i forgot what this fic was originally about but fuck it we ball
g is playing*morning mood by edward grieg to showcase that it is morning*
"wow what a great and normal day here at the magnus institute i sure do hope nothing WEIIIRDD happens today and that everything is fine because it is fine because nothing bad happened at all. ever" Jonathan sims, the head archivist, stared out the nonexistent window of his office and pretended that there were birds singing outside, the grass is wet with dew, the sun casts a bright golden glow over the panopticon, and generally for once the island of great britain isnt a sad and decrepit hellhole which is best compared to a shitty mop from the 1700s used to clean up a brothel that didn't even show up on whatever equivalent they had to yelp back in the day. or something idk im american how am i supposed to know what england looks like aside from stereotypes? i sont even know where it is! i think its in north korea? like the state near michigan? i digress. Then, Jon heard a knock on the door. it was elias, dressed in a really fancy suit. he usually wore fancy suits, dont get me wrong, but this was the utmost fancyiest. it was from stop and shop.
"hey jon im gonna need you to pick this up we have guests coming over" this was the moment where jonathan sim's life went completely downhill (in this universe). he had wanted to just stay in his office most of the day recording statements and playing jumpstart 4th grade haunted island. but no. he had to find a place for the giant pile of cassettes, illegally obtained adam sandler movies and simcity dlcs, old book reports from random kids in houston, and the giant cardboard cutout of mr beast to live, all because PrIsSy LiTtLe eLiTiSt eLiAs WaNtS tO hAvE a SlEePoVeR wItH hIs FrIeNdS aNd BoYfRiEnD So hE CaN PaInT hIs NaIlS aNd TaLk AbOuT ThE pRoPeRtY BrOtHeRs
"myeh myeh myeh im elias im so important myeh myeh myeh myeh myeh"
"OH AND DONT FORGET YOU HAVE A QUIZ ON THE OUTSIDERS TOMMOROW?"
"since when do we need to read the outsiders the outsiders doesnt exist and neither do quizzes dont let the education system fool you, kids"
Jon managed to find a place for most of the miscellaneous junk in his office to live in, except the mr beast cardboard cutout, of course. he needed to find a place that was ostentatious enough for the world to witness mr beast's dashing eyebrows, but just secretive enough for elias to be left out. he doesn't deserve to witness mr beast's omnipotence. he couldnt just put it up in the nearest food lion, because thats not even a thing in michigan. to my knowledge. no. he needed the wisdom of...
the 2008 czech animated children's movie goat story.
simple. he was going to accuse elias buttshart of building a clock in a different town, then the queen of england herself would rise from the dead and gouge out his eyes so he cant see mr beast's cardboard cutout. and maybe court a goat along the way.
"yeah sounds great" everyone in the archives unanimously agreed that elias doesn't deserve to see mr beast's dashing incisor teeth. so together they bargained with breekon, hope, and idfk scaramouche ig, to get them to ask dr doofenshmirtz to make a gaslightinator 3000 and gaslight elias into thinking he built big ben and also gaslight him into thinking he is not only willing to, but is also capable of building bigger ben - in michigan of course. of course, this IS elias we're talking about here, so of course dr doofenshmirtz agreed. then they'd snitch of course during elias's little sleepover, and wham bam thank u maam we now have eyeless jack except this time is eyeless elias.
now all we had to do was wait.
Elias and co. (by co we, of course, mean gibby hylics, gendo ikari, belos, ougai mori, doc scratch, and some other dudes who arent really important) were all sitting at a table, thinking that they look intimidating when in reality they look really stupid and ridiculous.
"i think this property brother is better"
"no the other one is" their assorted bickering was suddently interrupted by a loud
"OBJECTION!" all of the sudden. it was none other than miles sexyman edgeworth. here to summon the queen herself.
"Mr elias buttshart ur under arrest for trying to build bigger ben, aka a clock in a different town. which is illegal because we're british and we have weird laws"
"whar no i wouldnt do that guys guys i wouldnt do that just trust me bro i would never build a clock in a different town"
"sounds like something a guy who built a clock in a different town would say"
"ok its settled then lets summon the queen because in this universe obama will personally smite you if you leave the light in the car on because op genuinely thought that's how the law worked when she was a kid"
suddenly, all eight hundred and thirty seven members of the band queen rise up from out of thin air along with a giant piece of text in comic sans that just says "the". then, in surprise, elias' eyes grew two hairy hairy legs and walked away. yippee
"AAAAHHH OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK MY EYES HELP ME" then elias dieded and the mrbeat cutout is the new head of the mangus institue so now everyone has a million dollar yacht or something and now the archive guys can quit if they want. but they can keep the yacht ofc.
everytbing seemed fine...for neow.