Did the pretty girl make you self-combust?
Regulus liked it when things were still. Always had. He liked when he knew exactly what was around him. Above all, he liked when he could control everything going on in a room. You’d think this would make him unsuited for a career in a band, but it was the exact opposite. When you were up on stage, you were the one in control. If the band played loud, energetic music then the crowd was loud and energetic. If they played quieter, slower music then the crowd was quieter and slower too. It was not that Regulus liked to play God necessarily - although that in itself was debatable - it was just that he didn’t really like surprises. Things were better when he knew what was happening.
Many people thought that this was one of Regulus’ many flaws, although they always gave him a lot of leeway about it when they found out about his childhood. It had ruined a lot of moments in Regulus’ life - this hyper-vigilance that seemed to follow him everywhere - but it wasn’t all bad. It had been what had first drawn him and Dorcas together; a shared understanding of each other’s ‘neurotic tendencies’. It was the reason Regulus never judged Dorcas whenever she spent six hours getting ready, or turned into a completely different person depending on who she was talking to, or refused to be vulnerable even if she was quite literally crumbling under the pressure. Similarly, it was why Dorcas didn’t care when Regulus refused to talk about his feelings, adopting to simply have a nervous breakdown instead, or when Regulus shut himself off for hours at a time, or sometimes refused to move anywhere where there wasn’t a wall behind him - his blind spot.
In fact, their more negative traits had been what had drawn all of them together. Evan, like Regulus, had grown up under the crushing weight of a family that expected nothing but the best from them and therefore, like Regulus, spiralled whenever they didn’t reach it. Barty instinctively broke any expectation set upon him to a masochistic degree and Pandora was a guarded, tightly closed book until she felt comfortable around you, which didn’t happen often.
Regulus understood the feeling - It was the reason he couldn’t seem to let the band play any of the songs he had spent years working on.
But Regulus wanted to be one of the people he had grown up listening to, helping him understand things about himself he wasn’t sure he would have ever known otherwise. One of the few things that could truly put a mirror up to yourself was music. No one could soften the blow for you, like they would in conversation. Music just pointed out what was wrong and carried on with the melody, leaving you reeling and completely alone in your revelation.
He glanced down at the piece of paper he was rewriting and rereading for the millionth time. The apartment was completely empty since Pandora, Evan and Barty had gone to the studio in the morning and Dorcas was preparing things at Lily’s house for her mom’s arrival. The clear sunlight streaming in through the window revealed the scratches on the dark wooden floor, highlighting the specs of grainy dust in the air, moving ever so slowly. Completely still.
Regulus finished the cigarette he was smoking and put it out in the ashtray, beginning to inspect the piece of paper again. So far, he only had a few unconnected verses. He had started writing it a few days after Sirius had left, and slowly it had morphed into a sort of tableau of the weeks leading up to his brother’s escape.
When they were younger, Regulus had always thought it was him and Sirius versus the labels his parents had tried to stamp onto them. But over the years, they had begun to drift further and further into the boxes they had been put in; the golden child and the black sheep. Sirius had started going out more and more and their parents were getting more and more upset about it. Regulus hadn’t been stupid. He had known Sirius was planning something.
For some reason, it still shocked him when he left.
Your hand on his arm
Haystack charm around your neck
Strung out and thin
Calling some friend trying to cash some check
He’s acting dumb
That’s what you’ve come to expect…
He had written the second verse to his parents. Despite what Sirius thought, Regulus had understood a lot why he did what he did. He just wasn’t brave enough to do it himself. He never did anything until it came to a boiling point. That was the difference between them. So a little part had believed his parents when they said that they were trying to help Sirius. Maybe it was selfish. Maybe he simply wanted to believe there was something Sirius could do to fix it. Maybe Regulus still hadn’t forgiven himself to this day for thinking that way.
He’s wearing your clothes
Head down to toes, a reaction to you
You say you know what he did
But you idiot kid, you don’t have a clue
Sometimes they just get caught in the eye
You’re pulling him through…
He tried not to think about his childhood too much, not just because it was awful, and he hated the way he looked, the body he was put into, but because it was just so sad. Because he can’t look at younger pictures of himself without thinking that that was the face his parents saw when they treated him with cruelty. And he was just a little boy.
Regulus shut down from a very young age and he never knew whether he fully turned back on again.
I can’t be myself
I can’t be myself and I don’t want to talk
I’m taking the cure so I can be quiet wherever I want
So leave me alone
You ought to be proud that
I’m getting good marks…
The lyrics were good - Regulus knew at least that. But he sat and read them over once more. And then again. By the time Dorcas came to pick him up he hadn’t changed one thing from the song. He was sitting in the exact same position.
“I’m driving.” the other girl declared as she grabbed the keys from Regulus’ hands and spun around swiftly to leave the apartment.
Regulus grumbled a bit, but he followed her anyway. The journey to the bus stop to collect Dorcas’ mom was about an hour away. Meanwhile, Dorcas put on the radio and they talked about what songs they liked and their thoughts on each of the artists. It was a way of curbing the anticipation - for both of them. Dorcas hadn’t been able to stop planning every second of every minute when her mom came over, and Regulus had been helping her every step of the way.
Idoya Meadowes was the first adult Regulus ever trusted, which was the closest thing Regulus knew to love, even now. She was the third person she told about the fact that he didn’t think he was a girl after Sirius and Dorcas. She was the first adult he ever told, the first person with a real position of authority over him who had the power to do something bad if she really wanted to. But she didn’t. Instead, she bought him a suitcase full of boy’s clothes, which she made Dorcas bring to boarding school with her and take home to keep safe whenever Regulus had to go to Grimmauld. When Regulus was eighteen and old enough to leave his parents’ house, Dorcas’ mom was the one that pushed him to try out for a scholarship. There were days when he never felt like leaving his bed, but she supported him, not letting him drop out of school just because he couldn’t pay the tuition after his trust fund was taken away. She was the one who fought for Regulus to be allowed to be transferred into the boys’ dorm with Evan and Barty. She was the first adult to ever root for him, unconditionally.
He thought that for Dorcas it was probably the same. Her mom had gotten pregnant at sixteen and the father had run away as soon as he heard the news. Her grandparents loved her - of course they did - but she had never come into the world feeling like she had been wanted. She had to prove her place the moment she was born. But not with Idoya. She loved Dorcas for exactly who she was the moment she laid eyes on her, and it was obvious to anyone even passing by that she absolutely adored her daughter.
At first, Regulus had felt like he was intruding. He knew how much her mom meant to Dorcas, and he felt like he was taking that away from her. One night when they were twelve, he confessed this to her whilst they were up late watching a movie. Dorcas just stared at him for a long while like he was stupid. It was odd to him, then, to realise that a parent’s love didn’t split in half because they had children. It didn’t get used up, either, especially when children failed to meet their standards.
Regulus and Dorcas had been arguing like siblings ever since.
“On the way back, you’re sitting in the backseat.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m going to be driving.”
“But why can’t I drive?” Regulus complained.
Dorcas looked over to him like he had grown two heads.
“Because I want mom to live a long and healthy life.” she replied, slowly.
Regulus rolled his eyes in annoyance as they pulled into the parking lot of the Greyhound bus station. The building was dirty and old, with all its paint faded and inundated by layers of dust. They both got out of the car.
“I wanna get a starbucks.” Dorcas commented as she put on her sunglasses, “We still have twenty minutes until mom’s bus arrives. Plus, she’ll want one when she gets here.”
Regulus made a sound of disgust, “Can’t we go anywhere else? The coffee there sucks.”
“Then get an iced tea like the rest of us.” she scowled, “Mom has been really obsessed with those frappuccino things they just brought out.”
“That’s probably super unhealthy…” Regulus began as he reluctantly started making his way towards the Starbucks across the street behind Dorcas.
“So is coke and yet I saw you do two lines yesterday.” the other girl quipped back, completely done with any of Regulus’ complaints, strutting in front of him, “So how about you shut the fuck up and let me order my starbucks in peace.”
Regulus just flipped her off in response.
The line took way too long for how overpriced and disgusting the coffee was, but Regulus and Dorcas stood in it anyway. At one point, a girl ran up and asked Dorcas for her autograph. Regulus thought that it showed balls of steel because Dorcas looked terrifying waiting in the queue with her sunglasses still on despite being inside.
He would never admit it - mostly because Dorcas would never let him live it down - but the girl was genuinely scary. It had never really affected Regulus much because he had much worse problems to deal with at home, but when they had first met, everyone at school was shit scared of her. She walked through a room with her head held high and a perfectly aimed insult on the tip of her tongue. She was cold, detached, and ready to cut anyone down with a stare if they so chose to speak to her. In short, she was everything Regulus was looking for in a dorm mate. He always liked the mean side of her. It was a sort of mutual understanding between them both that they didn’t care if the other wasn’t a perfect person. Regulus had - and still did - value that; it felt like he was born drowning with the weight of the expectations set upon him, telling him that he should fulfil one role or another. Dorcas didn’t care if Regulus was sometimes careless and petty. She was sometimes careless and petty, too.
By the time they were finished getting the coffee, they had to rush back to the bus station. The inside was teeming with people, rushing in every direction. Every once in a while, rows of faded and dusty seats were littered about, some which looked like they hadn’t been cleaned since the moon landing. All Regulus could smell was sweat and cigarette smoke. He wanted to spend as little time inside as he could.
“Her bus arrived at number 7.” Dorcas informed him as she started looking around for the direction of the stop.
From their right, they heard a bright voice call out.
“Cassie! Reggie!”
Before he knew it, he and Dorcas were both almost bulldozed by a body pulling them into a hug. Regulus just closed his eyes and took in the smell of lavender that Ms Meadowes seemed to carry with her everywhere. They stood like that, all three of them, for a good minute.
“Okay now stand back and let me get a good look at you.”
Like the dutiful children they were, Regulus and Dorcas obliged, taking a few steps backwards, although not without sharing a knowing look.
Idoya Meadowes seemed to have a never-ending source of energy - Dorcas was the same, she could run on three hours of sleep a day if she really wanted to. It was one of his favourite things about the Meadowes’, the fact that they never seemed to tire of him, always ready to listen to whatever he had to tell them. Even now, after a nearly ten hour bus ride, she was completely full of energy. She was wearing her ‘When in doubt, always blame a man’ tee shirt and bootcut jeans, sporting a huge smile. Her hair was short, pulled up in a ponytail so it was out of her face, accentuating her huge, doe-like eyes that crinkled at the sides. It was honestly slightly scary how much Idoya looked like Dorcas.
“Wow, I thought you guys would have grown.” Idoya looked completely disappointed by this fact, “How am I supposed to hug you now and go all ‘you guys are so tall now! You’ve changed so much!’ if you haven’t grown? It’s like my role as a mother has been completely stripped away from me.”
Dorcas rolled her eyes as they both attempted to hold back a smile.
“We’re in our twenties, mom.”
“...And?”
“Let’s get going.” Dorcas smiled as she picked up Idoya’s suitcase and started heading towards the exit of the bus station.
“Is that a frappuccino?” Idoya gasped as she pointed out the cup in Regulus’ hands.
Regulus nodded, “Cas mentioned how you’ve been obsessed with these things lately, so I insisted that we buy you one.”
Dorcas’ offended gasp was interrupted by Ms Meadowes’ streams of compliments as she thanked him. Regulus gave Dorcas a smug smile in response to her artfully mimed decapitation of his head. As they reached the car, the other girl gave him a sharp shove when he tried to get into the driver’s seat, not even bothering to look at him.
“Is Regulus not driving?” Idoya asked as she jumped into the passenger’s seat.
“Nope.” Dorcas replied as she put on her seatbelt.
“What a shame…” she sighed. Dorcas’ look of annoyance at Regulus was met with a smile as he stuck his tongue out smugly.
“I always like the little thrill it gives me. Reminds me that life is short.”
Dorcas didn’t stop laughing until they were out of the car park.
The rest of the car ride was filled with idle chatter as Idoya caught the other two up on her life since they had left the Bay area.
“Did you know Danny from downstairs is moving?”
“Really?” Dorcas baulked, “Thank fuck - I thought he’d never leave.”
“... You know, I’m kind of going to miss him.” Idoya commented idly as she looked out of the car window. When her comment was met with silence, she looked over to the driver’s seat.
Dorcas had moved her sunglasses slightly down on her nose so that she could give her mom a look that was so judgemental that Regulus had to stop himself from laughing out loud.
“Well, he’s always been there!” Idoya tried to explain herself, “He used to play the saxophone all the time when you were a baby-”
“Yeah, because he was so annoyed by my crying that he would engage you in some fucked up sort of noise battle to see who was the loudest.”
“And he dressed like Santa and went around the block giving candy.” her mother continued.
“No, that was Ted from number 19.” Dorcas corrected her, eyes on the road as they swerved to the left.
“No,” Idoya shook her head, “Danny did it one year too.”
“Really?”
“Yep.” Ms Meadowes nodded, smiling like she had just proved her point successfully. “In ‘81.”
“Why didn’t he ever do it again?” Dorcas asked, curious.
“... because he lost his temper at a kid and started screaming at him.”
“Mom!”
They carried on like this for the rest of the car ride with Regulus chiming in every one in a while to offer his opinions on the matter at hand. It was moments like these where he felt most comfortable, where he could finally stop holding his breath and take a step back. Regulus was an observer at heart, so he always seeked out people who were energetic and talkative. He didn’t like it when he felt like he was being scrutinised or depended upon for conversation.
They pulled up in the parking lot of some fast food joint Dorcas had picked. Before Idoya had even fully stepped out of the car, she was being suffocated by a head of platinum blonde hair. Eventually, Pandora let go of the hug, face still plastered with a huge grin. Idoya turned around to look at Evan, who was standing a few steps away with a shy smile. Being around Ms Meadowes was one of the few moments that reduced him from someone who did whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted to someone mildly close to self-conscious. The older woman spread her arms out silently, to which Evan gratefully accepted a hug.
Barty smiled at Regulus as he moved to stand next to him, “Why am I the only one who knows how to act normally around this woman?”
“Probably because you’re the only one here other than Dorcas with a loving mother.” Regulus drawled.
“Now why does that sound like an insult when you say it?”
Regulus just smiled back, “Everything I say to you is an insult, Crouch.”
The other boy grinned madly in response, turning his head when realising it was his turn to greet Dorcas’ mom.
He opened his arms widely and smiled, “How is it that every time I see you, you end up looking better and better? It’s like a feat of nature.”
“Oh, hush.” Idoya waved her hand in feigned humility, a childish smile on her face as she hugged the other boy.
Pandora struck up a conversation with Dorcas’ mom, explaining the historical significance of witchcraft in the area they were currently in as they all made their way inside the restaurant. Regulus tuned out the conversation as he looked around for a free table that could fit all of them. Everything was painted white and red, diner-style. He spotted an empty booth in the corner and signalled to the others so that they could all make their way over to it.
“So what’s the plan for today?” Idoya asked the table after they had ordered their meal.
“Well,” Dorcas began, “From three to three-forty-five we’re eating here at this diner. Then we’re all going to Lily’s to drop off your stuff. Then we should start getting ready so we can leave at like seven-thirty.”
“I’m excited to go to my first LA party.” Idoya smiled, eyes twinkling, “I’ve been meaning to ask, what’s the dress code?”
It was Barty who answered, “Marlene said it was a casual type thing. Like, no jeans but also no suit, you know?”
“So, typical family-event-chic?” she clarified.
“Yep. Apparently Marlene’s ordered us all a limo.”
“Oh, cool!” Idoya replied as she got up to go to the bathroom.
“How do you know all of this?” Dorcas asked, disbelievingly. Regulus tried not to smile at the hint of jealousy he detected in her voice.
“She told me.” the other boy supplied, shrugging. He was trying his best to be nonchalant, but Regulus could tell he was trying to wind Dorcas up, “That a problem?”
“Of course not.” Dorcas rolled her eyes, clearly wanting an end to the topic of conversation
Unfortunately, if there was one thing Barty was good at, it was winding people up. It was actually a group talent, to tell the truth. They were all quite naturally gifted at the art of being annoying.
“Because I don’t want you to feel threatened or anything.” Barty continued.
Dorcas scoffed, “The day I feel threatened by a rat-looking boy with a significantly above average likelihood of developing multiple forms of insanity is the day I jump off a bridge, Bartemius.”
Barty paused for a few seconds, before responding in a soothing voice, like he was trying to talk to a child, “I’m going to allow that because I know you lash out when you feel vulnerable as a side-effect of being abandoned as a child by your father. I’m not out for your girl, okay?”
“I didn’t even-”
Dorcas was interrupted by a curious voice as Idoya got back from the bathroom, “Your girl?” she repeated.
From across the table, Regulus caught Pandora’s eye. She was smiling gleefully, completely hooked on the conversation as if it were a TV show, sipping on her glass of Coke.
“She’s not my girl,” Dorcas insisted, “We’re not even friends.”
“ ‘not friends’ my ass.” Barty quipped, “You can’t go longer than ten seconds without speaking to each other.”
“Because she bugs me so much!” Dorcas huffed out. She looked around at a table of unsympathetic faces, and then sunk back into her seat, accepting her fate.
“So you were saying?” Idoya prompted the other boy to continue, completely ignoring her daughter’s glare.
Barty was all too happy to continue, a manic grin on his face “Her name’s Marlene Mckinnon. The other day, Dorcas made her breakfast.”
“Well don’t put it like that.” The girl in question butt in, not able to stay silent for longer than five seconds, “I made a coffee pot big enough for her to also have some because she happens to like it as strong as I do.”
“Wait, she likes her coffee as disgustingly strong as you do?” Evan asked, mildly horrified. In response, Dorcas shrugged her shoulders.
“Soulmates.” Pandora smiled, mischief in her eyes.
“Okay, let’s not be dramatic…” Dorcas began.
“Look, all I’m saying is that I give you two weeks before you’re together.” Pandora stated, matter-of-fact.
“Are you willing to bet on that?”
Pandora’s eyes lit up.
“Yes.”
Before they could continue any further, Regulus interrupted, “You do have to admit that from the outside it looks like you’re a bit obsessed with her.”
“Well I’m not.” Dorcas shot back.
Regulus raised an eyebrow, unimpressed, but decided not to press it further. Besides, he was certain Dorcas at least suspected Regulus’ feelings towards James - they could read each other so well. She hadn’t said anything to him yet, so he thought he might return the favour.
“Okay, let’s take the spotlight off her for a second,” Idoya conceded, sipping on the strawberry milkshake she had ordered, “How are everyone else’s love lives?”
There was a collected noncommittal shrug.
“And you two? How’s it going?” She asked Barty and Evan, who both smiled vaguely, avoiding eye contact with everyone. Regulus, with his eternal supply of patience today for some reason, decided to also let that be.
“And you, Pandora?”
“I’m taking a vow of celibacy for the next month.” she let out glumly around a mouthful of fries.
“Ah,” Idoya mirrored Pandora’s mood, “Been there, done that. Although mine started when I found out I was pregnant at sixteen and lasted a lot longer than a month.”
Around 3:45 - just like Dorcas had said - everyone had finished eating and got up from the table. They split off in half as Barty and Evan went into Evan’s small, two-seater car and the rest went off to Dorcas’. Evan’s car was a pile of junk with a remarkably well-functioning engine. It just appeared one day and no one asked where he got it - better not to be an accessory to the crime, Regulus thought.
They were all going to Lily’s to get ready, since she had let them all stay over at her house for the week. They pulled up into the driveway after an ungodly amount of traffic - as always seemed to be the case in LA. Regulus desperately missed San Francisco and its walkability.
Lily’s house was huge, but not tacky like most of the massive LA houses seemed to be. It was completely surrounded by greenery, with ivy and bright pink bougainvillaea climbing up the sides of the house. Lily had given Dorcas the key, since she was getting ready at Marlene and Mary’s with them. Naturally, this meant that they were all free to snoop around as soon as they got inside.
After a general inspection of the house, Regulus concluded that the inside was even prettier than the outside, reliant on natural lighting and littered with plants. If Regulus had to stay in one of the Hills mansions, he was glad it was this one - no offence to James and Peter. Their house was very… them.
Regulus had obviously known what he was going to wear as soon as he had been invited, and so it took him less than half an hour to go through his skincare routine and get dressed. He was sitting on one of the sun loungers on the balcony, observing the sun set over the infinity pool as it reflected the pinks and oranges of the sky. The balcony hung high over the hill, so that Regulus could see everything that stretched for miles. Regulus liked the serenity of the scene, the complete stillness of it. He looked out, listening intently to the portable radio he had positioned on the plastic table next to him.
“You look handsome.” the warm voice of Idoya Meadowes interrupted Regulus’ thoughts. He looked up to see her smiling as she sat down on the sun lounger next to him. She was wearing a dark blue dress and a jangling mess of silver jewellery.
“Now tell me I look nice, too.” she instructed with a dramatic glare.
“You look nice too.” Regulus smiled, and he meant it.
They sat in silence for a while, both looking at the view in front of them, the only sound coming from the radio as two presenters discussed the recent news.
“That Monica Lewinsky thing is crazy.” Idoya commented. Regulus hummed in agreement, “Although I don’t know why everyone’s so surprised. Presidents have been cheating since the beginning of time. It’s the only thing they’re good at, besides being scummy.”
Regulus laughed a little at that.
“Listen,” Idoya carried on, in a much less forceful tone than before, “What’s the Mckinnon girl like?”
Regulus turned to her, raising an eyebrow. At this, Idoya chuckled - a lovely, gleeful sound.
“I just want to know! I want assurance that she’s - you know - not like the papers say she is.” She looked at Regulus with a note of concern in her voice, “I just don’t want Dorcas getting hurt,”
Regulus understood. If he had only the tabloids to go by, he would probably be at least slightly worried. If not for the scandal Marlene always seemed to be in, than for the huge heartbreaker they painted her as, hopping from woman to woman and leaving them broken in her trail. The problem was, Regulus didn’t really know to what extent this wasn’t true. Marlene did have issues, if the drunken studio recording was anything to go by, and it was perfectly probable that they affected her romantic relationships.
Still, despite popular belief, Regulus sometimes let himself be an optimist.
“She’s nice - sparky, like Cas.” he smiled.
“Yeah?”
“I wasn’t surprised when they didn’t get along at first, although I completely was when they started spending more and more time together. I don’t know why, though, in retrospect. They oddly - fit. They balance each other out, but are also so obnoxiously similar in ways. It’s hilarious and painful to witness them be so oblivious about it.”
Satisfied with the answer, Idoya curled up onto her side, facing Regulus, a gleam in her eyes.
“And what’s it like? Hanging out with a band you have looked up to since seventeen.”
Regulus couldn’t help the smile that creeped onto his face, although he certainly tried to. The Meadowes’ had a talent for melting his defences until he was just an excitable child, “It’s so fucking cool.”
In response, Idoya’s grin grew bigger, etching smile lines into her face, “Yeah?”
“Yeah.”
A silence followed, and as Regulus’ brain seemed to do most times there was a silence, his mind wandered to thoughts of James Potter. He tried to shove down that warm feeling in his chest that came whenever he thought about the other boy. Regulus swore that he almost started drooling when he first saw James in his boxers that day at the Whiskey. And the way his face lit up that day they went to his house to watch Steel Magnolias? Regulus was surprised he didn’t have a full-blown panic attack. Honestly, James was making him rethink a lot of things because he had never found empathy to be such a big turn on until he saw the little crease mark that formed in between James’ eyebrows when he got upset.
“And Sirius?”
Wow, what a way to kill the mood Regulus thought, although of course he didn’t say it.
“It’s… complicated.” He looked up at her, “We still haven’t really talked.”
“About anything?” she asked in disbelief.
“Yeah.” Regulus sighed, “We try to avoid each other when we can because we can’t act normally until we’ve broken the ice and there never seems to be a right time to open up the conversation.”
They just smiled awkwardly at each other or held the door open for the other person when they’re passing by - polite, normal stuff. Regulus didn’t know if it was because Sirius was also scared to open up the can of worms or because he simply didn’t want to. It would make sense, he thought, if Sirius just wanted to forget Regulus, to pretend all of it never existed. It would be hard but Regulus could live with that. For Sirius, he’d try to.
Like she was reading his mind, Idoya said, “He’s letting you use his studio for free, right? That means he wants you around.”
Or maybe he feels obligated to, Regulus thought.
“I mean, I don’t know Sirius very well, but from what I see in the papers he doesn’t strike me as anyone who would do anything just because he was obligated to.” Idoya replied pensively.
Regulus looked at her, slightly startled, “I’d forgotten how freakishly good you were at mind-reading my thoughts.”
The other woman grinned smugly, “I know. Mother’s intuition.”
Regulus smiled.
Seven-thirty rolled around and most people were dressed and had made their way downstairs. Idoya and Regulus had moved inside to join a game of monopoly which he was currently winning. He had decided halfway through to target Pandora in particular, who was about ready to murder him when he threw her in jail for the seventh time. The doorbell rang, and so to avoid the wrath of the other girl Regulus offered to get it.
He opened the door to see a sleek, black limo parked in the driveway and a smiling Marlene Mckinnon in front of him.
“You guys ready?”
“Yep.”
“Cool.” she started fidgeting slightly with her hands as Regulus called the others to start leaving the house, “Introduce me to Dorcas’ mom?”
“Sure.” was all Regulus replied.
He looked at her with a smile that told her he was enjoying her discomfort. Sure, he was rooting for them, but that didn’t mean that he wasn’t allowed to torment the girl that could potentially break Cas’ heart.
Marlene did look stunning in a deep purple strappy dress which hugged her body and flared out just below the knees, sort of like a tango dress, even Regulus had to admit that, but the way in which Dorcas went brain dead after seeing her was a bit excessive, in his opinion. Idoya had to lightly push her out of the way in order to get through the door, after which Regulus did his introduction. Marlene and Idoya walked together towards the limo, leaving Barty, Dorcas and Regulus behind to lock the door.
“Hello?” Barty asked after it had been quiet between them for a while, “Meadowes, are you with us? Did the pretty girl make you self-combust?”
Dorcas shoved him in response, “One more word and I’ll murder you in your sleep, Crouch.”
She walked off in front of them, determined. Regulus and Barty shared a knowing look before following her into the limo.
The space inside the limo was crammed as it was, two more bodies doing nothing to help. Everyone was there - including the publicist and the agent, whose names Regulus didn’t remember.
Lily was barking out orders, figuring out where everyone should go, “Okay… Barty, there’s space in between Evan and Mary where you could squeeze in. And Regulus…”
She started looking around the limo for a spare place to fit him in.
“There’s space next to the door here if he’s willing to be a bit cramped in.” James called out, motioning to a space of about one atom thick right next to him.
“Okay, that works.” Lily replied.
Regulus rolled his eyes as he made his way towards the seat, trying to ignore the smug grin on James’ face.
“I’m going to kill you for this later.” he muttered under his breath as he practically sat down on James’ lap. He tried to ignore the way in which the other boy’s laugh tickled the back of his neck.
He caught Dorcas’ eye, who was in a laughably similar situation as him, as Marlene leant over her slightly in order to continue her conversation with Idoya. He had to stop himself from laughing. Once upon a time they intimidated people just with their presence, and now here they were reduced to blushing teenagers.
Next to him, Remus started engaging him in conversation, which became increasingly hard as James placed a hand on the curve of his back. Just a hand was all he needed to practically turn his brain into mush. He tried to keep up with the conversation - it was something about guitars? - but Regulus was really struggling because he was just so distracted. James started picking up slack in the conversation with complete ease, which in turn just annoyed Regulus because how dare he not be struggling right now. How dare he reduce Regulus’ brainpower to that of a goldfish and simply carry on, unbothered.
Call it his competitive side, but Regulus wasn’t going to let himself be bested. He decided to move around a little on James’ lap, just enough that it looked to everyone else like he was simply getting into a more comfortable position, but also enough that he could hear James’ breath hitch. The hand placed on Regulus’ back turned into a light grip, and Regulus had to hide his smug smile.
Marlene’s voice cut through the limo and all the various conversations, “Okay, so I’m just quickly going to run through the names of a few of my family members for tonight so that you guys aren’t completely in the dark when you walk in there. The party is for my brother Charleton - you can call him Charlie - he’s turning 30. And then, in age order, my brothers are: Errol, James, Charlie, Tony, then there’s me, and then my brother Laurence.”
She listed off the names on her fingers as she went through them.
“And before anyone says ‘that’s such an interesting mix of names why did your mom choose them? Why aren’t any of them Spanish?’ I’ll give you the answer. My mom was really ill when she was younger for a period in her life and all she would do is watch old movies, they’re her absolute favourite, so we’re all named after her favourite actors.”
She delivered the whole speech like she had been repeating the same thing her entire life. Regulus understood the burden of weird family names, although he thought Marlene got off quite easily because ‘Charleton’? Poor guy. No wonder he went by Charlie.
Regulus had gotten a lot of questions about his name, especially after he had changed his name. People were always confused as to why he had stuck with the star theme, but to him it had always been quite simple. Yes, it connected him to his parents, but it also connected him with Sirius, with Andromeda and Alphard and every family member who had escaped. Sometimes, Regulus thought it was the only thing that connected him to his brother, the only thing they had in common.
He could have kept his deadname if he really wanted to - it could have passed for a boy’s name. But it had always bothered Regulus that he was named after one of the four stars in Orion. He didn’t want to be even symbolically trapped by his father. When he was younger, he would sneak out to the observatory at the top of the house - one of the few times he broke the rules - and make a birthday wish upon a star. He always wished on the brightest star in Leo because it was always visible in May. It became his in a way; his little constellation, always looking out for him.
He looked over at Sirius, who was already looking at him. For a moment, they shared a knowing look, almost like the telepathic conversations they used to have as children. They were both thinking about their own strange family names.
Idoya’s voice brought Regulus out of his thoughts once again, “So ‘Marlene’ is…”
“Marlene Dietrich.” the girl in question confirmed.
Idoya smiled, “I think I’m going to like your mom.”
Marlene laughed - a loud, disbelieving laugh - before realising that no one else was in on the joke.
“Sorry,” she scrambled hastily, “I just - yeah, you may like my mom. She’s… unique, that’s for sure.”
Soon after that the limo drew to a stop. Everyone spilled out, and Regulus was suddenly painfully aware of the fact that James wasn’t next to him.
“Comfy ride, huh?” Barty grinned as he walked over to Regulus. The other boy ignored him.
In front of them stood a large restaurant that had been reserved for the night. The party spilled over into the garden out front, so that the door was open and people were milling about, dancing to the music or simply catching up with each other. Balloons were tied to every available surface, along with streamers and banners.
“Hey, Jacobo, how’s this for a ride?” Marlene shouted at a little boy who was making his way inside. He must have been around eight years old.
Jacobo looked around at all of them suspiciously, “That tiny limo for this many people? Did you all even fit?”
“Yes we fit.” Marlene replied, defensively, “Now do you believe me?”
“I don’t know… if you were actually rich you would have definitely gotten a bigger limo…”
“You little shit-” Marlene began, taking a step forward before being pulled back by Peter. The boy just stuck his tongue out and ran back inside.
“Did you actually rent a limo just to get back at some eight year old?” Peter asked, disbelievingly.
“You don’t understand,” Marlene began, a completely serious expression on her face as she began to walk inside, “My cousin Jacobo is a little turd who needs to be put in his place. He thinks I’m lying about being a musician because he’s never seen me on TV - but he only watches kiddie TV! What am I supposed to do, play a gig on Nickelodeon?”
“Makes total sense.” Dorcas replied, a small smile forming on her face, “You can’t let him slander your reputation like that.”
“Exactly!” Marlene looked at Peter smugly, “Meadowes gets it.”
Peter just looked between the both of them like they were crazy.
They were entering the restaurant, but before Regulus could take another step inside, he felt a hand grab onto his arm and pull him into a passageway.
As soon as Regulus registered who it was, he was letting himself be pushed into the wall behind him, one hand going up the side of his torso, the hot feeling of someone else’s mouth on his.
“Fuck… that limo ride was torture.”
Regulus hummed in agreement, way too absorbed in his task of licking his way down James’ neck to really care too much about what he was saying. God, Regulus wanted to bite him.
“Like… literal torture.” James let out between breaths that became increasingly heavy as Regulus gave into the urge and took a bit of his skin between his teeth.
“Fuck… now everyone’s gonna be asking questions when they see the mark.”
“Oh?” Regulus replied as he made his way back up to James’ mouth and cupped his chin, letting his lips just lightly ghost over the other boy’s, “Want to stop?”
James didn’t seem to be able to formulate words at the moment, so he simply shook his head. And just like that, they were back to what they were doing before.
A few minutes later, Regulus was pulling them apart, “We can’t be gone too long.”
“Why?” James whined still peppering Regulus’ face with small kisses. Regulus tried to ignore the way his heart began to do flips, genuinely beginning to hurt in his chest.
“Because Sirius can’t know yet.” Regulus replied. At this, James stopped, instead dropping his head onto the other boy’s shoulders. They had already had this conversation before.
Regulus was waiting until things were at least okay between him and Sirius before even mentioning what he was doing with the man’s best friend. Well, partly. He was also waiting to see if James would get bored.
With a deep breath, the other boy lifted his head from Regulus’ shoulder and took a step back, his pupils blown wide. His hair was a complete mess - in a very slutty way, if Regulus was being honest. In a much too slutty way. Like, if Regulus didn’t run his hands through it he was sure he would self-destruct.
An almost pained whimper came from the boy in front of him, “Don’t look at me like that…”
“Like what?” Regulus asked coyly, already leaning closer. He loved that he seemed to be able to drive James mental, the power was addictive.
From their left, someone cleared their voice. Immediately, Regulus sprung back, away from James. Thankfully he at least had enough sense to balance out James’ stupidity, who simply turned his head, not moving at all from the position he was in before.
In front of them was a boy with a head of curly black hair who must have been a few years younger than them. He had kind, wide eyes and a permanent half-smile. His skin was dotted with freckles, along with silver scars similar to Remus’. He looked a little sheepish, but mainly he just seemed to be entertained by what was in front of him.
“You know, normally I would just walk past, but, uh, the passageway is quite narrow…”
Beside him, James cracked a smile, voice booming “Laurie! Haven’t seen you in forever, dude!”
The other boy’s smile looked more genuine, running through his whole face up to his eyes.
“Yeah, been away. Hey, have you seen Marley?”
“We all came in a few minutes ago, so she must be somewhere out there.”
Laurie nodded with a smile, “Cool.”
“Hey,” James began, tone a bit quieter, “Could you perhaps not tell anyone about what you just saw?”
The other boy nodded again, putting his hands in his pockets, “My lips are sealed. Not being able to keep secrets is not a Mckinnon family trait, I swear, just a Marlene one.”
“Thanks.” James smiled goodnaturedly.
Without any further pleasantries, the boy pushed past them, making his way towards the main room.
“Who’s that?” he asked James.
The other boy turned to him, scandalised, “Don’t tell me you weren’t listening to Marlene’s family rundown in the limo!”
“I was a bit busy being distracted-”
“That’s no excuse.” the other boy looked at him solemnly, “He’s Marlene’s younger brother.”
“… we should probably join him. In the main restaurant, I mean. Before people start to wonder where we’ve gotten to.” Regulus started half-heartedly.
James looked at him pleadingly, hands already slipping back to Regulus’ waist “Do we have to?”
With an inhumane-like effort, Regulus stood up straight, looking at the other boy sternly. “Yes.”
“But-”
To prevent any further possibility for distraction, Regulus grabbed James’ hand and started walking away, dragging the other boy behind him when he refused to move.
From behind him, James called out dramatically, “But how should I look at you throughout the night and not want to ravish you, fair gentleman?”
“Wear a blindfold.” Regulus replied sarcastically, trying not to smile.
“But then I won’t be able to see you at all - a fate worse than death!”
“Woe is me.” Regulus deadpanned.
The other boy laughed and, oh, how Regulus loved that sound. If he could bottle it up and keep it with him, he would. God, he really, utterly, stupidly liked this boy.
Regulus let go of his hand as they entered the main room of the restaurant. It was completely crowded, bustling with people and with noise. Every spare inch of wall was covered in banners or colourful streamers. Behind him, James went off in the direction of Sirius, Lily, Pandora and Idoya. Regulus scanned the room for his friends. He started walking towards the first group he spotted: Dorcas, Evan, Barty, Remus, Marlene and Laurie.
“Hey, where did you go off to?” Barty asked with an eyebrow raised.
“Bathroom.”
“Well, we’re currently trying to come up with ways to emotionally scar an eight year old boy.” Remus informed him.
Regulus lifted an eyebrow. No one in the group said anything to refute the claim.
“What?” Marlene shrugged, “I’m not going to deny it. Jacobo deserves it.”
“Marley? Laurie?” a booming voice behind them called out.
Regulus turned around to see a man with tanned skin and a large smile. He was classically handsome, with a chiselled jaw and symmetrical dimples.
The only sound Marlene made was a high-pitched squeal before she bounced over to the guy, catching him in a hug. The other man spun her around, before turning to Laurie and giving him two thumbs up which were happily returned.
“Guys, this is Charlie.” Marlene turned around and smiled at them. There was a chorus of greetings from the group.
Looking at both of them now, Regulus didn’t know how the family resemblance hadn’t struck him immediately. All three siblings had the same large, bright eyes, the same dimples, the same smile. There was a resemblance in their nose, also, in the way it sloped down neatly and smoothly.
“Charlie” the girl carried on, “You know Remus, and this is Barty, Evan-”
The boy waved his hand in dismissal, “No need for introductions. I know who you guys are, you’re in the papers as much as Gryffindor Tower.”
Marlene gasped, shocked, “You take that back!”
“What? It’s true! You don’t have to freak out just because you’re not the centre of attention.”
“Be careful when you take away her spotlight, remember what happened in the Summer of ‘83.” Laurie jumped in, sipping on his drink with mirth in his eyes as Marlene glared at him.
“How could I forget?” Charlie smiled
“What happened?” Barty asked, eagerly.
“She tried to drown herself in the pool because she wasn’t getting enough attention at her friend Amelia’s birthday party.” Charlie explained.
Marlene opened her mouth to explain herself, but before she could Laurie was adding another story, “Hey, do you guys remember that time she signed her girlfriend up to daily visits from the church of Scientology because she forgot to go to her graduation?”
“Oh I remember that!” Remus grinned at Marlene.
“What was the girl’s name?” Charlie snapped his fingers.
“Rosie?” Laurie suggested, “Rosetta?”
“Roslyn!” Remus called out triumphantly.
Beside Marlene, Dorcas laughed into her hand. The other girl took notice, turning to her with a scandalised look on her face. The force of it was lessened by the smile he could see creeping onto Marlene’s face.
“You know what? How about I find Idoya and we can hear some of your embarrassing stories?"
Dorcas sobered up instantly, “Please no.”
“Besides,” Regulus spoke up, “We have enough embarrassing stories of Dorcas between the three of us.”
He gestured to himself, Evan and Barty.
“Let’s just keep Lily far away from here so she can’t tell mine and I’m here for that plan.” Remus nodded.
“Please,” Marlene rolled her eyes, “watching you pine for Sirius for three years has given me enough material.”
Before anyone could say anything else, Marlene’s smile vanished.
“Happy Birthday Charlie.”
Regulus turned around to see a man who looked quite similar to Charlie, but a few years younger. There was more of a squareness to his jaw, though.
“Hey, Tony.” Charlie smiled goodnaturedly, although there was a tightness in his expression that hadn’t been there before.
“Marlene. Laurie.” he greeted curtly.
“Hello.” Laurie smiled politely, although his heart clearly wasn’t in it; it was nothing like the way he had greeted Charlie before. Marlene didn’t even bother to reply.
“What, no manners?” The man looked at her, eyebrows raised.
At this Marlene finally smiled at him, eyes sharp as daggers, “I guess mommy and daddy didn’t teach me any, they were probably too busy wiping your ass with golden toilet paper.”
“Marlene-” Charlie sighed, but was interrupted by Tony.
“No, it’s okay Charlie,” Tony replied grandly, making a big show of his calm demeanour, “I know that to talk to Marlene is to expect a drama show. Still, I had hoped you had matured a little since I last saw you instead of throwing these tantrums.”
Laurie stepped forward a little. So did Remus. It wasn’t anything menacing, but just to stand beside Marlene. It was probably subconscious, but Regulus noticed it.
“Vete a la mierda, Tony. No one wants you here.” Marlene glared.
“Well, at least I’m not the only one not wanted here.” Tony smiled menacingly, “Have you noticed that neither mom or dad have come to say hello to you?”
Charlie winced and Laurie looked down like he wanted the ground to swallow him whole.
Marlene just rolled her eyes, “Boo hoo, the two assholes don’t like me. Believe me, I’ve dealt with worse.”
“Whatever you say…” was all Tony replied as he turned around with a smirk and walked away. Marlene just glared at the spot where he left, breaths becoming heavier and more frequent.
“That must have been so awkward for you guys, sorry.” she apologised. Regulus knew that neither Evan, Barty or Dorcas cared about that sort of stuff, they had all had to deal with each other’s messy homelives from a very young age. “Fuck, I love this song.” she mentioned offhandedly as the music changed.
“Then let’s dance.” Dorcas blurted out. Regulus caught Evan’s eyes and could tell he was trying to hold back a laugh.
“What?” Marlene was brought out of her thoughts, blinking. She looked at the other girl abruptly.
“Let’s dance.” she repeated.
“Yeah, okay.” the other girl nodded, “I love dancing.”
She just kept nodding in a stupor as Dorcas grabbed her hand and started making her way to the dancefloor in the centre of the room.
Regulus looked around as the rest of the group continued talking, trying to figure out where all his friends were. He accidentally locked eyes with Peter, who threw him a smile. Regulus had to fight hard not to blush at that - despite his friends’ exaggeration, it was true that Regulus had worshipped him for most of high school. Next to Peter were Sirius and James, who were trying to get him to dance. Peter kept shaking his head with a smile, but the two boys weren’t backing down.
Regulus got the same feeling in the pit of his stomach that he always did when he saw Sirius happy, his eyes bright and his smile wide. God, he needed a cigarette.
He smiled at the group and left without another word. In the corner of the room, he saw a wooden door which he made his way to, pushing it open to find some ceramic steps that led out into the garden. It was quiet, which Regulus was grateful for as he sat down on the cool tiles.
He so desperately wanted to speak to Sirius, but he didn’t know what to say. Were they still family? How could someone fix a broken family? How does that work?
Because what even was a family? Idoya and Dorcas were his family, in every way that mattered. Idoya was the closest thing he had ever had to a parent. They had brought him into their home, into their small temple where family tragedies didn’t get recycled onto the next generation for all of eternity. One where Idoya’s fractured relationship with her parents just made her work harder on her relationship with her daughter. One where Dorcas always made sure to set a spot at the dinner table for him, even though he rarely managed to leave Grimmauld place, but just in case. One where things could be fixed.
But Regulus couldn’t just pretend that the Black family didn’t exist just because he didn’t like them, not when he still felt their effects, not when every way he acted now was because of them. And what about Sirius? He was still his brother, and Regulus would never give up the Black family name if it meant losing that connection. Was it twisted, in a way, that Regulus was grateful they at least had that? A shared last name, a shared experience, even when they were so distant.
Regulus was pulled out of his thoughts by the sound of the door behind him opening and closing.
“You alright?” a warm voice greeted him as Marlene Mckinnon plopped down on the step next to him. Her accent had become more noticeable over the night, which Regulus thought was endearing.
“Just thinking.”
“Scary stuff.”
Regulus huffed a laugh at that, and a comfortable silence came over the pair.
Predictably, it was broken by Marlene, “You gonna have that?”
She signalled towards the unlit cigarette in his hand, which he had honestly forgotten was there. He fumbled around his pockets for the lighter, offering it along with the pack to Marlene after he had lit his. She declined, instead pulling out her own pack from her bra.
“Sorry again about earlier,” the other girl began, lighting her cigarette, “My family is just… well… complicated.”
Regulus didn’t really know how to respond, so he didn’t. Most times when people said ‘complicated’ they didn’t mean it in the ‘my family abused me’ way, so Regulus’ perspective wasn’t very helpful.
But Marlene didn’t mind the silence, instead taking a puff of her cigarette as she looked forward into the garden and carried on, “Tony was the youngest for about six years before I came along. I think he always resented me for it - he liked being the youngest child. I took it away from him.”
“But that’s not your fault.” Regulus protested. He was a paragon of self-blame and yet even he knew that was a bit too far.
“No, it isn’t.” Marlene agreed with a humourless laugh, “It’s just my theory to explain the fact that he’s always been such a dick. It’s better than the alternative.”
“Which is?”
The other girl took a deep breath, “That he’s right and justified in disliking me. That I’m dramatic and attention-seeking. That I always cause a scene.”
Before Regulus could even open his mouth, the other girl beat him to it, “It’s okay. I don’t need you to tell me that I’m not those things.”
Regulus understood. Some things were entrenched so deep that a few words from a friend wouldn’t really do anything.
Regulus felt oddly comfortable with Marlene, and so he took a drag of his cigarette and continued, wanting to make conversation, “Do you get on with your other siblings?”
“Yes and no. It’s, well, it’s -”
“Complicated.” Regulus filled in.
“Yeah.” Marlene smiled gratefully, a little sadly too, “Our parents kind of had us in pairs, so James and Errol were teenagers by the time I was born. We get along well, but it’s more like they’re close cousins, you know? Charlie’s great - he always looked after us because mom and dad worked a lot. And Laurie… is Laurie. He’s one of my best friends. I talk to him almost every day.”
“So why are you out here?” the other girl questioned.
“Don’t really want to talk about it.”
“What a change - you’re normally so talkative.” Marlene teased goodnaturedly, bumping their shoulders together, “So you want a distraction then?”
Regulus lifted an eyebrow in silent question.
“Not like that!” Marlene shoved him lightly, “I just mean in terms of conversation topic - which I can do.”
She looked forward in concentration as Regulus finished his cigarette lazily, waiting for her to continue.
“Okay I’ve got it!” she looked back at Regulus excitedly, “What do you think would happen if we were both put in a zombie apocalypse?”
“Like, just us?”
“Yeah.”
Regulus took a few seconds to think, “Well, I feel like I’d be the brains and you’d be the brawn.”
Marlene gasped in mock-offence, “Well I think I’d be both the brains and the brawn, and you’d be my pretty boy-toy to lure zombies into my traps with. Like Daphne from Scooby Doo.”
“Why wouldn’t I be the brains?”
“Because I’m more qualified.” Marlene replied with a silent ‘duh’ at the end.
“How?”
“I watched the Michael Jackson Thriller video obsessively as a kid.”
“How would that help you?” Regulus replied, dumbfounded.
Marlene rolled her eyes in frustration, “Well why would you be the brains?”
“Because I went to one of the most prestigious schools in the country.” Regulus supplied, the answer obvious.
Marlene patted him on the head in the way you would a child, “And I’m sure you’re very good at trigonometry but only one of us here knows how to start a fire from scratch and it isn’t the snobby rich kid.”
“How do you know how to do that?” Regulus asked, curious.
Marlene just shrugged, taking another cigarette from her pack, “James and I got bored once.”
“Wow,” Regulus deadpanned, “What a demonstration of the impressive brainpower I want in charge of my survival.”
Marlene laughed loudly at that, “You know, you’re sarcastic enough that if I wasn’t a lesbian you would totally be my type.”
The laugh that escaped Regulus came just after he inhaled some smoke from his cigarette, so that he was left spurting, a fiery feeling in the back of his throat and chest.
When he had recovered, he looked back at the other girl, “You know what? If I wasn’t gay, you would probably be mine.”
Marlene’s face lit up delightedly at this.
Both of them turned around as they heard the door opening again, Laurie appearing in the doorway.
“There you are.” he sighed in relief, “What have you been doing?”
“Debating whether the Beatles actually were bigger than Jesus.” Marlene replied instantly.
“Forget I asked.” the younger brother sighed with a small smile as he sat down on the grass in front of them.
“Why are you here?”
“Got sick of mom’s questions.”
Marlene sighed in a way that clearly revealed the pained expression she was trying to hold back. In the background, the song changed. Loud trumpets and fanfare could be heard, along with a lot of people cheering.
Marlene grinned widely, looking at her brother in front of her who rolled his eyes. The other girl just leaned closer, singing the lyrics as she went along, trying to encourage Laurie to do the same.
“Yo sè bien que estoy afuera
Pero el día que yo me muera
Sè que tendràs que llorar…”
From inside, Regulus could hear a bunch of voices singing exaggeratedly, “llorar y llorar, llorar y llorar”
“C’mon, sing it!” Marlene chastised him jokingly. The other boy was clearly not in the mood, there was something about the way he sat that indicated pure exhaustion.
Marlene kept singing.
“Una piedra en el camino
Me enseñó que mi destino
Era rodar y rodar”
She looked at the other boy expectantly, a huge grin on her face. Laurie’s expression remained neutral, until it slowly cracked and he couldn’t help the smile that etched its way onto his face.
“ rodar y rodar, rodar y rodar,”
They both sang it, swinging from side to side as Laurie rolled his eyes but smiled anyway.
It reminded Regulus of the way Sirius used to act with him, always trying to get his stoic younger brother to crack a smile, making as many jokes as possible.
Both Mckinnon siblings sang the next chorus at the top of their lungs, albeit Laurie more reluctantly and Marlene with a lot more drama and flair.
“Con dinero y sin dinero
Yo hago siempre lo que quiero
Y mi palabra es la ley
No tengo trono ni reina
Ni nadie que me comprenda
Pero sigo siendo el rey”
Regulus looked at them both as they grinned at each other, a small stabbing pain in his chest.