chapter one
The house was loud and hot. The makeshift dance floor in the living room was so crowded Regulus could hardly tell where one person started and the other ended.
This wasn’t Regulus’ usual scene, but after finally getting the courage to run away from his parent’s house, Sirius thought he deserved a party in celebration. Though considering he had seen Sirius exactly one time since arriving Regulus was beginning to think it was less of a party for him and more of a party for the sake of getting drunk.
Regulus was by no means complaining, accepting whatever pink drink was shoved into his hands by Pandora. He had a slight buzz going and he was almost 100% sure the very fit blonde guy across the room was eying him off. Downing two more shots for confidence Regulus began on his path to the fit blonde guy.
“Hello there.” Fit blonde guy purred.
Regulus felt a wave of attraction wash over him. Fuck this guy was fit. He opened his mouth to say something equally hot but all that came out was pink vomit.
He wasn’t close enough to fit blonde guy for a lot of the pink vomit to land on him, thank god for small mercies, but Regulus was mortified none the less. He wanted to say sorry, or make a joke about having one to many, but people around him were beginning to notice and he could not take that level of embarrassment.
Turning on his heal Regulus partially bolted upstairs, heading straight for his brother’s room. If Sirius wasn’t going to spend time with him at the party the was supposedly dedicated to him, the least he could do was unknowingly let Regulus use his room for a mental breakdown.
He turned onto the first door on the left, slamming it shut the second he entered the room. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath. He was safe there were no fit blond guys for him to vomit on here.
“Fucking hell Regulus, what are you doing here?”
He looked up to see James Potter, a half-rolled joint in his hands, looking like sex on legs.
One thing Regulus couldn’t stand about Sirius was his undying love for James. The second they met at 11 they had been joined at the hip. Naturally when Regulus met him a year later, he was jealous and was determined to hate James and everything to do with him. That plan lasted all of three seconds because James had made a stupid joke and smiled, oh, those fucking dimples nearly caused 11-year-old to go into cardiac arrest.
Unfortunately, ten years later, James still had the same effect on Regulus.
“Oh, I’m sorry didn’t realise my brother’s room became the new VIP area. Do you have to be an arse to get on the list because that’s the only reason I can imagine you would be here.” Regulus snapped, just because he had a massive crush on the man, didn’t mean James had to know.
James laughed, short and loud.
“Did someone forget to tell you? This is my room now; Sirius chucked a sook once Remus moved in. Something like it’s unfair I got the biggest room when he had two people in his shoe box or some shit.” James explained with a smirk, “but don’t worry Reg, you can be on my VIP list anytime.”
Regulus ignored the way his cheeks flushed. Nodding, instead to the direct of the now fully rolled joint.
“Didn’t realise your coaches let you smoke.”
“Nah they don’t, something about it being bad for your health."
“That’s nonsense, utter bullocks”
James grinned at him, lighting his joint.
"So, Reg, what brings you to my humble abode?”
“I threw up pink drinks on a really fit blonde guy.”
James’ loud laughter told Regulus he was in for a long night.
-
Regulus knelt in front of the toilet, dry heaving, wishing that he had something to eat these past 24 hours so that something other than spit would come up. Standing on shaky legs, he flushed the toilet. He could hear the faint hum of whatever tv show Harry was watching in the other room. Avoiding the mirror, Regulus splashed cold water on his face. It was the second day without him and everything felt so fucking empty.
It was six in the morning and Regulus was sure Sirius and Remus would be by the house in another hour at the most. Lily, Pandora, Dorcas, Marlene, Peter, Barty, and Evan would no doubt make their arrivals at some point as well. Regulus almost went back to dry heaving over the toilet at the thought of that reunion.
It had been two days since James died. Two days since Regulus received a call from the hospital that made his heart shatter. Two days since he sat in the waiting room, numb to everything but Harry tugging on his curls. Two days since he heard the news from a greying doctor. Two days since he saw his brother fall apart in the hospital, sinking to his knees, gut wrenching sobs escaping his mouth. Two days since his world stopped. Two days since Regulus felt anything.
Now in a matter of hours, his whole house was going to be filled with well-meaning friends, feeling ever emotion under sun. Tears would be shed, hugs and cigarettes passed around. Regulus would sit there empty.
Reminding himself he had a child under his care he padded into the living room.
Kids never interested Regulus, but the second he saw James interact with his cousin Nymphadora, he was a doomed man.
Before Harry was set to be born, Regulus read every parenting book he could get his hands on. He went to parenting classes. He offered to babysit every one of his friends’ kids. Regulus did everything he could to be the best dad ever, yet it was James who was the natural. James who used the parenting books as building blocks, seeing how high he could stack them until they fell. James, who, instead of paying attention to the classes Regulus dragged him to, told crude jokes in a husky voice, trying to get Regulus as turned on as possible so they could bail.
Despite this, it was always James who understood Harry’s tantrums and emotions. He knew what they meant when Regulus was lost.
Even now, watching this 3-year-old son attempting to speak to the characters on tv, Regulus still didn’t have a fucking clue. How could Harry be so happy, having conversations with a fucking purple dinosaur.
Does he even know his dad is dead?
That was another thing Regulus hadn’t let himself think about. What happens when Harry starts asking for his dad? He was very smart and observant for a 3-year-old and if he loved one thing more than mushy peas and Barney the dinosaur, it was James.
Regulus hadn’t even accepted the fact James was gone; he was he going to tell his son?
He didn’t know how long he was standing there, but a knock the door saw that Regulus begin to move again.
Looking to see that Harry was still content, he slowly moved towards the entrance hall, dragging out every step. He hoped the walk to the door would give him a moment to prepare himself.
It didn’t.
Nothing could prepare him for what was waiting for him on the other side of the door. If Regulus’ heart hadn’t already been broken, he would have bet money on the fact that this would the trick.
The face of his brother was staring back at him, eyes full of pain only broken people were capable of holding. Expect, surely this wasn’t his brother, someone who carried the moon and the stars on this shoulder like it weighed nothing. No this wasn’t his brother, this was some fucked up, empty ghost.
The ghost of Sirius, pale and shaking, was quick to pull him into a hug.
Regulus was waiting. He was waiting for that moment when he felt the floodgate open and all his emotions would come rushing out and he wouldn’t have to feel like a heartless fuck standing there with his crying brothers arms strangling him.
“Hey Pads, why don’t why we let Regulus go?” Remus spoke so gentle, like he was scared his words would cause Sirius to fall into a thousand pieces.
Regulus’ eyes meet Remus’. This hurt the most. After years of knowing Remus, considering him one of his best friends he had never ever seen that look in his eyes. Pity.
Despite the fact Sirius had let go of him, Regulus still felt like he was being strangled.
He turned and ran into the closest room, feeling the walls close in on him. He couldn’t believe how pathetic he was, Sirius and Remus had seen him cry before. Embarrassing as it was all of his friends had seen him cry at least once, no that wasn’t what caused him to run. It was the fact every saw him as a poor little widow, someone to be pitied.
Regulus Black doesn’t do pity.
After trying some breathing exercises, the ones all the parenting books suggested for when your toddler was having a tantrum, Regulus felt much better. Then the felt worse again, who was he to feel half way decent when everyone around him was paralysed with grief? When his husband was gone?
Regulus didn’t know how to grieve; he didn’t want to. But he was expected to. He felt his chest restrict again when he thought of the fact that more of his friends would soon be here and they would look at him with pity and expect him to be weeping everywhere.
In a sense Regulus knew everyone coped in different ways, that he could be in shock or his emotions could be blocked by how unexpected it all was. The facts didn’t stop him from feeling so disgusted with himself that he couldn’t shed a tear.
Somewhere very far away, he heard laughter coming from a giggling child. It felt sickening, because for a moment that laughter bought him back. It took Regulus to all the mornings he would walk into the kitchen to find James and Harry making an absolute mess of pancakes, or when James would take Harry into the locker rooms after a game, where he was dotted on by all of his teammates.
The sound took Regulus back to a time of happiness, it was something that didn’t belong in this house anymore.
All progress of calming himself down went out the window as Regulus felt his chest tighten and breathing get shallow. Each breath Regulus took simultaneously felt grounding and haunting. Because he was still there, breathing, and James was not.