How to deal with pain
The first person that came to my mind, at that painful moment, was Grant. I'm not even clear why. It was spontaneous.
I guess my unconscious made me look for someone mentally stable. And Grant is. He is a wonderful person, a staunch friend and as poor as I am.
He was with me during the whole process of testimonies that I had to give after James' death. For a week, I couldn't get out of bed and eat more than two bites, if it wasn't for Grant I would have rotted lying there.
I remember in the first few testimonies I only responded with monosyllables, because every time I got to talking about James or Lily, I felt tears running down my cheeks.
Later that week, the funeral took place, arranged by the Weasley. I remember Molly's request as if it were yesterday, in her shy voice, almost afraid of saying the wrong thing.
“We need someone to speak at the ceremony. Arthur and I think you're the most appropriate, Remus. But we also understand if you don't want to do it.”
It wasn't the first time I'd been to the funeral of a great friend. Marlene last year had died, and we all mourned her death. Mary spoke, and we realized how ephemeral people could be.
But back then, we had someone in our corner. I was alone, leaning on Grant, who didn't even know who Lily was.
The whole thing came to his ears, from other people, since I didn't have the courage to tell him.
I looked at Molly once and thought of the strength Mary had at Marlene's funeral. I had to do it.
“I'm going to do it” I declared. “I'll see you tomorrow.”
I locked myself in the room again and Grant stayed in bed reading a book. All night, the blank page, the murmur of the city in the background and the voices of my friends in my head. I cried too much. Grant let me do it. At a certain point I couldn't take it anymore and told him I was going for a walk.
“Do you want me to go with you?”
“No. I need to clear my head” I answered. “Do you have any cigarettes?”
“In my jacket pocket.”
I remember that as soon as I stepped outside, I recognized Sirius's scent. Then I noticed the dog following me, and I sighed. The two of us went to a nearby square.
I lit the first cigarette, trying to convince myself that this was a dream. Maybe it was. It's not clear to me. Sirius didn't untransformed at any point. He just sat there like a dog, sitting next to me.
“You left me alone. You're cruel. Why did you do it?”
He didn't answer me. That's what makes me think that I dreamed that whole encounter; Sirius always answered me.
“You took Lily, you took James, you took Peter, why don't you kill me? Please do! So I don't have to go on living in a world without my friends.” Sirius barked, and I could tell he was shaking. “Kill me! Please…”
Sirius shook his head before walking off into the bushes. I returned home after a long hour, where I finished the entire pack.
The moment I planted myself in front of the sheet, I already knew what to write.
『 °*- ღ -*°』
My favorite fragment was this:
“James and Lily, died for love. That is the bravest act of all. They are both the most important people in my life, I'm not afraid to say it. Yet it is only now that I realize the true bravery of their hearts.
They should be remembered by everyone like this. As brave beings who gave their lives for their son. They didn't mind losing everything if it meant Harry would have a future.”
This is my favorite, because it's the only part of the speech I can quote without tearing up.
『 °*- ღ -*°』
Dumbledore came and told me that Sirius had been caught, then asked me if I wanted to go to the trial.
I told him no, and I still regret that.
『 °*- ღ -*°』
As I said, Grant was a poor bastard, working part-time delivering pizzas and studying psychology.
Thanks to him, I was spared psychiatric treatment and did not fall into an atrocious depression.
I had no other studies than Hogwarts, and after the commotion with the Potters and that new Umbridge law, it became impossible for me to get a job as a werewolf. My last option was to take a Muggle career and work part-time.
I didn't have a pound. So Grant got me a job with him at the same pizza place. I didn't become a delivery boy, because our boss needed someone smart at the cash register. So my life consisted of doing the bills, eating pizza for breakfast, lunch and dinner, studying at night and getting a couple of hours of sleep.
Since I didn't have much of an idea what I wanted to study either, I asked Grant. He gave me one of his weird occupational vocation tests, which gave me only one consistent result.
Professor.
After taking out a loan (which I continue to repay), I began to study Literature pedagogy, since it was the only Muggle subject in which I was really interested in specializing.
『 °*- ღ -*°』
My parents retired, just two months before they died in a car accident.
I never got to tell them that Sirius was my boyfriend. That he was gay. That I could never give them a child.
I was left alone in the world.
My mother, after hearing about my friends' deaths, was shocked. But she told me that I would pull myself together. She smiled at me.
She said I was a werewolf, from my five. That I would learn to cope with the hard life.
I'm so sorry mom. I still haven't learned how to get over the death of the people who taught me I was worth something. I'm sorry I'm not as strong.
That's why sometimes I'm glad I'm a werewolf. Because of the physical pain I feel after each transformation; it frees a lot.
『 °*- ღ -*°』
Grant had a boyfriend. A black hippie kids. I liked him, even though he always looked stoned.
Although, it was better to have a stoner boyfriend than a killer one. I remember regretting never breaking up with Sirius before the issue, because every morning I continued to feel his bond. His heartbeat.
He was still alive.
And I didn't know how to feel about it.
『 °*- ღ -*°』
I started working at the school where Grant was a psychologist. A school for troubled children. They called me the “Scars” teacher, I assumed it was because of my physical appearance. Then Grant told me it was because the kids still resented the bad grades I gave.
It wasn't my fault. They didn't even bother to capitalize the first letter or put a dot at the end of every paragraph.
My life was dull. I turned thirty, with neither pain nor glory. I continued to live with Grant, since he had also broken up with his boyfriend, after he was found with drugs.
At least boring meant staying alive.
『 °*- ღ -*°』
12 years.
For twelve years, I completely disengaged from the magical community. Grant would only ask me to do the housekeeping myself since we were both lazy. That's what I used my magic for. Cleaning, and cooking.
For twelve years, I had no news of anything. Not a single report. I spent my full moons locked in the basement and cured myself with the few spells Mary taught me.
For twelve years I tried to forget about Sirius, and I still couldn't. He lived, and I, I was still a man. He lived, and I, my heartbeat when I thought of him.
I continued to love him.
For twelve years, I didn't see Dumbledore. And when he knocked on the door of my house (who knows how he found it), I realized that he was still the same as always.
He smiled at me, and I invited him a cup of tea.
“I see you've managed to survive well, Remus” said Dumbledore, pleased. “I'm also aware that you've studied at college and are now working as a teacher in a Muggle school, aren't you?”
“You are correct, Professor.”
“Do you know how many Harry has now?”
“Thirteen? The last time I saw him was on his first birthday.”
“Third year is complicated… have you heard the latest magical news?”
“Professor, this is the first magical contact I've had after the incident” I replied, pouring myself some tea. “I have no idea about anything.”
He spread a newspaper on the table for me, and I spilled the contents on the table.
“It… couldn't be.”
Sirius had escaped from Azkaban. That picture didn't do him any favors, since in my memories he still looked like the guy in his twenties, wearing a leather jacket and smiling all the time.
“I came to make you a proposal.”
『 °*- ღ -*°』
“I'm going to start working at Hogwarts, starting next semester.”
Grant looked at me. He had a notion of what Hogwarts was, but he didn't care too much about the whole magic thing either.
“Oh… well, at least we'll have time to organize a farewell to the most head-cutting professor of them all.”
“Shut up, you fool.”
『 °*- ღ -*°』
Harry was just like his father. I hurt that I couldn't hug him like I wanted to.
I just wanted to grab Harry and take him away from there, with me. I know it doesn't sound right, but if I had survived twelve years without magic, I didn't mind forcing Harry to do the same.
I saw him with his friends, though. And I decided to wait to see how events would unfold.
That year changed everything for me again.
The rest of it. It's already history.
『 °*- ღ -*°』
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