Caecitas
/GG/
Not seeing is like falling into an abyss. No, it is enough if you are in complete darkness at night in the house; you have no idea what anything looks like, you can't even see the outlines and everything is... Gone.
I bumped into something over me.
"Come on..." I tried to find my wand, there was still a chance to save myself. I kicked the ground in anger and frustration, feeling my fingers begin to shake. I had no idea if I was behind the bridge or if I had already managed to get to the other side.
Inhale, exhale. It can not work like this. Another breath and another deep breath until my fingers and breath calmed down.
"Fine," I sighed and knelt on the floor. I couldn't let my emotions control me. Systematically, I began to search around; the ground, the rough floor, something wet, sticky... I scooped up the liquid and brought my fingers to my lips; blood. So I got back to the dead student. I swallowed; I pictured the whole room as I had left it when I went to the cursed lily. From memory I managed to find the bridge; a few steps, a few grabs around - yes, it was definitely the bridge. I carefully climbed over it. It was no longer held by my magic and I felt several pieces peel away from beneath me and fall down into the abyss. According to the impact, it must have been several hundred meters deep. Normally, if I saw it, it would give me a thrill. Now that was... Fear?
I managed to cross the bridge, and my hands were sweaty, as never before. I wasn't the type to get sweaty hands from stress - !
Albus. He wasn't here with me, I remembered that. However, if I could find my wand if there wasn't any other chance left... Maybe I could send him a fiery disappearing message with the code. But I put it off as a last resort, as his presence would cost me too much to explain. And besides, he didn't even have to be in his room or at home.
To the left, to the right, in front of myself, behind myself... The wand is nowhere to be found. I sat up and with one wandless magic spell I brought my temperature down so I could focus more. I tried a more complicated spell, but I couldn't do it without the wand. So I performed a few more healing spells, that helped me enough at least.
I have to search systematically and think. I have to concentrate. I must not lose my head. Did I hear the wand fall down the chasm? No. If that happens, would I have any other options?
Well yes! At Merlin's!
Man is terribly stupid thanks to his lost senses. I was generally mad at myself for letting my stress and fear get to me so much that I couldn't even think about the fact that there was a dead witch lying in the room, whom I could steal the wand from, and use it to find my own.
Sighing, I carefully climbed back over to the other side; I can't afford to make another mistake next time.
I took the girl's wand and used a summoning charm to summon mine; gracefully and lovingly, she flew right into my hand and I wanted to cry with joy.
Can blind eyes cry?
"Don't let me down, please," I whispered to my wand, calming myself down. I took a breath, forming a defensive circle around me in case someone, anyone, tried to attack me while I tried to regain my sight. The wand obeyed me and I felt much safer. As I was about to say the first spell and the wand probably lit up, several flashes appeared in front of my eyes, my head hurt terribly and I…
He is on his knees, blood and tears around him. His hair flows down his shoulders to his shoulder blades, he holds the body of his dead sister in his hands on his lap. His look is so etched in my mind that it burns before my eyes and I will never forget it. He will live in me forever. Is it his fault? Does he know? Is it my fault? He cries, wails and begs me not to leave. But I can't look at him like that -!
His pink fingers play with his long auburn hair and tuck it behind his ear. He doesn't smile and looks like he hasn't smiled in years. He looks at several books on the table, then chooses one and reads it. Slowly, after a while, he gets bored and angrily throws it behind him. He takes another one and does the same. He doesn’t read. He's looking for something. He plays with his fingers nervously.
His short hair doesn't spread across the pillow like it used to. But it is still delicate looking. He gets up, tired, nervous, with a distaste for life. He doesn't smile. He fakes a smile when he speaks with people. I know he's faking it.
He plays aggressively with a chain around his neck. He has wrinkles on his forehead. His nails are trimmed, but he still bites them. Then he trims them again. And again. It calms him down, to be imperfectly perfect. He was always my perfect imperfection in so many ways.
The white cloak signifies death. His hands sink into the wet and dark grass as his body hits the ground. It was as if all the stress and all the stones from his heart fell with him as he hit the ground. He looks relaxed again, after several years, his wrinkles seem to have disappeared, absorbed into his skin and he looks young again. His smile is intellectual, content and relaxed. He wanted to die. For several decades now.
A few hours later, Durmstrang’s hospital wing
9:54 AM, 4˚C
„Ich glaube, er muss mit Hilfe eines Schülers hier eingebrochen sein. Das Schloss ist gesichert.“
„Dumm. Niemand würde ihn hier reinlassen, nicht einmal Hanne oder ihre Freundin…“
"Nun, anscheinend so."
"Sollten wir nicht einen Brief an seinen Vater schicken? Oder an das Ministerium hier?"
"Es wird nicht helfen, er ist nur ein Schlingel ..."
"Er spielt mit schwarzer Magie..."
"Alle hier!"
("I think he must have broken in here with the help of one of the students. The castle is secured."
"Stupid. No one would let him in here, not even Hanne or her friend…"
"Well, apparently so."
"Shouldn't we send a letter to his father? Or the ministry here?"
"It won't help, he's just a rascal..."
"He's playing with black magic..."
"Everyone here!")
I turned my head on the pillow and opened my eyes. I was struck by the harsh light, contrasting with the hideous grey walls. The windows were high above the floor, barred and tightly closed. I looked around and saw two people standing near my bed. I was about to get up when the heavy metal door swung open and a man entered.
"Vel vel, er det ikke herr Grindelwald...? Hva skjedde, unge gutt, drømte du om å komme tilbake hit? Det kommer ikke til å skje. Eller har du ønsket å stjele noe fra oss? Det ligner mer på deg...”
("Well well, isn't that Mr Grindelwald...? What happened, young lad, did you dream about getting back here? That is not going to happen. Or have you wanted to steal something from us? That is more like you...”)
"Nei, jeg har ikke, jeg-"
However, the man reached out with a wand in his hand, determined to cast a curse on me. Lucky for me, I realized this quickly, grabbed something glassy from the bedside table and threw the object at his face. The man squealed, dropped his wand, and lunged at me with his bare hands. Quickly dodging, I slid off the bed and grabbed his wand that was lying on the floor. I cursed him, but something stabbed me in the back and I fell to my knees. I froze for a moment, I felt someone's hands grab my shoulders and pull me away; muttering a defensive and cancelling spell several times in quick succession, the spell loosened and I was able to move again.
I kicked the person in front of me, broke free from the other's grip, and threw myself at the man again; I hit him in the face, but he returned it with a split lip. I got angry at the taste of blood, stood up steadier and hit him again. And again. He was the same height as me and his physical fitness was no higher. I dodged his blow, using his wand to summon mine; she must have been gone somewhere as it took several seconds for her to even reach me. In the meantime, I managed to break free and stun one of the people from the hospital who was holding my shoulders before.
"I won't hurt you if you let me walk away with everything I came for," I spat at the man and he spat back angrily. I now had both his wand and mine in my hands, and he was almost defenceless. Even so, he could handle wandless magic quite well.
"I won't let you wash away just so you can do more of your criminal tricks. Haha, you won't have it that easy Grindelwald, not this time," he growled at me and I took a step closer. The man in whom, now that I could get a better look at him, I saw my former professor and took a step back.
"You're afraid of me, aren't you?" I laughed at his rashness and bit my lip. Sparks flashed in the professor's eyes. He took a step to the left and took the wand from the person on the ground, which he pointed at me.
"Then a duel," I remarked more to myself and smiled. I honestly missed fights and was glad to get into one now. Even if it was life and death, on my part for sure.
I was the first to attack, which I must admit was considerate of him. He was defending himself with a shield spell and it took me a while to break through. He attacked me back with a binding curse, but I managed to redirect it and turn it towards him. I smiled as he dropped to his knees. I took a step forward but he shot flames at me and felt my hand burning. I had to save myself, which he took advantage of and cast two more curses against me. Fortunately, I was able to block and deflect the third one against him. It slashed his forehead, making a huge gash, and the man shrieked and dropped to his knees again, dropping his wand and clutching his head. I quickly jumped up to him, picked up the wand and threw it to the other side of the room. One of the people on the floor started to get up, so I immediately kicked them in the face and used a curse just to be sure.
The man managed to get up, knocked me to the ground and started punching me. After a few punches, when I regained my composure, I managed to slip away, headbutt him in the nose, and knock him away with a spell. He landed on the wall, then rolled down and fell straight into the potions shelf. It spilt over him and began to hiss and burn his body in their contamination.
Angry but with a winning smile, I stood up, adjusted my uniform and kept my wand in my hand just in case, ready to attack. Or defend yourself.
I walked out of the infirmary and cast a covering spell on myself. I should have done that when I arrived. Another mistake. I relied too much on myself and my abilities. I will need more field trips.
I crept up to the door to the cellar, crept in and quietly and quickly ran down to my original place. The books were still rolling on the ground, everything was actually in the same condition as I left it, only the two dead girls had disappeared. They probably took them away when they started going missing and that's how they found me too.
I quickly took any books that might come in handy and placed them in the enchanted pockets of my coat. Then, without looking back, I ran back, got out of the castle, left the grounds, and that's when I started to feel like fainting. My head was spinning, my vision was going again and I stopped hearing. In fact, all I could hear was an unpleasant buzzing and buzzing in my head that escalated until I passed out. I failed to apparate.
Friday 14th July 1899
6:47 AM
/AD/
Being without Gellert for a few days was... Weird. I woke up in the morning with a headache, and I tried to stop it immediately with a charm; but that didn't work even after a few minutes, so I ran to the bathroom, opened the first aid kit and took out some muggle medicines, gulping them down with icy water and leaned against the sink; after a while, I looked up from my shaking hands and looked in the mirror after a long time.
My hair was a bit longer than it was a few days ago at prom. They were growing fast and maybe I was helping them with magic. I tucked my strands behind my ears and studied my face. My eyes were suspiciously tired, with dark circles under them. The oblivious colour of my eyes blended unnaturally with my auburn hair and I bit my lip; why couldn't I be… Prettier?
Handsome, like he was?
My dry, full lips were bitten, and the longer I looked at them, the more my heart sank. Was his heart clenching inside of him too when he looked at my lips? Did he feel the sadness I felt now as he studied them? It felt like a million years ago, and yet it all seemed to happen moments ago when he was kissing me. I closed my eyes wistfully, licking my lips. I could still feel him. It was a slight vibration on my bottom lip that he had bitten down may be too hard on the last kiss, leaving a faint scar on the inside. Or, at least, on my soul.
My head hurt even more.
After a few agonizing hours in which I forbade myself to think about him and succeeded, I sat downstairs in the lounge with lemon tea and read a few light novels. However, that got boring after a while, and when I found that the tea was gone and my mug was empty, I got up angrily and went back to my room. I looked at the table and of course, my eyes fell on one of those books I had borrowed from him. It described several hundred mythical objects and locations where the author saw them or believed they must be. I jotted down a few interesting locations and then, I don't know how I ended up kneeling over a large map of England. I marked the spot that Gellert and I found as a possible location for the invisibility cloak. It was quite far away, but if apparating, it wouldn't take more than a day, if everything went according to plan.
Plan! I had to come up with a plan.
Bored, angry, offended, and probably jealous of not having Gellert by my side, I drew up a very detailed plan on new parchment of how the place could be explored. This worked well for me from the room, and the plan was easy to come up with, but I knew it would be different in the field. I was about to be proud of myself when I realized that thanks to my mother's death, I never made it to the field. Unless, of course, various types of libraries and study rooms were counted as terrain. I angrily threw the parchment on the floor and sat down in my chair. What if he calls me and assumes I was busy because I didn't get back to him? What if he really didn't get back to me because he wants to give me time to focus on the borrowed books? What if I offended him?
What if I loathe him?
What if he doesn't like me?
What if I love him?
I cursed, tearing up a few papers I no longer needed, then putting them back together just in case Gellert needed them. No, it will not go on like this; if we are to get them all, or at least one of the deathly hallows, we need to know what the plan is. And I was very unsure of his at the moment, as I couldn't read other's minds and couldn't remember him telling me.
So I had to come up with something in case any progress was expected of me. It would be rude of me not to work on anything just because he's not here. It was also in my personal interest.
What would I want?
I pondered the three deathly hallows; which one would be most beneficial for me? Which one would I like to get first?
The cloak? No. What he would bring me was only invisibility, according to the fable, that is, invisibility before death. The ability to hide from death. But that didn't suit me yet; I didn't live a risky life, I didn't have enemies. I didn't need to hide from anything or anyone. Not now.
How about an elder wand? Was this what I wanted most of all? It took me a while to think about the wand; its power was breathtaking, and it could do things like no other wand. I could make anything, create, heal... It was a powerful thing, breathtaking and unique. But...
Resurrection Stone. Yes, that was what I wanted the most out of all the deathly hallows. The stone would give me back my mother, my father... I wouldn't have to worry about Aberforth and Ariana. I could leave, leave with Gellert, go out into the world, fulfil my dream, I could travel to several countries, gain experience, write several books, make good international contacts...
I could get rid of everything here at home and go with him.
With renewed enthusiasm and a pounding heart, I set about researching again. I performed location spells over and over according to the instructions of every book I could find, went through several hundred newspaper clippings, and sent an owl to Hogwarts asking for more newspaper clippings from the library archives. I carefully recorded everything on a parchment called the Resurrection Stone; I put it together in a practical plan with dates and places, evidence and assumptions.
I was only distracted from work by hunger, which came on unpleasantly around seven o'clock in the evening. I panicked slightly when I realized how much time my research had really consumed, but I looked at the finished plan with satisfaction.
I got up from my chair, tried to wash off the ink stains on my hands, and picked up my sweater from the bed. Despite the hot weather outside, it was cold inside, and I couldn't open the open window to prevent the wind from blowing away my plans. I was pulling my sweater over my head and striding out of the room, entering the stairs when I heard a loud and eager banging on the front door. It didn't stop, on the contrary, it intensified every second and became absolutely deafening.
"I'm coming! Don't bang on that door, I-" Aberforth's exasperated yell died as I heard the door fly open and my heart raced. I jumped down the last three steps, quickly ran down the hall and stood in front of the door.
And my heart stopped.
/GG/
I woke up in the dark. I tried to blink and was about to accept that I was blind again when a light flashed above me and I forced my eyes to look ahead despite the excruciating pain.
I was in a rather simple, small and narrow room with no windows. A door stood directly in front of me, in which a man now appeared. I swallowed; they had to catch me and find me when I passed out outside.
The man approached me and my senses naturally went into focus. I noticed that I was barefoot, only wearing a shirt and pants. I looked around, quickly. The clothes were folded not far from me, almost within reach. I didn't have my wand with me, and I didn't dare to mutter a summoning spell yet, and I wasn't even sure if I could do it without a wand. It wasn't one of the spells I would practice.
„Du Bastard, also bist du doch zurückgekommen… Du genießt es, Menschen weh zu tun, huh? Weißt du was? Jetzt werde ich dir wehtun…“
("You bastard, so you came back after all... You enjoy hurting people, huh? So you know what? Now I'm going to hurt you...")
I blinked in confusion; I did not yet recognize the man, neither by the voice nor by the outline I saw in the shadows. I sighed tiredly; besides passing out, I had not slept or eaten for over thirty hours. I swallowed, muttering a low and subtle healing and shielding charm. My arms and legs were free, so I struggled to stand up. The man was thus three times wider than me, but two heads smaller. He looked comical.
"Ich glaube nicht, dass ich mich an Ihren Namen erinnere, Sir. Vielleicht geben Sie mir einen Hinweis...?"
("I don't think I remember your name, sir. Maybe give me a hint...?")
"Anthon," the man mumbled and I bit my lip, needing a moment to think. But the name rang the bell; it was Danish, so he came from the north. That explained his figure and a bad German accent.
I looked him over again and after a while, I understood. I tried in vain to connect him with the school, but dear Anthon had nothing to do with it. Well, not quite. He worked as a watchman of the surrounding grounds and his job was to ward off any muggle visitors; either through spells or simple verbal navigation that they are on the wrong route. Thanks to his appearance, no one dared to contradict him.
And he also made sure that no student got away from the school. Which of course I tried more than once. That's why the room felt familiar.
But that didn't scare me, as Anthon probably thought. Out of nowhere, I burst into laughter, dropped to my knees, and took a moment to calm down. I was so glad to be somewhere I knew. I know what the area looks like, I managed to get out of here once before, and it wasn't that long ago. It was actually a week before I got kicked out of school.
"Es tut mir leid... aber ich kann nicht anders."
("I'm sorry... but I can't help it.")
The next moment I tried a summoning charm to get my wand back; I refused to move from here without her. Once I have it with me, I will be able to use the pendant to apparate back to Godric's Hollow.
However, the wand had to stay out when Anthon found me and dragged me here. She didn't show up right away, and that was a mistake. As soon as I cast the spell, Anthon threw the baton he had been playing with in his hands at me. I managed to dodge, but his baton boomeranged back at him with no way for me to stop it. And, he was right next to me, not even half a step away in another second. The small room had its reasons: there was nowhere to turn, nowhere to run. It simply served as a trap that cornered you, literally.
I dodged the first blow, too, but I was not so lucky with the second and third and caught the hit with a heavy leather object into my eye and shoulder. Hissing in pain, I quickly cast a shield spell and held it for two seconds until Anthon broke it with his spell. Forming a quick sloppy fireball in my movements, I smacked it in his face and finally had the chance to jump to the other side of the room while Anthon held his nose.
I was ready for another fireball, already formulating it in my hands when the wand reached me. I managed to grab it quickly, my hand went under my shirt, I pulled out the pendant and gripped it tightly in my hand, I turned it around and -
My shoulder was in an agony of pain, I felt as if someone had torn my arm off; then everything spun in front of me, the room disappeared along with Anthon, and after endless minutes I have spent in agony, I apparated out onto the hill in Godric's Hollow.
I threw up.
/AD/
My knees throbbed, my hands began to tingle, and my eyes almost went black; however, despite all this, I automatically reached for him, pulled him to me, and felt his entire weight fall on my shoulder.
"Shhh, it's fine..." Those were the only words I could muster at that moment. I could feel Aberforth's gaze piercing my back in curiosity and surprise. Something hot, sticky and sweet was spilling over my shoulder, hands and neck. I swallowed, unable to bring myself to fold even when I was covered all over by j
his blood. I had to fix myself, I had to help him. There will be time to panic later.
I immediately started creating several healing charms, enveloping him all over, managed to drag him over the threshold and slammed the door. I knelt with him on the floor, his body running down mine like drops of water.
"Abe, a bowl of water, the purple potion in the bathroom and a bandage. Go." I didn't have time to forgive him, and Abe, thank God, didn't stop and immediately went to do as I told him. The sight of a bloodied Gellert must have taken away any sarcastic innuendos he would otherwise have quickly prepared.
"Hold on, hold on, it's fine..." I whispered as I kept the charms around him. His eyes alternated between opening and closing, and I couldn't help but notice that his right eye was without an iris. The iris was separated from the sclera only by a faint black border, otherwise, it was completely pale. I caressed his face, removing his hair from his forehead and kissed his forehead countless times. More to calm myself down.
Aberforth was prompt and brought me everything I said. He knelt down next to me and put his hand on my shoulder, but I just shook my head.
"No, no, go to your sister. Don't let her come here, understand? She can't—I don't want her to see it... Abe, go!"
My brother left with a sob, I turned behind him just to make sure he was going up the stairs. I then immediately took the purple potion in my hand and poured it into the water and stirred it. I took off Gellert's shirt, several buttons broke off and rested somewhere in a pool of blood underneath.
His entire left shoulder was cut and I had to do something to hold myself up. Stars kept forming in front of my eyes and I felt like I was going to pass out any second. And maybe I fainted for a millisecond, but the sight of him woke me up again.
I took a sponge from the lavatory and sucked it on his shoulder. I felt him shake under my hands, his right hand grabbing my wrist and his nails digging into my skin.
"I know… I'm sorry…" I cried. Gellert's grip loosened and he moaned in pain as the potion was applied again. I repeated this a few more times, and the boy in my arms calmed down and then just lay helplessly in my lap.
I checked his vitals and when I was sure he wasn't bleeding anywhere and finished my healing spell, I let out a relieved breath and stared blankly ahead for a moment. Various scenarios flashed before my eyes, but none of them was relevant. I began to feel his blood drying on my clothes and sticking to my skin.
I managed to get him to my room. I laid him on the bed, lightly washed him, and watched his bandaged body. I sat down next to him and carefully took his hand in mine and realized for the first time how different our hands were and yet fit together perfectly; neither was much smaller or larger, and both were similar in size. His fingers were slightly narrower and elongated, the knuckles on his hands sticking out while mine were perpetually reddened as I nervously played with my hands. His nails were short and perfectly manicured, but mine were bitten, but I still tried to take care of them and not show my nervousness.
I ran my fingers between his', they fit perfectly, like a puzzle that was made in one piece and then split. I squeezed his hand lightly, but I didn't get a return. So I allowed myself to stare further.
I let him sleep. I made some tea and brought it upstairs, keeping the kettle hot while he slept in case he woke up. I checked every now and then to see if he was breathing and how his eyes reacted to the light. He seemed fine, just resting. I lay down next to me, but I didn't dare to come closer. I stayed a good half meter away from him, giving him space on my large bed.
Before long I fell asleep, dressed and dreamless.
The tea in the kettle had long since gone cold when I was awakened by a light but painful intake of breath. I immediately sat up and turned in Gellert's direction. He was awake, his forehead was sweaty and he looked sick. I quickly moved to him, supported him and looked into his eyes. I was silent.
"Albus…" he whispered to me after a while and caressed my cheek awkwardly. He was looking into my eyes, but at the same time, he was looking somewhere through me.
"Yes. Are you okay?" I asked quietly as well, removing his hand from my face. Gellert shrugged and swallowed hard.
"I hope so. You healed me, that's good. Thank you. Albus, I..." He straightened up now and cupped my face again. I prayed his fingers wouldn't go to my chin and lift it.
He did exactly that.
"Gellert, I'm sorry, I should have been—"
"No. It's okay. Stay as you are. I-I need you like this. I think…"
But I didn't find out what Gellert thought that night. He fell asleep again, his hand leaving my face, caressing my arm by mistake and giving me goosebumps. I pushed back the tears and lay down as before.
I need you like this.
I do not love you.
I need you.
Should I cry or love him?