Scar Tissue

There were no buses at the bus stop, but Marlene had already phoned James to ask if they could crash at his. He and Sirius had left them half an hour earlier at the bench by the stop, so by the time her and Emmeline realised no buses would come and pick them up, the boys were already home in time to pick up their call. They’d had to awkwardly walk into the nearest bar - an empty, dusty place - and ask them if they could use their landline. 

Secretly, Marlene didn’t much care about the fact that she and Emmeline were left to their own devices. The rest of the group had taken her in almost immediately. Having accepted her into their cult-like group who (creepily similar to the Mansons, Marlene thought) spent all their time with each other was nice, but it meant that it was difficult for them to find time to be alone together. Her days were taken up by band rehearsals, networking-type parties that Sirius always insisted that they went to, normal-type parties, and songwriting. The only time she was ever away from them was when she hung out with Laurie. 

Marlene felt that she was experiencing some type of Emmeline-induced withdrawal. She’d previously felt a bit like her own little secret, like someone she could keep her all to herself. Emmeline felt safe - she couldn’t really describe it any other way. That seemed to be the common theme about her: try as she might, Marlene couldn’t put her into words. And she had tried through her song writing, but nothing seemed to properly capture her. It was probably because the other girl felt like a soul before she was a person with flesh and bone. She wasn’t solid in that way. She was a feeling. 

 Above all, Emmeline was fascinating. She was fascinating to talk to, she was fascinating to observe. The way she would throw a look over her shoulder, conveying everything she wanted to convey in just that small act. The way she would smile and say something indecipherably vague that only Marlene would understand. It was true that Emmeline wasn’t contained by flesh and blood. No, she felt more like a phenomenon. An electric nebula. 

Most importantly, she was a phenomenon that liked her back. 

“You go to that fancy music school, right? What’s it like?” Emmeline asked as they walked down the quiet street on their way to James’. Her elongated vowels echoed on the paved sidewalk.

“Shit.” Marlene explained. And then, “Wait, that’s not true.”

It was one of those things you would never really understand unless you went through it. She sighed again, this time significantly more frustrated, trying to articulate exactly what she meant. Emmeline laughed a little. 

“I mean, it’s not like I could even pretend I came from even a middle-class family. It’s not that obvious now, but I used to have a strong accent back then. Like, very noticeable.”

Both her parents spoke Spanish, and she’d grown up speaking it exclusively. She only began learning English when she went to Kindergarten, but even then all of her teachers were Latino themselves. She pronounced her ‘L’s and ‘R’s differently. No one really said anything, but it was hard for twelve-year-old Marlene to feel like she was anything but an outsider when she was the only one at school who spoke the way she did. Even Peter didn’t have that type of accent. Neither did James, although of course they all ‘stuck out’ in their various ways. 

“Oh, I know.” Emmeline smirked, her eyes glimmering, “when you’re particularly drunk the accent comes back in full force. Sometimes the entirety of the English language goes out the window.”

She blushed a bit at that, “Poor Remus. Sometimes I seem to forget that they don’t speak Spanish in Brazil. Weirdos.” 

They waited for a car to pass as they crossed the road.

“I get that, though.” Emmeline added, a bit more seriously, “I never realised there was anything more than ‘poor’ until I was like twelve. I obviously registered that others didn’t live the way we did, but it never really hit me until then. Honestly, I think it still hasn’t fully hit me.” 

Marlene looked over to the other girl. The light of the streetlamps added a soft glow to her blonde hair, making her look almost ethereal. But her brown eyes didn’t look distant and otherworldly, they looked present, comforting. 

She carried on, “When we moved from state to state in the RV, we would sometimes pass through these big neighbourhoods with these large, plantation-era houses and I just couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of someone living there. Like what did they do with all those spare rooms, you know?” 

Marlene laughed at that, “When I was younger I used to think that if I ever had one of those big Hollywood Hills houses I would do nothing but play hide and seek all day. Like, that was the main attraction of a big house for me.” 

A dry, breathy laugh escaped from Emmeline’s lips. Marlene had to physically stop herself from kissing them because she thought that, once she did, she would never stop. 

“Why’d you come to California, then?” she continued, trying to distract herself, “Why didn’t you stay in the South?”

Emmeline looked away, then, with a self-knowing smile. 

“It’s gonna sound stupid.”

“What? No, say it.” and then, “Please.”

Marlene held eye contact, keeping her eyes wide and pleading for greater emphasis. Finally, the other girl rolled her eyes and gave in.

“I wanted to be a star.” she said, simply. 

She said it with such non-emotion, with such cool tranquillity, in her Southern-Belle voice that Marlene couldn’t help but believe she would be. How could she not? She was detached enough, gorgeous enough. She was a star, in her own way. Someone you would search all the night sky just to look at. 

Marlene never had that. She wasn’t cool or detached. Far from, some part of her thought that if she did become a star she would just burn up. Maybe she’d become a black hole, sucking everything down with her.

“What changed?”

“Reality.” Emmeline just smiled sadly back, staying silent. They walked like that for a few minutes. It was not stilted or awkward, just melancholy. 

“It wasn’t all bad.” Marlene started after a while, wanting to break the silence “That’s what makes it so difficult to describe. I owe everything to that school, really. I don’t think I could really live without music, as sad and pathetic as that sounds. It would leave my brain like some sort of loose cannonball, unable to focus on anything. And music just makes everything better, doesn’t it? Any moment, sad or happy or whatever in between, is so much better when there’s music. I feel like it amplifies your own existence, you know?”

She finished her rambling to look at Emmeline, who was looking at her with a small smile in her eyes. 

“That’s beautiful.”

“Is it?” Marlene huffed a laugh, “I fail to see how someone essentially saying they enjoy being sad but only when Billie Holliday is playing in the background is beautiful.”

“It just is. You’re beautiful.” 

Marlene just blushed, unable to really know how to reply. She said it so simply. Like it was just another fact of life. A day contains 24 hours, Paris is the capital of France, and Marlene Mckinnon is beautiful. 

“You’re going to make it big. I just know it.” Another fact, simply stated. 

They were turning up onto James’ road. 

“I really want to.” Marlene replied, quietly, like it was some big secret. Because it felt so stupid. It felt so silly to declare to someone that you wanted something that was so improbable. 

“Though it sounds so big-headed when you put it like that.” she added, huffing out a laugh. 

“I don’t think it does.” Emmeline contradicted, not unkindly, “I just think you have to be willing to do what it takes.”

“‘I’ll make it to the moon if I have to crawl…” Marlene quoted absentmindedly from a song she had been writing. God, she really needed to finish that, she’d only written one verse. 

“Where’s that from?” the other girl interrupted her thoughts. 

“What?” Marlene blinked harshly, head firmly back on Earth, “Oh, I wrote it.” 

“You wrote that?” 

Marlene didn’t know why she sounded so surprised, Emmeline knew she wrote lyrics. When she told her as much, the other girl just smiled. 

“How does the rest of it go?” 

“I have to warn you I only have one verse written. Let me remember… ummmm…. okay:” 

Marlene breathed in, picturing the page in her notebook and the lyrics written in messy, scrawly handwriting

“Soft spoken with a broken jaw

Step outside but not to brawl and

Autumn’s sweet, we call it fall 

I’ll make it to the moon if I have to crawl ” 

She’d come up with it a few weeks ago on the night of her birthday. They’d all gone out and she had gotten completely shit-faced, hence the ‘Autumn’s sweet’ line. Not one of her finest, but she kept it in anyways because it reminded her of the memory. 

It was five in the morning. Everyone was asleep, but her drug-addled brain wasn’t letting her even lie down. They were all at James’ house - because honestly when weren’t they - and she’d opened the window in the kitchen to let some fresh air in. Sitting on the counter, she’d picked up her notebook and started scrawling random lines that popped into her head. The evening had started at some gig or other, but the night had led them down the yellow brick road to Prewett’s. That same old green paint, those same red leather booths. At one point she had looked up at all the pictures that lined the walls, and it truly hit her. 

They had all built their band atop a big pile of hope and desperation and nothing else. Who’s to say they were going to make it? Who would’ve known that any of the people in those pictures would make it? 

The truth was that Marlene was tired. She had just turned seventeen, and she was already exhausted from it all. It was difficult having joined the rock scene as young as she did. She didn’t even know how she’d done it - she looked at thirteen year olds now and thought they looked so small. Marlene thought it was really sad that she could remember every single act of unprovoked kindness she had ever received - she could probably count the times on one hand.

Well, if you only counted the times before she met James Potter.

She looked through the open doorway from the kitchen to the living room, at the clear view of all of her friends piled on top of the couch, just a mess of limbs at impossibly uncomfortable angles. She thought James would be the same as everyone else she had met. When he wasn’t, she thought he would be the exception. She never thought she’d be lucky enough to have met four exceptions.

James, who wasn’t a person so much as he was a feeling: home. James, who always brought back Marlene’s favourite candy whenever he went to the grocery store. James, who needed reminding every once in a while that his efforts were noticed. 

And Sirius, who made Marlene feel like a small child again, running around and being a nuisance, laughing at something that wasn’t funny, simply because who was anyone to tell them what they could and couldn’t laugh at? Sirius, who asked at every turn whether he was doing the right thing. Sirius, who tried so hard to be good.

Remus, who, though his aversion to socialising made him come off as rude enough, was actually way ruder when you actually got to know him. Remus, who could nerd out with Marlene for hours, who always appreciated a good rant. Remus, who had moods as strong as her that would sweep him away for days at a time.

And Lily, who she could sit and talk to for hours about their hopes and dreams and everything in between. Lily, who taught Marlene how to sew properly with a sewing machine. Lily, who sewed her own little pocket in her bra when she saw Marlene’s. Lily, who was so excited to learn every little detail about her. Lily, whom she wanted to know every little detail about. 

She turned to look outside, the amber light of the street lamps flooding the whole road with a warm, fuzzy glow. She looked up at the night sky. She had always loved the moon, always there, night after night. Did the moon look down at people like characters in some shitty reality TV, watching people make silly little mistakes and run around carrying out their silly little lives knowing that, when all was said and done, they’d be six feet under ground while she would stay there, eternal? Everything felt so small. People felt so small. Marlene didn’t want to be small, she wanted to be big.

Maybe the saying specified that you could only make a wish on a shooting star, but whoever made that up clearly hadn’t heard of LA. Seeing a star through the heavy cloud of smog would be nothing short of a miracle. So she closed her eyes and desperately willed her mind to convey just one simple message, hoping that the moon would have to do for now:

I don’t want to be insignificant.

—————-

The week leading up to their gig came and went. They had chosen Prewett’s, having all decided it was the place they would feel most comfortable playing. Marlene indulged herself, letting her mind wander free at the possibility of it all going well. They would be able to play at the fucking Whiskey. And what then? Was this what a big break felt like?

They made their way to the bar that night almost in silence because none of them spoke the whole way. The only sound came from Lily, humming her guitar notes under their breath. They moved like a band of ghosts, each one of them in a world of their own.

By the time they had reached the stage door entrance of Prewett’s, Marlene’s stomach felt like it was trying to claw its way out of her body. It was partly out of nerves and partly out of anticipation. She just wanted to be up there on the stage, she wanted to get this ‘before’ part out of the way. 

The stage room in Prewett’s was very small, having just enough room for a small brown couch and a singular mirror with lights and a flimsy plastic chair. The room was small enough - Marlene didn’t even know how they were going to be able to arrange all their instruments to fit onto the tiny platform Gid and Fab generously referred to as a stage. They got ready, all of them seeming to have gained their voice back. Amidst all the discussion and excitement, she hadn’t realised that Emmeline had left the room until Sirius pointed it out, asking Marlene to go fetch her. He said something about needing her makeup expertise. She had a good idea of where the other girl was. 

She made her way towards the bathroom. All of the stalls were empty, except for the one at the end. Marlene knocked but there was no answer. 

“Em?” she asked, trying to keep the tiny coil of anxiety that had begun to sit on her chest at the fact that there was no answer, “Em, are you there?”

She knocked again. She was just about ready to kick down the door when it swung open.

“Marlene? What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you be getting ready?” Emmeline blinked harshly as she made her way out of the stall and towards the sink. Her eyes were slightly glazed over when she looked at Marlene, like the other girl wasn’t even there.

Her brain obviously registered that the danger had passed; Emmeline was fine, just a little slow. But it was like her nervous system hadn’t really caught on to the fact. She couldn’t take it out of panic-mode. Marlene looked back towards the stall she had come from.

“You left your bag in here.” she said as she stepped inside. She picked up all the trinkets she had left on the floor - a needle, a small bag of powder, a crumpled up bus pass - and she shoved it into the small purse, making sure nothing else was left behind. She also picked up a thin brown cardigan that was laying in the corner.

“Thanks.” Emmeline smiled as she took back the bag from the other girl’s hands and put on the small cardigan she had been holding, “To cover the track marks, you know.” she added casually.

Emmeline gave her a quick kiss on the cheek, before grabbing her hand and leading her back to the stage room. She tried her very hardest not to notice how the other girl stumbled a little, how she leaned to the side sometimes. Marlene was still a little zoned-out, unable to find a way to tell her body that it could just go back to normal. Her thoughts went by in flashes, like she was unable to register them properly.

“The woman of the hour!” Sirius exclaimed with a bright smile as soon as they walked in. Marlene took a seat next to Remus, who was sitting on the brown couch, cutting some white powder. 

“E?”

“Speed.” he replied without looking up. 

“Maybe one day we’ll be fancy enough to afford coke at these things.” she mused. Remus huffed a laugh back. 

They sat there in silence, Lily and James arguing over something to do with the placement of their instruments. Lily was flailing about with her guitar, clearly imitating some sort of collision with the other boy, as he simply leant back on the wall and tried frustratedly to get a word in.

Emmeline was hunching over Sirius, who was sat in one of the chairs next to the mirror. She was putting some sort of glittery eyeliner on him. The idea had come to her when the other boy had mentioned that he had always wanted to wear makeup when he was younger, like the rockstars he saw in the posters he managed to sneak into his house, but his mother hadn’t allowed it. She had immediately exclaimed that it would “be an honour to corrupt Sirius Black” 

When she finished, she turned him around to show the rest of the group. 

“Handsome, huh?” 

“If I liked men you’d probably be the first I'd go for. After Remus, of course.” Lily grinned. Sirius winked back and then turned to share a grin with Remus. 

Out of the corner of her eye she saw the other boy look down quickly and start cutting up the powder with a lot more fervour than before. 

“I’m mildly offended but I’ll let it slide.” James let out, grabbing Sirius’ head unceremoniously in order to get a better look at his makeup. 

“Hey Marley…” he started, “wouldn’t you say the makeup really makes it look like he has stars around his eyes…”

They shared a look, and Marlene knew exactly what he was doing. Sirius looked at him with vague confusion.

“Why the sudden sonnet, James?” he asked suspiciously.

“You’re onto something…” she joined in, looking at Sirius in feigned concentration, “They look like constellations…”

“Like galaxies…” James agreed.

“One could even say… planets.”

Sirius' face morphed as he looked at both of them incredulously

“I fucking hate you guys.” he muttered under his breath, “I’d be more careful about what you say about me. Remember you’re talking to someone who has held your hair while you puked and listened to you while you rambled intensely about which member of the backstreet boys you would fuck if you had to. You’re not the only one with blackmail.”

Lily snorted at this, “Really? Which one?”

“As if I’d ever confess.” she huffed, waiting a few beats before turning to Lily and mouthing “I’ll tell you later.”

“I’m confused.” Emmeline interjected, “About the planets thing.”

Sirius rolled his eyes, “When I was younger, I wanted to be a rockstar and I gave myself the rockstar name ‘Barry Pluto’ ” he shrugged with forced nonchalance, which made James and Marlene burst out laughing again.

Emmeline’s eyes lit up. She held out a hand in greeting.

“Barry Pluto, meet Dani California.” 

Sirius looked like he couldn’t believe it. 

“You too?” he whispered in awe.

“I didn’t know a single thing about stardom other than the fact that it happened in LA and that LA was in California.” 

“I am so glad I’m not alone.” their conversation devolved into noise which Marlene couldn’t really decipher.

The laughing had helped her release some of the tension in her chest, but it curled up again in a few seconds. She didn’t even know why her body was so affected - it’s not like she’d never seen anyone on drugs. She turned to Remus for a distraction. 

“Nervous?”

He looked at her, and then looked down and the speed he was now cutting into a thin line, and then back up again, as if the answer was obvious. 

“Me too. I’m just terrified that they’re not going to find me funny or hot enough or ‘lead singer material’ enough or… whatever.” 

Remus looked up. 

“Please tell me you don’t actually believe that.”

“Well, when you look at me like that I want to say no…” she replied defensively.

“Marlene, you are all those things and more. Don’t you remember the last gig? It’s like you were born to be on stage.”

She looked at him with a heartfelt smile.

“So you think I’m hot?” she looked at him with the most pleading face she could muster.

“I’m not even going to answer that.” he looked down and carried on cutting the powder.

“So tell me, do you think I’ll always be beautiful?” she looked at him, hiding a smile and twirling one of her curls in her hair.

He rolled his eyes, a smile sliding onto his face. “When you’re old - I’m talking past Milf phase, obviously.”

“Obviously”

“I can guarantee that you will still be beautiful.” 

She grinned smugly, “I must say Lupin, I’m definitely keeping you around for my retirement.” 

“Oh yeah?” he smirked before he leaned down and snorted a line. 

“Yeah. You seem like the type of person who would lose hearing when they’re older - don’t ask, I just know - and I know I’m going to be the type of old person that never shuts the fuck up. So I think we’ll balance each other out quite well, because you won’t be able to hear me in order to find me so annoying.” her babbling was interrupted by him passing her the rolled up dollar bill. 

Marlene’s brain was better, but it was still quite scattered. When she went down to snort the line, her hands trembled so much that she had to resort to bumping it with her finger. She didn’t even try to explain it to Remus. 

They were interrupted by Gideon entering the room, telling them that they were on in five minutes. 

“There’s a big crowd.” he smirked knowingly, “Oh, and no drugs in the establishment.” he added, directing a condescending look towards the rolled up bill in Remus’ hand. He just smiled back. 

The drugs began to take effect as they made their way towards the stage. Her body felt like it was gliding, even when she was standing stock still at the end of the corridor. They looked around at each other. 

“Nerves any easier?” Lily directed her question at James. 

“Not as bad as last time, I’d say like 7% better.” he replied, nodding. 

Marlene's stomach felt sick with the anticipation - although maybe it was the drugs. She didn’t really know why Remus had decided on speed out of everything in order to calm his nerves. It made her feel like her synapses were exploding. All she wanted to do was hear the vibration of the guitar in her chest and the sharp crack of the drums in her ears. She just wanted to release all the energy that was buzzing inside of her. 

She looked around at all of their nervous and excited faces, and smiled back. Not wanting to prolong the stress, she turned around and swung open the door to the bar.

Gideon hadn’t exaggerated, the crowd was big.