere built in intensity until I could no longer take it and found myself snaking downwards, planting soft kisses at her ribs, her navel and eventually her thighs. And curling my knuckles at the hem of her underwear I found myself ravenous for her. "Lift your hips for me darling, I need to taste you again."
Following instruction she lifted her hips enough for me to remove her underwear and slide my arms beneath her bended legs, hands coming around to cradle at her thighs before I placed a soft kiss against her perfect pussy. Elysian and sweet, her wetness was mind spinning as the tip of my tongue traced her cunt smearing it a layer of her sticky yearning and need.
A brief sting ran down my neck as y/n's hand ventured to my hair, curling strands of it painfully around her fingers. Guiding me to her preferred pace as I eagerly fulfilled her loud requests for more, devouring her with each firm lick and suck.
"Oh fuuuck," she groaned out in the dirtiest tone I've ever heard in my life. "I'm gonna cum."
Y/n's hips ground in circular motions as she got off on the sight of me doing unspeakable things to her gorgeous little cunt. Only spurred on by our eyes meeting as I looked up to watch her unravel for me. And with a shuddering tense of her abdomen, her head threw back to release the loudest high pitch crying moan as her juices flooded across my tongue and her thighs shook a little in time with each wave of her orgasm. It is by far my most favourite noise to hear.
And unlatching my mouth to crawl my way back up her body I could better appreciate the pay-off of my work. Not even the darkness of night could hide her silhouette as it laid strewn beneath me in waiting. Her hand flew out to open a draw and rifle through, returning with condom in hand as I took it and tore it open with my teeth.
It rolled on without effort. So I stopped for a split second to consider telling this girl that I love her, I have to tell her so that she knows, I'm so devout to her that she must already have her suspicions that I'm in love with her. But again, I bottled it. "What?" She smiled up. "You're so beautiful, I'm just so happy that you continued to annoy me that night on the fifth floor."
"I'm really that much of a great fuck huh?"
I mean, she spoke no lies. With a cheeky giggle she brought my face down onto hers, sharing the taste of her that lingered on my tongue until I bared down my hips and pushed my cock into her tight little fuck hole. It really is my most favourite drug to drown in.
Again her nails burrowed painfully into my shoulder blades sending sharp stings straight to my brain as they dragged down with each thrust. Her moans drawled out as her open mouth pressed against my cheek, my own moans unable to rival such a seductive sound. We could set the world alight with the heat coming from our bodies as they rolled against each other in perfect timing.
No words, just movements. Life happens loudly for the most part, without care. But life also happens quietly, puddled into the cracks of silence that nobody else experiences.
That was until her legs lassoed around my hips and she turned us both over, stealing the oxygen from my lungs in one swift movement. It was I that found themselves on their back now with her hands at my chest, still rocking her pelvis away and caught in the charge of electric that seemed to rumble through the air as our bliss approached steadily.
It was only going to take one more filthy sound to exit her mouth that would have me unable to stop myself unravelling immediately. And coiling a hand around the base of the back of her neck I know she felt the same too. "Faster love, fucking hell.."
My request was obliged, as her on top was undoubtedly my new hamartia. There is never going to be a chance I'll be able to hold back when she rides me this way, it's fucking magnificent. Then several sharp in breaths laboured and hitched before her head threw back and she cried out. That was it for me, my entire body tensed and my sticky release pumped into the condom with force as her cunt tightened, the drag of her sensitive inner walls against my cock had me whimpering like a needy little thing as she rode out the tail end of her own climax on me.
And then, she simply collapsed onto my body a shivering mess. I wasn't in a much different state either. "I love fucking you so much," I told her. It wasn't an I Love You but it was close enough. "Hm, and I love fucking you too."
After what felt like an age she rolled away from me and dragged a blanket up to cover our decency, and once I'd taken care of what needed to be taken care of and returned my trousers to a better position we just laid there quietly.
Her in my arms, my fingertips coiling her hair around and around. If the lights came on right now I'd be fucked, the scars, the mark. It would all be on show for her to see but in this perfect moment I daren't move.
"Do you wanna know something y/n?" I asked. "Yeah?"
"I've never known anyone who actually took the time to see me and understand me for me, and not for my families name or what I could do for them and thought that I was enough.. Until I met you."
It was true, she must of heard the rumours of my family over the years. Yet she never brings it up or demands to know anything that isn't her business, never uses any of it against me. She simply isn't interested in any of that, just me. For me.
That's why I'm so scared for her, because she's blissfully ignorant to what may be coming and I don't have the heart to burst her little bubble.
Somehow.. I don't know how, why or when.. but foolishly we must of both fallen to sleep as we remained encased in our chemical high. Because I awoke suddenly with a painful burning in my arm, and it wasn't because she'd fallen asleep on it. It was the dark mark, I was being called on.
And I can't even describe how awful it felt to have to carefully try to not wake her as I crept up and out of her bed to leave her in the middle of the night without an explanation. But I did, and it created an awful knot in my stomach as I quietly closed her bedroom door to let her dream away comfortably and floated away like a shadow.
Also, it was then, that I allowed myself to acknowledge the pain that had been creeping back over my body but that I had fought hard to ignore.
Now I had nothing to distract me from it except the harsh reality of what I was about to return to, after being in my own personal haven briefly. It's so oppositely different, the life I live when I'm with her compared to the life I live when I'm not.