Scar Tissue

The club was dark. Every once in a while, flashes of red and green would momentarily bathe them in light. Marlene pulled on the other girl’s hair, releasing a moan that sounded vaguely like her name. She didn’t pay attention to it, too preoccupied by the feeling of the other girl’s hand on her thigh. Every touch seemed to set Marlene’s nerves on fire, making her want to jump out of her skin. Instead of pulling away, she deepened the kiss, letting the loud bass of the music rattle her bones. When they broke apart, the other girl offered a line to Marlene, who accepted it greedily. The stinging sensation in her nostril was familiar and she welcomed it, as did she welcome the return of the other girl’s lips. 

She didn’t remember how much time passed. All that she knew was that it was now five am and she was standing on a side street outside of the club. The coins rattled as she put them into the blue payphone and pressed the buttons. When she held up the phone to her ear, the plastic was pleasantly cool. She hadn’t realised how hot she was. She focused on the graffiti drawn on the plastic sides of the payphone as she listened to the beeps, waiting for Mary to answer the phone. 

“Pick up…” she pleaded, tapping her nails onto the plastic. 

The call rang through. 

“Fucking Mary and her fucking beauty sleep…” she mumbled as she fished in her bra for more loose change. 

She had been out every night this week, trying to find something to expel her energy outwards instead of inwards. But that was what Marlene was best at, and she knew that. Marlene was good for a fun time, an interesting conversation, a good story to tell your friends. If you looked too close, you saw the cracks. Dorcas saw the cracks, and she couldn’t get past them. Marlene should have just stuck to her strengths instead of believing that the strength of her crush would be enough to blind Dorcas from the fact that she had been using women like kleenex tissues since she was seventeen. 

She sighed as she put some more coins into the payphone. Marlene needed a ride, and in her drug-addled state she didn’t remember the number for the limo company. She couldn’t order a cab - they would leak her address to the press. Before she even realised what she was doing, she instinctively found herself pressing familiar buttons on the payphone. 

James picked up on the second ring. 

He always did. 

Marlene didn’t remember getting picked up. She woke up the next day, comfortably bundled in cotton sheets, to the feeling of something tickling her nose. She opened her eyes with a start to see James jumping back from her, a startled expression on his face. 

“Well, I guess now we know for sure that she’s breathing.” a sarcastic voice piped up from the other side of the bed.

Marlene turned to see Regulus in a pair of James’ pyjamas, looking down at her with a slightly amused expression. Opposite him, the other boy was regaining his composure. 

“Sorry.” he breathed out, rubbing a hand to his chest to calm his breathing. 

“He’s been putting his finger underneath your nose to check if you were breathing every five minutes since you came.” Regulus informed her. 

Unfortunately, this had been one of James’ habits for a long time. 

“I hate when you do that.” Marlene commented as she got out of bed. 

She ignored the pounding in her head and wrapped herself in one of the dark blue tartan bathrobes James kept around for guests. As she turned to leave the room, she was met with James’ concerned gaze. He looked at her as if he wanted to say something, but ultimately let it go, instead informing her that Peter was making pancakes in the kitchen. 

She stumbled into the room, the sickly sweet smell of pancakes and syrup filling the air and making Marlene feel nauseous. Every muscle in her body ached. Her insides felt like they had been turned to slush. 

“Morning, sunshine.” Peter grinned obnoxiously as she walked in. 

He was standing by the stove, pouring pancake batter into the pan. In the early morning sunshine, his normally brown hair shone a dark auburn. Marlene felt the overwhelming need to make fun of him for his new ginger status, but could barely formulate a proper sentence together. Instead, she gave a sort of nod in greeting and stifled a yawn.

“I should probably call Mary…” she mumbled, barely opening her eyes and hoping she would be able to make it to the landline by memory. 

“Don’t worry.” James waved a hand as he sat into his chair at the breakfast table, “I left a message earlier telling her where you were.”

Marlene nodded gratefully, plopping herself down into the nearest chair available and tucking her knees in. She noticed a large purple and yellow bruise forming on one of them that hurt when she poked it. She didn’t think it had been there yesterday, but she didn’t trust her memory enough to say for certain. The past few days had been a complete blur - just a conglomerate mess of mismatched images. She wasn’t even certain of what day it was. 

Peter came over, placing a coffee pot in front of Marlene as he sat down next to her on the table - he always made her an extra strong pot whenever she was around. Picking it up, she poured herself a cup as James and Peter chattered around her. She felt Regulus’ eyes on her as she drank it. She looked up to see a curious expression on his face, like he was trying to figure something out. It made Marlene uncomfortable. Before he could say anything, Marlene fixed him with an evil smile over her coffee.

“So,” she began, “What are your intentions with James?”

James cut in “Marls-”

Marlene continued, unperturbed, “I mean, you’re already wearing his clothes, sleeping in his bed, eating his food…”

She trailed off at the end. Regulus just smiled, clearly not too affected by her sudden interrogation.

“I don’t know. What are your intentions with Dorcas?”

Marene clenched her jaw. Fair play. 

Trying to look as unbothered as possible, she simply shrugged, “No intentions. Don’t worry.” 

Regulus looked at her suspiciously, before something in his gaze flickered as if a puzzle piece had been put into place. He didn’t respond, taking a sip from his coffee instead. James jumped on the few seconds of silence to immediately derail the conversation to something less invasive. 

Marlene had been trying her best not to think about Dorcas. Granted, she was not doing very well, but she was trying. The other girl had put a mirror up to Marlene that she didn’t want to face. It felt like some doomed culmination of her actions; consequences that had to be faced. But it also felt like a familiar scab had been picked. Because the truth was, Marlene didn’t want to be rejected by Dorcas. She didn’t want to be rejected by anyone. Sure, most people didn’t take well to rejection, but Marlene had always felt utterly swallowed up by it. It was the reason she did anything, really - just some desperate plea for attention, to feel wanted. It was the reason she let girls flirt with her, even when she knew she wasn’t anywhere near to emotionally available. It was the reason she left them as soon as someone else showed her attention. 

The problem was that Dorcas was different, no matter how cliche that sounded. Dorcas had dealt with Marlene when she was petty and even outright mean. She had listened to Marlene go on and on for hours every day about whatever she felt like talking about. She had treated Marlene’s words as if every stupid joke had value. She had realised that getting people to praise and revere you for how well you could play the character of Marlene Mckinnon was nothing compared to someone liking you for the real thing. Marlene had felt safe, and she foolishly led herself to believe that Dorcas’ attention wasn’t anything she could lose. 

Her thoughts were interrupted by the sound of a chair scraping on the floor. 

“Alright, children,” Peter addressed them as he started walking away, “Have a nice rest of the morning.”

“Where are you off to?” James asked. 

“I’ve got to pick up my outfit for Caradoc’s tomorrow.” the other boy replied without stopping as he left the room.

Shit. Marlene had completely forgotten about that. 

“Yeah, I should be heading out, too.” she began, “I haven’t even started packing.”

Caradoc was planning an event for some artist friend of theirs - Aurora Sinistra, Marlene believed she was called. It was a cool name, she would give her that. Caradoc took any excuse to travel, so the event was in New York. They were flying out tomorrow and spending the week there. 

She tried the singular pancake on her plate one more time to see if her stomach would complain a bit less than it had before. Unfortunately it was to no avail and the small bite she took made her feel nauseous almost instantly. 

“I can drive you.” James offered, “I’m already driving Regulus. I’ll just drop you off on the way.”

Marlene readily accepted, not being sure that she would be able to make it through the ten minute walk from James’ house to hers. 

“Let me just take a shower first and then we can go.” Regulus started getting up.

James looked up at the other boy with a teasing grin, “Don’t think I don’t notice that you’re conveniently slipping away and leaving us to do the dishes.”

Regulus looked back with a faux innocent expression, “I can neither confirm nor deny.” 

At this, James put a hand on the other boy’s waist to pull him into a quick, sweet kiss before he left the kitchen and started getting ready. James was still smiling for a good few seconds after Regulus left, sitting there with an utterly smitten expression. The scene was so domestic that Marlene couldn’t help but feel a small ache in her chest. 

Oh, you fucking idiot, she thought, Sirius is going to freak when he finds out.

As if he was hearing her thoughts, James sighed and looked up, meeting Marlene’s eyes. His expression turned to one of utter defeat. He squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his head down.

“Yeah. I know.”

“Do you?” Marlene looked back with a pained expression, “I mean… it’s not even a simple hookup anymore. You guys are having breakfast together and kissing each other on the lips as you leave rooms.”

James huffed a laugh, “Is that what you think makes up a committed relationship?”

“Well they sure as hell aren’t signs of something casual. When I kiss people, it’s usually for a different reason.”

James looked more and more distressed, “I know. I know. I just… I didn’t think it would get this far. And Regulus said he wanted to talk to Sirius about their issues before we even get started on… this. And I wanted to respect that.”

“Which is a good thing.” Marlene made sure to point out, knowing that James was probably beating himself up about it, “But it’s become a real possibility that he finds out by himself, and that can’t happen. I mean, what if he had come over this morning to have breakfast - you know he just walks in whenever he feels like it.”

“I know…” James repeated. 

Marlene sighed again, “Tell Regulus that you plan on telling him. Maybe that will get them to jumpstart their talk.” 

“Yeah…” James nodded distractedly, clearly in a mind of his own. A laugh escaped him, though it was devoid of humour, “I’m not usually like this. I’m not… I’m not usually this big fucking coward. I mean, you know that better than anyone.”

“Oh, James,” Marlene’s tone softened,  “you’re not being a coward-”

James shook his head in dismissal, “No, I am, though. I’m hiding away and hurting people more in the process.”

“James-”

“I don’t want to be like that. I don’t want to be someone who puts their own feelings of guilt over their friends-”

“It’s normal, though.” Marlene interrupted him, raising her voice slightly so that James would listen to her. The other boy met her gaze, “It’s normal that you would want to hide the truth, because you want to protect Sirius and you know this would hurt him. You also want to protect Regulus, and you know that telling his brother before he feels ready would probably also hurt him. But you need to remember that if you really want to protect them, you need to rip off the band-aid now before everything gets worse.”

One of Marlene’s favourite things about James was that he always tried to be the best person he could be; he was looking over at her now, listening intently with wide, dark brown eyes. He nodded, still lost in thought. Marlene loved the boy like a brother, with that fierce desire to protect, but even she knew she couldn’t protect him from this. 

James, quietly but sincerely, spoke up after a while, “Thanks, Marls.”

Marlene rolled her eyes, not maliciously, with a smile, “Don’t worry about it. Consider it compensation for picking me up yesterday.”

“It was this morning,” James corrected, looking less sombre than a moment ago. His expression turned into something curious, “What’s up with you, by the way?”

Oh, so it was Marlene’s turn to be interrogated. She hadn’t realised that James had noticed anything. Maybe if she just denied it, the other boy would drop it.

“Nothing, really.” she shrugged, sipping her mug. 

James lifted an eyebrow in question, saying nothing else. 

“Well,” Marlene conceded, “Lisa from TLC burnt down her boyfriend’s house, so that’s been on my mind lately.”

Momentarily distracted, James’ eyes lit up as he leant in closer, “You know, I heard it was because he refused to buy her a pair of sneakers.”

“Really? Who told you?”

James pulled back, “Nope. Stop distracting me. Tell me the truth.”

When Marlene didn’t answer, he sighed, “I just want to know that you’re okay.”

“I’m…” she had always found it difficult to lie to James, “I don’t want you worrying over me.”

The other boy rolled his eyes, “It’s not about worrying, it’s about wanting to give support.”

But Marlene didn’t want anyone’s support. She wanted to bottle up all her feelings and throw them at a wall, smashing them into a million pieces. 

“I can handle it.” Marlene nodded, “I just need to get a few things out of my system.”

James looked at her as if he saw right through her, “You know, it’s never a good thing when you say that.”

Marlene just smiled. She had put James through so much bullshit through the years, so much worrying. She just didn’t want to do that anymore.

“Thanks, by the way,” she said with a smile, “For picking me up.”

James just grinned, “Don’t sweat it. It isn’t anything you haven’t done for me a thousand times before.”

Regulus’ footsteps coming down the stairs carried into the kitchen.

“Are you guys ready to go?” he asked as he walked in. 

James gave her one final look before turning back, “Yeah, sure.”

Marlene picked up some of her things from last night - she was still in the same clothes, which saved her the arduous journey to her room to collect them. She never brought purses with her (a leftover habit from her teenage years) so all in all she had quite little to pick up. 

When she arrived home after James had dropped her off, she found Mary frantically packing her suitcase. Marlene threw a bunch of options into hers, knowing that she would just choose her outfit once they got there. When she had finished, she found Mary still in a panic, completely stuck between bringing her dark brown lipstick or her light brown lipstick.

“Just bring both.” Marlene supplied. 

Mary nodded in agreement and shoved both lipsticks into her makeup bag.

“I just don’t know what to wear or where half of my shit is…” she sighed as she went through the stacks of makeup palettes on her vanity. 

At the prospect of a night at home with just her and her thoughts, Marlene propositioned an idea to Mary.

“Do you want to go out tonight?”

WIth desperate eyes, the other girl breathed out, “Oh my god yes.”

 And that was that.

The next morning they were being driven up to the terminal in absolute silence and large sunglasses. The driver took out their luggage from the back before Mary and Marlene could even think of getting out of their seats. They flew in Mary’s jet because she loved hers so much that she refused to go in anyone else’s. Mary got a massage at the private terminal before heading onboard. Marlene just sat in silence and prayed her hangover away. 

Once they arrived in New York, the sunglasses and hats they had used as disguises seemed to hold up at the airport although Marlene always thought that, if anything, it made them stand out more. Caradoc had hired them two limos to share between Gryffindor Tower and Salazar, so the group piled into the first one and left the second for when the other band arrived. 

The Lowell hotel, where they were staying at, was a boutique hotel off of Central Park. Its entrance was hidden away from the main street in one of those roads littered with grand townhouses. They always went there when they stayed in New York; it was private with large, comfy rooms. Though luxurious, it always felt cosy and, most importantly, it never asked questions or talked to the press. 

As they all squeezed into the elevator of the hotel, Mary started handing out their room keys. One by one, the group all filed out on various floors. Mary had booked the penthouse suite for her, Marlene, and Lily. The elevator doors opened up at the top floor and the three girls spilled out into a large entryway covered in wood panelling. The sitting room was cozy, filled with plush couches and intricate rugs. The entry to the dining area was held up by ivory columns that lead out to a room with a wall-length window that overlooked Manhattan. 

Mary called dibs on the best room, closely followed by Marlene who made dibs on the second best room. After their bags had been brought up, Marlene wheeled her suitcase to her room and opened it out. A four poster bed stood in the middle of it, hugged by satin curtains. There was a small fireplace in the corner which made Marlene momentarily sad that it was August and therefore too hot to burn a fire. She walked over to the landline which sat on a circular mahogany table and typed out Laurie’s number. 

After a quick conversation in which all Marlene did was boast about her luxurious penthouse, Laurie eventually hung up to do work for some college criminology class he had opted for. Mary wandered into the room and plopped herself down on the bed.

“I’m bored.” she declared, looking up at the ceiling, “What do you wanna do?”

“We could do some sightseeing.” Marlene suggested, pulling out her clothes from her suitcase and laying them out on one of the couches. 

Mary shook her head, “We could do that any other time during the rest of the week. Plus, we should probably save our energy for now.”

Mary had a point. Caradoc’s events were always big and always, Marlene was certain, shaved off a year from her life. Having pulled out all her possible outfit options, she turned to the other girl. 

“We could always go and annoy Lily.” she suggested. 

“Yeah, let’s do that.”

A second later they were barging into the redhead’s suite.

“Hello Lilyflower.” Marlene grinned as both girls hopped onto the bed. 

Lily eyed them suspiciously, “...yes?” 

“Why do you look so unhappy to see us?” Mary questioned as she started making her way through the room service menu on Lily’s bedside table.

“I’m not unhappy, just confused as to why I’m being blessed with a visit from the both of you.”

“We’re bored.” Marlene informed her.

“How flattering.”

Their conversation was interrupted by Mary turning on the TV.

“Okay, let’s see what’s on.”

They flicked through the channels idly and Lily took her clothes from the suitcase and put them in the closet. Mary and Marlene got hooked on a documentary special about life in a nuclear submarine, which Lily soon joined them in watching. Marlene made sure to sit in between them, not sure that she would be able to survive sitting through a programme with Mary and Lily freaking out over accidentally touching elbows. The moment they truly realised they were never leaving the bed until they got ready for Caradoc’s was when they found an ‘I love Lucy’ marathon on the tv, which they watched in its entirety. They ordered room service and even got ready in Lily’s room, refusing to part from the TV before they really had to. 

They met the boys in the hotel lobby at around seven and piled into the limo. Marlene was wearing a short purple dress with ripped tights and platform boots. She had lined her eyes with purple eyeliner, bringing out the different shades of brown in her eyes. Sirius had borrowed one of her tops  - a black, sheer blouse - which Marlene was hoping he didn’t spill anything on and ruin. 

The drive to the event was relatively short. Lily went on and on about the artist they were about to see - something to do with her use of perspective in her photographs. Her eyes lit up, talking animatedly with her hands and spilling drops of champagne accidentally onto the floor of the limo. Marlene always found art difficult. There were some pieces that she loved, of course, but her difficulty in standing still and admiring something always reared its ugly head in art galleries. Luckily, she had James who always suffered from the same problem, plus a free bar. 

As they got out of the cab, they were bombarded by bright flashes and shouts from the photographers that were huddled by the entrance. Marlene smiled at the cameras, hoping she might be able to snag a copy tomorrow from one of them; she knew she looked good, why wouldn’t she want photographic proof? The bodyguard in front of them carved a way through the crowd so that they could get to the front door. 

The inside of the gallery was a large warehouse - sleek with dark lighting. People milled around, looking at photographs projected onto the walls. Loud music was playing. Sirius pulled Marlene towards the makeshift dance floor. After a while, he went to go find Remus who was laughing with Peter at the bar. Mary pulled up to her, swaying slightly with a gin and tonic in her hand. 

“Lily totally has a hard-on for that Aurora chick.” Mary glared over to a spot over Marlene’s shoulder. She turned around to see Lily laughing, talking to a girl with dyed pink hair who she assumed to be Aurora Sinistra. 

Marlene turned around to give Mary a flat look, “Yeah, probably.”

The other girl looked scandalised, “That’s not what you’re supposed to say!”

“Don’t care.” Marlene shrugged, “If I have to be forced to witness more jealous pining I am not going to do so with a smile.” 

“Whatever.” Mary mumbled into her glass, pulling out an olive and eating it. 

“Look,” Marlene began, less harshly than before, “I love you, I just hate watching you go fucking crazy over this.”

Mary looked up, a glassy look in her eye, “I know, she’s just… she’s too perfect, you know? I don’t want to be a person that makes her feel like shit. I only ever want to be something good in her life, and so maybe it’s better if I keep my distance…”

Marlene sighed. She wasn’t particularly known for her words of comfort, but it seemed that she was giving advice to her friends quite often lately - James and now this, “I think that’s just a risk you’re gonna have to take. Being with someone is about taking that risk and hoping that you’ll do your best whenever you can. Isn’t it worth it, though, to be in a relationship? Sure, you could be a source of pain but you could be a source of happiness. I think that counts for a lot.”

Mary smiled at her, “You know, for how shit your love life is, you are very wise about relationships.”

Marlene smiled back, “Yes, well, I’m just generally very knowledgeable.” 

Her eyes drifted to one of the photographs, in front of which she saw Dorcas Meadowes. She was turned to the side, talking to Pandora. She had that secretly amused face, the one which Marlene loved, the one that told you that you had broken through her cold facade. The one that pulled you in, curious to know every little thought she was keeping behind those dark eyes. Marlene felt herself being sucked in even now. She was nothing if not downright pathetic when it came to the other girl. She should be outraged, she should never want to see the other girl again and yet, she felt like storming up to her just to have an excuse to talk to her. It wasn’t exactly all mushy feelings - Marlene still felt that hot ball of hurt and anger in her chest - but there was something else, too. It felt like they were connected somehow, down to their very atomic buildup. They were so similar, so part of the same whole. Sure, being angry at Dorcas Meadowes was an option, but ignoring her? Never talking to her again? That just wasn’t. 

“You know, you could always tap into some of that infinite wisdom to help you.” Mary piped up, following Marlene’s line of sight. 

Marlene finally looked away from Dorcas and scoffed, “I come with my own set of issues that even I am not able to resolve.” 

Mary frowned and shook her head, “No, you don’t”

Marlene lifted an eyebrow at the other girl in response. 

“Well,” Mary amended, “Nothing that can’t be fixed. You just need to be loved with some patience. That’s not too much to ask for.” 

More like a lot of patience, Marlene thought.

“Thanks.” she smiled, half-heartedly. 

Mary looked at her with a worn expression, “I know you think that you’ll just get hurt or hurt other people, but I think that’s just a risk you’re gonna have to take.” the corners of her mouth crept up into a smile, “Being with someone is about taking that risk and hoping that you’ll do your best whenever you can. Isn’t it worth it, though, to be in a relationship? Sure, you’re opening yourself up to pain, but you’re also opening yourself up to happiness.”

Marlene rolled her eyes with a smile, not appreciating having her words thrown back at her.

“And I think you deserve all the happiness you can get.” Mary added. 

“Who deserves all the happiness they can get?” A voice to their right jumped in. Lily looked at them expectantly. 

“Marls.” Mary informed her with a more flat expression. Lily looked at her in silent question for the change in mood. 

“Okaaaay…” Marlene smiled, not wanting to spend a second longer in the newly tense atmosphere, “I’m getting a drink.”

She left them to it and walked over to one of the bartenders. Leaning over the top of the steel bar, Marlene asked the guy for a vodka cranberry. 

“A vodka cranberry?” a teasing voice beside her said, “At such a classy establishment?”

Marlene turned to see the artist Lily was talking to, Aurora Sinistra. She had short, pink hair and was wearing blue shimmering eyeshadow which stood out against her dark eyes and skin. 

“Well, someone’s gotta bring the tackiness, otherwise it isn’t a proper party.” Marlene quipped back. 

“I’m Aurora.” the other girl smirked, lifting her margarita to toast with the one Marlene had just been brought. 

“Marlene.” She introduced herself. 

Aurora sipped on her drink slowly, tilting her face downwards but keeping her eyes on Marlene the whole time. She was stunning, and Marlene needed a distraction from the wave of emotions that Dorcas had brought. Besides, if it was true that Lily had been flirting with her, Marlene was actually doing Mary a solid by taking her out of the way. If anything, she was being the best wingwoman imaginable right now. 

“So,” the other girl talked softly, slightly hypnotically as she set her drink down, “Are you liking the exhibition?” 

Marlene trailed her glance over the other girl, “Some things more than others.”

Aurora laughed goodnaturedly, “Wow. I’d been told that you were forward but I wasn’t really expecting that.”

“Oh, so you’ve heard about me?” Marlene grinned. 

The other girl rolled her eyes, “You’re Marlene Mckinnon. Of course I’ve heard about you.” 

At that, Marlene’s smile grew deeper. She never really got tired of hearing that. 

“All good things, I hope.” 

“Come on,” Aurora raised a perfectly manicured eyebrow, “You don’t want me to answer that truthfully, right?”

“Fair enough.” Marlene took another sip of her drink, “But in all honesty, the exhibition is really good. Well done.”

“Flattery won’t get you anywhere, Mckinnon.”

Marlene saw the way the other girl’s eyes sparkled as she spoke and answered, “Are you sure about that?” 

“No, not really.” 

Aurora’s eyes caught someone else’s behind Marlene. She turned to the other girl with a smile, “I need to talk to this guy - he owns some big galleries downtown. Don’t go anywhere. I’ll be back.”

“I’ll be here.” Marlene smiled back coyly. 

She watched the other girl walk away, before ordering another vodka cranberry. She tapped her fingernails on the bar as she waited for the drink. It wasn’t long before she felt the presence of someone else standing next to her. 

“Having fun?”

Marlene would recognise that voice anywhere. She turned around to see Dorcas Meadowes and, in that way she was always able to do, she knocked the breath out of Marlene’s lungs. Her hair was tied back, her eyeliner highlighting her angular cheekbones - you could probably cut your hand on them. Fuck, Marlene honestly wanted to try. Fuck her for rejecting Marlene and then looking this good. It wasn’t fair. Something close to legitimate anger bubbled in her stomach in response. 

“Yeah, you?”

The other girl looked over as she casually leaned on the bar, “Who’s that you were talking to?”

“None of your business.”

“Then why won’t you tell me?”

Dorcas’ face gave nothing away. Who the fuck did she think she was? Marlene laughed venomously, “Fuck you.” 

Dorcas raised an eyebrow suggestively. Marlene just glared back. She should have just stayed away. Seeing the other girl again after a week of separation was like a hit after months of sobriety. She knew Dorcas couldn’t just do that - she couldn’t just reject her and then pull her back in. But even as Marlene thought it, she knew it was pointless to fight it. So what if Dorcas wasn’t ready for a proper relationship? So what if she had issues of her own? Marlene wasn’t a fucking saint either. She had all this hurt and all this anger and she didn’t know where to put it. She hated Dorcas, but then she didn’t really. She looked at the girl in front of her and just wanted to throw a drink in her face. And then kiss her. Marlene Mckinnon, who had spent her whole life desperately wanting attention, seemed to have found the ultimate drug in Dorcas Meadowes; each look felt like a prize, each word like something special. If it meant nothing to Dorcas, then maybe that was better. Maybe her drug would never get used up. 

********************************

DORCAS

Dorcas grabbed her glasses from the bar and then, with as much calm as she could muster, turned to the other girl, “Well, see you around.”

Marlene smiled in response - not a sweet, heartfelt smile, but something uncaring, cold. Dorcas walked back to where she was stationed before, standing next to Pandora who had twisted her ankle early on in the night and was barred from dancing. 

She didn’t even know why she went up to Marlene - she knew she had no right to say anything, not after the other day at the concert. But something about seeing her with that other girl had left Dorcas unable to be still. She couldn’t help herself. That seemed to be a common thread involving her actions around Marlene. 

She wasn’t listening properly to what Pandora was telling her, too focused on the conversation between Marlene and the other girl. Pandora’s sudden silence drew her out of her thoughts. She was looking over at a spot over Dorcas’ shoulder, her eyes having caught on something. Dorcas turned around to be greeted with the sight of Emma Vanity, walking towards them in an emerald green dress. 

“Hey Pandora,” her eyes twinkled as she looked at Dorcas, “Hey Dorcas.”

“”Hey.” Pandora smiled, “I’m gonna head to the restroom.”

She shot Dorcas a warning look as she left, to which Dorcas rolled her eyes. Her gaze was drawn to Marlene’s from the bar. She was laughing at something the girl next to her said - clearly having returned from wherever she had left to. She was twirling one of her curls in her fingers. As if she could feel Dorcas’ gaze, Marlene looked over to her, before looking towards Emma, and then looking back with a hardened glare. She moved closer towards the pink-haired girl. Almost instinctively, Dorcas stepped closer towards Emma. 

“I didn’t know you’d be here.” she turned back to the other girl. 

“Caradoc and I have been friends for a long time,” Emma took a sip of her champagne, “Plus, I know Aurora pretty well.” 

She pointed with her head towards the bar. 

“The pink-haired girl?” she asked. 

“Yeah.” Emma laughed, “Although last time I saw her it was blue. She dyes her hair often.” 

Emma and her talked vaguely about nothing in particular, knowing that it didn’t really matter. This was easy. No feelings involved. No mess. Marlene was the only person who could make her feel that way, who could pull her in. Dorcas felt more secure like this, more in control. 

“I like this top.” Emma smirked, pulling it slightly so that Dorcas moved forward. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Emma pulled her in even closer, and Dorcas snatched a quick glance at Marlene. She was looking over with a set jaw, Aurora’s hand on her arm as she laughed at something Marlene had said. Looking away, she threw a dazzling smile at the other girl. One of those smiles that lit you up from the inside. Fleetingly, Dorcas wished desperately that it was for her. 

She had been seeing Emma semi-regularly since that fight with Marlene. It was a distraction, but it was also a reminder of exactly what she was missing. Every time she ran her hands through the other girl’s hair, she thought only of dark curls and that bright, stupidly charming smile. Dorcas had tried to walk away and yet she kept getting sucked back in. 

It was the feeling of Emma’s hand on her waist that brought her out of her thoughts. 

“We should dance.” she said suddenly. 

Emma looked slightly startled at the change in tone, but accepted anyway. They made their way to the dance floor and for the rest of the night Dorcas tried to forget that Marlene Mckinnon existed. She danced with Emma and then she danced with Evan and Barty, periodically sending waves to a depressed Pandora in the corner with Regulus.  

By two in the morning, the group was ready to go to another bar. 

“Come on,” Pandora looked at her, “It’ll be fun.” 

“No, I don’t want to go.” Dorcas reiterated, “I just want to go to my room. Lay down.” 

Honestly, Dorcas just needed to stay away from Marlene. She needed a moment to calm herself down. 

Pandora rolled her eyes, “Whatever. We’re all taking the first limo, so you can go in the other one back to the hotel.” 

Pandora kissed her goodbye on the cheek and hobbled away with the help of Barty. Dorcas ordered another shot, before downing it and making her way outside through the back entrance so as to not be seen by the paps. The hot summer air carried with it a light breeze. She took out a cigarette and lit it, resting her head back on the cool red brick. She almost felt like she was regaining a semblance of peace, before Marlene stepped out behind her. 

She didn’t even smile, just lit a cigarette herself and stood beside her. Her eyeliner was slightly smudged, purple under her eyes. Dorcas took a deep breath and looked away. 

“Have fun tonight?” Marlene’s voice was laced with poison. 

Dorcas didn’t reply, instead inhaling another drag of her cigarette. Marlene laughed and then mumbled, “Emma fucking Vanity.” 

Dorcas rolled her eyes, “What about her?”

The other girl just shook her head and then shrugged, “Nothing.”

“Well it doesn’t seem like nothing…”

They were stuck in a stalemate. Marlene glared at Dorcas and Dorcas stared cooly back. They were interrupted by the sound of the limo coming up. Marlene crushed her cigarette on the floor and walked over to it, opening the door for the other girl with a sarcastic ‘After you.’

They were silent for a few seconds, before Marlene piped up, “I just think you guys are perfect for each other, is all - you and Emma.”

Dorcas scoffed, turning her head to meet the other girl’s gaze, “We’re not together.” 

“What, she’s not perfect enough for you?” Marlene’s voice was laced with bitterness. She rolled her window slightly, the breeze blowing wisps of hair into her face. 

She glared back at Dorcas and, in her inebriated state, Dorcas found nothing that she could reply with. No perfectly-crafted insult on the tip of her tongue. Her mind came to a halt. 

People had always said that Marlene looked like she was destined to be famous but Dorcas had never felt it so strongly until now. She looked like a movie. Not a movie star, but the whole fucking movie - the origins, the rise, the fall, the redemption. Everything. Every single frame rolled into one. Dorcas looked at her and she didn’t know how she ever thought she could stay away. Dorcas thought that she was strong, but around Marlene, she was oh so very weak. 

The other girl pulled in, dangerously close. Dorcas could see it all in slow-motion. She knew exactly what was about to happen. 

She pulled back slightly, afraid. It wasn’t fair to lead the other girl on like this,  “Marls. I- I can’t-”

“Don’t worry,” the other girl shook her head, “This doesn’t mean anything.” and she leaned in.