the beginning
It was a normal,quiet day in bumfuck,mondstadt. Albedo had found this mysterious cave a week earlier after hearing complaints about weird noises by nearby residents(by that i mean a singular ant)
Albedo had been doing research on various plants and stuff around the area of...literally just nothing. the plants were strangely in the colour of the bisexual pride flag but thats all the interesting and important things albedo knew about this cave.
until now.
he was just doing random things,messing around, doing a little trolling, if you will. suddenly he gets a call from his ex, childe. ignore the fact they dont know eachother.
"hey bby wanna go to walmart togerther"
"childe,we broke up 69 years ago. please get over it."
"b-but.. walmart"
"I DONT WANT TO GO TO FUCKING WALMART WITH YOUR CHUUYA NAKAHARA LOOKIN ASS NOW PLEASE STOP CALLING ME TWICE A WEEK"
after that,he threw the phone at that area of literally just nothing. which was the event that opened pandora's box.
after THAT,a weird greenish blue circle appeared, albedo couldn't help but stare in shock. his crystal teal orbs stare in awe at the elongated orb as it swirled around. he felt his mind turning to mush watch it as though he was a toddler at an applebees whose parents gave it a crusty tablet with cocomelon playing on it so they could avoid being parents.
"hey bby r u ok"
"i feel like morty from rick and morty......"
"wouldnt you be rick.."
before albedo could come up with a witty answer,a weird ugly grey thing popped out of the oval,landing with a thud right on his face. the blond alchemist turned his attention to this..thing.
"what the fuck is that." they both say at the same exact time because why tf not.
the phone was still across the...room? childe was still calling,but he couldnt see what was happening.
"what's what thing? albedo you shouldnt judge people about their appearances"
"funnily enough ChIuLD i didnt DO THAT UNTIL I STARTED DATING YOU. YOU'RE ENTIRELY TO BLAME"
"i WAS ALSO TALKING ABOUT THE OTHER GUY GENIUS"
"WHAT IS THIS WEIRD GUY, YOUR MOIRAIL?"
"stop yelling also what in the Ventis green fuck is a moirail"
"YOU ASK ME WHAT A GODDAMN MOIRAIL IS AS IF IT ISNT FUCKING OBVIOUS AND THEN GO ON ABOUT STARBUCKS AND TABLES OR SOME SHIT LIKE I UNDERSTAND THAT SHIT EITHER?? MAKE IT MAKE FUCKING SENSE."
"PLEASE JUST STOP YELLING ALREADY"
"I CANT FUCKING HELP IT"
"CAN YOU AT LEAST STOP SWEARING"
"I CANT HELP THAT EITHER"
immediately car cat takes his trusty cummodore 69 from the void and beats albedo upside the head with it. repeatedly.
"ow"
albedo takes his sword and swings it at the mischeivous thing. they fight.
after a little more fighting,more grey things appear from the portal. Albedo leaves childe to just look at the chaos and then runs out of the cave to notify the knights of favonious
luckily theyre perfectly content cramming themselves in a small cave, giving albedo the perfect opprotunity to tell his colleages about...whatever the fuck just happened
"GUYS THE CAVE. I ACCIDENTALLY THREW MY PHONE AT IT BECAUSE THAT STUPID FATUI GUY WONT STOP CALLING ME AND THEN A WEIRD GREY THING CAME OUT OF IT AND THEN I FOUGHT THE GREY THING AND MORE CAME OUT OF THE PORTAL AND THE WHOLE CAVE IS INFESTED WITH THEM AND-"
"shit. albedo got durin'd again someone call the traveler"
"we cant theyre in khanri'ah or however the fuck its spelled"
suddenly some random knight dude busts in
"guys, there's a bunch of grey people with orange horns outside the gates that want to be let in."
"how many?
"uh...128. I got Huffman to count."
"SEE I TOLD YOU cdvbxfn v I DIDNT GET DURIN'D"
"ok then *insert generic knight name here* just give them these pamphlets about various places in teyvat and they'll leave us alone. its not like any more will come out of the portal"
meanwhile,in 1600s salem, massachusetts, a lone woman named Yeneli smelly Nelly(or y/n for short), sits modestly on her modest chair in her modest house in her modest town. her modest neighbors modestly walk modestly towards modest Smelly Yeneli and her modest house. Y'know cuz they're...puritans?
"greetings, Yeneli. Would you be so delighted to come over to our modest residency for a nice modest meal of boiled spinach?"
Y/N didn't want to offend her neighbors who so graciously and modestly invited her to their house for her least favorite food in the world(who would blame her?). but she didn't want to be accused of being a witch,so she agreed.
"oh yes mr and mrs Fartlington! I would love to go for some modest boiled spinach! may i be so modest to request that my modest parents accompany us to your fine modest residency! May i also bring my 18 very modest brothers and sisters along? i promise they're the most modest indeed."
"oh we'd be modestly delighted! Speaking of which,we have a modest son whose about your modest age who's very modest,indeed."
"well that's just delightful! i'll have to modestly notify my modest parents and then we'll all modestly walk over to your modest residency wearing appropriate modest attire ,and bring some modest corn bread"
At the modest dinner,Y/N tries to gulp down the limp,sad boiled spinach. However,her face contorts uncontrollably in discomfort from having to eat something so slimy and depressing. and she wasn't showing it modestly either,so the Fartlingtons and her family stare at her in awe. they had never seen anything so immodest before because they're puritans and puritans are dumb stinky idiots.
Eventually,Mrs. Fartlington goes over to Matthew Modest,the leader of the puritans. and tells him to burn her at the steak tommorow morning because she doenst like her modest boiled spinach,and is therefore immodest,possessed by the devil,and should die an excruciating, geographically-and-kinda-historically-innacurate, horrifically painful death.
the end.
or is it?