Pick Your Poison Or Some Shit
“I’m driving.” Regulus called out after him sternly, already heading in the direction of the driver’s seat.
“You can’t drive for shit.” Barty stopped in his tracks to groan with a heavy sigh, along with a few more aimless mumblings, before he walked around to the other side to open the passenger car door and seat himself accordingly.
“Yes, well, I’m the only sober one here.” Regulus decided, taking his own seat and shutting the car door behind him, twisting the key to start the car.
“Evan lets me drive.” He realised after that it sounded like a complaint coming from a small child who’d just been told off but it was just a fact, really.
Actually, Evan rather prefers when Barty drives if he remembers correctly.
“Do I look like Evan to you?”
“Well, now that you say that-” He teases because really, there is no resemblance in the two whatsoever. Opposites almost.
“Shut up and let me drive.” Regulus grunted and attempted to pull out of the car park, jerking them once and then once again when changing gears. Barty put his hands up in surrender and then motioned the sign of the cross across his chest, while his friend rolled his eyes at him.
Regulus was a shit driver, he hadn’t been lying, but if you asked anyone else, they’d say the same about Barty. The key difference was that Barty drove recklessly by choice and Regulus had just failed his driver's test three times. Sirius had failed seven times, from what he’d heard. But no one ever talked about it because Regulus refused to admit it or acknowledge it, but it was true.
Barty was proud to say that he passed the first time which surprised everyone but more so, he wanted the freedom and he just really really wanted to prove his dad wrong, which seemed to be his sole motivator for most things.
Pandora had went with Evan, taking Barty’s car which he’d driven down in, seeing as Regulus and Pandora were the most eligible for driving at the moment, meaning the keys had been stolen right out of his hand.
Rolling down the passenger window, he stuck his head out and waved goodbye to his friends in the car beside them. Pandora casually blew him a kiss and Evan flipped him off which he returned with a taunting smile. After some hesitation, Regulus got the hang of it and roughly pulled out of the car park, leaving their friends in place as Pandora turned in her seat to look for something in the back, speaking fast incoherent words to Evan before pulling out a short stack of clothes. An extra pair of trousers and a dark purple jumper.
They were Evan’s back up clothes, Barty remembered him saying once when he laughed and asked why he needed them and why he needed to store them there if it wasn’t even his car. He’d said it was in case he ever got too drunk and puked everywhere or if someone stole the ones he was wearing or he misplaced them, or if he ever needed to run away and have Barty pick him up, in case he was left in only his pants and sleep shirt, or even just because. Evan had rambled on for a good thirty minutes about why it was a good idea and all the possible scenarios they’d be found necessary, most of which were not at all unrealistic for Evan. His lips pulled up into his cheeks at the memory.
“Do you have the address?” He turned to Regulus while still adjusting in his seat.
“No. Text Sirius for me.” Regulus hesitated before handing Barty his phone, already unlocked and the chat set up on the screen. Eager to get both of his friend’s hands back on the wheel, Barty took it and kept it so Regulus could see it, “Relax, Reg, I’m not going to eat it.”
There was no response but he did as he was asked and punched in the text, waiting for Sirius’ reply. It came quickly.
Barty knew the house actually, or where it was at least, actually more like the area it was in but still, it was easy enough so that they didn’t need directions. He shot back a quick thank you text (with probably a few too many exclamation points than Regulus would ever use) and handed back the cell.
The street was almost empty considering it was nearing two in the morning, as the little orange numbers in the dashboard clock read, and the stray car and humble passersby were nice and predictable. He slouched down into the car seat just enough to be able to look out the window in front of him, looking for the road signs to direct Regulus where to go. It was fairly straight forward, thankfully, because that meant less near-death last minute Barty-here-do-I-turn-here- are-you-sure sharp turns from Regulus. People were walking on the pavement, in loose fitting t-shirts and a cigarette in hand, some came in groups, probably looking or coming from a good night out while others took long strides alone, like they were lost in thought or on the brink of another world. Idle strangers on the pavement, coming and going as the car drove on, became an intriguing performance through the view of the car door window.
He watched as a man went to light a cigarette and the man beside him also asked for a light, he olidged and he tipped his head in a cheers motion. He saw a man with a funny looking hat and a woman who passed him who wore a long flowing skirt and had hair that was bright orange. The man tripped and dropped the can of drink he was carrying when she passed, amused, Barty turned to tell Evan.
Only to turn to see Regulus, staring at the road silently.
“You alright?” Barty shook off the odd feeling and let his cheek hit the side of the headrest. He didn’t exactly expect Regulus to answer because he didn’t normally talk about these things and this, well, this was a really big thing. He didn’t know the full of it, only bits from what he’d pierced together himself and from his friends, but really, he knew. They all knew. Regulus’ decision was more than just the party tonight. So he didn’t need Regulus to answer, he just needed him to know he knew and he was willing to ask.
“Yeah, I’m alright.” Regulus paused as he spoke into the quiet, with a fond hint of a smile and a glint in his eye, maybe hope, maybe nerves, maybe excitement, maybe just the reflection of the street lamps outside but it was so weak that maybe it wasn’t even there at all, but Barty liked the former best so he went with it.
After another minute and after Barty had gone back to playing audience for the street-side performance, Regulus spoke up again, “Barty, you need to stop it.”
A little confused, he looked around and down at himself to figure out what he was talking about, “Stop what?”
Regulus’ face tilted slightly to look at him, telling eyes leaving the street only for a minute as to say you-know-exactly-what-i-mean, “Whatever shit you’re playing at with James.” Regulus turned back, turning the wheel from where it had drifted from his concentration, swerving roughly back into the lane. There was no one else out so neither of them said anything about it, save the for fucks sake Barty complained in his mind.
“On a first name basis and everything, huh?” He mused but continued when Regulus seemed quite the opposite, “Relax, I was just messing with him.” Barty chuckled to himself, thinking back on it and feeling rather proud of it. It was amusing, really, it was, you should’ve seen the look on Potter’s face, he just couldn’t understand why no one else seemed to think so.
“I know that, but you need to knock it off.”
“Okay, okay fine.”
Quiet again.
“Barty, there is nothing between us anymore.” Barty looked up at his friend who was concentrating on the street before them and seemed very solemn about it which made him think that this had been on his mind for a while, “Maybe there never was.”
Well, just spit it all out there huh, Reg.
But clearly, Barty knew that. There hadn’t been anything between them in a long time and like he just noted, if there even was much to begin with, but he didn’t see the point in clarifying this now. Because at one point they did have something, no matter how scarce or fleeting or for whatever reason, Barty had been someone Regulus needed and Regulus was someone Barty needed. But that was a long time ago and he was quite happy in the way that they needed each other now, the way they probably always had but got lost in translation in the beginning. Friends. Best friends.
“You knew that before maybe I did.” Regulus continued and Barty listened, trying to see where he was going with this, “So why keep this up? Why keep doing this? I know it means nothing, I know you know it means nothing, but fucks sake, it's not fair that Evan is losing his shit over it.”
Oh. That was not what he was expecting.
“Fucking prick.” Regulus concluded at last. Not unkindly but like an sharp afterthought that was added a few minutes too far apart from the original sentence, as Barty blinked back in shock. The car was eerily quiet now, only the sounds of the wheels on the road and the hum of the engine going, the flickers of warm light flooding them when they passed the overhead street lights one by one.
Oh.
Suddenly, like a switch in Barty’s head, like a veil that had been lifted, it all came together, making sense little by little and so suddenly all at once. So suddenly that it became a tangle of emotion and thought that flooded him and it was hard to tell them apart, leaving him ever so confused. The only thing that made sense was Evan, always Evan, but now in some newfound clarity that was hard to wrap his head around.
The way he flinched away when Barty had been so eager to mess around and meddle between Regulus and James. The way Barty always found himself itching to be around him, calling him up and driving however long and however far to get to him at any given time or day. The way Evan spoke to him and his chest lit up and the instinct to grab Evan’s hand and run away without looking back. The way they knew each other inside and out. The way that for as long as he can remember, his first and last thoughts were always of Evan. The way he felt that overwhelmingly fierce need to keep him, like he was his, away from anyone and anything. The way Evan would let him.
“He said that?” Barty found the voice to ask, still taken a back, the pieces still forming around him and falling together in his head, feeling rather stupid for not making sense of it sooner.
But like Regulus’ words had sparked something, everything soon fell into place, the distinct separation between what he did as himself and what he did with Evan. It was so clear to him now that only a fool could miss it. Oh, how Barty was such a fool.
Such a fucking fool.
“No.” Regulus sighed, “But it’s rather achingly obvious.”
“I hadn’t noticed.” Because he hadn’t and it made him a bit mad. Mad at himself. Mad at everything. Mad because he hadn’t noticed. Mad because no one told him. Even a little mad at Evan, despite knowing well enough against it.
“I gathered that.”
Barty lifted his hand that directed his friend to turn right, down a quiet street, now further away from the city outskirts. Regulus got the message as he turned sharply at the street’s corner and sent Barty all the way to one side, making him grab at the door handle.
They stayed in silence the rest of the drive, leaving him to trace back everything, everything he’d missed, letting himself bubble and wonder and feel and ask so so many questions- which was probably Regulus’ intention anyway. Barty had so many questions, so much he wanted to say, so much coming to him all at once, so complicated, and all of which remained unanswered.
He knew it would stay that way until he saw Evan again.
…
Evan rolled up his window as he watched Regulus drive off and down the street, leaving him and Pandora to follow shortly, taking Barty with him. A weird sort of quiet fell over him despite the girl next to him chatting away, he always felt this way when Barty wasn’t around, like something was missing. Maybe it was pathetic but if he could help it, he would’ve done so a long time ago.
“You’re hopeless, really Evan, now wipe that smile off your face and help me look-”
“What are you doing?” He whipped his head around to find Pandora practically crawling over the driver’s seat to reach behind to the back, struggling to grab something, very pointedly ignoring her comment about the stupid grin apparently and rather obviously plastered on his face.
The thing is, which Evan and the rest of them have learned time and time again, is that Pandora knows everything. She’s like some sort of seer that can read your mind or predict the future. Evan has no bloody idea how it’s possible but somehow it is, but that is under no meaning that he will confirm any of it.
Especially when most of the time he hates confirming it to even himself. Yeah, he knows it’s there, he’s known for quite a while now, probably someway he knew subconsciously as well before he really knew, but the point is, it’s nothing new. He just hates what would happen if he really accepted it. It’s just too messy.
“I’m looking for that weird stash of clothes you keep in here, help me.” Pandora’s voice mumbled from the other side of the seat.
“Oh, you mean my back up clothes,” He said fondly, “and they’re not weird.”
His back up clothes.
Evan had stashed them in Barty’s car when they were sixteen and Barty first got the thing. They were still in school but over the summer and over holidays, there were one too many times when Evan would need a pick up after a bad night and they’d drive off and run away someplace and he would have to endure Barty’s constant teases about walking around in his pyjamas, or on rare occasions, he’d get vomit on his clothes and they’d be trapped in the car the whole time, Evan in nothing but his pants because he refused to leave the car.
So one day, he set aside some clothes that he didn’t mind parting with and stuck them in the backseat of his car, just in case. Barty laughed at him amused and Evan rolled his eyes and joked that one day he might call him up and say they were leaving for good, catch a flight to Costa Rica or someplace, and that he should at least have proper clothes on the aeroplane. They both laughed about it but sometimes late at night, Evan debated going through with that plan and he wondered if Barty would even show up.
Everytime, his answer was the same.
Of course Barty would show up. He was more certain of that than of anything.
“Nevermind- found them!” She exclaimed, jolting back up into her seat with trousers and a dark purple jumper. He squinted a little at the sight because the jumper was new. His had been a dark grey.
It was Barty’s jumper. He must’ve replaced it from the last time.
They’d driven to a park about an hour away solely because Barty insisted there was a huge lake and they just had to see it and it wasn’t like they had anywhere else to be or do. Either way, by the end of the night they were wrecked along with the jumper (from what, he doesn’t exactly remember) but he hadn’t expected a replacement. The idea made his chest flutter.
Clearing his throat, he crossed his arms and sunk into the seat, “Alright, Dora. Party. Let’s go.”
“You got it, babes.” She sent him a wink, fisting the last of her hands through the arm holes of the jumper, adjusting quickly and picking up the long pink gown she’d been wearing before and tossing it into the back. When and how did she change out of that? He didn’t know.
Almost in the same motion, Pandora was backing up out of the car park and onto the street, pressing on the gas and directing them the way Regulus went. She turned on the radio to something they both recognized, Pandora humming not at all the same tune as the song but doing so elegantly enough it sort of worked and Evan fake playing the drums on whatever surface he could reach out in front of him. They continued driving for a while into the late summer night, passing stray people still out for the evening until Pandora eventually realised she really had no idea where she was going.
“Oh shit, can you text Regulus for the adre-”
“On it.” He cut her off, already midway through a text to Regulus. There was an immediate text back.
Took you long enough, you fuckers got lost, did you?
Evan fought a smile, recognising as soon as it came through that it wasn’t Regulus. He went to report that they were actually having a more than splendid time getting lost before the next text came in with the address.
After a few more texts back and forth and Pandora bugging for a response, he tucked his phone away and took on the role of navigator. It wasn’t too far from where they were now so he wasn’t too worried about it. The radio was still playing in the background when he let himself really think about what they were doing.
Oh, his parents were going to flip. More his father than anything which would just then spark another argument between his parents and then it would be his mother yelling at him for causing such discourse. Nothing too new but not something he was looking forward to in the least. Much like Regulus, this was a very important night for his parents, a lot of business opportunities really, and a missing son from the biggest party of the year would just raise problems with their image. Something that they didn’t take lightly to, not that they ever took anything lightly.
But unlike Regulus, who had surely thought about this very very thoroughly and though he might not ever say it, was probably stressing about it now, Evan didn’t really care as much. He never let it stop him and he never got caught. Okay maybe not never, but he learned how to get away with things. Probably something that rubbed off from being friends with Barty Crouch Jr, but he was always more willing to push, to risk it, to an extent. So, obviously he was going to this party, repercussions be damned. But maybe also unlike Barty, who sought out these types of things in hopes of it finding its way back to his father, Evan wasn’t about to rub it in his parent’s face. He was still worried. He still wondered about what might happen.
But fuck it, who was he to turn down a party?
An actual party. Evan’s type of party. Even if he knew it would be on the mild side of that scale, at least it wasn’t some high strung pressure-inducing pretentious role demanding party.
“You alright?” Pandora glanced at him like she knew he was lost in thought and she was waiting for the right moment to insert herself without interruption.
“Yeah, just my parents, you know.” He snorted with a huffed laugh, shaking his head.
“Obviously, that too but I meant with earlier?”
“What do you mean, earlier?”
She swirled her head back around and looked at him like the answer was blatantly obvious. In her defence it sort of was, he supposed.
Fine.
“I’m fine, really.” But even he could hear the forced undertone in his voice. You’d think he’d be better at this, at lying.
“You think you’re slick, Evan, but I’m far beyond your average person, I see it all.” She mused and he listened, “He just doesn’t think sometimes and neither do you, really, but I know you both and I know you both know and feel more than you let on or care to show. Or in this case, care to admit because you both don’t mind to show it plenty- thickheads- wait, which way am I turning?”
“Left here.” He instructed, sliding his phone in between his fingers back and forth to give himself something to do. Looking back on it, he wished he brought Regulus’ cigarettes. There weren’t many left in there anyways.
“Anyways,” She continued, turning the wheel to one side as she spoke, “I won’t say much more but I just- I hate seeing you get hurt and I hate seeing you let yourself be hurt.” Her voice softened by the end of her sentence, leaving them in a warm thick quiet and Evan unsure of what to say now. “And that goes for all of you. I care about all of you and it kills me to see you all- I just want to see you happy.”
Evan lowered his head, setting his phone in his lap, watching his finger trace the outline of it. He smiled genuinely and reached out to grab her hand, meeting her halfway from where she left the wheel. It made his heart sink because yeah, that’s exactly what he was afraid of. That's what he knew was waiting for him if he admitted it. Their friendship. The four of them. He’d seen it once with Regulus and Barty and they were the exception, or as close to it. They realised that they were better as friends and they made it work, they stayed like that. It was like it was the only reasonable solution, like anything else would be absurd. It was simple and clean.
But what Evan felt was messy. He knew, somewhere in the back of his mind, that if he admitted it, if anything were to happen, he wouldn’t be able to walk away. There would be no graceful exit, no clean break for him. He could never ever be okay with just being Barty’s friend again. Even if Barty still wanted him as a friend after, even if that’s all he could have of him, even if every part of him begged to settle just to keep whatever he could, Evan was sure he wouldn’t survive it.
Either way, Barty didn’t feel that way anyways.
Even when there were times where it felt like that was the only explanation. When Barty would get this look in his eye as he grabbed Evan’s hand and dragged him into the car and drove off to who knows where, with no real excuse other than being around each other. When he would wrap his arm around him a bit too tightly when other people got a bit too close to him or when Evan got his first girlfriend back at school and Barty did everything in his power to enunciate his annoyance with her, doing everything and anything to get a rise out of her. But that was nothing. That was just Barty being Barty.
That was all stuff he did with Regulus as well.
Prime example, tonight. Just Barty being Barty he told himself again.
“It doesn’t mean anything.” He sighed through another half laugh quietly, gazing helplessly back at Pandora when she gave him another look. She searched his eyes and it felt like a shaking head without words. He realised that not long before, he had been on the other side of this conversation and Regulus had said similar words to him, the realisation made his laughter a little more real.
“But it means something to you, love.”
Oh.
Yeah, okay.
He let out a winded stifled breath and raised his eyebrows in defeat, like the words had knocked the very breath out of him. What’d he say, she’s a fucking seer, she knows everything, but it still baffled him to hear it. Especially since wasn’t that what he’d said to Regulus, more or less?
She squeezed his hand comfortingly before she took it back to steer, taking a veering right off the street’s shoulder, entering a sleepy neighbourhood save a few houses with a spare light on in the bedroom or kitchen.
He smiled teasingly and shook his head with laughter, again, but this time he meant it wholeheartedly, “Oh Dora, what did we ever do to deserve you”, still left a little taken a back from being so extremely and so bluntly called out. It was humorous because she was right and they both knew it. And if he was being honest, he also figured Regulus was far too observant not to know it as well.
“Qui sait” She chuckled back as they made another right turn and Evan could see people walking up and down the street to where lights and nitelife were coming from a house in the distance. “It’s a mystery.”
In no time they approached the house.
It was quite large for what he expected but from what he could see through the bright windows, it was crowded. He liked that. He liked parties and he liked crowds and he could feel everything else starting to fade away from his mind. His parents. His conversation with Pandora. The party they left. Barty’s mindless comments. Barty’s stupid recklessness. Barty’s arm tightening around him. Barty’s unaware grin as he looked over to him. But never Barty. He never really stopped thinking about Barty.
And god knows it wasn’t by choice, believe me.
There were people waving to people they knew, running up to hug one another and squealing as they joined arms and made their way inside. There was a girl with long black hair greeting people and waving them all in, gushing with each guest like she knew them well. Maybe she did, Evan didn’t know. There were cars parked in rows beside the house and up and down the street, where Pandora pulled the car around and tried her best at reverse parking. She did it easily with only a few yelps for Evan to stick his head out the window to make sure she hadn’t hit anything.
“Alright, you ready to do this?” Pandora smacked her hands together, rubbing them together excitedly. The jumper was a bit big on her, leaving the sleeves to fall down her arms and over her hands, so she had taken to rolling them up past her elbows to keep it up.
“When have I ever not been?” He challenged playfully, taking off his coat and tie and tossing it in the back, unbuttoning the first few notches in his shirt in an attempt to make himself a bit more casual.
“Hair up or down?” She turned to him, waving her hands around her head and shoulders telling him how to picture both options.
“I don’t know- ask Reg” He shrugged because honestly he had no idea what to say. He didn’t know stuff like this.
“He’ll just say he doesn’t care-” She huffed.
“Fine, keep it up.”
“Really?”
“Really. Let’s go.”
“Okay.”
Evan reached for the door handle and was halfway to opening the door when a loud sigh made him hesitate and look back where Pandora was pulling down the vanity mirror, taking out the pins in her hair and letting it fall down her back.
“For fucks sake” He raised his hand and let them fall dramatically as he exited the car, and she popped the mirror back in place and followed suit.
“What?” She looked at him with wide eyes like she didn’t understand what he was on about. He just shook his head and laughed.
They walked up to the house, Pandora’s pink dress shoes clinking on the pavement with each step because Evan didn’t have any back up shoes along with the outfit (not that they would’ve fit her anyways). Maybe he should add some later just in case, he made a mental note to himself.
He could hear the soft hum of music from inside, something upbeat with bass that he was itching to feel against his chest, though the words were muffled by the walls. He scanned the area aimlessly, skipping over the people talking and laughing and the lawn out front, catching a glimpse of Regulus’ car on the other side. As predicted, it was parked absolutely horrendously.
Evan felt his phone sit in his pocket, feeling the weight of it shift as he walked. He debated texting his friends to see where they were but he assumed they wouldn’t have theirs on and he’d see them in less than a few minutes anyways, hopefully.
“Hi! Welcome!” The cheerful host greeted them and ushered them inside, almost missing the quick replies he and Pandora returned. They glanced at each other and snorted a chuckle, entering the main room.
People were dancing and chattering amongst themselves, pouring drinks into plastic cups for one another and swaying collectively in mismatched directions that resembled a sea, pushing the room around with the current. Evan let the flow take him.
It was easy enough to spot their friends, despite the mass of people. Regulus leaned against a wall across the room, crossed arms and scanning the crowd lazily like he’d rather not be here despite literally risking everything to get here, and Barty beside him with an excited grin, talking his ear off anyways, with a cup already in hand.
Evan couldn’t help notice the way Barty’s coat and tie were also missing, his shirt carelessly untucked and rolled to his elbows, unbuttoned all the way right down to his navel and his hair a bit messy, thick strands falling into his face, as he walked towards him, turning his head down as he felt a funny smile forming on his face.
“You alright there, Romeo?” Pandora nudged him with a snort.
“Shut up, that’s what I said to Regulus.” He groaned defiantly because there was no way he was getting called fucking romeo right now, not when it was his own words against him. She put her arm around him, letting himself be pulled through the crowd until they reached their friends.
“Finally made it, did you?” Regulus quipped at Pandora who was already tucking herself between him and Barty, linking their arms together.
“Shove off.” She retorted with a faux scowl.
“Nice outfit.”
“It’s Evan’s.” She played out a curtsy.
Evan nodded and then glanced at Barty, who was unashamedly staring at him now which despite the flurry in his chest, made him a little uneasy. He expected some snide look or some quip remark about how it was actually his jumper but something seemed off about him, stiff almost. Not scared or nervous, he knew what that looked like, but almost like he was trying to figure something out and didn’t quite know what to do with himself now. It was unnerving. Especially for Barty.
“What’s in the cup, Crouch?”
Slowly, Barty settled back into himself, eyes a little slack from what Evan knew was not his first drink since they got here and most definitely not his first drink of the night. He shrugged and turned down the corners of his lips with a slight flair, holding the cup out to him. “See for yourself, Rosier.”
He did.
Evan sipped the drink and wiped the excess away from his mouth. He made a so-so gesture with his shoulders and took another before handing back the cup. Barty took it back, took a swig and returned it. He and Barty shared drinks a lot, this wasn’t new. This wasn’t special. This wasn’t anything, he reminded. Even when Barty held his eye a little longer while doing so.
But something flickered momentarily as he did and Barty drew away his gaze, starting up a conversation with Pandora about the music or the drive or his car or some shit.
“I actually need to go.” Regulus cleared his throat after a minute, waiting for Pandora to untangle her arm from his before pushing himself off the wall.
“Where are you going?” She questioned, letting him go.
“To find Sirius.”
Barty made a funny noise and hid his laugh behind his cup, Pandora doing the same, playing with a piece of blonde hair in front of her face.
Evan followed Regulus’ line of sight because yeah, right. Sure enough, the crowd had parted slightly enough to reveal James Potter walking into the room from what seemed to be a corridor, talking to a blonde haired girl with pink tinted glasses resting on her head. Yeah, right, he chuckled too as his friend turned to the three of them with a disapproving scowl.
“You’re such a liar, Reg.” He took Barty’s drink from his hand, ignoring the screaming fact that their fingers brushed slightly as he did so.
“Right, I forgot what a bunch of saints you are.” He deadpanned.
“Actually, I am.” Barty announced proudly, properly swiping his drink back for himself and raising it in a toasting motion before drinking the last of it.
“Fuck off.” They all said in unison.
“Have fun!” Pandora called after Regulus and Evan made a whooping sound to finish it off. All they got in return was another disapproving stare and a finger flipped up behind his back as he bee-lined across the room.
“Hey, Ev” Barty turned on the wall to tuck Evan into an invisible private corner, lowering his voice a bit with the same smiling tone that might as well be trademarked as his by now. “Can we uh, can we talk.”
“Yeah, sure. Of course.” Evan stuffed both his hands into his pockets, glancing to and from his friend’s eyes, curious as to what was going on.
Hesitantly, Barty nodded and pushed himself off the wall, going to take Evan’s hand as he’d done so many times before, dragging him off to who knows where, when he stopped and reeled back, gesturing with his head for him to follow. He cleared his throat and glanced at Pandora who was very adamantly pretending not to notice what was happening, twirling a strand of hair in front of her face. Though her tucked lips hiding a funny grin gave her away.
Evan followed Barty through the crowd, unsure of where they were going but when had that ever mattered before. It was like something you could count on, the sky is blue, the grass is green, fire burns you when you touch it, and Evan would never not follow Barty if he asked.
“What’s up?” He raised an eyebrow at Barty, shutting the door behind them to where he had led them, in what appeared to be the kitchen. There were full shelves of random herbs and the stove gave space to hold a forgotten kettle. A quaint yellow-cream refrigerator was in a corner next to what looked like the pantry. There was a small window over the white sink basin with white dusted curtains tied back on either side with a cord of brown string. Cute, he admired, though not really bothered enough to care much more than that.
“Look,” Barty rubbed his face with his back towards Evan and the door before turning around. His eyes were wide despite their lazed state from before and his mouth opened and closed a few times, pulling tightly at the corners like there was something on his mind that he couldn’t quite articulate the way he wanted. Evan knew the feeling. Flashes of emotion flickered too and from Barty’s face visibly, mixing and morphing into the next, like he couldn’t tell which he was going to stick with, which he really felt.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” He finally let out, trying his best to hold his eye now with a hand on either side of his hips. “Why didn’t you say anything?” It was a simple vague question but somehow it sounded accusatory, or like a dispute or a demand, when it reached Evan’s ears.
“Tell you what?”
“You know what.”
“Barty, look, you’re drunk. I’m a little out of it too.” He chuckled halfheartedly, rubbing his temples with his thumb and index finger, “Let’s talk about whatever you’re on about tomorrow and let’s go party, yeah?”
“Evan.” Barty persisted, “Evan,”
He twisted over to turn the knob on the door, reaching out with his other hand to drag his friend back into the other room when Barty pulled him back firmly, gripping his wrist.
“Barty, let’s go.” He tugged but Barty didn’t budge.
“Evan, you know what I’m talking about, so why didn’t you tell me.” He blurted firmly. Evan blinked back at him, unsure of what was happening but a nervous sick feeling in the back of his throat was giving him ideas. “You knew this whole time and I didn’t see it- so why- when you felt- You should’ve told me- you- you-”
Oh.
Fuck.
No. No. No. Let this not be happening, please, Evan thought frantically. Because what was he supposed to do now? It’s too messy and he can’t afford to fuck this up, so he won’t. He can't. But now Barty knew.
“Tell you what!” Evan’s voice was louder now, trying to skip the stuttering and sputtering of half-statements, trying to get to what Barty was really getting at. Even if he already knew.
“Fuck’s sake, you can’t even admit it, can you?” Barty’s expression started to mirror his, along with his tone. Getting a little more defensive and a little more pushy.
“Admit what, Barty, hm? Tell me. Tell me what the hell you want me to admit because fuck if I know that if anyone should be talking, it sure as hell shouldn’t be you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Evan pulled his arm away, unaware that he’d still been holding his wrist, huffing out a breathy humourless laugh because at this point they’re just going in circles and suddenly everything that was building up inside him, every feeling being told away, was making its way to the surface.
“I mean that I’m not the one who’s saying shit and doing things and yet so fucking oblivious to everyone and everything around him. I can’t admit it? You can't admit it. You can’t just- it’s all- all- fuck!”
“Then tell me! Tell me what I’m not getting, Evan!”
“Tell you what!” Fuck it. Evan was nearly shouting now and he was thankful that the music was loud, hopefully drowning them out. Barty’s chest was rising and falling, just as Evan’s was, his hair falling into his eyes and his shirt fussed and wrinkled where the extra motion of waving his arms about had moved the fabric.
“Tell you that seeing you constantly toying with Regulus isn’t killing me? That the things you do and say that you think doesn’t mean shit isn’t tearing me to pieces? That you are tearing me to pieces? Is that what you want me to say? That you- you- no, fuck you! Fuck you!”
“Fuck you!” Barty retaliates, just because Evan said it first, ignoring everything else said because of course he would. Just Barty being Barty, he laughs to himself until he can’t help it and it bubbles over into a real laugh, falling out between his teeth and ducking his head down, letting his hair scatter across his forehead. Because isn’t that just hilariously so fucking on brand.
“Fuck you.” He repeats as he pauses for a breath, maybe a few, leaving them reeling from themselves. It’s so brutally messy and he takes a minute to look down at the splattered mess he’d made. That they’d made. Wasn’t this what he was afraid of?
A part of him wondered if Barty could see it too.
“What are we really doing here, Barty?” He asked calmer now, still breathing deeply.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Barty sighed, a bit defeated, his eyes starting to fall again and his arms slacking to his sides, making him look younger somehow.
“Tell you what?” Evan asked once more because fuck, he was tired and he really really just wanted to be done with this. To forget that this half-wanna-be-converstaion ever happened and pull Barty into the other room and drink and dance until they forgot their own names and have to remind each other of them every five minutes before folding over in laughter, Evan holding Barty up with an arm around his chest and Barty ruffling Evan’s hair and paying him incoherent compliments.
He just wanted things to stay the way they were. He didn’t want this to change. Because when things were good, they were really fucking good and Evan wouldn’t trade that in no matter how frusterating the bad things could be. Because Barty made him a mess but it was his mess to deal with, nonetheless.
Barty’s eyes darted to things around the kitchen without reason before shrugging helplessly, hanging his head. “I’m a dick. I’m so stupid, Evan, so miserably, incredibly fucking stupid.” He walked towards him slowly with his eyes to the floor, only coming up when he reached him, “and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay, I get it.” Evan sighed, reaching out to stroke the side of Barty’s wrist gently with the tips of his fingers because he just couldn’t help himself, “You’re just really fucking stupid.”
Barty is a rollercoaster, Evan knows that well enough, but looking at him now, he looks so, so soft somehow. Now that his brow is no longer furrowed and their eyes aren’t being used as daggers against each other. He likes this version of Barty but as much as he does, Evan misses his vibrant laughing friend that pulls him into the unknown and drives carelessly through the dark. The Barty that is loud and fearless and smiles without shame, and who would slaughter a fly for simply landing on him wrong.
“Why are you still here, then?” He breathes out, his eyes finding his, glancing between them for an answer Evan still isn’t sure he’s brave enough to give.
“Because Barty,” Evan looked back at him now, a sad smile pulling at his lips. No going back. “Because you’re poisonous and crazy and you make me fucking insane.” Barty swallowed but held his eye, “and you needed him once, I get that, I do,”
“but I’ve always needed you.” Evan finished, pushing the words out. Because that was the godforsaken truth. There was nothing in the world that Evan could ever need more.
No going back now.
Spilled out and onto the floor, decorating the space between them, staining their clothes and every second from this moment forward. A mess that Evan could never come back from. An erupted mess that was now there for the both of them to see.
Evan watched as something visibly registered in Barty’s head, could almost see the wheels stop in place and then release, spinning at lightning speed, everything catching up to him. Evan held his breath, letting the words marinate between them, and the seconds felt like lifetimes.
But not another minute passed before Barty’s lips were crashing into his.
It was bold and full of intent, full of purpose, hands immediately finding their way to the sides of his face, walking him back into the door. It was tightlipped and almost smothering, their faces colliding with such force like they’d never get the chance again. Like Evan held the air Barty needed to breathe to survive, like without it, he’d die. That was only proven when Barty pulled away as little as possible to part his lips.
WIthout even the slightest bit of hesitation, Evan chased after him with an opened mouth and let him in.
He let the momentum push his back into the door, his hands getting tangled in Barty’s hair like they belonged there, violently pulling and streaking up and down the side of his neck, fingers curling into the collar of his shirt, pulling him closer and closer as if they could get any closer than this.
Fireworks exploded in Evan’s head, in his chest, in his mouth, in- in everywhere, really. It made him want to scold himself for being so fucking stubborn before, what price could be so bad to not be worth this. To not be worth kissing Barty.
All of his worries disappeared and maybe a past Evan would’ve called this out as exactly what he was afraid of but this Evan could care the fuck less.
He pushed off the door and spun them around, shoving Barty back onto it, holding him by the waist and the collar of his shirt.
Poison. That was the best way to describe Barty.
Dangerous. Tempting. Unpredictable. Beautiful. Addictive.
But what was that saying? Pick your poison or some shit? Well, Evan picked his out a long time ago and now that he’d had a taste, he knew it was worth all the risk in the world.
“Ouch- fuck-” Barty grumbled, making Evan take a step back, reluctantly tearing himself away. Barty, looking absolutely dumbfounded by this, shook his head with a growing smile, “No, no, not you Ev,” He reached back, tugging at the back of his neck, already leaning in, “Doorknob.”. He moved slightly across the door to reveal the knob behind him where it no doubt had gutted him in the back when Evan shoved him into it.
“Sorry.” He laughed, losing his grip on Barty’s shirt and laying his hand flat on his chest, grazing where the fabric opened up under his thumb and revealed his chest. Barty’s hair was tousled from where Evan’s hands had been, his eyes incredibly bright and his face flushed, his lips slightly swollen. God, Evan doesn’t think he’d ever seen such a beautiful view.
“Make it up to me, yeah?” Barty smiled and Evan pressed a kiss into it in eager compliance.
“You replaced my back up jumper.” He stated in between kisses because the thought reappeared in his mind.
“Yeah, yours was shit anyways.”
“Fuck off.” He grinned widely and let his head fall against Barty’s forehead and they laughed.
They laughed for a long while before Evan suggested going out to get another drink. Barty kissed him once more for good measure and agreed, wrapping an arm around his shoulders, insisting that they share.