Tu Pars, Je Pars
Walburga can go fuck herself.
Yeah, Regulus said it. Well, not aloud, never out loud, but still.
Barty and Evan had gotten up to defensively stand behind Regulus, not too close to have made Walburga feel threatened because god knows they might as well just give up and start digging their own graves now if she got that impression, but close enough to hover and make sure he was alright. He appreciated it, even if they couldn’t really do anything about it.
They all had parents here and they all had expectations they were under. Maybe except Barty, as his father was off doing regular political things elsewhere, but that in itself was another completely complicated story.
Pandora’s mum had died when she was young and her father was somewhere about with his new mistress, no doubt and most likely forgetting Pandora’s existence entirely from the moment they arrived. Regulus only knew Pandora’s mother briefly and out of all of their shitty parents, he would argue she was the best of them. Not perfect in the very least, but better, or at least she was.
Evan’s parents were around as well, most likely talking it up with some other rotten influential figures, exchanging a ridiculous amount of handshakes and ingenuine smiles. Regulus knew two sides of the Rosier family, the side that his family spoke of and the reputation held within their society of sorts, and then the side that Evan would rarely disclose to him late at night in the security of the Hogwarts dorms, complaining over threats and coming back to school with his head down, sporting bruises here and there after specific holidays.
He and Evan were similar that way. Outside of Andromeda and Sirius and sometimes Narcissa, when she wasn’t in a mood, Evan was the only one that really got it . They didn’t talk about it much but they both knew it was true.
So yeah, Walburga can go fuck herself.
Along with all the other parents that were selfish enough to have kids.
“He is not your brother, I do not understand why you keep referring to him as such and even so, why you insisted on inviting him here to make an embarrassment out of you and more importantly, this family .” His mother hissed at him, narrowing her eyes in disgust when talking about Sirius, “ especially tonight.”
Regulus had heard this all before. Don’t talk to Sirius. He’s not your brother. He’s not welcome here. But everytime, some twisted part of her had allowed it to happen just so she could complain about it and yell at Regulus for it all over again.
“Ridiculous,” She scoffed loudly and then quieted as a woman with her husband passed by them, arm in arm.
Regulus had to control the urge to roll his eyes. Ridiculous, indeed.
Walburga gave the couple a fake smile and went on berating Regulus for any half-reason she could find. “You know what tonight means for us. For me.”
After a while, she gave out, save a few ill mannered looks down her nose at Barty and Evan and a faint scoff at Pandora who was picking at her glove, rejoining Orion in accepting compliments on their house and attire, their gracious invitations and how perfectly excellent they were in raising such a well mannered son. Frankly, that last bit made Regulus want to vomit.
Regulus turned around and nodded his friends off, though the tension and warriness still lingered between all of them. He sat down next to Pandora again, leaning his head on her shoulder and letting his eyes flutter shut for only a moment. Evan and Barty fell back into easy conversation and minutes had passed, maybe more, before Regulus heard Pandora whispering to him.
“êtes-vous bien?”
He blinked open his eyes, shrugged and nodded once.
Barty soon took up to fixing Pandora's hair again, though he wasn’t doing much to help it, just coiling her falling curls around his finger as if to revive them, then letting his hand drop to where she was practically nipping at her glove to threads.
“If you don’t stop now, you won’t have a glove left to play at.” He chuckled and rested his chin on the top of her head.
She mumbled something softly before he rolled himself off and she leaned her head on top of Regulus’, so that they were stacked like two puzzle pieces fitting perfectly together.
They stayed like that for a while. Or at least that’s what it felt like.
Time seemed to draw out and mush together and it felt like a lifetime had passed of chattering people and clinking of glasses before he turned to the clock to see that only ten minutes had passed, barely that. And it was only a matter of time past that, that Regulus’ thoughts drifted to James.
The party felt void without him, empty in a way that made colours dull and the noises sound like nails on steel. Everything in him itched to see him again, even just to ignore him and roll his eyes when James predictably came up to say something he thought was witty, but like always, there was something stopping him. Something that came without a face and without a name, and it plagued him constantly.
“Allons-nous en parler?” Regulus could feel Pandora’s jaw move as she asked casually, like she could read his thoughts. By now he figured he wouldn’t even be surprised if she could.
“Non.”
“Pourquoi agis-tu comme ça? Qu'est-il arrivé?” She persisted anyway.
“Nous nous sommes juste embrassés” He sighed, “and I’m not acting like anything.”
“Well, I figured that much on my own actually but I meant what happened after that had you all on edge? And something did happen, I can tell.” She lifted her head to give a pointed look at Regulus, nudging her shoulder to get his attention when he didn’t look back at her. He could feel her eyes about to roll and he refused to give her the satisfaction of her knowing he knew she was right.
“Wait wait, what has Regulus on edge?” The sound of Barty’s voice came in from behind them, “How much you wanna bet it’s Potter.” He turned to his friend beside him and Regulus couldn’t help but pick up on Evan's silence.
“What has me on edge is why you were being such a dick earlier.” He said without any real fire behind the words and without looking back at him.
“Me?”
“Yes, you.”
“Oi, come on, I was just messing around.” Barty argued a weak defence as the three of them all turned around to glare unappeased at him with raised eyebrows.
Technically, Regulus hadn’t told them what happened between him and James, nor about anything he felt about it but after years of practice, his friends sort of got good at being able to see right through him without him having to utter a single word. It was infuriating and comforting all at once. But to be fair, there wasn’t much left up to the imagination with what happened between him and James, it was easy enough to guess and they weren’t idiots.
“Evan, come sit with me,” Pandora lifted her arm out and made a coaxing motion with her hand, “Regulus, move.”
“No.” He let his head sink down against her shoulder again in defiance.
“It’s alright, Dora, I prefer Regulus anyways, even when he's a moody little shit, isn’t that right?” He grinned, flopping down on the other end of the lounge, kicking his feet up on Regulus’ legs like he’d done to him earlier. Regulus scoffed (which he supposed only proved Evan’s point) as Pandora stuck out her tongue at him and Evan did so back. Evan was the only one who ever called her Dora.
“Where do I sit?” Barty quipped, acting in offence that he was the last one standing.
“You don’t, you stand. You have two legs, use them.” Evan waved his friend off almost clippedly but from beside him, Regulus could see how his eyes were bright again.
“What if I cut off my legs, Rosier, would you give up your seat for me then?” He sank down level to the lounge’s back with arms spread across it.
Evan held his eye and waited a minute before answering a quick, “No.”
“Qu'en est-il de la fête- I mean- So what about this party, are we going or?” Pandora corrected herself as she adjusted to address the other boys as well as just Regulus.
“No.” Regulus decided with enough confidence that it could’ve been a well thought unanimous decision other than the exact antithesis of what every bone in his body wanted to say. But every bone in his body was stupid and ached for a boy he just met. His brain was stronger and knew better, knew it was better this way, so clearly, the latter won.
“I’m in but if we’re going we should go sooner than later, you know.” Evan replied, resting his cheek on the palm of his hand, arm propped up on the back of the lounge. His face pulled into a grimace, gesturing towards the bustle of people still around them. The rest of them seemed to agree with him.
“If Evan’s in, I’m in.” Barty also announced from behind, “This one’s a drag anyway. You can only have so much fucking champagne.”
“Alright, that's the three of us, and mainly because the inside of this dress is itching me and partially because I’m bored. Reg?” Pandora circled back to him hopefully.
“No.”
She opened her mouth to say something but decided against it.
The room still teemed with stale life, the same people going through the same three motions over and over and over again. The polite hellos, the compliments of the decedent venue, and the forced laughs that made Regulus’ ears hurt and his cheeks hurt worse when it was his turn. The fancy suits and long dresses, the tall flutes of champagne and the tall windows that normally always stayed closed. The heavy velvet curtains drawn and hung, pleated and lazy, just enough so as to not hit the floor. On one of the windows to the far right, the curtain was slightly parted and something hitched briefly in Regulus' breath when it showed a sliver of the garden below.
Yes.
Yes, he wanted to go.
Yes, he wanted to see him.
But Regulus was never good at saying what he meant, less so in doing what he really wanted.
He listened to the stickly sweet strain of classical jazz music and he could already feel his brian start to pace a little faster. Things that came and went without any real process of what they were, so many things, so many things he needed to do, needed to deal with, but through it all, it left him quite blank. Helpless to do any of them. He thought of James. He thought of all the reasons why he shouldn’t have indulged in the idea of ever letting himself give in to him. He thought of his parents. He thought about their announcement, about being named heir. About what comes after. He thought about his yet another failed attempt to leave. He thought of Sirius, of their talk on the roof. He worried about what he was doing at the other party, he always worried. He thought about what would happen if he left tonight. He thought about what would happen if he didn't. He thought and thought. He thought about the garden and the stars. Beautiful stars. Beautiful rose bushes. Beautiful boy sitting across from him on a cold stone bench, smiling at him like he hung the fucking sun, moon, and stars in the sky.
“I need some air.” he murmured as he pushed Evan’s legs off of him and started to stand, sure that half of his words got lost in the noise.
“Where are you going?” One of them asked, probably Evan. Maybe Pandora. Barty would’ve found a way to swear so it wasn’t him.
“Upstairs.”
He pushed past people as politely as he knew to be, faking a smile and muttering the low, “excuse me sir”, “pardon me, madame”, under his breath. His mother wouldn’t be happy for his repeated disappearance but he couldn’t be bothered and he just hoped this was one of the times where she wouldn’t notice, where she simply forgot he existed.
With his head down, Regulus made it across the room and turned the corner to the stairs. His feet led him there instinctively, keeping his steps light and quick to avoid attention from Kreacher.
He was headed to his own room but to no surprise, he found himself at Sirius’ door again. He turned the knob without preamble and shut it behind him, pacing back and forth, rubbing his hands against the side of his face before taking his usual route to the window. He crawled out onto the open space which felt more empty than usual now that Sirius was gone again, it hadn’t felt this empty in a long time, not since he’d gone the first time, he supposed.
The air was colder now but still in the way it is in late summer, but enough for Regulus to tuck his hands under his arms away from the chill.
He recycled old thoughts and conclusions, old worries and lists of things that needed to be dealt with and yet, somehow, he was thinking about James again.
About how the way James’ favourite season was summer just made sense and how he loved Halloween. How his glasses fit his face perfectly and how his smile made his insides do flips. How James stopped to smell the roses and chased after Regulus when he started walking away, always so eager to stay close by. How Regulus had so much more he wanted to tell James, so much more he wanted to hear. How Regulus wished more than anything to see how the corners of James’ lips turned up easily without shame or hesitation.
Regulus painted the image in his head, stupid and childlike. James at his bedroom door or even on the other side of this very glass window, tapping, knocking to get his attention. Regulus would ignore him but eventually, he’d give in and he’d open up. James would smile and his eyes would light up with the light of a thousand stars and Regulus would bite the inside of his mouth to keep from smiling back in awe, and then James would find the words Regulus had once given to him. He’d cup his hand to Regulus’ cheek and say, Hey, it was enchanting to meet you .
But no, James was at some party doing who knows what and Regulus was still here.
Always still right here.
Alone.
He shook the silly daydream from himself and scolded himself for it, he had more important things to worry about than stupid James Potter, his brother’s bestfriend (he reminded). Unfortunately, everything else in him disagreed.
He sat on the section of roof, letting the back of his head hit the outside wall behind him, sighing heavily.
Suddenly, another thought hit him, something he hadn’t even registered. Images of what James’ life might look like outside of this night flashed before him. Had he dated in the past? Surely he’d done stuff in school but how far? With who? Did Regulus know her? Had he ever been in love? Did James have a pretty girl waiting for him back at home? Back at school? Was he in love? Did Sirius know her? How could he have not told him? What if he met someone new? Regulus was sinking in the infinite possibilities within seconds. Versions of it ran through his head, James kissing some random person at the new party. James going home to call up his possible ex-girlfriend to tell her he’s sorry and he missed her and about what a wild night he’d had. What a horrid thought, one that made Regulus a little ill to think about.
He inhaled the night air sharply, knocking his head back and forth on the wall, repeating desperately in his head.
Please don’t be in love with someone else.
Please don’t have somebody waiting on you.
Please let this be more.
Please.
See, this is where it got complicated. Despite everything, Regulus genuinely likes James. It's cruel and unfair but he does, which is why he needed it to stop. He knows better. Disregarding his daydreams and desperation, he knows better. He knows that no matter how much he longs for it, it won’t last. If not for something now, it’ll be another thing later on.
This will all be a memory for James, something fleeting that he won’t even think about in the next passing weeks. Or even if it is, what then? James will grow tired of Regulus, once he really gets to know him. Once he knows him past one night. And of course, there's still the lingering dreadful fact that James is Sirius’ best friend. Which would make the entire thing more painful on the both of them, regardless of what Pandora continued to reassure.
Better to quit while he’s ahead anyway. Because Regulus is a parasite. Nothing lasts with him, eventually, all good things turn to rot under his touch.
The kiss was a mistake. He’d let himself taste what he knew he could have and now he must pay the price.
Now Regulus gets to sit here on his brother’s roof alone, arguing with himself over too many things to name.
A little while later, he heard the bedroom door open and shut. Habit brought his shoulders back and his body tensed, stopping his lungs and heart in place for a good minute, but it faded the instant he cancelled out the chance of his mother’s footsteps.
“Piss off.” He said loudly enough so the guest inside would hear.
“Fuck off, I’m here to check up on you.” Evan’s voice grew nearer as he pushed open the window further and straddled the sill, a leg hung on either side.
“I didn’t ask you to.”
“And I didn’t ask to have a drama queen for a best friend but here we are,” He joked lightly, “and would you look at that, we’re both secretly cool with it.”
“Piss off.” He repeated with less intent this time because, hey, wasn’t that the truth? “I thought Pandora would make it first, though.”
“Disappointed?” He smiled. Regulus shook his head genuinely before he continued, Evan twitching around to try and get comfortable.
“So, why are we out here and not on our way to a party right now? What's up with you and loverboy?” He clasped his hands and folded them in his open lap, “Or did I completely read this wrong and this is just you being incredibly extra moody today.”
Regulus rolled his read on the outer wall to give Evan an annoyed look.
“Look if you’re upset, rightfully so, that whole presentation earlier with your parents was fucked up and I know you usually go to Pandora with this stuff but I’m not an idiot, Reg, and despite your denial, I know you’re going through shit.” Regulus watched as his friend shrugged his shoulders, looking off into the night sky. “Trust me, I get it.”
Something tugged at his chest as he listened to Evan’s words, something small inside him that yearned to be seen, something that pleaded with every instinctive urge to run away, to smother it and deny it. Because yeah, despite what Regulus said or the thoughts that intruded his brain late at night, maybe he was seen. Maybe he could be seen. Maybe by just an inch beneath the surface and maybe only by very few people but that alone was more than he could’ve ever expected to begin with.
“I know.” Regulus sighed along with him.
Because with so few people who got it, Evan did.
“So which is it?”
“Huh?”
“Personal shit or Romeo shit?”
“I don’t know. Both.” He rolled his head back around to let his eyes wander the dark sky, purposefully ignoring the fact that Evan called James Romeo shit and Loverboy in less than the span of five minutes.
They both waited in silence for a bit, Evan waiting patiently, not pushing but letting Regulus the space to come to him. When he predicibly didn’t, Evan spoke up again, looking around the room on the other half of the sill.
“Does Sirius have any cigarettes stashed in here?”
“Air vent above the closet. The screw should still be loose.” Regulus instructed, “I replace them but they’re probably still pretty old though. There should be a lighter as well.”
Evan dipped under the window, swinging his leg over and quickly found his way over to the closet, standing on the empty chair beside it, left specifically for this purpose. Not that he really needed it to reach anyway. There was the familiar quiet pop of the air vent and then another after he retrieved the pack, leaving everything how he found it.
With a cigarette already in between his teeth, Evan returned to his spot in the window, lighter and the rest of the pack in hand. He gestured and offered Regulus the box, sliding it down the sill and letting it sit between them while he lit his own.
Regulus eyed the pack for a while, letting his mind continue to run. It wasn’t that he didn’t smoke, because he did, it’s just that-
He took one from the pack and held it between his fingers.
Evan looked at him a bit funny with a tilted grin as he passed him the lighter, offering once to light it for him but Regulus just shook his head. He flicked the lighter once and then again and again when it refused to light. It was old, it was Sirius’ and had been for years, left here with everything else. After a minute of grumbling under his breath and violently flicking the lighter under his thumb, it lit and the bright orange glow from the flame warmed his face, shielding it with his other hand.
He inhaled and let it sit and then let it out, watching how it looked in the dark.
Evan did the same, playing with the old lighter just to see if it would light again. It always did, in the end, even if it took a while.
His head felt a little dizzy and Regulus could’ve just sworn it was from all the things running laps inside it, but either way he tried to calm it. Speak to it and tell it to obey, to stop feeling like that and to put it away. Eventually, it blurred away, humming into a mellow buzz into the background, but still there.
See, that was the problem.
Those types of things worked for Evan and Barty, and frankly, maybe a little too well for Sirius at times, but they never seemed to work for Regulus. Maybe it had to do with how he was wired, the way maybe Sirius was wired for it in ways most people weren’t and the way he was wired against it the way most people were, he’d never know. So that’s probably the biggest reason as to why Regulus doesn’t drink or do drugs. Regulus hates the way he feels.
He’s not unfamiliar with self-hatred but something about it, the disorienting aftermath of it all and the way he feels so far away, like he’s swimming out of his depth where he can’t touch the bottom, it drives a bit insane and not in the good way.
The first couple times he tried drinking was because of Sirius. Parties and all that, too. Regulus envied how it fed him like an escape, how Sirius seemed so carefree all the time, how he never seemed scared or worried. He wanted that relief, he wanted not to care. He really really really just didn’t want to be the way he was anymore. So Regulus tried it
But he soon learned it didn't work for him.
Sirius once told him that it made all the bad thoughts go away for him, like the world fell into a quiet that was too good to pass up, but for Regulus, it did the opposite. It only made it worse.
It only made the bad thoughts louder. It made him more anxious, more paranoid, more terrified, more out of control. His fingers would grow numb and his body would start to ache in ways that made his brain almost explode, overthinking and stressing the smallest things out of the ordinary, sinking in all the things that could go wrong. The voice in his head screaming he’s not good enough becoming more prominent, taking shape and form. The music would make his chest throb and people would bump into him and it was like he could feel a thousand hands on him, hear a thousand hearts beating, pushing him in and out of himself and yet dragging him so far down that he couldn’t breathe.
Honestly, he sometimes wished it worked for him like it did for others, he wished he could have an escape, he wished he could allow himself to but Regulus found that maybe the easier way was to just bear it.
But it wasn’t like smoking a cigarette was going to do anything.
He took another drag and felt Evan watching him again, his eyes blinking holes into the side of his head. He didn’t turn to face him or acknowledge it, instead he looked out at the sky. Not looking for anything this time, just letting his eyes gaze up at the familiar nothingness as he thought about Sirius. About his parents. About his future. About leaving. About not leaving. About James.
Regulus came up blank for all of them.
“I’m sorry about Barty, you know, earlier.” He found himself apologising softly, inhaling and exhaling and watching the thin smoke disappear into the air in front of him.
“Don’t. There's nothing for you to apologise for.” Evan’s shook his head but his voice hesitated and Regulus could hear how it stiffened just a bit as it left his mouth.
“I know but I’m saying it anyway.”
Evan hit his head gently against the raised sill behind him and smiled weakly, a tinge of unadmitted hurt ridden in his voice that made Regulus’ heart twist, “That’s just Barty, you know.”
Regulus was never good with reassuring people or comforting or talking about things like this, probably due to a childhood lacking of said things, but then again, Evan wasn’t the type of person who’d ever say he needed it, and the same way back. They just knew and that's kind of the saddest part, he supposed.
“So about Romeo?” He cleared his throat, stubbing out the last end of his cigarette on the wall where his leg swung on the outside, changing the conversation back around. “Talk.”
“Nothing to talk about.” Regulus ducked his head and took one of the few last drags he still had just to keep himself busy, well aware of the topic reversal.
“Does that mean I need to start guessing? Because you don’t even want to know how creative I can get.” He laughed when Regulus groaned in annoyance.
“You hang out with Barty too much.”
“Or maybe he just hangs out too much with me.” He opposed playfully, but Regulus recognised the brightness fading into a soft bruise, still aching from the previous mentions of it. He wished he could fix it but Barty was the only one who could really do that.
“Fair point.”
For a long while, Regulus sat there with his knees level to his chest and debated saying anything at all because honestly, yeah, maybe it might be good to talk about it, to let it out and have someone to bounce things off of. Whether that was Pandora or Evan or even Barty, or hell even Sirius, but each time he came close, a sick feeling tightened around his throat and he could never manage it. The words were there but they just never came.
And when they did, a twisted acidic feeling pooled up afterwards and screamed at him.
Weak.
Pathetic.
Burden.
He stubbed out the end of his own cigarette and flicked it off the roof, not bothered enough to see where it landed.
“What are you actually facing?” Regulus asked the question they’d asked one another many times before, whether it was sneaking phone calls late at night or in their dorms at school on early mornings before holidays because neither of them could sleep.
“Same as I said, maybe a nine.” He replied easily, still flicking the lighter cap, “You?”
He glanced over at his friend and Evan’s face drained of humour, waiting for Regulus’ answer after a couple beats of no response.
“I wasn’t lying, Evan. They’ll never get over this.” Regulus admitted, sort of wishing for another cigarette to have something to do with his hands, “Not with the announcement, not tonight.”
Evan swung his other leg over and ducked under the glass, carefully finding his way onto the roof without falling and crouching down against the wall next to Regulus, scooting around to get comfortable before saying simply with every ounce of Evan Rosier confidence, “Then we won’t go.”
Regulus nodded hesitantly and believed him.
“But, you want to?”
He stayed still, blinking at the dark tiles of the roof, when Evan continued on.
“Look, you don’t have to talk about it with me, I can go get Pandora, but what’s going on with you and Potter? Really?”
“I kissed him.” Regulus admitted gracelessly.
“Oh, shit.” He breathed out slowly and let it marinate between them, as if they both didn’t know he knew.
“Fuck off, you knew.” Regulus scowled and grumbled lightheartedly, folding his hands on top of his knees.
“Yeah, I knew.” Evan smiled which led into a laugh and even through the dark, Regulus couldn’t help but feel like it was a good omen.
“Was he a shit kisser, then?” He offered, clearly trying to make sense of what was so wrong with that.
“No,” Regulus shook his head firmly because god knows that wasn’t the case at all. “No, it’s just that, you know, I only just met him and-” He attempted, feeling the tightness already starting to form around his voice, the overwhelming heat on the back of his neck begging him to shut up.
“And, it didn’t mean anything.” He breathed out, already feeling a little sick from such a mild confession.
“To him or you?”
Regulus didn’t respond, staying quiet for another minute, “Give me another cigarette.”
Evan gave him another look before chuckling under his breath and reaching for the pack, pulling one out to light, “Okay then.”
Regulus didn’t respond, taking the cigarette gratefully to his lips with slightly numb fingers, then held it back out to his friend. Evan took it back and breathed in and out a steady stream of smoke that looked mesmerising as it curled and whipped thinly into the air. They stayed there, passing it between each other casually, heads rested back against the wall, letting the late summer night exist around them. Soft sounds from the street over leaked onto the roof, giving proof that they weren’t the only ones there, that life still existed outside of The Black Family walls. It was comforting and Regulus felt a soft tug in his chest to go see more of it.
Evan held out his hand for the end of the cig, letting Regulus get another good go in, before inhaling whatever was left and putting it out on the roof tiles.
Regulus looked up, turning his face away as he spoke, feeling the way the words grew sticky in his throat as he forced them out into the open, “It was a mistake.”
Because he’ll wake up tomorrow and forget this. Because he’ll grow sick of me. Because I don’t think I’ll recover from that. Because I’ll ruin him and I’ll hate myself for it. Because he doesn’t even know me and even if he got to know me, he’d realise it soon enough, so this is just me saving us both the trouble. Because I’m so confused. Because I’m too scared. The rest of what he couldn’t bring himself to continue.
“ and he’s Sirius’ bestfriend.” He added like someone guilty, desperate in making a half convincing last effort to prove his point to a jury.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Well, from the looks of both of you, it didn’t seem like a mistake.” Evan nudged his shoulder in an eerie way that reminded him of Sirius, “I can’t put my finger on it exactly but I’ve never seen you so- so-” Clearly searching for something. Regulus gave him a don’t-you-dare-say-something-sappy-like-happy-or-in-love-or-I’ll-smack-you look and he laughed in defeat, abandoning the sentence altogether but giving him a returning look that said you-know-what-i-mean.
“I’m scared.” He tried again and this time, turning away and pushing past the bitter feeling because he needed to say it outloud, at least once if only that. “I’m scared of so much. With James, Sirius, my parents, my- fuck- my future. I’m scared that if I go, I’ll regret it, and if I stay, I’ll regret it.”
“I just,” He bit the inside of his mouth because the guilt and fear of saying too much was setting in all too soon. “I just really don’t want it to be a mistake.”
Evan listened and waited gently before speaking again.
“It’s only one night, Regulus, whatever you want to do, just, let it happen. Try not to worry about all the other stuff right now because I know you’re thinking it. We’ll figure it out, we always do. You’ll never know unless you try, until you do it, and hey, as far as Romeo is concerned, he might just surprise you.” A smile twinkling across his cheeks as he leaned in like he was sharing a secret, “and between you and me, I don’t think Sirius would even mind that much.”
Regulus almost smiled, no he did, and he laughed a little too. The shakiness in his hands, that he hadn’t even known was there, suddenly disappeared. “You know, that's exactly what Pandora said.”
“She better watch out, I think I’m getting pretty good at this advice shit. I might take her place, who knows.” He teased, still flicking the lighter absentmindedly in his hand.
“Hey, if it all goes to shit or it turns out it was a mistake, we can sic Barty on him, on all of them, I don’t give a shit who’s best friend he is.”
“He’d set the entire place to flames, no questions asked.”
Evan chuckled and then laughed a little harder, a certain smile that always seemed to fit his face whenever he spoke about Barty etching itself together, and Regulus smiled and laughed too because they both knew it was true.
From down below, the late night street noises drowned them out but in that moment, an invisible wall seemed to have fallen. One once built from the property lines scaling up overhead, being deconstructed brick by brick over time with a nervous hand, leaving cracks and open holes in the side, hinting at what was on the other side.
But suddenly it was gone and the air was warm and the rest of the city welcomed and laughed along with them.
Pandora and Barty eventually found their way up into Sirius’ old room, joining Evan and Regulus from the window sill, Pandora too scared to venture out to the roof and settled for leaning back between Barty’s legs as he smoked away the majority of the pack. She took over Evan’s hobby of testing the lighter over and over until the smallest sparks appeared, eyes glittering when it did, only nearly catching her hair on fire once.
Regulus was admittedly feeling a bit better, deciding almost completely (after constant pictures of James continued to flood through his mind) that he, in fact, wanted to go to the other party. The thoughts were still there on replay on the back burner of his mind but Evan was right. Just one night. He’ll never know unless he tried. And he had to know.
Barty was making fun of some woman he saw downstairs who, in his own words, had decided to wear Jupiter’s rings on her head in place of a hat, which he’d found hilarious until Regulus corrected him that he’d meant Saturn’s rings. They all started laughing and Barty cursed them all out which didn’t help his case in the slightest.
Regulus listened to his friends talk and if he was honest, there was nothing he liked to do better than sit and watch his friends simply exist around him. Sometimes he worried that if he blinked for long enough, they would all disappear and he’d be alone again but time after time, when he opened his eyes, they were always there.
Evan and Pandora were arguing over something insignificant when Regulus abruptly shushed them, getting a sinking still feeling in the pit of his stomach, one he knew all too well. They all froze as he listened for the footsteps that echoed down the corridor outside Sirius’ door. The party’s music was still going but muffled through the floor enough for them to hear a knock echo into the room. It wasn’t from the door in front of them but it was coming from close enough for Regulus’ brain to instantly place the echo.
Shit.
Without a word, they all shuffled back into the room, helping each other silently climb over the sill, listening as the sounds of footsteps grew nearer and nearer, quicker this time than the last.
Regulus brushed out his shirt and coat the best he could, Pandora instantly going to straighten his tie. Evan waving out any trace of smoke before shutting the window silently so the click was muffled by his sleeve and Barty taking one last drag before practically spitting the exhale out of the window before it fully closed, stubbing out the cigarette on the sole of his shoe as to not leave any marks on the wooden furniture or the floor. Pandora took the pack, now a bit light from lack of contents, and tucked it back into the air vent without too much of a sound. All in the matter of seconds before they braced themself for the knock, breathing kept under control with no trace of them being any different.
The four of them were accustomed to this, skilled at it, which Regulus might’ve found exhilarating if the reason for it didn’t frighten him as much as it did.
The knock never came just the stark turn of the door knob before Walburga swung open the door, a sour look on her face as she scanned the room, like it was foriegn to her. Like it wasn’t her own son’s room, Regulus bit at the back of his mind.
“Regulus.” She stated his name like a demand, turning to send a well practised fake smile at his friends. “Why aren’t you downstairs? Ugh, really, I haven’t the slightest why you insisted on, on preserving-”
She cut herself off bitterly like she wouldn’t bear to formulate the words in her mouth which sparked a fit of anger somewhere lost inside of Regulus. He said nothing.
“There is a man you’d do well to meet and we have all been waiting on you .” She continued in subtle harsh undertones, ones that they were all familiar with in some way or another. “Out. Now.” She hissed, pressing the door open wider for Regulus to follow. He did and the others followed him but held back to trail after them, knowing wisely not to get in Walburga’s way.
Regulus sort of tuned out the walk back to the party, resorting to silent nods when his mother started berating him for abandoning the party they threw in his honour and the family’s, and for making his parents look like bad parents. It was for the best, really, because it was hard not to grab her by the shoulders and shout at her that that is exactly what they were, with absolutely no extra help from him. But he said and did nothing.
The room was almost exactly how he left it. People clutching to ingenuine smiles, laughing and drinking from high rimmed glasses. Men telling exaggerated stories and toasting to new business deals they’d probably regret the next morning. Music seeping in and mixing with the air, intoxicating them all into some hazy version of a good time. Or maybe they were having a good time, maybe it was just Regulus who remained persistently miserable.
His mother dragged him roughly by the hand through the crowd, which spread easily for Madame Black, lady of the house, like a sea parting in two. “Mr. Riddle, may I introduce my one and only son, my heir , Regulus Arcturus Black.”
Just as he thought he was over it, those two words made him feel gross all over again.
My heir.
“Mr. Black.” The man in front of him, Mr. Riddle, addressed formally.
Regulus’ back stood stiff and his arms hung at his sides in an elegant fashion he was trained in and a belittling stare he inherited from his mother, bowing his head ever so, and replying in turn, “Mr. Riddle.”
“Tom Riddle is a highly respected and very successful man and he has made us an extraordinary business offer, one which we will further discuss behind closed doors but,” Walburaga’s words trailed off as Regulus stopped listening. It wasn’t like she was actually talking to him anyway.
Regulus noticed that Riddle looked only a little older than Andromeda, maybe by only two or three years at most. He wore an expensive black suit and dark leather gloves that hid away his hands, with a tall glass in one, but what caught Regulus’ attention was the green and bronze coloured locket that hung around Riddle’s neck by a silver chain. It looked almost like a jewel, embellished with silver inlaying. It was weird, like having a relapse in memory or something, like somewhere, somehow he’d seen it before. A weird set of chills came over him as he averted his eyes away, not about to be caught staring.
Riddle and his parents spoke for a while, all the while mentioning him as if he wasn’t there at all, only there to stand and make an appearance, as proof to whatever Walburga and Orion decided to come up with. Regulus hated it, he’d hated it ever since he could remember and it was almost comedic how predictable it’d become.
Every once in a while during the conversation, more so whenever a lie was told or a half truth or practically any aspect of their lives was shared, Regulus would be held in a glance. A quick fleeting stare held between him and his father or him and his mother, lasting only a second but held nonetheless. So much said in a single stare but not like the ones he shared with Sirius or Pandora or anyone else, this was different. It was a threat. A warning. A reminder. Maybe fear. A stare that bore right through his head and out to the other side like he wasn’t there but in the same motion, one that told him to mind himself. Like a guilty man checking in on his conscience to make sure he won't blab or sell him out short.
“And how does that sound, Mr. Black?” Riddle’s voice came back into frame, forcing Regulus to backtrack to find out what he had asked. Oh right, a new business venture including an apprenticeship, a job of some sorts. Taking him under his wing. Something about his potential and seeking him out.
“Sound’s intriguing.” He replied flatly. A lie but a necessary one.
“Yes, I’m looking forward to speaking about this more.” Riddle offered his hand out, gloved and his voice low and cold, reminding him of his parents but more calculating. Something in it that made Regulus almost twitch at the sound. He didn’t. The cuff of his sleeve where the glove couldn’t reach rolled up slightly at the motion revealing a swirling edge of a tattoo on his forearm, taking shape in what Regulus could only guess was a snake.
There it was again. The chill.
Regulus took his hand despite it, feeling the eyes of his parents weighing him down, burning holes into the back of his skull as if it could bend him to their will.
“Interesting tattoo.” Regulus noted apathetically.
“I’m glad you find it that way.” The man gripped his hand fimly and shook it, eyes studying him carefully and a grin spreading eerily onto his face. One that Regulus did not return as he tore his hand away.
The chill persisted.
Regulus’ mother cleared her throat, no doubt wanting the spotlight again, as Regulus went to take a step back, “It was a pleasure to meet you Mr. Riddle but I’m afraid I must rejoin my friends.” He looked over to his mother who tensed her jaw and glared at him but said nothing against it.
“Regulus, go say hello to your aunt.” She demanded as if to make his exit her idea, waving him off. He played along and nodded and took his leave before he felt a gloved hand catch the back of his arm.
“I do hope you consider my offer, Mr. Black.” Riddle said carefully, letting his grip go as Regulus gathered himself, still inwardly reeling from the weight of his hand. A cold empty feeling left to unfurl in its place. Like insight from another life, a warning.
Regulus scanned him once over with a steady eye and nodded politely, turning on his heel to leave the man with his reply, “Of course.”
He lied. He wouldn’t.
The chill seemed to fade with every step he took away from Riddle and his parents. There was probably some irony to that but he didn’t care to look for it.
Regulus tried to breath, tried to get warm again, but his brain throbbed and started to scatter, unsure of where he was going or what he was doing now, just wanting to get back to Pandora, to Evan, to Barty, to Sirius, and in the very back of his mind, it whispered, to James.
James.
James.
James.
That's it.
Regulus could feel it now, the pull, the choice being made so clearly in his mind now that it seemed unthinkable to court any one of the thousands of others, He needed out. He wanted out. That’s it.
Regulus pushed past people and made the path to the stairs, taking the back way to avoid Kreacher entirely this time, about to turn sharply, without thinking, around the corner when he heard his name being called.
“Reggie- Regulus!” A gritted through teeth sort of whisper but loud enough to be heard above the noise. “Regulus!”
He whipped around and saw Bellatrix and Narcissa leaned up against the end pillar, the former beckoning him over with a single finger. “Regulus, come.”
Regulus sighed and tried his best to silence his brain again, put it on the backburner as it erupted and boiled over so long as no one saw, he gritted a tight lipped smile that didn’t reach his eyes and walked over to them.
“Bella. Narcissa.” He greeted unamused.
“Comment ça va.” Naricssa hummed, fiddling her fingers with the thin black ribbon that fell from where her hair was tied.
“Fine.” He responded orderly but Narcissa held his eye a little longer, not unkindly, just aimlessly searching before returning to her ribbon, glancing at her older sister.
“What? Not happy to see us?” Bellatrix mused.
When Regulus said nothing she continued in a fakely sympathetic, mocking fashion, “Is this about earlier? I’ve forgotten all about it, but you’re forgiven. I just want your best for tonight, you understand?.” She reached out and pinched his cheek between her thumb and index finger, squishing it like he was a small child. Despite having nothing to be forgiven for besides slightly running into her, he said nothing and tugged his face away from her, completely aware and a little more than ashamed to admit to what hearing the words you’re forgiven out loud does to him.
“Mm, I’m sure.” He replied, the flat sarcasm slipping out.
Bellatrix pouted briefly, tsking with her tongue before transforming it into a face that was so scarily alike with the rest of their family, challenging but just a bit more wild, eyes scanning Regulus head from toe. “Whatever happened to the pretty little girl dresses, Reg?”
Narcissa’s eyes widened, letting the ribbon drop from between her fingers, darting to Regulus who didn’t let his gaze falter.
Back burner, he reminded himself, keep it put away.
“I outgrew them.” He said calmly with a coldness only a Black could master.
One that seemed to amuse Bellatrix and yet pleased her in a way where she accepted it and said no more. She pressed herself off of the pillar and folded her arms together, giving him one more run down for good measure. “So, what were you and Riddle talking about?” She questioned eagerly, Narcissa still standing next to her, staring at her like she’d just had Regulus’ head blown off.
“Why do you want to know?” He replied in the same fashion.
Annoyed and probably bored that she wasn’t getting the answer she wanted, she huffed and rolled her eyes, turning to her younger sister, “Je vais rendre visite à maman, tu viens?”
“Non.” Narcissa shook her head, her hair and ribbon swaying along with it.
“Fine.” And Bellatrix disappeared into the crowd, leaving Regulus to stand with his cousin.
As soon as she was gone, Regulus felt it all start to spill again, trying to come undone. Twice in one night, what were the odds. After so many years of it working, after so many times that Regulus has put it away and forgotten it, it’s coming back now. The thing is, if you put a stopper in a bottle for too long, at some point, it’s bound to erupt more explosively. Either that, or it breaks.
Just breathe.
He needs to breathe.
Breathe, he insists, breathe.
He needs out.
He turned around on his heel quickly, making his way to the stairs, only taking a few steps before he realised Narcissa had been guiding him down the corridor instead into a secluded corner of the home library.
“Regulus, hey, it’s me.” Narcissa’s voice floats softly through the air, getting to him muffled but it’s there and he reaches for it. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine, I need to go.”
“Where, Regulus?”
“Cissa, let me go-”
“Regulus-”
Immediately, Narcissa grabs him by the shoulders and sits him down on a cushioned bench that he doesn’t even remember being there, “Regulus. Talk to me.”
Regulus takes a breath to gather himself and then another and another but they’re coming too fast and before he knows it, his head is in his hands and Narcissa is coaxing him up. He isn’t crying, he knows that for a fact. There aren't tears or damp spots in his hands and he isn’t choking on wet hiccuped breaths but maybe it’d be easier if he was, because his insides still feel like they're tearing apart, with or without the physical proof.
“Look, I’m so so sorry for what Bella said, she was- I don’t know why-” She started desperately but Regulus just shook his head.
“I don’t care what she said,” He lifted his eyes, scrubbing the bottom of his face and pushing it back into his hair. His eyes red and dry, almost raw from it. Narcissa tried holding his hands gently, getting him to look at her and slowly getting him to calm down.
“Thank you, Cissa, really but I need to go.” Regulus sighed, breathing semi-evenly now, brushing himself off to try and stand back up.
“Where are you going?” She looked at him in a way that made him remember that she was still his older cousin, a look that made him think that maybe, she might actually care about his answer.
“To see Sirius,” He admitted, because fuck it, if he would say it to anyone, it’d be Narcissa.
And James, his running mind made very clear. To see James.
To get out.
A weak look fell on Narcissa’s face, like instant realisation had dawned on her, as she stared at him. Regulus sighed heavily and sat back down on the bench, resting his chin on his fists, sitting with the consciousness that seemed to be settling with the both of them. Narcissa joined him on the bench, sparing him more than a few longing glances when she thought he hadn’t noticed, and they sat in silence for a while before either or them spoke again.
“You couldn’t come back.”
She looked at him wearily now and Regulus could feel a tightness start to form around his throat again, a different sort but that same sick feeling that made him want to abandon everything and hide away inside himself. Instead, he let the words out, in its simplicity, feeling wrong and misplaced with every syllable.
“I know.”
“Then go,” She said after a long while, with a faint bittersweet smile, holding out her hand patiently to him now that he could bring it to her himself. Waiting for him to take it, “but I mean it, Regulus, if you go, you can’t come back.”
It wasn’t a threat or a taunt. It was a fact and a heartache and the soft crushed, pained tone of her voice told him she understood. Because of course she understood.
“I know.” He repeated and Regulus took her hand, feeling the way his chest started to ache and collapse on itself, his voice sounding weak. Narcissa’s bright eyes blinking evenly, a sad awareness tucked behind them. And then, suddenly, he didn’t want to leave anymore. He wanted to stay and return to his room. Go back to Sirius’ room and crawl onto the roof and wait for another day, put it on the backburner for later. He wanted to stay and wait for something to force him to decide. He didn’t want to leave yet but he needed to. He needed this. He knew it, Sirius knew it, Andromeda knew it, and right now, he knew Narcissa knew it too.
Something took over him, something that he hadn’t felt since he was a little kid, and he lunged forward and gave her a hug, which she sunk into and held him tightly, stroking his hair and back softly. That alone was enough to bring tears to his eyes and he could already feel the way her lip trembled when she shushed him soothingly. He started to crumble again, but this time, he allowed her to hold him and secretly, he wished she wouldn’t let him go.
Fuck, this was so much harder than he imagined. Why was this so hard? Why did this hurt so terribly?
His whole life here, confined in the walls of this wretched house, flashed before his eyes. Every moment, no matter how horrible and cold the truth of it really was, etched itself into his mind and made him want to stay. To stay where he knew. To stay where he was safe, even if it was a lie.
“I miss you.” Narcissa whispered between faltering breaths, like he was already gone.
Regulus’ eyes were mostly dry now. He’d stayed with Narcissa until there was no trace of puffiness or tear stained redness, for both of their sakes, before parting ways. They talked for a long time about insignificant things to avoid the inevitable, reminiscing on past memories and simply finding things to laugh at because they hadn’t done so in what seemed like a very very long time. They talked about Narcissa’s secret girlfriend and Regulus’ friends, about Sirius and Andromeda, about Ted, about Bella. A little bit about James but Regulus couldn’t bring himself to say more than a few words about it. There were breaks in between where Regulus would doubt himself again and deny his set mind or Narcissa would say something that would have them both on the brink of tears again and she would hold him again and tell him it was okay. “ Hey, don’t be a stranger. ” She’d said with a wet laugh and Regulus couldn’t help but instantly sink into her again. They hadn’t spoken or been this close in years but god, he’d miss her.
There were no promises to write or call and few to ever see each other because they both knew it wouldn’t happen. It could, possibly, but it probably wouldn’t. Maybe once or twice a year at most but other than that, this was it.
This was their little moment of peace, Regulus knew that, a sacred bubble diverged from real life, a good dream starting too late and cutting off too soon. One he wouldn’t get again.
Narcissa kissed him on the cheek and despite the urge to make her stay and beg her childishly for just one more minute before he had to go, he let her. She pulled away and they returned to exchange simple goodbyes. She saved him one last nostalgic glance before she went to leave. She didn’t look back again as she passed through the library door and disappeared into the other room completely.
In that moment, in their rare special moment in time, Regulus doesn’t think he could never stop missing Narcissa.
Now he stood in front of the back door, waiting for his friends to meet him.
Within minutes, he was joined by Barty, Evan, and Pandora, who greeted him with an immediate embrace which he didn’t fully return but he didn’t fight off, glad for the warmth of Pandora’s arms, letting himself melt only for a second more.
“Are we ready to do this?” Barty rubbed his hands together, practically bouncing from leg to leg.
“Regulus?” Evan asked him once more to be sure.
“Rosier?” He bounced back, his hands hidden away under his arms so no one could see how they were still at risk of trembling.
“I'm in if you’re in. Lestrange?” He agreed firmly and passed it on.
“Tu pars, je pars, remember?” Pandora nodded and smiled up at Regulus, an arm now fitted around his shoulders.
The three of them all glanced over to Barty as if to keep the full circle thing going. Confused, he looked to and from them all until he caught up, “Oh for fucks sake, yes I’m in, now let’s get out of here.”
They all laughed and agreed in unison and slowly, Regulus began to feel a little better.
“Someone get me a set of keys!” Barty’s voice was drowned out in the distance as they left through the back door and wandered out past the garden to get to the carpark out front. Regulus felt a strange sense of bittersweet melancholy come over him. And there it was again, the chill. Like another life reassuring and coaxing him onward. Like this decision would have changed something and hell, maybe it did.
Because when he looked back at the house towering above him as he walked further and further away, taking one more step away from the lights inside flickering against the blurred silhouettes of party guests, Regulus got a little warmer. He felt strangely liberated and although he thought of many things, like Sirius and who would drive and his parent’s reaction and where the hell he would go from here on out, Regulus’ mind focused down to one thing.
James.
James.
James.