Sorting
It was almost time. Almost time until everything he was reared to be would be put at stake. Tested. Like his brother's, like Sirius'. Regulus felt his fingers practically shaking as his mind swarmed with the events that followed this day, one year ago. He remembered it all. The way his mother had immediately known, had immediately reacted, had immediately turned his way. For the past year, he had been trying to shake it off and ignore the what could have been's as he somehow twisted the world into an illusion in where nothing changed and Sirius was still his and his mother was harsh but not unreasonable and everything was okay and normal and like it should be.
But not even one second into walking inside Hogwarts, everything started spilling out from the corners of his mind that he had begged for them to remain in. His mother's screaming. Toujours Pur. His mother's hand crawling through his brain every night when he was asleep, feeding him whispers. Toujours Pur. His mother's steps fading away as he lay curled on the floor, tiny lines hiding inside his calves. Toujours Pur. His mother's hisses as she tore the letters in front of him, cursing a James Potter, with pitiful eyes almost daring Regulus to ask "where are mine?" Why did Sirius not write to him? He promised. Toujours Pur. Bellatrix. Rodolphus. Lucius. All of them standing over him. All of them having their eyes set on him. Because Sirius Black was gone and why waste energy on a boy who grew with a wish to escape when they have another here -- when they have him here. Toujours Pur.
"Oi, get a move on Black." A nudge and the familiar voice of Evan Rosier put a temporary halt onto the flood occurring inside his mind. Regulus let out a tight smile as he met the excited eyes of his friend. "People are going to start thinking you're like one of them --"
Regulus followed the taller boy's gaze to a group of first years gawking at the candles floating above them. "Muggleborns." He muttered. It would be the first time he would be around them for long. His brother loved them. Sirius, he painfully remembered, would force him to sneak out on adventures into muggle theatres and museums and shops because that would be the only way to keep Kreacher quiet. Muggles were odd, he had concluded every single time they returned back to the Black Manor. But lucky, he supposed. Ignorance is bliss.
"Black. Seriously mate, stop blocking the rest of us." Regulus blinked away the moments teasing to escape and nodded as Evan's chatter filled the air surrounding them. "I wonder if they'll put us in dorms close by. Father has made arrangements, and I presume your mother has as well, but I don't know if the quack of a -- woah,"
The doors to the Great Hall had opened ajar, and a silence of awe had fallen over the first years, muggleborn and pureblood alike. It was nothing like what he had expected. Nothing like his mother had said. The warmth, the students sitting with friends and dressed up in house colors, the sheer excitement escaping from it all. He wondered what it would be like to feel excited for a sorting and not hear the same two words chanting in his mind, over and over and over again. Toujours Pur.
Evan had resumed his droning as the first years began to move into the hall. Regulus kept his gaze forward, not daring to look anywhere else, not daring to wish and hope and dream all the things that he had pushed away for the past year. The first years stood in two rows in front of the hat, and Regulus could no longer listen to Evan - or to any of the Professors or the Headmaster or the hat as it began to talk. They were all too happy for a moment that tore his brother away from him a year ago, and that forced Regulus into an immobile state. At least he was going to get this done with quickly.
He was right. The singing of the hat and students had stopped, and four names had passed before that stupid hat gave its gleeful chuckle as the name Regulus Black echoed throughout the Great Hall, bringing with it a hush of silence. Every student had turned aware, and he could already imagine the things that would be going through their minds.
Regulus Black? Like Sirius Black?
Is he going to do the same thing Sirius did? Is he like his older brother?
Regulus Black's their last chance - the Black family's. What would they do if he, too, got put into Gryffindor?
That, Regulus bit the inside of his cheek as he heard Evan's whoop from down the line, is exactly what makes this all the worse. He was Plan B for them, for his family, and there was no alternate plan if he failed. As he stepped out from the line, the silence was overtaken by hushed whispers. He could feel the eyes boring into his back. Slytherin was in the far left and no doubt would Narcissa be watching him, ready to report to his mother exactly what occurred in this stupid sorting. Regulus swallowed and made the three paces up the steps towards the stool hosting the Sorting Hat. Professor McGonagall stood beside it as she motioned for him to turn around - to face the students. To face -
"Sirius Black's brother? Tsk tsk tsk, what do we have here?" The hat had not even been placed onto his head, and it already begun rattling off his entire family history. Clearly the hat had nothing better do to after being locked up for the other 364 days of the year. "My how rude you are! I am not locked up for the rest of the year!"
Regulus said nothing. Kept his gaze on the chandelier a few paces away from him. He saw Cissy from the corner of his eye, her blond curls stark against the black robes. But he could not - would not - turn to the right. He would not dare to find him. Not when his brother probably couldn't care less that they were now at the same school. Sirius had that James Potter.
"What a bitter heart you have, Regulus Arcturus Black. Quite like the load of your kind." The hat spoke again, and the right table erupted with laughter. Don't look. Toujours Pur. Don't look. Toujours Pur. Don't. Look. "Hmm, Mr. Black, hmmm. What house would you like exactly."
I don't know. I don't know. "You figure that out." He snapped back. How long until this is over?
"Very well then." The hat chuckled, taking a long pause. "Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, Slytherin. Which will it be? Oh which will it be? Should you go to Gryffindor - like your dear older brother? Are you courageous enough? Bold enough?"
No.
"No?" The hat let out another chuckle. "I will do you the favor of taking away two of your options - Gryffindor and Hufflepuff. But what shall it be? Ravenclaw or Slytherin? Slytherin or Ravenclaw?"
Merlin, when would this be over? He looked down from the chandelier for a moment, catching the restless glances and quick whispers of the students before him. How long has it been? Why won't this stupid hat choose? Regulus felt the hat speak once more but he couldn't listen any longer because he knew what this meant. He was already preparing for his mother's owler. Toujours Pur. Toujours Pur. Toujours Pur.
Regulus felt his insides swimming. All he wanted to do was to run away. Wipe the memory of everyone here. Let them forget about this. But he was stuck. He couldn't move if he wanted to. What if he wouldn't get chosen? What if he wouldn't be chosen? What if? Toujours Pur. Toujours Pur. Toujours Pur. Regulus swallowed it all back. The hat was talking again, but he couldn't listen. It was still deciding and what if it never did? What if he never --
Oh.
There he was.
His brother's dark curls - a mirror of Regulus' own - were shielding his eyes. But Regulus knew Sirius was looking at him. And Regulus stared back because if he wasn't going to be sorted, he might as well see the face of his brother's he had barely seen over the summer - his mother determined to keep them apart. Regulus stayed like that for a bit. The hat droning on, Regulus' eyes on Sirius. Sirius' eyes on Regulus. Until a nudge from Sirius' right side ripped his gaze away.
James fucking Potter.
The boy's unruly hair mixed with Sirius' once perfect curls as he whispered something. Sirius looked back at Regulus. And laughed.
He was going to strangle three people today. Himself, that wretched hat, and James fucking Potter.
And suddenly the students in front of him rippled in applause. The hat had chosen. He was chosen. He was okay. But Regulus had not been listening and the hat had said the house name, but he had not been listening.
Regulus searched for Sirius' gaze again but was met with the disappointed glint in his brother's grey eyes. And in that moment, he knew that his mother would be sighing with relief when she opened her letter from Cissy. Regulus stood up as Professor McGonagall took the hat off from him, turning to the left table. Slytherin.
He did what he was supposed to do. But why did it feel as if everything was all wrong?
Toujours Pur.
I'm sorry.
Toujours Pur.
I'm sorry.
He could barely feel Narcissa's thin arm wrap around his shoulder. He could barely hear the hollers of Barty Crouch as the boy made his way to him five names later. He could barely hear Evan blurting out paragraphs about the longest hatstall in Hogwarts history . He could barely remember how he found his way up to his dorm. How he changed. Or fell asleep.
He did all that was needed of him. But why did it still feel as if it wasn't enough?
Toujours Pur.
I'm sorry.