bonnie and clyde
Dorcas fumbled for the doorknob behind Marlene, who she was currently pressing against the hotel room door. She opened it eventually and Dorcas tried to steady them both from falling backwards with a hand on the other girl’s waist.
Their kiss wasn’t soft. It was needy, desperate, like they were going to be forced to stop any time soon, like they had to make the most of this while they still could. Marlene’s lips on hers felt like static, spilling through her whole body. Dorcas was feeling everything too strongly as she pressed the other girl up against the wall. Instead of pulling away, like the rational part of her brain was screaming at her to do, she gave in to the other part, the part that saw Marlene and never wanted to be anywhere else.
Dorcas ran her hand through the other girl’s curls, unable to help the grin that made its way onto her face as the other girl groaned in response. She pulled the other girl closer, kissing deeply and fiercely, following a small impulse in her mind that simply wanted to weld them into one being. This wasn’t a good idea. Fuck. Marlene unbuttoned Dorcas’ shirt, moving to press kisses down her jaw and neck. She felt her mind go dangerously blank, like a tidal wave, just being slowly drowned. Dorcas chased the other girl’s lips.
Distractedly, she pushed the hem of Marlene’s skirt up, hand going up her thigh. She could feel Marlene smile. God, she was stupid to ever think she could walk away from this. Just stupid, stupid, stupid.
Taking her from the waist, Dorcas pulled backwards, moving them towards the other side of the room. When they reached the bed, Dorcas pushed the other girl down - not harshly, but not exactly gently. Just… in whatever way this was. Marlene’s hair fanned out, messy, delicate. The corners of her mouth were turned up in a smile, but her eyes glared, almost challenging, so completely full of life. Life that Dorcas didn’t have. Life that Dorcas only felt when she was with the other girl. Marlene warmed her up from the inside out, like living fire. Dorcas thought that she would let herself burn. For Marlene, she would.
For Marlene, she was.
********
After that first time, it happened more and more - just hands pulling Dorcas into a nearby closet or eyes shooting her a look that left her utterly incompetent until she could find Marlene alone. It was stupid - she knew that - and risky. Above all, Dorcas worried that it was cruel. But maybe she valued herself too highly; after all, it was Marlene who had said it meant nothing. Dorcas wasn’t dumb enough to think that it meant nothing to herself, but she just couldn’t help it. She was… they were… it was fine. Dorcas had it under control.
They were in some stylish loft in Soho for a party. The ceilings were high, the windows were large, and the walls were exposed brick. Everything was softened by warm, atmospheric lighting. The music was almost too pretentious to be real. It was loud. Still, Dorcas liked the air of feigned sophistication - it made people-watching all the more entertaining.
“Thank god they have tequila.” a voice behind her sighed.
Dorcas turned around to see Pandora, grinning in relief as she knocked back a shot and pushed a lime in her mouth. She grimaced under the sour taste.
“What, not having fun with the blonde?” Dorcas smirked back.
In her people-watching, Dorcas had watched Pandora talk to a blonde for the better part of an hour by one of the record players - as in, the owner had multiple, because he was just that pretentious.
The other girl moved from the drinks table to stand next to Dorcas.
She shook her head in response, “This isn’t a pity shot, it’s a shot of courage.”
Dorcas frowned in disbelief, “You don’t need courage.”
“No, I do.” Pandora looked at her with wide eyes, “They’re way too cool, Dorky. Like, their name is literally Xeno.”
“Your name is literally Pandora.” Dorcas replied, amused.
“So? They’re a professional snowboarder. Like, they’re going to the Olympics. And they DJ on the side, too.” Pandora knocked back a second shot and started running her hand through her lilac dress nervously.
“Careful there, Dora, you have a vow of celibacy to upkeep.” Dorcas teased.
Still looking straight ahead, the other girl replied in a completely serious manner, “Yeah, we’re gonna pretend I never said that.”
Dorcas laughed in response. Whilst Pandora looked at Xeno from across the room like she wanted to devour them whole, Dorcas’ eyes wandered. She saw Regulus standing quietly next to Peter. He had been like that for the past few days. Dorcas knew he would eventually tell her, so she hadn’t pushed it. Her eyes wandered again and settled on Barty and Evan. They had been talking to the host ever since they had arrived, making fun of him with jokes that went completely over his head. Dorcas sighed frustratedly. There was no sign of who she was really looking for.
“I saw her go through one of the bedrooms about ten minutes ago.” Pandora commented with a knowing look, “She was alone, don’t worry.”
Dorcas looked at her with a blank face, “Saw who?”
Pandora didn’t even bother to respond which, okay, was fair, but still. She just continued looking back at Dorcas with a raised eyebrow.
Choosing to ignore her, Dorcas looked forward again.
After a semi-acceptable amount of time, she turned to Pandora, “You know, I’m just gonna go-”
“Oh, are you now?”
“Yeah, just, on a totally unrelated note.” Dorcas remained poised whilst Pandora rolled her eyes.
She walked off into the hallway leading off of the main sitting room. She ambled into the first room on the right and caught sight of familiar black curls sitting on the fire escape outside. Dorcas smiled instinctively.
“If you’re all the way out here, who’s going to be the life of the party?” she asked as she climbed out of the window to join Marlene. Despite the alcohol, she managed to do it without losing too much suave.
The other girl turned around, startled, before an intoxicated smile spread slowly on her face, “Mary’s had five margaritas so I think she’s holding down the fort just fine.”
It was the first time Marlene had smiled at her properly in weeks. Dorcas’ heart fluttered in her chest. She told it to calm down.
Marlene’s eyelids were dusted with purple glitter, making her eyes look almost kaleidoscopic; Dorcas felt herself almost being pulled in. She was wearing a black top, with one of the straps falling off her shoulder. In the summer heat, her hair had gone slightly frizzy.
As Dorcas closed the window behind her, Marlene’s face turned into a frown.
“Oh, I forgot. I’m still mad at you.”
Dorcas pulled out a cigarette and lit it, feeling more daring than usual, “I mean, you can’t be that mad if you forgot.”
The other girl’s glare was withering, “Well, Mary’s not the only one who’s had five margaritas.”
Dorcas wasn’t supposed to be doing this. It broke the terms of their new unspoken agreement, somehow; Marlene and Dorcas weren’t supposed to speak outside of sex. It was better that way. But a few drinks into her system and Dorcas was losing all boundaries. Dorcas liked to think she was always in control but something about Marlene left her dizzy, just working on instinct and this intense need to just simply be around the other girl.
They sat there in silence for a bit, which was usually completely unlike Marlene.
Finally, Dorcas broke the ice, “This guy’s apartment is insane.”
Marlene gave a small laugh, “Oh my god I know, right?”
“The tequila he was serving was fucking artisan. I didn’t even know you could get that.”
“I looked in his kitchen cabinets and it was full of quinoa.” Marlene looked disgusted, “It was horrific.”
Dorcas laughed incredulously in response, “You looked through his kitchen cabinets?”
“Of course I did.” Marlene shrugged, an evil grin etching its way onto her face, “I had to see what type of place we were stepping into.”
“And the verdict?” Dorcas asked in a mock-serious tone.
“We are in the home of a guy who has gone to the Amazon and done ayahuasca.”
Dorcas grimaced in response.
“I know.” Marlene nodded sympathetically.
“We should run.”
Marlene laughed in response.
As silence fell upon them again, Dorcas decided to just soak in the presence of the other girl. She’d missed it - just being near her, hearing her laugh, her stupid jokes. She knew this couldn’t keep going for forever - Marlene would realise she was too good for what Dorcas could give her - but, whilst it was still here, Dorcas would just… take it in.
She took a drag of her cigarette. When she turned back to Marlene, she found that the other girl was already watching her.
“What?”
“Nothing…” Marlene shook her head. She was more somber now than before, “I just… I can’t ever seem to stay mad at you. And I’m usually so good at holding grudges.”
The stab of guilt in Dorcas’ heart felt like a knife. She had every right to be upset.
“Marlene…”
“No, don’t worry.” she nodded, “It’s okay… just…”
She turned around to open the window to get back inside.
“Fuck…” Marlene let out, “It’s not opening.”
She sat back on the metal fire escape and looked down to the street below, “We should go down and come back through the front entrance.”
Dorcas nodded mutely as she followed Marlene. It was dark - Dorcas tried not to slip on the way down. The sound of cars whistled below. When they got to the bottom, they walked around the building to the front entrance.
Marlene stopped abruptly, “Who the fuck called them?”
In front of her, the entrance to the building was blocked by a thick crowd of photographers.
Marlene stared forward in disgust for a few beats, before turning around in a huff, “Hey, do you want to get out of here?”
Forced proximity with Marlene would only end badly.
“I don’t know…” Dorcas began.
“Please? The party was boring, anyway.”
Dorcas thought about it. The idea of wading through the swarm of photographers made her exhausted just by thinking about it.
“Come on, I’ll buy you an ice cream.” she added, her eyes wide.
Dorcas couldn’t help the smile that snuck onto her face, “No fair, Mckinnon. You know that the way to my heart is through bribery.”
Marlene’s smile in response was enough to send Dorcas following her anywhere, even off a cliff. For now, though, Marlene wasn’t leading her down such a treacherous journey, so she followed her down the street instead.
Ten minutes later, they were walking out of the bodega, having bought two ice creams and a large bottle of wine.
“So,” Marlene asked as they stepped out onto the street, “Where do you wanna go?”
“I don’t know, I’ve never been to New York before.”
“Well, have you hit up any touristy spots?” Marlene mumbled around her strawberry ice cream. Dorcas had bought a mint choc chip for herself.
“Between all the events and stuff we haven’t really had time.”
Marlene turned to her as they walked, “Oh, then we have to go to one.”
Dorcas raised an eyebrow, “Go where? It’s like one in the morning. None of the tourist sights are open.”
“Come on,” Marlene rolled her eyes and grinned, “It’s like you have no imagination.”
And that was how, one cab ride later, Marlene roped Dorcas into helping her sweet-talk the security guard at the Rockefeller to let them go up after hours.
“Please?” Marlene was looking at security guard number one with big eyes.
She was already wearing him down, Dorcas could tell.
“You’re Marlene Mckinnon, right? From that band?”
Marlene nodded with a sweet smile.
The security guard gave a begrudging smile, “My little sister is obsessed with you guys.”
Marlene’s eyes sparkled a lot more genuinely now, “Want an autograph?”
The security guard looked at her with an uneasy expression.
“Come on,” Marlene continued, “I can say that you’re the best big brother ever.”
Dorcas could see his resolve slipping away, “You know, after an autograph from you, she’d definitely believe that.”
A few minutes and an autograph later, they were in. Dorcas had had the good sense to ask for the security guard’s flashlight, which helped them navigate the dark hallways. Still, it was dark enough that they hadn’t realised they had bumped into the patrol guard until it was too late.
“Hey! What the fuck are you two doing here?” He wore a dark red uniform and a severe expression. With a glare, he inspected the two of them. When he looked at Marlene, Dorcas saw a flicker of recognition in his face, “Hey, you’re that girl off that rock band, right?”
Honestly, Dorcas didn’t know how Marlene’s ego wasn’t even more inflated if this was how she went about life.
“Yeah.”
“I don’t like you guys.”
Dorcas had to hide her laugh as Marlene made a sound of offence. Okay, so a simple autograph wouldn’t work in this case. They had to think on their feet.
Before the idea had even fully formed in her head, Dorcas opened her mouth, “So is that why we’re having to navigate a dark building despite our express request that everything be kept open?”
The other guy stared back in complete confusion, “What?”
Doing her best impression of the many overbearing managers she had met in her time, Dorcas continued, “We called yesterday and yet I haven’t seen the slightest amount of preparation.”
“Preparation? For what?” The other guy repeated. He did not look convinced.
Dorcas just stared the other man down, “Honestly,” she turned around to Marlene, who looked completely confused but was clearly trying to hide it, “I’m just going to call Dumbledore because this is unacceptable. We told them that you need to be at an altitude of at least five hundred feet when you’re song-writing and yet...”
Dorcas turned back to the security guard, “And what’s your name?”
He looked back, uncomfortable, “Umm… Steve Fillston.”
Dorcas nodded, “Okay, I’m going to remember that.”
“No, wait.” the guard replied, “I’m sure there’s some sort of mix-up”
Dorcas tried to hold back her smug smile, “You know what? I’m sure there was. We’re just gonna head on up for a couple hours whilst Miss Mckinnon does some songwriting and then we’ll be out of your hair.”
With a slightly untrusting expression, the security guard nodded. Without waiting for him to change his mind, Dorcas took Marlene’s wrist and pulled her towards the elevator.
“What the fuck?” she whispered, “Now that guy’s going to think I’m a spoiled asshole.”
When they got in the elevator, the light was on. Dorcas pressed the button to the viewing deck.
“You are a spoiled asshole.” she grinned.
Marlene’s face mirrored her own, “Well he doesn’t need to know that.”
When they stepped out onto the viewing platform, the first thing Dorcas noticed was the cold. New York City stretched below them in long grids. Concrete buildings and office blocks stood stacked next to one another. Dorcas felt herself hold her breath.
“I know,” Marlene smiled, walking up next to her at the edge of the platform, “It’s my favourite view of New York.”
“Not the Empire State Building?” Dorcas asked, curious.
“You know, everyone says that. But really, the Empire State Building is one of the best parts of the skyline and you miss it when you’re standing on top. I mean, who wants to see the Rockefeller center? If you ask me, the view is better without it.”
Dorcas huffed out a silent laugh as they sat down in front of one of the glass panes. Marlene put the bottle of wine down between them and opened it.
Dorcas was pulled in again to the view below them. When she was younger, Dorcas’ trips out of state had been entirely funded by the rich friends she was able to make. But this trip… okay, fine, despite being entirely paid for by Caradoc, felt different. It felt like the beginning of something new. For a while, it had felt like they were actually beginning to make it. They were starting to see results.
She was pulled out of her thoughts by Marlene’s voice, “What are you thinking?”
“I just… all those years of sucking up to assholes and working tirelessly and it actually feels like it’s starting to pay off. I mean, I feel like I’ve been waiting forever for this to happen.”
“I know the feeling.” Marlene nodded before drinking some of the wine from the bottle.
Dorcas raised an eyebrow, “Didn’t you guys get famous at like seventeen?”
“Yeah,” Marlene acquiesced, “but I’d wanted to be a famous singer since I was, like, six, so it felt like a long time.”
She pulled out a cigarette and then lit it before adding, “And you? When did you decide you wanted to be in a rock band for a living?”
Dorcas remembered the moment with startling clarity, even years later. Funnily enough, it had been after they had already decided to form a rock band. It was only Pandora and Barty who really had any belief in it at first - Regulus already knew he wanted to be in the music industry, so he had let himself be dragged along. It felt like Evan was still being dragged along, in all honesty, like he had joined a rock band and then decided to come along for the ride because he preferred it to the boring office job their parents had lined up for him.
But Dorcas had been a bit more cautious - telling your mom who had broken her back pulling night shift after night shift to send you to a private school, all for you to tell her you wanted to become a musician would do that to you. It had been their first gig. They had finished their set and everyone in the audience (people from school that they knew) began shouting and clapping and cheering and Dorcas thought that she would do anything for that feeling. It was the feeling that she had been chasing all her life. So, she decided to stick with the band.
“Around eighteen.” Dorcas took the bottle from Marlene and had a sip. It tasted acidic, “I didn’t know what I wanted to be before then but, ever since I was little, I always knew I wanted to be something big.”
Marlene snorted a laugh, “I bet you were a terrifying kid.”
“You have no idea.” Dorcas laughed.
The other girl looked at her with a smile, as if she was trying to figure her out. She pointed at Dorcas with her lit cigarette, “You know, I bet you were bossy as hell.”
Dorcas looked at her in mock-offence, “Says you. I bet you were worse.”
“Okay, fine, but at least I grew out of it.”
Dorcas raised an eyebrow.
Marlene smiled begrudgingly. It was a beautiful smile.
“Well, I grew out of it more than you did.”
“Mhmm, but, well, that isn’t really saying much, is it?”
They both shared a knowing look at that.
“That being said,” Dorcas continued, pulling out her packet of cigarettes, “Without me, no one would get anything done.”
“Even Regulus?” the other girl asked.
“Especially Regulus.” Dorcas was absolutely sure about that, “If it weren’t for me, he would be currently glued to his bed, only leaving periodically to go to the toilet.”
“Ah,” Marlene nodded knowingly, “So you’re the Peter of the group.”
“The Peter?” Dorcas repeated, confused.
“You know, the mother hen.” Marlene clarified. When Dorcas didn’t reply, she carried on, “Everyone thinks it’s James, but he’s more like the excitable younger brother - you know, he gives loving words of wisdom and encouragement in between his juice cartons and soccer games in the garden. Pete’s the one who makes sure we’re all okay. You’re like that.”
Dorcas laughed as she tried lighting her cigarette unsuccessfully, before getting frustrated and giving up.
“And what are you?”
“A mystery.” Marlene replied instantly in a dramatic tone.
In the darkness her features looked delicate, her gaze playful. Dorcas had to distract herself before she said something she regretted. She tried lighting her cigarette again instead.
“I’m sure you’d like that, Mckinnon.” she replied teasingly.
In front of her, Dorcas heard a frustrated sigh before her lighter was snatched out of her hand and replaced with a new one. Dorcas looked up to see the other girl offering her a light, cupping the end of the cigarette with her hands. It was oddly intimate, despite all the things they had done. The end of the cigarette lit, and Marlene pulled away slowly.
“Maybe it would be better if I were more mysterious. Then you’d know what it felt like.”
Dorcas frowned in confusion, “I’m not that mysterious.”
Marlene gave her a flat look. Okay, well, even Dorcas knew that wasn’t true. She had built a whole life by defending her walls well. It wasn’t an easy thing to unlearn. But Dorcas wanted to. With Marlene, she didn’t want to be that way.
It felt daring, but Dorcas said it anyway, “Ask me anything and I will answer with one-hundred-percent honesty.”
The other girl looked at Dorcas, not fully believing her. When she did, she sat forward a bit.
“Okay,” she took a puff of her cigarette, “What’s the deal with you and Emma Vanity?”
Okay, well, Dorcas hadn’t been expecting that. There wasn’t anything between them, really. Emma was a distraction. But she couldn’t just tell Marlene that, because then she would have to explain what Emma was distracting her from, and then she would have to admit that she needed distracting, and then she would have to admit that she didn’t really mean what she said the other day at the concert, and then she would have to deal with Marlene’s very justified hurt and very justified anger.
In response to the silence, Marlene just smiled with an expression of someone being proved correct.
“Well, what’s the deal with you and that artist girl?” Dorcas shot back. It was a cheap blow.
“Aurora?”
“Yep.”
Marlene looked like she was about to say ‘fuck you’ but instead said “She was hot and she was nice and funny. " She shrugged, “What else is there to it? I didn’t go home with her.”
Dorcas sighed, “Look, I don’t want to be a mystery to you. It’s just that some things are… difficult.”
The other girl looked at her with much more warily, “Just… only say what you feel comfortable with. It’s fine if you want to be a mystery.”
“I don’t.” Dorcas repeated. She tried to speak as calmly as she was before. She tried not to show that this was more vulnerable than she got with most people. She breathed in, “I mean, how do you do it? How are you just an open book?”
“I think you think I’m much more open than I actually am.” Marlene looked at her with a sad expression, “I’m open with you, Cas.”
The words echoed in Dorcas’ brain for longer than she’d like to admit.
“At least, intentionally.” Marlene added.
“What do you mean?”
Marlene laughed as she lit another cigarette, looking towards the view, “You know, when I was younger, my parents never knew I went out all the time. They only caught me once, when my brother got sick. I mean, I’m sure most of the reason was because they didn’t care enough to check, but still. I was so ignored at home that then I made myself so loud everywhere else to make up for it. And then when I got older I became a celebrity.”
The other girl shrugged as she carried on, “I never got to be a mystery. When I got older everyone suddenly knew everything about me. Everyone knew who I was dating, they knew that I never stayed with them too long - hell, they even knew why. I mean, they made the priest at the church off Hoover street I went to after Emmeline’s death sign a fucking NDA. I don’t get the choice to be open. But I want to be open with you, you know? That’s the difference. You give me the choice and I get to make it.”
Dorcas didn’t know what to say. She looked at the other girl’s deep brown eyes, hoping she could telepathically convey all she felt, mess and all. Because the truth was that she felt safe around her - the type of safe even Regulus wasn’t able to fully give. It was the feeling that Marlene could handle anything, that she could take on the fucking world and survive, because she basically had. She felt everything so strongly and so fully that it felt like she could overpower the cracks in Dorcas.
“I want to be open with you, too.”
Marlene sighed, taking another drag from her cigarette, “But you can’t.”
“But I want to.” Dorcas repeated. It felt dangerous - this whole conversation did, as if it broke an unspoken rule between them. With a small smile, she added, “And I usually get what I want.”