Chapter 3
Another month passed and nothing changed. Remus did his best to act normally around his friends, especially Sirius, but he knew he was spending more and more time holed up in the library. He didn’t really think his friends would be upset if he was gay. They hadn’t even been upset when he turned out to be a werewolf. But there was this nagging voice in the back of his head that showed up in the worst moments and made him imagine how much they would hate him. And, of course, there was the fact that Sirius was the one he kept thinking of. It was one thing to learn your friend was gay, it was another to learn they thought of you shirtless during charms class.
One Monday night, after dinner, the three of them cornered Remus before he could sneak off to one of his hiding places until curfew.
“Alright Moony, what’s wrong?” James asked. Remus opened his mouth to sputter out some excuse but Sirius cut him off before he could.
“And don’t make up some half-thought-through lie. You’ve barely talked to any of us for an entire month. Evans even asked Prongs if you were sick,” he said. He was looking right into Remus’ eyes, refusing to back down. It was something Sirius did a lot, though Remus never saw him do it to other people in quite the same way.
“She did?” Remus asked. James nodded.
“Why are you avoiding all of us? We’re your friends, if something’s wrong then you can tell us,” James said. Peter nodded in agreement. Sirius hadn’t broken his stare.
“It’s— I’m just— I’m just studying,” Remus stuttered out. “I’m taking more classes than you all, you know, and I have much more homework. And prefects duties and things and just… things…” he trailed off. Sirius huffed. He looked around to make sure the corridor was empty.
“Is it because of what happened this summer?” he asked.
“What?” Remus’ voice was sharp now. He was staring back at Sirius who’s gaze had gotten more hesitant. He didn’t want James and Peter to know that the transformations were getting more painful. That he had nearly bled out from his wounds over the summer. That he had spent a month in St. Mungo’s because his father couldn’t fix him up properly.
“What happened this summer?” James asked, looking back and forth between Sirius and Remus. Remus didn’t look at him. He kept his eyes trained on Sirius who seemed to be debating with himself.
“Have they gotten even worse? Since then?” Sirius finally asked. A look of realization spread across Jame’s face. Peter still looked confused.
“No,” Remus lied. “I’m fine.”
In reality, each full moon had gotten progressively worse since that first really bad one over the summer holiday. Usually James and Sirius and even Peter, small as he was, made the long nights easier. He didn’t hurt himself as much when they were around and they kept him from hurting anybody else. But it hadn’t made a difference during the last two full moons. Remus had woken up with just as many cuts and bruises as he had gotten before his friends had found out, maybe even more. And they bled horribly.
“Is that why Madam Promfrey kept you in the hospital wing for so long last time?” James asked.
“No, it’s nothing,” Remus growled, trying to shove his way between James and Peter.
“Remus.”
Remus froze. Sirius had spoken so softly that Remus had barely heard him. His name bounced around in his head, repeating itself in Sirius’ voice as if it was the only way it had ever been spoken. He stopped pushing and let his head droop, refusing to let any of them see the tears forming in his eyes.
“Talk to us, please,” Sirius said, his voice low. Remus could feel the three boys' eyes on him. He shook his head.
“It’s nothing,” he whispered. He felt the familiar prickle in the back of his throat. A warning of the tears soon to come. He gave Peter a good shove, knocking him out of the way, and practically ran to the library. None of them followed.
Thursday morning he left the dormitory early and went to find Lily in the great hall. He hadn’t spoken to any of them since Monday unless absolutely necessary. James had tried to talk to him but Remus had ignored him until he went away. Peter dithered around as usual, not sure what to say or think. Remus had caught Sirius watching him multiple times but he never spoke, simply blinked and looked away.
Lily was sitting next to a girl Remus didn’t know and eating her usual seven o’ clock jam and toast. The girl had short, tightly curled black hair and was wearing a bright shade of pink lipstick that contrasted with her deep brown skin. She was showing Lily what Remus assumed was her own sketchbook. From what Remus could see she was a very good artist.
“Morning Remus, feeling alright?” Lily said when Remus sat down across from her.
“Fine, just had a late night is all,” he said. He hadn’t slept more than thirty minutes consecutively. The bags under his eyes were even darker than usual.
“This is Mary, by the way. She’s a fourth year transfer student from Beauxbatons,” Lily said. Mary gave Remus a shy wave and Remus returned it.
“Listen, Lily, I need to talk to Marlene and Dorcas. Or just one of them, it doesn’t have to be both,” Remus said, leaning across the table and lowering his voice. Lily put her toast down and looked Remus up and down.
“Any particular reason?” she asked, the suspicion clear in her voice.
“Um, I haven’t seen them in a while. I want to catch up,” Remus said, hurriedly. Mary was looking between him and Lily curiously. Lily was looking at him funny. Remus didn’t blame her, he probably looked like the human incarnation of mental illness.
“Right. I’ll tell them you’re looking for them when I see them, then,” Lily said, flicking her bright red plait over her shoulder and returning to her toast.
“Thank you,” Remus said, standing to leave.
“Are you sure you’re alright, Remus?” Lily asked.
“I’m fine,” Remus said, mustering what he hoped was a sunny grin.
“Mm,” Lily said. “See you later then.” She returned to her toast and to Mary’s sketchbook. Remus gave Mary another wave goodbye.
Remus found out Marlene and Dorcas were dating when he found them in the library kissing before study group last year. He had assured them he would never tell anyone and from then on they, and Lily, had become quite friendly with him. Marlene was a shorter girl, even shorter than Lily, with blonde hair she kept styled almost the same as Sirius did. She constantly got in trouble with some of the older professors—namely Professor Slughorn—for wearing the boys uniform rather than the girls. Dorcas, on the other hand, was much taller and was always coming up with a new way to make her uniform look better than anyone else’s. Her hair was usually pulled back into two puffs, sometimes adorned with different hair clips with miniature moving animals on them, and she was amazing at doing makeup.
The two girls found Remus in the library around noon. Marlene draped herself across the table while Dorcas sat cross legged in the chair next to Remus.
“Long time no see, Lupin,” Marlene said.
“Lily said you were looking for us,” Dorcas said. Remus nodded.
“I wanted to talk to you about, um—” Remus hesitated. He took a deep breath. He had already decided he wouldn’t tell them about Sirius, just that he wanted to figure some things out. “—about something personal.”
Marlene sat up so fast that Remus jumped.
“I knew it!” she said, a little too loudly. Somebody shushed them from the other side of the bookshelf.
“Mars!” Dorcas smacked her on the knee.
“Sorry,” Marlene whispered. “I did tell you though.”
Dorcas sighed and looked back at Remus.
“What is it?” she asked, her voice still a low whisper.
“It’s that,” Remus said, flatly. “Is it that obvious?”
“Well, you’re tall, handsome, smart, kind, and a little mysterious but you still haven’t even seemed to notice that girls exist so, yeah kinda,” Marlene said.
“It’s not obvious unless you know, really. And seeing as how we’re also gay, we know,” Dorcas said, laying a comforting, and apparently also knowing, hand on Remus’ knee.
“Um, that’s the thing though. I don’t know if I am. Or, if I am all the way. That’s why I wanted to talk to you,” Remus said. It felt like the words were being ripped from his mouth. Each one came out slightly strangled. If Marlene and Dorcas noticed they didn’t say anything. They looked at each other and seemed to agree on something. Marlene turned to Remus.
“We’re having a party, of sorts, this Saturday. Us, Lily, and a couple other friends. In the prefect's lounge at ten, if you want to come?” she said, a very pointed look on her face.
“A party?” Remus asked, confused. How was a party going to help?
“Yeah, it’ll be fun,” Dorcas said. She had the same look as Marlene.
Remus looked back and forth at the two girls. There was obviously another layer in what they were saying but Remus couldn't catch onto it. Eventually he nodded.
“I’ll see you there.”