James
James was always trying his hardest, every single day. He spent everyday trying to become a better person, trying to make sure that he was someone that his parents and friends were proud of. Easier said than done, to be honest. But he was going to be a good person, and he was going to push himself to do what was best for everyone else, including himself.
However, he finds that it’s extremely bloody difficult to be nice when he wakes up to the lovely sound of Peter and Sirius arguing. Who knows what they’re arguing about, James reckons they both just like to argue for the hell of it. On any other occasion, he’d probably laugh it off, and get ready to start his day.
Except for the fact that he was having such a lovely dream. He can’t remember exactly what was happening in it, but he just remembers how sweet it was. In this certain dream, James was making dinner, someone wrapping their arms around his torso from behind him. James knows exactly – well, to an extent – of who it was behind him, but he feels it’s a bit pathetic to have such a domestic dream about someone he hasn’t actually spoken to. But that’s just in James’ nature. When he likes something, no matter who or what it is, it just infests his mind, plaguing it with hopeless ideals that will never ever be fulfilled.
Nevertheless, he does eventually pull himself out of bed with a long groan, Peter and Sirius immediately quieting down.
“Why are you two up?” James questions, rubbing his eyes, his voice deep since he’d just been very rudely awakened.
“This idiot ,” Peter starts, hissing the last word directed at Sirius.
Sirius doesn’t let him finish, “Do not even try to blame me, Pettigrew.”
Peter scoffs, “It’s quite literally entirely your fault”
“It’s too bloody early in the morning to be arguing. Please stop,” James tells them, even though the two are too busy going at it again to even hear him. James rubs his eyes again, and stands up to go shower and get ready for his day.
He’s totally not excited at all to see the Slytherin bloke again. James is definitely not overanalyzing every part of his appearance just on the off chance they just happen to make simple eye contact.
Nope.
When James finally gets back into his room, he’s annoyed to see Peter and Sirius still bickering under their breaths, shoving each other harshly, and also simultaneously trying not to wake up Remus. James silently sneaks out of the dorm, heading to breakfast by himself and a lot earlier than he usually does.
He is pleasantly surprised to see he won’t be entirely alone, seeing as Marlene is sitting at their usual table, “Morning.” she tells him brightly as he sits down, not even looking in James’ direction. Instead, her eyes are pretty much glued to the Slytherin table, and James can’t even blame her for doing so.
“Morning,” James nods, loading his plate up with food. “Sleep well, Mars?”
Marlene nods, finally looking at James, a smile plastered on her face. “Sure, what about you?”
“Yeah, I slept…” James trails off, right as the beautiful boy he saw yesterday walks in, alongside the friend he was standing next to the day before.
“James?“ Marlene follows James' gaze over towards the pair, “Oh.”
“Oh.” James whispers, following every step that he takes to sit down with his friends.
He looks so magical, how is it possible that someone can look so wonderfully put together this early in the morning? James can see his entire face, and he’s wearing a stony expression, no hint of a smile in sight.
His eyes are so familiar that James has a slight suspicion that he has possibly seen him before, but not even just in his eyes, but even the way that he holds himself looks familiar. It’s almost unsettling, but a part of him just refuses to believe it.
“Regulus sure has changed over the summer.” a voice says from next to James, making him jump. He widens his eyes as he realizes that it’s Mary speaking to him, who has somehow squeezed between him and Marlene. They haven’t spoken directly since third year, way before Lily decided to stop talking to him. To be honest, James doesn’t think Mary has ever liked him, probably not since first year.
James splutters, “Sorry?”
“Baby Black. Sitting next to Dorcas Meadowes?” James looks at her blankly for a moment, and Mary rolls her eyes. “Dorcas being the one you can’t stop staring at? It’s so obvious James, you don’t have to pretend.”
“Dorcas?” James feels all over the place, desperately trying to process it all. Realization sets in quickly, hitting James with so much force to the point that he feels breathless. “Wait, that’s Regulus?”
Mary nods, “The one and only. Definitely not the scrawny little boy anymore, I’ll say that much.”
“No,” James shakes his head, shocked. “Guess not.”
Mary laughs, “Don’t look too amazed there, Potter. If I didn’t know any better then I’d think he was the one you were looking at.”
Marlene suddenly seems to snap back into herself, and process what exactly Mary is saying, “Wait, that’s Dorcas?”
Mary nods, “She also seemed to change over the summer.”
Marlene groans, “You’re kidding.”
Mary shrugs, nodding her head towards James. “At least it’s not her that you like.” Marlene’s cheeks immediately redden as she rolls her eyes, and Mary narrows her eyes at Marlene.
“Why’re you speaking with me?” James asks quickly, taking the fire off of Marlene, but also genuinely not understanding how Mary is even tolerating being next to him at the moment.
Mary sighs and shakes her head. “Don’t worry about it.”
James just nods, a bit shocked about the information he has just received. He feels stupid for not realizing who the person he fancied was sooner.
Regulus Black. Or, better known to James as the estranged brother of his best friend refuses to even acknowledge.
Sirius never talks about Regulus anymore, not since the two built a wall between each other during Sirius’ third year. After that, there was no more talking about Regulus, no pointing him out, no more advice about him. After James’ third year, he just stopped paying attention to Regulus completely, it wasn’t worth risking his friendship with Sirius. The only exception was Qudditch, but even then he never really gave Regulus a second thought, he wasn’t any exceptional Quidditch seeker that James found himself magnetized to. Gryffindor always ended up winning anyways, so there was no need to think about him whenever James wasn’t playing against Slytherin.
Except for now.
Now, Regulus is all that James can think about. How fucked up is that?
Almost as if he can read James’ mind, Regulus glances up, and for barely a split second, their eyes lock.
As soon as their eyes connect, James involuntarily gives him a soft smile before quickly pulling his eyes away, looking anywhere other than Regulus.
But even in that millisecond he just looked so wonderful. So wonderfully there, with such wonderful gray eyes, those stupidly lovely piercing eyes that James will probably never stop thinking about now that he’s seen them looking into his own. They’re just so bright, so full of life, and Merlin, James just so desperately wants to know Regulus better.
But he knows that that’s impossible. It’s such an out of reach request, one wish that will never be granted.
This isn’t fair. None of it is fair. Why can’t James ever find himself falling for someone that would actually like him back?
It’s fine, actually. James can learn to be content with just admiring Regulus, adoring him from far away and in silence, until eventually his crush just fades away into nothingness. James risks one more glance at Regulus, only to see he’s listening to his friend talk. His stony expression has now faded away, and instead he’s wearing a grin that disappears as quick as it appeared.
“Morning, Prongs,” Sirius says, sliding on the opposite side of James.
James nearly snaps his neck to look at Sirius, “Hello there.”
Sirius hardly questions his behavior, “Am I in the wrong here? Please enlighten me.”
“For what, exactly?” James questions, having absolutely no clue what Sirius is talking about.
“With Pete.” Sirius quietens his voice, even though they’re the only ones there. Mary and Marlene have disappeared, and James was too lost in thought to even realize that they had left.
“What happened to Pete?” James asks dumbly.
Sirius groans, “He told me a secret, right? And I promised I wouldn’t tell anybody, but I did decide to tell Moony. Because, well, it’s Moony, he’s the least judgemental lad I know! Anyways, it wasn’t like a serious secret, or anything. But either way, Peter found out that I told Remus, so that’s why we were arguing this morning.”
James hums in acknowledgement, “Why didn’t I get to know the secret?”
“It’s nothing, and it’s bad enough that I told Remus.” Sirius reassures.
“Why didn’t you tell me? I thought I was the least judgemental lad you know?” James frowns, dramatically putting his hand to his heart, as if he was wounded.
Sirius rolls his eyes, even though all of his friends’ dramatics is just a product of his own. “Oh calm down, I’ll tell you.”
“Alright,” James says happily, “go on then.”
“You can’t tell Pete, he’s already upset that I told Moony.” James nods. “All he said was that he wished he could be a bit taller, or slimmer.”
“Aw.” James frowns genuinely this time, “But Peter is just perfect the way he is!”
Sirius sighs, “I told him the exact same thing, but he just wouldn’t listen to me.”
James thinks everyone has silently agreed to take care of Peter, even Lily and Mary who don’t talk to them as much anymore. Peter plays a huge part in their friend group, and everyone can probably collectively say that they’d all go to war for him. Not like they really need to, Peter has demonstrated just how well he can hold his own. He’s just the type to strategize his remarks or revenge, unlike James or Sirius who both enjoy jumping straight into the fire. And it will always pain James everytime Peter undermines his worth. God, to be fair, all of his friends think so little of themselves, and James just wishes they’d see how much James loves each of them, wishes they’d see the momentous impact on James’ life. But, Peter is the one who remembered little things about his friends, remembering every little detail about each of them. Peter is the one who likes to take care of his sick friends, even if James and Sirius are dramatic gits who think they’re going to die when they get a cold.
“Morning,” Peter says warmly, just as he and Remus finally join them.
Remus sighs in pain as he sits down next to Sirius, and Peter sits next to James. “Morning, both of you.”
“Peter Pettigrew,” James begins sternly, ignoring Sirius’ very obvious whispers telling him to quit.
“Oh god.” Peter rolls his eyes, glaring at Sirius.
“I love you, alright? You’re a wonderful lad, and I-”
“I hate this so much.” Peter groans, yet James just keeps going.
“-am so lucky to have you. You’re a-”
Peter’s face is red with embarrassment, but there’s a fond look in his eyes. “Sirius, I hate you so fucking much.”
James pats his cheeks, “You’re perfect Wormy, never change.”
“I’m not a baby,” Peter points out. “I was just feeling a little down when I spoke to Sirius, but I’m fine now.”
“I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you,” James tells him, nudging Peter’s arm. “We all do. Even if we don’t really show it all the time.”
Peter shakes his head, smiling wide. “Thank you guys. Honestly.”
James’ day runs rather smoothly, and he makes it all the way to Potions - his last class - before everything starts to go so unbelievably wrong. Potions started perfectly fine, this year they are with the Slytherins, but he also gets to sit next to Sirius in the back of the class which makes up for the extremely annoying people in their class. About five minutes into the class period, there’s a soft, faint knock on the door. Of course, James and Sirius hardly pay attention to it, laughing too hard at each other to even register anything else going on in the class.
“Mr. Black and Mr. Potter!” Professor Slughorn says sternly from the front of the class. Both of them finally look up, and James’ eyes immediately widen.
Regulus Black, glaring directly at him, with pink cheeks that were probably there because James couldn’t shut up, therefore forcing Regulus to stand alone in front of everybody and wait for them to shut up.
“Thank you boys,” Slughorn sighs tiredly, “As I was saying, Regulus is going to join us for the remainder of the year, due to the numerous talented achievements that Mr. Black has completed over his past couple years at Hogwarts.” Slughorn continues bragging on those achievements for a few moments, and Regulus flushes a deeper shade of pink, covering his entire face. He looks down at his shoes, letting his wavy hair hang over half of his face.
“His hair,” Sirius whispers, “it’s so long. ”
“Is that… wrong?” James whispers back, glancing between Sirius and Regulus.
“No, it’s just…different. Dunno how he got away with it.” Sirius has a sad, almost nostalgic look in his eyes, no doubt missing his brother, and James hates to see it there. He never wants to see any sadness cloud his best friend’s eyes, and he will always do whatever it takes to take it away.
“Alright,” Slughorn calls from the front of class, still talking about Regulus, “there’s an empty seat next to Severus, so that’s where you’ll sit for now. Now, let’s continue where we left off.”
James exhales, relieved that Regulus is seated all the way in the front of the class, nowhere near him. It’s for the best, honestly if James was near him, he’d probably fail every single one of his assignments.
After that, things begin to run smoothly again, except for the fact Sirius is in a sour mood, and James tries his absolute hardest to get rid of it.
James and Sirius are both a bit immature, so the only thing that lifts his mood is when James mocks Slughorn and Snape behind their backs. James and Sirius have a strong distaste for Severus Snape, going back all the way to the first day of their first year. Maybe it was because Snape was always so rude, always believing he was above everybody else. Or maybe it was the fact that he was always all over Lily, the two being close friends since before Hogwarts. It could be the fact that he was friends with Lily - something that James wasn’t - and never failed to treat her like shit, angering James to no end.
There were many reasons why James didn’t like Snape, and maybe he shouldn’t be as nasty to him, but it’s literally impossible not to be.
“Oh my Severus! What a magnificent advancement of yours!” James imitates, almost exactly copying just how nasally Slughorn sounds. Slughorn is almost always complimenting Snape’s work, no matter what he’s brewing or writing. The uncanny impression leaves Sirius dying with laughter, struggling to catch his breath.
“Mr. Black!” Slughorn shouts, Sirius’ laughter dying down. “This is a very important lesson, one that requires your utmost and undivided attention! If you disrupt my class again, there will be consequences.”
“Ew,” Sirius whispers when Slughorn finally turns back around, “I swear to god, literal chunks of spit just flew out of his mouth during that scolding.”
James scrunches up his nose in disgust, “Well I, for one, really fucking hope it flew directly into Snape’s face.”
Sirius, bless him, really does try to keep his laughter inside. But, James can practically see Sirius play out the scenario in his mind, and can see the exact moment Sirius can’t contain his laughter any longer.
“Ten points from Gryffindor!” Slughorn huffs, growing more and more agitated as each second passes, “You, Mr. Sirius Black, will have detention for a week, as well as switch seats with your brother until the end of the term.”
“What?” Sirius shakes his head aggressively, “No, no that can’t happen! Professor-”
“Switch seats, Mr. Black.” Slughorn interrupts gravely. “Or, I will not hesitate to send a few letters and make arrangements to give you indefinite detention.”
Sirius eventually does give up and gather his things, moving to sit in the seat once occupied by his brother. Both him and Regulus went completely out of their way to make sure they didn’t run into each other, both of them seemingly in an equally shitty mood. James notices how Regulus glances up at locks eyes with James’, making his own breath catch slightly.
James clears his throat and tries not to break out into a wide smile as Regulus takes his seat next to him, “Hello.”
“Don’t talk to me.” Regulus responds immediately, not even glancing at him.
The first words they’ve ever spoken to each other, and James’ mind is already scrambling at how smooth his voice sounds in his ears. He wants to hear it all the time, no matter what is said. “Got it.”
The only thing James learns in Potions so far is that it’s pretty fucking hard for your crush to ‘fade away into nothingness’, when the guy you fancy is sitting right next to you.
It’d be annoying if Regulus wasn’t so bloody beautiful to look at. That’s a solid fact, James feels. He’s very appealing to the human eye, James is absolutely certain that that is a point that everyone in the world could agree on. He must’ve been hand sculpted, made with such wonderful care and perfection. A kind of perfection that makes James feel like he wasn’t even worthy to look at Regulus, or even be sat next to him.
“Don’t even look at me.” Regulus says suddenly, making James snap his head to the front of the classroom, embarrassed that he had been caught.
“I, um, what? I wasn’t doing that?” James literally winces at his words, immediately hating how unsure that he seems to sound. He feels dumb. Since when did he get so nervous around people that he fancied?
“Don’t talk to me.” Regulus repeats, so obviously exasperated and James can't help but find it a bit adorable.
James frowns, trying to be lighthearted, “Not even once?”
Regulus doesn’t even make an effort to respond to him, his face obviously annoyed as he keeps his eyes trained on his paper.
When class ends maybe an hour later, Regulus immediately bolts out of the classroom, James tracking him with his eyes until he turns a corner and disappears completely out of James’ sight. Sirius takes his spot, obviously very annoyed with his own class experience.
“This is a fucking joke,” Sirius groans.
“Hm?” James looks back at Sirius, and sees how miserable he looks. “Oh yeah, I know. Same here.” They start walking together back to their dorms, class over for the day.
“It’s so funny,” Sirius begins, sitting on the edge of his bed. “Like, the universe just paired us with the worst people imaginable today. Christ, why do I have to be the one to sit by fucking Snape? ”
James snorts, watching how Sirius falls backward on his bed. “Just our luck, really.”
“Probably payback.” Sirius sighs loudly, “Good luck to you, by the way. Regulus is such an insufferable prick.”
James feels the sudden urge to defend Regulus, which he quickly realizes is the stupidest thought that his brain could possibly have. James knows close to nothing about Regulus, not enough to defend Regulus from his own brother. He wants to know him so badly, in that selfish moment, there is nothing that James wants more. He wants to figure out what would make Regulus laugh, or what would make him happy. James is dying to hear his laugh, or hear his own name falling from those lips.
It’s frightening.