XXV
Fickle, is such assumptions that things get worse before they get better. The reality is they get better, and then hit you like a slap in the face to tell you it was all a sick joke and here is where the real suffering begins.
And sat here cross legged on the floor in the Room Of Requirements, dust gathering in my nose and making me cough, damp smells of old withering heirlooms; is when I knew that the worst hadn't even began.
Y/n had been on my mind all day after our cupboard encounter. We were unable to tear our eyes from each other throughout the entirety of lunch and dinner. Stolen glances, heartfelt smiles, cheeky smirks and non-verbal finger signs as an attempt to converse across the length of the great hall without being detected.
It felt like being a newly fresh teenager again, all giddy and oblivious. A secret that only her and I shared, just for us, for now.
But that sentiment doesn't quite carry over to a task like this. Because every time I repair another rune, we get closer to darkness. My fingertips were aching, small papercuts and splinters making a home again where they aren't welcome.
I rarely emerged from there unblighted. My suit gets dirty, my hair gets messy, my knuckles get bruised and my feet ache. And tonight was no different, I thought. But whilst I chanted the incantation, just praying that the apple inside would still be there untouched, a sharp wave of dread hit me.
The rattles were unlike anything I had felt before, they were forceful, so much so I pulled my hand away in disbelief. Because if this thing is working, there's no turning back now.
As fate would have it my fears were confirmed and the apple was still a little warm from the hand that had been holding it as it took a bite. I felt sick to my stomach. Not even a little bit relieved that I had successfully carried out what was asked of me, knowing now that ironically I had bitten off more than I could chew.
"Fuck!" I threw the apple to the ground and slammed the cabinet door shut with aggression. Yet it didn't make me feel any better. "What have I done? What have I done, what have I done?"
Muttering to myself in despair and confusion was the only reaction I was able to muster, I'd already been scared from the start so that was nothing new. But now, it was all just a little too real. It was certain, and the next few weeks I was going to have to carry that guilt with me. Smiling at people like I hadn't just signed their death warrant.
And that is what brought me to the astronomy tower once more. That deep nausea, the pins and needles, it all comes together in to one big ball in my chest until I go dizzy. It drags me up to that tower like it was being pulled by a magnet, it was for all intents and purposes my conscience.
The railings were cold and frosty against the insides of my fingers, pitch black night was the only backdrop beyond the castle spires now. No lakes or mountains. Just black.
The same can be said for what was below, beyond those railings. Just nothing. And if I walked right off of this thing right now, through the gap in the rails, I knew that it wasn't nothing my bones would make good with. I'd hit the floor eventually and go to sleep forever.
Even if it is as some call it, 'the cowards way out.' Then so sue me, I'm a coward. Y/n, Pans, Theo, Blaise, my parents.. none of them were even in the back of my mind by that point. Subconsciously, I might of even readied myself for this without even realising.
Maybe even before sixth year, before the cabinet, before any of this.
The gap of the rails was no bigger than four foot wide, but that was more than enough. So I steadied myself with an arm out to the right and shuffled closer, my heartbeat raced sickeningly hard. And when I looked down again I could see the edges of my shoes hanging just out over the tipping point.
All I'd have to do is just let go and fall forward. Just simply, let go.
"Hello Draco Malfoy."
"Ohhhhhhhhh 'oly fuuuuck!" My knees buckled beneath me and I fell to the floor out of shock, I'm surprised I didn't literally shit myself. Suddenly the railing felt more than comfortable to hold on to. Lovegood stood looking as confused as me. "Luna! What are you doing?! You frightened the fuck out of me!"
"Well.. I was looking for my shoes."
"Shoes? Up here? Are you good?" My breathing was irregular, almost a sort of frightful panting. "No like really, are you okay or do I need to get someone?"
She scowled at my condescending tone of voice and turned to leave. Seeing the golden opportunity I hauled myself away from the edge but remained on the floor trying to find my balance again. "Lovegood, wait. I was just joking, I'm sorry."
"Oh," she softly sighed, pacing back. "I didn't get it. What are you doing up here?"
"Just some.. thinking." She had her shoes in her hands. "Luna, your shoes are in your hands."
"Oh I know. I was just trying to catch the Nargles red handed. They took my scarf too."
I hated that I knew it damn well wasn't Nargles, and it was just other people finding it hilarious to prank her because she'd never come to the conclusion that it was people being dickheads by herself. She was too trusting in that way. I wasn't about to take that away from her.
"Well I didn't see any Nargles," I said, pushing myself back up against a beam and relaxing to sit. Lovegood joined beside, sitting cross legged. "But if I do, I'll come straight to you first."
"Hm, thanks. What are you looking for?" She asked in that gentle, Irish accent. "Looking? I'm not looking for anything."
"Yes you are, you're looking for something. I can tell with these things. I'll help you find it?"
"I don't think you can find what I'm looking for Lovegood, thanks all the same." From inside of my waistcoat pocket I retrieved a cigarette and lit it. Luna's nostrils flared in curiosity. "What is that?"
"It's tobacco, it calms me down."
"Can I try some?!" I had never imagined Luna to be a smoker, she was definitely more of a psychedelic type person. But who am I to tell her what she can and can't do. "Okay, but you're not gonna like it. Here."
She took the cigarette gently and put it to her lips, inhaling maybe a little too deeply for ones first time and descended in to a coughing fit. I couldn't help but laugh and pry the cigarette back from her again. "See I told you, disgusting isn't it?"
"Just a little.. er- strong.."
"Maybe you should stick to water wine Lovegood." She chuckled quietly, and attempted at getting her shoes back on. But her laces were all spaghetti and bundled in to a bow. Not likely to stay tied for long. "If you do a double knot they won't keep unravelling you know, have you done one before?"
No, she nodded. "Watch what I do now and then you can do it on the other foot."
I leant forward and began tugging at the lace, re-threading it and finishing in a double knot with ease. "Right, now you go."
Surprisingly she got it first time after watching my demonstration. Smart little Ravenclaw. I don't know why she doesn't get more credit, she's a bit strange, but not even half as ditsy as people try to claim. And that was about to bite me in my arse.
"Why were you going to jump off the tower, you would have died you know."
A lump formed in my throat as I flicked the cigarette away in to the wind; and crossed my arms into my waist to warm up my hands again. "It's long and complicated Lovegood. You wouldn't understand, besides I don't even know if I would of been able to do it anyway."
"Hm, okay." Not one to press or mither, she seemed only slightly deflated that she wouldn't be able to help. Unknowing that she saved my life that night. "Did you know shooting stars aren't actually stars at all. They're just bits of rock burning up as they enter the worlds atmosphere according to science."
"Oh." Said Luna, looking bluntly disappointed. And casting her eyes out to the night sky, she still seemed unconvinced. "But we don't live in a world of science do we? We live in a world of magic."
"Yeah Lu, we do. And that's how we know they are really stars. Because anything less in our world simply just wouldn't exist."
"I like that," she smiled sweetly. Reaching to my sleeve and turning it out right. "I suppose if you believe in something hard enough, then it's just as real as anything else. -- The sun keeps burning because it knows it's important. It knows that we need it, just as much as we need air to breath. And that's exactly why the trees keep growing. They're helping us, all they ask of us is to help them back. So if you need help, then maybe try asking. Because you're probably needed way more than you think."
Such a beautiful concept, one I hadn't ever really considered before and it was comforting. It must of been, because I wasn't trembling or feeling sick anymore. I felt, oddly at peace with myself and what will be will have to be. Although Luna's teeth were beginning to chatter from the biting cold.
"Come on we better go or we're going to get in trouble for roaming around after hours." I held my hand out to help her up, and she took it without any contemplation. She wasn't afraid of me nor disliked anything about me. Even if I hadn't always been so kind. "Are you going to be alright or do you need me to walk you back?"
"No, I'll be okay," she replied as we rattled down the staircase and back in to the warmer halls of Hogwarts. "Do you need somebody to walk you back? Are you afraid of the dark?"
I couldn't help but laugh a little. Bless her. "Nah, I'm good. I think I'll manage. But will you do me one favour though?"
"Of course!"
"Don't tell anyone I was up here okay? Or why? Whatever you think was going to happen. Just please keep it to yourself. I genuinely don't need the extra drama."
She seemed dissuaded and worried for my welfare, but eventually come to an agreeance. "Night then Draco Malfoy. Also please see somebody about the Wackspurts, they're gathering ever so quickly. Soon enough all of your thoughts will be fuzzy and confused."
"Yep, will do. Wackspurts. I'll remember."
With a gentle smile she skipped off in the opposite direction, leaving me slightly aghast at just what the fuck Wackspurts were but that aside.. so indebted and thankful, and she'll never truly know how much.
And upon arriving back to the Slytherin dorms I noticed that things didn't look the same. And I don't mean literally, just my perception of it had changed. Maybe because I'd convinced myself that I'd never see it again. It was quite beautiful, even here in the dungeons.
Tomorrow seemed a little less hopeless now.