James
James is desperate to find Marlene.
He needs someone to talk to, and something tells him that Marlene needs the same. It’s been one week since James found out that Regulus was the one he fancies, one week. One week of uncertainty, one week of secret gazes, a week of not knowing what he’s supposed to do. One week of saying hello to Regulus in Potions, just to get a nod in response. That’s all he gets. A nod. But in James’ mind, that’s better than nothing. It’s been overwhelming, to say the least.
He doesn’t even know why, but James is just terrified that he’s going to do something wrong. He has never known the correct things to say, or the right moments to strike up conversation. James is guessing that everything he’s done has been wrong, because every crush he’s had has never been reciprocated.
As James heads to the common room, he’s surprised to see Marlene sitting on a sofa staring intently at the fire. “Fancy seeing you here,” James tells her as he comes to sit down next to her.
“Fucking finally,” Marlene groans into her hands that are sliding down her face. “Do you think we can go somewhere to talk?”
James sighs in relief, “Please.” He would suggest that the two go to the Quidditch pitch, but the sun is already setting, and it’s rather chilly at nighttime, plus James isn’t quite sure how long this conversation will last.
Marlene seems to realize this at the same time he does, “We can go up to my dorm. Mary and Lily are studying in the library together.”
“Oh?” James raises his eyebrows flirtatiously, before doing a dramatic gasp. “Marlene, you flirt! Are you taking me up to your room already?”
“Oh yeah.” Marlene scoffs, standing up and walking towards the stairs to the girl’s dormitory. “I’m just a catch for all the lads, aren’t I?” she adds sarcastically.
James follows her up the stairs, clearing his throat, “So, how did you know about yourself? Is there a story there?”
Marlene hums noncommittally, “Story for another time, James.”
They make it into her room, and immediately Marlene is making sure that nobody is in their room, checking the bathroom and each bed. James’ sits in the middle of the floor, and Marlene drops down a bunch of various snacks that she got from a random cupboard.
“So,” James begins, “tell me absolutely everything.”
And that she does.
“Oh, shit.” James grimaces whenever Marlene is finished telling her story. “That’s a bit unfortunate.”
“A bit?” She picks up a chocolate frog, and angrily opens it up. There’s a lot of Marlene that James doesn’t know, a lot that she hasn’t shared. And he completely understands why she never said anything, there’s certain things that Marlene doesn’t know about him either. The fact that she was bullied is one of the things that James never knew until now. Thinking back to how Marlene acted when they were younger makes a lot more sense now. Like the numerous times Marlene would always deny compliments, or he thinks back to whenever Sirius would tease her, and she’d get defensive and angry with him.
“Those kids sound like little shits.”
Marlene laughs, “Oh, believe me, they definitely were.”
James looks at her, “Is it better now?”
“Yeah.” Marlene nods. “They don’t mess with me anymore, and I don’t really care anymore what people think of me. Well I do, but just not as much as I used to.”
“I’m here if you need anything Marlene, just let me know,” James reminds her.
Marlene grins, “Well tell me, James, what do you think I should do about Dorcas?”
James thinks about it for a bit, “Try talking to her, and be cool, be confident, basically just be yourself. Don’t hold her past against her, unless she has shown that she hasn’t changed one bit.”
“And if she hasn’t changed?”
James looks at her sadly, “Then she doesn’t deserve you, Marlene.”
Marlene thinks about this and sighs, “Anyways, your turn. Tell me everything that’s happened.”
And that he does.
Well, the only thing she doesn’t really know is the fact that they are Potions partners now, which makes her widen her eyes. “Really?”
James groans, “Yes, and I don’t know what to do! Do I talk to him? There’s no doubt that he hates me.”
Marlene laughs, “Well probably so, but now’s the perfect time to convince him not to hate you. I don’t know much about him, so I reckon we both just have to figure it all out as we go.”
“Right.” James nods. “But, what if they’re not… you know?”
“Gay?” Marlene questions, and James nods again. “Well, then we just had a silly crush, and we’ll find someone else.” she shrugs. “You had a crush on Lily, she didn’t like you back, and you both moved on. It’s the same.”
James sighs, “Alright.”
Marlene looks at him sadly, “It’s a careful game, and we really just need to take it slow for now, figure things out. You can’t confess your love to him until you know it’s reciprocated. We don’t know anything about them, or their way of thinking. Just, be smart, that’s all.” James nods, really letting her words soak in.
After that, the two of them talk about nothing, sometimes going on little rants on how beautiful Regulus or Dorcas are. They’re just sitting there with wrappers surrounding them on the floor, laughing about something stupid, when the door opens. In walks Lily and Mary, deep in a conversation that gets halted as soon as they see James.
James sits up straight immediately, and clears his throat, “Hello.”
“This should be interesting,” Marlene mutters from her spot next to James.
“Hi,” Lily says back, surprising James.
James hesitantly stands up, “I should- I should go. Bye, Marls.”
Marlene gives him a little two finger salute and he walks out the door, only then can he take a breath of relief. Lily was, at one point, extremely important to James, someone that he valued on a deeper level. Now she’s nothing more than a stranger to him, and James honestly just wished that she knew that he’s genuinely extremely sorry.
“James, wait,” Lily calls from behind him, just as he reaches the bottom of the stairs. “I was thinking that we could possibly talk?”
James’ eyes go wide, “Yeah, yeah of course. Um, right here?”
Lily nods, “Look, I just- I want us to be on good terms. I really think we could be good friends if we gave it a shot.”
Three years ago those same words would’ve felt like a punch to James’ gut, but now they make him feel a bit lighter, taking some weight and guilt off of his shoulders. “Lily, I’m so sorry. I’m always so sorry for everything that I’ve said or done. I can’t take it back, I know that much, but I genuinely feel horrible for all of it.”
“I do forgive you, you know. I don’t hold it against you anymore. I do see that you’ve changed, and I see how sorry you are.”
James sighs, “You have no idea how relieved I am to hear that. I agree that we’d be great friends, and I figured that out as soon as you were gone.”
“But, I swear to god, James,” Lily says seriously. “If you pull some shit like that again, I will not forgive you again. You don’t get a third chance after this.”
James nods, “I understand. I wouldn’t, Lily. I know that I was so stupid for doing all that, I just wouldn’t do it again.”
Lily sticks her hand out, “Friends?”
James shakes it, “Friends.”
The next morning, James wakes up feeling better than he’s probably felt in years. All of the stressing over Lily being upset with him has slightly disappeared, and James feels more at peace. He does still feel very guilty, and maybe that won’t go away completely, but he finds that he’s happier in the knowledge that he’s forgiven.
“Morning,” Remus calls from his bed, sitting on the edge reading a book.
“Good morning, my love,” James replies happily. He feels confident in his day, and he just has a good feeling.
Remus narrows his eyes at him, “You’re awfully chipper today.” he gives James a knowing smirk, “Let me guess, Lily forgave you?”
James grins, “That she did.”
“Good to hear.” Remus goes back to paying attention to his book. “Don’t do it again, James.”
“I won’t,” James reassures. “I genuinely do think we’re better as friends.”
James gets on with his morning, and he is very glad to see Mary and Lily sitting at their table, Lily laughing happily next to Remus, Mary talking about something with Sirius. James sits in between Peter and Marlene, interrupting whatever conversation that they’re having.
“Rude,” Peter mutters lightheartedly, but deciding to strike up a conversation with Remus and Lily instead.
James looks at Marlene, “I am extremely confident in today.”
Marlene raises her eyebrows, “Today?”
“Yes,” he says simply. “Wish me luck.”
“As if you need it.” Marlene grins at him. “Tell me how it goes.”
“Marlene,” Mary calls from across from her, “Can you fucking believe that Sirius genuinely believes that Stevie Nicks is the downfall of Fleetwood Mac?”
Sirius groans, “That’s so not what I said! I love her and I think she’s an amazing addition, but all I said was that it is different music now.”
Marlene scoffs, “Yes, it’s better music now.”
Sirius grimaces, “It’s-”
“Don’t even finish that thought,” Marlene interrupts.
Mary sighs, “I think you’re the only one with this opinion, Sirius.”
“Well, maybe it’ll grow on me.” Sirius shrugs. “I guess I’ll listen to it more over the holidays.”
James lets his eyes wander as they argue, not even hearing what’s being said after that. Remus and Peter are also having a debate, and Lily is just laughing at their antics. He looks over at the Slytherin table, obviously looking for Regulus. James notices that he seems to be in a bad mood, looking anywhere but his friends, staring off into space. For a moment, James feels his confidence shatter, feeling that Regulus will inevitably shut James down, like always.
He pushes that thought down, for now, he’s just going to start small anyways, nothing to fret over.
“Hello,” James says to Regulus politely, same thing as always.
“Hello,” Regulus replies back, unlike his usual nods in James’ direction after he says hello.
James can feel his face go warm, and his heart is beating fast, wanting to jump out of his chest. But he tries his best to ignore the feeling arising, and pretends he’s not losing his mind over a single word uttered from Regulus. “How are you?” James’ voice is more high pitched, but he doesn’t dwell on it for too long. He can’t dwell on it, or he’d lose his nerve.
Regulus sighs, as if he regrets ever saying anything to James in the first place. “Alright.” James can only imagine how wide the smile on his face is at the moment, only growing bigger with each word Regulus says to him.
“That’s brilliant,” James whispers, allowing himself to really study the beauty in Regulus’ features before finally pulling his eyes to the front of the class. ”Having a good day so far?”
Regulus scoffs, “I was having a fucking magnificent day until I was joined by you.”
James laughs, from somewhere deep within his gut, he has to cover his mouth with his hand, just so he doesn’t cause people’s eyes to turn towards him. James doesn’t know how to explain it, but this kind of laughter is a kind he’s never felt before. There’s something about Regulus that is so enticing, much more so after hearing him speak. But, James just hopes with everything in him, that Regulus is someone good. He just desperately hopes that these terrifying, gnawing feelings that James has so much of, are justified in the end.
“You’re quite funny, Regulus,” James chokes out, finally done with his mini laughing fit, only to look to his side and see that Regulus is not amused in the slightest.
“That wasn’t supposed to be funny, ” Regulus tells James, and he genuinely does sound like he’s offended. “How was that funny?”
James shrugs, “I dunno, you're just so pretty on the outside, so your words are just unexpected.”
Regulus’ eyebrow raises, in a challenging manner. “Pretty?”
Oh, shit. James did say that, didn’t he?
“Well, no, no. Not pretty, not saying that you’re pretty, but like-” Regulus’ eyebrows get somehow even higher, seeming more and more offended with each word that’s tumbling from James’ mouth. Despite this, James can’t stop bloody talking, the words leaving past his lips uncontrollably. “Wait no, no! You are pretty, extremely so, I just- oh for fucks sake.” James gives up, dragging a hand down his face in embarrassment. Moments like these make James want to run into the forest, to become a stag for the rest of his life, that’s how humiliated he feels right now.
Regulus shakes his head, a certain fondness in it that James hopes he’s not just imagining. “Idiot,” he mutters.
James doesn’t even get a chance to respond, Slughorn deciding this is the perfect time to finally begin class, promptly ending their conversation. James doesn’t even know if they’ll have another one, on the slim chance Regulus doesn’t think that James is the biggest idiot in the entire world after that mess of a conversation. Slughorn drones on and on about things that James can’t bring himself to pay attention to, and he quickly finds himself drifting off into his own world, with his head resting on his hand.
He watches as Sirius is slowly moving his chair as far away as he can from Snape. He sees Remus and Lily taking notes and listening intently to every word. Obviously, he looks at Regulus, watching as he stares off into space for a bit, only to abruptly snap his eyes back to Slughorn. James watches his chinks turn slightly pink, and Christ, he just wishes that he could look inside his mind. James does slowly pull his attention back to the lecture. But when he does, he catches a glimpse of Regulus’ hands resting on the table, just laying there flat on the table.
Regulus has one singular ring on his pale hands, right on his left pinky. A beautiful silver ring that almost resembles a Snitch. James finds it endearing and smiles softly as he finally forces himself to start listening to Professor Slughorn.
Whenever class finally ends, he walks back to his dorms with Sirius, as always. “Are you ever jealous of Remus?” Sirius asks suddenly, so sudden that James almost laughs.
“What?” James shakes his head. “No. Why would I be?”
“Well, Lily and Remus, they’ve always been close, you know?” Sirius shrugs. “Guess I thought it’d get to you.”
“No, it used to, obviously. But not anymore. Why?” James teases, “Are you jealous?”
“Absolutely not,” Sirius exclaims, “I could never fancy Lily. Ew, she’s my friend. No fucking way.”
“Oi!” Lily suddenly appears, playfully pinching Sirius’ side. “Don’t sound so disgusted at the idea, Black.” She begins walking with them, taking up the space between Sirius and James.
“Please, I did not sound disgusted! Honestly Lily, I am quite offended that you think I’d be disgusted.” Lying straight through his teeth, possibly unaware of what Lily might’ve heard.
Lily blinks at him, “Sirius, I quite literally heard you say the word ‘ew’ when thinking about dating me.”
Sirius quickly looks between James and Lily, desperately trying to change the subject, “How did this friendship suddenly sprout, anyways?”
“Remus,” Lily and James reply at the same time.
Sirius rolls his eyes, and James isn’t quite sure if it’s playful or not. “Of course it was him. Always meddling in other people’s business.”
Not playful, James concludes. He looks over at Lily, and sees that she also hears that cold edge to his voice, based on the way she slightly raises her eyebrows at James and frowns. Yeah, James and Lily are going to be great friends, he’s absolutely certain of that.
“Are you and Moony arguing, or something?” James asks once he and Sirius are back in their dorm, just the two of them.
“No.” Sirius puts on a jumper that’s not his, an old, faded Chudley Cannons jumper, meaning it’s probably James’. “Well, nothing I feel like talking about right now.”
James studies his face, and he can tell that Sirius means it. So instead he nods, and he drops the subject, asking Sirius when they’re planning their first party of the year. The two of them laugh and talk, sharing old memories of each other, embarrassing moments that they’ve endured. They talk and talk in James’ bed, until they have no more stories to tell, but even then, when they have nothing meaningful to say, they talk about random shit that crosses their minds, things too dumb to ask others.
James loves Sirius, and he is practically internally begging the universe to not let anything come between them.
But James knows that the feelings he holds for Regulus make that pretty much impossible.