Chapter 2
The next morning Remus woke up extremely dehydrated.
He heard james getting ready for quidditch practice and guessed it was probably about six o'clock. He coughed a bit, clearing his throat and grabbed his wand to cast tempus.
It was 6:27.
"Moony? That you?" James whispered.
Remus pulled open his bed curtain and waved at James hello.
"I thought that was you. Did i wake you mate? I'm just really late for practice."
"No, you're good. I just needed to use the loo."
"Oh, okay then." James gave him a rushed smile and continued looking for his things. "Accio cape!" He said quietly and a red cape with golden details came flying from the other side of the room.
Remus stretched his arms over his head and pushed the covers to the side, sliding his legs off the bed so his feet touched the floor."
He didn't actually need to use the bathroom, but then again he didn't want James to feel guilty about waking him up. It wasn't his fault anyway. Remus was a light sleeper.
"Moony you're probably the only person I know besides my grandparents to wear socks in bed." James laughed and Remus turned to look at his feet. He was wearing a pair of fluffy dark purple socks.
"Why do you even do it? You never used to do it before."
"I don't know Prongs. I guess- I'm having a harder time warming up compared to when I was younger. I can't really sleep without them"
"Well it makes sense since you're so huge now. I mean, compared to us anyway. But it's still pretty funny to me" he smiled and checked on his things.
'Huge' Remus thought and closed his eyes. He took a breath, got to his feet and turned, making his way to the bathroom.
Then, he stopped. His vision slowly blackened and his limbs started to go numb.
He could tell he didn't have enough time to go lay down so he stayed were he was, feeling his heartbeat getting faster by the second.
"Alright, so I'm going to practice." James whispered, not realising that Remus wasn't paying attention.
"See you at breakfast then?" He grabbed his quidditch sack and turned to look at Remus.
"Moony?"
By now, Remus was sitting on the floor, head between his knees and hands on its side.
"Merlin's beard!" Said James and let his things back down.
"What's happened mate? He asked nervously, kneeling beside his friend.
Remus groaned. He was finally starting to snap out of it.
"Did you fall? I-I swear I didn't hear you fall."
"No. It's- I'm fine." Remus opened his eyes and slowly raised his head.
"What do you mean fine? Why are you on the floor?" James asked.
"Yeah, sorry. I just got lightheaded for a second."
"Are you sure that's it? When I get lightheaded I don't usually end up on the floor." he hesitated.
James saw that Remus was about to stand up and offered him his hand for stability.
Remus ignored it and got to his feet by himself.
"Yes. Sorry for the drama." He answered and started to walk to the bathroom again.
"Are you sure sure you don't need anything?" James looked a bit confused.
"Have a good practice Prongs." Remus turned to faintly smile at him and quietly closed the bathroom door behind him.
"Okay" the boy still with hesitation. "See you all later then."
~~~
Remus leaned on the wood of the closed door behind him and shut his eyes. It felt like life was a never-ending headache.
So many times he had to pretend that he was fine and not ready to pass out. To ignore the symptoms until all he could see were patches of blackness.
He took his time getting ready since there was no hope for going back to sleep.
Brushing his teeth felt as refreshing as drinking water after mint flavoured chewing gum.
Last night he had gone to sleep with acid on his teeth and blood on his throat, since Sirius had interrupted him. It was neither the first, nor the last time this had happened during a purge but it was usually expected, considering he lived and shared a bathroom with three other people.
He washed up and avoided his reflection in the mirror as he changed into his uniform. He left the bathroom, grabbed his wand and gloves and carefull not to wake his friends, walked out of their room to the main Gryffindor staircase.
The fireplace lit dimly, creating a melancholic atmosphere in the common room. No one was awake quite yet.
Remus truly wished the castle temperature was a bit higher. Despite it being almost March, the castle walls held deep within them a dry, icy cold, as if it were January.
He put his hand gloves on and decided to go for a walk around the halls.
He stepped out of the old portrait on the wall and walked around until his subconsciousness led him to one of his favourite sections of Hogwarts, the library.
~~~
Whenever he was content with his school studying he would read and reread his favourite books.
He preferred the classics, and reading the same books all over again provided a sense of comfort and familiarity to him.
In simple words, the knowledge of the plotline and characters allowed him to control his thoughts and general spirit. His anxiety was relieved and he could truly sympathize with the people he read about.
Remus particularly enjoyed romance in books. If you ever asked the people who knew him, most would say he was always reading some science or ethics book. They'd be correct of course, in some cases, but he tried to hide his love for romance, at least from his roomates.
Lily Evans understood him better. The both of them shared a common interest in books. She always had a recommendation for him and sometimes she would even sneak him mugle books whenever she could.
They got along well, with Lily. Her energy was calm but exciting and she was a great study partner. They usually hung out at random, whenever they came across each other. It was an effortless relationship between them. Simple, yet meaningful.
Remus walked through the library hallways, moving towards his favourite spot by the back window. He looked around, looking to see if anyone else was up that early but he saw no one he recognised. Only a few last years preparing for their N.E.W.T.s.
He realised that he wasn't in the mood to read something. His eyeballs hurt and the headache still hadn't stopped. He sat at the seat nearest the large arched window he loved and took a look outside.
The view in front of him was of the hills behind the school and partially of the Hogwarts quidditch pitch. He saw James and the Gryffindor team beginning their practice and wondered how these people had the energy to not only wake up, but also train at this hour.
Remus secretly wished he was like James sometimes. Athletic mostly, so he wouldn't have to care about his appearance as much. With the amount of exercise quidditch players got, they always needed more energy than the average person to maintain, yet they still kept fit.
He shivered. Maybe sitting this close to the window wasn't such a good idea after all.
'Why am I like this?' he thought and moved to get up.
He walked a bit. Admiring book bindings and the general order of the library halls. It was quiet.
On his way out he saw Mary McDonald and Marlene McKinnon, two Gryffindor girls, friends of Lily's. They were going to breakfast.
"Hey Remus!" Said the shorter one, Mary. "Lily was searching for you yesterday."
"Oh." he said confused.
"Said she wanted to ask you about 'you know what' " Marlene added dramatically. "She was really excited."
"Oh right. Okay thanks." He smiled and stood a bit awkwardly, realising Lily probably wanted to talk to him about a book.
"We were headed to breakfast. Do you want to come along?" Mary asked.
"Well, I was just about to go back to the tower to grab something, but, see you guys later?"
"Sure" Mary smiled and Remus turned to make a right towards the staircase.
There was nothing he needed from the Gryffindor tower, but if he could he wanted to avoid going to breakfast.
His stomach rumbled.
'Of course you do that know' he thought.
When he reached the common room he found people preparing for the day, chatting and laughing.
"Hi mate." Said a guy sitting on a large chair, looking at Remus.
"Hey Frank, everything alright?"
"Everything's fine. You?"
"All good, thanks"
Frank nodded and Remus walked away.
He wondered how people had so much energy when they were about to have an endless nine hour school day.
Outside of the doorms he came across Lily.
"Pst. Remus!" She whispered, a huge smile plastered on her face.
"Hey Lils" he couldn't help but smile back "What's going on?"
"All fine blah blah blah- did you read it though?!" Her gleeful face was centimeters away from him.
"I- Um, I haven't particularly been in a reading mood these past few days so I haven't actually started it yet. Sorry."
She backed away a bit. He could tell she was a disappointed.
"It's okay!" She said finally. "But let me know the moment you start reading it, okay? I need to know at what stage of the story you're on so I don't accidentally spoil anything for you." She paused. "I just can't believe you've never read Wuthering Heights before."
"Don't worry Lily, I'll start it as soon as I can."
"Wonderful, I like that response." She moved closer and gave him a quick hug.
Remus shivered at the touch. Not because he was cold, but because he so rarely had physical contact. Even the marauders were more cautious around him nowadays. James, Peter and Sirius were always on top of one another playing or messing around, but apart from the occasional joke fight or head ruffle, they seemed to tiptoe around Remus most of the time.
Maybe he had too much of a temper, or maybe they thought he would possibly eat them if they annoyed him close enough to the fool moon. Or, then again, maybe they just weren't as close. He had always been a bit on the outside, at least that's what it felt like.
Lily brought him back to the present. "I'm going down for breakfast. It's nearly quarter to eight. Are you ready?"
He thought of saying he had already had breakfast, but there was a chance she would talk to Mary or Marlene about seeing him.
"I'm not that hungry today actually." He finally said looking at her.
"Nonsense." She said disapprovingly and grabbed his wrist.
"No. Really Lily, I'm not hungry." Remus removed his hand from hers.
"Alright fine, I'm sorry." He could tell she noticed his agitation. "At least come along to keep me company. Please?" She gave him her puppy dog eyes.
Remus didn't want to make her feel bad by making up another excuse, but he also couldn't admit that being around food he couldn't eat was torturous for him, so he agreed.
"Okay okay, let's go." He cracked a dishonest smile.
~~~
On their way to the great hall Lily ranted excitedly about the general plot of Wuthering Heights and the upcomming Hogsmade trip next Saturday.
As she spoke, Remus adopted the part of the listener.
They sat with her friends. Lily next to Marlene and Remus next to Mary. They seemed happy to see them for some reason. A reason that Remus failed to understand. Maybe these people just liked any form of socialising. It didn't matter who it was with.
Lily took her breakfast and Remus tried his best not to smell -or think of- the food surrounding him.
Mary and Marlene didn't stay for long, but the moment they left Lily got up, grabbed two different types of donuts and put them next to each other in the emty plate in front of Remus.
Remus could tell where this was going and he truly didn't like it. "What are you doing?" He acted confused.
"Nothing." She smirked and ate some toast.
"Okay." He answered, deciding to ignore what was going on in order to avoid any further conversation. He gazed towards the windows behind the professors' table and studied the rays of sunlight coming through the dirty glass.
"It's just, you've got to eat something. How else are you supposed to get your mysterious marauder brain going for the day?" She chuckled. "Have a donut."
He exhaled. 'All this work for nothing' he thought and removed his gloves to his coat pocket. He bit on the donut on the righ and ate slowly, chewing well.
Remus couldn't tell if this was him being realistic or him having no self control, but a part of him was sure Lily would eventually make him eat the second donut as well. She was stubborn that way. So he silently ate the second pastry and helped it down with a goblet of water.
"Happy?" He raised his hands in defeat.
"Yes sir!" She gave him a content smile. "Now I know you'll be able to keep that lot in line for the time being." She waved towards the entrance where Sirius was walking with confidence towards them and Peter was right behind him, fixing his robes and watching his step.
Remus though, was starting to realize what he had just done to himself and slowly felt his stomach starting to twist. The guilt was making him nauseous and his body was begging for him to do something about it.
He drank another cup of water and as soon as his friends reached the table and sat next to Lily and him he quickly got up and excused himself.
While he was walking between the tables he bumped into James, who -still in uniform- offered a quick hello and moved past him so he could yell "Oi Evans!" enough times until Lily finally gave him her attention.
~~~
He couldn't believe he'd done it again.
He rushed through the halls and reached the common room, then the doorms and finally, the bathroom.
He looked in the mirror. He was disgusted. Why had Lily made him eat those things? Just to prove him wrong? To show him how weak he was?
No.
No, actually.
No one had made him eat anything. It was him. He ate the food, it was his fault, again. It was always his fault. He could have denied. He could have made up an excuse, a stupid stomach ache or having too much dinner the night before. Hell, he could have at least eaten something else! Some fruit, or toast, or some yogurt, but no! It had to be chocolate. Stupid. Fucking. Chocolate. And he couldn't help himself because he was useless. Completely useless. Pathetic, really.
And because of that, he had to suffer the consequences. Not that he had any other choice.
"Fuck!" He cried.
He turned the faucet on and washed his hands. The water in his stomach should have been absorbed by now.
He turned around, leaned over the toilet bowl and shoved two of his fingers down his throat trying to trigger his gag reflex.
With each purge, he noticed, it became even more apparent that the time when he would not be able to reach deep enough in his throat was approaching quickly.
He did his best on emptying his stomach and spit the remaining saliva and fluids out of his mouth.
He washed up and cleaned after himself -air freshener and everything- and went to unlock the bathroom door, only to realise that on his way in, he hadn't actually locked it.
"Amazing." He whispered ironically to himself and left the room to go get some water and chewing gum from his nightstand.
After all, lessons were beginning soon and he reckoned he had a few minutes before his friends started to get back from breafast.
It was a bad start to his day -though not an unusual one- but it made no difference anymore. Things had changed.
The challenge was: How long can Remus survive this hell without killing himself in the process.
He heard Sirius's distinct laughter coming from downstairs and knew his recovery time had been cut short. He wiped his eyes and put his gloves on to cover his irritated skin. His friends were coming.