the fleetwood mac era begins
Lily threw her sunglasses off as she jumped back into the Jeep. She dropped Remus’ drink into the cup holder as the other boy pulled out of the parking lot.
“Get recognised?” Remus asked absentmindedly as he swerved into a lane to his left.
Despite what most people would think, Remus was a reckless driver. He flipped people off if they annoyed him on the road and he last-minute swerved out of freeways like it was an Olympic sport. Lily had seen the boy flirt his way out of too many tickets to count - honestly, how the state of California ever allowed that man to drive was nothing short of miraculous. This was all applicable unless he was driving with Sirius, of course. Whenever Sirius was in the car, Remus made a point to signal all his turns carefully and drive at the speed limit, just so he could claim superiority over the boy, who was perhaps an even worse driver than him. If that was possible.
“Nah.” Lily replied as she sipped on her iced coffee, “The sunglasses always work. Only old people go there anyways.”
The sun was less harsh now that it was mid afternoon and Remus took a turn, driving them back towards Marlene’s. Most celebrities Lily knew always drove with private chauffeurs and had assistants make coffee runs for them, but she hated having any sort of team around her. It was probably a side-effect of getting famous so young - something as simple as getting a coffee with your friend became a sacred activity Lily did not want to lose.
She kept changing the radio station every two seconds, hating each song that came on. Eventually, she came across one of their songs - an old one, from their second album - and kept it on. She grinned at the other boy as he rolled his eyes, muttering something about narcissism.
She took another sip of her drink and made a sour face, “This coffee blows.”
Remus hummed in agreement as he took a sip of his own, “We should get a new place - the coffee hasn’t been good since they switched owners.”
“I hate the fact that she felt the need to retire just as we had discovered that spot.” Lily put the sunglasses back on as the sun shone onto her face. She crossed her arms in a childish pout, “I mean, I feel like we really had a bond.”
“We met her once.” the other boy replied, unimpressed.
“Yeah,” she scoffed, “but she laughed at all my jokes and called me sweetheart.”
Remus sighed, “I guess that just wasn’t enough to keep her in her monotonous, tiring, stressful job as the owner of a small and understaffed coffee shop. How sad.”
In return, Lily glared at him through her sunglasses, “Don’t mock me.”
Remus looked back at her with a flat stare.
“I would never.” he replied in a tone that most definitely meant he would.
Shoving him lightly, she turned back to look out of the window of the car. The sun was warm on her skin - Lily’s freckles always got darker in the summer, which she liked.
“Doesn’t Buffy start at six?” Remus asked as they stopped at a red light, “Why are you going to Marlene’s so early?”
Marlene, Lily, Mary, and Sirius had never missed an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer since it had first started airing. They had all been completely hooked. Remus had never really gotten into it, and James and Peter both experienced intense fazes of really liking it and then being extremely bored by it. Lily, however, had been a fan since day one.
“I want to get there early to talk a bit, you know, see how she’s doing.”
Out of the corner of her eye, Lily could see a group of teens in the car next to them who had started staring and whispering excitedly amongst themselves. Lily gave them a wave as the light turned green and the car started moving, after which they all immediately burst into smiles and more furious whispering. Lily turned back, and tried to push down any anxiety she had in her chest as they turned onto Marlene’s road.
Things with Mary had been strange recently - strange in that Mary acted like everything was normal when they were in front of their friends, but as soon as they weren’t, she avoided her like the plague. Lily didn’t know what she did, but it had been that way since New York. It felt like having a limb detached - not even painful, yet, but just odd; a feeling Lily hadn’t really experienced since she had met the other girl. She knew that at some point she would move onto anger, but at this stage, she was just confused.
Pushing down another wave of nerves, Lily waved at the security guards as they entered their section of the road. After saying her goodbyes to Remus, she jumped out of the car and rang the doorbell.
It opened to reveal Marlene in a Blondie t-shirt she had ripped up to ‘look cooler’ when they were younger and some plaid boxers. Her hair was frizzy. She looked like she had just gotten out of bed.
At Lily’s greeting, Marlene just yawned in response.
“What a shit way to greet your guests.”
“Fuck off.” Marlene replied as she turned around and walked back into the living room, leaving the door open for Lily.
As she walked in, Lily looked around for Mary. Their house was always completely stuffed with as many objects as they could muster - vinyls, plants, paintings, or just general clutter. Lily had always loved Mary and Marlene’s house - there was something so homely about it. Or maybe that’s just because it reminded her of the other two girls. Still, there was no sign of Mary. When her eyes met Marlene’s again, she was already watching her with an unimpressed look.
“She’s not here this week. She’s got a modelling thing.”
With as straight a face as she could muster, Lily innocently replied, “What do you mean?”
Marlene just glared at her, “I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.”
Lily flipped the other girl off before moving on, “So is James coming?”
“Nope.” Marlene replied with a flat grin as she threw herself onto the couch, “And thus, the Fleetwood Mac era begins.”
Lily snorted a laugh as she joined the other girl on the couch, “And where are you in all this drama?”
“Oh I’m totally Mick Fleetwood pre-Stevie Nicks affair, you know?” she answered as if it was obvious, waving a hand around for emphasis, “I’m uninvolved.”
“Uninvolved?” Lily asked, raising an eyebrow.
She picked up one of the bowls in the centre of the table filled with popcorn and placed it on her lap as she settled in.
When she looked back up, she was greeted with Marlene’s flat stare, “Yes, uninvolved.”
“Is that what you and Dorcas are calling it now?” Lily mused, “I thought it was ‘complicated’ or ‘never gonna work out’-”
She wasn’t able to finish before the other girl uttered an offended gasp and shoved her with her foot.
“Gross! What, I’m telling the truth!” Lily defended herself.
“Well, no one likes a truth-teller.”
“Would you prefer for me to lie to you?”
“Yes, always.” Marlene grinned as she grabbed a red licorice stick, “But seriously, if this keeps interfering with Buffy night I’m gonna start having problems.”
Lily rolled her eyes in response, “Well, what am I supposed to do?”
“I don’t know.” Marlene shrugged with an evil grin, “Don’t develop feelings for your best friend.”
“Fuck you.”
“It’s true, though.”
Lily pointed at the other girl accusingly with her red licorice stick, “I thought no one liked a truth-teller?”
With a grin, the other girl conceded, “Touché.”
If there was one thing Lily could always count on Marlene for, it was to be honest. After years on tours, seeing each other at their most exhausted and burnt out, Marlene and her didn’t really hide anything from each other. It was always out there in the open. It was rare to find a friendship like that - one where the other person could point out your deepest flaw and it wouldn’t really hurt. They threw insults at each other like it was second nature and threw compliments just as easily.
“I just… well, I mean I see it from her point of view as well,” Lily began, “She’s just not a vulnerable person and it makes sense she wouldn’t want to put her heart out there. I can’t get mad at her for that. And anyways, it’s not like I’m that open either.”
She turned around to see the other girl giving her a flat stare.
“What?”
Marlene stared at her a bit more, before finally taking in a deep breath and giving her a feigned sweet grin, “Do you ever get tired of being so perfect?”
Lily instantly rolled her eyes, “Oh fuck off-”
Marlene laughed, “No, really, do you ever think anyone is actually capable of wrong?”
“Of course I do!” Lily defended herself, “It just doesn’t mean that they’re trying to do wrong.”
“You really missed a career as some sort of psychologist or something,” Marlene looked appalled, “Sometimes you don’t have to see everything from the other person’s point of view.”
“That sounds like dangerous logic.”
Marlene was more of a person who acted on impulse, which worked well for her - sometimes - but Lily just wasn’t like that. She didn’t even know what her impulse was.
“Nah,” Marlene shook her head, stealing some of Lily’s popcorn, “Like, obviously don’t be a dick, but honestly Lils - and I’m saying this because I love you - you’re too smart for your own good.”
“You know, I don’t really think that’s possible.”
The other girl looked at her squarely, “If you sit there and just explain everything away, nothing’s ever gonna get done. You’re always going to be in the exact same place you started.”
Lily sighed, finally defeated, as Marlene picked up the remote and started flicking idly through the channels, “Yeah, I know.”
It just wasn’t the same for her. Lily wasn’t a black and white person, everything existed on a spectrum of grey.
“I feel like it would be easier if I could just drunkenly hook up with her and then move on from there.” Lily stated, dejectedly, as both girls watched an animated duck try to sell them cleaning products on the TV.
The girl in front of her sputtered a laugh, “Trust me, that is not your solution.”
“Oh,” Lily countered, “So you’re saying hooking up with Dorcas didn’t speed anything up?”
“Maybe it sped it up, but it also made it fucking complicated.”
Lily raised an eyebrow, “Wasn’t it already complicated?”
“Well, yeah - umm, I guess - but- “ the other girl sputtered, “Hang on, why has this become about me?”
“Sorry.” Lily realised she was probably getting too defensive. She put her head in her hands, “It’s just so…”
She just wasn’t the type of person to hook up with other people. Or like sex at all, really. She wasn’t necessarily opposed, she just never really felt the need. But it seemed like that was the only way people ever interacted in Hollywood, all her friends included. It got tiring real fast, honestly. Sometimes she wished she could just purge sex from the world - create a universe in which people didn’t even know it existed - so she didn’t have to feel so fucking out of the loop. Because she knew that if she wanted to have sex, her and Mary would already be something. Hell, they’d probably be halfway down the fucking aisle by now.
“It’s just so inconvenient.” she finished.
“Dude,” Marlene sighed, a sad expression on her face, “I think you just have to talk to her.”
Lily turned and gave the other girl a horrified look, “But I’m so shit at communicating.”
Marlene returned her expression of worry, “Yeah, you are.”
“Well, good to know you have no problem in that department.” Lily glared at the other girl for her insult.
Marlene just nodded, “Yeah.”
“Ugh. I hate it when you’re right.”
“You know, an old lady in a grocery store onced stopped me and said I looked wise beyond my years.” Marlene mused as she threw some popcorn in her mouth.
“Was she blind?”
The other girl laughed, “No, but I was buying, like, four tubs of marshmallow fluff so I don’t really know how she came to that conclusion.”
A laugh bubbled out of Lily’s chest, making everything seem slightly less tight.
It was only a few minutes later that they heard a ring at the doorbell and Sirius appeared, four Buffy t-shirts in tow.
“Presents!” he grinned.
He threw them at each girl in turn, before coming short, “Where’s Mary?”
“At a modelling thing.” Marlene replied.
“Yikes, that bad huh?” the boy grimaced in Lily’s direction.
“Tell me about it,” Marlene replied before Lily could. She shot the girl a thankful look - she didn’t really know what else to say, “It’s like mom and dad are fighting all over again.”
Sirius looked a bit tense himself, like he hadn’t really gotten much sleep. That would probably be about the whole James thing, though Lily didn’t really know what was going on there. In all honesty, she had enough brain space for her own love life and maybe, very occasionally, Marlene’s. Still, the tension seemed to seep out of him as the episode began and they all momentarily paused their own lives to scream at Buffy through the TV about hers.
After it had finished, not content to leave each other and go back home, they decided to see what else was on TV. Eventually they settled on a Fame marathon playing on another channel. Soon, Sirius and Marlene fell asleep, but Lily could never sleep anywhere that wasn’t a bed. She decided to stay anyway and catch the end of the marathon.
During an ad break, she went to the kitchen to get a glass of water. She left the other two on the couch. They both looked so angelic as they slept, so completely different to their woken state. It almost made Lily laugh.
Flipping the light switch in the kitchen, she noticed Marlene and Mary’s calendar below - a ‘hot priest’ one they had found last year. Her eyes tried, and failed, to escape the ominous ‘X’ on one of the days; Lily didn’t need a calendar to mark it out. She would probably remember the date of Emmeline’s death even when she was old and senile.
That was probably one of the reasons she felt so odd lately, like her skin prickled. The month of August was always a specific type of torture. They couldn’t just put their entire life on pause, nor could Lily physically be sad for thirty days straight without respite, so they had to find a way to carry on. In the end, they were just left in this catatonic state, waiting to decimate. Marlene seemed better this year, though, so she supposed she had to cling on to every positive she could get.
Still, everything surrounding Emmeline’s death was so fucked. It was just this clouded mess in her mind, like she couldn’t even directly think about Em’s death, like her brain had put a blockade. She supposed it was one of the better ways of coping - it certainly made it more bearable anytime Dumbledore felt the need to parade their little tragedy about. God, Lily just wanted to tear her own skin off sometimes.
She swore that she was stronger when she was younger. Somehow, fifteen year old Lily had been more brazen and unapologetic than twenty-four year old Lily. Before Em’s death, Lily had that sort of stupid, childish idea that nothing bad could ever really happen to them. To her, death wasn’t really a thing that visited eighteen year old children. She guessed that now she just knew the truth.
She ambled over to the sink and pulled out a glass. The house was silent and the only thing that could be heard was the sound of the water pouring into the cup. She held the glass up to her cheek, the water feeling cool against her skin.
Would it have been easier to not make that discovery so young? Would she be any different now?
She sighed and set the glass down. Late nights always made her so reflective.
“Hey.”
Lily spun around to come face to face with Mary, standing in the doorway to the kitchen. Her eyes were adorned in light pink shimmer and rhinestones. Her pink dress was cut asymmetrically and one of the sleeves was falling off her shoulder slightly, revealing one of her collarbones. She looked like a fucking statue, as if someone has spent days carving her perfectly. Lily felt like her heart had stilled. Fuck, she really did not need this.
“Hey.” Lily repeated, like some fucking idiot.
“You okay?”
“Yeah. Missed a wild Buffy episode though.”
“Don’t spoil it-”
“Buffy fucked Spike.”
“Dammit!” Mary looked back at her with a playfully angry expression, her eyes catching the light of the kitchen, “Sad I missed it.”
It ticked Lily off the wrong way - just a small grain of sand in the machine, but enough to cause a disturbance. Marlene’s words echoed in Lily’s mind.
“Yeah, why did you miss it?”
Mary’s eyes momentarily caught onto something like startled panic, before it was gone just as quickly. She lazily placed a hand on the kitchen counter to steady herself as she slipped off her silver heels.
“Prada event. You know.” She waved a hand dismissively.
But Lily didn’t feel like backing down. Not right now. She had spent years backing down. Just once, she wanted something to finally come to a head.
“Mary, you flew us all out to Milan during fashion week - we watched the episode backstage just before you were about to walk the runway. You never miss Buffy.”
Mary responded with something close to a breathy laugh, although it sounded like it was borne out of frustration more than anything.
“I just couldn’t miss this one, okay?” Then, in a quieter voice, she said, “Can you just let it drop?”
Mary looked uncomfortable, and it was late, and Lily was tired, but she couldn’t just let it drop. They’d spent too long doing that, walking on eggshells. Despite every single muscle telling her not to, she decided to ignore it. Be dumb.
“No.”
“Lils-”
“No. You don’t get to decide that. You don’t get to decide where and when we have this conversation.”
“It’s late-”
“Yeah, because you decided to go to some fucking model thing instead of watching Buffy like we have every week when it was on for the past five years!” Lily furiously whispered, still careful enough not to try and wake the others.
“God, if I knew you cared so much about Buffy I wouldn’t have gone…”
.
Lily felt her nerve endings start setting on fire. Slowly, but with conviction, she said, “It’s not just about Buffy and you know that.”
Mary looked at her warily for a few seconds, stretching the silence. In her brown eyes, Lily could see scales, weighing everything up.
Finally, she let out a breath, “So we’re doing this?”
Lily didn’t need to ask to know what ‘this’ was. It was the conversation she had been dreading for five years.
“Yeah.”
Mary nodded, dazed, “Okay, but let’s go outside so that we don’t wake the others up.”
They walked over to the garden door in silence. It was one of those rustic wooden ones, with the curving black metal doorknob. The outside air was cool. Lily took a breath in before she turned to the other girl, who was slowly and quietly shutting the door behind her.
Mary moved forward a few steps, before stretching her hands out almost in surrender, “Okay. Say everything you want to say.”
Lily’s mind stilled.
“What, so now you want to be silent?” Mary crossed her arms in front of her, “Now you don’t want to talk it out?”
Lily looked at the other girl. A wave of exhaustion ran through her.
“God, Mary, aren’t you tired?”
“Of what?”
“Of all of this.” she gestured between them, “I don’t think I can do it anymore.”
Mary wore a curious mask of emotions, but Lily could see through each one. That was the beauty of never being able to take her eyes off the other girl; she learnt what every eyebrow twitch and curvature of the lip meant. What the emotions themselves meant, however, she couldn’t figure out.
Mary didn’t move at all; she just stood there, once again like a solemn statue. It made Lily feel like a worshipper, pouring her heart out to a saint in the hopes that it took pity on her.
Without a trace of emotion in her voice, Mary replied, “What do you mean?”
“I just… I can’t sit here waiting anymore. I can’t sit here hoping that you’re finally ready for a relationship, that you’ve decided.” Lily began, not really being able to stop the outpoor, “Because it’s been like this for years and it’s just torture, Mary. We keep torturing each other. We can’t let the other close and we can’t let the other go.
“Do you know what it has felt like these past few days, with you ignoring me? I don’t want to feel like that. Put the fucking bandaid on or let me bleed to death but don’t just sit there inbetween, deciding. You’ve been deciding for years and I’m just… not that strong. I don’t have it in me.”
When she had finished her outburst, the silence stretched out between them, tangible, thin. The only sound to be heard was Lily, almost out of breath, just waiting.
“I… I do like you.” The other girl finally replied, before huffing a sad laugh, “God, that sounds so pathetically simple compared to what you just said.”
Lily took a deep breath. She wasn’t able to bask in the confirmation as her insides prepared her for what she was going to say next.
“But do you like me enough?”
“Enough?”
“Yes, enough. Enough to commit to me.”
And it felt so stupid to ask someone if they were worth being in a relationship with. It felt stupid even having to utter the sentiment in words. But Lily needed words, she needed the stone cold proof.
In front of her, Mary’s eyes turned sad, and Lily prepared herself for what was about to happen.
“I don’t think you want me to commit to you.”
So that’s it, huh? Lily thought, That’s how this ends. Well, you can’t say you didn’t see it coming.
“What do you mean?”
Mary sighed, a self-deprecating smile on her lips, “I’m selfish, Lily, and I know we always pass it off as a joke, but it’s true. I can love someone but that love can turn to hate just as easily. I’m rude, and sometimes I don’t realise it but more often than not I do. And I’m vindictive.
“It’s not that I think I’m an awful person, it’s just that you’re… you. Lily, you’re probably the best person I know. You’re so good, and you don’t even try.
“And I don’t want you to hate me,” she said, in a quieter voice, but still clearly trying to remain as stoic as she could, “I don’t think I could take it if you did.”
They stood there in silence again as Lily took it all in.
“Mary, I could never hate you.” she confessed, though it felt like something embarrassing to say, because Lily meant it.
Fuck, Mary could probably do anything to her and Lily would still love her, like a fucking kicked puppy.
Lily stepped forward, tentatively, until she was an arm’s distance away from the other girl.
“I like that you’re vain,” she smiled, sadly, like all of this was something that she would regret saying, “You’re pretty enough for it.”
Mary gave her a small smile at that.
“Honestly, Mary, I just really fucking like you. There’s nothing about you that could blindside me - I’ve known you long enough to know every flaw and have seen it in action. I still…” Lily took a breath, because, like Marlene said, she was being dumb tonight, she was letting it all out, “I still think you’re beautiful. I still think that every moment spent away from you is a moment wasted, I still can’t ever seem to take my eyes off you in a crowded room, I still feel like sucker punching whoever tries and flirts with you. I could never hate you. Honestly, you could try and make me, but I just don’t think it would work.”
Mary looked back at her, mouth open slightly, eyes swimming with emotions that, this time, were buried too far for Lily to recognise. Maybe Lily had fucked it. Maybe this wasn’t something Mary could come back from.
But then the other girl surged forward, and their kiss felt like exhaling out a breath Lily didn’t even know she had been holding.