“I get it.”
“You are so unfocused that it’s almost like you don’t want to be here.”
Harry huffed but kept his eyes closed as he worked on clearing his mind and channeling his magic. “It’s been a weird day,” he murmured to Strange. “I’m sorry.”
Harry had gotten back from seeing Michael just to find Strange waiting in the lobby of Stark Tower for his tutoring session he didn’t actually want to do.
Therapy was actually overwhelming sometimes and that one had been especially overwhelming.
“Why do you find yourself unworthy of love?”
“I’m not ‘unworthy’, it’s just… I- he doesn’t really love me.”
“It makes more sense to you to believe he’s lying than he loves you.”
“People lie to me a lot more than they love me.”
Pepper had been right all along, talking to Michael did usually make Harry feel better, like he had someone to help him untangle all the wires in his head, but he just felt off after that talk.
“No need to apologize,” Strange said calmly. They were sitting across from each other on Harry’s bedroom floor again, the same place they usually worked, and Harry had been hoping to have more progress to show.
“Do you feel like trying to bring your magic to life or would you prefer to wait?” Strange asked after another few minutes.
Harry inhaled slowly and held it before breathing it out and trying to ‘connect with himself’.
“Do I say anything?” Harry asked when he felt as calm and ‘connected’ as he could.
“Do what feels natural,” Strange said.
Harry nodded and kept his eyes closed, willing everything inside of him to work.
“Lumos,” Harry whispered, holding one hand out. He felt a spark in his hands, but he was scared to look.
“Excellent!” Strange said. Harry peeked an eye open and saw that there was light radiating from his palm, just like if it was his wand.
“I did it!” Harry cried. He was so excited to see actual wandless magic in the palm of his hand that he stopped concentrating and it disappeared, but it had been there!
“You did,” Strange agreed. He stood up and stretched his arms out above his head. “You’ve made quick progress. Why don’t you keep working on that, see if you can make it happen silently, and we’ll pick things up next week?”
Harry was so giddy that he nearly hugged Strange, something he’d never ever thought about doing to any teacher he had before.
“Thank you,” Harry said earnestly. He patted his pockets down, desperate to call Hermione and Ron. “I dunno what my dad’s paying you, but it’s not enough.”
“I’ll tell him you said so,” Strange smirked. “I’ll see you next week, Harry. And, hey, for what’s it worth, you should go outside and go for a walk or something. Exercise is a good way to generate serotonin.”
Actually, Harry thought that fucking wandless magic was the best way to generate the ‘happiness chemical’ in his head.
But sure.
“Yes, sir,” Harry grinned. He found his phone and quickly whistled for Joey. “I’ll take Arsehole for a walk and you should go ask for a bonus.”
“I’ll do that,” Strange said. He opened the door and gestured for Harry to lead the way. “You know it’s about forty degrees outside, right?” When Harry blinked at him, thinking that was rather hot for October, Strange sighed. “Around four degrees, in British terms.”
“Oh.” Harry grabbed his hoodie off the bed and when he saw his bag of supplies for Bucky underneath it, he shot a stealthy look at Strange before slinging it over his shoulder.
Maybe without god damned Peter around, Bucky would show back up.
“Dad’s in his office,” Harry told Strange on his way out with Joey. “Will you tell him I’ll be back later? Thanks!”
Harry waved once more to Strange, still thinking about that glowing light in the palm of his hand, and had Hermione on his phone before he made it to the front sidewalk.
“Harry! Oh, you look sad,” Hermione said, her smile falling immediately.
“What? No!” Harry was sort of becoming a professional at walking Joey while talking to Hermione. “Hermione, listen, guess what I—”
“Harry!” Ron shoved Hermione over and stole the phone, beaming. “Oh,” Ron quickly stopped beaming. “Mate, what’s wrong?”
“I am happy,” Harry insisted, focusing only on the magic he made. “Listen to what I did to—”
Hermione’s face smushed next to Ron’s and she lowered her voice to a dramatic whisper. “Are you still taking your medicine?”
“SHUT UP AND LISTEN!” Harry yelled. A man walking in front of Harry jumped and turned around, looking at Harry as if he were a crazy person, which… maybe Harry was.
“No need to scream,” Ron huffed. “Just tell us.”
Harry rolled his eyes. “That’s what I was trying to do. So, listen, today during tutoring I fin—”
“Hey.”
This time it was Harry who jumped and turned around, finally seeing the person he’d spent forever searching for.
“Got to go,” Harry told Ron and Hermione hastily. “I’ll call you later, bye!”
Just as they ignored Harry’s not sadness, Harry ignored their complaints before he hung up on them.
“Hey, I’ve been looking for you,” Harry told Bucky. Bucky had on the same jeans and dark jacket as usual, but he traded his ball cap for a beanie and sunglasses.
Bucky backed up and looked around quickly, bloody paranoid he was.
“Seems like a lot of people are,” Bucky said evasively. “I should leave and you should go with me.”
“Hold on,” Harry said, not wanting to lose his chance to finally talk to Bucky without anyone else interfering. Harry looked around until he saw an empty doorway a block down for a bakery that had been there when Harry first came to New York and closed while he was at Hogwarts.
“Follow me,” Harry told Bucky, leading him to the empty store. “Don’t be a coward, mate,” Harry snapped when Bucky hesitated. “I’m on your side, alright?”
Bucky finally nodded and followed behind Harry while Joey led the way.
“Er… you mind?” Harry whispered, nodding to the door when he couldn’t open it even after throwing his shoulder into it. Harry’s ability to do magic and not get arrested was limited to Stark Tower, he doubted if the President would cut him any slack for using his wand to break in an abandoned building.
Bucky grinned just a little before grabbing the door with his silver hand and opened it like it was nothing.
That… that was probably what made Sirius bring him home with him.
“Nice place,” Bucky said drily after he stepped in the store. It was dusty and smelled like mold, and for some reason it made Harry want to cry.
“It used to be,” Harry said, looking around sadly. “They used to sell cookies with dumb shit wrote on them like ‘good vibes only’ and they made cakes out of cookies… I almost bought one once.”
“Why didn’t you?” Bucky asked as he walked up to the counter and ran his hand over the dust coating the empty glass display case.
“It said ‘a smile a day keeps the doctor away’,” Harry told him. He made sure the door was shut before unclipping Joey’s lead and letting him run wild in the store.
Bucky sat on the counter, prompting Harry to sit at the dusty red table in front of the register, and laughed quietly.
“What? You didn’t buy the cake because you didn’t like the message on it?” Bucky asked him.
Harry stared at him with a quirked eyebrow. “Would you?”
“Yeah, probably,” Bucky said thoughtfully. He took his sunglasses off and toyed with them while he spoke. “I mean life’s short, you know? And it fucking sucks most of the time, so why not buy a cake even with a stupid ass message on it? I’d buy it, swipe my fingers through the icing, then eat it.”
Harry shrugged and pulled his bag off his back. “If they ever open this place back up, maybe I’ll buy their cake. Here,” Harry tossed the bag to Bucky, “this is for you.”
“Decapitated head or bomb?” Bucky asked.
“Dog shite,” Harry said seriously. “Just open it, prick.”
Bucky chuckled again and opened the bag cautiously before he reached in and pulled out a bag of crisps. “Uh… thanks?”
“There’s some cash and other food in there,” Harry explained quickly. “So you can hide out, right? I don’t want you to get arrested or something.”
“They could try,” Bucky sneered. His face flashed for a moment and Harry saw that bit of danger that he could always sense lurking just beneath the skin. “I’m hard to catch.”
“So- so you’ll stick around?” Harry asked hopefully. Harry couldn’t explain it, not even to himself, but there was something about Bucky that had caught Harry’s interest and it hadn’t lessened at all.
Bucky was Sirius- a criminal hiding out from unfair prosecution.
Bucky was Harry- a stranger in a place he didn’t fit in.
And after his recent and temporary stay at Hogwarts, Harry felt like he knew how hunted Bucky was feeling, how closed in. Everyone talked about him and nobody talked to him.
It was probably suffocating.
“I can’t,” Bucky said. He found the envelope of cash Harry stuffed in the bag and immediately stuffed in back in and threw the bag to Harry. “I can’t take your money either.”
“Yes you can,” Harry insisted, throwing the bag right back to Bucky. “I- you can leave and I can’t leave, and I’m trying to get my dad to leave you alone, but—”
“Your dad’s looking for me?” Bucky cut in, narrowing his eyes slightly in a way that made goosebumps pop up on Harry’s arms.
It was a mad thought, but Harry suddenly imagined Bucky standing across from Voldemort—
Peter Pettigrew couldn’t tie Bucky to a tombstone.
Bucky wouldn’t hide behind a persons grave—
“We aren’t playing hide and seek, Harry. You cannot hide from me. Does this mean you are tired of our duel? Does this mean that you would prefer me to finish it now, Harry? Come out, Harry... come out and play, then... it will be quick... it might even be painless… I would not know... I have never died…”
“Harry? HEY!”
Harry jolted off his seat, his hand twitching to his pocket looking for a wand that wasn’t there—
“Where’d you go?”
Harry shook his head and blinked until the soft paws on his knees and the soft and thick voice speaking to him made sense.
“Bucky?” Harry asked. He reached down with shaky fingers to curl them in Joey’s fur, reassuring him he was fine.
Bucky was standing as well, but he was still over by the counter, far enough away that Harry didn’t feel crowded. There was a frown on Bucky’s lips, but a spark of understanding in his eyes.
“Sorry,” Harry mumbled, rather embarrassed. “I, er…”
“I do it too,” Bucky said quietly. “I’ve seen you before when you go away, right? Everything in your head gets jumbled and you don’t know where you are?”
“Yeah,” Harry breathed, nodding as he slowly sat back down. Joey whined and tried to climb up on Harry, but he really was too big to comfortably fit anymore so Harry pet him and tried to explain he was fine.
Joey was a good dog, always there with his big brown eyes when Harry had a rough patch.
“That’s exactly how I feel,” Harry told Bucky. “It’s just… I dunno… it’s…”
“It’s like you’re here one moment and then one little thought carries you off,” Bucky said, wording it exactly right. “I bought a slice of pizza in a bar a few nights ago and suddenly I was twelve, scrounging up change to buy something for Steve to eat because that damn scrawny ass couldn’t afford to miss another meal.”
That was how it always happened to Harry too. Sometimes he would walk past a cemetery and he’d be back there, tied to a headstone, Cedric’s dead body in the distance…
Harry knew that Bucky would get it.
“You don’t mean Steve that wears the star suit and doesn’t like to swear, do you?” Harry asked Bucky.
Bucky grinned and hopped back on the counter. “Yeah. We were best friends. I took care of Steve, watched his back when he was getting picked on, made sure he ate and had blankets when he was sick, and he- he… he was there when things weren’t great at my house.”
Bucky cleared his throat and Harry’s stomach tightened uncomfortably at another similarity between them.
“Then I enlisted and Steve became the world’s first super soldier and now he’s out hunting me down…” Bucky dropped his gaze to his legs. “Crazy how life works, huh?”
“Yeah,” Harry said faintly, “crazy.”
The two of them sat there in a sort of easy silence, something comfortable, like the silences Harry used to share with Hermione or Ron.
“Don’t go,” Harry told Bucky when the sun started to set and Harry knew he had to go home soon. “Please?”
“Kid…” Bucky looked torn and Harry wanted to push him a bit.
“Look- I can’t talk to Sirius anymore and I don’t talk to Peter and I have a therapist and that’s it. Please,” Harry begged, laying all his cards on the table, “please don’t go yet. I can help you, I know I can.”
“You don’t get it!” Bucky hopped up and began pacing the store from counter to door. He knocked his hat off his head and began pulling on his hair. “This place is dangerous. This whole fucking city is dangerous! There’s aliens in the sky and killers in that place you live! New York used to be nice and now it’s different and you’re a kid- you’re just a kid. And if I get you away from here, you’ll be safe. I couldn’t save them- none of them, but I can save you. I can. I can.”
Harry hesitantly got up and approached Bucky when it seemed like he was stuck on a loop of just saying ‘I can’ over and over again.
“Mate? Bucky?” Harry reached out to put his hand on Bucky’s shoulder, calm him down, and was caught off guard when Bucky grabbed Harry’s wrist with his silver hand and wrenched it behind him.
Joey jumped up immediately and began barking as the air flew from Harry’s lungs and he was slammed against the wall.
“Fuck you,” Harry gasped. “You’re in a shitty bakery, Bucky. You’re with me, Harry, in a closed bakery in New York. That barking? That’s my dog, Arsehole, and he’s going to rip a hole in your bloody leg if you don’t let go of me.”
Harry had been bluffing about Joey biting Bucky, but Harry heard Joey growl and then Bucky hissed and then—
Black spots appeared in Harry’s eyes as his arm was yanked upward and the sound of something snapping was barely heard over a high pitched scream.
“Oh… fuck.”
Harry slumped to the ground when the arm holding him against the wall disappeared and Harry’s legs refused to work.
Since his dad pulled him from bed that morning Harry had threw a fit in the shower, crying over something that didn’t matter, which had been a low point. Then he watched movies and ate ice cream, a high point. Harry got to drive three times, another high. He had therapy, a real low—
“What is required for people to love you?”
“Sirius is my godfather and Tony’s my dad, so… so I guess being family.”
“Like your aunt and uncle?”
“No. Not like them.”
Then Harry accomplished wandless magic, a high point that he hadn’t even gotten to brag about before Harry’s right arm was snapped in a bakery that used to smell like cookies.
A brand new depth of low, but sadly not Harry’s all-time lowest point.
“Joey?” Harry swallowed hard, refusing to cry again. It was a broken arm, he was fine. Joey came to Harry with a snout covered in blood and water pooling in his poor little puppy eyes. Harry clenched his jaw hard, refusing to scream, and only let out a whine when he used his left arm to push on Joey’s firm back to get to his feet.
Bucky was starkly pale, halfway across the room, while Harry stood up.
“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” Bucky said frantically. His blue eyes looked terrified and Harry would wave his hand or something, but he had his right arm held up by his left hand and couldn’t.
“Can- can you put Joey’s leash on him?” Harry asked thickly. “I’m- I’ll throw up if I let go of my arm,” he admitted.
Harry already felt dizzy and knowing he had to walk six blocks back to Stark Tower made everything in his stomach want to bubble out and spill on the ground.
Bucky did it so quickly that Harry thought of Pietro. Joey bared his teeth in a snarl when Bucky clipped the lead on him and Harry felt a little bad about the wound on Bucky’s leg, but it wasn’t like he didn’t deserve it just a bit.
“Can you just follow me?” Harry asked him. “Don’t come too close to the tower, but—”
“Harry, I’m so sorry,” Bucky said, interrupting Harry. “I- I- people don’t touch me. They just don’t. And when they do…”
“They’re doing it to hurt you,” Harry said. He met Bucky’s eyes square on. “I get it.”
And Harry did get it, he really did. If Harry had super strength instead of a wand he wasn’t allowed to use, Harry probably would have broken so many people’s arms.
Harry wasn’t mad, he was in pain.
Bucky nodded and tossed Harry’s bag over his shoulder and held on to the leash. “I’m—”
“Don’t apologize, just don’t leave,” Harry said shortly. “And don’t make me fucking speak or I’m going to hurl on you and your jeans already have blood on them.”
Bucky faltered, rocking back and forth on his feet for a minute that seemed to be multiplied by every nerve in Harry’s arm screeching with pain, and then he finally nodded and quickly moved to open the door for Harry.
“I won’t leave.”
The three of them were two blocks away from Stark Tower when Bucky said that and Harry looked over at him in surprise.
“Swear?” Harry asked.
Bucky’s scruffy jaw was locked so hard Harry was surprised the muscles weren’t twitching, but he nodded without looking at Harry.
“I won’t let them take us alive,” Bucky said, ruining the moment of victory for Harry.
“You need help, mate,” Harry said defeatedly. He bit his tongue so he could let go of his broken arm to hold his hand out for Bucky to slip the leash on Harry’s wrist.
“I know you said not to apologize, but I’m sorry,” Bucky said. Harry forced himself not to twitch away when Bucky’s silver hand came toward him—
“You should stay away from me, kid,” Bucky said after wiping an embarrassing tear of pain off Harry’s face.
“Make up your mind, do you want to run away together or have me stay away?” Harry joked weakly.
“I don’t know,” Bucky said hoarsely, the truth shining in his eyes clearly. “Some days I don’t know who I am.”
Harry gave him his best attempt at a wry smile. “Join the queue, mate. I usually walk Joey after school, so I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow,” Bucky agreed.
As much as Harry didn’t want to talk to Sirius, he wanted to have a cast on a broken arm even less.
“Bloody hell, Harry!” Sirius was off his sofa in an instant, his wand in hand, when Harry stepped off the lift in his entrance room.
“What happened?” Sirius asked Harry, zeroing in on Harry’s broken arm. “Kiddo, wha—”
“Broken, can you fix it?” Harry asked pathetically, his ability to fight the pain off had diminished so much that Harry thought he might die.
Or, at a minimum, it made Harry want to beg for death.
“Yeah, yeah,” Sirius said absently. He put his hand on the back of Harry’s neck to guide Harry to the sofa and Harry’s knees shook at the comforting gesture.
As much as Harry was angry at Sirius, he missed his godfather so bloody much.
Sirius’ flat was designed just as Tony’s was, but Harry could see pieces of Sirius all over the place. The broomstick by the window, the books on the kitchen counter, the stack of records on a windowsill, and what…
Ugh.
Harry looked away quickly when he saw what seemed to be a woman’s lacy bra on the corner of the telly mounted on the wall. Since Sirius lived with Thor, who was back in Asgard, Harry had to assume the bra belonged to some woman Sirius brought home recently.
“Sit,” Sirius ordered Harry, gently pushing him down on the posh black leather sofa that looked a lot like Tony’s. “I know this is going to hurt like a bitch, but you have to hold your arm out straight so I can snap the bone back in place.”
Harry whimpered quietly and Joey laid his chin on Harry’s knees while Harry slowly forced himself to stick out his arm.
“I know, I know,” Sirius murmured. He held Harry’s hand with his left so he could hold his wand with the right. “Don’t move, let me just… Brackium Emendo.”
Harry screamed, loud, when there was another sharp and painful snap.
“Done,” Sirius said, stepping forward and hugging Harry tightly so Harry could push his face in Sirius’ abdomen to hide the tears that won in the battle against his willpower.
“Thanks,” Harry said when the initial sharp pain dulled to a throb. Harry barely had to pull back and Sirius instantly let go of him and swished his wand, silently summoning a potion that Harry recognized immediately.
“I accept thanks in the form of explanations on how the hell you broke your arm,” Sirius said after Harry drank the potion and the pain had disappeared entirely. Sirius settled on the sofa beside Harry and propped his socked feet up on his coffee table.
“Skateboarding accident,” Harry lied. Harry bent his head down and kissed the top of Joey’s head, grateful for having such a good pet. Hedwig was more of a ‘nag Harry when he was being a berk’ while Joey was more compassionate really.
“You’re such a shit liar,” Sirius said, sounding fond. “What really happened?”
Harry scowled at Sirius and stood up. “Why? Are you trying to play the hero and find some bad guy to beat up?”
“Merlin, but you can hold a grudge,” Sirius laughed carelessly. He smiled up at Harry and Harry scowled even harder. “Harry, be realistic, do you expect me to not help keep the world safe? You know, James and I were meant to be Hit Wizards and I seem to remember you wanting to be an auror, how is ‘Avenger’ any different?”
“Because I don’t know any dead aurors,” Harry snapped angrily. “You wanted me to be a safe coward and now you’re acting like some fucking hero and out ‘saving the world’,” Harry was glad his arm was healed so he could properly do air quotes, “and I have to sit around wondering if you’re going to die or not.”
“Nice turn of events,” Sirius smirked. “I spent all last year worrying that you were going to die and now—”
“AND I WORRY ABOUT YOU EVERY SECOND!” Harry yelled, fed up. “‘I hope Sirius doesn’t get caught’, ‘I’m worried Sirius isn’t eating’, ‘I’m worried Sirius is depressed’, and now I AM WORRIED YOU WILL GO ON A MISSION AND NEVER COME BACK!” Harry shouted.
Sirius’ cocky little smirk dropped and Harry saw actual grief on his face.
“Harry, I love you more than the world, and it’s why I can’t quit.” Sirius got up and reached for Harry, an offer Harry almost refused before flinging himself in Sirius’ outstretched arms.
“I’m going to find these people stalking you and keep you safe. Then Voldemort. And then if aliens jump from the sky or robots take over, I’m going to deal with those too,” Sirius said softly while he rubbed up and down Harry’s back comfortingly. “If I loved you less, then I’d quit.”
Harry truly hated how much that made sense.
“I did wandless magic today,” Harry mumbled in the hollow place just below Sirius’ collarbone where his face perfectly fit when he hugged his godfather.
“Wandlessly broke your arm, eh?” Sirius laughed and ruffled Harry’s hair. “Idiot.”
“Prat.”
“Scrawny.”
“Slutty.”
Sirius threw his head back and laughed so hard his entire body shook with it.
Harry figured that making up with Sirius was another high part of his day.
Not that it was worth having his arm snapped, but it was a good moment all the same.