car crash
Remus can't quite pinpoint when he fell in love with Sirius. It always felt natural to him. To love sirius. To hold sirius. To be with Sirius in a way that was completely different from being with anyone else. Him and Sirius always went with each other. No matter what happened. They would stray away and fall back. Remus always thought it was more magical than magic itself. Loving Sirius black. Sirius was magic in a way. In the way that she would laugh and smile, or toss her tie on the bed and flop down after a long day of detention. Sirius was remus’ own personal kind of magic. One he got to bottle up and keep forever. It felt easy to love sirius. It felt natural.
Falling in love with James, however, was anything but easy. It happened like a fire on a race track. Tires screeching, hands scraping the wheel, screams from every direction. It was a mess. It was a crash. It was everything I shouldn't have been. The thing is, everyone would fall in love with james. At one point in their lives, people would fall in love with James Potter and his ineffable smile and his sparkling eyes and his gorgeous laugh. They would fall for his kindness and his charm and his touch. And then they would leave. One by one. Remus would watch James give his all to people, and he would watch people build themselves back up and leave him. And he would let it happen. With a smile on his face and understanding eyes.
Remus didn't understand that part. How he could give so much of himself to someone else and be okay with none of it coming back to him. Remus could never do that. Open himself up. Detangle the cluster of mess in his body and his brain and let someone detangle them and then leave them. He couldn't watch it happen to James either.
And then he fell in love with james. It was slow and gradual and he didnt realise he had done it until weeks after the fact. He had never meant for it to happen. But James was just so soft and sweet. And he loved Sirius, god did he love Sirius, but he loved James too. He loved them both in a different but same way. He loved the car crash that Sirius was in, the fire tracks that she would leave, the various messes of sirius. He loved that. And he loved the softness of James, the loud brutish laugh, the drunken slur of words that left his mouth, the warm comforting touches and the soft looks. He fell in love with it all.
He fell in love with James like how the sea falls in love with the sand.
And then, like always, the tide goes in.
Remus was expecting to fall out of love quickly. To see Sirius and to realise he was in love with Sirius and not james.
And then he saw sirius. And he felt love. He felt love and adoration and everything else.
And then he saw james. And he felt love. He felt love and adoration and everything else.
“Im in love with remus”
He didn't mean it.
He didn't mean it because he couldn't mean it for a number of reasons.
There was a lot of silence.
And then Sirius spoke.
“No you dont”
“I think i know my own feelings”
“Check them again you're wrong”
Remus wasn't really paying attention. James and Sirius arguing was just white noise at this point. Remus was more focused on what he should actually do about this impending situation.
He should make a plan. He should talk to james. And then talk to sirius.
But then again, Remus has never really been much of a talker, has he?
Without thinking twice, Remus steps forwards and takes James by the neck of his hood and pulls him into a kiss. Ignoring the screams from Sirius behind him and the sound of Peter walking out the dorm. He focuses on james. He focuses on the ways james’ lips mould perfectly into his. He focuses on the way that james’ hands trail onto his hips, and he focuses on the way James feels.
He feels like he's whole.
“Are you being fucking serious right now?!”
And now there's sirius.
And Sirius is angry.
And Sirius has every right to be angry.
Because in sirius’ eyes, his best friend just professed their love for their boyfriend and their boyfriend just kissed their best friend in front of them.
“Sirius-”
“No” sirius cuts him off with a firm voice, “no i cannot believe you- you just- oh my god”
There are tears welling in her eyes and Remus knows that Sirius is about to leave the room any second but he can't let that happen so he does what he knows he shouldn't do and he grabs her forearm.
“Sirius, please let me explain, '' Remus says in a soft voice that's full of mercy and apologies.
Sirius shakes her head, their breathing becomes messy and their face starts turning red.
“I love you” remus says firmly
“But you just-”
“-I just kissed james. I know. I know and i'm sorry i didn't think before i did it”
In the corner of remus’ eyes he can see James deflating a little bit and shrinking up and he curses himself for being this way. He curses himself for hurting the two people he loves most in the whole world.
“I'm leaving. Fuck this. Fuck both of you.”
The grip on sirius’ arm tightens up a little bit and Remus can see a flash of fear in sirius’ eyes as he looks at Remus with mercy. The grip loosens but Sirius doesn't move. She stays planted solidly on the ground. Looking up at Remus like he's their entire world.
“Just- okay, let's all just talk about this, '' Remus says, leaving both boys' sides and walking over to the small sofa they have in their dorm room.
The door isn't locked and both of them can walk out at any time. But Remus knows them both well enough to know that they won't. They’ll stay. Throughout everything, they’ll stay.
“Sirius” Remus speaks first. “Are you okay?”
Sirius scoffs from next to him. Turning their face away from the remus and James and looking out the window.
It takes a while before Sirius speaks again.
“Are we breaking up?” There's a crack in her voice and even without looking at her, Remus knows that she's crying.
“No” the word comes out softly with a little press of the sirius’ back with his hand.
Sirius tenses up for a second and then melts into remus’ hand like she usually does.
“Unless you want to”
Sirius whips around within an instance. Her eyes are red and tears are streaming down her face as she shakes her head.
“That's not- no- that's not what i want at all”
Remus nods and takes both her hands in his, rubbing their knuckles with his thumb.
“Then no, we’re not breaking up”
Sirius nods and her eyes dart towards James who is looking like he’d rather die than be alive for any moment longer than he is still currently breathing.
“Do you love james?”
Remus came to the realisation that he loved James a while ago. But he's never said it. He thought if he ignored his problems he could just pretend he didn't love james. If he never said it he never felt it.
And then James said it and now he has to feel it.
He has to feel that deep love and it's terrifying for him.
It's terrifying for him to give so much of himself up without thinking about it.
But it's sirius.
And it's james.
And he can do this.
For them.
“Yes”
Over the years, Remus has gotten good at guessing what Sirius will say next. Sometimes he likes to play a game with himself where he will guess what Sirius is going to say and give himself chocolate when he guesses correctly. It's usually always.
But right now, Remus has no clue what he's about to say.
Sirius looks past remus. In fact. Sirius gets off the sofa and stands up opposite from where James is sitting.
And she kisses him.
She kisses him like James is her lifeline and she needs him to survive. And in a way James is her lifeline. Remus has seen it before. He's seen the way James brings Sirius back to life. Like pumping a balloon full of helium and watching it float again. Sirius never really needed anyone apart from james. It was like James made her whole. James was her second half. And you saw it in the way they ebbed and flowed together. The way they would put their whole trust in each other and never once doubt it for a second. It was gorgeous.
They break apart and they stand looking at each other with red lips and tired eyes. Like they've waited their whole lives for this moment.
Sirius locks eyes with Remus and it's as if both of them know in that moment what is happening.
Both of them love james
Both of them need james
“Am i right?” sirius asks remus
“Yeah. yeah you're right”
Sirius laughs slightly and kisses James again. Just for a moment before she pulls away.
“I really need some context about the whole kissing thing.'' James says breathless, hands gripping and serious waist like he's scared to let go.
Remus understands being scared to let go of sirius.
Sirius black is an enigma that you have to hold on and cherish forever.
Sirius doesnt waste a second before she takes james’ hand and drags him into the bathroom and locks the door.
Remus doesn't know why they are in the bathroom or what they're talking about. All he knows is that they're in there for approximately fifteen minutes before they both come out smiling and giggling and holding hands.
And that's all it takes for Remus to know.
He dashes forwards and takes James in his hands, kissing him like he's always wanted to kiss james. Touching him like he's always wanted to touch james. Loving him like he's always wanted to love james.
Because he loves them both. More than he'd care to admit but he does. He feels whole when he’s with them and empty when he's not.
At the end of the day it will always be sirius, remus, and james. And nothing will ever break that.