Scar Tissue

It was 01:20am and Sirius still hadn’t arrived. Realistically, they knew they could play without him. But it felt wrong, like he was their good luck charm. James was pacing the room like a madman. Every once in a while he would look up at the clock and then continue pacing. Marlene thought he was close to wearing holes in the filthy, alcohol-stained carpet. Remus and her had started smoking a joint. Sure, it was technically not allowed, but Remus knew how to disable the smoke detectors so they had lit up anyways. Lily was just sitting there on one of the purple velour couches.

The backstage room was painted a bogey-coloured green. It had badly kept plants and dusty boxes everywhere, including right in the middle of the room. They had two mirrors with stage lights, but doing their makeup had proven difficult once they found out that most of the bulbs were busted. Luckily Marlene could do her makeup in her sleep. Probably because it looked like she had done it in her sleep.

“How are you so calm?” she asked Lily, dumbfounded. 

Remus snorted, “Don’t be so sure.”

“I’m freaking the fuck out.” Lily replied, without so much as a minute facial expression.

“See.” Remus pointed out, smugly.

A technician came to tell them that they were needed on stage. The moment he caught a whiff of the room he took a long-suffering sigh. Marlene swore she actually saw wrinkles form on his forehead - as in, become etched there permanently without him moving a muscle.

Sirius still hadn’t come. Well, they would have to do it without him. 

They had been practising almost non-stop for a few weeks now, and they had a good selection of covers and some original songs. A few days after Laurie had been released from the hospital, Fabian called James to let him know they had secured a spot on a Monday (well, technically Tuesday morning) at Hallston, a small bar on the outskirts of Silver Lake.

They made their way to the stage. The digital clock right next to the stage said 01:28. They all grouped themselves into a circle. 

“I feel like I should be saying something inspirational right now.” she confessed, looking around at their anxious faces, probably mirroring her own.

“There’s nothing to say. We’re all feeling it.” Lily grinned back. She was holding the neck of her guitar tightly.

“I’ve performed before and I have yet to see it get any easier.” Remus huffed out a laugh.

“It doesn’t get easier? At all?” James blurted, eyebrows frowned in worry.

Marlene clapped him on the back, “Come on. Where’s your sense of rock’n’roll, Potter?”

“Besides,” Remus looks at him, smirking, “You’ve got the easy part. Everyone loves the drummer if they’re hot. You’ll be fine.”

James’ face lit up then. When he looked around at the others, it was impossible not to break out in a grin. 

“Hey guys, it’s time to go on stage now.” the wrinkled manager informed them, “I’ve been told there’s no band name, so I’ll just let you guys introduce yourselves.”

They all smiled apologetically back. They’d thought about it, even had screaming matches over it, but none of the band names they came up with seemed to fit. They all seemed to have quite a spiritual thing going on where they wouldn’t choose a name until all of them thought it felt right in their soul.

Marlene took a deep breath, smiling at all of them, and then turned and strutted onto the stage. 

The word ‘stage’ being quite a loose term for the slightly raised platform at the back of the bar. She looked around to see way more people than she was actually expecting for a first show. It wasn’t necessarily packed, but there were no empty seats and the crowd that had formed in front of the stage blocked her view of the doorway.

Many times Marlene had been told that she would be good for a career in stand-up comedy. Not because she was particularly funny (although she begged to disagree) but because she really could monologue for hours. She often joked that she preferred talking to babies more than people, because they shut up and let her talk uninterrupted.

Which was why she always knew she would be good as a frontman for a band. She’d grown up on stages, doing piano recitals at every opportunity since she was young. She felt comfortable, because she was up there and everybody was down there. 

“Hello everyone! This would probably be the time that I would announce our band name but unfortunately we don’t have one.” she started, with a hand on her hip as the rest of the band behind her started putting on their instruments and fiddling with their amps. “We’ve been trying to come up with one. Honestly, any suggestion you have, come up to me after the show and let me know because there’s a high likelihood that ‘James and the giant peach-es’ will be our name and I just don’t think I could let that happen.”

A laugh came from the audience.

“Hey! I suggested that once as a joke.” James countered from his spot behind the drums.

“One time was enough to strike the fear of God in me.” 

“Don’t act like you wouldn’t seriously consider naming us that, though.” Lily turned with one eyebrow raised. 

“I know you guys don’t know James but, just for context, he thought ‘Ewok’ was a perfectly nice name for a child.” Marlene clarified for the audience. There were a few shocked “No!”s and more laughter.

“So remember not to sleep with James tonight because you run the risk of having your child named after a bear creature from Star Wars.” Lily smiled. Marlene caught her eye and they both grinned at each other, likely both thinking about  the scolding James would give them later. 

“Or bag it up.” Remus added, before going back to fiddling with the pegs of his bass guitar.

“Only 98% effective.” Lily countered, “That’s too high a risk for me.”

“And with that lovely lecture on safe sex from Remus and Lily, I’d like to introduce our first song - a cover - White Room by Cream!”

Without any preamble, Lily went straight into the opening notes almost before Marlene had finished speaking. She just looked down at the floor, taking in the intro of the song, like the calm before the storm. 

“In a white room with black curtains in the station…”

A smile crept onto her face and she couldn’t stop it. She moved around the stage, closing her eyes at certain parts and looking at Lily, Remus or James in others. Running her hands through her hair, through her clothes, she could feel the music in her chest. Before, she used to feel the vibration from the audience, but from the stage? It was a shot of adrenaline right in the veins. 

“At the party, she was kindness in the hard crowd”

Marlene took to rambling in between songs, throwing out anecdotes about the other members or her own personal opinions about the song they were about to play. She realised that she liked it a lot more when it was more casual. At one point, her and Lily had a conversation with one of the members of the audience while James ran off to get water for all of them. 

Their songs went off without a hitch. The audience even liked their original songs - Marlene was expecting them to just fuck off during them and come back for the more popular covers. 

Their set was short - only half an hour - but it felt like it went past in a few seconds. When they got off the stage, Marlene was drenched in sweat.

“We fucking did it!” She scrambled to hug James, who was only carrying his sticks as opposed to the other two members who had guitars in the way. Their hug was sticky, but Marlene didn’t mind, she was practically on cloud nine.

“Ugh, I need a fucking drink!” Lily smiled, hugging them even though the guitar poked Marlene in the ribs. 

“Feeling a bit left out here.” mumbled Remus, before he was pulled into the hug also. 

The crowd had liked it. They had liked them. They laughed at Marlene’s jokes and they danced along with her. It was a bit of a rush, if she was honest. She squeezed tighter on the hug, jumping up and down a little with excitement. 

“To the bar!” declared James, pulling away and making his way towards the stage door that led outside. “We can walk back in through the entrance.”

And that was exactly what they did. They were sitting in a booth, drinks in hand, when a voice came up behind her, its Southern drawl immediately recognisable. 

“Can I suggest a band name?”

She turned to see Emmeline, hand on her hip, a small smile upon her lips. Her hair was wispy. She was even more beautiful in the brighter lights of the bar than in the dim ones of the bathroom. She wore a cream-coloured slip.

“Only if you tell us your name.” James bargained.

“Emmeline Vance.” she replied as she took a seat next to Marlene.

“What’s the name suggestion then?” James prompted for her to continue. Marlene looked straight ahead, fearing that turning to look at Emmeline would mean that their faces would be about a centimetre apart.

“Okay hear me out,” she began, “It’s a bit strange but I always thought that I’d name a band this if I had any musical talent. Unfortunately the sound of my voice could probably cause a mass migration of animals, like natural disasters.”

She huffed out a dry laugh, and Marlene smiled reflexively at the sound. Her voice was just lovely. It was deep, but beautiful to listen to, like some sort of Southern Belle.

“Gryffindor Tower.” She stated, “I was really into Celtic mythology when I was younger - don’t ask me why, I was just kind of drawn to the idea of old ruins like in Arthurian legends - Gryffindor was a name held by old Welsh Kings. I thought that if I was a Gryffindor, that’s what I would call my castle: Gryffindor Tower. I always thought it would be a cool name for something like a band or a mansion.”

“Gryffindor Tower…” James repeated, as if he was trying out how the words tasted in his mouth.

Emmeline put on another voice for the next part, “ ‘Gryffindor Tower played Madison Square Gardens last week.’ It has a nice ring to it.”

Marlene couldn’t disagree with that. 

“We’ll think about it.” she finally decided, finally turning to look at Emmeline.

“Cool.” she replied in a small, distracted voice. They locked eyes, before Marlene looked down towards her lips. The memory of kissing them came back to her in full force, so much so that she was genuinely considering pinching herself. 

Emmeline’s eyes were dark, sunken in. She had a small mole on her cheek that disappeared in her dimples when she smiled. Marlene thought she looked simply angelic - she couldn’t describe her any other way. 

“So… how do you guys know each other?” James’ voice broke them out of their trance with an awkward cough. She turned to see Lily and Remus looking at them, both holding back laughter.

“Ummm…” Marlene started, “Do you guys remember that night we met and Lily spilled the wine on my shirt so I had to go to the bathroom?”

“Yeah, and you came back after like forty minutes and didn’t tell us what you were doing that took you so long.” James finished for her.

“Yeah, I was what she was doing.” Emmeline grinned, before taking a small sip of her drink nonchalantly. Lily and Remus both snorted in laughter. Before anyone had any time to respond, Sirius came running in through the doors.

“You guys you guys you guys you guys.” He let out in all one breath, “I know I’m so sorry I missed the gig but I was too busy talking to the owner of The Whiskey.” he said this last bit in a grave voice, knowing the impact that the name would have.

Marlene held in a breath. The Whiskey was practically the holy grail for anyone who wanted to be anyone. Otis Redding, The Doors, Buffalo Springfield, Led Zeppelin, Fleetwood Mac, AC/DC were just a few of the legends that had performed there. They had a reputation for picking up bands from the streets and making them into stars. Marlene was pretty sure she would sell her left kidney just to be in a room with the owner. And this guy was just talking to Sirius?

“I begged him to come tonight but he said he had this party-thing to attend to and he couldn’t. But, he said that I should drop him the details of your next gig and he will come to see if you guys are any good-”

The last bit of his sentence was drowned out by the squeals and cheers of the other band members.

“How the fuck did that happen?” Lily asked in utter bewilderment.

“At that modelling call I told you guys about.” Sirius sat down in the booth, grabbing one of the drinks that James had already ordered for him.

Marlene felt a little guilty then. She’d been so busy lately with Laurie’s recent flair-up that she hadn’t really been paying much attention to her friends. She had no idea Sirius was interested in being a model. It suited him, though, he was gorgeous.

“I was talking to this girl called Mary about you guys and the band and she told me that she knew the owner, introduced him to me and everything.”

“Ooooh, Mary?” Lily raised an eyebrow suggestively.

“Nah, it wasn’t like that.” Sirius dismissed, face blushing a little.

“Are you sure? Because if you met her at a modelling call then she must be pretty…” Lily pressed on.

“Yeah she was beautiful but she wasn’t - umm - my type, exactly.”

James started running through a list of clubs they could go to after suddenly having decided he was in the mood to dance. Lily was busy asking him to rank them in order of ‘likelihood of playing ABBA’. But Marlene’s eyes were trained on Sirius, having thought it weird how flustered he was at Lily’s previous line of questioning. He kept glancing over at Remus, who kept his eyes trained on James and Lily’s conversation. Marlene realised that, in all her distraction the past few weeks, she had completely forgotten to ask Sirius what had happened between them. She silently chastised herself, reminding herself to ask later on in the evening. 

“Okay, to The Diamond Club we go!” James declared, bringing her out of her thoughts.

The space left in her brain from one distraction gave way to another distraction: Emmeline. By the time they reached the club, Marlene was unable to think about anything other than her, the way her body felt pressed against hers, the way her hair felt under her fingertips - though that probably had a lot to do with the pill she had taken on the way there.

The club was packed with people, a few of them recogniseable to Marlene, who waved whenever she caught their eye. They made their way to the dancefloor, blue and green lights blinking harshly across the room. 

“I’m going to the restroom.” Emmeline whispered in her ear. What a beautiful sound. The proximity of her body made Marlene feel almost giddy.

“I’ll come with.” she was unable to help the grin she gave back.

“I’m going to the restroom.” the other girl reiterated, scanning Marlene’s face for something - she didn’t know what. Finally she just sighed and smiled, “Sure, come.”

Emmeline led her from the dancefloor to the toilets. Once they were inside, she opened one of the stalls and locked the door behind them. The paint on the walls and the door were chipped, with various names and expletives chipped or sharpied on. Marlene was busy looking at the writings, so she didn’t notice what Emmeline had pulled out of her bag until she was injecting the needle into her arm. 

Marlene didn’t really know what to say. She’d been in Hollywood, so she’d seen heroin before, and she’d seen it shot up in front of her before without feeling anything but mild fascination, but it felt all wrong seeing it happen to Emmeline. It’s not like she even knew the girl very well, but it was still almost disturbing. The way her muscles relaxed the moment she pressed down on the syringe, her features slackening. It began to make sense, the fact that she was so pale. Was this what she was doing in the bathroom before she met Marlene? 

The moment was over before she had properly registered that it was happening. Emmeline smiled at her, and Marlene forgot everything. The smile that made her features come alive, like the bright light in her eyes had been turned on. She grabbed Marlene’s hand and led her back out the toilets. 

Spotting her friends, they both moved to join them on the dancefloor. James winked at her when she caught his eye. At some point, Remus had gone off with some guy. Marlene didn’t really register it. She wasn’t really registering anything, the loud blaring music seeming to obliterate all her thoughts, until Sirius moved off by himself. She turned to see that he was heading towards the front doors of the club, before leaving everyone else as well in order to follow him. He looked upset, and besides, he shouldn’t really be alone outside. 

The crowd of people outside made it difficult to see where Sirius had gone off to, but she soon saw him sitting on the sidewalk, staring forwards. He didn’t look up as she approached him. Marlene didn’t initiate conversation first, not wanting Sirius to feel pressured, just wanting him to know that she was there.

Finally, he spoke up, “You know he tried to kiss me.” 

“Who?”

“Remus.” he said in a small voice. In the back of Marlene’s mind she realised that this was probably a big deal, but the rest of her brain couldn’t really figure out why Sirius was talking with such hurt in his voice, “It was the first night we all met. It was stupid, he was drunk, and he probably wouldn’t try it if he knew me like he knows me now, but he tried to kiss me.

He kept repeating that fact, as if he was trying to insist to himself that it was true. The other boy turned to look at her, blue eyes shining desperately in the moonlight.

“He kissed me and I flinched.” He whispered, closing his eyes like he couldn’t bear to look at her when he said it. It was probably a good idea, because Marlene’s face probably reflected the way she felt her heart shatter a bit at the words. 

He went on, “And the worst part is that I did want to kiss him. But I scared him off by flinching away and now he acts as if nothing happened. I tried bringing it up, but he looked so awkward that I just couldn’t continue.”

He paused. He took a deep breath. 

“Do you think it will ever go away? Do you think I’ll ever feel someone’s hands on me or see someone moving towards me and not be reminded of her hands on my throat or gripping onto my shoulder? Will I ever be able to feel the touch of the person I love and not think of her?”

He tried to hold back a sob. 

“It’s like I’m stained. I hate her. I hate her so much. She won. She won because she never truly left me. It makes me want to tear my own skin off, just to be free from her. Because It feels like she’s trapped within me, within everything I feel.”

He set his jaw firmly, tears pooling in his eyes but gaze hardening nonetheless. 

“She took love away from me. I’ll never be able to have it. I’ll never be able to experience it fully, just in a dull, reduced form. Because I can only give my partner the part of me that she left me with. And that part of me is dull and reduced, too.”

Tears started falling down his cheeks, leaving glistening tear marks. He put his head in his knees, cradling himself.

“Can I hug you?”

That seemed to topple him over the edge 

“Yes.” he choked out between sobs.

This was about his mom, wasn’t it? That was the mysterious ‘her’. If she ever saw Mrs Black, Marlene didn’t think she’d be able to contain herself from ripping her head off. 

Marlene’s brain tried to scramble for something to say, but she wasn’t good at this. She was good at gestures, she didn’t think she’d ever been able to console someone just with her words. She tried anyway. Anything was better than this. 

“She didn’t ‘leave’ you with anything, you forged yourself in spite of what she tried to do to you. I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m sorry that’s the way you see yourself. And I hate her, too, for doing that to you. But I’ve never, ever, thought you were anything other than bright and bubbly and sweet and caring.”

She tried to think of something that put into words how she felt about the boy. 

“And, I know it’s not the same as romantic love, but I love you. And I don’t think it’s lesser in any way.” 

Sirius smiled at her, but didn’t say anything back. They both sat like that for a while. The lights of the club turned Sirius’ otherwise raven hair into a dark blue. 

“I love you.” she repeated, and hoped that was enough for now.