Who can read the diaries, Albus?
From Albus’ diary:
Monday 3rd of July 1899 Last two days were interesting. Mostly because everything was different from always – I fought with Abe more than just once, my mother did not bake me a cake for my today’s birthday and my father stooped sending me lemon sweets as he used to do. Maybe I was just too old for that in his opinion. I really do not know. And the biggest change of course came when I met Gellert. He is a really nice boy, living next door. He moved to Batty’s, his great-aunt. I do not know why, exactly, yet – it has something to do about Deathly Hallows – because one of them is supposed to be here, in England. He did not tell me which one yet, but I do think it is the invisibility cloak. I have helped him with some research, well, that is quite an interesting story. I fought with my brother while Batty and Gellert were here, and I was embarrassed. Therefore, I thought it was a nice, pleasant and kind compensation. He agreed and you know what – he thanked me. I think we could be friends… I would like to offer him a friendship, but I do not know which gesture I should use. In Hogwarts it was always much easier, I had the same lecture or class with someone and I just asked if they need some help. However,… Wouldn’t it be a bit inappropriate if I asked once more time? Wouldn’t it bother him? And if no, then still – what if h
There was a sudden knock on Albus’ door.
“Go away, Abe!” he shouted, sighing. His ink pen made a huge drop and he desperately tried to save it.
“I am really not in a mood to fight…” Albus added, cursing over his ruined page. “And I am really not Abe,” said the voice behind the door, with a light tone of a laugh. Albus frowned, and turned his head to the door before he got up, leaving his table and the diary opened.
“Oh… what a nice surprise…” It was the blonde neighbour. Albus coughed, giving a look behind himself to the room, then turning back to the boy. “I am worried I won’t be able to take you to my room, I have some-“
But the tall boy sneaked around him quickly, stepped into his room with a grin and slammed the door.
***
“There is no other place where we can be alone, isn’t it?” he asked curiously, looking around the room with an obvious interest in his eyes. I blinked, desperately trying to hide my mess by shoving most of it into drafts under it and locking them quickly.
“Uhm, I guess? Why so?” I had to curse when a whole ink bottle sprinkled over my hands. Damn it. Gellert meanwhile sat on my bed, now giving a look to the chandelier above.
“Because your brother heard us talking yesterday. And he was really, really not nice to me after I walked you home.”
I frowned. “Abe came to you after you left? But how, I really saw you leaving-“
"He knocked at our door to wake poor Batty. She was already asleep, so he came at about ten o'clock in the evening. She was quite flustered when he strode past her into the house—I was just running downstairs, hoping to open the door before she did. He went straight to me and kind of hinted that I was distracting you - to which I said that was exactly my plan because I don't like it when you get sad like that. He asked me why I was taking care of you, so I tried to explain that here I just don't have anyone else - he didn't get it. He told me that you are supposed to take care of Ariana... And that he heard all the nonsense we talked about - he said it'll just take your life and it won't do you any good. I tried to explain it to him, Albus, but-"
"Yeah, I know. He does not understand things like that, not now, especially. He misses our parents, blames me, and finds any excuse…" If only I had known then how terribly right Abe was and that he just wanted to keep me close as a brother after such a terrible event. By Merlin, I was so blind...!
Gellert now got up from my bed and with a charm helped to get the ink out of my hands - for I was desperately looking for my wand as he spoke - it was somewhere... Ah, under the pillow.
"Thank you," I said and he kept one of my hands in his.
"You're welcome. And I'm sorry for intruding, but we can't talk downstairs anymore. How about coming over? To mine. Batty won't listen to us... As long as I keep her busy enough. I told her, yesterday, that I absolutely adore strawberry pockets— I've never eaten them in my life, but it's one of the hardest recipes I've found, and I needed like an hour and a half to concentrate. But then I found out that she bakes really fast, so I spent ten minutes convincing her that I like them cold and they have to wait. It was terrible."
Was I imagining it, or was Gellert acting... different today? He seemed more relaxed, more open to me as if we suddenly knew each other a lot better. And I was even more confused because of yesterday. I sighed and sat down where he had been before, I fished my wand out from under the pillow and started playing with it in my fingers. He sat next to me.
"Albus? Is something wrong?" he asked when I did not respond to his speech and just smiled and mumbled something like: I believe so. I quickly looked up at him. My stomach churned with nervousness.
"No, nothing is wrong, everything is fine, why?" Maybe I will just play it for posthumous grief.
"When I came, you were trying to clean up everything here, as if you had a corpse buried here. Then you hardly notice me, and besides... You look dishevelled. Did something happen during the night? Did Aberforth come to you and say something unpleasant to you?" He put his hand on my back and caressed it gently. My mother used to do it too when I felt down. How many times have I comforted Ariana or Aberforth like this when they had nightmares as children. It was a sympathetic touch, applicable to any situation in which you felt uneasy, on the verge of collapse and derailment. And he gave me one such sympathetic touch now. I raised my eyes to him and straightened up a bit. His hand stayed in the same place, he caressed me again. I swallowed and stood up, but after a while, he did the same and turned me towards him.
"Albus…" he addressed me very softly, almost whispering. He took my hand. I blinked, looked down at my shoes, then back up at his lips, nose, then back at his eyes. Finally, completely out of it and without saying a word I first rested my head on his shoulder and then let it settle in, my arm immediately wrapped around his waist and I let my body yield to the situation until the touches turned into hugs. He, also without a word, returned the hug and, at first shocked, but then firmly, pulled me to himself. I closed my eyes, trying not to perceive anything but the soft fabric of his shirt and collar. I could feel a lump forming in my throat, tears were in my eyes and my lips began to tremble. Unfortunately, after a while, I could not breathe normally, so I was left with nothing but a deep sigh, from which came a stifled sob. Gellert stroked my back again, and also buried himself in my shoulder.
And so we just stood in my room for a while, absorbed in the other, oblivious to the world - one tall, blond boy with spider fingers and the other, me, pink in the face from tears, with auburn hair and the same blue eyes as he had. I thought I was about to fall asleep, how comfortable it was when he spoke softly, his chin resting on my head.
"I'm glad you are Albus. I'm glad I met you. Please don't ever question it." He gripped my shoulders and arms again, then gently pulled me away from him.
"Better?" he asked, probably trying to catch my eye. I protested, resting my head on his shoulder again. I heard him chuckle. "Okay. So we'll have a deal like this - my shoulder will be your safe spot. But as a reward, you'll talk, okay?" And then he put me back into the embarrassment I was in yesterday when he lifted my chin with his index finger until I was forced to meet his eyes. I had to blink a few times. Then I slowly nodded.
"Better," I blurted out. I wanted to lean on his shoulder again, I wanted it, if possible, always and forever. I never wanted anything else. But Gellert suddenly let go of my chin, my whole body suddenly went heavy and I staggered as he let go of my shoulders and body. I realized how hard it is to stand on my own two feet. I stumbled over to the bed and sat down. Meanwhile, he was looking around my room.
"I have good news," he smiled after a moment, holding my favourite owl paperweight in his hand. I raised my head, sniffed, and wiped my eyes with my sleeve.
"Really? What kind?" Uh, by Merlin, my voice sounded awful and tearful. I need to come to my senses.
"The cloak, Albus. The invisibility cloak is definitely around here somewhere. I almost managed to locate it yesterday, but-"
"Can you do a locator spell?!" I blinked and walked up to him. He smiled, the whole time watching me with a strange look.
"I'm glad you're interested - yes. Yes, I can, it's not that difficult. I'll teach you, I'm rather surprised that you can't do it, how come?"
I shrugged. "We never had it in the curriculum. And I just couldn't do it. I don't know what I did wrong. But I can do other things, don't worry." I smiled and then blinked in confusion as Gellert cleared his throat, smirked, and turned his face away from me.
"Yeah, yeah I do believe that..." When he turned back, his cheeks were slightly red and he smiled at me several times. I shrugged uncomprehendingly.
***
Oh, Albus... How innocent, fabulously blind and full of hope for a better tomorrow you are... We have known each other for a while. Barely a week, it's a few days. Three to be exact. Only a few hours. And I can't help it - I need you. You and no one else. You give me confidence without knowing it. Your innocence makes me want to discover life, to discover you. You look at me with innocent eyes, in love, and yet you do not know it. You are so smart, you are an absolute genius, and, I am sorry, but you are so much beautiful. Yet you miss many things; you could easily be taken advantage of, Albus, and I cannot allow that. They do not know how precious you are. Your naivety and belief in love hurt, but it makes you just yourself. I could fall for you, so many times, and I would always be able to fall even deeper. You are making me so weak, so damn vulnerable, but also so strong at once, that I cannot decide which way I should go… I hope you stay like this... Oh, I have been staring at you for too long, you might notice...
***
"Do you have any plans for today?" I asked Gellert as the room fell awkwardly and he kept looking at me. He blinked when he heard my voice. I must have snapped him out of his reverie.
"Uh, what about every day, and you?" he turned the question on me and I shrugged.
"I was going to go outside to read. Probably nothing interesting," I smiled warmly and sat back down at my desk that he had distracted me from earlier.
And so it happened that we both found ourselves again in my meadow - our meadow. But it was much prettier thanks to Gellert's decoration from yesterday. He conjured a white blanket again, this time by a tree, so I leaned my back against it and pulled out my unfinished journal and quill. Gellert decided, of course, to borrow all my Deathly Hallows books and documents and study them again, this time in their entirety. He looked at me with interest as I started to write in my journal.
...what if he doesn't want to be friends with me? But it doesn't look like that anymore - I had to stop writing for a while because he came to me. Does that mean he wants to be my friend or not? Now we are together in the meadow, in my meadow. Actually, it's our meadow now, because we both know about it, not just me. I'm sitting leaning against a tree, and Gellert is lying not far from me - his blond hair almost blends into the white sheet, and his eyes are the same colour as the sky above us. Are mine the same colour too or are they different? He's reading my books - they're scattered all over the sheet and stacked on top of each other. He's lying between them, one leg bent, his sleeve just rolled up because he's trying to shade his eyes from the sun... Now he looked at me, and smiled. It makes me smile too, I do - but I'm still typing so I don't look at him. But I wonder what if
"Didn't you say you were going to read? Where's your romance novel?" Gellert asked and I stopped writing for a moment.
"In my bag. I'm finishing up my journal, you interrupted me earlier," I explained and wanted to start writing again.
...what if... I don't know anymore, he interrupted me again!
Gellert sat down. "Can I look?" he asked and I blinked in confusion, pressing the journal to my chest as the ink dried.
"What? No! It's a diary, strangers don't look at it!" I justified myself, shaking my head in disbelief.
"But I'm not a stranger," he complained with a laugh and sat down. His sleeves covered his forearms again. Damn.
"No, you're not. But the diaries aren't even shown to acquaintances," I tried to be more precise.
"Acquaintance? I am your... Acquaintance?" he laughed but pretended to be extremely offended. I laughed too, but Gellert smacked me lightly with the book." Oh Gellert, I don't have anyone here... Oh Gellert, will you be my friend? Oh Gellert, by Merlin, save me from my brother..." he started imitating my voice and I burst out laughing.
"I don't talk like that! I don't talk like a girl! And I never said this, you said you didn't have anyone else here..."
"Acquaintance! I'm your good acquaintance Gellert… Hmmm…" he chuckled. "Come on, show me, Albus. Are we friends or not?"
"But Gellert, the diary is not shown even to friends..."
"But we are good friends, after all, Albus…" he continued to provoke. I sighed and he smiled. "Come on Albus. Please. I just want to look at it. I want to know how you write," he tried to reason. I shook my head again.
"Not even to good friends, Gellert," I added, hopefully intelligibly.
"And best friends? We can be best friends, Albus," he continued.
"We're not going to be best friends just so you can read my diary - and even best friends can't read their best friends' journals."
"And who can?" he asked suddenly, also leaning against the tree, next to me, but now closing his eyes. There was silence. "Who can read the diaries Albus?" he asked softly again and I felt him take my hand in his. Slowly, at first, I only felt his fingers take two of mine. Then another joined in until he interlocked his owns with mine. I swallowed and took a deep, ragged breath. I felt him squeeze my hand. I did the same thing. And he repeated that in a moment when I didn't answer.
"I… I don't know," I stammered quietly. My heart was pounding I was afraid it was going to jump out of my chest.
"Who, Albus?" he asked just as quietly as me, ignoring my previous answer, and I felt him getting closer to me. He lifted my chin again with his other hand, but this time closer to him, so I had to lean awkwardly with my hand on his shoulder to keep from falling on him. Now my heart could seriously jump out of my chest, my palms were sweating and I desperately needed to wet my lips because they were extremely dry.
But he did that for me.
At one moment we were inches from each other, but at the next moment, even that small distance collapsed. At first, I felt a huge jolt of confusion and managed to catch my breath before he kissed me. After that, I got goosebumps all over my body and my heart flipped a million times in my chest. I had no idea what I was doing and I didn't even know what to do. I also put my other hand on his shoulder, leaning on him. He took me with one hand around my waist and put the other on the ground, maintaining our stability. Even so, I felt as if I was falling somewhere into the unknown. I couldn't breathe, but I didn't mind at all.
The whole kiss was completely unsystematic, clumsy and slightly awkward. Maybe a bit foolish, too. But despite that, it was the very best. I had no idea how long we spent like that, it felt like a few minutes, maybe not even that - more like a place without time. He still stayed close as he slowly pulled away from me. He rested his forehead against mine, pressing my trembling body to him. I clumsily pulled myself closer to him as well, breathing erratically and rapidly. Why was he so calm? His breathing was calm, his hands were not shaking. But they held me tight, close until my head fell on his shoulder again. Only then did I calm down.
We didn't talk. There was nothing to talk about. In love - yes, I realized - I lay on his shoulder for several minutes. I liked the way he held me close, hugged me and stroked my back. After a while he placed my head in his lap, mindlessly playing with my hair. Then he started reading. We still didn't say anything, not in words. I played with the fingers of his free hand that wasn't turning the pages. He let me, sometimes he smiled at me. The sun was starting to set when he put the last book down and gently helped me up.
"I'll have to go home. Batty didn't expect me to be gone all day. And neither did I," he added, giving me a sad smile. Confused and tired, I rubbed my eyes.
"I didn't mean to hold you back you..."
"No, you didn't hold me back. Not at all. Today was beautiful," he assured me, collecting all the books and putting them in my bag, "I'll help you with it home and then I'll go."
He said no more. And I didn't know what either. I didn't dare ask anything or take his hand on the way home. Neither kiss him nor hug him again. Just nothing.
We stopped, again, in front of my door. It didn't rain today.
"I'll see you tomorrow," he said, handing me a bag of books. I tried to smile. I wished so badly that he would at least take my hand. To lift my chin, he forced me to look into his eyes. To hold me close again, he allowed me to lie on his shoulder. To kiss me again. Please.
But he didn't do any of that. He smiled at me and took a step down the stairs. No no no no please no...
“Um, yeah, tomorrow…” I forced out with pain in my chest. Can't he see it? Please, he has to see this… I didn't have to try too hard for a pained expression as I took a step toward him. This time he chuckled sweetly, took a step back and looked into my eyes.
"Not in front of your house, Albus. You never know who's watching. I'm so sorry," he added, but at least it eased my pain a little. I tried to nod my head but kept it down. "Oh, Albus…" He hugged me, at least. He could do that. I didn't even try to hide my tears anymore. Anyone who saw us might think she was helping me deal with grief. And that was half true anyway.
"Will you come in the morning?" I asked as he released me. He couldn't pet me.
"You come. Around eleven please."
"So late?!" I blurted out. Gellert laughed.
"I don't get up until I have to, and the research isn't going anywhere. I go to bed late. I'll be waiting for you. Not a minute later, okay?" He smiled, he could have given me that too. He didn't pat me on the back and I was grateful for that. I didn't want any friendly gesture from him. Not now, when my heart was so open and romantic.
"Don't worry. Not even a minute later," I confirmed, preferring to turn around to head back into the house. I watched him for a while as he returned to his home again. Like the previous two days before that. And yet, even though our dates were becoming monotonous in this, I didn't feel like I was bored with him. But I'd give anything for him to stay tonight.
***
I came home. It's been a while since I left Albus at his door, but I've been hanging around the neighbourhood. I circled Dumbledore's house a few times, walked to the chapel and from there to the fountain, then back again, staring at Albus' house. I couldn't see into his room because his window was on the other side of the house and there was an orchard with a garden. Could I climb the fence... No. Not today. And that's why I ended up at Bathilda's door. Unfortunately, my aunt caught me on the way up the stairs.
"Gellert! You streetwalker! We agreed you'd be home by ten so you wouldn't disturb me! You're lucky I was just getting ready for bed, but don't do that again!"
"Sorry Batty… I was with Albus," I apologized.
Batty sighed and looked at me sympathetically. "You're very nice to the boy. He deserves it. I think he's glad to have you here. He'll have different thoughts, poor little thing. But now, go to bed!"
I chuckled at the thought that I still had three or four hours of work ahead of me. I wanted to restore and refine the locator charm and ensure the cloak was always in the same place, or with the same person. I sat down at the table, lit a few candles with my wand and let them fly around the room. They looked like fireflies.
But when, after half an hour, I found that my thoughts were going elsewhere, I quietly scolded myself. Well, he may be my friend, but thoughts of him must not distract me from work. So I tried to focus again but to no avail. With a curse, I got up from the table so violently that the chair fell and I cursed again. I sighed, I just walked around the room for a while, but I couldn't help it- I opened the dormer window and sat on the edge - a few feet down on the roof under it - one, two roofs, then the gutter, a small gap between the houses, a tree and finally the roof from Albus' house. I can do that.
Wand in hand, I jumped down - using a spell I landed quietly and balanced. I ran across the roof, then the other and carefully stepped over the eaves and took a breath. I measured the gap between the houses with my eye - I expected it to be smaller - and looked down - I'm on the roof from the second floor. It would be unpleasant to fall. All right - jump.
And here I am. A few steps across their roof until I reached Albus' window. But – should I really knock? Should I climb down and scare him to death? Is that a good idea? For a good while, I’ve been sitting on the roof, inhaling warm summer air.
Oh, Albus, if you knew… please believe me I regret every day I didn't spend with you. I'm sorry I didn't get back to you... I'm sorry about that- but not about that now. That later. That will wait in our narrative.
So I'm going to knock on your window, seriously.
I climbed down a bit and softly tapped the glass a few times, straightening up so that Albus could see me and not be startled. I waited a while and listened to the rumbling in your room. Then the window opened and my auburn-hair boy opened it. His eyes were closed and he rubbed them cutely a few times.
“I thought you were an owl,” he smiled and let me in. "Did you forget something? We have a door…," he added and I jumped off the windowsill over the table onto his floor.
Without a word, I took him around the waist and mindlessly kissed him again. By God, I shouldn't have done this. But desire is desire. And I could never stop the mine.
I swayed slightly as the boy landed in my arms and sighed excitedly into the kiss. We happened to be at his desk and I pressed him against him lightly and he gasped again and pulled me closer by the elbow. I had no idea if he had kissed anyone before, but he wasn't bad at it. And he tasted like mint chocolate. So I couldn't just stop.
I took him a little tighter, pressed his waist to mine, and relaxed a little. By Merlin, those butterflies in my stomach... I wanted to let him exhale, but Albus wouldn't. He ran his hand through my hair, my god, the goosebumps were unbelievable.
Despite the fact that he didn't break the kiss and kept it up, he swung himself onto the table and when I tried to catch my breath, he only gave me a few seconds before taking me pretty roughly by my collar. I had to smile and forcibly stop the kiss. So, maybe, after all, my Albus won't be so innocent?
He wanted to lean back, but I put my palm between us. "Albus..."
“You started it,” he complained. He tried to lean back again, even closing his eyes.
"Yeah, but you're the one making it… hot here," I smirked, taking Albus' hands. He let me do it, tilting his head to one side and then gently nuzzling my chin with it. Several times. "I won't run away from you, don't worry..."
"That's what everyone said," he retorted in quite a different tone, I thought it was maybe a bit sad. I blinked.
"All of them? You had…"
"Someone. Actually, I didn't really have anyone. We were friends, and I thought that... That he would be like me. That he would feel the same. That... You see." Albus' cheeks flushed slightly and he looked around the room. I nodded, but I had to try to understand how he felt.
I have never dealt with anything like this, experienced it and never had anyone close to me. Kissing Durmstrang's girls at Christmas balls was the same thing to me as compulsory dancing. And the girls liked to kiss.
But Albus was someone else, the kiss with him was not out of duty or politeness. At first, I was just attracted to his lips and I had a need to try them. To taste him. Maybe I was hoping I'd try, he'd slap me, call me a poofter, and send me to hell. But Albus did the exact opposite, and I guess now I understand why. But I couldn't say that I kissed him just out of curiosity. I didn't want to hurt him.
"I see," I added, smiling a little to help the atmosphere and let him know I didn't mind. I squeezed his hand tighter. "But I'm not all of them, or rather the one. I'm... yours. And you're mine." I smiled, burying myself in his hair and feeling Albus smile against my neck.
It wasn't until now that I realized he wasn't wearing his pyjamas yet. "Did you fall asleep like this?" I asked, letting go of his hug, and walking around his room a bit.
Albus shrugged, folded his arms, leaned against the table and crossed his ankles. He looked, pardon the pun, tipsy. His cheeks were rosy pink, contrasting with his tired blue eyes but matching his hair perfectly. He didn't say anything, he just stood there, after a while he didn't know what to do with his hands, so he folded them behind him and leaned against the table. And the whole time he was looking at me with a challenging look.
"What, Albus…," I sighed, giving him a confused look mixed with mischief. I took a step back toward him. He looked down and shrugged again.
"It's just nice to know there are people like me," he just said with a smile. "I'm going to bed, it's really late and I'm falling asleep here. Besides-"
"Albus!" came a voice from behind the door and I looked in that direction startled. Aberforth began knocking on the door. "Albus, who the hell is there?! You're talking to someone!"
I rolled my eyes. "You pushy bastard..." I couldn't forgive myself and with a telling look, I walked away back to the window. "I guess this is… Good night?" I smiled and whispered. Albus gave me a sad look.
"I'm sorry. But I have to go. See you tomorrow." And then, before Aberforth burst into his brother's room, I jumped out of the window back onto the roof and made my way to mine.