Epiphany
‘Why are you so afraid of using someone else’s potion?’ Harry asked, very focus on what he was doing. With a snort the other man moved his left arm to give the younger one a better access. ‘Because I don’t know how it has been made.’ Harry whispered ‘thanks’ before looking up at the man’s eyes. ‘But some coming from Saint Mungos should be safe, or am I missing something.’ The balm carefully applied on the man’s arm, Harry sighs proud of his work. Severus didn’t hiss to any of his care so far, which was a good thing right?
‘Not necessarily, I’ve made some potions for them some time ago, they don’t properly check the ingredients and with the list of potion masters they got, I won't be surprised that people actually die because of the potions given. Most potion masters are cheap and won’t hesitate to use outdated ingredients, or even don’t use some just to save money.’
Shocked and confused, Harry lets his arm fall on his lap looking straight at the other man. ‘You must be kidding me!!’ The shadow of a smile appeared on the man’s face. ‘Well it’s not THAT bad. They got masters that work full time for saint Mungos, and they are very competente brewers, but sometimes they order, that’s when the potions are bad, but it’s pretty rare for saint mungo's to order.’ The clean bandages in hands Harry start to magicly wrap the arm carefully. ‘So how could you end up with a potion that had been ordered? You said it yourself, the potion master’s in saint mungos are good ones. I’m not following.’ As the bandage finished to place itself on his wrist and got stuck with a little metal thingy, Harry saw Snape looking away. ‘Well… you’re right… But I still don't know who made it and what’s in there….’ Harry scoff, crossing his arms on his chest. Even with his long thick hair Harry could still see the blushing spreading on Snape cheeks. ‘Oh right… you’re being paranoid then.’
Harry wanted to laugh so hard right now but surprisingly he managed to control himself. But when Snape started sitting crossed legs and got straight on his back with a very serious and confident expression on his face, Harry couldn’t hold a tiny laugh to leave his lips. ‘I’m not being paranoid!! I’m being careful. Who could blame me during times like those?’ While saying all this Severus never once looked at the other man. His so controlled facial expression, totally ruined by the very red blush on his cheeks. The man looked like a child caught in the act but still trying to keep up appearances. And really this description just fit the man way too much to not be hilarious. ‘…Right…’ Harry said his own cheeks were getting red with hilarity. ‘I’m done, you can dress up properly.’
Now up on his feet Harry leaves the other man’s bed to go make himself a cup of tea in the wardrobe.
Was it weird to find his teacher cute when he was embarrassed?
Probably.
Snape had literally the age of his parents. How could it not be wrong? And beyond that, yes they talked, but he was still Severus Snape, the greasy git of the dungeons.
Well greasy git that wasn’t actually that greasy, and who had a pretty fair face when you actually try to pay attention to it. Even more when the man was showing unusual emotions.
‘By the way sir.’ Harry said while turning around, kettle still in hand. ‘Yes?’ The man wanted to return to his reading apparently. Snape was doing that a lot whenever Harry succeeded in teasing him. Probably to clear up his mind. ‘I noticed that Dobby never brought alcohol?’ The man, still looking at his book, snorted hironicly. ‘Right, like I would ever let you drink a drop of alcohol in front of me.’ Again, Snape was reminding Harry of how young he was, And for some reason it annoyed him. ‘I wasn't asking for me. Are you refraining because of me?’ Closing his book to give the younger one all his attention Severus frowns. ‘I don’t drink alcohol.’
This answer surprised Harry who almost spilled tea on the carpet. ‘You don’t?’ Seeming offended, the teacher answered irritably. ‘Do I look like a heavy drinker to you?!’ Oof, ok, touchy subject then. ‘What?! No of course not! I just assume that every adult enjoyed it.’ Ignoring the blush coming on his cheeks as he felt himself sound even younger than Snape liked to remind him of. ‘Well I don’t…’ Harry saw the man lower his head to his book, obviously closing up to the conversation.
Harry usually asked questions about school stuff, or non personal things. And with those the man always responds normally, he even starts making jokes and starts teasing Harry on some stuff. But whenever Harry asked personal questions there was a time when Snape started closing up.
And even if Harry wanted to know why the man reacted that way, he also felt that he shouldn't push too much on the matter.
‘Well with how Vernon used to act whenever he drank too much, it’s rather a good thing isn’t it?’ But in any case, Harry never ends those conversations on a bad note.
‘Anyway, what do you want to eat tonight?’ Harry asks, his head buried in the wardrobe’s fridge part.
OoO
Waking up the next day Harry felt excited. He was turning 16 years of age today. It was pretty ridiculous to be excited just because it was his birthday. It’s not like it ever was a special day for him. Most of his childhood, nobody ever wished it for him. But Harry could never bring himself to stop hoping for at least a bit of attention during that day.
This year he wasn’t with the Dursleys, so no chores and no mean comment on how he shouldn’t wait for anything.
But it wasn’t like he was with the Weasley, he was with Snape, in a very tiny room almost completely disconnected from the outside world.
So no reason to get excited.
Getting off his bed Harry starts making himself breakfast while turning on the radio.
Snape was still in his bed sound asleep. Or maybe not, maybe the man was reading, who knows. Anyhow, he never got out of his bed before 9, sometimes almost 10 in the morning, and by the way the man’s look when the curtains opened, he had never been awake since long. Snape was a night person, getting in bed around 2 in the morning and up late. ‘Hello Mister Potter.’ Says Snape as he tiredly rubs his eyes open.
‘Hi to you too sir.’ Feeling the excitement grow in his chest Harry tried very hard to ignore the emotion while the other man sat down in front of him with his breakfast ready for him. ‘When did you wake up?’ He asks, looking at Harry's empty plate and cup and his own fuming hot the statis spell dissipating in the air. ‘Around 7 am, why?’
Severus looked at him, sleep still very obvious on his face. ‘How do you manage to wake up this early when you go to sleep so late?’ Harry, drinking a newly poured morning tea, gave him a smiling look. ‘I don’t need that much sleep, that’s all.’ It was apparently a weird concept for Snape to be able to live with just 6 or 5 hours of sleep a day.
And just like that Severus starts eating his breakfast in silence while Harry listens to the radio excitement never really leaving his chest, but never rewarded.
Sometimes Harry’s heart would jump as the man asked him about the news, or to give him the kettle.
It was just a normal morning really. The man asked if any interesting news had come up on the radio while he was still asleep, Harry telling him of the new trendy boy’s band having another querell. Them making sassy comments on how the media, muggle and wizarding, was way too dramatic.
But never an ‘Happy birthday’.
When Harry went to his daily shower just after lunch, he sighed heavily against the door. He hated himself when he was this needy. Snape has no obligation to wish him. It was Snape and even with as much open hearted conversations as they could have in this room, it was still Snape.
‘Maybe he still doesn’t like me.’
With another heavy sigh Harry ruffled his hair angrily in desperation. Of course the man didn’t like him, he never did, it wasn’t about to change in a month. He was just being nicer probably because he felt guilty of his behavior, that was all.
On the other hand, Harry realizes that he …
He had started to grow fond of the other wizard.
Maybe it was only the expression of his grief after losing Sirius. Maybe it was only because of the current situation that Harry started holding on the man for support.
But it didn’t change that Harry looked at the man differently. That he liked him now.
To the point of waiting for a ‘Happy birthday’ from him.
‘Fuck…’
OoO
Opening for the ‘fridge’ Harry sighs again. Maybe he should have asked for a cake from Dobby? The sound of cuttery on his back Harry brings their meals on the table before lifting the stasis spell. The fumes until now suspended in the air start flowing again with a little shaa leaving the plates.
Sitting down Harry tried his best not to curse as Snape looked away again.
He couldn’t start a scene again, because he wasn’t sure if it actually was unusual or if Harry's needingness was making him see things. Was Snape usually looking at him whenever they faced each other? Harry wasn’t sure to be honest. Either way seeing him escape his gaze made him hiss angrily.
Maybe Harry had done something? Maybe Snape was still mad about the ‘alcohol’ conversation. Should Harry apologize? But if it wasn’t this, wouldn't Harry look like an overthinking idiot?
‘Are you not hungry?’ Snape asks, dragging Harry out of his thoughts. Looking at his plate and then at his professor, Harry sighs. ‘Not really to be honest.’ He said as he leaned on his hand lazily. He knew Snape had asked this because Harry was too eaten by his thoughts to remember eating, only staying in front of his plate in daze. But now that Harry thought about it, no he wasn’t hungry. His stomach had been twisted horribly the whole day, how could he be hungry? ‘Oh … don’t force yourself then.’ Giving the man a look Harry didn’t recognize the expression on his face.
Harry hadn't recognized the man the entire day. Not that it was weird. Harry couldn’t say he ‘knew’ Snape, only that he had started understanding him better, if, of course, Snape wasn’t lying to him.
But why could Harry not recognize any of his facial expressions today?
When the man finished his main dish Harry could swear to see a slight blush on his cheeks. ‘Do you still want dessert?’ The wizard asked while clearing the table for them. ‘Hmm yeah why not.’ The sound of cleaning spells echoed behind Harry’s back as Severus hmm in agreement. ‘Good then, I understood that they work quite hard on it.’ Confusion took place on the teenager’s face. ‘Who worked hard on what?’ Harry asked, turning to the man who finally looked back at him and called….
‘Dobby!’
A pop made Harry jump and turn again to see Dobby apparenting at Snape’s place, the little elf giving him a smile as bright as a million stars started screaming at him overjoyed.
‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY HARRY POTTER SIR!!!’
And then a million tiny pop explodes in the room creating billions of tiny glowing confettis around them.
Unable to know how to react, Harry only looked around himself, his eyes watering, not noticing Snape going to sit on his own bed. ‘I … I … what…’ Dobby was happily jumping around creating little fireworks in the air as the little confettis disappeared in contact with the ground. The excitement of the elfe striked Harry deep in the guts with so many emotions. But it was nothing compared to how the deep voice of his teacher managed to do to his overwhelmed brain.
‘Happy birthday Mister Potter.’
Harry turned to his teacher, blushing spreading all across his face.
Snape just wished him?
Snape looked away, Harry finally able to read the embarrassment on his face. ‘Since I couldn't give you a gift, I thought … Maybe a surprise would be nice….’ Speechless Harry looked at the other man, the ball in his stomach dissipating like butterflies finally set free. ‘Thank you sir I really appreciate it.’
When Severus turned to look at Harry, the younger one offered him a bright teary smile that gave him a weird kind of chill. And made him even more embarrassed if it was possible.
With a snap of his finger Dobby made a big creamy cake appear on the low table. ‘Miss Ganger and Miss Weasley had spent a lot of time making it. Miss Weasley says that it’s her gift for you sir.’ In ‘ow’ Harry looked at the cake with a happy blush on his face. His attention entirely taken by the cake, Harry hadn’t seen Snape pulling out his wand to lighten the candles and create tiny fireworks around the cake. He felt his chest warm up amazingly to the sight of his cake.
‘It’s so much better than any cake Dudley could dream about.’ He says, unable to stop the emotion that shows in his voice. He never got to have a proper cake for his birthday, even having it wished by people was practically impossible. This past few years he had been given gifts for once. And he was grateful, really. But to be honest, having gifts wasn’t what he wanted on his birthday.
He wanted affection.
He blew out his candles, a single tear rolling down his cheek, the colorful lightning resting lovingly on the salty drop.
OoO
Turns out Snape had called out Dobby after one of his showers to organize this whole surprise for him. As Dobby had told him, the man had come up with a plan to not put them or anyone in danger by simply telling Albus who would inform everyone and ask to pass out every gift to him. They couldn’t let anyone know that Dobby was linked to this place nor with whom Harry was staying. But even with that, everyone, Voldemort included, knew that Albus was protecting them. And since Albus was untouchable, it was a pretty safe and simple plan.
Then during a meeting Dumbledore had informed everyone of the surprise. Without actually mentioning it was one since nobody had to know Harry wasn’t alone. When Snape had talked about it to Dobby for the first time he had asked the elf to prepare himself the cake for Harry. But since the girls had decided to make it themself, Dobby only had to take everything in Dumbeldore’s office and flew when it was the time.
Unfortunately the little elfe couldn't stay for long and only stayed with them to enjoy the cake. Before departing Dobby gave Harry his gift, his big round eyes even more bright than his cake earlier.
Even if Harry had only shed one tear, the young man never felt so emotionally overwhelmed. Positively at least. And the one causing all those emotions was really not the one Harry could have thought of.
Dobby had given him a colorful christmas pair of socks. ‘It is Dobby’s favorite.’ The elfe told him, blushing with excitement. Giggling Harry thanks him warmly. They both look at each other with those smiles that manage to spread to Severus' own face.
In a soundfull pop Dobby finally leaves in a last rain of glowing confettis.
‘Wouah Dobby was really on fire was he not?’ The younger one says blush of happiness never leaving his cheeks. ‘Well it’s not every day that he can celebrate your birthday with you.’ Harry giggled again, placing the new comfy socks in his clothes compartment. ‘I guess so, yes.’ Coming back to sit on his spot he turned his face to Snape. ‘Thank you by the way.’
His smile was way too bright for Severus. ‘There is no need to.’ Harry grows even more fond of the man. ‘It was your idea to let him stay as much as he could, right? I know him, he wouldn’t have stayed to eat a cake if any of us hadn’t asked him.’ Snape kept his gaze on him before signing loudly, obviously holding a smile. ‘Yes, I thought that since Dobby was your friend and he was the only person capable of coming in here, there wasn’t any reason for him to leave.’
The man was showing his thoughtful side, since their ‘talk’, it was more and more often. Even if every time Snape seems embarrassed and unsure to death, he still manages to do it anyway. It wasn’t something that the man had said ‘by the way Potter I’m very stressed and uncertain if you like the thought?’ The man would never say anything like that. But Harry could understand by just looking at his eyes.
And now the whole day finally made sense to Harry.
‘Thank you professor.’
OoO
The days passed calm and soundless. Both men talked about lots of things, giving each other opinions and knowledge. But weirdly whenever it was about personal feelings or the past of their relationship, both seem to want to avoid the subject.
After Harry’s epiphany on his newly positive feelings on the other man, the savior decided to think thoroughly about it. Because if Harry started to like Snape only because he needed an adult around him to be kinda ‘father like’ only because Sirius was gone and Snape was the only adult around him right now. Well it wasn’t fair for the man. It wasn’t anything healthy either. So Harry needed to clear up his mind. So he had to write and write letters after letters to Sirius, even sometimes his parents. And tried his best to have a better hold on his feelings.
And during some afternoon Harry starts doing his homeworks. It was more than time to do those afterall.
Coming out of the shower Severus looked above Harry’s shoulders while drying his hair in his towel. The younger one sighs as he leans on the working chair chewing his muggle pen in wonder. ‘Why are you uncertain like that, it’s good.’ Snape says head pointing at the charms work. ‘Because something is wrong with my method, I've got the right answer, yes, but look.’ He says as he gives the man another piece of parchment. ‘Hermione explained it to me thousands of times already and I just can’t use it properly.’ Harry had given him an old but similar exercise made at the time with Hermione. Severus could see all the little notes given by his friend.
‘Her method is way too complicated and leads to many mistakes and uncertainties.’ Harry looked at him doubtful. ‘Excuse me what did you just say?’ Was he saying that Hermione Jane Granger was WRONG. ‘Yours on the other hand is way better.’ He continues his eyes on Harry's work. ‘You're making fun of me aren’t you?’ And it seemed to make the man laugh ‘I am not. Miss Granger is, yes, very smart, but she is not always right. She tends to make everything overly complicated.’ He then leaned to get closer to the younger man by bending his back. His hair still wet, and the smell of their shared shampoo filling in the air between them gave Harry a feeling of a wave crashing through his body. He should not watch him that way. ‘And you are not incapable Harry.’ He smiled faintly and gave him a flick on his forehead.
’Ouch…’ Harry exclaims softly, a hand on his forehead only giving the man a soft chuckle as the other man finally gets his back straight again. ‘I have a hard time believing you though. Maybe you’re the one wrong here.’ Charming his towel to go back in the bathroom Severus looked at him with a quirk eyebrow. ‘Well I might, but I doubt that, I got excellent in my charms’ NEWTS afterall.’
With a surprise look Harry crossed his legs on the working chair. ‘Where did you not get excellent in your NEWTS honestly?’ With all their discussions, the man had falsely bragged on his quite perfect NEWTS and exams in general. Harry knew the man had been an academic genius but weirdly enough, Harry couldn’t imagine Snape being Happy as a student. Probably because of this forbidden scene still hanging in his mind. ‘Well I did get an E in divination’. Harry chuckles at that, loving the idea of a young Snape sitting in Trelawney’s class the teenager probably bored to the end. ‘Why on earth did you take Divination anyway?’ He was surprised by that, even though the image was hilarious, it didn’t really go with Snape. ‘… I got dragged by a friend…’
Not really noticing the sudden discomfort in his teacher Harry starts to laugh as a new scene creates itself in his mind. Harry could see oh so clearly Severus being exactly like Hermione in this class. Totally and utterly dumbfounded and desperate.
And as the younger one was falling himself into an amazing laughter, Severus felt the sadness of his memory fade as quick as they come. Just like that, with only a laugh from Harry his mind got clear again.
Has it ever happened before.
‘How did you manage that though? What’s your secret for so many good grades?’ Severus let out a laughing smile before Harry's cheeky one. ’Dedication mister Potter !!’ His dramatic passionate tone made Harry laugh again. ‘AH !!!! Bullshit.’
They kept looking at each other chuckling here and there. But at some point Harry’s smile faded a bit. ‘I didn’t mind you know.’ He knew very well that he probably blush furiously and really he wasn’t even sure if it was a good idea to say that. ‘What are you talking about?’ The other man asked, confused. ‘You… calling me ‘Harry’.’
And then only silence.
Deep, painfull, silence.
Snape’ brows furrow and Harry’s embarrassment came to punch the ceiling through his head. Or maybe was it his head smashing against the wall, ordered by his embarrassment?
‘I mean, only if you’d like!! Don’t feel forced to, it’s just that after all those weeks it wouldn’t be that weird would it?! You know what, forget it!! You just call me by my family name and I … It was silly of me, forget it sir!!!.’
Oh dear, he wants to hide even deeper in the earth. He wanted to go and melt in the overly hot mess of the earth's heart. Just to disappear into the rock. No concious anymore, no brain, no memory and only then, no need to feel embarrassed for dumb shit he had said.
‘Since we’re only the two of us here…. I guess I wouldn’t mind either….’
After some awkward nods to each other, Harry managed to go and hide in the bathroom pretending to go take a shower even though he already took it.
And as he sat in front of the closed door of the bathroom, Harry understood his epiphany now he understood his feelings for the man.
He didn’t like him in a father figure kind of way.
It was way worse than that.
It was romantic.
