Chapter 1
There was a knock on the door.
"Moony! I've got to pee!"
Remus lifted his head away from the toilet seat and quickly whipped his eyes.
"Moony come oooon!!" Said Sirius in a desperate whisper. "I really need to go."
Remus managed to move himself closer to the bathroom door.
"What is it, Sirius?"
"Mate, I've been waiting for you to be done for over twenty minutes. If you don't let me in right now I'm afraid that my bladder is going to burst."
"Uh..yeah, sorry, just give me a minute."
"Hurry please!!"
Remus didn't panic. This wasn't the first time he had been rushed through the process. He had to suppress his nerves, get the job done.
He got on his feet and flushed the toilet. He sprayed some air freshener, opened a window and cleaned up the rest of the mess.
While he was cleaning his hands he noticed his reflection staring back at him. "Fuck."
His face was swollen, his eyes were red and puffy. He was visibly dehydrated.
"Reemuuus."
"I'm coming, Sirius." He dried his hands with a towel and went to open the door. If he was lucky enough to go unnoticed by Sirius, he would at least be able to have a quiet night of sleep.
On the other hand, if Sirius happened to be completely awake and aware of his surroundings, well- he didn't want to think about it.
He scanned the room for any remaining traces of his purging and unlocked the door for Sirius.
The boy rushed into the bathroom to lift the toilet seat.
"Night" Remus said quickly and moved past him, trying hard not to be seen.
Sirius didn't answer. He was probably too busy trying not to pee on his way to the toilet.
Remus walked barefoot to his bed, feeling the hard, wooden flooring under his feet. He hated that floor, people could always tell when he got up. The boards were all old and noisy.
He sat on his bed and looked out the foggy window. His throat hurt and his stomach was starting to rumble.
He lay on his back staring at the ceiling, waiting for Sirius to be done.
After a minute or so he heard the boy flush and walk back to his bed.
This was it for Remus. How it usually happened with him. His esophagus burning and his insides empty. A terrible yet freeing moment. A moment when he could finally feel like he was in control, like he could see through the eyes of a person with self-restraint. The was, because Remus had no self-restraint. No matter how hard or for how long he tried he would always mess it up.
Eating was neither a chore nor a pleasure, yet he somehow never seemed to be able to built a healthy relationship with it. It was always either all or nothing.
Stress, boredom and disappointment being the main triggers, he would always either starve himself for days by creating a fully detailed diet plan containing of almost nothing, stop caring, meaning he ate anything he wanted, or continuously purge of guilt.
How purging had become such a strong irreversible habit, he couldn't tell. He just learned that by trying to prevent it, he always made it worse.
As far as he knew, muggles where the ones to study such behaviours, alike his. Wizards probably never felt the need to go around naming every little human behaviour that they found slightly out of the ordinary. Wizards wouldn't make a big deal out of this. Most of them didn't even know that people like Remus existed. That's why Remus decided to ignore the disorder. That, and the fact that from all the eating disorders to exist, his was not the one he would have chosen to have. The one he had to deal with, felt ever more unhelpful than helpful.
He was tired. Tired of hiding. Tired of the pain. Tired of the way he felt about himself. He needed help.
Remus turned to his side and closed his eyes.
'Every night's the same' he thought.
He was right. Every night he would go to bed feeling empty. No feelings, just fatigue. He would promise that he needed to make some sort of change and that he'd make better decisions in the morning, only to wake up having forgotten his own promise and hating himself even more.
His head ached. He rubbed his temples.
His actions were slowly destroying him, but he couldn't see it quite yet, so what he did, is what he always did best. He let himself get destroyed.