Remus and Lily weren’t extremely close and they’d grown apart in recent months.Funny the thing to reunite them would be mutual heartbreak.
Sirius Black had made himself and Mary McDonald’s relationship official when he’d stuck his tongue down her throat in the common room.Who was left on the sidelines,watching them?Remus Lupin and Lily Evans.
Both of them so utterly in love,wallowing in self pity.
Marlene had given Lily the strangest of looks when she’d seen Lily’s less than pleased reaction.She looked as though she might start crying at any given moment.Marlene had looked over at that Slytherin girl whom seemed to be hanging around often these days,Dorcas Meadowes,and Dorcas just shrugged.
Similarly,Peter had noticed Remus’s cold expression and had nudged him.
‘You alright,mate?’ He’d murmured and Remus had just nodded,eyes fixated on the sight before him.
Sirius and Mary had made a real show of themselves.Then they stopped.Sirius grabbed Mary’s hand and led her into out of the Common Room,to many a whoops and cheers.
‘Go on,Black,’ one had screamed at the top of his voice.
The mix of houses in the Gryffindor Common Room all shared in on the whooping.
It made Lily and Remus gag to think what they could be doing right about now.
Lily turned away,as the first tear fell.‘I’m tired,Marlene.See you in the morning,’ Lily then left abruptly,not giving Marlene a chance to reply.
She met Remus’ eyes across the Common Room.He appeared to be leaving as well.Tears glistened in his eyes as well and Lily understood.Unfortunately,she understood.
The pain of wanting someone you could never have.The gut wrenching pain of witnessing THAT.
They nodded at eachother,and seemed to glide to eachother.
‘What the fuck was that?’ Remus laughed bitterly.’Made a right bloody show of themselves’.
Lily shared in on the laughter.’God,what a pair’.
Her voice cracked on the last syllable and Remus frowned.’I think it’s best if we’re both not alone tonight.Might try to murder those idiots if we are’.
Lily let out a slight chuckle and nodded.It felt good to have someone understand how she felt.She didn’t trust Marlene and she didn’t particularly trust Alice,especially after how close she was starting to become to that Narcissa Black.
Lily seemed to be the only one who noticed the looks in class and she’d caught them sitting outside,hidden in the corner of the building.Nobody went there,apart from them and Lily obviously.
She was suspicious of what Alice had been telling Black but would never bring up the fact she knew they’d been meeting up.
Lily felt as though that was territory she couldn’t touch nor acknowledge beyond her own thoughts.Plus,she didn’t know the nature of their relationship.They did seem very close.
Remus quickly snapped her out her thoughts as he began to speak.’My dorm’s empty,’ he laughed mirthlessly.’God that sounds perverse’.
Lily laughed as well,and Remus grinned in her direction.
‘It certainly did.Lead the way,Lupin’.
Remus set off towards the door.’Alright,Remus?’ Shouted a drunk James Potter.’Where you going with Evans,eh?Trying to pull a fast one’.
It was no secret that James Potter had been in love with Lily.His constant efforts to impress her over the years hadn’t left much to the imagination.
‘No,just crowded,’Lily murmured and James smiled,drunkenly.He flung his arm around Remus,and Remus looked on,unimpressed with his antics.
‘Well,have fun with her,Remus.S’pose it isn’t just Sirius tonight,’ again he laughed.He turned away,lifting his arms up and ran back into the crowd.
Lily shook her head,slightly disorientated from whatever the fuck that was.
She felt disgusting after that.She knew Potter was joking but she wondered what it must look like.They were sixteen after all.It was normal.
She couldn’t even comprehend having sex,though,especially not with Remus Lupin.He wouldn’t even enjoy it,probably.He’d never liked a girl as far as Lily knew.And Lily knew he was like her.
Like her in all the ways that were horrible and disgusting.What would Mary say?She would probably laugh and call bullshit.Lily shuddered to think what would happen when it was revealed to be true.
Next to her,Remus was thinking about much the same things.Himself and Sirius had kissed far too many times.Sirius said it was just for the girls.To quote him ‘Glad I can do this with you,Moony.Mary says I’m a brilliant kisser’.
Everytime Sirius brought up Mary McDonald,Remus had to fight the urge to throw up.He liked Mary,she was sweet and fun to be around,but he just couldn’t deal with the fact his Sirius was doing ‘things’ with Lily’s Mary.
Yes,it was selfish and downright strange to call Sirius ‘his’,and probably Mary ‘Lily’s’,but he didn’t give two fucking shits.He had done so much for Sirius,had confessed so fucking much,so why was this any different?
He knew what Sirius’ family was like,how’d he certainly freak out if he knew how Remus felt.Remus didn’t want to freak Sirius out.Make him feel like some sick fuck,too.So he’d leave it.
He’d let Sirius kiss him and run his hands through his hair and lean over his shoulder,reading whatever book Remus had occupied himself with,he’d let Sirius have that.He deserved it after all.
Sirius deserved the world and fuck everyone if they thought Remus wouldn’t give it to him.Even if it meant always being the second choice.
After all,who would hold him in his arms after the nightmares?Remus.Who would sing Bowie at the top of their lungs with him?I think you can guess who.
Remus was an extremely bitter person.He’d been told by a few people,but when it came to the elder Black boy he was nothing but docile.
Remus snapped out of his thoughts and turned to Lily.‘Let’s go,’ his voice cracked slightly,but Lily decided against mentioning it.After all,she understood the pain he felt.The pain of your heart being torn out of your fucking chest.
Tonight was going to be a fucking shitshow.Lily doubted their eyes would stay completely dry.
‘I’ve booze in the dorm.It’s James’ but…’ Remus began to walk towards the boys dorm.It wasn’t hard to get into and Lily was willing to take the risk of getting caught.She just couldn’t be alone with her thoughts.
Before Lily left the Common Room,completely,she took a last look around.Marlene was staring right back at her.
She smiled slightly and Marlene looked uncomfortable.She had most certainly the wrong idea.
After a few seconds,Marlene wiggled her eyebrows,suggestively,and Lily turned away,a blush spreading over her face like a forest fire.
Once she crossed the threshold she felt as though she could breathe.She could breathe for the first time in hours.
The party had started relatively well.Herself and Mary were fine until Sirius Black showed up.
‘Oh,there’s Sirius,’ Mary has whispered in Lily’s ear and Lily knew what was to come.
Sirius strode up to the two of them and pulled Mary in for a long,theatrical kiss.When Mary pulled away,she was giggling.It was frankly pathetic,Lily had thought and then felt horrible for her bitterness.
What followed was Lily drinking cheap beer while she watched Mary and Sirius fool about.Marlene kept glancing from her to them.She wasn’t the only one.
Dorcas Meadowes had noticed and had one eyebrow raised in utter confusion.
Lily was immune to these glances and stares as she wallowed in self pity,watching them fuck about like idiots.
The party was hell and God,was Lily happen to be somewhere remotely quiet and calm.
‘Uh,sit wherever you want,’ Remus waved an absent-minded hand as he began to root around for something.
Lily sat,gingerly,on the end of a bed which she assumed was Remus’.All the others had things hung up and all this one had was an extremely small Bowie poster.
Remus turned to Lily,brandishing a bottle.’Found it,’ he said,smiling.
Lily laughed.Typical of them to have drink in their room.It was just so fitting.
‘Why am I not surprised?’ Remus feigned being hurt by this.
Then he took up a seat next to her.He took a swig from the bottle.
The liquid burned his throat as it went down.Tears stung his eyes,and it wasn’t from the drink.
‘Here,’ he handed the bottle to Lily and watched as she took a swig.He found he could learn to like Lily if he ever needed to pretend for a while.
He was extremely paranoid about people finding out about him being gay.It was irrational sure,he never gave people reason to think otherwise,but he was convinced everyone secretly knew.
He wondered if they said things about him behind his back.Called him a queer or something.
Maybe Lily could help him hide that.He knew that was wrong to think,considering James’ pure love for her but he couldn’t help himself.
Lily was like him.She would need security as well,if people would become suspicious.After all,she had never had a boyfriend,to Remus’ knowledge.Even Marlene McKinnon had had one.
‘Hey,Remus,’ Lily sighed and Remus knew they were about to genuinely talk.’Are you,you know?’
Remus wasn’t expecting her to be so outright,it shocked him into silence.He weighed his options.Telling Lily would be beneficial.
‘Yes,’ he answered,simply.He felt as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.’Are you?’
Lily nodded,and took another swig of the bottle.
Remus held his hand out and felt the smooth,cold glass against his palm.He gripped the bottle and brought it to his mouth.He took a giant swig.He would need some extra courage for tonight,he could feel it.
‘D’you think Mary likes Sirius?A lot,’ Lily asked,sounding extremely vulnerable.Remus thought she did but this would break Lily’s heart.‘Tell me the truth’.
Remus licked his lips.When had things become so complicated?And for God’s sake,why couldn’t he be normal?He hated being a freak.
‘In all honesty,I don’t know.They’re always off with eachother,’Remus replied.That was a safe choice,he decided.Would keep Lily from being overly upset about the whole thing.
Remus reached a hand into his pocket and pulled out a packet of fags.He didn’t think Lily smoked,but maybe one would help.
‘Want one?’ He offered,shaking the fag pack about.
Lily didn’t smoke.In all honesty,she disliked the stuff.She knew Marlene smoked but always wondered why.Tonight seemed like a perfect night to find out.
‘Yes,please,’ Remus opened up the packet and passed her one.He usually smoked rollies but he always carried some ready-rolled too.
Lily placed it between her lips.The feel of the cigarette was strange and exciting between her lips.
Remus held a lighter up to the tip and flicked it on.The flame caught and Lily breathed in.
She didn’t particularly like the taste.Nevertheless,she exhaled,coughing slightly.
Remus began to laugh as her cough raised in intensity.’Christ,Evans,it’s just a fag,’ he doubled over,laughs wracking his tall frame.
‘Fuck off,’ Lily said,playfully,once the cough subsided.She shoved his soldier,smiling.
Remus thought of something.Maybe it was the alcohol talking but he was curious.He wondered what kissing a girl would be like.Properly.
He’d only ever had a peck on the lips and was embarrassed about it.
Lily was much the same.She had never actually kissed a boy,like in any way.She was branded snooty for this but she just genuinely had no interest.
‘Lily,’ Remus spoke,softly,as though testing the waters.This tone of voice peaked Lily’s interest for it was deadly serious.It contained barely a trace of heartbreak,and she was curious as to what was to escape the Gryffindor’s mouth.’Have you ever kissed a boy?’
It was not the question Lily had been expecting.She’d been expecting something either about Sirius or something completely off-topic.This,though on of the two was unprecedented.
Lily blushed,embarrassed for what she was to speak into existence.’Uhm,no,’ she giggled awkwardly and Remus threw a lopsided smile her way.
‘Me neither,’ Remus realised the implications of what he’d said and coughed.’I mean,a girl.Never properly kissed one,you know?Bit of a hassle,in all honesty’.
Lily appreciated Remus.He was tough and sarcastic but also the sweetest boy she’d ever had the pleasure of knowing.His extensive music knowledge was incredibly interesting,though others may describe it as tiresome.
Lily was envious of his sweater collection and his book collection.She had wanted to be one of Remus’ friends since she’d first laid eyes on his tall frame.It wasn’t some sort of romantic feeling that coursed through her that day,just one of pure childish platonic emotions.
He was very intelligent,and worked hard.He found some of his friends antics childish and Lily had once seen him smack Sirius over the head with a book,rolling his eyes and grumbling.This made Lily appreciate him more.
The boys were lovely but,truth be told,they could be annoying.Much like all teenage boys,really.
If Lily ever had to kiss a boy,she hoped it would be Remus.He would certainly be a nice kiss (for a boy).Not that Lily ever wanted to kiss him,but if she ever wanted to try it.
She’d kissed Mary a fuckton of times.Her lips were soft and she always wore a thin layer of lipgloss,not too much so as to make it irksome.Mary said it was just practice for boys but Lily believed nothing could be better.She just couldn’t imagine it.
Now,though,maybe she had a chance to test her theory and see whether the whole boy craze thing was reasonable.She half-hoped that it’s where Remus was going with his impromptu choice of words.
‘Look,obviously you can say no if you want and don’t feel bad,yeah?But I was wondering,’ here he paused and took a deep breath,’if maybe you wanted to kiss me’.
Remus appreciated Lily,much like she appreciated him.She had many distinctive qualities that made her an absolute delight to be around.
She was always interested in what he had to say.She never told him to put a lid on it when he discussed music or books.She hung on to his every word and in turn,he did the same.He often wished there conversations were longer and more frequent.Especially considering the fact they’d become increasingly more infrequent as months passed.
Whenever she sat down to talk to Remus she’d bring him a cup of tea and if he already had one,he’d still accept it gratefully.She didn’t ever comment on how close himself and Sirius sometimes were.She just looked on,fondly and would then continue some critique or other of some book they’d both read.
She always said hello to him,and he found that endearing.After all,she wasn’t inclined to.Truth be told,he’d missed Lily and her stupid hat that she insisted on wearing.
He’d missed her lighthearted chuckle when he’d make a witty comment.He loved her,but not in the way any other boy would’ve.He just couldn’t love her in the way he so desperately wanted.For that,he was awfully upset.
After the question,Lily had spent a few seconds thinking.Remus was acutely aware of the cogs turning in her brain,hidden beneath thick,red hair.
‘I think that would be nice,’ she finally replied,smiling softly at him.
Remus was unsure how to approach such a situation.Should he lean in first or would Lily be more suited to initiating the kiss?
Luckily,Lily answered this for him as she leaned in,her eyes closing.Their lips met.
Lily’s lips were soft and they moved quite well against Remus’s own.But,they didn’t connect like magnets.Not like Sirius’ did.
Remus’ lips were rough in comparison to Mary’s and truth be told,Lily was not understanding why girls went feral over this.
It was a mediocre act.Nothing like how Mary’s lips felt like a kiss from an angel.Not like how Mary’s fingers would graze across her cheek.
Lily made the move to deepen the kiss,deciding to go the full way.This obviously shocked Remus and he pulled away.
His lips were parted,slightly as he inhaled.’That was,uhm,interesting,’ Lily broke the silence which had descended upon them.Remus met her eye and he felt chuckles rising up his throat.
They both collapsed into peals of laughter.That had been a strange experience.So strange,in fact,it felt perfectly right to shit themselves with laughter.
‘I somehow don’t think boys are me thing,’ Lily managed to gasp out,trying to stop the laughter taking over he body again.
Remus shook his head ‘yeah,I think girls and I don’t mix’.
Of course,Remus used perfect grammar in such a situation.It made Lily laugh ever harder.Remus swatted her shoulder.
‘Oh,shut it.Wouldn’t surprise me if you wrote Mary little love notes akin to Shakespeare,’ they were both very obviously drunk,which made everything seem funnier.
Lily gasped,pretending to be offended.’Says the one,’ she said.’Oh,Sirius,boobear I do love you so.I think I shall die if I do not see you after potions today.For you know how much I crave you’.
Lily dramatically flopped one the floor and a threw a hand up.If they hadn’t been drunk they would’ve probably been very uncomfortable with someone knowing about them being in love with their respective bestfriends.Maybe,though,Remus and Lily were too alike to care much for secrecy.
Their laughter died down.The party still raged on outside the door,which they were unaware of until they stopped laughed.
The mood became quite sombre again.
‘Remus,’ Lily whispered out.’Do you think Mary and Sirius will last?’
Remus took out another the bottle as he pondered his answer.He would almost certainly have a fucking horrible hangover tomorrow morning.
‘The truth?No,and I’m not just saying that,’ he eventually sighed.‘They’re both too fucking dramatic’.
Lily smiled at this,a lazy smile brought on by too much to drink.This gave her some peace of mind.She didn’t stop to think that maybe Remus was a tad biased,considering the situation at hand.
‘I’m glad you think so.Not that Mary would ever want me how I want her,’ Lily became slightly subdued,a hundred thoughts swirling around her brain,clouded by alcohol.
‘Do you think it’s a sin,Remus?To want someone so badly that you will wait for them and do whatever they need?’ Lily bit her lip before continuing.’Especially since I’m a girl and so is she.Why wasn’t I born a boy,Remus?’
Remus looked down at her,still lying on the floor.
‘I wish Sirius was a girl,’ his voice cracked and he took another swig from the bottle.He had never wished for anything more than for Sirius to be a girl.A girl that he could lover,freely,without being on the sidelines or without hating himself.Why was life so fucking difficult?
He wasn’t sure if he was a sin,himself but he sure as fuck knew that his feelings were.For God’s sake,he wasn’t even religious,so why did he care?He knew Lily was so it made sense.
Maybe he just hated being ignored.Maybe that was why he’d grown to hate himself.At this stage,who knew?Who even cared?All he wanted to do was drink.
‘Hey,Lils,want some?’ He waved the bottle down and Lily’s fingers grasped around the neck of the bottle.She sat up and gulped it down.
‘Why us,Remus?What did we ever do to deserve this?’ And of course Remus knew what she was talking about.He wished he was oblivious enough to think it was anything else,but no he knew.He would always know,or would always assume whenever ambiguous words such as those were uttered.
‘God had some really fucked up plan for us,s’pose,’ Remus always knew how to make Lily feel better,even if it was only by a slight margin.
‘Fuck him,’ Lily laughed.’Really fucked up there,huh?’ She spoke to the ceiling and Remus raised the bottle.
‘Amen to that,’ it would have made Lily’s parents shudder in disgust but she didn’t even care.She was well beyond rational thinking.
‘Wanna go back out there?’ Lily slurred,and Remus raised an eyebrow.It was fucking insane,yes she was aware,but she wanted to see what had changed.
Remus took another swift from the bottle and placed it on a bedside table.’Fuck it,yeah we should’.
Remus held out his hand and Lily gripped it.‘Might as well give these fuckers a show,eh?’
Remus let go of Lily’s hand to open the door and acted as some sort of butler.A very drunk one,at that.
Lily reached for his hand again and Remus smirked.Then Lily remember James.How heartbroken he’d be.
‘Look,I agree this would be funny,but James,’ and Remus realised that for once he’d only been thinking of himself.It made him feel selfish but quite good.Sirius always said he cared too much about others and not enough about himself.
‘Shit,you’re right.Still,doesn’t mean we can’t breathe the life back into this party’.
It was true,the party was starting to deflate.Remus slammed the door.Extremely.Fucking.Loudly.
Some people turned around at the bang and the others soon followed.
He looked over at James and it was like they had some telepathic connection.James knew what he had to do.
‘LET’S FUCKING PARTY PEOPLE,’ and that did it.The music was turned up loud,once again.
Lily pulled Remus into the centre and they danced.They kept a safe,friendly distant between them.
Still,they danced,drunker than they’d probably ever been.After all,God knows what had been in that bottle.It was Sirius’ ‘special mix.Sounded utterly terrifying.
People were laughing and elated once more and began to dance,once again.
All thoughts of their conversation was thrown from their brains but Lily knew,deep down,tomorrow it would be back.It would pelt her like stones and scar her once she realised she had confessed all feelings.
Still,they’d promised eachother to make a show and forget.They’d promised to dance and give this fuckers a show they’d never forget,because they were typically shy people.
Give those fuckers a show was exactly what they did.