Touch
Ok.
So.
Harry was, probably, in love with his teacher.
So what?
Yes Harry had spent day and night thinking about those feelings of his, but what for? Being clear and honest with himself? Great, amazing, even. Being aware of yourself and knowing what feelings you were dealing with is a healthy thing.
But other than that, it was pretty useless to have that epiphany. Because what was Harry supposed to do? Confessed his love to his teacher in a stuttering gryffindor mess? No, the man would probably hexe him on the spot ending his life once and for all.
Act on it and try to court him? Same outcome no doubt. And how was he supposed to charm Severus damn Snape?? Was it even possible? It was hard enough to imagine him in bed with anyone else so trying to court him?
So no, knowing he was, PROBABLY, in love with him was something that will probably stay in his head forever, and if it could rot there it would be very appreciated. He’ll stay silent on those feelings and let them fade. It won’t be easy since he was still living with the man and each passing day was just new, cute, adorable, cool, interesting, facts he discovered about him.
But it will fade eventually, when Harry will have too much to think about with school, war, friends and stuff. Snape wouldn’t be in the center of his thoughts. He wouldn’t be the only voice he hears every day.
For now Harry just had to fight his… ‘impulses’. It wasn’t that strong anyway. It was only some words about to come out here and there, nothing too hard to control.
Ooo three days after the epiphany ooO
Forget it.
It wasn’t easy AT ALL to control.
How could it be that now that Harry was aware of his messed up brain chemistry, everything about Severus had become overwhelming? Every little thing that Harry could notice, some habits, reactions, or just the way the man attached his hair when tired. It was literally setting a fire in Harry's skull.
It was starting to get ridiculous. To a point in which Harry sometimes coughs himself staring lovingly at the man, little hearts blooming in his stomach. Really ? What kind of joke was that? One month ago Harry couldn’t stand the man!! And now here he was fantasizing about odd features of Severus’s face and finding them adorable.
Thank goodness, Snape didn’t use occlumency on him or else Harry would be dead by now. Hexed to the very core. Snape would probably go straight to the bathroom to bleach his eyes and ears with pure acid. Really, Harry couldn't blame him. Because if he hears what was going on in there, Harry would probably die of mortification. And if neither Snape or his own embarrassment would not be the end of him, he would definitely crawl to Tom begging him to finish his damn job.
Sometimes a voice in his head would whisper silly things to him. ‘Well maybe he’d respond to your feelings you’ll never know.’ And Harry wanted to choke that voice to whatever death this thing could sefer.
Respond to his feelings?? HAHAHAHA that was hilarious, painful and hilarious by how impossible it was. ‘Don’t forget I have the face of his bully.’
Whenever Harry remembers those forbidden memories he once saw in Snape pensive, it hurts. Now, more than ever.
Because insulting his parents and their friends was one thing. But seeing those accusations with your own eyes was different. They were dead for years now, Harry remembered their face only thanks to the mirror of Erised, how could Harry know about what they might have been. It was Harry's own decision to believe the insult people like the Dursleys spat at their dead face, but when it was literally in front of your nose it wasn’t possible to deny it.
Harry could find any kind of excuses for them, maybe Snape was an absolute jerk and the marauders have had enough. Maybe that was it?
But humiliate him like that in front of all those people? Alone against 4? No, that was wrong. And the smiles they had on their faces, they were enjoying it. And even if Harry loved his dad, Sirius and Remus, he still felt disgusted.
Anyway this all train of thoughts wasn’t helping him one bit with his current crisis.
Right now Harry was laying on his bed like a dead fish, his curtains wide open. It was quite rare for him to close them these days. Even during the night. Who would have thought Harry would feel so safe with Snape around?
His hands resting on his belly Harry was playing with magic lighting balls close to the ceiling. In all the books the elves brought back from Severus' place, Harry had found unexpected interest in silly, quite useless spells. Weirdly enough there were plenty of those books in his bookshelf. And Harry had found one particular spell, again useless, but very cool. Now he could change, his little lightning ball, to whatever shape he could think of. How cool was that?! He was now able to create little soundless theater plays with lightning figures. It felt like using futurist muggle technologies but also being an old fashion wizard coming from a fantasy game.
Turning on his belly to take a look at his teacher sitting on the edge of his bed book in hand, Harry smiled at one of his favorite little lightning figures. ‘Look Severus.’ Looking up Severus got viciously attacked by the untouchable lightning creature. Harry gave a chuckle when Snape jumped, a bit surprised, the little thing resting lazingly on his head. ‘Oh! I see that you have read my books.’ Harry gave a little flick in the air and his spell got down from the older man’s head to start dancing on top of his cupped hands. ‘Quite well done I gotta admit.’
Silly dance continues before the little thing starts to ‘plant’ something invisible on Severus’ hand and some short seconds after a beautiful red and green lightning flower bloom in front of him. ‘I want to give it a name, do you have an idea?’ Harry asks, making it float happily around the flower. ‘…Lumy…’ giving it a thought, Harry glanced at it. ‘Yeah, I like it. Here goes lumy!!’ Some little fireworks appeared all around a very moved and… crying ?, Lumy.
‘You are quite good at this.’ Snape says turning so he could look at Harry without twisting his neck painfully as Lumy floated back on Harry’ head like an airy jellyfish. ‘You think so? I’m just bored really.’ Harry said, changing Lumy’s color to a bright red. The room was quite dark and with Snape’s dark stare on him, the younger one felt himself blush. So red it is. ‘Give me the book.’ Severus finally broke the silence, lifting his hand to receive it. And Harry handed to him all attention on the man leaving the little creature in ‘automatic mode’.
A silence took place between the two, Severus wanted to try that spell apparently. Moving his hands and wand, the book on his laps, the man started chanting the incantation out of rhythm. He was only trying to pronounce it correctly. Seeing the man's creating an unmoving bubble of light in the air Harry didn’t say anything as after some practice Snape finally tried to cast it for real.
But nothing happened.
And Harry watches him trying to cast it several times unsuccessfully before letting out a laugh. ‘Making fun of me now Harry?!!’ Trying one more time Severus cursed frustrated to his still unmoving lighting ball. ‘Fuck !! What is wrong with those damn shitty instructions?’ Harry laughs quietly again. ‘Want some help?’ Severus looked up to the smiling teen. ‘I’m sure you’re feeling clever right now, are you ?’ Smiling even wider before the icy tone Severus gave him, Harry magically held the book straight as Lumy stood before it like a teacher in front of his white board. ‘See there?’ Lumy point at what Harry meant ‘In the incantation? You pronunciate it ‘mon’ like in ‘monday’, but this incantation is japanese, you need to detach the ‘N’ and make it more nasale. And the ‘O’ is deeper too. Like that mon. There is a little pronunciation guide at the end.’
And Severus tried again following the little guide at the end and following Lumy little prononciation mouvement.
But failed miserably again.
‘Fucking ….HEll!! I feel like an idiot ! This book is rubbish!! You just had luck !!’
Laughing embarrassed at the man’s anger, Harry let magically go of the book and started scratching the man’s head. ‘There there Severus, I’m sure if you calm down you’ll be able… to …cast …it.’ It’s only when the room fell to a deep silence that Harry understood what he had done.
Retracting his hands to cross them on his back in a panic, Harry didn’t notice Lumy getting red again. ‘I’m Sorry Sir !!!! I don’t know what got into me!!’ feeling as hot as an erupting Volcano, Harry only had silence as a response. Slowly Lumy became white again, Harry's panic calming down at the same time. And even if Snape only showed the younger one the top of his head, he still saw the red on the man’s ears.
‘Do you like it, Severus?’
The man flinched and turned to Harry .’WHat ?! NoOo!! You step In MY boUNdaRIes!! What mAkes yOU thiNK THat?! ThIS Is aNGer you’RE seEIng rigHT now!!’
Lumy stayed very white, illuminating the older man’s very red face. A little cheeky smile came back on Harry’s face as his right hand came back down giving a little scratch behind Severus head.
And even embarrassed to death judging by his clenched hands the man didn’t say, or do, anything to stop the younger one’ caress.
With each new finger passing between Severus’s hair, tenderly massaging his skull, he relaxes. His breathing slowed down almost not to be noticed, his eyes closed and head dropping to give Harry better access.
He liked it, loved it even. Who was the last person who had done this to him? Who knew he liked being pet?
Harry’s own hand got fuming hot, his heart melting at the sight in front of him. Sometimes Severus would tilt his head for some more pet behind the ears.
His hands pressured slowly and lovingly along his neck and getting beneath his collar to have a taste of his back. The sound of Severus‘ content sighs managed to bring a whole new fire in Harry’s belly, so he gave the same caress again, not leaving a second the naked skin he had just exposed, from his sight.
God, Harry was hard, but for now only his mattress knew about it. Enjoying the amazing feeling of pleasuring Severus, he continued scratching his head without worrying about the time and it’s only when the man seems to be back to his senses and has had enough, that he gets his hand back underneath his chin.
‘I’ve found your off button.’ Severus looked at him, seeming to be just awake from a very good nap, and sighs giving Harry a flick on the forehead. ‘Don’t make it a habit… I’ve got an image to sustain.’ Harry only scoffs at this poor defense.
While Harry was struggling with his feelings and ‘urges’ about Severus, the man didn’t notice anything. Not that Severus was an idiot who wasn’t able to see things like that. He was actually very good at noticing whenever a student had any crush on one of his peers.
Though when it was about himself… Severus Snape was way more oblivious. How on earth could anyone be interested in him? It wasn’t new that the potion master of Hogwarts had a pretty bad opinion on himself. So when Harry was staring lovingly at him for several minutes, even though Severus noticed the attention. He just assumed Harry was lost in his thoughts without actually looking at him in particular.
So yeah, Harry could be as obvious in his intentions and careless in his actions, Severus would always find a non romantic explanation.
On the other hand, he wasn’t that oblivious to his own feelings. In his position in the war he had to work a lot with them in order to be able to control them. And his mother had always valued his feelings and encouraged him to share them with her. And to this day he still voices them in his head. That was his way as an introvert to deal with his feelings.
Of course when he wasn’t purposely lying to himself. He was aware of himself, but also very stubborn.
And right now he knew very well how he was feeling. Now that the pain in his arm wasn’t bothering him much any longer, no more parasite thoughts were ‘blocking’ him from acknowledging the situation.
He was growing fond of Harry.
He kind of always felt the change. And if he was honest he expected it. Because as much as he hated him he knew that the moment something changed he could very much like the kid. Harry was smart, funny and very reliable.
And with all the talk they had this past month Severus had no longer any reason to loathe him, he didn’t need to lie to himself anymore. And with Harry who seems to like him somehow or at least tolerate him. He was spending a lot of good time with him. So naturally he had grown fond of the kid.
Albus would be thrilled, he, who always wants them to get along. They were getting along, pretty well actually. And it felt quite natural but also soo odd at the same time.
Being locked up in the place just the two of them, no one capable of knowing what the hell was happening between the two of them. Severus felt incapable of taking a step back on the situation. He was afraid of getting out of line in the excitement and ending up bringing back Harry’s hate for him.
But how could he slow down? All this was like being dragged along in a quiet yet too fast river. It felt too good to paddle in those water that he barely thought of getting out.
He wasn’t mindful enough while talking, and he feared that someday, the wrong word came out, ending this tiny bit of a friendship he had with Harry.
He was fond of him.
Enough to be afraid of losing him.
His parents must be turning in their graves. Potter probably yelling to his deaf ear to ‘get the fuck away from my son!’. Black probably not very far spatting how he didn’t deserve his, oh so perfect, god son’s friendship. And his mother… Severus prefers not to think of the disappointment she would have felt.
And they were probably right… But Severus was definitely not strong enough to hide behind his bitchy play and abandon this.
He had to cherish these times alone, the moment this safe room ended the boy would go back to his real friends and probably barely talk to him anymore.
‘Are you alright? You’ve been dazing out a lot lately.’ Dragged out of his thoughts Severus looked up to give an attentive look at Harry. ‘Hm? Yeah, no, it’s fine I’m just thinking a lot.’ Harry, his fork full of potato stew in hand, gave a little chuckle. ‘That, I could tell. Is something bothering you?’ Pensively Severus started to sort out his vegetable signing deeply. ‘Yes and no I guess. I’m just wondering what is going to happen when this safe room ends.’ Severus didn’t like carrots and even if the man forced himself to eat them most of the time, he was just not in the mood today.
Shutting down his selfish thoughts Harry answered him. ‘I don’t know, now that your cover is destroyed I guess that you’ll have more missions from the order. Though I think Dumbledore won’t make you go out a lot since you’re a pretty flashy target.’
As one was a bit disappointed that the other brought up the war and not their relationship. The other tried his best not to speak of their relationship, certain the one could’ve never, ever, meant their relationship.
Anyone who could see this situation with both points of view, would feel pity for those two pushovers.
The silence around them, Severus continues eating his curry deep in thoughts, only the sound of cuttery and chewing filling the place.
And after some long, peaceful minutes fixing his plate, Severus heard Harry clear his throat weirdly. His brow quirk and mouth still full of curry, he looked up only to choke himself, almost to death, to the view in front of him.
‘*cough* What !!*cough* the fuck!!*cough cough* What in Merlin’s name are you doing!!*cough* *cough cough*’ fetching out the tissue, a 80 year old or so, Harry james Potter was handing him, Severus tried to calm down his choking as dignified as he could. But really, choking on rice wasn’t nice at all!!
And with how Harry’s, full of wrinkles, face was twitching with hilarity, the ‘boy’ must have found his reaction hilarious. ‘I’ve found a new spell in your books and I want to test it out.’ The cheeky smile he was wearing only confirmed to Severus that, whenever Harry had found this silly spell, the first thing that came to his mind was to prank him. ‘My heart wasn’t ready for this. *cough*’ Harry laughs a bit, grabbing his wand to undo his spell going back to his usual 16 years old self. ‘Your reaction was just worth the hours I spent learning it.’
Taking a long sip of water, Severus made his plate magicly go to the wardrobe before letting out a fake dramatical laugh. ‘Ha ha ha. You brat…’ Harry knew very well the man didn’t mean it. There was way too much sweetness in his voice.
‘Isn’t it cool though?!’ Harry said, turning to just a few years older version of himself this time. Probably 25 if Severus had to tell. ‘I guess… But I can’t see whenever you could use it.’ Harry let out a new laugh in this new appearance. Giving to Severus a weird unexpected twist in his stomach.
The way his beard moved with his mouth, how his eyes curl with his smile, Severus didn’t know how he felt about that. Only that Harry looked quite … pretty?
‘The fact that it’s useless makes it even more amazing.’ Leaning back as he supports himself with his hands, Harry sighs. ‘Looking like that, nobody can say that I’m a child anymore.’
Harry hated being taken for a child. The ‘boy’ never really voiced it, but Severus always had noticed. Because when they called him a child, the savior felt like they ignored, or just forgot, what he had to go through.
Wasn’t that how people grow up? With experiences and knowledge? Why would they put boundaries on things Harry was fully aware of? It just sounds like they were taking him for an idiot.
He wasn’t pretending like he knew everything and was as wise as Dumbledore. He would never lie like that. But he still felt quite more mature than most of his peers. The only fact that he was in the center of a damn war had to make him mature a bit wasn’t it?
And even without taking a look at his past or mental state, Harry was quite close to being an adult now. He didn’t have ‘parents’ or ‘guardians’ to take care of him anymore. The Dursleys were dead, now he’ll have to find a place to stay outside of school. Probably had to live alone and by that won’t live like a child anymore. If he ever did.
‘Your appearance doesn’t show any childishness with this spell, even your normal body doesn’t anymore. But I’m sure that you want to be a child sometimes?’ Harry stared at his teacher dumbfounded. ‘Were you ever able to act your age?’ He asked, his tea being prepared quietly by his magic. ‘… I guess…not… but it doesn’t mean I want to be seen as a child.’ The man in front of him took a sip of his tea. ‘I never said anything like that. I see when you stop yourself from acting spoiled or just asking for anything. Just like that one time when you couldn’t go to hogsmeade because of the Dursleys. Or when you were waiting impatiently to be wished a Happy birthday. ‘ Sitting legs crossed again Harry went back to his usual self in a poof. Pensive as he looked at the floor, Harry thought of all these times he saw himself as selfish. Feeling out of place, too needy. He never had been a normal child, he knew that very well. But could he hope to be a normal man someday?
‘Severus…’ he looked up to him. ‘May I ask for a hug?’ Could he be a bit needy now? And as red spread on Harry’s cheeks, Severus' face grew a bit surprised before putting down his cup of tea, a warm smile on his face. ‘Come.’
The ruffle sound of Harry’s clothes as he goes around the low table. Never really standing up, the younger one fell onto his teacher’s chest. His arm hugging him tight, Harry buried his face in the man’s neck in a long content sigh.
It was probably wrong of him to use this situation and hide behind his childhood to go for something like this. Because yeah Harry had a very bad lack of affection of course, but it was not the reason why the teenager brushed his nose against his teacher’s throat.
But how could he not ask for this? The man had said yes, and was now tenderly brushing the younger one’s hair while holding his waist.
Both were seated on the floor, the light of the day falling down as the sun left on their fake window.
Harry could have stayed like this forever if the man would have let him. Totally unaware of Severus' internal turmoil. Snape felt so good with the young man in his arms, like Harry was supposed to fit against him. The confort, warmth and peace washed softly against him. His mind as well, was content, only one tiny voice remained worrying that something, anything, was about to break everything.
How could this man feel like this for just a hug, something had to be wrong. Severus didn’t have the right to be this happy, he never had the right.
But nothing broke the moment.
And they stayed in each other’s arms for something that felt like eternity. Their slow breaths, soft caresses, gently blush faces.
