so if you’re lonely
Dorcas thought that she could really enjoy a life like this. It made her feel so solid. She had never felt more like a person with defined edges than when a thousand eyes were looking at her; she knew exactly who she had to be, how to act, and what to say. The best part was that she was good at it - scratch that, anyone could be good at playing a part, Dorcas was a master at it. Very few other people could claim that title. It made her feel successful, in control. Maybe Dorcas had never been a natural, but she had forged herself exactly how she wanted to be.
It had worked out for her, because ever since she had stepped out onto the red carpet, people had been clamouring for her attention - for all of their attention, really. Dorcas would be a liar if she said she hadn’t enjoyed all of it, the way people looked at her in her dress, like she was a puzzle they couldn’t quite figure out. She looked around and saw burning envy; people either jealous that they weren’t her or weren’t with her. Or both.
The only problem was that she felt herself coming apart at the seams every time Marlene so much as smiled in her direction, like the very fabric that held her in place was being softened and peeled away. It wasn’t even a painful process, which was the most alarming fact. Sometimes, Dorcas could feel the exact moment that the tough ball residing in her chest disappeared, giving way to a bundle of nerves and warmth.
Dorcas wished she could stay away. All her friends knew about her little crush, which was in itself a problem. It was also a problem that her mom kept asking for constant updates on the whole ‘Marlene sitch’, as if years of locking herself in her room and listening to Vienna by Billy Joel whenever she was upset hadn’t taught her mom anything about how Dorcas liked to deal with her feelings.
It had been decided that it was better for Dorcas to maintain her distance, but then one wink from Marlene in that fucking dress and Dorcas was genuinely weak in the knees. It was like a tsunami over her tiny village and, if Dorcas was being honest, a small part of her wanted to simply be swept away. Deep down there was a craving to lose all ties to the ground and be completely destroyed, splintered, left drowning and floating in the tidal wave that was Marlene Mckinnon.
And that was just the reaction from one wink.
God, Dorcas needed to pull herself together.
She looked back up towards the stage to see Marlene strumming the first few notes of the song on that heretical bass guitar of hers. Dorcas had never listened to the whole song properly, just Marlene’s part, but the opening chords already had her hooked. The crowd was clearly feeling the same way if their screams were anything to go by. Dorcas drew her attention to the small screen backstage that was showing the live TV broadcast.
Marlene leaned forwards towards the microphone, a small smirk on her face. In a low voice, she began singing.
“So if you’re lonely, you know I’m here waiting for you,
I’m just a crosshair, I’m just a shot away from you…”
She drawled the lyrics in a way that Dorcas couldn’t help but be drawn to her lips - and really, she tried to fight it. The corner of her mouth was turned upwards, bringing out the smile line and dimple on her cheek. She only had a dimple on one side, which Dorcas found stupidly charming for some reason.
“And if you leave here, you leave me broken, shattered - I lie,
I’m just a crosshair, I’m just a shot then we can die…”
Marlene dragged out the words at the end of the line, switching to a high note before looking at the camera with a mock-pout. The tempo of the song started slowing down and Dorcas felt herself unconsciously hold her breath.
“I know I won’t be leaving here with you…”
She knew they had probably practised the melody change a thousand times, but even as sheet music it looked difficult to pull off. They all had to smoothly slow down for a large number of bars in complete unison, all without looking at each other. From his spot on the drums, James closed his eyes. Lily focused on a specific spot on the ground, clearly listening intently to the beat given by the drums.
The melody changed abruptly to a series of sharp, detached notes before Lily came in with the top tune. Marlene looked up from her bass with a bright grin, like she couldn’t believe they had done it. The rest of the band wore similar expressions, their joy palpable, and Dorcas was reminded of why these people had been at the top of the music industry for six years.
They simply glowed when they played together, as if there was nothing in the world that they would rather be doing. There was this spark; something intangible and yet very real between all of them. It was entrancing, making you unable to look away. A small (teenage) part of Dorcas’ brain couldn’t help but feel it was something very close to magic.
“I say, don’t you know?
You say, you don’t know.
I say, take me out…”
And Marlene was simply electric. Dorcas loved the way she performed. She was truly born to be a star. Dorcas couldn’t imagine Marlene doing anything other than this.
“If I move, this could die
Eyes move, this can die
I want you to take me out…”
Dorcas saw movement to her right and noticed vaguely that it was Pandora.
“I know I won’t be leaving here…
I know I won’t be leaving here…”
Dorcas felt the next few lines like a prophetic message sent to her specifically, wiggling its way into her brain.
“I know I won’t be leaving here with you…”
“They’re good.”
Pandora’s words did nothing to attract Dorcas’, so her eyes stayed glued to the stage. She offered the other girl a distracted nod instead.
“We need to be at our best tonight or our careers in LA will be finished before they even start. We will have wasted our opportunity.”
That caught Dorcas’ attention. It was always difficult to read Pandora. The other girl looked at her with a blank face, but despite this, Dorcas could tell she wasn’t just striking up a conversation for no reason. She was nervous.
“We won’t waste our opportunity.” Dorcas replied with conviction, “They’ll love us. We’re gonna give them something they’ve never seen before.”
“”I know. I just…” Pandora looked forward towards the stage, not elaborating any further. Dorcas turned to her.
“MTV isn’t worth your nerves.” Dorcas reassured, echoing Marlene’s words to her yesterday, “Fuck these guys. Did you see the way everyone was drooling over us earlier? I don’t think we’re going to have any problems.”
“I hope so.”
“Well, I’m never wrong about anything, so…” Dorcas nudged their shoulders together, but she could tell that the other girl still remained unconvinced. “Dora, you’re incredible on stage. I wouldn’t switch frontmans with anyone else in the world. I trust you. If anyone’s going to make us memorable, it’s you.”
Pandora tried to hide her smile, but Dorcas could tell it was there. They stood in silence for a bit, watching Gryffindor Tower’s performance in front of them.
Pandora sighed, “I swear, when I have a kid I’m not gonna let it be ashamed of anything - of being too weird or of people judging them. The kid’s gonna be the freakiest little shit around and I’m not going to do anything to stop it.”
Dorcas smiled at that, of the idea of a smaller Pandora running around. The sound of cheering and clapping from the crowd brought Dorcas out of her imagination. The rate that they were screaming at was honestly concerning - Dorcas was genuinely worried for their vocal chords. Marlene, Remus, Lily, and James just smiled on stage and looked at each other with sweaty and exhausted grins.
If Salazar played their cards right, crowds could be screaming like that for them.
Marlene stayed on stage talking to the crowd and explaining that what they just played was a song off their new album whilst the rest of the members made their way off. Remus and Lily smiled at them as they walked off the stage, offering words of encouragement as they walked by. Dorcas couldn’t help but notice, however, that James’ words of encouragement were directed at one person in particular, as was his wink. Regulus rolled his eyes in response, but a smile found its way onto his face anyway.
Finally, it was Marlene’s turn to leave the stage. She walked straight over to Dorcas.
“Good luck, Meadowes.”
“Won’t need it, Mckinnon.”
Dorcas waited just long enough to see Marlene’s smile at hearing her words being echoed back to her before stepping onto the stage.
Everything was pitch black - the audience weren’t supposed to be able to see any of them until the music started. They could still see each other, though, and Dorcas turned to look at Evan, Barty, and Regulus. They were all wearing similar outfits to her. They were all put in dark green lacey outfits, attempting to mirror a typical rock band, except for the fact that Sybil had put grey duct tape on random places over their arms and legs, trying to make them look like robots that had been lazily fixed. Dorcas had one on the side of her neck. When looking at the other boys, it was clear that Sybil’s vision had worked; the duct tape added a sort of inhuman, creepy look to them.
Dorcas looked back down at her bass, trying to calm herself a little with its familiar shape and weight. They’d played on countless stages before, but none quite as make or break as this one. A bad performance would be difficult to come back from.
As the opening four beeps of the song played, Dorcas looked back up towards the front of the stage where a small screen poked up from the floor; it was there so that the performers could see what was being televised. It was far away, but Dorcas could make out Pandora’s outline as a spotlight illuminated her. The rest of the band were covered in complete darkness. Sybil had given Pandora a white, simple dress, sort of like a prom dress, with straps. It flowed down elegantly to the floor.
The beeps quickly gave way to the acoustic guitar which was played by Regulus. They always took advantage of the boy’s ability to play almost every instrument so that his role in the band was never truly fixed. He played the guitar or the piano or whatever was needed in the moment.
Pandora didn’t even lean forward into the microphone as she began singing in that strong, eery way of hers.
“Please could you stop the noise?
I’m trying to get some rest…”
The song they were playing was a gamble. It didn’t sound particularly ‘nice’ and the way they performed it wasn’t particularly ‘nice’ either, but they had all agreed that they needed to go out onto the stage with full force, guns blazing. They would have to make up for lack of rehearsal time with the sheer quality of their music.
“From all the unborn chicken voices in my head…”
Sometimes, Dorcas honestly forgot just how good Pandora was at performing. Both she and Marlene were born performers but in completely different ways. Marlene was loud and show-stopping whilst Pandora was more slow and hypnotising. She rarely moved, but her stage presence was enough. She had so much force to her just by standing there, just by her voice.
Pandora looked forward now, fixing the camera with a cold glare. In the background, Evan’s guitar had picked up with a twangy reverberation. Pandora put her arms out to the side so that her whole dress was visible. On Pandora’s left abdomen, a small but slowly spreading stain of crimson red appeared, like blood, sticking out against the clean white dress. It was slow-releasing dye, but that didn’t make it any less disturbing to look at.
She sang the next few lines with such a withering, powerful tone that Dorcas wanted to stop the performance to simply sit down and watch her. Or give her a hug for how fucking incredible she was.
“When I am King, you will be first against the wall.”
She turned her expression to one of pure dismissal.
“With your opinion which is of no consequence at all…”
The music got louder as Pandora’s voice did, holding the note. It was Dorcas’ entrance, so she turned around and looked at Evan - one of the perks of being covered in pitch black being that she could essentially do whatever she wanted because no one could see her. Dorcas’ riff was menacing and she drew what energy she could from Pandora in order to keep it that way.
“Lalalalala…”
Pandora sang incoherent sounds as Evan, Regulus, and Dorcas riffed off one another. Grabbing the microphone with both hands, Pandora sang with pure venom in her words.
“Ambition makes you look pretty ugly
Kicking and squealing gucci little piggy…”
The background guitars picked up again as Pandora sang incoherently a bit more. The dark red in her dress had spread so that it covered her entire torso.
Evan strummed a loud chord and the lights over the rest of the band flashed in unison, before going silent. With an angrier, messier tone Pandora sang as the band were left in darkness once again.
“You don’t remember, you don’t remember,”
The rest of the band came in once again, loud and harsh. White lights illuminated as they played, flashing crazily. Pandora was partially screaming now, mumbling her words a bit so that it was difficult to hear exactly what she was saying.
“Why don’t you remember my name?”
Dorcas couldn’t help the grin that spread over her face. She felt the energy of the whole thing rushing up to her, buzzing in her veins. From the corner of her eye, she could see Barty’s arms drumming wildly at a speed that looked almost impossible.
“Off with his head, man
Off with his head, man
Why don’t you remember my name?
I guess he does…”
Pandora held the last note as it turned into a high note. The guitars still played their heavy, angry riffs below her. Regulus had switched instruments from his acoustic guitar to his electric one. They all played a few notes in unison before Evan started shredding a painfully high note, leaving Regulus and Dorcas to continue the irregular melody below. The cymbals crashed loudly and all their parts broke down as they were covered in darkness once more.
Pandora, who had been standing completely still whilst others played, started humming a few notes. Regulus changed back to his acoustic guitar with a slower tempo.
“Rain down, rain down
Come on rain down on me…”
Pandora sang it with heartbreaking desperation, her dress completely crimson now. The dye had stained the girl’s hands, but she took it in her stride. She began sort of cradling herself as she sang, running her hands up and down her arms so that it was all stained red, like she had blood on her hands.
“From a great height
From a great height…”
Pandora held out her bloody hands in front of her in a sign of surrender. Dorcas would be lying if she didn’t think it was slightly disturbing and utterly creepy, but she would also be lying if she said that she didn’t think Pandora was a genius right now. The rest of the band all leaned into their microphones and continued the refrain as a chorus. Pandora sang her own melody over them.
“That’s it, sir
You’re leaving
The crackle of pigskin
The dust and the screaming
The yuppies networking
The panic, the vomit
The panic, the vomit
God loves his children
God loves his children, yeah.”
After her last note, the backing music picked up again. The white lights illuminated them once again, flashing. It was a sort of frenzy, each instrument playing a different melody. All Dorcas could hear around her was a massive wall of sound. Each of them were being pushed to the limit with their instrument, and Dorcas could feel her fingertips starting to ache and burn from the intensity. As quickly as it began, the music stopped; the ending of the song was uncomfortable.
When they finished, there was a beat of shocked silence before the whole hall erupted into an almost deafening mixture of clapping, cheering, and screaming. Dorcas felt a wave of relief wash over her as her muscles went slack. She let the praise from the audience rush through her bloodstream, giving her enough energy not to collapse on stage. It was completely overwhelming and Dorcas didn’t really know how to process it, so she simply didn’t. She just followed the rest of her bandmates to the centre of the stage and waved with them before making her way to the wings in a blur.
When she made it backstage, she heard a group of cheers and felt a body grapple her into a hug.
“That was fucking incredible!” a voice she recognised as Marlene breathed out before pulling back and looking at her with wide, bright eyes.
Still a little bit disoriented from the performance, Dorcas stared at the other girl for a bit too long before she replied, lifting an eyebrow.
“You sound surprised.”
Marlene still hadn’t fully let go of Dorcas, instead holding her with a hand on each shoulder, “I mean, I knew you guys were good but that was, like, genius.”
Marlene looked at her with such an expression of awe that Dorcas couldn’t help but feel herself blushing. God, she was really becoming pathetic. It dawned on her quite quickly that they were still very close, their faces only half an arm’s length away. Marlene was still flushed from her performance, glowing a bit with a sheen layer of sweat. Her hair fell out in curls, perfectly framing her face. Everything about her always seemed accidentally beautiful, like she hadn’t intended it to be that way but it ended up like that anyways.
“I wish I had someone to call me a genius…” Evan’s voice cut through with a smirk.
Dorcas broke out of her trance to see Barty looking at the other boy with a flirty grin, “I’ll call you that and other things tonight if you want.”
Dorcas just rolled her eyes as everyone moved forward, spilling into Gryffindor Tower’s tiny stage room.
“You were the genius.” Dorcas whispered to Pandora as they went through the doorway, squeezing the other girl’s hand.
Pandora squeezed it back, before grinning and putting on a sultry voice in clear imitation of Marlene, “No, Meadowes, you were the genius.”
“Shut up.”
Pandora just batted her eyes at her and Dorcas gave her a small, kind-hearted shove that sent her flying backwards.
Inside the room, everyone had sprawled out, sitting on various seats or free floor space. They were talking animatedly, the adrenaline rush clearly present in each and every one of them.
James called out to Dorcas and her friends in general, “Hey, you’re coming to Caradoc’s, right?”
“Well, we’re invited.” Evan replied cryptically.
“You have to come!” Marlene popped up from her place next to Remus where he was cutting her a line.
“Is it gonna be any good?” Evan looked unconvinced. They had received a few invitations to other afterparties as well as Caradoc’s.
James nodded his head forcefully, “Caradoc’s parties are always the best. Last year, it started on a Sunday and we didn’t leave their house until Thursday the following week.”
James then turned to Remus to ask him to cut him a line as well and Dorcas used the opportunity to look over at the rest of her friends, trying to telepathically communicate. Evan shrugged like he was up for anything, which Barty then mirrored. Regulus shamelessly glared at her as if to say that if they didn’t go, he would murder her. Luckily, Dorcas needed very little convincing anyways. Pandora just smiled back like she was indulging a small child, which Dorcas took to mean a ‘yes’.
“Sure, we’ll go.” was all she said.
They reunited with Sirius, Mary, Alice, and Frank once they were back outside. Frank looked at the giggling faces of his clients (namely Marlene, Remus, and James) and seemed to internally curse himself.
“Your category is up in like five minutes!” he chastised.
“Relax, Frankie.” Marlene smiled, “It’s not like we haven’t won awards completely shitfaced before.”
“Trust me I know. It keeps me up at night.”
“Maybe Alice should tire you out more, then.” Remus replied with innocent eyes and a less than innocent smile. James and Marlene laughed so much that they had to be told to quiet down.
When they returned back to their table, they sat down in different seats so that Dorcas was now next to Lily Evans on her right and Peter Pettigrew on her left.
Peter turned to address Lily, “So are you prepared to make the entire speech by yourself with those idiots on stage behind you if you win?”
Lily grinned, “Well, it’s not like I haven’t done it before - I always seem to be the most sober when I’m around them, which is unfortunate.”
“Do you not take drugs, then?” Dorcas asked, curious.
Lily shook her head, “Not really. They make me anxious. The first time I tried coke I thought I was having a heart attack.”
Dorcas nodded in understanding.
“Although,” the other girl went on, “Even if I was on their level of high, I would still be the one forced to do the speeches. None of them can be media trained for shit. It’s like they were born with no filter.”
From beside Dorcas, Peter snorted, “Like you’re any different.”
“Well, I’m better than them.”
“As if that’s hard.” Peter replied.
“Touché.” Lily conceded, taking a sip of her champagne, “It’s always good to surround yourself with people that make you look good by comparison.”
“Cheers to that,” Dorcas grinned, toasting Lily’s glass of champagne with her own, “It’s what I’ve been doing my whole life.”
Both their heads were turned up as the next awards category was announced.
“And the winners are… Gryffindor Tower!”
Dorcas looked over to Marlene, who was looking at Frank with a guilty look, trying to hide her smile behind her hand. Next to her, James was in silent hysterics. They all followed Lily’s lead when she got up and made her way towards the stage.
Lily collected the award with a smile and then turned to the microphone. The rest of the group huddled around her, almost like her little children, with Marlene and James to her left and Remus to her right.
“Wow, honestly I don’t know what to say…”
Sirius leant over from Peter’s left to whisper to the both of them, “Did you know Lily has drunk an entire bottle of champagne. Like, she’s not even close to sober. At all.”
Dorcas looked up as the girl in question continued giving her speech with a bright smile.
Dorcas sighed, “She’s my hero.”
Sirius chuckled in response.
It took a while, but eventually the awards show ended. Their group split up into two limos, all heading towards the afterparty.
The first thing Dorcas registered as the limo pulled into the driveway was that Caradoc’s house was fucking huge. She wouldn’t even call it a house. It was more like an estate; a main building surrounded by a bunch of little buildings. In front of the main entrance was a fountain in which three people had already fallen in and were trying to pull a fourth into.
There was already a crowd outside, but once the group had made their way through the front door it was pure chaos. The place was completely packed with music blaring from large stereo speakers set up in every corner. People were dancing on tables, or else engaged in drunken shouting matches with each other. As they waded through the crowd, random people came up to them and introduced themselves, congratulating them on their performance.
They made their way to the living room, which was also massive. One wall was completely made out of window panes, facing onto an outdoor pool area. Dorcas thought it would be better to go outside where the crowd seemed to be a bit more spread out.
“Reggie!” a drunken voice called out once they were outside. Dorcas turned to see a grinning James Potter, beckoning them towards their group. Beside her, Regulus sighed at the nickname, but Dorcas could tell it was done moreso in fondness than anger.
They were all spread over some patio furniture, huddled around a big bonfire. Sirius was lying horizontally on a sofa, his head in Remus’ lap as he looked up to the other boy and talked, both of them sharing a smile. His feet were resting on Mary’s lap, who was trying to pour rum into Lily’s cup and spilling it all over the place. Peter was locked in discussion with Sybil Trelawney, nodding passionately and using his hands a lot. Standing up behind the sofa were James and Marlene, who were talking to someone Dorcas did not recognise, their arm slung around Marlene’s shoulder. They had all changed out of their performance outfits.
Dorcas felt herself drawn to Marlene like a magnet - she couldn’t help it. The other girl’s face brightened as she saw Dorcas coming over.
“Hey Cas,” she grinned, “This is Caradoc.”
She motioned with her head to the person with their arm around her shoulder. They were very eccentrically dressed, with a bright silk shirt and what looked like matching pyjama silk bottoms.
“Hey, I’m Dorcas Meadowes.”
Caradoc threw her an affectionate smile before tilting their head towards Marlene, “Aw, she still introduces herself as if half the country won’t be bombarded by magazine articles in the next few weeks of her performance tonight.”
Marlene nodded solemnly, “Don’t worry, we’ll knock that out of her.”
“With your narcissism I’m sure.”
Marlene gasped, offended, “I’m not the one who monograms their shirts. That’s narcissism.”
Caradoc rolled their eyes with a pained expression, “God, you just won’t let that go.”
“No one should ever let that go.” she replied gravely.
“Well, as nice as this has been, I've got to go make the rounds. Host duty.” Caradoc sighed before turning to Dorcas, “Your performance was sick, by the way. It was lovely meeting you.”
Dorcas smiled back and Caradoc left, calling the name of someone in a group sitting a few metres away from them. Marlene offered Dorcas a bit of her drink, which she took gladly, before both of them turned to look at the pair of lovebirds in front of them, catching the tail-end of their conversation.
“... it’s true! I think the sexiest thing a person can do is smile!” James grinned at Regulus’ expression of disgust and disbelief.
“What fucking fairytale did you come from?”
Marlene spoke up somberly from beside Dorcas, “He was actually made inside of a mushroom by really small elves using magic and then brought to his parents’ doorstep by a stork.”
“None of that surprises me.” replied Regulus with a straight face.
“Can I get you a drink or something?” James asked Regulus.
“Yeah, a rum and coke?” Marlene butt in. At James’ response - a middle finger - she booed at him, pouting, “Why don’t I get the gentleman treatment?”
“Because you’re not a lady.” James provided.
“I could be one if I wanted to…” Marlene mumbled. She glared at James who smiled back as the pair walked away, heading inside.
Marlene then turned to Dorcas, looking at her with sparkling eyes. Dorcas had never really noticed how expressive eyes could be until she had seen Marlene’s. They smiled almost brighter than the rest of her face did. Dorcas loved them, really, the way they were just so full of life.
“Hey,” she whispered with a manic grin, “wanna do drugs?”
Dorcas had to stop herself from pulling a muscle by nodding too forcefully. Honestly, she would go anywhere Marlene took her.
That was why, an hour later, they were sitting in one of the corners of the sofa in the living room, completely high out of their minds. Dorcas had her head tilted backwards onto the head of the sofa whilst Marlene had sort of curled up into a ball, turning her entire body to face the other girl. After their lines in the bathroom, they had flitted about from conversation to conversation. Marlene sort of knew most people and most people certainly knew about her. Dorcas, on the other hand, knew absolutely no one there, but people also seemed to know her as well for some reason. Most of it had been a blur of colours and sensations - the warmth of Marlene’s shoulder, the tingling feeling in her arm when Marlene held it as she dragged her along to the kitchen for shots. Everything was interesting and exciting, or maybe that just was the drugs talking.
Dorcas looked over at the crowd and spotted James whispering in Regulus’ ear. She snorted a laugh at the sight.
“What?” Marlene asked, eyes glassy.
“Those two have definitely fucked.”
Marlene’s eyes followed to where Dorcas was looking, “Really? You think?”
Dorcas looked at her with a shocked expression, “You hadn’t figured it out?”
“Well, I thought that maybe they were talking, you know…” Marlene defended herself, “But I didn’t really think that they had done anything yet.”
“They have definitely done something about it.” Dorcas nodded, probably a bit too strongly but the alcohol and drugs made it hard to judge, “They’re just keeping it secret.”
There was a thoughtful pause, before Dorcas repeated disbelievingly, “I really thought you had figured it out.”
“Fuck off,” Marlene rolled her eyes, “Okay, you wanna talk about secret relationships? I’ll talk. Barty and Evan.”
She looked at Dorcas pointedly, which she couldn’t help but laugh at.
“No.” Dorcas assured, “They've got the whole flirty sexual tension thing going but they haven’t actually done anything.”
Marlene didn’t reply. Instead, she simply raised an eyebrow and looked around the room with an exaggerated innocent expression.
Dorcas turned her body to look at Marlene, “What do you know?”
Marlene grinned before pulling a bit closer to Dorcas in excitement, “Barty told me.”
“Barty told you?”
“Uh-huh.” Marlene looked way too smug right now, “Well, it’s more like I forced it out of him. But it’s the same thing.”
Dorcas tried to concentrate her scattered thoughts. It wasn’t as if Dorcas had been paying a lot of attention to Barty and Evan, but she had always thought that if something happened she would notice it. Honestly, she had thought that it would probably have been impossible not to notice.
“They’re not in a relationship, though. They just slept together.” Marlene elaborated, “Apparently it’s really awkward now, but I honestly can’t see it. You guys are all freakishly good at hiding your emotions.”
Dorcas laughed at that. They really were.
“In all honesty,” she countered, “You guys all have your emotions on display way too much.”
“That’s fair.” Marlene smiled, “Everyone’s pairing off with each other.”
Before Dorcas could dwell on the suggestion hinted there, Marlene carried on, “Has anyone caught Pandora’s eyes?”
“Nope.” Dorcas shook her head, “Pandora’s really secretive about that, though. The only one of her crushes I know about is me.”
“Really? She had a crush on you?” Marlene lifted her head up from where it had been resting on the head of the sofa, “That’s a shame. I liked her.”
“Why is that a shame?”
“Well I can’t like her now.” the other girl mumbled into her cup before taking a sip. Dorcas was honestly not sober enough to understand what the other girl was talking about, so she just let it drop.
Instead, she decided to focus on Marlene’s profile, on the way her nose sloped down, ending with a little bump at the bottom. Dorcas wanted to drag her finger along it, like a slide. If she was more sober she probably would have been more embarrassed by her thoughts.
A familiar tune started to play. Marlene was just about to take another sip from her cup before she stopped and turned to Dorcas with a huge grin.
“Oh my god I love this song!”
Dorcas rolled her eyes, expecting nothing less of Marlene Mckinnon, “Of course you do.”
The other girl just smiled back, unperturbed, as she started speaking the lyrics, “I don’t know, dude. I think everybody’s all jealous and shit.”
Dorcas shook her head, refusing to indulge the other girl. Unfortunately, this just seemed to make her smile even wider. She leaned in to Dorcas, completely in character - which, to be fair, was very similar to Marlene anyways.
“ ‘cause I’m, like, the lead singer of a band, dude. And I think everybody’s got a fucking problem with me, dude.”
“This song should never be played in your presence.”
“Babe, I’m the fucking inspiration for this song.” the other girl grinned.
“Well they certainly got the smug asshole part right.”
Marlene just winked at her - honestly, she needed to stop doing that so often because Dorcas was in danger of cardiac arrest.
“Marley! Marls Bar! Mckinnon! Where the fuck are you?” a voice called out from somewhere in the room.
“Sirius?” Marlene called back, jumping excitedly off the couch in search of her friend.
They met each other with a huge hug and smiles in the middle of the crowd, both of them singing as loudly as they could. From their right, James Potter appeared. The other two cheered at his arrival. All three of them danced in the middle of the room, singing the lyrics with as much energy as they could muster.
Dorcas felt the couch dip beside her and was greeted by the sight of Mary Macdonald. She hadn’t really spoken much to Mary, which was odd because Dorcas knew so much about her through Marlene. Mary turned to her with a look that was less than friendly, which set Dorcas on edge. Out of the two of them, Marlene definitely had the kinder eyes.
“Dont fuck with her feelings, okay?”
Dorcas blinked, baffled. For a second she thought that she was hallucinating, “What?”
Mary rolled her eyes, “You’re not stupid. You know what I mean.”
“I’m not fucking with her feelings.” Dorcas defended herself.
“Good.” was all Mary said, before getting up from the couch and walking away with her head held high.
What was Mary even on? What was that? Dorcas didn’t rule out the possibility that she actually had hallucinated the entire conversation.
Dorcas quickly forgot about Mary’s words as she caught sight of Marlene when the song ended, coming towards her. A few more lines taken in the bathroom resulted in her honestly forgetting who Mary Macdonald even was. All she could focus on was the girl in front of her. Marlene had honestly become the only person allowed in Dorcas’ frame of vision. It didn’t help that Marlene seemed to follow her like a loyal puppy, trusting Dorcas to lead her the right way, which she found ridiculously endearing.
They were standing by the edge of the pool now, smoking a cigarette. The blue ripples in the water reflected onto Marlene’s face and Dorcas was sort of hypnotised by it. God, she needed to get a grip.
She turned her gaze towards the swimming pool and tried to collect her thoughts about the night.
They had played the MTV awards.
They had played the MTV awards and people had fucking liked them.
Dorcas felt like her chest was imploding from happiness and exhaustion. She didn’t really know where Evan, Barty, or Pandora were - although she had seen three figures that looked suspiciously like them lighting something on fire in the driveway a few hours ago. She wanted to see them as soon as possible. She wanted to give them a hug… or something. Even if they felt uncomfortable and hated her for it.
“What are you smiling about?”
Dorcas turned to see Marlene’s eyes fixed on her, mirroring her smile.
“Nothing… I just…” Dorcas had to look away because she feared her brain freezing once again just by looking at Marlene, “I’m proud of us - of the band, I mean.”
“You should be proud of yourself. I’m honestly a little scared that you upstaged us.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, and a bit annoyed.” she turned to her with a glare which had no real malice behind it.
“Well, you should be.”
“Although,” Marlene countered, pointing a finger at her, “Our band’s lead singer was way cooler than yours. Way sexier, too.”
Dorcas looked at her with an unconvinced expression, “Cooler than Pandora?”
Marlene faltered, “Well… yeah…”
“That doesn’t sound too self-assured.” Dorcas teased.
“Shut up.”
“I just think that if you really thought that you were the coolest lead singer you should be a bit more confident about it…”
Marlene stepped closer to Dorcas, “Look, sure, Pandora’s got that whole ‘holier-than-thou’ cool thing going on, but I’m, like, a rockstar.”
She said the last word with a marvelled wonder and Dorcas couldn’t help but think that she was right. When Dorcas thought of rock’n’roll, she thought of Marlene. She thought of the way she danced about on stage, of the way she told people what she thought without caring about the consequences, of the way she almost hypnotised you when she performed, knocking the breath out of your lungs.
Still, Dorcas couldn’t give her the satisfaction of admitting that she was right, so she didn’t say any of that.
“ I don’t know…”
“Well, what does Pandora have that I don’t?”
Dorcas couldn’t help but laugh at Marlene’s expression of genuine offence.
“You’re actually jealous, aren’t you?” Dorcas said incredulously.
Marlene blushed - like, actually blushed, “Of what?”
“Of the fact that I’m defending Pandora.” Dorcas smiled.
“No I’m not.”
“You so are.” Dorcas didn’t know whether it was the drugs or Marlene’s presence that was responsible for the way that she was grinning now, but she didn’t seem to care. Instead, she pointed an accusing finger at the other girl, “You're jealous! You look like you’re about to go charging like a little tiny prince to defend your honour-”
The rest of her sentence was cut off as an arm pushed her forward and she felt herself hit the cold water. She was underwater for a few seconds, before she swam back up to the surface. Marlene stood at the pool’s edge with a beaming smile, not looking guilty in the slightest whilst Dorcas glared at her. Before Dorcas could say anything, Marlene took a few steps back, and then started running towards the pool.
“Watch out!” she shouted before she cannonballed in.
When her head poked out through the surface, it appeared only an arm’s length away from Dorcas.
“You little-” Dorcas spat out as she started making her way towards Marlene.
“Help!” Marlene cried out in an exaggerated fashion as she sprawled the other way, “I’m being attacked!”
Dorcas’ path was made difficult as a bunch of people followed Marlene’s suit and started jumping into the pool. The other girl eventually made it to the steps that led out of the pool and she clambered up them. Unfortunately for her, Dorcas had also made it to the stairs.
“Pease!” Marlene pleaded, clearly trying to contain a laugh, “I’m a pacifist! I’m against violence!”
Dorcas just glared at her, trying to contain a laugh of her own.
“Okay, what if I ask Caradoc if they have some spare clothes we can change into.” Marlene continued, putting two hands up in front of her as if she was trying to contain a wild animal, “Could we call a truce then?”
Dorcas continued glaring for a while, before her expression softened and she rolled her eyes, “Only if you ask specifically for the monogrammed shirts.”
Marlene’s eyes lit up with mischief, “Only the best for you, miss Meadowes.”
As Marlene walked away, Dorcas made her way towards the bar to get herself a glass of water. She was completely soaked, dripping chlorine everywhere she went. None of her friends were outside, except for Peter who was still talking to Sybil. Most people had jumped in the pool, but there was still a substantial crowd milling about in the backyard or by the pool house.
“You’re Dorcas Meadowes, right?” a girl with short brown hair came up to her as she was pouring herself some water. The other girl started pouring her own drink.
“Yeah.”
“I’m Julie Asghar.” the other girl smiled, “I loved your performance.”
Dorcas smiled at that. No matter how many times people came up and congratulated her, she never got sick of it.
“Thanks.”
The other girl turned around and leaned slightly on the bar table behind her. She sipped her drink and looked around. Dorcas decided to do the same.
“Crazy party, right?” Julie commented, “Although Caradoc’s always are.” she looked over at Dorcas and glanced over her clothes with a smile, “I was wondering how long it would take until people started jumping into the pool.”
Dorcas laughed, “Yeah, well, Marlene pushed me in so…”
“Ah.” Julie gave her a knowing look, “Should’ve known. Every time I come to one of these things she’s pushing a different girl in.”
Before Dorcas could ask what that meant, she heard a familiar voice behind her, “Hey, Cas! I scored us those monogram shirts!”
Marlene stopped short when she saw the girl in front of Dorcas.
“Hey, Julie.” She greeted with a polite smile, a look of familiarity on her face. They knew each other. But then why was it so awkward? Marlene was never awkward around, well, anyone.
“Hey Marls.” the other girl replied with a similar look.
“We’ve got to go.” Marlene explained a bit uncomfortably, clearly trying to be nice but not knowing how to, “But it was nice seeing you.”
“Yeah, you too.”
Marlene gave the girl a small wave before turning around and leaving as fast as she could, bringing Dorcas along with her.
“Did you know her?” Dorcas asked as she was dragged inside.
“Yeah. we… well, it doesn’t matter.” Marlene replied cryptically. Or, as cryptically as was possible for someone like her. Still, it was very clear what she meant, “Caradoc said we could use some of the spare clothes they keep in the guest bedroom.”
As they made their way through the corridors of the large house, Dorcas was reminded that she was not even sober in the slightest. As she tried her best not to stumble or let the flash of images she was seeing disorient her, Marlene finally came to a stop.
She opened the bright red door and inside was a mess of bright colours and eclectic furniture.
“Wow, Caradoc’s taste is really something…” Dorcas commented as they both walked in.
Marlene laughed in response, making her way towards the walk-in wardrobe. Dorcas followed her.
“Here are the shirts.” Marlene said distractedly as she flung two sets of silk shirts in Dorcas’ direction, “And here are the shorts.”
“Shorts?” Dorcas repeated.
“Yeah, apparently they don’t keep spare trousers, just shorts.”
It was the first time Dorcas really looked at Marlene since they had jumped in the pool. Her hair was wet, but had still managed to stay in ringlets, falling carelessly onto her shoulders. Her white top had gone slightly transparent, so that Dorcas could see the black bra underneath. Both her top and her skirt hugged her body now, clinging to it. Dorcas felt her heart literally skip a beat as she went up to the other girl to grab the silk shorts.
“You can change in the bedroom and I’ll stay here if that makes you more comfortable.”
“I’m okay here.” Dorcas replied, careful not to let any emotion spill into her voice or her facial expression.
Marlene looked at her like she just couldn’t figure her out. Dorcas liked that, honestly. It made her feel interesting, like a puzzle to solve.
“Are you sure?” Marlene carried on nonchalantly, “Because one look at my topless body and I think you might self-combust.”
Dorcas rolled her eyes, “I think I’ll survive.”
“Will you?” Marlene smirked with a cocksure glint in her eyes. Dorcas stopped herself from blurting out that she in fact wasn’t sure that she wouldn’t self-combust.
Marlene started taking her top off, slowly.
A laugh bubbled out of Dorcas’ throat, “You look like you’re doing a striptease.”
Marlene smiled, before stepping forward towards Dorcas brazenly, “Well, maybe I am.”
The newfound proximity did nothing to help Dorcas’ beating heart. In fact, it actually made it worse, because Dorcas could make out parts of Marlene’s face that she couldn’t before, such as the small freckles that were dispersed on her cheekbones. She was like a painting. Dorcas had thought it before, but it had never really hit her with as much force as it did now. She was a burst of colours, of emotion. Dorcas had never met someone so openly herself, so filled with feeling. It scared her a little bit, but it also drew her in. Like a moth to a flame, her drug-addled mind supplied . Dorcas wanted to feel the heat, she wanted it to fill up every ache in her body.
“But I don’t have any money to pay you...” Dorcas sighed coyly.
“That’s okay. I don’t want money.”
Dorcas blamed the drugs for what she said next, leaving her without any filter whatsoever.
“What do you want, then?” she replied suggestively.
Marlene smiled, like she had just gotten the question she wanted. She glanced down at Dorcas’ lips and then dragged her gaze back up.
“I have some ideas….”
Dorcas felt something in her chest explode, like damn breaking down, and in less than two seconds she was pushing Marlene backwards, their lips colliding as she pinned the other girl to the wall. They went back with such force that a few hangers fell off the railings, but Dorcas couldn’t find it in her to care one bit. She was too busy running her hands through the other girl’s hair, every synapse in her brain exploding like popping candy. The kiss deepened, and Dorcas felt herself pressing further into the girl, just wanting to feel her warmth. Marlene fumbled for the edges of her top, which Dorcas happily helped her take off.
“I guess there’s no strip tease in the end.” Dorcas commented distractedly when they broke apart as Marlene pulled her top over her head.
“Don’t worry,” the other girl smirked as she flung the top away, “I’ll give you a show anyways.”
“Is that so?” Dorcas replied as Marlene pushed her backwards until her calves collided with something solid behind her. Marlene pushed her gently, but Dorcas didn’t need any encouragement to fall backwards onto the plush sofa.
Marlene grinned as she hopped onto the other girl’s lap, “I’m nothing if not a performer.”
Dorcas’ heart did more embarrassing palpitations at that as Marlene leaned forward slowly and began to press soft kisses into her neck. They slowly grew harsher as the other girl made her way towards Dorcas’ collarbone, eventually taking a bit of skin between her teeth. Dorcas trailed her hands along Marlene’s waist, her mind still a bit slow to catch up to what was actually happening, blissfully unaware. Her hands found the edges of the other girl's underwear, twisting them with her fingers as Marlene moved back to kiss her on the mouth. The kiss wasn’t gentle anymore, but needy, desperate. A soft moan escaped from Dorcas, which was what kickstarted her brain into overdrive.
Marlene had probably done this before. Like, at this exact spot. What was it that other girl had said? Something about how she pushed a different girl into the pool at each new party. It was almost instinctual, the way in which Dorcas pushed the other girl back slightly, breaking apart the kiss. Marlene looked at her in silent question, but Dorcas could only focus on the alarm bells ringing in her head.
She really liked this girl. God, she was so fucking stupid. Her heart had gone and gotten attached to a girl whose reputation of being a heartbreaker followed her everywhere.
Dorcas felt the overwhelming urge to just shut down. To go home and repair herself, like some broken robot, to work on her defences and make sure Marlene hadn’t crumbled them too much. To take back some feeling of control, because it was quickly slipping out of her hands.
“What’s wrong?” Marlene asked, getting off Dorcas’ lap to sit next to her instead.
“Nothing.” Dorcas replied quickly.
“Are you sure?”
“Yep.” Dorcas nodded as she got up, grabbing the silk shirt and shorts that she still hadn’t changed into, “I’ve just… got to go. Don’t tell anyone about this, okay?”
Marlene looked at her in utter confusion. She didn’t even look upset, she just looked lost and so, so fucking beautiful. Dorcas kind of hated that.
Marlene nodded as Dorcas began to make her way out of the room.
“Sure. I won’t tell anyone.”