‘LEAVE GROUP CHAT’
Saturday, June 18
Tony S. has named this group: Harry Watching
Clint B. has named this group: Mission Impossible
Natasha R. has named this group: You’re fucking kidding me
Tony: What’s he doing?
Clint: You literally just drove off. I can still see your tail lights.
Steve: Why am I here?
Natasha: Clint, you moron, tell me you’re not on babysitting duty.
Clint: I didn’t have jack shit else to do.
Tony: And I offered him cash.
Clint: ^ and that.
Bruce: You aren’t inside the ceiling again, are you?
Clint: Don’t be an idiot. I’m set up in a tree. More freedom to change locations here.
Tony: Good super spy.
Clint: Oh, damn. Kid didn’t get Tony’s brains, only his mouth.
Steve: How do I leave group chats?
Clint: Lmao, he told this bully to read a book.
Clint: Get fucked, dick.
Tony: He’s being bullied? Did you bring your arrows?!
Bruce: He can’t shoot a teenage bully, Tony.
Clint: I could, actually. It’d be easy. But the kid was saved from getting his ass stomped by some girls.
Natasha: Women are superior at ending fights.
Clint: Nah. She’s just flirting.
Tony: Atta boy.
Steve: How do I mute group chats?
Tony: Stfu. What’s he doing now?
Clint: Crying.
Tony: WHAT? Why? I’m on my way!
Bruce: Why??
Clint: Joking. He looks terrified though. There’s about a dozen girls in mini skirts batting their lashes at him.
Bruce: That does sound terrifying.
Tony: Sounds terrific.
Clint: Ooh, saved by the skateboard kid.
Tony: Peter? Nice kid? Works at an animal shelter?
Clint: Looking at your kid like he’s a steak dinner?
Natasha: Disgusting.
Bruce: That’s a bit much, they’re teenagers.
Tony: Yeah, that’s the one. Peter Parker.
Steve: Google
Steve: Leave group chat?
Tony: Ignore the old man. What’s Harry doing now?
Clint: I’m charging extra for the updates.
Tony: I’ll Venmo it to you.
Clint: He’s sitting by a pool talking with a Gwen and the skateboard kid.
Clint: Where’s Harry going to school at in the fall?
Tony: No idea. Homeschool, maybe?
Natasha: Don’t do that to him.
Clint: You should do Midtown High. Seems like he’ll have friends there.
Clint: He said he went to a boarding school before? ‘Private and boring’.
Tony: There are 507 private boarding schools in the UK, Harry Potter went to none of them.
Clint: He says he did.
Tony: I’ll add that to the ever growing list of ‘things I want an explanation for’.
Bruce: Does that go under ‘MACUSA’ and ‘Landfara Way’?
Tony: It goes somewhere between ‘dementors’ and ‘is Sirius Black a terrorist?’
Tony: Coincidentally, the whole list is also 507 problems long and they’re all Harry related.
Clint: Guesses on what teenage stereotype the kid wants to be?
Natasha: Nerd
Bruce: Nerd
Tony: Nerd
Steve: LEAVE GROUP CHAT
Clint: Wrong. The weird ‘art’ kids.
Clint: I think he likes their colorful hair.
Clint: He said he was a griffin-door at his last school which apparently means he’s brave.
Tony: Of course he is. He’s mine.
Natasha: So he’s arrogant, conceited, and impulsive?
Tony: That remains to be seen. What’s Harry doing now?
Clint: Triple rate, Tony.
Tony: Done.
Bruce: I’m going to bed.
Tony: Don’t care. Clint? Update?
(Bruce B. has left the group.)
Clint: Telling everyone he was kidnapped and adopted against his will by Iron Man.
Natasha: That’s going to be an amazing headline tomorrow.
Steve: BRUCE HOW DO I LEAVE?
Tony: I was going to do a whole controlled media thing, but that sounds like a better way to break the news. The kid has style.
Clint: He says he’s better looking than you.
Tony: He is.
Natasha: He is.
Clint: Skater boy agrees.
Tony: Nice.
Clint: Tony… did you tell him he could drink and do drugs?
Tony: Yep.
Natasha: You jackass.
Tony: What? I was doing worse at his age.
Natasha: And look how you turned out.
Tony: Brilliant? Handsome? Rich?
Clint: Annoying.
Tony: Is Harry getting high? I bet he’d be hilarious if he were high.
Clint: He’s drinking a coke.
Natasha: Good boy.
Tony: Drinking a coke or snorting coke?
Clint: Drinking a coke and discussing the AA.
Natasha: Is he an alcoholic?
Clint: It means the Anti Avengers. Apparently his goal is to do the opposite of what we do.
Clint: I’m going to quit and join his team.
Tony: Me too.
Steve: DO NOT MAKE MORE NOISE.
Steve: SILENCE GROUP CHAT.
Tony: Oh for God’s sake, Steve! It isn’t that hard!
(Tony S. has removed Steve R. from group.)
Natasha: Thank you.
Tony: Update?
Clint: LMAO, the AA has decided to drink UV.
Natasha: At least the kid has a firm grasp on irony.
Clint: Tony, Skater Boy is auditioning.
Tony: For what?
Clint: Future son-in-law.
Clint: He told Harry that parents love him, he’s a dream come true.
Natasha: He’s flirting hardcore.
Tony: What did Harry say?
Clint: Told him he was also humble.
Natasha: He’ll have to flirt harder.
Clint: Nah. The kid is all red cheeks and smiles for this kid. I guess it’s just us he hates.
Natasha: We are adults. Those are children.
Tony: Thank you, Nat, I had no idea. Clint, update?
Clint: He asked the Skater Boy if he and Gwen are together. Skater Boy said no, the kid looks relieved.
Natasha: Why is she Gwen and he isn’t just Peter?
Clint: Peter’s a dumb name and I don’t know that I like this kid flirting with the kid.
Tony: Aww, Uncle Clint is watching out for Harry.
Clint: I’ll put an arrow through the kid’s head right now just to prove a point.
Natasha: Do it.
Tony: NOT FUNNY
Tony: CLINT!
Incoming call from Tony S.
Tony: UPDATE?!
Incoming call from Tony S.
Incoming call from Tony S.
Clint: I’m not going to shoot him. Relax.
Clint: Fuck you’re annoying.
Natasha: Hence why I told him no. Idiot.
Clint: They’re playing a game that involves drinking and telling secrets.
Tony: Very descriptive. Thank you.
Clint: Harry’s turn. Hold on…
Clint: Two things are true and one is a lie.
Clint: He stole a car and wrecked it.
Clint: He’s top of his class at his old school.
Clint: He got bit by a snake and almost died.
Clint: Which is the lie?
Tony: Bit by a snake.
Natasha: Top of his class.
Clint: LMFAO
Clint: He called himself a rebel with a cause.
Natasha: SMH.
Tony: Amazing.
Clint: Nat wins. Kid has a giant scar on his right shoulder from some sort of bite.
Tony: Must have missed it beneath the ducking bruise.
Tony: Fucking*
Clint: Probably. Oh. Skater Boy is up.
Clint: Ready? Which is the lie…
Clint: Sings in the shower
Clint: Green is his favorite color
Clint: Broke his arm twice
Natasha: If he’s hitting on Stark Jr, then green’s his favorite color.
Tony: Arm is the lie. He broke his left arm three times.
Natasha: Looking up medical records is cheating.
Tony: It’s called being resourceful.
Clint: Tony was right.
Clint: Hey, what’s the kid’s curfew?
Tony: Curfew?
Tony: He’s not a prisoner.
Natasha: Tony… you gave him a time to be home, right? He’s a flight risk.
Tony: Is he wearing his jacket?
Clint: No. He took it off and Skater Boy had to fan himself.
Tony: LMAO. Well, as long as Harry has it, I’ll find him. Also I have his dog with me. He wouldn’t leave it behind.
Natasha: And you and the kid call me the psycho.
Tony: Abducted by terrorists, Nat.
Tony: What’s Harry doing?
Clint: Blushing and making vaguely date-like plans with Skater Boy.
Natasha: How did Stark’s kid end up so… pure?
Clint: No idea. His mom, maybe?
Tony: LMAO. Wrong.
Clint: Harry and Skater Boy are leaving together.
Tony: Back to my place or Peter’s? Should I leave? Let them be alone? ;)
Natasha: You’re a pig. Harry’s been abused and you think he’s going to immediately sleep with his first boyfriend?
Tony: … point to the psycho.
Clint: Does Harry know he’s gay?
Natasha: Is it a secret? I think I saw him checking out Steve’s ass during game night.
(Tony S. added Steve R. to the group.)
Tony: You stay the fuck away from my son, Rogers.
Steve: …
Steve: How did I get back here?
(Tony S. has removed Steve R. from group.)
Natasha: Nice.
Clint: I don’t think the kid realizes he’s been checking out his friend all night.
Natasha: Maybe he’s in denial?
Tony: Update?
Natasha: You planning on sleeping, Stark?
Tony: Not really.
Clint: The Skater Kid is smooth.
Clint: I might shoot him.
Natasha: Do it.
Tony: Do not do it.
Tony: Yet.
Tony: What’s he doing to Harry?
Clint: Teaching him to ride a skateboard.
Natasha: ::puke::
Clint: Holding his hand. Sharing his earbuds.
Tony: That’s… that’s adorable, actually.
Clint: Oh, God. SOS. Fuck this. I need hazard pay, Stark.
Tony: IS HARRY OKAY? WHATS GOING ON?
Clint: They’re singing a duet.
Clint: They both suck.
Clint: Oh. Skater Boy isn’t even subtle with the lyrics.
Clint: And yet the kid is oblivious.
Clint: Here.
Clint: (Video Attachment)
Tony: First date in a skate park, a little trashy, but it’s fine.
Natasha: Are they… are they just sitting there, singing together?
Clint: Yup.
Natasha: That’s so sweet.
Natasha: I’m going to be sick.
Clint: They’re sharing playlists.
Tony: Wait- really? BRB.
Natasha: I’m going to bed. Call me if we’re killing Peter.
Clint: Will do.
(Natasha R. has left the group.)
Tony: Peter has decent taste in music.
Clint: Did you just hack your kid’s phone to see the playlist his little boyfriend sent?
Tony: It’s called parenting, Clint, you should try it.
Clint: No thanks.
Clint: Oof. Skater Boy made a joke about his uncle skinning him and the kid twitched so hard I’m surprised he didn’t fall.
Tony: Lovely.
Clint: I thought the Potter’s died in a car crash?
Tony: They did.
Clint: Then why did Stark Jr tell Skater Boy they were murdered?
Tony: 508 problems/questions long now.
Clint: Good news? The kid isn’t planning out loud on running away. Bad news? You fucked up his plans and he doesn’t like you.
Tony: Again I say, lovely.
Tony: I’m going to lay down. Will you text me updates and call me if anything happens?
Clint: You’re going to pout, aren’t you?
Tony: I’m not paying you for commentary.
Clint: You literally are.
Tony: Goodnight.
Clint: Skater Boy said he’s glad Harry’s plan involves him staying in NY.
Clint: Harry said maybe one day he will be too.
Clint: So that’s optimistic.
Tony: Thanks. Goodnight.