James
When James Potter boarded the Hogwarts Express at eleven years old, he knew he was going to have the most fun in his entire life. He loved the stories his parents would tell them about Hogwarts, of their professors, the friends that they made - the stories were just magnificent. He could just picture walking into a beautiful castle filled with magic, that’s just about what every eleven year old dreams about. The pure excitement that he felt when he sat in a compartment was like nothing else James has ever felt, and he hasn’t felt anything like it since.
When he was on the train, sitting in his own compartment, he ran into three people that would become his very best friends.
Or rather, they ran into him.
Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, and Sirius Black each came tumbling into his compartment, each running away from something. Remus was first, running away from people in general, but seeing it was only James at the time he decided to stay. Peter was second, hiding from a fifth year that he had ‘accidentally’ tripped. Last was Sirius, who was hiding from his nasty family, wanting to remain separated from them.
On that train ride, in James’ little compartment, James had known that he had made friends for a lifetime, something that they all knew at that moment. The four of them were lucky enough to end up in the same house, and to be living in the same dorm.
He seemed to be an extremely lucky guy, because that night at their sorting ceremony he had made three more friends in Gryffindor, Marlene McKinnon, Mary Macdonald, and Lily Evans.
Lily also happened to be the most beautiful girl in the entire world.
Lily Evans, with glorious red hair and emerald eyes. She had given him a handshake and introduced herself to James, sending him into a love sick spiral.
He was thrilled for Hogwarts after that. But also extremely terrified, for a variety of reasons. Mainly, he didn’t want to leave his mum and dad. His parents were absolutely wonderful, raising him in an environment where he was loved and cared for. His parents made sure that he knew they’d love him forever, and James was never scared to tell them anything. His parents’ love for each other was never a secret, and all James had wanted since the age of five, was to have their kind of love.
So, it was no surprise that he had spent every single day, for the next four years trying to get Lily Evans to love him back, which was instead pushing her away even further.
Despite the warnings he got from Lily and his friends, he wasn't the type to give up, and he had justified his actions by telling himself he was just an extremely determined person. Which wasn’t necessarily a lie, he was very determined to win over Lily, and he was so certain that she was the one for him.
It wasn’t until mid October of their fourth year that James knew he had fucked it all up. James always made sure to keep his little love propositions small, and within their little group. But during his fourth year, he wanted to go all out, always doing things in front of a crowd. The breaking point was when James had embarrassed her in front of the whole school, pushing her in a literal spotlight and making her dance with him.
Lily being the same person who always hated when the attention was on her, who shut down when a bunch of eyes were on her. Every time that James thinks about it, he literally feels himself die a bit inside. He hates that he ever made Lily uncomfortable, and will forever regret any of his actions.
Obviously, Lily had yelled at him in front of everybody, telling him to stop talking to her completely. He deserved it, James sees it now, and he wishes he would’ve stopped before it was too late. All of his good luck had seemed to run thin. He was absolutely shattered, to say the least. He just so desperately wanted it to work out, and he truly believed that it would if he tried hard enough.
James could never admit it, but all of the numerous rejections from Lily disintegrated his confidence. They would never stop stinging, no matter how many times he kept telling himself and others that it was okay.
He just wanted Lily to care for him, just as much as he felt he cared for her. All James wanted was to be enough for her, for her to look at him and see someone that was worthy of being her boyfriend. But she never could.
Maybe that was when James realized that he needed to work on himself. He was nearly entirely dependent on some kind of validation from Lily, and he felt like he didn’t even give himself the ability to even get to know anybody else. So, the rest of his fourth year and the entire summer, James tried to not focus on Lily.
It was difficult, and hardly an easy feat.
However, James had his best friends. Sirius, Peter, and Remus were there to support him, even if James thought he didn’t deserve any of it. He had them, and he loved them with everything in him. Together, the four of them, they caused chaos, and had some very memorable moments.
How many people could say that they had a best friend who was a werewolf, and that they were illegal animagus as an act of solidarity?
James Potter could.
Well, and of course so could Sirius and Peter. And Remus was the said werewolf, which was insanely cool.
Mary loathed him, so until Lily forgave him, he didn’t have them two by his side anymore. Marlene was there for him though. They were on the Quidditch team, so they really couldn’t avoid each other forever. And because she and Lily were best friends, she did give him a stern talking to whenever it was just the two of them. But she also said that she was going to stay friends with him, and that was exactly what James needed to hear.
He didn’t blame Lily or Mary for choosing to not be friends with him, and he would not have blamed Marlene if she decided the same thing. He messed up on multiple occasions, and he had to have repercussions for them.
But he was beyond happy to have Marlene, mainly because the two of them were scarily similar. Him and Marlene had loads of heart to hearts, talking about everything sad or scary that they were normally afraid to show other people. They bonded over their abilities to push every negative feeling aside, or their love and adoration for other people. They shared whispers and stories that were enough to sprout many rumors about the two of them.
Actually, Sirius is one of the many who was absolutely convinced that the two of them were dating, and that’s exactly what’s going on now.
The first week of their fifth year - James still sticking to his commitment of not pursuing or even thinking of Lily - and Sirius is sitting next to James on the couch of the Gryffindor common room, feet in James’ lap, pestering him. “Prongs, I am telling you that she’s so into you.”
The idea of dating Marlene was never even a possibility in James’ eye, not until Sirius and others kept suggesting it. But, it’s never going to happen, the two of them are best friends, and would never be anything more. “Come off it, Pads,” James groans. “It’s not like that.”
Remus sighs from across the room on the couch. “Sirius, not everyone who talks to James has to be into him.”
“Well they should be,” Sirius scoffs, “He’s a real catch.”
At the exact same moment, Marlene comes barreling down the stairs from the girl’s dormitory. “James!” she shouts, “Quick, quick, quick!”
James jumps at her sudden appearance, but he gets up swiftly, knocking Sirius’ feet from his lap, and quickly follows her out the door. He doesn’t even need to look at Sirius to know that he’s wearing the biggest smug face.
James is chasing Marlene throughout the castle, the two heading straight for the Quidditch Pitch, the place where they talk about literally every single thing that comes to their mind.
“I’ve made a discovery,” Marlene says as they both sit down in the middle of the pitch, across from each other.
“About?"
Marlene takes a deep breath. “About myself. And I just desperately need to tell someone about it.”
James nods, “Alright, take your time.”
“I’ve been thinking it over for a while, and I trust that you won’t judge me for it. Please,” she pleads, “don’t view me differently when I tell you.”
James immediately shakes his head, “Marlene, I would never judge you or see you differently. You can trust me.”
Marlene takes another deep breath, steadying herself. “I like girls.” she whispers after a few seconds. “I’m a lesbian.” Marlene says a bit louder than the last time, as if she’s testing the words on her tongue.
James is a bit shocked, but he absolutely does not view Marlene any differently than he did five minutes ago. He does, however, think about himself a bit differently. Simply because being gay wasn’t seen as an option for James, and not because of anything besides maybe being a bit sheltered
Actually, being with a boy doesn’t seem like a bad option for James. Seems quite lovely, come to think of it.
He’ll push that aside for now, think about it later.
Instead, he envelopes a worried looking Marlene in his arms, giving her a giant hug. He feels her shoulders shake slightly, and he just hugs her tighter, begging the universe to make any of her worries disappear.
He’s tearing a page out of his mum’s book, not pulling away until Marlene decides to pull away first. He gives her a friendly kiss in her hair, a piece of affection James does for every one of his friends, if they’re okay with it.
“It’s okay, Marlene.” James whispers, “I’m here for you, always.”
“You don’t think it’s wrong?” Marlene asks softly, her voice wobbly.
“What?” James shakes his head adamantly. “No, absolutely not. And I will personally fight anybody who says otherwise or gives you shit for liking girls.”
Marlene laughs lightly, pulling away from the hug. “Thank you, James, I appreciate you.”
James picks up her hand and squeezes it before dropping it back down, “Yeah, ‘course Marlene.”
“Are you two finally done hogging the bloody pitch?” a shrill voice shouts from the large wooden door, the entrance to the field.
“Idiots,” James mutters under his breath. There’s two figures standing far away, and James can’t make out who exactly it is. Except soon enough, there’s more than two figures standing, there’s an entire Quidditch team.
The Slytherin Quidditch team, to be exact. The ones that hate the Gryffindors just as much as the Gryffindors hate them, maybe even more.
“Seriously, we’ve been scheduled for this time on the pitch for ages.” the voice says again, marching closer towards James and Marlene. James knows exactly whose voice it is, their stupid captain, Avery.
Marlene groans, “I can’t stand them,” she whispers to James. “Can they not take two seconds to realize that we are obviously not going to ‘steal the pitch’?” James snickers at Marlene, and that quickly turns into annoyance as the entire Slytherin team stands before them.
“Avery.” James says gruffly in acknowledgement, as Avery is literally looking down on them.
“Potter.” Avery sneers back. “Get the fuck off my pitch.”
“No need to be so aggressive , Avery.” James smirks, “We were just leaving.” James stands up, holding his hand out for Marlene to get up as well. They take their time, making a whole show of dramatically stretching and wiping nothing off of their pants, anything to make the Slytherins upset.
It definitely works. The whole team is groaning and rolling their eyes at them, muttering insults that James can’t hear.
“You’re such a fucking idiot, Potter. Just fucking go!” Mulciber hisses, Avery’s right hand man, moving through the crowd to stand right next to Avery.
James puts his hands in the air, as if he’s surrendering. “We are leaving, Mulciber. Use your eyes.”
James finally does halfway turn around, fully expecting Marlene to follow him. Instead, James finds that she's staring intently at someone in the crowd, and when James follows her eyes, he sees two people having an in depth conversation.
Two very beautiful people, there’s absolutely no denying that.
One very beautiful person in particular that James has his eyes on.
James can only see a bit of his side profile, but even then he can hardly imagine seeing anything as beautiful as this particular person.
He’s so sharp, so poised.
So very alluring, and James wants to know everything about him.
He has black, wavy hair that covers his eyes from view. His nose is pointed, with a slight bump towards the top. His lips are slightly parted, and James might be going slightly crazy just looking at them.
James clears his throat, suddenly realizing Mulciber and Avery plus some other players are shouting at him and Marlene.
“We’re going,” James nudges Marlene, finally breaking her trance.
“Yeah,” Marlene clears her throat, “We’re leaving.”
The pair walk in silence off of the pitch, James too in his head to say anything with meaning. He can’t stop thinking about the boy that he just saw. His strong concentration to whatever his friend was saying, or his little nods to signal that he’s paying attention.
Marlene sighs deeply from next to him, “I think I just fell in love.”
“Me too, Mars.” Oh, this is bad, bad, bad.
Marlene scoffs, “Better not be the girl that I am in love with."
“No.” James grins, and he can’t help that it falters just a bit. “The guy next to her.”
Marlene raises her eyebrows, “Is that so?”
Merlin, James is absolutely terrified of what this means. He can’t bring himself to even look at Marlene as he speaks. “Yeah.”
“If you don’t mind me asking,” she says softly, “is it just boys?”
James shrugs, “I don’t know yet.”
He feels like he doesn’t know anything anymore. Since when did James feel so fucking out of control of his own life?
“I reckon you don’t have to know, you have so much time in your life to figure it out. There’s no pressure, James, it’s your life.”
James nods thoughtfully, Marlene always knowing the perfect things to say. “Thank you, Marlene. For always being here for me.”
Marlene gives him a soft smile, “Thank you , James. For everything.”
“I’m proud of you, Mars.” James tells her after a few minutes of walking in silence.
Marlene sighs, “I’m proud of the both of us.”
“How was your date?” Sirius asks, as soon as James walks into their dorm.
James shakes his head, a smile on his face that hadn’t left since he saw the wonderful person at the pitch. “Not a date.”
“You’re smiling.” Sirius points out the obvious.
“I’m always smiling.”
“Not like this,” Sirius actually fucking giggles at James. “You’re absolutely smitten.”
James tries to drop his smile, but to no avail. “Am not.”
Sirius coos at him, “It’s so sweet. James is all grown up! He's finally moving on.”
Sirius then tries to pinch James’ cheek, in turn James slaps his hand away, causing the two of them to go into a frenzy. They’re wrestling on the ground, hitting each other - James obviously winning - when Remus and Peter walk in.
“For fucks sake,” Remus groans.
“Well, hello there Moony.” Sirius grins, finally standing up in front of Remus. Remus rolls his eyes lightheartedly, moving past Sirius to go get ready for bed.
James’ mind wanders as everyone gets ready for bed, and he wonders what the pretty boy would think about him. Would he smile at his antics? Would he be too cruel? What if he’s not even interested in guys, then what? James hates that he wasn’t paying attention to him sooner, but he definitely will be now. He also suddenly realizes that Peter is standing over him, waving his hand in James’ face.
“Sorry.” James sits up. “Thinking.”
Sirius hums knowingly while pulling a jumper over his head, “Thinking about a girl whose name begins with M and ends in E? Perhaps?”
Peter looks questioningly at James. “You’re dating Maeve?”
Sirius looks at Peter sideways, “What? No, you idiot. He’s dating Marlene.”
Peter scrunches up his nose. “There’s no way.”
“See!” James points at Sirius, “Even Peter thinks it’s not possible!”
Sirius splutters, “I’m just telling you-“
“Merlin, just give it a rest Sirius.” Remus sighs exasperated, emerging from the bathroom. “If James says it’s not a thing, then it’s not a thing.”
“Thank you, Moony.” James huffs. “I’ll love you forever.”
“Feelings mutual, James. Now all of you shut up, so I can finally rest.”
Sirius huffs in frustration, watching as Remus crawls in his bed. “You never tell me that you love me.”
“It’s because you’re so bloody annoying.” Peter points out, narrowing his eyes at Sirius.
“Fuck you, Pettigrew.”
“Fucking hell, go to bed.” Remus groans loudly from his bed, his tone signaling that he’s not in the mood.
Sirius glares at Remus, and rolls his eyes. “Anything for you, my darling.”
Peter rolls his eyes, “Yes, mum.”
James collapses in his own bed, grateful for everything and everyone that he has in his life. He’s grateful for the boy that he doesn’t even know, and James doesn’t even know if he wants to find out.
The last time he felt this strongly about someone, he messed it up.
He pushed too hard, he tried to get too close, he fucked it up.
He doesn’t want to do that this time. He can’t.
Godric, he feels a bit pathetic. Having a crush on a guy who might not even be into blokes, or someone who doesn’t know that he even exists. But even if it turns into nothing, James enjoys admiring from afar.