Chapter 11
Regulus
Regulus stormed into Barty and Evan’s apartment, letting himself in. He was still damp from the shower, his mind racing, his body tense with frustration.
James had barely said a word to him afterward, just grabbed his stuff and left like nothing had happened. Like they hadn’t flipped the boat, like they hadn’t argued the entire time, like they hadn’t—
Well.
Regulus wasn’t going to think about that.
He paced the living room, cursing his entire fucking life, until the door finally swung open, revealing a slightly sweaty, post-practice Barty.
Barty took one look at him, then took a step back.
“Oh, no.”
Regulus stopped pacing, exasperated. “Where’s Evan?”
Barty blinked, tossing his bag onto the couch. “Uh, shopping with his sister. Why?”
Regulus let out a sharp breath, rolling his shoulders like he was prepping for battle. “Because I need to rant to both of you about the absolute travesty that is my life.”
Barty plopped onto the couch, stretching out like he had all the time in the world.
“Go on.”
Regulus didn’t hesitate.
“They’re forcing me to row a pair with James fucking Potter for a month.”
Barty squinted. “That’s not so bad. You’ll whip him into shape in no time.”
Regulus stopped pacing, turned to him dead-eyed, and said, “We flipped on the first day.”
There was a beat of silence.
Then Barty burst out laughing, doubling over like this was the funniest thing he’d ever heard.
“Oh my GOD,” he wheezed. “Potter dumped you in the river? I love this. This is the best thing that’s ever happened.”
Regulus scowled, crossing his arms. “Yes, Barty. Hilarious.”
Barty wiped a fake tear from his eye, still grinning. “Okay, but real talk—this is your chance to get into the 1V. You’ve been waiting for an opening all season.”
Regulus sighed dramatically, flopping onto the couch like his entire soul had left his body.
“That’s not even why I don’t want to do it.”
Barty raised an eyebrow. “Oh?”
Regulus ran a hand through his curls, staring at the ceiling.
“James kissed me.”
There was a pause.
A long, deadly silent pause.
Then—
“WHAT.”
Regulus groaned, covering his face with his hands.
“But then he told me that we couldnt take it any farther because of Bro Code??”
Barty was losing his entire mind.
“YOU MADE OUT WITH POTTER AND DIDN’T TELL ME??”
Regulus grumbled into his hands, “I’m telling you right now.”
“Not good enough.” Barty threw a couch pillow at him. “You should have texted me while it was happening—preferably with a picture.”
Regulus snatched the pillow out of the air and threw it back at him.
“I didn’t exactly have time for a fucking photoshoot, Barty.”
Barty grinned wickedly. “Tragic.”
Regulus huffed. “It’s so fucking unfair. I spent my whole life obsessed with him, and now—now—when I finally find out he’s into me, I can’t even do anything about it.”
Barty hummed thoughtfully, tapping his chin.
“Okay,” he said, “I hate to make this about me—”
Regulus groaned. “Then don’t.”
“—but I have a point, I swear.”
Regulus lifted his head slightly, skeptical. “Go on.”
Barty smirked. “Since you’re on pair duty with Potter, our boat got split up too.”
Regulus frowned. “Yeah, and?”
“And,” Barty continued, “Severus has to row the pair with Lockhart.”
Regulus winced. “Bless him.”
“But I get to row with Evan.”
Regulus narrowed his eyes. “And?”
Barty grinned like the devil himself.
“And you bet your ass I’m gonna use every single minute of pair time to try and win him over.”
Regulus sat up slightly, intrigued despite himself.
Barty shrugged, looking way too smug.
“And you’ve got a month too. So instead of dreading what can’t be, why don’t you use this as an opportunity to show James exactly what he’s missing?”
Regulus blinked.
Then—
A slow, wicked smile spread across his lips.
“Barty,” he said, voice low, considering.
“You’re a genius.”
Regulus’ wicked grin hadn’t faded, but as he leaned back into the couch, he gave Barty a look.
“Also—word of advice?”
Barty hummed, clearly still very pleased with himself. “Always.”
Regulus raised an eyebrow. “If you want Evan to actually think you like him, maybe you should stop flirting with everyone who exists.”
Barty gasped dramatically, clutching his chest. “Regulus, that’s like asking me to abandon my brand.”
Regulus rolled his eyes. “I’m serious. If you hit on literally everyone, then how is he supposed to know that when you do it with him, it actually means something?”
Barty tilted his head, considering that.
Then, after a moment—"Shit. That’s actually a good point."
Regulus smirked. “Obviously.”
Barty sighed, throwing himself back onto the couch. “Fine. I’ll work on it. But just so you know, if this completely destroys my reputation, I’m blaming you.”
Regulus rolled his eyes again, but there was fondness in it this time.
“Yeah, yeah. You’ll live.”
Barty and Regulus continued plotting, tossing increasingly ridiculous ideas back and forth while also mercilessly making fun of each other.
It was the kind of easy, familiar banter that made Regulus feel a little less homicidal about his situation.
Then—
The door swung open, and Evan walked in, dropping his shopping bags onto the counter.
“What’s up, losers?” he greeted, kicking off his shoes.
“You’re late,” Regulus grumbled, crossing his arms.
“You’re dramatic,” Evan shot back, grinning. “What’s the emergency?”
Barty grinned like a maniac, gesturing wildly at Regulus. “Oh, it’s good.”
Regulus sighed, rubbing his temples. “James and I are being forced to row a pair together for a month.”
Evan’s eyebrows raised slightly. “Oh, shit. That’s kind of hilarious.”
“Oh, just wait,” Barty said gleefully. “Tell him the shower thing.”
Regulus huffed, leaning back into the couch. “It wasn’t a thing.”
“Oh, it was a thing,” Barty corrected.
Evan looked intrigued now, flopping onto the armrest of the couch. “Go on.”
Regulus exhaled sharply, then muttered, “James started stripping in the locker room, and I told him I wouldn’t shower with him because now that I know he’s attracted to me, he hasn’t earned that right.”
Evan stared at him for a second—
And then completely lost it.
He threw his head back, cackling, slapping his hand against the armrest like this was the funniest thing he had ever heard.
“Holy shit, Reg, you actually said that?”
Barty was wheezing next to him. “Tell me he turned red. Tell me he fucking panicked.”
Regulus smirked slightly, shrugging. “He absolutely panicked.”
Evan applauded him, literally clapping his hands together. “Incredible work. You’re off to an excellent start in making Potter suffer.”
Regulus smirked, feeling somewhat vindicated.
Barty grinned deviously. “So. What’s next?”
Regulus’ smirk grew wider.
“Oh, I have a few ideas.”
“Regulus’ Master Plan to Make James Suffer™”
(drafted in the Notes app at 9:47 PM, with contributions from Evan & Barty, aka the voices of chaos and reason, respectively)
- Be Infuriatingly Unbothered 😌
- James lives for reactions. So, give him nothing.
- If he flirts? Act like it never happened.
- If he gets frustrated? Stay calm and collected like the elegant bitch you are.
- Basically: Ice cold. Untouchable. Think royalty dealing with a peasant.
- Pet Names (but Only in the Most Condescending Way Possible) 😏
- "That’s a good effort, sweetheart, but you’re still doing it wrong."
- "Try to keep up, darling."
- Bonus points if you throw in a wink just to watch him short-circuit.
- (Evan: "If he punches you, I’m not bailing you out.")
- Be REALLY Handsy (but in a 'This Is Just Coaching' Way)
- Oh no, poor James’ form is off? Guess you’ll have to fix it manually.
- Hands on shoulders. Adjusting his grip. Fingers barely brushing his arms.
- ALL IN THE NAME OF ROWING, OBVIOUSLY.
- (Barty: "If he whimpers even once, I want a full report.")
- Make James Admit He Wants You 👀
- He does. We all know he does.
- He’s also a coward.
- So let’s make it impossible for him to deny it.
- Sexy looks. Unnecessary touches. Challenges disguised as flirting.
- Lure him in just to watch him push away. (Barty: "Sick and twisted. I love it.")
- Absolutely Destroy Him on the Water 🚣♂️💀
- He thinks he’s good at everything—time to humble him.
- Make every single practice a lesson in regret.
- By the end of the month? He’ll either be on his knees or absolutely feral.
- (Evan: "Or both.")
Regulus stared at the screen, reading over their perfectly crafted, incredibly detailed plan, and exhaled slowly.
Barty let out a low whistle, shaking his head in mock awe. “Wow. You are such a perfectionist. We just made a detailed, five -step game plan for you to fuck some guy.”
Evan nodded sagely, grinning. “Your mind amazes me every time.”
Barty clapped a hand over his heart. “Honestly? After all this work, if Potter doesn’t jump your bones, I’m gonna feel like a failure too.”
Regulus rolled his eyes, but his smirk betrayed him. “Thanks, guys. No pressure or anything.”
Evan grinned. “Oh, absolutely all the pressure.”
Barty smirked. “You better close the deal, Black.”
Regulus just shook his head, setting his phone down, his mind already spinning with how absolutely unbearable he was going to be at practice tomorrow.
James had no idea what was coming.