XXIII
Four weeks after our encounter in which y/n felt me, a whole month; just went by. For everyone else it was as if little had changed, but for her it was an entirely different experience. Her tummy kept growing, her body kept getting more tired.
She was exhausted, on the inside and on the outside.
My obituary in the Quibbler had been stuck to the wall next to a polaroid of me. In the polaroid I was laughing and trying to playfully fight away the camera, but in reality I was slowly dying inside long before my death.
I just kept it secretly hidden in a place that I let nobody reach. My downfall? Most probably, but I was too frightened to admit what I already knew was coming for me, I was the last person to know because I never really told myself; even on the courtyard steps I still tried to rebuke the idea. It was the solemn call of my mother that made me realise I had run out of other options.
And it's ironically funny now, speaking in the past tense because I'd been living in it all along. Because the future.. at least for me, in my mind, wasn't a very nice place to exist in.
And there's only so much running you can do from your problems until you're out of breath.
First born son of a respectable and wealthy family, I was supposed to have it all; yet I ended up with nothing. Just bruises that don't heal, apologies I can't give and an eternity spent observing the destruction I caused.
Money means nothing when you're dead, respect is the only currency that can be traded. And I have neither now, go figure.
Perhaps the most sobering realisation that I'm having now is that falling in love happens so quickly. It's like riding a bolt of lightening, instantaneous. That very moment you realise, that split second that you know that you've fallen in love, just as sudden as realising you had fallen asleep when you wake up.
But falling out of it can take an entire lifetime. And that's incurable. Particularly when you don't have a lifetime to devote to that task anymore, so you're stuck in a state of loving what you can't have. Knowing better far too late, that you shouldn't have fallen at all because you were dragging others down to the depths with you.
Telling young and arrogant me, a year or two ago that this is where I'd be. Caught behind the stained glass window of mortality, seeing everything go on without me; a father, in love, in love with somebody like her.. you would of gotten laughed all the way to Hogsmeade and back.
But seeing her waddle around with that 'big 'ole egg belly,' brings me joy I would never have fathomed I could experience. At least now we'll always be a part of each other. I just wish it would of happened under different circumstances.
Y/n, Pomfrey, Trelawney and I were all perched in what used to be Trelawney's divination classroom. The fuzzy haired, big goggled woman that usually speaks little if not nonsense was pacing in front of her crystal ball incessantly.
"Are you sure you don't want a friend to be with you? There must be somebody around?"
"Don't have any friends here, the ones I do have are at home or got killed."
Y/n drummed her fingers against the desk she leaned back on to sit. Vague expression, as if she didn't want to be here, and not just this room. Leaving the Professors tongue-tied and stricken with guilt that they don't know what to say to make things better.
"Have you any plans for the delivery yet?" Minerva asked. "No."
"Well are you going to go home, stay here? Go to a friends maybe?"
Y/n's head rolled to the side as she straightened herself out. "I don't have a home anymore, and I don't think turning up to a friends house when they're grieving, hauling myself around in utter agony is going to do anyone any favours. So what do you think?"
"Here it is then," muttered McGonagall. Her viridian robes following her as she floated toward the crystal ball. "Here y/n, come on. Let Trelawney tell you what you're having and it might make you feel a little more... organised?"
Organised. Okay, I suppose that will suffice if anything.
Trelawney nodded wildly, an elated grin upon her own face. The only people not excited about this was the one person who should be. Yet, she approached and pressed her palm against the crystal without any gentleness and huffed. "Well go on then? Let's all share in some wonderous wisdom."
"Oh I see it already," Trelawney's voice became a rolling hum. "Dear child.."
"I'm not a child anymore?" At last y/n cracked a grin. "Oh yes, yes of course.. Dear y/n.."
"I foresee a future most eventful. When the withering leaves fall from the trees you will birth a healthy.."
The dragging out the anticipation just made everything seem all the more confusing and nerve wracking.
"A healthy baby boy. He's much like you, but equal parts.. uh, the father."
"You can say it you know, you're not going to summon an ancient curse. He has a name."
"You will be most happy, both of you. Growing and learning together on a journey."
"Oh fuck this," spat y/n. "Happy? You think any of this can make me happy? Do you just spit nonsense for the sake of it or do you actually enjoy giving people false expectations?"
The crystal fell to the floor with an almighty thud as it was pushed, y/n seethed and tugged at her own hair as her hands pressed over her face. And then she span on her foot and began marching away from the shocked women.
"Y/n! Miss y/n! Please stop doing this! I know it's been difficult since you lost Mr Malfoy but--"
"Lost?!" She span back, eyes red from the prickling tears now forming in them. "He isn't fucking lost he's dead!! I'm not going to find him down the back of the sofa with some loose change! He's gone, so just say it. They're all gone, everyone who died in the war. And I pity you for thinking otherwise. There's nothing after death! And it's mugs like us that get to deal with all the pain!"
McGonagall followed y/n out in to corridors, both of them picking up pace with a hurry until Minerva managed to catch her by the hand. A few passers by stopped to observe but soon moved along when they realised this wasn't the time to be eavesdropping.
It sent a spearing gasp to echo down the hall as y/n turned back and drew her wand on the headmistress. The tears now rolling gently down her cheeks and in to the corners of her mouth. "Y/n? what are you doing love? It doesn't have to keep getting worse if you just let us help you."
"You don't get to tell me how I feel!! I don't need help from any of you.."
Hearing that hurt. It reminded me exactly of myself. Alone, scared, pressured, on the astronomy tower in a face off with Dumbledore. I heard my own desperation and now it was in her voice too. She was never insecure when we were together, but now she was anything but. It's cruel.
"Well, how do you feel?"
McGonagall wasn't scared of y/n or her empty threats. Just concerned, really concerned and sympathy filled. Only able to imagine what this could feel like.
Her bottom lip quivered as she tried to hold it back, but ultimately was unable as her wand and arm dropped to her side and the tiredness returned to her posture. Y/n's voice cracked as she finally spoke her truth out loud.
"I'm angry, really fucking angry!! And I'm scared. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. He left me all alone and I'm really fucking angry with him. He got to fucking check out, what do I get?!-- An eternity of pain and grief, replaying the image of him falling to the ground over and over in my head. Looking in to eyes as I cradled his body and seeing nobody staring back at me. A cold, empty body. Is that what I'm supposed to feel? Because if it fucking isn't then please, I beg you, please tell me what is because I'm so confused."
"Oh sweetheart," McGonagall's own broad, Scottish voice broke as she caught y/n from falling to the floor in anguish. "I don't know. But I know it's normal to be confused. I don't think you would be human if you weren't. But you're not on your own. You really aren't."
Y/n sobbed in to the Professors shoulder, whilst she rubbed and patted her back in an attempt at soothing her. I only longed for, more than anything, for that to be me she held on to when things finally began to become too much.
That was my responsibility and I fucked it up.
"Y/n, I think there's something that you should see. If you'd come with me for a moment?"
Y/n sniffled and moved back, wiping her tears with her sleeve. "What?"
"The Malfoy's dropped something off for you a few days ago. They're letters. Mr Malfoy-- Draco wrote to you in your absence, quite a lot it would seem, if my counting is correct he wrote a letter pretty much every day that you were apart. They were found in his draw. His parents think you should have them as it isn't their business to be reading such things."
Oh woah, woah, wait a minute! I poured a part of my soul in to those letters, figuratively speaking of course and stored them there locked away. I didn't actually intend for her to read these, and if she does she's going to think I'm batshit crazy, or was.
"Yeah, I wanna see them." Wiping her face with her sleeve one more time, she remained solemn and childlike. Small and unsure. "Come on then. I'll make you tea and biscuits as well."
The two of them took off, taking careful steps as they went. And I normally would of followed but I need to find a way to manifest myself in a way that is more than just a sensation of existence.
I need to figure it out so that I can do as much as I'm capable of at easing the situation since I can no longer fix it. She needs to know that it isn't just her and our son. I'm going to be there, just like I always have been.
I'm going to need to go to Weasley and try and get some answers. He's not going to want to speak to me but if he would just listen then I might be able to change his mind.
It's worth a shot, because it's all that I've got right now.