Forth Deathly Hallow
Monday 10th July 1899
/AD/
The first thing I noticed in the early morning was my head. Yes, my head was the only thing I could care about right now, since the ache in it was increasing with every blink I made. I had to close my eyes again, relaxing back to the pillow with a hurtful whimper. Five seconds later, I tried again to open my eyes; despite the morning light in the room was not sharp at all, it could have been even comfortable, it was hurting my eyes so badly I could not keep them opened.
The second thing I perceived was my burning and hurtful ankle. As soon as I tried to move my leg to scratch myself on its place since it was not only burning but also itching, I notices a non-manageable ache, whimpering a way louder and taking a deep breath.
The third but not least thing was my stomach, which felt as having a fresh surgery and an enema. At the moment, I took the deep breath due to the ankle ache, I felt nauseous and had to do a lot to not to throw up, so my another breath was way more careful and slowed. By the Merlin, what the hell was happening?
I turned my head to the right, as I was lying on my back, and saw and empty yet messy place; I realised I am not in my room so far, but realising I’m deeply buried and snuggled in Gellert’s sheets and bed made me freak out and jump out of the bed that I had no time for the head and ankle ache, neither for throwing up.
And I was majorly undressed, only my white underpants, undershirt and socks reminded. My heart reached its maximum and I gulped.
I immediately grabbed the shirt from yesterday and was trying to turn it inside out, when I heard a creak on the stairs and was about to shout 'moment!' until there's a knock on the door, but I didn't get the chance. The door flew open, I was startled, I tripped over a stool by the divider and managed to knock it over and break something glassy behind it when I landed on it with all my weight. Before I even opened my eyes I sighed; my shirt hand was somewhere under the divider, the undershirt ripped on a piece of protruding wood and scraped my waist slightly. After a while I felt something wet under me and it quickly dawned on me that what had broken must have been a vase filled with water. I tried desperately to get up, but it was not easy with my limbs under the divider and my leg tangled in the stool. As I moved a second time, I felt a blow across my nose as two books fell on top of me. Then I didn't even try to open my eyes anymore, I just felt the swirling dust settling on me.
"If I were you, I'd better not move or you'll completely destroy my whole room." I couldn't tell in his voice if his remark was meant to be ironic or if he was genuinely annoyed at how incompetent I was. But when I managed to open one eye and saw his amused expression, I had to smile wryly.
"Leave it alone. Leave me, just pick me up..." Yes, I contradicted myself, but his snide and sarcastic remarks, which under other circumstances would drive me crazy, were just too soon and a very inappropriate situation. My ankle was on fire, my head was on fire and my stomach was spinning. I stared blankly in Gellert's direction.
"So will you pick me up?"
He shrugged his shoulders back and lazily leaned against the small bookcase behind him. "And do I have to? Besides, you told me to leave you alone. You know what, Albus? I just don't understand you..."
And I'm not familiar with you now, too. It was a joke? Was that sarcasm? Was he really mad? I sighed and with great effort and managed to at least sit up. But it made me feel sick and he probably saw that, because he immediately came to me, kneeled next to me and gripped me under my arms so I wouldn’t fall again.
“Carefully,” he added with the same amused smile and I had to do a lot to not to punch him in his face.
“Could you help me,” I tried again with clenched jaws, “to get up?” I was getting slightly angry again. What was the big deal?
But he just laughed over it; however this time he did not let me fall again. “That’s it? You are just asking me for help? No… magic word?”
I had to sigh, indeed. “Please,” I hissed out, giving him a warning look, trying to give him the last chance, but clearly it did not work.
And so I despaired, let him pierce me with his gaze, and with a crushed stare I leaned against him; under his shirt I could feel only skin, no undershirt or other material; he was just... almost naked.
"Thanks," I sputtered, and Gellert finally pulled me to my feet. However, I whimpered again in pain as my ankle clicked and I stumbled awkwardly. Of course he grabbed me again, now better and properly, he sat me back down on the bed I had so quickly shot out of and knelt down in front of me. He took my ankle in his lap, carefully running his fingers over it as if examining the number of broken bones. Then he looked up at me and reached for his wand.
"Al, do you trust me?" he asked stupidly and I, now smiling, nodded and tried to relax. I also felt a blush rising to my cheeks; that's what they only called me at home.
"Sure, but I could do the healing charm myself," I pointed out with a laugh and immediately regretted it; my head still hurt too.
"Well then," he smiled, conjuring a slightly more complex healing spell and I felt a cooling effect and immediate relief. I had to exhale heavily as my ankle stopped burning.
"Oh dear, thank you very much... Maybe something for the head, the stomach and generally for-" But I stopped at that. There was only one reason why I felt like this, why my whole body was on fire and I was shaking all over. Yesterday's ball and my current hangover, the second in my life, were to blame. And Gellert.
What happened between us yesterday... I haven't forgotten it. Even though I only remembered it in a gentle haze of romance, kisses and alcohol, I couldn't just erase it from my mind. It was still there, stabbing me in the head, and the image was constantly thrusting itself under my eyes; me, lying under him, desperately trying to remove his tie, and him, holding his elbow above me, kissing me with an amused smile. His hands roaming my body, caressing every bit of that white fabric, searching desperately and unsuccessfully for a patch of bare skin. My hands around his neck, sometimes buried in his golden locks, pressing him awkwardly together. And then, his tongue, oh my my, especially his tongue. I still got that warm delicious feeling in my mouth just thinking about it. How he runs gently over my teeth, steals my own saliva, exchanges it with his, bites my lip, my tongue and tries to suffocate me. All I thought about was him again.
And he was still kneeling on the ground, my ankle in his lap, one hand holding my foot and trying to move it and his other hand resting lightly under my knee, securing my leg. And I had no pants, just my underwear with an undershirt. And yes, I just realized that.
"...for?" he finished for me but didn't let go of my leg. I was getting desperate; this was not normal. Something was seriously wrong here, and at least one of us should be aware of it. Why couldn't it be him?
"I'm sorry," I blurted out and pulled myself completely away from him, changing the theme. I did not want to finish the sentence; I should have never even start those words. He looked a bit confused, but probably saw I do not want to talk about it. I swung my legs over the bed, climbed over to the other side, where I took my shirt and pants again and clumsily slipped into my clothes. I felt his gaze stabbing somewhere in my back. I was hoping for the back.
Before I even turned around, I tried to put on a sincere smile, as if nothing had happened, as if everything was perfectly fine. As if I didn't blame myself for yesterday. However, I blamed myself, and a lot.
***
Maybe it just seemed that way to me, maybe it really was, but for the rest of the day we just treated each other differently. And not in the way I expected; he wasn't angry with me, he didn't throw insulted or condescending looks at me that would indicate he had his own opinion of me. He didn't even try to start that awkward conversation with me about yesterday (which I might have been grateful for) and he didn't force me to explain anything.
He was looking at me as he did yesterday on that sofa. He gave me the same look and I gave him the same look I gave him when I was watching him change his clothes. So I tried to avoid his gaze and was quite successful as our day was just like any other and I tried (as best I could with the hangover) to focus on the Deathly Hallows. Engrossed in books, studying deeply and devoting myself to interesting articles, I managed to forget about our awkward atmosphere.
There was nothing much to say, it was just our glances with fleeting smiles, sometimes murmuring lips, sometimes closer to my ear, sometimes so far that I had to do something to understand him. I mean to catch the words coming out of his mouth. I couldn't understand him and I was starting to have a sick feeling that I was losing him. That the longer we are together, the closer the end, a kind of destruction of our little world of research that I didn't want to lose. I didn't want to be hit with the ugly reality of having to focus on responsibilities to my own siblings, looking for a job, mourning the fact that I never achieved my dream and now living without him. I don't think I could do it. Hah, what a miserable ten days. What can be learned in just ten days, what can be grasped, what can be attached to... Will it work like astronomy? I then use multiplication to find out how long it would take to separate from him? How long would it take to get used to life without him? And how long will it be before he leaves after the holidays like Bathilda said?
And what is my variable? Is it my love for him or his for me? Or is it love as such translated into equations and arithmetic problems? If I multiply the number of days by a variable, will I get a number that will then increase directly proportionally every other day? Or should I add up the number of days with the variable and then multiply the result by situations? Do I need to make a scale and graph to figure out which fact is equal to three and which is a million? Do I then have to add each of them, put them in a quadratic equation or multiply by the third equivalent?
"...then it was never found out once again, dear Albus." His voice snapped me out of my calculations, which by now were approaching twenty hundred to the second, and I looked at him startled. He stood directly behind me, his spidery hands clutching a huge book. He snapped it right in front of my face, kicking up dust all around me. He was so close again... No. No, I can't afford it. I put on a friendly smile and took a step back so his shirt sleeve wouldn't touch me either.
"Once again?" I asked, admitting I wasn't listening. However, Gellert didn't seem fazed. He just shrugged, tossing the book to the ground, then dropped books lined up on the edge of the table and sat there instead. I just moaned softly at the damage.
"It was nothing. As I said, it was never found out," he smiled and tried in vain to pull me closer. I took another step back, now kneeling on the ground, picking up the scraps of those books. I heard him smirks.
“Alright,” I got up with books in my hands, smiling briefly and trying to forget the whole situation. For some unknown reason, I just felt embarrassed; for what happened yesterday, for this conversation, even because of our looks and eye contacts. Just for everything. It felt so wrong yet I couldn’t help myself to feel free and independent with him.
“Alright,” he added too, trying to catch my sleeve as I passed around him, now folding books to shelves. I won’t let him to touch me. It was enough and I was confused. I stepped back a bit more and folded those books to shelves. Then, with a light movement I dried my sweaty forehead and turned to Gellert with a light faked smile.
“I feel like I should go home. I think I need… To get some sleep. Besides, I still have some of those books from you, and I should study them into depth. Shall I-“
“It is alright,” he interrupted me, jumped down from the table and walked towards me. With a wave of his hand, he removed hair from my face and lifted up my chin, yet his hand did not stay there. “You do look tired, Albus. I will walk you home. It is pointless to continue, it is useless to be here today. It could be a messy catastrophe.”
I had a zero clue what his metaphor was supposed to mean, so I simply raised my brow with a slight shrug and tried for more friendly like smile. “Yeah. I am tired. Besides, my ankle and head still kind of hurt. Thank you, but I would like to… Take a lonely walk.”
He frowned and bit his lip, leaning against the wall next to me, making it impossible for me to leave as his elbow was blocking the door. “A lonely walk?” He repeated. “A… Lonely walk?! What the hell is that?!” Gellert shook his head, coming closer to me, grabbing me by my shoulder. I don’t know why, but all I wanted now was to change to my Gryffindor jumper and curl up with a book nearby my window. He made me to look up into his eyes.
“I just-“
“Albus, what is going on? I get it, you are tired and got drunk – but why are you acting so… Distant?”
“Distant? I didn’t know it seems that way,” I lied and shrugged, pretending I have no idea what is he talking about. However, Gellert saw through this barrier.¨
“Listen, it is okay you feel… Ashamed. It was kind of your first proper kiss, and now you think it was not perfect and you want to bury yourself deep to the ground because you worry what I will think about you; that you’re a virgin inexperienced boy who had never even a month lasting relationship. That you are a bookish genius who is not able to properly kiss anyone. That you are too shy, too unpretty, too uninteresting, too boring and blah blah blah, I have no idea what else you think of yourself. But I assure you, I do not think that. That you see yourself in a bad way and you hardly ever look into yourself to the mirror doesn’t mean everyone see you that way. I don’t, for example, and I think that means a lot, doesn’t it?”
It could feel different, if he didn’t shout it at me while angrily holding my shoulder and if he didn’t press me against the wall in the middle of his speech. It could be romantic, if he wasn’t rude and angry with me. I was shocked by his words; it felt like if my own heart spoke against my own brain; the evident with the hidden. I gulped, feeling a warm blood in my cheeks; but I was scared at the moment, not embarrassed. “Thank you-,” I mumbled as a response, so far realising it was a dumb thing to say. Gellert bit his lip and I felt his hand relaxing around my neck.
“You better go,” he said shortly, not looking to my eyes anymore. “It is going to be dark outside soon, and I am not here to chase you in the night on the graveyard or generally, I am not here to freaking chase you at all. Go.”
***
Despite my shaky hands and ache in the ankle, I managed to return home safely. I had no energy to check on my siblings; I crawled up to my bed, changing to my Gryffindor jumper and woollen socks, preparing some books next to me. However, even a simple gaze on them gave me anxiety and nausea. All I wanted was to forget about Deathly Hallows. All I wanted at the moment was to sleep, curls up in my bed and… Have someone who actually cares for me nearby. I felt sick, out of myself and… Him. I wanted to forget him. Every moment we had, every touch we shared, everything.
I fell asleep having a nightmare that night.
***
Thursday 13th July 1899
/GG/
I considered our relationship, whether it was only a friendship or not, as stable. I gave Albus a break, maybe he need that. Maybe he was not use to mess around with his friends. Perhaps…
But let’s stop thinking about feelings. That’s not important right now.
Those two days without Albus were different and in some points ever hard; it took me four hours of paper work instead of one, I had to research for a few spells I was sure Albus knew and when I had everything prepared for my little terrain research, I realised I miss one thing – Albus himself.
I had not his brain, his logic and intelligence. I did not know much about the surrounding here in England, and that was the main thing I needed for my trip.
However, I was also pissed off. And that meant far more than being alone. I had to risk it.
My original plan was to use a locator spell to go to where the invisibility cloak should be; but then I reassessed my priorities when I was wondering about the wand last night. Not only did it seem easier for me to get her; but maybe with her help it would be easier to get the other two Deathly Hallows.
So the next night I decided to leave Godric's Hollow for a few days and do some fieldwork on my own. I took almost nothing that I did not consider truly necessary; a wand, two pockets with an undetectable magnification charm in my travel coat, a cape, and a deathly hallows symbol that formed a portkey when used correctly. I located it over the hill here so as not to draw potential danger right into Bathilda's house. There was rarely anyone on the hill, so it was possible for me to bury someone there, safely and easily.
But I still needed one thing. A few hours later, maybe around ten in the evening, when I was sure that Bathilda was asleep, I quietly crept out of the house and apparated. I haven't felt this much freedom in a long time.
Northland, Summer 1988, Durmstrang
10:48 PM, 6˚C
I overheard an argument, probably taking place in the school's only courtyard. I took a few steps from behind the wall I appeared behind; relocation was quite possible here if you knew the exact "address" of the school and its grounds. But it was impossible to move from here. I smiled; the symbolism of the prison here was more than clear. Getting in is so easy, but getting out?
“Ich sage Ihnen, ich habe ihn hier weggehen sehen. Hier entlang, diese Gasse runter...”
“Ilia, lüg nicht! Oswald war mit mir essen, er wollte nicht einfach gehen...”
“Ich lüge dich nicht an! Schlag mich nicht! Bitte! B-Bitte!”
I peeked around the corner; one older and younger students had a spat. Someone was probably trying to leave this horrible place and ran away. Or at least he tried to.
I bit my lip; I needed to get in, that was my first plan. I was here to take away something that I had allowed myself to appropriate and I was sure that no one here needed it. But I had to make sure no one saw me. Or that no one who sees me should live.
I quietly managed to make my way past the arguing students to a side door leading to a plain huge hallway. I was wearing my school uniform so as not to attract attention. Through the corridor I reached the center of the castle; I was about to step confidently and contentedly towards the entrance to the cellar when I heard footsteps and voices. Soft, girlish voices, whispering something to each other. Unfortunately for me, the girls stopped and sat by the stairs I needed to get over. I cursed; unsuspecting or dead. Without exceptions.
“Englisch? Deutsch? Norwegisch?”
I stepped out from around the corner and looked cautiously at the girls; both of them first looked at each other, then at me, then they smiled and confusedly mumbled: "Easy in English... I'm originally Norwegian, my name is Hanne. This is Elisa, she can also speak German..."
"Excellent," I smiled and came a little closer, head tilted, eyeing them warily. "I need advice on something-"
"I feel like I've seen you here before," Elisa smiled at me. I cursed inwardly, but outwardly just raised an eyebrow.
"Who knows? Maybe so?"
Hanne laughed. "So Mr. Mysterious, please... What do you need?"
"Getting to the basement," I said simply, pointing to the door behind them. Both raised their eyebrows.
"To the cellar?" Elisa wondered.
"You can't go there," added Hanne.
"I know," I winked at them and shrugged. "But I really need to go there. Besides, I've been there before. Several times. Do you know what it looks like there?"
"N-no...?" both bit their lips.
"And you don't care at all? You live here, and you don't care what's underneath you all the time...?" I tried a cryptic tone. It worked.
"I- I don't know, I never got there... We tried once-"
"Shh, Elisa! You mustn't-"
"But come on, Mr. Mysterious doesn't seem like he's going to tell anyone. Come on. Maybe he'd get us there. Then we could throw Andrea to that dragon..."
"What dragon?" I raised an eyebrow. Elisa blushed.
"Isn't he there? The dragon? They say he is..."
I drew my wand, motioned for them to step aside, and stood directly in front of the door to the basement corridor. I examined them for a while, then knocked on them in several places and finally tapped the lock with my wand. I didn't say the spell out loud. I turned around when the door opened a little.
"There's something worse than a dragon. Who do you want to throw in there?"
It didn't take long to get rid of one of the girls. I liked Elisa a little less; I led them both down to the basement, turned off the light and cast a silencing charm on them both. I wanted to save myself the yelling, even though under normal circumstances I wouldn't have minded. The killing curse hit her right in the chest, but I rather enjoyed watching Hanna's pupils dilate. She looked scared. Her rosy skin glistened as I lit the room. She tried to run away, but I tripped her legs with a wave of my wand and she fell, hit her head, and now sat down crying. Her hands were tied.
"Shhh, you don't have to worry. It's nothing. Life after death is more beautiful. It's better than anything you'll experience here, Trust me. And you won't die in vain, unlike her. I promise…" Hanne continued to cry. She looked at me horrified, unable to scream or fight. She looked so helpless, like a lamb being led to the slaughter. I stroked her face with my index finger, she tried to dodge. I lifted her chin and looked into her eyes.
"Too bad you're not perfect. Too bad you're not smart and perfect and beautiful and useful. Too bad you don't like me. Life would be easier, you know... You remind me of him, but that would offend him. I can't afford that, and you lack enough to be in his place... No. You must die. For the greater good.
I took what I needed. A few books of black magic, said to be from another world. As soon as I reached them, I gasped in amazement. A shelf of forbidden items, with things so dark and containing so much magic that it would be best if they were banished from the world. But I wouldn't allow that.
I needed pureblood to open them, and that wasn't a problem under the circumstances, since I had an entire living pureblood within my reach. First, I cut Hanna's left wrist and let her bleed into a bucket. She soon passed out.
I managed to open the books; I couldn't wait to explore them all and make my spells that much more effective. I was about to leave, but something kept catching my attention. It was behind me, on the forbidden shelf, standing right there in the middle…
I turned around, feeling the thing staring at me and… it needed me. It's been waiting here too long, it's lonely...
One step forward. It's calling me, crying...
The second, third step in that direction, all my books fell out and fell next to each other.
One more, one single step and - ! It wasn't too long before I realized that I was standing over a precipice. I'm standing on the last inch of dirt. The thing was far behind the shelf and I didn't even realize it. I pulled out my wand and tried to pull her closer, but it was impossible. I looked down and thought for a moment. It didn't take long. Some path must have led there, most likely it fell down. Someone destroyed it. Nevertheless, the debris will still be there.
After a few painful minutes I managed to fix the bridge. It was narrow, fragile, and held in place by my magic that I fixed on it. I took a few careful steps and made it safely to the other side. Now I really had the object within reach and could examine it closely and properly.
Lily. Her white curling flowers danced around a poisonous green stem and stuck to the glass she was standing behind. I've never liked a flower more... I raised my hand and suppressed a warning in the back of my head; enchanted objects are not touched. Cursed items must first be removed if we want to continue using them... But who said this lily is cursed?
I tapped gently on the glass. My fingers vibrated unpleasantly at the touch, and the lily seemed to turn in my direction; Another warning sounded in my head and I bit my lip. It's not a good sign when my whole arm hurts just by touching the glass...
Whole hand? Weren't they just fingers?
I couldn't help myself. It started to get dark before my eyes. Poison. I realized it too late. I took a heavy breath and tried to crawl away. I was on my knees, suffocating and trying to catch my breath. I took my wand and attempted a spell; it helped me a little, I could breathe; but lily was looking at me with her penetrating gaze, whispering "You won't leave me here... Love... don't leave me here... I'm so alone... I love you... I need your touch..."
It wasn't Lily's voice. It was a soft but read voice. Pleasant to listen to. I could fall asleep with him, I would love him to tell me stories like he used to…
Mama bitte…
Lass mich nicht allein... Mutter...?
I managed to cast another healing spell, my fingers stopped tapping. I wanted to die.
My condition began to improve after a few hours; I didn't know, really, how long I lay here, collapsed and overwhelmed with feelings. I had to get up, and I almost did, but…
A white-grey cloak, an elder wand, his hands... His hair... His eyes... Against me... Beautiful weather, a sunny day, and his hands are playing with a book, carefully but amused... He is alone. Completely alone.
The tree fell, rotted, and fell, as if the earth had absorbed it. Only the log remained.
My head hurts, my eyes burn and I feel like I might go blind. Another flash of light, him fiddling with a wand in one hand and a resurrection stone in the other, an invisibility cloak casually draped around him...
It's a beautiful picture. Splendid. But not mine, not mine, HE is not mine anymore, nothing is mine.
Albus?
Albus?
Please?
I can’t have them all without the forth one.