That letter
James,
There is a certain peace to this, the power imbalance switched. You have always had an unspeakable hold over me, you could blink in a certain way and I would do something completely stupid, like break down in tears or sneak out of my dorm or kiss you in a common room party that wasn't meant for me. you have always held the secrets to the universe over my head, and I have always wanted to do nothing else than suck them out through your teeth. I hold the power now. I can choose what to say and to who, I can choose everything. And I’ve never been more lost.
In my mind, I am writing to the James who downs coffee by the pint before big quidditch games, I am writing to the James who races down the hall on his broom, laughter too loud to hear the scorning of your teachers, the James that looked at me from across the great hall when you made it rain ferrets above the slytherin table, who looked at me like I was in on the joke, the James behind the greenhouse and under the quidditch stands, the James who is arrogant and hypocritical and thinks that the fact that he knows that he is a hypocrite makes him less so, the James who spends his time worrying about the world and the passage of time and the boy in the broom closet having a panic attack.
I am writing to my James, the one who taught my brother to smile and taught me what I am losing. The only person who gave me a chance. the person I disappointed the most. to that James, I am sorry. To that James, I want to tell that I am not the boy you fell in love with. I want there to be a line, a split in time where the Regulus you loved ended and the Regulus I am now started. I would tear myself apart over and over if only to fine that one drop of goodness within me and give it to you, without the darkness around it. I would rip it out of my skin and brain and veins, wherever it is that you saw a boy worth holding like he matters.
but you, James, you don't live in a time or a place. you are far too grand for any of that. far too eternal. the you that I am still in love with exists inside of my ribs, in the dead space where my heart should be but is instead infested with black tar. you live behind my eyes, between my ears, along my cheeks. I have to keep telling myself that the version of you that I love is dead and gone and nothing but a memory, because it is only if you are dead that I can die too. I know it’s all lies. All a ruse.
It is, unsurprisingly, still hard to talk to you through paper. I thought saying things would be simpler if I put it through ink but I keep messing up and it's getting all over my fingers. I can't seem to put my quill down, though. it's quite curious. I think I thought if I could write it all down that means I understand it all, which I don't. I think I thought being able to articulate something proves that I am right about it, which I'm not.
I don't know if you'll be mad.
I'd be mad, I think. if you pulled something like this. Although now that I think of it this is all horribly, painfully you, is it not? I'll have you know you don't have a patent on delusional, self sacrificing acts of bravery, James Potter. you do not own the idea of having A messiah complex. I think you spent your whole entire life putting out fires and you never notice how much smoke you breathed in. I think once you do notice you think it makes you a hero. this is where we differ. When you see smoke you find a fire to fight, when I see smoke I wear the fire on my neck and jump into water. Gryffindor and Slytherin. or maybe just James and Regulus. person and coward.
I need you to know I regret it. I regret everything. I regret not going with Sirius, I regret not being honest with you sooner, I regret leaving you in that corridor. I regret everything except this. With this, I am being brave, I am being as similar to you as I will ever be and it is more than I ever thought myself capable of. I wish, desperately, that the house of Black dies with me. If I could, I would take every piece of gold and diamond that my family owns and I would strap them all to my feet. I would let them weigh me down, Like anchors. I would like to take them all underwater with me, where they can no longer hurt anybody.
Please consider this letter your payment in full. I have been in debt to you since the day you kissed me and this is me paying back every last bit. I leave this world with the knowledge that you will outlive me, and with the hope that you will do so for a long time.
I’m sorry.
-RAB