XV
I think about that night more often now than I ever did before, the one where I ran across the length of the castle to deliver a simple note to a girl that wanted to beat the shit out of me. Because my best friend wouldn't let me sit in denial.
So technically this whole baby in the belly thing is his fault really, although I think he'd make an amazing uncle Blaise to any child of mine. He'd be that uncle that would sneak snacks after y/n and I had said no, and give them pocket money to make them feel grown up when they're well behaved.
It was late at night now as the moonlight flooded in through the windows. Y/n hadn't left her room for two days after the memorial she completely ruined but somehow still made it more meaningful.
Although Luna did follow her up immediately after though on that day. "That was brave," she whispered to y/n as she snuck in whilst y/n just paced in anxiety. "You did wonderfully."
"Yeah well people needed to know that he was more than a death eater, even if nobody will miss him they at least should remember him in a different light sometimes now."
She took a seat beside y/n, lightly tugging at her arm so that she would join Luna to sit. And with her airy Irish voice she spoke softly. "I miss him."
"You do?" Asked y/n, brows furrowed in doubt. Luna nodded with her little smile. "I don't think he was ever truly bad, and there was a time that I stumbled upon him on the astronomy tower acting as though he was about to step off but I startled him. We talked a bit and he was really quite gentle in his ways, which was weird because I'd never seen him be that way before. That's when he taught me to do the double knot!"
Y/n teared up again a little and leant in to Luna who softly rested an arm on to her shoulder in comfort. "I feel a little guilty in some ways though, I was right behind him on that day, before what happened, happened. And now I wish that I had grabbed at his hand but it was also his choice to make and not mine."
"I think those of us who actually care feel a little guilty Lu, we should of been there for him. I just wish he told me from the start before it was too late and too much had happened. Stupid fucking fool."
I leant against the wall and folded my arms, I don't think she's ever going to stop calling me out. She's just going to continually roast me for the rest of her life, although that would probably still happen if I was alive right now instead of dead anyway.
"Me and dad are going to go back home now but I'm going to put an obituary for him in this months Quibbler, we might lose a few readers but I don't mind. Do you want me to owl you a copy?"
"Yes please, thanks Lu."
"You know if you ever want to come and stay with us, you're always welcome. Just pretend to enjoy dad's nettle tea.." She softly chuckled. "Okay maybe, I just want to stay here for now to feel close to him. You get it right?"
"I do," nodded Luna. She'd become so much more, I don't want to say mature but less in her own dream world all the time. As if the battle had stolen some of that innocence from her. "I'll owl you y/n, but now just take a nap and I'll send more of the Irid leaves for your boobles too."
"Boobles," y/n snorted as Luna stood to make an exit. Both girls shared a heartfelt smile with each other as their hands parted and Lovegood made her way out quietly. Y/n just cackled to herself and repeated "Boobles" before laying herself down and bringing her blanket to her face for comfort. She's always had that habit, rubbing her blanket on her face to fall asleep.
Y/n did indeed fall in to what looked like an incredibly relaxing nap, I knew she'd get some good sleep now she had managed to release some of her anger and guilt.
And she was having one of those comfy looking naps again right now. So I settled beside her, just looking at her face, the same way I did the first time she woke up in my bed.
She's so beautiful in a way that words can't describe, the little things about her are as equally prepossessing and endearing as the stars; each star is interesting and wonderous in its own way, the little things about her are too.
And I know I'm being biased, but you would be too if you were able to lay and gaze at her this way.
After a few hours she began to stir, but it was the early hours now and lights were out so she got herself up and lit her little oil lamp to quietly put some soft music on her tiny vinyl player before snuggling back in.
Y/n yawned and stretched out her legs to roll on to her back, she would of whacked me pretty good if her legs and arms hadn't gone right through me.
So I repositioned myself so that she wasn't literally laying on me because well, for all the times I had been inside her, her being inside me is just a weird prospect in more ways than one.
"You make me look like an egg," she huffed. I was vehemently confused before she lifted her top and realised it wasn't me she was talking to. "Do you hear me? You child are an egg, wait, you literally were at one point." She sniggered at her own joke before looking down again. "Big 'ole egg belly and you don't even pay rent."
She'd never really done this before, interacted with the bump or willingly acknowledged it's existence. I wanted to make a really bad joke that it was slowly growing on her because it literally was but alas, it would be unheard, didn't stop me smirking to myself though as I watched on.
"I'm gonna give you a really stupid name if you tear me up coming out of me, you better know that little bean."
Suddenly her face went all funny and a lump appeared on her belly moving slowly across it, I think that might have been the first time the baby had made a movement so big and visible. We were both taken aback. It was definitely a hand or a foot. It was fucking weird.
So y/n being y/n, softly prodded at it, pushing the tiniest bit of pressure on the protruding lump until it disappeared again. "Little squishy weirdo.. " she surprisingly chuckled.
Then the.. I wanna say foot because it was a weird shape rummaged and popped out again. So again y/n prodded it and it retreated. And then it did it again. "Uh excuse me are you literally trying to have an argument with me before you're even a walking, talking little person? Now you're definitely getting a stupid name."
I myself was perpetually bemused, but infatuated and quite honestly, innately in love with whatever was going the hell on between these two people that I adore.
Y/n squeaked as the movement made it's way across to the other side of her belly. "That was my fucking rib! You know what you're doing..."
Then another hard kick, sticking right out beside her belly button. So again it got poked back. They are literally having their first parent/child disagreement.. in the womb. Like how the fuck?
"Oh Merlin, you're definitely our child," she sighed whilst pinching the bridge of her nose. "Thank fuck you're going straight to your grandparents." The little kicks and movements continued for a while as she watched down sarcastically smiling at it.
Now as a ghost people can't feel me, but I feel everything the same as when I was alive except physical pain and sometimes temperature.
And, well I wanted to feel my baby kicking. So I softly laid a hand upon her stomach as the rolling motion continued inside her belly and below my palm.
I'd never experienced anything so surreal before, that was a real life, a real human, my little human.
That was until y/n sat herself up quickly, looking spooked beyond words, spinning her view around the room and down to her stomach where my hand was still laid flat. She seemed scared, worried almost, so I pulled away. The little fine hairs on her skin seemed to have stood on end.
I think she just fucking felt me do that.
So I carefully held up my hand to hold her cheek and with that she shot up from the bed in a panic, holding her face. "No, oh fuck it's finally happening, I'm finally having a breakdown.." she muttered to herself.
"No y/n you're not." I flew up straight after her as she stood heaving in breath so hard she was about to send herself in to a panic attack. So I grabbed both of her hands. She just stepped away again cautiously shaking out her arms.
I realised I was scaring her, so I reluctantly moved way back from y/n's space whilst feeling the stinging begin to prickle my eyes and throat.
This is all I've begged for, for weeks and she's fucking terrified of it, of me.
Then something unexpected happened.... "Draco?" She asked outwardly, but almost as a whisper. As if she was just double checking that she wasn't going insane. Her widened eyes kept scanning the room. "Am I going mad?"
Hastily I approached the desk and tried to tip something over to prove myself but it didn't work. My hand just passed straight through the objects.
So spinning on my heel I came up close to her again, just as frightened as she was. And I simply brushed my finger tips against her fingers that were slack either side of her.
Y/n gasped inwardly, looking down, wriggling them in and out.
And I watched as she slowly backed against her wardrobe, choked for words and slid down slowly until she was sat on the floor just staring at her hand. So I moved to do the same, followed by waving an arm out in front of her face but that didn't rouse any response, she certainly couldn't see or hear me.
Holding her shaking arm out straight, she turned it palm upwards; so I smiled and tickled a circle on her palm. That's when I noticed her breathing get faster again, only one silent tear run down her cheek from her glossy eyes.
Her next statement I think was a test just to be sure.
"Well I finally got the soul of your first born, just waiting on the kidneys now although I'm sure they're probably rotten and useless by now."
I lightly smacked her arm, how plainly cheeky and rude. But I still had an amused grin on my face. It was then she knew for sure she wasn't going mad.
Y/n placed her open hand on to the floor beside her. "Just hold my hand for a bit please?" She whispered. Eyes still scanning the room desperately to figure out exactly where I was; so I shuffled up beside her on the floor and slid my hand in to hers and my fingers between her own.
When I saw them come up but stop at the space exactly where mine were placed, I felt warm, and as a ghost I pretty much feel nothing in terms of temperature most of the time; so I knew the feeling was coming from inside of me.
And her head turned to the side where our hands were rested as she knew I was directly beside her now and she just seemed to stare. Mentally projecting the image of me in her head to accompany the sensation.
She was calm now, and so was I. So purely calm and primally in the moment. Staring at each other in total silence. And not just because she couldn't hear me, but because the things we needed to say to each other weren't as important as this moment right now.
And we stayed that way for probably about an hour, wriggling our fingers. Our only way of communicating right now, making sure I was still there.
That was until her gaze dropped to her hand and her face narrowed. "Oh."
She wriggled and wriggled her fingers and shuffled her hand around. I did the same back but she couldn't feel it anymore. "Oh, you had to go," she whispered. "Okay, please come back soon."
"No, I'm still here y/n, I'm still here what the fuck?!" I attempted to tug at her clothes and tap her arms but no response again.
Why is this happening again I thought that it would be able to stay this way now?
What do I have to do to get it back?
She sighed and wiped her stuffy nose before audibly and visibly struggling getting to her feet and rolling back in to bed whilst I paced.
She felt me. And I felt them, both of them.
And then it just stopped again.
My frustration was choking me, it was like getting so fucking close to the finishing line and then tripping at the last minute.
Having someone offer you a birthday gift and just before you accept it they pull it back and toss it away whilst laughing cruelly.
But, that was the first time I made any meaningful connection to the living world. And I'm so lucky that it happened whilst with her, I just need to figure out what I have to do to make it happen again.
But now I guess you're wondering if she ever took the note and did in fact write to me aren't you, or if we just ended up hate fucking for no reason at some point? Okay, I'll tell you..