supernova
Dorcas was using the landline in the common room, cup of coffee in hand, trying to argue futilely with the most stubborn and childish person she knew.
“Mom, can you stop singing over me for one second?” she almost yelled.
“I’m only doing it because you keep bringing up the hotel thing.”
“Because you shouldn’t have to pay for your own hotel! I’m more than happy to do it myself -”
She was interrupted by the sound of her mom continuing her rendition of My Girl over the phone. For the past few days, all Dorcas had been able to think about was her mom’s trip to LA. Each day passed and the list of things to do kept growing in size. It was just that the city was so big, and Dorcas wanted to show her everything. She needed to strike the perfect balance between the typical LA experience and the more niche things she knew her mom, specifically, would enjoy.
“I’ve got sunshine, on a cloudy day…”
The only problem was that their apartment could barely fit them as a band, let alone another person.
“Mom.” her voice was firm.
On the other end, she finally stopped singing, “Look, I applaud your stubbornness - I like to think you get that from me - but I’m just going to have to put my foot down on this.”
“But-”
“Foot. Down.”
Dorcas rolled her eyes. Opposite her on the couch, Pandora was looking up from her book with an amused smile. Why Dorcas chose to surround herself with people who constantly enjoyed watching her suffer, she didn’t know.
“At least let me make the reservation?” Dorcas bargained, “I’ll ask around for good hotels.”
“Good call,” her mom replied, with a self-satisfied hum, “Just make sure it’s not too expensive - I’m not made of money, sweetheart.”
Dorcas made a sort of screaming sound in frustration.
“I’m kidding!” her mom laughed.
“Jokes are supposed to be funny.”
“I’m going to let that slide because I know you’re upset.” she replied in the way you would to a child.
Instead of replying, Dorcas hung up the call. She’d probably get an offended monologue about the cruelty of children hanging up on their single mothers next time they talked, but Dorcas was willing to take that chance.
“You know,” a voice came from her right - James had come into the room at some point during their phone call, “Your mom can always stay with Pete and I.”
“Or,” Lily, who had also come in, interjected, “If you don’t want your mom to stay over at a place where she could be woken up at six in the morning by the sound of blaring electronic music, then she can stay with me.”
“That was one time!”
“It was enough to scar me for life.” Lily countered, looking at the other boy with sharp eyes.
Dorcas thought about it. Honestly, it wouldn’t be a bad idea. Any hotel would pale in comparison with Lily’s mansion - even though Dorcas had never been, she was sure it was up to standard. It would also be in a nice part of town, with little traffic to wake her up in the night… but Dorcas wouldn’t be nearby. She wouldn’t be able to see her every day without spending hours in traffic.
As if she was reading her mind, Lily added, “You can stay, too.”
Dorcas never liked using other people’s things - just the idea of eating Lily’s food or running up her water bill made her uncomfortable. She would be tense the whole time she was there.
“Only if I pay for food or-”
“Absolutely not.” Lily shook her head.
“But-”
Lily interrupted her, taking a deep breath, “To put it plainly, Dorcas, I’m fucking rich. You don’t have to worry about staying there without paying for anything. I’m good.”
Dorcas looked at her, unsure.
“Just think about it.” Lily smiled, getting up to help James in the kitchen, who was struggling helplessly to remember where anything was.
Dorcas would probably say yes in the end, but she had to take a little more time to get comfortable with the idea. She turned to look at Pandora who was curled up on the couch next to her. She was reading the book that Dorcas’ mom had gifted her as a going-away present when they had moved to LA. Dorcas’ mom had gotten all of them gifts. It had a cloth-bound dark blue cover with bronze and silver embroidery. It was all about the history of witchcraft in LA.
“Haven’t you already read that?” Dorcas asked her.
Pandora didn’t even look up from her reading, “Yeah, but I have to make sure I remember everything for when your mom comes.”
Dorcas refrained from pointing out that her mom was not expecting an encyclopaedic knowledge of the book she gave her. Pandora probably wouldn’t believe her, anyway.
They sat in comfortable silence for a bit as the other girl finished reading to the end of her page. Dorcas’ gaze wandered to the pictures on the wall. Once again, her focus was drawn to the blonde girl that kept appearing in the photos of them when they were young. She seemed so close to all of them, Dorcas wondered what happened.
She was pulled out of her thoughts by the sound of a book snapping shut. Pandora put it down and crossed her legs, looking at Dorcas with a sparkle in her eye.
“So what are we going to do when your mom comes over? What’s the plan?”
Dorcas couldn’t help the excited rambling that followed. She went through her list of planned activities as the other girl interjected every now and again with excited ramblings of her own. Pandora was one of the few people Dorcas allowed herself to be completely honest with - well, most of the time.
She was one of the first people Dorcas became friends with at school. They had met in detention in freshman year after Dorcas had slammed a guy into some lockers for making up a rumour that he had slept with her and Pandora had drawn on the bathroom walls again in marker. Contrary to what most people may have thought, Pandora was never difficult for her to read. She always knew exactly what the other girl was thinking, even if she didn’t act or say things in a way that made sense to most people. Similarly, it took less than five seconds for Pandora to see through all of Dorcas’ bullshit. They had become friends almost immediately; like magnets they just complimented each other in a way that felt natural. The other girl had had a crush on Dorcas then, which she admitted a few months into knowing her. Sometimes Dorcas thought that life would have been a lot easier if she hadn’t turned her down - but it wouldn’t have been fair on Pandora. She didn’t like her in that way.
Their conversation was interrupted by Regulus walking into the common room,“Slughorn said that we should go to the song recording. Learn how things go.”
“You’re coming?” James asked from the other side of the room.
“Yes.”
Instead of looking happy, the other boy looked almost pained, “Maybe you should come another time.”
“Why would we when we can go now?” Regulus raised one eyebrow.
“Fair enough,” James smiled, running a hand through his already messy hair, “It will probably all be fine.”
Beside him Lily laughed humorlessly, “She could barely get through rehearsal…”
“Come on, Lily…”
“I just don’t understand why we have to do this.” she sighed in frustration.
“We just have to get it over and done with. I think that’s what she wants.” James replied, clearly trying to comfort her. The other girl just turned around and started making her way to the recording studio.
Dorcas and Regulus left Pandora - who didn’t want to go - and followed the others. Neither of them asked anything about the conversation they had just witnessed, instead just walking in silence. After a minute or so they reached recording studio A. James pointed them towards the door leading to the control room, where anyone who wasn’t the band would go.
They opened the door to see a dark room littered with sound boards and computers. Sitting in two large office-type chairs, Peter and an old man with grey hair and flowing robes were pressing buttons on the control panels. Next to them was a woman with cropped auburn who was grinning as Peter moved about nervously. The room was small, but on the wall opposite the soundboards was a large leather couch. On it were Sirius, Mary, and another boy she didn’t know. Sirius and Mary smiled at them, both with slightly nervous expressions.
They sat down on the couch next to the stranger. He had dark brown hair and a dark green, fuzzy jumper on. Creeping above the neckline of his top, Dorcas could see the beginning of a tattoo that continued down.
“Hey, I’m Frank.” the boy introduced himself, “I’m the band’s publicist.”
He smiled goodnaturedly. He had a very relaxed air about him, like he was simply happy to be there, which Dorcas imagined that he probably was given that a publicist was not necessary for recording an album.
“Dorcas Meadowes.”
“No need to introduce yourselves,” Frank began as Regulus opened his mouth to do just that, “I’ve been a big fan since your gig at Monroe. You guys completely overshadowed the act you were opening for.”
Dorcas was taken aback slightly. She couldn’t believe that this guy recognised them from a gig they played like a year ago.
“Thanks.” she let out.
Frank leant back on the couch with a laugh, “Don’t look so surprised. Some of us remember there is music outside of LA.”
He signalled with his head to the woman next to Peter, “That’s my partner, Alice - the band’s agent. Next to her in the chair is Albus Dumbledore. He runs the record label.”
Dorcas’ eyes wandered to the glass window that looked into the live room. Remus, Lily, and James were fiddling with their instruments and throwing nervous glances at each other. Periodically, each of them would look towards the door.
“Where’s Marlene?” Regulus whispered to Dorcas.
She shrugged, “How should I know?”
“Well, she’s supposed to be here.”
Dorcas felt an odd need to defend the other girl. Yes, she was always late to places, but she almost always showed up - the only exception being the day of the drunk phone call.
“She’ll come.”
Just as the words had come out of her mouth, the door to the studio opened and Marlene walked in, moving determinedly to the microphone. Her smile did not reach her eyes as she put on a pair of headphones. She was gripping onto the microphone stand like it was the only thing holding her up. Behind her, James and Lily gave each other nervous looks whilst Remus’ concerned eyes could not be pulled away from the girl in front of him.
Peter pressed a button down and pulled the microphone from one of the soundboards closer to him, “Okay, I’m going to start the metronome now and then James can start whenever he’s ready.”
“Cool.” Marlene nodded, slightly lifeless.
The silence that followed stretched by. James didn’t start, he just looked at Marlene until she turned around in question.
“Why aren’t you playing?”
Dorcas could feel James’ concern from here, “We don’t have to record this song, you know? Not if it-”
“Let’s just start it, okay?” she breathed out like every word was difficult for her to say. She swung back around to face the control room, holding onto the microphone stand for balance. There was a glassy look in her eyes.
“Is she… drunk?” Peter asked in disbelief.
Why the hell was Marlene drunk at a recording session?
“Okay let’s stop the recording.” Alice stood up straight and started walking towards the microphone before the old man - Dumbledore - stopped her.
He put his arm in front of her and said in a calm, whimsical way, “Let’s not waste anyone’s time.”
“But she’s-”
“Drunk, yes, I noticed.”
Alice looked to Frank, a burning expression in her eyes. The other boy just shrugged in response, clearly tense.
“Fucking asshole.” Mary mumbled under her breath.
Dorcas didn’t know who he was, but she agreed with the sentiment. Marlene looked… wrong. She was witty and playful and even openly hostile, but she was never emotionless. She looked at Marlene and it looked like the life had been sucked out of her. Dorcas just wanted to get up and fucking do something. Why did everyone else seem completely unfazed by the fact that their lead singer was struggling to stand straight at eleven in the morning?
The snap of James’ drums turned all of their attention back to the booth. A few beats later the guitars came in with a twangy melody. There was something deeply Southern and jazzy about it.
“Will you guys even be able to record if she’s drunk?” Regulus asked.
“Please,” Sirius replied, “She’s Marlene Mckinnon. She’s a one-take-wonder - she’s never had to record anything twice.”
“Gettin’ born in the state of Mississippi
Papa was a copper and mama was a hippie…”
It was clear that Sirius hadn’t been lying. Marlene’s voice was beautiful and smooth, but underneath Dorcas could almost feel the hurt in her voice.
“She never knew that there was anything more than poor
What in the world? What does your company take me for?”
Dorcas wanted desperately to know what was going on. This wasn’t normal. Why the fuck was everyone acting like this was normal?
“Black bandana, sweet Louisiana,
Robbin’ on a bank in the state of Indiana
She’s a runner, rebel and a stunner…”
Behind Marlene, the rest of the band kept sneaking glances at her.
“Lookin’ down the barrel of a hot metal forty-five
Just another way to survive…”
The music swelled up as Marlene held the note. She tipped her head to the side and closed her eyes, like she was trying to block everything out.
“California, rest in peace
Simultaneous release…”
The guitars were almost deafening, loud and gritty behind Marlene’s voice.
California, show your teeth
She’s my priestess, I’m your priest…”
Dorcas was rooted in place, completely still.
“She’s a lover, baby and a fighter
Shoulda seen her coming when it got a little brighter
With a name like Dani California
Day was gonna come when I was gonna mourn ya…”
Her voice cracked a little at the end of the phrase.
“A little loaded, she was stealin’ another breath
I loved my baby to death…”
Marlene shut her eyes more forcefully, like the lyrics she was singing were physically hurting her, twisting a knife into her gut.
“Push the fader, gifted animator
One for the now and eleven for the later…”
It was clear she was becoming more and more agitated as she sang, her breathing becoming more shallow. She was trying to brush it off, singing the song in the snappy way it was clearly written.
“Down in the badlands she was savin’ the best for last
It only hurts when I laugh…”
Her breathing was getting close to hyperventilating now.
“Gone too fast…”
She was pressing her eyes shut like it would stop her from feeling anything as the music got louder and louder for the final chorus. Marlene was singing with conviction, like it was ripping through her chest; the last spurt of energy before the end.
It was a twisted thing to watch someone pour out their pain for a record label executive. Was this what she would have to do to make it? Rip out her heart for everyone to see? It made Dorcas feel sick.
She didn’t want to be here anymore. She wasn’t needed - Marlene’s actual friends could comfort her when the song was finished. She didn’t want to watch it anymore.
Getting up as quietly as she could, Dorcas left the room. She thought about going to the common room, but the possibility of bumping into someone and having to talk to them gave her pause. Instead, she went to the most private place she could always count on: the bathroom.
The stalls in the recording studio were always clean, so as soon as Dorcas walked through the door she sat on the floor - it always made her feel more grounded.
To stop her mind wandering off to places she didn’t want it to, Dorcas once again went through the scheduled list of activities for when her mom came. She thought about the logistics of picking her mom up on Friday; when she should leave the house, when she should ask to borrow Lily’s car - shit, she’d forgotten to check the weather. She would need to do that as soon as she got home today, to make sure it didn’t interfere with any plans. Sure, LA was always sunny, but what if it wasn’t?
Dorcas carried on going through her schedule, until she was pulled out of her thoughts by the sound of the door opening.
“Oh, Dorcas.”
The girl in question looked up to see Marlene Mckinnon standing by the doorway, tears in her eyes. Her cheeks were red and splotchy.
“Um - I’ll go, don’t worry.” The last thing Dorcas wanted was to make the other girl feel like she couldn’t have a moment of privacy.
“No.” the other girl shook her head, “It’s okay.”
Marlene slowly slid down onto the floor in front of her, leaning back on the wall.
“Well, now you know one of my flaws. We’re even.” the other girl laughed as she tried to wipe the tears off her face.
“At least you can write good songs about them...” Dorcas mumbled, trying to make the other girl feel better.
“Yeah?” Marlene looked at her like she was about to start crying again, and Dorcas was acutely reminded of the fact that she was completely drunk, “You think they’re good?”
“Marls… they’re incredible.” Dorcas honestly didn’t know how the other girl even doubted herself.
The other girl just nodded, biting her lip. It was such a small, helpless gesture that Dorcas felt her heart crack a bit.
“I’m not as good as I used to be.”
“At writing?”
“At… anything.”
Marlene’s voice wobbled as she said the last sentence. Dorcas just wanted to pull her in and hold her. She hated seeing her like this.
“You never knew me before Emmeline.”
“Emmeline?” Dorcas asked, although she already knew, vaguely. Marlene’s writing had always had a shadow cast over it by a death in her past, and the press always liked to pick up on that stuff.
“She was my… my girlfriend. She died of an overdose. We were seventeen.”
Dorcas felt a shard of glass lodge itself into her chest. Marlene started fiddling with the end of her t-shirt.
“I used to be so… full of fucking life.” the tears started streaming down her face again, “And now it’s twice the effort to do half of what I used to do. And I know it was six years ago and I know I should have moved on by now but I just… haven’t. It just feels like everything since then has been some sort of alternate reality - like my realities split in that moment - and there’s this better version of me out there.”
She was hyperventilating now.
In a small voice, she whispered, “I’m just so sick of walking around and knowing that I’m this boring, broken version of what I used to be. I just…”
Her voice trailed off. Dorcas desperately wanted to do something to help. She moved a little bit closer so that she was sitting right in front of the other girl.
“Okay, this is the only time you’re going to hear a compliment like this from me,” Dorcas began and the other girl laughed a little. Dorcas looked into Marlene’s eyes, so that she knew that what she was about to say was the truth, “You are so full of light that it sometimes hurts to even look at you. Like the sun.”
In front of her, Marlene’s breath hitched.
Dorcas carried on, “You’re like a supernova, okay? I have never seen someone so genuinely lit up from the inside.”
“You think?”
Dorcas put her hand in Marlene’s, partly because she hoped the physical contact and warmth would ground her, and partly because Dorcas couldn’t stand not doing so. She wanted the other girl to know that she was here.
“Of course.”
And Dorcas meant what she said. Sometimes it made her feel hollow, being around Marlene, because she was the exact opposite. If Marlene was a supernova then Dorcas was a black hole; she sucked everything else in. She honestly couldn’t understand how Marlene didn’t see the way she lit up a room.
But she also understood the feeling that came with losing someone young, the understanding that so much of you was focused on something else instead of simply letting yourself develop. Because it felt oddly like you had been tainted, or marked at an age too young. She understood the clawing fear that something had been irreparably taken from you. Something as simple as organic development. As childhood. And everyone else got to have it but you.
Dorcas took a deep breath in. She never talked about this, but Marlene probably needed it, “My dad left my mom and me before I was even born. It’s not the same, but I get it. I get the feeling of losing someone when you’re young.”
Marlene looked up at her with sad, large brown eyes, “If I were your dad I wouldn’t leave you.”
Dorcas laughed despite herself, “Yeah?”
“Yeah.” Marlene nodded, a completely serious expression on her face.
“I appreciate that.”
Marlene smiled genuinely, like she was proud of herself for making the other girl feel better.
“I’m sorry,” she looked at Dorcas with sympathy, “I can’t imagine having that happen so young. I mean, I already feel like I had my childhood taken away from me at seventeen.”
“It’s sucky at any age.” Dorcas smiled sadly. Oddly, talking about her dad to another person wasn’t as painful as it usually was, “But it does feel like that. It feels like I lost some fundamental part of being a child.”
Marlene nodded. It was different, but she understood.
“It’s like everything came crashing down all at once. And the universe took it away from me - my childhood. And, you know, it was mine first.”
Dorcas almost laughed at that, the absolute simplicity of the sentence. It was mine first. Of course Marlene would say it like that. That was exactly how it felt.
She looked up at the other girl. Her eyes were big and slightly puffy from crying and her nose was red. Her hair, like usual, was an absolute mess. She looked like a painting, like every part of her was a deliberate brushstroke an artist had taken the time to paint. It almost hurt to look at.
“I wish you had known me - before, I mean.” she said quietly.
It was almost like an instinct the way in which Dorcas wanted to wrap her arms around the other girl. She wanted to hold her, cup her face and-
Kiss her.
She wanted to kiss her.
This was… not something she wanted to deal with right now. She pushed this new revelation down within her subconscious - as far as it could go. If Dorcas Meadowes was good at one thing it was denial. Instead of acknowledging what she had just realised, she squeezed the girl’s hand.
“Well, I’m glad I know you now.”