broken pieces
Sirius had always loved parties, even when he was younger.
Well, correction: he had always loved being in a space where everyone was completely wasted.
People just said what they thought and acted how they felt. Even at his parents’ fancy Silicon Valley parties, everyone would just like him more. When he was a bit older and went to proper parties, he felt the same way. If Sirius said something that would usually be labelled as ‘odd’, they just laughed it off with a “Man, he’s so drunk”. Everything he said was funny. People just got him more. It was the first place that he felt safe and free - two things he was denied at home. Everything was less confusing, everything was on the surface.
Obviously he didn’t feel that way quite so strongly now after years of therapy and good, understanding friends. Still, he felt a little bit of that same thrill as they sat on the floor beside the concrete steps in the gallery’s outside smoking area. Everyone was speaking more freely, smiling when they wanted to smile and shoving people when they wanted to shove them.
“But, you guys are rockstars.” the girl replied- Sirius thought her name was Charity, but he wasn’t sure.
James was sitting on the steps, keeping the door propped open with his foot so that they could still hear the music playing from inside, which was how they had heard the opening words of Hit ‘em up and arrived at this conversation to begin with.
“So?” Marlene replied as she lit a cigarette, leaning on James. She had come out in a huff a while ago, but she seemed to be feeling better now.
“So,” Charity repeated, “Why do you guys care about the East-West rap feud?”
“Because West is objectively better.” Marlene replied as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. Peter, sitting on the step below them, nodded vehemently in agreement as he lit his own cigarette.
“You think East is better than this?” Peter scoffed.
“I just think there shouldn’t be such intense competition.” the other girl responded.
“You’re right.” James nodded, “I mean, there is no competition because West trumps East every time”
Sirius rolled his eyes fondly and tuned out Charity’s response, instead meeting Remus’ eyes with a similarly fond look. He and Lily had grown up just outside LA, driving into the city whenever they needed to perform. Mary was from Newport Beach. Regulus and an injured Pandora, who he had brought out a few minutes ago, were both from Woodside. As was Sirius, he supposed. They all supported the West Coast in the rivalry, obviously, but none of them quite so passionately as the other three, who were LA born and bred.
James, Peter, and Marlene loved LA fiercely - the way that you could only love a home, faults and all. Sirius had tried to love the city like that, but he never really could. LA stifled you with unknown, secret rules and Sirius had always found it hard to navigate. He wouldn’t really call Woodside a home either because it reminded him too much of his parents. He guessed that the closest place he could think of was San Francisco, where he had escaped to for days on end in his early teen years before he was inevitably dragged back home.
Things between the others had gotten heated, so Sirius turned to Mary and shooed her out of the way “Shuffle up, Magdalene.”
The other girl put her hands up in mock-surrender, moving to sit next to Lily.
Remus greeted him with a smile which Sirius eagerly returned, “Odds on those three getting kicked out of the gallery for starting a fight?”
Remus huffed a laugh, looking back at the others passionately arguing on the steps, “I think Pete’s a bit smarter than that… James and Marlene, though? 100%”
“Willing to bet money on that?” Sirius grinned.
“Hmm, I don’t know…” the other boy turned to fix him with a smirk, “What will you give me if I win?”
Sirius’ grin got wider as he leaned closer, “I can think of some things…”
Remus tried to fight a smile as he mirrored Sirius, leaning in. He opened his mouth to say something, before a potato chip came flying in between them and another one hit Sirius’ head. Sirius whipped his head around to identify the culprit.
“Ow!”
“Get a room!” Lily booed as she kept throwing chips at them. Next to her, Mary joined in with a smug grin.
As another one hit Sirius in the face, he gasped in offence, “Mary!”
The other girl just shrugged serenely,“That’s what you get for making me move so that we could all have a front-row seat to your porno.”
“We were only about to kiss.”
“Yeah, and it was gross.” Lily replied.
Sirius picked up one of the chips that had been thrown at him and threw it back at the other girl. She put her arms around Mary’s shoulders and used her as a shield. Remus started picking up chips and doing the same. Soon, potato chips were flying everywhere. Eventually the fighting stopped, and a bored Sirius dragged a begrudging Remus to the dancefloor. He always complained, but then again he always went when Sirius asked him to.
At around two in the morning, Mary came up to him, begging them to take the others to a bar they had found last time they were in New York. It was a speakeasy and Mary had gotten a whole bottle of champagne sprayed on her… for some reason - it had been a blurry night. Still, they had promised to take the others there next time they went.
Sirius went to round up the troops. He collected James, Pete and Evan by the bar. Mary found Pandora, Barty and Regulus. Remus was waiting outside by the limo with Lily. Apparently, Marlene had told them that she was just going to head back to the hotel.
Sirius drank half a bottle of champagne in the limo on the way there, so the rest of the night was a blur. He remembered laughing and dancing and flashes of dark blue lights and more champagne. Sirius blinked and they were on their way to a second club with some eccentric Italians they had found along the way. James and Sirius tried to get Remus to speak Portuguese to them, but apparently that wasn’t how that worked. Bummer. Remus sounded lovely when he spoke Portuguese.
Sirius blinked again and they were outside of the second club, piling into the limo to get back to the hotel. The idea of getting into that stuffy room made Sirius want to be sick. He walked up to the driver’s side, who rolled down the window.
“How far are we from the hotel?”
“Not too far.” the man smiled, “We just have to take a left, walk three blocks and then the hotel is on the street to the right.”
“Cool. Thanks.” Sirius grinned, before turning back to the rest of his friends, “I’m walking back.The driver says it isn’t far.”
“I’ll come with.” James stood up decisively, hitting his head on the roof of the car. He rubbed a hand to it as he clambered out.
“You okay?” Sirius asked, trying not to laugh.
“What’s a little brain damage,” James shrugged with a grin, “I’m a drummer. All I need to do is keep time.”
They waved their goodbyes to everyone in the limo and started on their way back. Sirius took a deep breath of fresh air, letting it fill his lungs. He loved New York. It was dirty, sure, but it had so much history. Everything didn’t feel as new as LA. People didn’t call the paparazzi as much, so Sirius always felt like he could breathe a bit more
“Fun fact, Ivie Anderson used to play at the club we just went to.” Sirius commented as he pulled out a packet of cigarettes from his leather jacket.
“That chick from the Duke Ellington songs?” James asked as he grabbed Sirius’ pack and took a cigarette for himself.
“Uh-huh.” he looked down at the squared sidewalk intently, trying not to step on any of the lines, “Marlene made me sit down and listen to them once.”
A laugh bubbled out of the other boy, “Do you remember when she made us listen to all of the Kinks’ discography and then made us rank them?”
“Yeah,” Sirius smiled at the memory, “that was after the show in Madrid, right? God, I was high as shit.”
“Oh yeah,” James sniggered, “You kept telling the taxi driver that you saw good things in his future.”
Sirius turned to the other boy, “And I was wearing that really cute waistcoat, remember?”
“The denim one?”
“No, the purple one.”
James stared forward in thought, “The one that’s slightly shimmery?”
“No, the other one. The Jimi Hendrix one.”
“Oh,” James clicked his fingers when he remembered, “Yeah, you did look great in that.”
“I’ve got to ask Marls to borrow that one again.”
James nodded in response, then signalled to the blouse he was currently wearing, “That one’s Marlene’s as well, right?”
“Yeah,” Sirius looked down, grimacing, “Although I think I spilled some champagne on it. I knew that was going to happen.”
James grabbed another cigarette from the packet in Sirius’ pocket. When he lit it, Sirius quickly stole it from his hands and took it as his own with a smug grin. James glared at him, but he didn’t do anything, carrying on with the conversation instead after Sirius handed him another cigarette out of pity.
“The champagne in general was a bad idea.” James mumbled, sullen, “I always get the hiccups.”
“Yes, how very unmanly.” Sirius teased.
The other boy shoved him in response, “I’m just saying, it’s not particularly flattering.”
Sirius rolled his eyes, “And who exactly were you trying to flatter?”
“No one… just a theoretical someone.” James waved his hand in dismissal.
God, Sirius did not miss that - the whole game of flirting, trying to figure out what the other person was thinking. It was exhausting.
Sirius sighed as they turned to the right, onto the street their hotel was on, “I love Remus.”
James rolled his eyes with a grin, “Have we gotten to this part of the evening already?”
“What?” Sirius held a hand to his chest in offence, “It’s true.”
James laughed again. Sirius looked at the boy next to him and was filled with so much love. James deserved to be happy. Probably more than anyone he knew.
“You deserve a Remus.” Sirius declared, nodding his head, “You deserve someone who makes you feel that way. I want you to.”
“Yeah, okay…” James began.
“No, you do. You really do.” Sirius nodded his head so hard that he stumbled, “I know you’ll get it.”
James looked up at him with a smile, eyes genuine, “Yeah?”
“Of course. I’d bet my life on it.”
James looked surprised at the answer. Sirius didn’t know why - he was the most loving person he knew. He deserved someone who made him feel the way he made others feel.
“Fuck,” James stopped suddenly, “I know I shouldn’t be doing this while I’m drunk…”
“What do you mean?”
Sirius had stopped now, too. They were outside the hotel. James looked up to him with a worried look in his eyes.
“It’s really not the best idea…”
“Okay… you’re scaring me now.” Sirius tried to laugh, but James’ desperate expression gave him pause, “James, what’s wrong?”
James shook his head, “Nothing’s wrong. Nothing. It’s just that… you know you’ll always be special to me, right?”
Sirius didn’t respond. He was too worried about whatever was going to come next.
“Like, you’re not just my best friend or whatever - you’re like, my person, you know? There’s a little piece of my heart and it’s got your initials fucking tattooed on them or something. That’s never going to change. You’ll always be there.”
“You know I hate preambles.” was all Sirius replied.
“Yeah, yeah, I know.”
“So,” Sirius took a deep breath, “What do you want to say?”
James looked back up at him with an expression that made him sick to his stomach. James looked scared. Legitimately terrified.
“Okay,” the other boy breathed out, “So, um, Regulus and I… we have- we, um… we…”
James’ voice trailed off, clearly not knowing what to say. It was one of those moments that made Sirius feel truly helpless, hanging on James’ every word, wanting him to just spit it out, to keep him from this strange state of limbo. Of not knowing.
“We’re…” James looked at him like every word was painful, like every word was inadequate, “... together.”
At first Sirius didn’t get it.
But then he did.
He took a step back - James’ presence a few feet away from him already a bit too suffocating.
“Sirius-”
“No.” he shook his head, “Stop.”
He needed a moment to think. A moment to sort through his thoughts.
It was shock, at first, and then it was anger. Shock that he hadn’t figured out something was going on between his best friend and his brother. Anger that… well, anger for some reason. Sirius hadn’t gotten to understanding that part yet.
“For how long?”
James looked hurt before he even said it. Sirius’ stomach bottomed out, “Since-”
“Never mind,” the other boy cut him off, “I don’t want to know.”
He heard static. Felt it in his body, too.
He should be happy for James. Right? That was what best friends and big brothers were supposed to do. It wasn’t some huge crime they had committed - they had just liked each other. It was… well, he should be happy anyways. Hadn’t he just said that he wanted James to be happy? Didn’t he want Regulus to be happy, also? It should make him happy that they were happy together. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy.
“Okay” Sirius let out, forcing a smile onto his face.
He swore he could see James’ heart fracture through his expression, “Don’t do that.”
“Don’t do what?” Sirius replied mechanically. His mouth felt like cotton.
The other boy looked increasingly desperate, “Just… just scream at me.”
“I don’t want to scream at you.” Sirius replied. Because he didn’t. He didn’t want to make James feel bad. He didn’t want to punish him. He just wanted him to be… happy.
“Look, I know you’re not just… fine with this.”
There was silence, and then Sirius just shrugged, “I don’t know what to say.”
“I’d rather you be loud and angry than cold and… whatever this is. You’ve never been like this with me. Despite everything, no matter what’s happened, we’ve never shut each other out,” James searched his eyes frantically, “Sirius, I can’t be like that with you.”
Sirius didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t comfort the other boy. He didn’t know how to right now.
“I just… I’m going to go upstairs.”
He stayed there, rooted into place for a beat. James looked broken, like he was trying desperately to fix the pieces. Sirius couldn’t help put them back into place. He turned around, instead.
He made his way up to his room, hoping Remus was there. Stepping out of the elevator, he saw a figure with black hair sitting outside the door. When he heard Sirius coming, he looked up with a worried expression on his face.
“Did he tell you?”
Sirius just ignored him, “Where’s Remus?”
“He’s downstairs in Barty’s room. Everyone is.” Regulus just watched his expression, “I’m guessing he told you. He told me he was going to this morning.”
Sirius grabbed his keys and opened the door. He didn’t want to talk to Regulus. After everything, after all the things left unsaid, the eggshells they had been treading on for the past month or so, Sirius didn’t want to have his long-awaited heart to heart with Regulus now.
“Look,” the other boy began as he walked in behind him, “He really wanted to tell you, but I told him not to until we had sorted our own shit out.”
“How nice.”
They were both standing in the middle of the room now. Regulus glared at him, but visibly swallowed down any anger, “Look, I get that you’re upset, but I’m not going to apologise.”
A laugh bubbled out of Sirius reflexively, “No, you wouldn’t, would you.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing.”
Sirius just wanted to be left the fuck alone right now.
“Don’t just say something and then not explain yourself-”
“You want me to explain myself? Do you really?” Sirius raised his voice. He felt something being trawled up from deep within him - a fishing net bringing up all the sand and muck from the bottom of the ocean, everything rotten coming to the surface, “Because there’s nothing to explain. There’s nothing for us to say. I mean, don’t you get it? The root cause of all our problems are our parents and they aren’t fucking here.”
They were just two broken things, floundering about, trying to find something the other could do to fix them, but they were both missing pieces. It was pathetic, really.
“So what,” Regulus drawled, not raising his voice but with a definitive edge to it, “We just tip-toe around each other? We never try to fix anything?”
Sirius laughed again, something menacing, “Well, at the very least, we try not to make it worse.”
Regulus stepped back like he had been stung. It was like everything was coming out now, involuntary. James had always been a shining light in Sirius’ life, but he was temporary. He was only a person after all. His only tie to Sirius was friendship and, no matter how much he could reassure Sirius that he would never take that away, Sirius knew that wasn’t true. It couldn’t be. Friendship wasn’t a fact.
Regulus was a fact. Childhoods were a fact. Shared wounds were a fact. Nothing could take that away from them.
So maybe that was why Sirius was letting the floodgates open now, when he was with Regulus. No matter what they said to each other, there was always something connecting them. Sirius couldn’t break that.
“That’s not fair.” the other boy replied through gritted teeth.
“Well fuck fair.” Sirius spat out, “I have always been second to you. Do you know what that feels like? Do you know what it felt like to be labelled a fuck up the moment you were born? Do you know what it felt like to watch a shiny new and improved version appear? To know that you had been replaced? To watch it happen?”
“That’s not my fault!” Regulus had started shouting now, too, “And it wasn’t easy for me either.”
“I know,” Sirius felt sick, “I know it wasn’t easy for you and I’m sorry, but that doesn’t change anything. That doesn’t… magically take away how I felt.”
Sirius felt his heart race like it had been electrified, something hot and painful in his chest.
“James was… he was mine. He and Marlene were the first people in LA who saw me and chose me for what I was, not because of my parents’ bank account, but because they liked me. Me. And I didn’t… for the first time I didn’t have to share that. I didn’t have to compete for it. I had no one to be measured up against.”
Regulus rolled his eyes, “Well I’m sorry I’m so evil and so greedy. I’m sorry that I take everything away from you.”
“You know it’s not like that.”
“Do I?” Regulus’ glare had turned into something more vulnerable, something more hurt, “Because that’s exactly what it sounds like.”
“I know it’s not your fault. I know it’s theirs but I just… I can’t let go. Your guilt doesn’t change that. I wish it did but it doesn’t.”
Sirius wanted to scream at the world. He wanted to force their parents to sit down and hear him scream at them. He wanted everything that was taken from him to be given back - his childhood, his brother, the different person he could have been. Because he felt so lost. He couldn’t do anything. Regulus couldn’t do anything. They had wounds and they had gone their separate ways and learned to hide them, but they couldn’t hide it from one another.
Still, he looked at Regulus and saw everything that was good about that house. He looked at Regulus and he saw love because, really, it was Regulus that had taught him what love was. It was Regulus that had taught him that his parents’ love was wrong, twisted, unnatural. He would look at the little boy bundled in his arms and feel his chest grow warm. He would look at him and think about how he wanted to protect him from the world, to make sure nothing bad happened to him. He picked him up and never wanted to put him down, scared that he would fall over, that the bed was too harsh a surface, that he would be safer in his arms. He looked at him and wondered how a mother could ever lift a finger to their child. Sirius felt the pain in his chest travel up to the base of his throat.
“So what?” Regulus asked, defeated, “You want me to break up with James?”
Because it was true that Sirius looked at Regulus and was reminded of all of the pain, everything wrong with him. But it was also true that he looked at Regulus and saw the first thing that was right about him, that was good.
“No, of course not.” Sirius sighed, “I… love you both too much for that. I don’t want to be someone who stands in the way of your happiness.”
Regulus’ eyes cracked with a glimmer of hope. It was dim, but it was there, “So then where does that leave us?”
Right back where we started, Sirius wanted to say.
“I don’t know,” he said instead.
The flicker of hope in Regulus’ eyes were dimmed and a sadness took hold instead. He nodded mutely and turned around slowly, as if he were wading through water.
“I’ll get Remus for you.” he smiled politely as he left, although it did not reach his eyes, “We’ll continue this conversation another time.”
Sirius nodded with a small smile. He was tired. Of everything. Of being inside his skin.
When Regulus shut the door, he fell back on the bed. He wondered whether it was always going to be like this. He lay like that for a while, just trying to calm down the pain that had travelled from the base of his throat to the top.
After what felt like either hours or seconds, the door opened.
“Hey,” Remus smiled as he walked over to the bed. It was that small smile he always reserved for Sirius, the one full of warmth.
Sirius waved back. He knew what this was. He knew what it would feel like to try and speak back, like words being ripped from his jaw, his throat closing up.
“Oh.” Remus realised instantly, “Are you okay?”
Not really, but I don’t want to talk about it, Sirius signed, Clearly
Remus smiled at his attempt at a joke. He slid onto the bed next to him, lying on his back like Sirius.
Remus had taught him a long time ago how to sign, back when he went nonverbal often after Emmeline’s death. It happened every once in a while when he was overwhelmed. Every word felt like it was being directly pulled from his throat, like a hand was reaching down and squeezing them out. He had learned how to manage it now, but it was worse when he was younger. His parents would get mad, thinking that he was doing it on purpose - their bold and charming little boy at once turned moody and quiet. But trying to speak had only made things worse, making it all last longer…
But things were different now. Sirius just had to remember that. He turned on his side to look at Remus, who met his gaze. Sirius focused instead on the other boy’s face; the freckles on his cheeks, the light brown scars - one across the bridge of his nose - the curve of his lip. He breathed in and out. Remus started talking - Sirius wasn’t really paying attention so he didn’t register any of the words - but the sound was soothing.
Sirius grew up confused, lost. Most people didn’t make sense to him, the way that he should behave did not make sense to him. He was loud, and sometimes people liked him for it and sometimes those same people thought it was improper and rude. People rarely felt familiar, but Remus did. He was a little cave Sirius could crawl into, a narrow cleft in the rocks that he could hide in. He knew the other boy inside and out - knew what he was going to say before he said it. Remus made sense. In a world where people seemed to be changing every day, pulling the rug out from under him, Sirius tried to remember that.
He took a deep breath and just tried to remember that.