jealous, jealous, jealous girl
“You’re coming tonight, right?”
Marlene blinked harshly, Mary’s words pulling her out of her thoughts.
“Yeah, of course.” she smiled, not really remembering what Mary was talking about. She’d been doing that a lot lately, just letting the constant whirring of her thoughts lead her way. It was clearly obvious by the look on her face that she hadn’t been following the conversation because Mary raised her eyebrow.
“The Galliano event.” she clarified, “You said you’d come. I sent your measurements to the designers weeks ago - the dresses arrived yesterday.”
“Did they?”
Marlene didn’t remember hearing the doorbell ring. They had spent the whole day in bed recovering from Caradoc’s. They would pass each other in the hallway periodically when they coincided in their expeditions to the kitchen for food or aspirin. They would nod at each other, each wrapped in a blanket, a silent understanding that fully-formed sentences were beyond their current abilities.
Now, they were both curled up on the couch in the conversation pit, the only thing their stomachs could handle for breakfast being a giant cup of bitter black coffee. Marlene was cradling the mug with both hands as she unconsciously copied Mary’s yawn. They both still had their makeup on from Caradoc’s. Marlene’s eyeliner was smudged across her face and she kept finding small pieces of glitter around the house that were suspiciously similar to the ones scattered around Mary’s eyelids.
It was too late to back out from the Galliano event now and, to be honest, it was probably in Marlene’s best interest to distract herself. Every time she let it, her brain would replay the events with Dorcas at the party on repeat like some sort of torture device, scanning it compulsively for any indication of what she did wrong. Was she too forward? Dorcas seemed to have liked it in the moment. Maybe she actually hadn’t.
“Yep. They were standing outside the house when we came in.” Mary smiled, “You were just too blitzed to notice.”
“Cool.”
All Marlene could do was play the scene over and over again.
“You okay?”
What kept her brain skipping like a broken disc was that she didn’t understand what had happened and it was fucking infuriating. She just needed someone to tell her… something … anything.
But she always did this; at this point it was like she was doomed to act out the same role in a play over and over again. She acted before she thought anything through and was left reeling from the consequences, confused as to how it got to that point. Because, sometimes, Marlene was simply careless. She never meant to be, but she was. She always went into things with the best intentions, but that was never enough - she got people hurt, she got herself hurt. Marlene’s heart was greedy and no amount of love ever left her satisfied. It always wanted more, flitting from person to person as if it was looking for its next prey. It hadn’t been satisfied with Dorcas’ friendship, it had wanted more, and maybe the other girl had backed out when she realised that, when she saw how serious it was for Marlene. She wished she didn’t throw her heart around so much, it always ended up bruised.
“Hello?”
She couldn’t help the rush of warmth that flowed through her veins when she saw Dorcas. She couldn’t help the way she felt safe with her, the way her mind finally stopped its incessant whirring when the other girl was around, the way everything calmed down for a while. She didn’t have to grapple for something funny or smart to say; she didn’t have to perform. She liked how treasured it made her feel, how complete. Because Hollywood had almost definitely fucked her up and it felt like Dorcas could undo it. Maybe that sounded unhealthy. Marlene didn’t really care. She would do it for Dorcas. She would take any bad thought she ever had about herself and bury it at the bottom of the ocean, never to be touched again.
“Marlene!”
For the fiftieth time that morning, Marlene was pulled out of her thoughts.
“Yes?”
“What is up with you?” Mary asked, trying to play it off casually but with a concerned look in her eyes.
“Nothing.” Marlene lied, “I’m good.”
“You’re ‘good’?” Mary mocked disbelievingly.
“Yes.”
Marlene wasn’t really feeling cold but she picked up one of the blankets on the couch and pulled it over herself anyways in an attempt to have something to do with her hands whilst Mary glared at her. She never usually lied to Mary, but she hadn’t told her about what happened with Dorcas - she knew she would just get more worried. Mary loved so fiercely that she always carried her friends’ burdens as her own.
After a while, Mary sighed, “How’s Dorcas?”
“How’s Lily?” Marlene shot back.
“Touche.” Mary smirked, not looking hurt in the slightest. She picked up the coffee pot and started pouring herself another cup, “So we both don’t want to talk about our problems. Was I at least in the right ballpark with my Dorcas guess?”
“Kind of,” Marlene supplied, holding her cup out so Mary could also pour her some more coffee, “Also, it’s the first of the month today, so, you know, that’s not great.”
“Shit. I thought you hadn’t noticed.”
Marlene gave a little shrug, “Ever since we got that new calendar I have been a lot more knowledgeable about the date.”
Mary laughed. During the European leg of their tour last year, they had bought a calendar in Rome which was filled with pictures of hot priests, one for every month of the year. As a result, Marlene had greeted the beginning of the month in which it would mark seven years since Emmeline’s death with a picture of a priest pouring holy wine down his white robes, making it transparent enough to see his abs underneath.
“Do you wanna stay home today?” Mary asked.
Marlene smiled reassuringly, “Nah, I honestly would prefer the distraction.”
The other girl nodded, before springing up from the couch. It was already around five in the afternoon, so Mary peeled Marlene off the couch and pushed her up the stairs to get ready. She motioned towards her bed on which there lay two outfits on hangers, covered by a black silk covering. Marlene sat herself on the bed as the other girl began unzipping the bag with her name written on a small slip of paper on the front.
She pulled out a short, sheer dress. It was light blue and completely see-through, sort of like a babydoll dress with short, puffy sleeves and a square neckline. Underneath it, on a different hanger, was a white lacey bra and underwear set. It was paired with a pair of white platform heels which were adorned with ribbons that went up the leg, like ballet dancers’ shoes.
“Wow.” was all Marlene could say. She was completely mesmerised.
Mary was holding the dress as if it were solid gold. She turned to the other girl with a look of pure joy, “I know.”
She handed it over to Marlene, who placed it on her lap very gently. Mary started unzipping her own outfit. It revealed a corset which was the same shade of blue as Marlene’s dress. It was decorated with delicate white lace that went up the straps. The skirt, when paired with the corset, made the ensemble look like a singular large 19th century ball gown, except for the fact that it had been cut incredibly short.
Mary opened this with a look of pure glee.
“I can’t believe we’ve just been given a custom Galliano.”
“Mary,” the other girl baulked, “You’re the biggest name in modelling right now.”
“I know,” Mary rolled her eyes, “It’s just… I don’t know. It still feels so special.”
Mary loved fashion the way Marlene loved music; in an unashamedly nerdy way. She possessed an encyclopaedic knowledge of fashion houses and fashion movements, dating back to the fifties. She had been a child model, so she practically grew up surrounded by the industry. To anyone else, this may have made them hate the fashion world, but not Mary. She still freaked out when a new collection came out, dissecting the trends she had seen during fashion week with awe over dinner with Marlene, who passionately obliged.
Marlene let herself be distracted by the other girl’s joy. Mary made them two cups of green tea and placed them on her dressing table. It was antique, which, although it should probably have clashed with the deeply 70s design of the house, instead complemented it perfectly. It had a large mirror and small floral designs on the painted wooden panelling.
They spent the next few hours there, getting ready with the radio on. They sang along passionately to the songs they knew and spent long periods in concentrated silence when the makeup they were applying called for it. They bumped into each other as they reached for different makeup brushes, or pushed each other out of the way as they huddled around the mirror to get a better look at themselves. Their time was punctuated by breaks in which they would recount rumours they had recently heard, putting pieces of gossip together like detectives attempting to build a timeline.
“Apparently, Maya told her husband that the song wasn’t about Justin, but she told Lucille that it was.” Mary waved around her eyeliner for emphasis as she spoke.
“You know that doesn’t surprise me.” Marlene nodded, completely hooked on the story, “The lyrics mentioned the Ridgely Hotel and I knew that they both stayed there last November when they were filming that music video.”
“Inter-band relationships are so messy.” Mary sighed.
“Always.” Marlene agreed as she sat up from her spot to take a look at herself in the mirror once again, “You’d think people would be more secretive about their affairs.”
“I know,” Mary nodded, “Like, you can’t help a pap shot of you guys secretly together but to put it in your song lyrics is just plain dumb.”
“Worked out for Fleetwood Mac, though.” Marlene pointed out as she put on more mascara.
“True.” Mary conceded, “But Maya is nowhere near Stevie Nicks.”
“Ugh, I wish I was Stevie Nicks.” Marlene replied distractedly as she put the mascara back where it came from.
A distant voice calling from downstairs interrupted their conversation, “Mary? Marls?”
“We’re in Mary’s room!” Marlene called out. A few seconds later they heard two pairs of footsteps racing up the stairs.
“Are you ready to see our outfits?” Sirius’ muffled voice declared from behind the door. He had also been invited to the event and had chosen to bring James as his plus one. They both had a set of keys, so neither of the girls had been surprised when they had heard his voice downstairs.
Without waiting for an answer, he burst in through the door. Sirius was wearing a light blue corset of his own, with matching light blue trousers. The corset had a different design than Mary’s, though, with short ruffles along the top and two large ribbons as straps, which had been tied up on each of his shoulders. Behind him, James was wearing a light blue, short-sleeved top with a sixties-style collar that was made out of plastic. It looked a bit like a jacket - It was buttoned-up and cropped, leaving a ragged hem at the bottom. His pants were of the same colour and material.
The girls cheered as they walked in, meeting them with wide grins.
“You guys don’t even have your outfits on!” Sirius stopped when he looked at them, disappointed.
“We’ll put them on in a second.” Mary threw over her shoulder as she went back to putting on blush.
Sirius went up to the dressing table to retouch his eyeliner. James fell back onto the bed, lying down. Marlene decided to join him, plopping down next to him. They both looked up at the ceiling for a while in silence as they listened to Mary and Sirius freaking out to each other about their custom Gallianos.
“It’s the first of August today.” James spoke up in a quiet voice without turning to look at her, “You okay?”
“Not really.” Marlene replied, “You?”
“Not really.”
Marlene huffed a laugh, “It doesn’t get a lot easier, does it?”
“No.” James agreed, “Although everybody said it would.”
Marlene hummed in agreement, “What a bunch of liars.”
They lapsed into silence. It was dark outside and the only light in the room came from Mary’s assortment of lamps, bathing everything in a warm glow. Sometimes, Marlene felt grief like a hammer to the chest and sometimes, she felt it like a slow and cold ache. Right now she felt it in the second way.
James squeezed her hand and she squeezed it back. She got up and grabbed her dress to put it on in the bathroom, anxious for the distraction. Tonight, as best as she could, she would forget all about Emmeline and Dorcas and all the ways in which she hurt people and they hurt her back. Maybe she wasn’t fit for love; it was all too messy. Maybe she should just give it all up, disentangle herself - and focus on the love in her life that she did seem to get right: her friends.
It didn’t take them long to finish getting ready after that. They all piled into a black limo, being careful not to ruin their makeup or harm their clothes in any way. The car pulled up outside of the event and two sets of bodyguards pushed the crowd out of the way in order to open the car doors. Paparazzi swarmed them as they tried to barge their way through the crowd towards the doors of the club. Marlene used her elbows to get through, not feeling any shame. Once they reached the entrance to the club, they were met with two more bodyguards with huge builds, sunglasses and earpieces. They stood on either side of the door as a woman with a bright smile motioned for them to walk in. She didn’t even bother to check her list - which made sense; Mary and Sirius were the two biggest models in the game right now.
The doors parted for them and they were led through a dark corridor. It gave out onto a huge club with multiple floors that looked out onto a main dance floor. People turned to look at them as they walked in. The music was loud, echoing through Marlene’s bones. She turned to Mary as the other girl smirked back, essentially breathing life back into Marlene’s system. Nights out with Mary were always the best. They just knew each other so well, like two extensions of the same being.
The bodyguard leaned over to Mary, “There’s a private floor reserved for VIP guests, if you would prefer. Your names are all on the list.”
“We’ll pass.” the girl in question dismissed, “You always lose out on the clubbing vibe when you’re locked up in one of those things.”
She smiled brightly at the guy as he simply nodded before making his way back down the corridor. Marlene noted that he seemed to walk in right angles like a video game character. She whispered this to James, who started laughing.
Mary turned around to them, grinning as she shouted over the music, “I’m getting us tequila shots!”
“Okay!” Marlene shouted back. Mary immediately spun around and started making her way towards the bar.
Marlene directed her next words at Sirius, “Just make sure you have your boyfriend on speed dial. He’ll be necessary if I start slipping into Spanish.”
Sirius rolled his eyes with a smile, “The way you have managed to teach him Spanish simply by constantly speaking it to him when you’re completely hammered will never fail to amaze me.”
“He’s just so smart.” Marlene replied dreamily.
“Isn’t he?” the other boy replied with an equally dreamy expression.
With an abrupt change of tone, Marlene looked at James and Sirius, “Right, let’s find a table.”
Marlene started making her way through the crowd, leading the two boys towards a free table she spotted in the corner. The whole place was packed, so she had to push her way through.
Marlene felt unstable. That was the only word she could use to describe it. It was as if every cell in her body was balancing over a precipice, trying not to fall. Having her friends around her always gave her a sense of calm, but she couldn’t help but feel an undercurrent of electricity. She tried to push it aside.
Mary returned to the table with a tray full of shots.
“God, just the thought of alcohol makes me wanna be sick.” James groaned as he knocked back a shot.
“Well, you don’t have to drink.” Marlene pointed out.
“No, it’s okay.” James mumbled as he drank another one. Marlene shared a smile with Sirius at that.
They spent the next hour gossiping in detail about all of the celebrities that they spotted on the dance floor, Mary and Sirius providing them with exclusive insider knowledge. James never seemed to know any gossip himself, but he was always ready to participate in it, throwing himself into the deep psychoanalysis of strangers. Marlene kept knocking back drink after drink until everything seemed a little bit hazier and a little bit lighter. At one point, Mary and James got up to dance to a Justin Timberlake song, which Sirius and Marlene refused to do out of deference for Britney - despite the fact that she cheated on him and that, yes, What Comes Around is a great song.
“As much as I love Galliano, I hate these events.” Sirius sighed as he sipped on a Margarita.
“Why?”
“Too much attention, you know?”
A laugh bubbled out of Marlene, “No, I don’t know.”
Sirius scrunched his forehead in confusion, “Wait, what?”
This just made Marlene laugh again - yep, she was definitely drunk.
“I love attention.” she replied flatly, “It’s great. You don’t?”
“From my friends, sure, but from strangers… not so much.” he shook his head, “I think it’s ‘cos of my parents. They watched over me all the time when I was a kid. It was fucking awful. It made me feel like a little science experiment. Or a doll.”
“Fuck them.” Marlene replied, which was basically her only thought when Sirius’ parents were concerned.
“Mhmm.” Sirius nodded before breaking into a laugh which Marlene unconsciously copied, “You know, when I got signed to my first modelling agency, they told me that I couldn’t get any tattoos. So the first thing I did when I walked out of there was book myself a session with a tattoo artist. I got one the next day.”
“So that’s why we got those tattoos.” Marlene snapped her finger, remembering the time Sirius called her up and told her that they were both getting tats the next day. Sirius had gotten a Scorpio constellation on his hip and Marlene had gotten a Leo one on her collarbone.
“Yeah.” Sirius smiled, “I can’t believe you just went with it.”
Marlene shrugged her shoulders, “You seemed like you were in distress and I’m not too bothered by impulsive decisions.”
Sirius lifted his drink to that, before downing the rest of it. Suddenly, Ace of Spades’ All That She Wants came on and, without a word, Marlene grabbed Sirius’ arm and dragged him to the dance floor. They quickly found Mary and James, who grinned brightly when they came over. The lights of the dance floor made Marlene’s vision a bit hazy - although, if she was honest, that was probably more the alcohol than anything. She soaked the feeling in, of dancing with her best friends in a dress which made her look fucking stunning. She let the music drown all her thoughts out.
Her eye caught on a familiar silhouette in the corner of the room. Emma Vanity was leaning on the wall behind her in a green silk dress.
Marlene turned to Mary, “Emma Vanity is here.”
“Ugh,” Mary rolled her eyes.
“I know.”
Emma Vanity was Mary’s biggest rival in the modelling industry. There was bad blood between them, although no one - not even Marlene - really knew why. Still, she would probably jump off a cliff if her friends did, so she followed Mary blindly.
She looked back to where Emma was to see that she was no longer alone. Marlene’s breath hitched. Beside her, handing her a drink with a hand on her waist, was Dorcas Meadowes.
Her entire body went cold. Or hot. Or both. It was an unsteady feeling, as if she had just fragmented, every tendon in her body stretched. Her skin felt prickly. A small part of her brain registered that being snubbed by a girl was rude, of course, but it wasn’t supposed to make you feel physically sick. Still, Marlene did. Anger wasn’t even half of it - it was mostly a kind of terror that Marlene couldn’t really describe.
From across the room, Dorcas looked up. Their eyes met. The other girl’s eyes widened. Marlene didn’t want to stick around to see any more.
“I’m going to the bathroom.” she threw over her shoulder as she walked off the dance floor.
She pushed through the crowds, trying to find the outdoor smoking area. When she finally found it, she pushed the door open. It led out onto a balcony. She lit a shaky cigarette, trying to calm her thoughts.
She still felt a heavy weight in her chest, making it almost hard to breathe. Marlene knew what this was - she wasn’t stupid. She knew how her brain worked. She knew that it was irrational, and yet she couldn’t help herself but succumb to her usual panic. She couldn’t help but feel utterly worthless. She couldn’t help but feel the steady fear of insignificance swallow her. Because she had tried so, so hard to make people hear her voice, and yet she still made no sound. Yet they still swapped her out. Marlene was tired. Most of the time, she felt like both the puppet on strings and the puppetmaster, forcing herself to dance and provide a show. It was fucking exhausting.
She inhaled a puff of her cigarette. Her initial panic had given way to anger - or rather, she decided to focus on the anger instead.
Because fuck her. Fuck Dorcas Meadowes. Fuck anyone who hurt Marlene Mckinnon.
Genuinely, fuck them.