Scar Tissue

“God, it’s three in the afternoon. How are you still asleep?”

Marlene was woken with a kick to the leg that signalled that she should move over. She did so without opening her eyes, feeling like her insides were made of sludge, weighing her down. She hadn’t been doing much the past few days, simply moving from the bed to the couch and then back again.

“I didn’t sleep well last night.” she mumbled.

Her sleeping patterns had become more and more broken up since she entered the zombie-like state that the week of Emmeline’s death seemed to turn her into.

“Neither did I - been studying for a biochem exam - but that didn’t mean I slept all day today.” was the monotone, dismissive reply.

“Well, I’ve been grieving ,” Marlene’s tone was dramatic, “Although I guess now I don’t know what I’m grieving about - my dead ex-girlfriend or the fact that my brother is becoming a weirdo nerd. You’re keeping biochem next year?” she finally opened her eyes to fix him with a look of disgust, “How are we even related?”

Next to her on the bed, propped up by her pillows, Laurie just shrugged, “I guess the family genes skipped a generation - gave me the brain cells they forgot to give you.”

“Uh-huh.” Marlene replied sarcastically.

“Yeah, I’m like top of the class in it.” he continued with obviously feigned casualness. 

“And, remind me, exactly how many millions have those great cells made you?” she asked smugly, “Because, as I recall, by the time I was your age I had at least five in the bank.” 

“Ugh, you and your capitalistic driven mind,” Laurie reproached, clearly joking, “Knowledge is priceless, Marls, everyone knows that.” 

Marlene rolled her eyes, turning onto her back and sitting up a bit more to mirror Laurie’s position on the bed. He was wearing a faded blue t-shirt and some brown cargos. For a college student, he didn’t look too dishevelled, although she did notice that his curls were a bit more frizzy than usual. She should probably buy him some more product since her last shipment was bound to have run out by now. 

“Wait, but school doesn’t start in, like, two weeks?” she looked at him, puzzled.

“So?”

“ So why are you studying?”

Laurie gave her a look of judgement, “Because some of us like to be prepared. The exam’s the first week back.”

“God, sometimes we could not be more different.” Marlene mused. 

Laurie laughed, “Only ‘cause you used to treat school like government sanction torture.” 

“That’s dramatic-“ 

“I distinctly remember an incident in third grade when mom was called because you were refusing to learn your multiplication tables. You said, and I quote, ‘calculators exist and anyways it doesn’t matter because I’m gonna be rich and famous so I won’t need math.’”

Marlene laughed at that. It was a weak laugh, sounding unfamiliar to her, but it felt good. She couldn’t remember the last time she had properly laughed. 

“Well, I wasn’t wrong…” she pointed out

“No, but you were fucking annoying.”

“Excuse you!” Marlene gasped, offended, “ We were annoying. Don’t forget that you were caught up in my antics as well.” 

“Only barely .” 

“Please,” Marlene waved a hand, “It was fifty-fifty.” 

“ No ,” the boy turned to her with an offended look of his own, “ You forced me to do everything for you just so you wouldn’t get caught.” 

Marlene thought of all the times she would force her little brother to carry out her pranks or enact her revenge whilst she sat back.

Okay so maybe Laurie was right. 

“God I was so glad when you went to Hogwarts and actually started doing school work.” Laurie breathed out. 

“Well, that was only because music is cool so I was okay with doing it.” 

“Yes, how cool .” Laurie deadpanned. 

“Hey,” Marlene turned to him, her turn to be offended, “how many little kids dream of growing up and doing biochem ? I’m living the life, man.” 

“And what a life:” Laurie replied, voice dripping with sarcasm. 

And, well, Laurie should’ve known that no one had the talent to annoy him quite like Marlene. 

“Well, I mean, I did meet-“

“How dare you bring that up.” Laurie’s face instantly soured. 

Marlene rolled her eyes and tried not to smile at the familiarity of the years-long argument, “I’ve told you before, it just wasn’t the vibe.” 

Laurie just glared at her but was met with a completely blank, unapologetic face before he snapped. 

“ Wasn’t the vibe my ass,” he muttered, “When you meet Stevie Nicks, you get an autograph for your brother who used to stare at the poster you hung up of her in our room as if she was a fucking god. It’s just common courtesy.” 

“I thought you only liked her because I liked her.” she shrugged, defending herself. 

Laurie looked even more angry, “Why would I do that?” 

“You used to like a lot of things just because I liked them.” she replied accusingly, “Like women, for instance.” 

“I don’t like women just because you like women.” he stared at her like she was deranged. 

“ I don’t know …”

“And, besides, I like men as well.”

“Yes but I’ve always just considered that part of the mental illness.” Marlene waved a hand. 

The other boy remained grumpy. 

Marlene turned back to him with a gentle smile, “Look, maybe if you get real good at biochem, you’ll get to meet her yourself.” 

Laurie didn’t reply with words but instead with a long-suffering sigh and a glare. For all their differences, the Mckinnon dramatics clearly ran strong in the family. 

“Stop sulking.” 

He crossed his arms, “Don’t speak to me.” 

“Well you’re the one who came here, interrupting my beauty sleep.” 

“Yeah, because I saw you had a concert on Saturday and I had to make sure that you hadn’t gone clinically insane!” he baulked. 

Oh . 

Well, yeah, okay, that checked out. 

Marlene looked at him more genuinely now, “I’m fine.”

Laurie looked back with a lot more worry in his eyes than Marlene had first detected, “Are you sure?”

She didn’t really think so, but Marlene nodded because what else were you supposed to say to your younger brother? 

Laurie continued, voice a bit lighter - nothing could stay too serious between them for long, “Because if not then maybe we can get checked into a hospital at the same time or something. Share bunk beds like we used to.”

A small smile etched its way onto Marlene’s cheeks, “Hmm maybe everyone on the ward could call us the Mckinnon siblings. We could walk around like those twins from the Shining.” 

Laurie’s face scrunched up into a laugh then, and Marlene instantly mirrored the action. Something about her felt lighter, less sludgy. There was something about feeling lost and untethered and remembering that you were a big sister that simply… anchored you down to more solid ground. It made Marlene feel more whole again. She wasn’t just a floating, flitting ball of grief. She was a person. She had other people tied to her. 

“I mean it, though.” she broke the small silence that had settled over them, “I’m fine.” 

“Well, it didn’t seem fine.” he mumbled. 

“It was.”

Laurie looked wary, “And Mary called me during your whole ‘missing’ debacle.” 

Marlene huffed, “What a snitch.” 

The boy in front of her rolled his eyes for what seemed like the millionth time during the conversation, “She wanted to know if I had seen you.” 

“Look, Laur, am I the best I’ve ever been? No. Is it… is it really difficult for me right now? Yes. But, you have to trust me when I say I’m fine.” 

Laurie’s face did not look convinced, but he dropped it, “I know , I just… I want to make things better the way you always made things better for me. When we were younger.” 

Marlene’s heart warmed up at that and she was unable to hold back the smile that crept onto her face, “You are. You always do.” 

Laurie looked back at her with big brown eyes and Marlene couldn’t help but see the little boy that had hidden behind her at family gatherings and looked to her for help in hospital beds. Someone who always thought she was good and who always looked to Marlene to help, not to fuck things up. 

God, she had really missed him lately. 

“So, that biochem exam,” Marlene began, changing the subject, trying to hold back the tears that had started to prick her eyes, “they always say that teaching others is one of the best forms of studying. I can help if you want.” 

Laurie smiled, “That would help a lot, actually. But I think I need to explain some basics so that you understand what I’m saying first.” 

“Sure.” 

Laurie turned his whole body to Marlene to sit cross-legged, “Okay, now I don’t remember at what point your school got to in bio but let’s start with this because you probably don’t know it:” he took a deep breath, “So, when a mom bee and a dad bee love each other very much, they-”

He was interrupted by the pillow that Marlene proceeded to throw flat at his face. 

****

Laurie had visited on Monday. Peter had brought over a large tupper of chicken noodle soup on Tuesday. Frank and Alice called every day to check up on her. Marlene was being waited on hand and foot by Mary who barely left her side, making the other girl food or putting her favourite movies on. Even McGonagall sent over some flowers and chocolates - expensive, fancy chocolates, but chocolates nonetheless. Because they all knew the drill. 

See, the thing people didn’t tell you about grief was that there was a certain point beyond it. Along the road you hit a wall where your brain and body gave up and couldn’t go on - like when machines overheated and they simply shut down. That was what it was like the week of Emmeline’s death. It wasn’t comfortable, but it was numbing. She felt like a trapped nerve, scratchy static in her brain on repeat. 

But Laurie’s visit had helped. It had brought her outside of her head a little. It reminded her that there was a world outside of her four walls of grief. 

And then there were Dorcas’ words that had been swirling around her mind ever since they had been uttered. 

I like you the way you are. 

Something so simple and so encompassing - too encompassing, really, for Dorcas to mean all that the statement entailed. But still. Marlene held the words close to her chest the way a child clings onto their toys when they want comfort. 

Did it change everything? Not really. Marlene was still stuck. She was still so fundamentally broken. But for the first time in a while it made her feel like Emmeline’s death was not something she had to move past or get over; maybe it wasn’t that simple. Maybe life wasn’t a railroad track and she was falling behind, blocked by a tree that had fallen on the line. 

The door to Marlene’s room opened and she was expecting it to be Mary who had gone to the store twenty minutes ago. Instead, she was greeted with a pale, dishevelled Sirius Black. 

God, he looked awful . 

“Good to know you look as shit as I feel.” 

Sirius’ glare in return had no real malice to it as he threw off his shoes and threw himself on the bed. He pooled the comforter up to his chest, lost in thought. Marlene could see the dark purple rings under his eyes. 

“So to what do I owe this pleasure?” Marlene asked when it was clear he wasn’t going to offer the information up himself. 

“I needed to get out of the house.” was the monotone reply, “but I also had to go somewhere I could mope in peace.” 

From her spot on the pillow Marlene gave him a sad smile, “Well, you’ve come to the right place, you can always mope with me.” 

Sirius gave her a look as if he was realising for the first time, below the layers of messy hair and puffy eyes, just how truly awful the other girl looked. 

In a softer voice, he began, “So how are you?”

“Me?” Marlene replied, deadpan, “Wonderful. You?” 

The corners of Sirius’ mouth turned upwards, instantly mirroring Marlene, “Swell.” 

He really did look as awful as Marlene felt - they didn’t even have to talk about it, but she just knew. She understood everything Sirius was feeling. 

The boy sighed, “God, everytime this time of year comes around I just wish I could fucking press forward. I don’t want to do it anymore. I always end up having the same conversations over and over again it’s always the fucking same.” 

It struck Marlene that grief was one of the most boring things she’d ever experienced. Nothing ever changed, there was rarely a new layer found. It was a dull, boring ache, like brain cells tying themselves up in knots. 

“Do you think it ever gets better?” she asked, not really knowing the answer herself. 

“Not really. I don’t think it ever gets less painful. I guess you just learn not to think about it so much.” 

Marlene shrugged as she sat up in her bed. She guessed that was probably true. 

“I just…” Sirius was looking down, fiddling with the blankets, “I think it would be easier if she wasn’t such a big part of who I was now. I’d probably be able to forget it more.” 

Marlene knew the feeling. She probably owed half her career to the other girl. 

“True, but then who would you be?”

Sirius looked at her, “Less jaded, probably.”

“With your family?” Marlene raised an eyebrow, unable to help herself from trying to make the boy smile, “Please.”

Sirius’ eyes smiled in amusement, “Okay, so maybe not, but I think I would be more well-adjusted.”

“Well, you certainly wouldn’t have stolen so much of my fucking eyeliner growing up.” the other girl grumbled.

Sirius laughed then, his face scrunched up, “Well, she taught me how to do the perfect wing - what was I supposed to do?”

 And this felt right. Easy. Perhaps it was because Marlene had been racked with so much returning grief the past year - she had tired herself out. There was nothing left to give. Perhaps there was a certain point that you exhausted all the things that made you sad about death - used them up until they were discoloured, plain - and now the only thing left to do was find something better.

Maybe she would never leave Emmeline behind. Maybe she didn’t have to. Maybe grief wasn’t about that. 

I like you the way you are 

Marlene smiled slightly, recalling the memory of Emmeline teaching Sirius how to do his makeup in a cramped and dirty backstage room. 

“You know, that day was the first day I caught her using.” 

Marlene used to feel angry when she thought about it. At herself, she guessed, but mostly at Emmeline. Like throwing stones at a wall. It was pointless. She was still dead by the end of it. 

Sirius breathed out, “All memories about her seem to always go back to that.”

“Yeah,” Marlene agreed, “But they also go back to other things - huh, Pluto?”

The other boy rolled his eyes at the familiar nickname as Marlene’s face cracked into a grin, “God I haven’t heard that in ages .”

Marlene felt a stab of sadness at that - they stopped calling him that when Em died, because it reminded them too much of her nickname. 

Like he was reading her mind, Sirius said, “Emmeline understood me in a way most people never have. Not necessarily in a way that was more correct but in just… a different way.” He was looking down now, rubbing his knuckles against one another, “When everyone else saw me as broken she saw me as something to be fixed. And I liked being fixed.”

It sort of hit Marlene how much they hadn’t really changed from their past selves - new issues, same broken people. But there was something comforting in that.

“I’m glad I met her.” Marlene said with surety. 

It was something so simple to have to say about someone who died, yet something that Marlene hadn’t really believed for a long time. 

“I’m glad I met all of you.” was Sirius’ response. His face betrayed a small smile, “You and your torn up tights.”

“ Stop .” Marlene was sure her face was turning red. 

“What? I thought they were cute.”

Marlene fixed him with a look of disbelief.

“What? I did.” Sirius smiled, “I loved teenage Marlene. She was a walking hazard. I honestly don’t know how you made it out of those years alive.”

And it was such a horrific, poorly timed joke that Marlene couldn’t help but burst into laughter, “ Oh my God .”

“Okay, I didn’t mean it like-”

But the other boy was cut off by her hysterical laughter. 

“Okay,” he continued, “All I meant was that you walked around like nothing could fucking touch you but you were iterally seventeen.”

Marlene’s laughter eventually died down, “Yeah, Okay. To be honest, I scare myself looking back, sometimes.”

“I remember when I first saw you with that skirt that you had clearly cut with scissors to be shorter, your ripped up tights, a t-shirt you had also cut the neckline and bottom of and your fucking crazy hair that kept falling out of its ponytail despite the fifty clips you put in it.”

Marlene buried her hands in her face, “You know, I never thought I’d say this but my mom was right: I did dress like my parents didn’t love me.”

The other boy intervened with a dismissive tone, “Don’t say that as if you’re any different now .”

“I like to think I look a bit less like I’ve been tied to the back of a truck and dragged through the woods, thanks.” the other girl replied, mildly offended. 

“Yeah, barely .”

Marlene threw her pillow at him, “Like you dressed any better.”

“What do you mean?”

“You dressed like a male hooker.”

“... don’t I still?”

Marlene glared at the other boy, before eventually letting up and settlin back down under the duvet, “Okay, fine, so neither of us have changed much since our teenage years.”

Sirius snorted, “Kinda depressing, huh?”

“Yeah.” the other girl nodded, “But also comforting in a way.”

“Yeah. I like feeling young. I don’t think I got to do it alot.”

Marlene thought of all the times she pretended to be eighteen, of all the clubs she snuck into and all the booze and drugs she took. How she wanted to grow up so bad. How she hated the boredom and powerlessness of being young. How, sometimes, she kind of wished she had just stayed home and watched TV with her brothers. 

“Me too,” she replied, “Although, that’s mostly my fault.”

Sirius looked lost in thought, “You know, I don’t think I ever understood what it meant to be young until I met you and James.”

Marlene was surprised at that, “Really?”

“Yeah.” the other boy shrugged, “Don’t get me wrong, maybe it wasn’t the purest most unadulterated form of childhood, but I don’t think I would have ever understood what it felt like to be a teenager if I hadn’t met you guys.

“You guys felt like one of those songs people write about being young and dumb. You snuck out from your parents’ house, you crashed parties and made fun of almost everyone there.”

Marlene smiled. That was a nice way to look at it. 

“Yeah, I guess James and I found a way to make the most of it.”

There were bad things about those years but there were good things also. But, really, she guessed it didn’t matter. It was all just a conglomerate ball of Marlene Mckinnon - the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, if anything, she found comfort in the fact that she was as much the good parts of herself as she was the bad parts. 

Out of everything, though, she found comfort in the fact that she found James. 

“You should really talk to him.” she hummed, not needing to explain what she was referring to. 

It was just that Sirius idolised James in a way that Marlene never really had. The truth was that James had his own good, bad, and ugly, and loving someone for how good their good traits were didn’t exclude them having any bad ones. 

Beside her, Sirius sighed, “Yeah. I know.”

****

Emmeline’s death fell on a Friday that year, so Marlene spent three hours trying to convince Mary to go out to one of the many, many parties she had been invited to. 

“Will you fuck off, I’m not leaving you today.” Mary huffed as she began folding Marlene’s laundry without even thinking about it. 

“But you haven’t been out all week.” Marlene huffed.

“Neither have you.” she pointed out. 

Marlene rolled her eyes, “Yes, but I’ve been in mourning and you haven’t.”

“I was taking care of you!”

“And I love and appreciate that,” Marlene smiled, “But you don’t have to.”

Mary rolled her eyes, “I know I don’t have to.”

“I just don’t like forcing you to stay in all week…”

Mary replied with a sharper tone, “Look, Marls, I don’t know at what point I convinced you that I’m the type of person that would do something if they didn’t want to, but I’m not.”

Marlene sat back down in the bed, thinking of options. She didn’t want to be looked after all the time, especially since she didn’t feel it was necessary. It made her feel smothered. This week hadn’t been as bad as the last few years - she didn’t really know why, but it hadn’t - so she didn’t need to have Mary act like a built-in servant. 

“Okay, well I’m sure you’d at least like to see Lily.”

She could tell that Mary’s brain caught onto that. She tried to play it casual, “I called her this morning.”

Instead of replying, Marlene fixed the other girl with a look. Mary just stared back defensively, an eyebrow slightly raised. 

To their silent conversation, Mary finally spoke up, “She’s fine.”

“She’s alone.”

“She’s… okay yes she’s alone.”

“So go visit her.”

“Why do you want me out of the house so much?” Mary asked, clearly trying to change the focus. 

“Because I’m going to throw a big big party.” Marlene replied, voice dripping with sarcasm. 

Mary rolled her eyes but there was no real malice to it. She continued folding the clothes, silent in thought. Marlene picked at a loose thread on one of her bedsheets. 

Eventually the other girl spoke up, “How about I bring her here ?” 

It was a small victory, she supposed, but Marlene smiled smugly anyway, “That would be nice.” 

And it would - or, at the very least, it would be distracting. It would help Marlene feel like less of a burden, like an anchor dragging on the ocean floor, holding them back. 

“Thanks for being so cool about everything, by the way.” Mary said in a more serious tone as she squeezed herself on the bed next to her, “I know I don't have to say thank you… but still. Thanks.”

Marlene smiled to herself. Mary and Lily had been like two planets orbiting each other for the past few years, tiptoeing around the truth. There was something so beautiful about seeing two of the people she loved most in the world making each other happy. It filled her with an odd sense of pride.

“Please,” she waved a hand, “Honestly I think I’m more happy about this than either of you. Being around you two was getting torturous.”

Mary flicked her a dismissive look, “Don’t exaggerate.”

“Trust me, I’m not .” Marlene laughed, “At least Remus and Sirius got their shit together years ago. I had to deal with all the jealous looks and silent treatments you used to throw at each other.”

“It wasn’t that bad-”

“There were times where I chose to hang out with men over you guys.” Marlene looked at her, pained expression, “ Men , Mary.”

Mary gave an equally horrified look in return, “Oh my God I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah. It was rough.”

Their faces both broke into smiles.

“Besides,” Marlene continued, “Lily is one of the few people I think is actually worthy to date you.”

Mary’s smile turned a bit more self-conscious then. More like a lovesick teenager, “Yeah, she’s the best.”

“Always.”

“And she’s pretty.” Mary added. 

“Very.” the other girl nodded, “Your babies will beat all the other babies at the pageant contests.”

“Pageant contests?” Mary asked, a hint of scandal in her voice, “Aim higher.”

“Ummm… President of the United States?”

“Definitely.” Mary nodded, “I mean, with Lily’s brains-”

“- and your people skills-”

“ - that baby is going to rule the world.”

“And I would make such a good aunt.” Marlene carried on in a dramy voice, “I could buy her her first bottle of Tequila…”

“Yes, well, visits to auntie Marls will be supervised.”

“And I know people who would be able to beat up anyone who tried anything with her.” she continued. 

Mary chuckled, “God, we sound crazy. Lily and I haven’t even been going out for that long.”

“Yeah, but you guys are forever. I can tell.” Marlene dismissed them.

And she really did. She couldn’t even point to the exact thing that made them click but they just did . 

“How corny.” Mary smiled self-consciously. 

Marlene gasped in dramatics, “Don’t you mean how romantic ? You’re the one that’s supposed to be all loved up.” 

“What? And you’re not?” Mary countered. 

Sometimes, Marlene really hated having friends who were comfortable enough around her to tell her anything. 

“Don’t turn this on me .”

Mary turned over in the bed so that her whole body was facing the other girl, “Look, I know I’m generally not the nicest about the people you date-”

Marlene laughed instinctively, “ Not the nicest ? Mary, you have defended me blindly even in situations when I, objectively, was a bitch.”

The other girl rolled her eyes, “Look, whatever, the point is I actually like this one, Marls.”

She said the last bit with a sincerity that made Marlene pause.

She smiled, “Have you ever even said a nice word to her?”

“Well, she doesn’t need to know.” Mary’s smile was sly, before she went back to her sincere tone, “No, but seriously-”

“It’s all casual.”

Mary turned to fix her with a look of deep incredulity. 

“It is.” Marlene repeated. 

“Didn’t she like remember a tiny throwaway comment you made that led her to the church?” Mary pointed out. 

“Yeah, but she probably just has good memory.”

Marlene didn’t want to get her hopes up again. She didn’t want to throw her heart around so much. It felt bruised in her chest. 

“You should see the way she is around you-”

“Mary, don’t.”

“No, I’m sorry.” Mary’s voice was a bit more definitive now, “I won’t let you let this pass you by. She’s into you. Like, really into you.”

Before Marlene could protest, Mary waived a hand and continued speaker, “Look, I’ve never seen someone who is such a stone cold bitch melt just by being next to you. It’s like you send her world off balance.

“And,” her voice was softer now, “I think she could be really good for you. You guys just… I don’t know, Marls, I’ve never seen someone match you the way she does.”

Marlene sighed, her own voice a bit smaller now, “I’ll ruin it. I always do.” 

Mary’s face was full of sadness, “Marls, you go around thinking you’re this tornado, just tearing up people’s lives, but you’re what everyone is looking for. You’re- you’re so fiercely loving and so fucking funny and you make my day better just by asking me what cereal I want in the morning. I don’t…” she sighed, “I’m not a poet. I’m not a songwriter. I don’t know how to really make you understand all the ways I love you and all the ways you are loved but know that you are. And know that it would be a waste of a life not to open yourself up to things like this.”

Marlene didn’t respond - she didn’t know how. It was like a truck had been rammed into her chest. She felt incredibly lonely all of a sudden, like she was just realising how much she had shut herself away. 

Later, when Mary and Lily had gone to bed, Marlene lay still in her bed as the hours stretched by in silence, awake. It had been a strangely okay week - definitely not as bad as it had been before. Marlene was trying to put her finger on what had changed. She was coming up empty. 

Instead, what was coming up was guilt. Guilt she knew she shouldn’t be feeling. And like clockwork, her mind turned to the familiar itch. Just a few sips. Just something to make it easier to sleep. To dull her mind. 

Nothing about you could ever be awful 

But how could anyone think that? How could someone have seen Marlene that day at the church and think that? 

It would be a waste of a life not to open yourself up to things like this.

Marlene picked up the phone and dialled. It was late, she probably wouldn’t get a reply. 

Dorcas picked up the phone on the fourth ring. 

“Hello?”

Her voice sounded sleepy. Marlene tried not to let her brain get stuck on it. 

“Hey, Cas, I know it’s late but I just… I don’t know.”

Her own voice sounded weak, about to cry. 

Because she felt so unstable, so completely balancing on the edge. On one side was the fortress of stone she had created, arms at the ready to be used at anyone who came close. And on the other were sweet words that made Marlene’s chest flutter. I like you the way you are . A person who made her feel special. Because that was the word - no grand romantic metaphors needed. She felt special. She felt like someone you could hold and keep to your chest, not because you were scared they were going to break, but because it was the closest you could physically get to someone’s heart, because a small part of your brain hoped that you could press enough that you would merge into one being. 

Nothing about you could ever be awful 

And yet it could. It was awful how much Marlene wanted Dorcas. How much she thought about her. How much she consumed her brain until she felt it was on fire. 

But, this time, she didn’t hold back. She let it consume her. And it didn’t even feel like burning. It felt like cleansing. 

It felt like reaching out. Like the first good thing she’d done in a while. 

“I just… I really need you right now.”