balancing act

It took James four hours after seeing the article to put the bottle down and open the door for Sirius.

He was drunk, probably more drunk than he has been this entire tour. They were in a hotel room, James was planning on skipping the soundcheck. 

He felt horrible. He shouldn’t have looked, and he knew that. He shouldn’t care so much about what other people are saying, and he should not be letting it affect him so much. His mum called, James didn’t even have the energy to answer it, and eventually she stopped calling. James assumed that she got ahold of Sirius, because that’s the only reason why she would have given up.

He just didn’t know what to do. He opened Twitter once, and that had been a horrible idea. The last thing he needed to be doing was reading other people’s opinions on his sexuality. He couldn’t help himself though, he needed to know. It was mostly good, he couldn’t deny that. There were some fans who were acting like he crushed their hearts by being gay, and he knew that would happen. There were some people who supported him, and there were people who simply didn’t. Some were claiming they knew all along, others were saying it’s wrong to speculate. Everything was so conflicting, and there were so many opinions on something that nobody should be able to have an opinion on.

To make things worse, if that was even possible, Alecto texted him. He should have blocked her number ages ago, he still doesn’t know why he hasn’t.

Alecto: you could have just told me that you didn’t like girls.

James didn’t respond to her. He didn’t respond to anyone, actually.

Regulus hasn’t texted him though. James assumes he’s probably waiting for James to text first, and he doesn’t feel like it right now. On top of everything he feels horrible that he’s putting Regulus through something like this for a second time, and he can’t even be bothered to reach out. 

James isn’t ashamed. Not of being pansexual, not of falling in love with Regulus, none of that. He doesn’t see any reason to be ashamed of who he is. But it’s impossible not to feel… different. He feels ostracized at times, like he never will truly belong anywhere. He hates that he thinks like this too. All of his friends are queer, basically, so it isn’t like he doesn’t have a community. But the world is so big, so much bigger than him and his friends, and he feels isolated from it. People are going to see him differently because of this, and he doesn’t know how to handle that.

Sirius didn’t say anything when James finally let him in. He took one look around the room, probably smelled the alcohol, and got to work. He cleaned up, he guided James over to the bed and got him a bottle of water. He was coddling him, essentially. It helped numb James’ mind more, being able to watch Sirius fret over him for a while. 

And then Sirius got in the bed with him, and James broke. He just started crying, completely unprompted, and then he couldn’t stop it. He was sad. He was so sad and he hated that this happened. Why did it have to happen now? He wanted to do it on his own time. He wanted to come out by himself, on his term, and he didn’t want to bring Regulus into it at all. This wasn’t supposed to be about Regulus. This was supposed to be about James.

“I’m sorry, James,” Sirius said. And those were the only words that existed between them for a while.

James wanted his mum. He wanted to be comforted and coddled by his parents in his childhood home. The bad couldn’t reach him there, he would be safe.

Nobody talks about that part of fame, just the lack of safety. Everything is dangerous, everything is new and everything is amplified ten times more. James only feels safe when he’s home, and when he’s with Sirius. Sirius has always been an extension of James, his limbs, his beating heart. Sirius is home.

Eventually the crying stopped and James was left with a headache and a stuffy nose and an inability to balance. He also can hardly see. He took his glasses off when they got too cloudy, and now he just wants to sink into this bed and never leave.

The show got rescheduled to tomorrow. James feels horrible about it, but at least they didn’t have to cancel it completely. 

James doesn’t know how nobody bothered them. Maybe Sirius threatened everyone into leaving them alone, but earlier there was a knock at his door at least every thirty minutes.

Sirius wanted to talk, James did not. He couldn’t, actually. His throat was still tight, and talking hurt, and he was drunk so he would probably start crying again. He didn’t want to cry, and he didn’t want to feel. He was tired of feeling.

So they didn’t talk. Sirius turned on Matilda, James’ favorite movie, and he ordered them both some room service. James kept drinking water, and by now he was mostly sober. He still didn’t want to talk. He wanted to forget this had ever happened. He couldn’t forget though. Nobody will ever let him forget.

“I need my phone,” James said, the first thing he has properly said in hours. While he was crying in Sirius’ arms there were lots of nonsense words and sentences, but nothing since then.

Sirius looked at him. “No.”

“No?”

“What are you going to do?”

James shrugged. “I wanna know what people are saying,” he said. James couldn’t lie to Sirius, not easily, so telling him the truth would make things easier on both of them.

“No.”

He sighed. “Who do you keep texting?”

Sirius hid his phone even further from view. Back and forth he’s been typing manically on his phone, and he won’t show James. “Everyone who cares about you.”

James snorted, but didn’t say much else about it. He knew there were people who cared about him, and he felt bad that he had shut them all out for the day.

“I’m texting Regulus,” Sirius said then, unprompted by James.

He sat up a little bit at the sound of Regulus’ name. James can’t talk to him, not when all of this is James’ fault. But he needs to know if he’s okay.

“Oh?” James said, trying to be nonchalant about it. There was no use, Sirius already knew what James wanted before he even had to ask.

“There are some things I haven’t told you,” Sirius said. “And I don’t really know if it’s entirely my place.”

“Why wouldn’t it be your place?”

“It has to do with Regulus too. I don’t know how this is supposed to work now.”

“You’re my best friend.”

“Brother,” Sirius corrected, and it got a smile out of James for the first time today.

“My brother.”

“It’s about the will. Orion left me the main estate, and Regulus the Spain house. I wasn’t gonna take it, but Regulus wants me to.”

“Oh?” James said, still not entirely understanding.

“We’re kicking Walburga out. She has an apartment she can stay in, so she’ll be fine. But… Well it all went through today. Regulus has been dealing with it.”

“I need to talk to him,” James said, because that was his first thought. He needs to know if Regulus is okay, he needs to know if he’s handling everything alright.

“No.”

“No?”

“You’re doing the thing again. Where you put everyone above yourself. Regulus is fine. Work on yourself.”

That is absolutely not what James wanted to hear. He wants to help, in any way he can. And Regulus is dealing with two heavy things, James only has one. He’s fine, all things considered. He hasn’t actually had to venture out into the real world yet, so he’s fine.

“I’m fine.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? You’re willing to talk about it then?”

James deflated. Sometimes he hated how smart Sirius was, and sometimes he wished he would let James get away with things like he used to. They both enabled each other to be self-destructive when they were younger. Things were different now, they were both trying to help each other be healthier people. James hates it for himself, but he also wants Sirius to grow, so he puts up with it.

“No,” James mumbled, about to start pouting. “Have you- Have you told him anything? About me?”

“I let him know you weren’t dead. He knows you’re coping. He doesn’t blame you.”

James doesn’t believe that last part. It is his fault, he wouldn’t blame Regulus for blaming him.

“Okay. Thanks.”

Sirius nudged him, James nudged him back, and things were okay for a second.

***

Walburga called. 

It went as horribly as he could have expected.

Regulus wouldn’t have answered, but he knew that if he didn’t that she would just show up at his flat, and he would rather deal with her over the phone than in person.

She was… angry. She was so angry about so many things it was almost comical.

Apparently Sirius finished everything up with the lawyer, because Walbruga got a notice about being evicted earlier. And then she saw the article and decided that Regulus was a good channel for her anger because she couldn’t get ahold of Sirius- which is her own fault.

Dorcas stayed, but Regulus refused to let her listen to the call. He had to promise to not go on any social media, and he didn’t. He was too distracted to think about that anyway, which was perhaps one of the only good things that came out of a phone call from his mother.

It’s just… Well that meant the Spain estate was set to go through any day now. He needed to think about what to do with that. First he needed to clear it out. He wouldn’t touch Sirius’ room, or his own probably. But everything else? He wanted it all gone.

The next time Sirius had a break they would probably have to go to the main estate, get anything out of there that they want to keep, and then hire whoever to sell it. They both wanted their hands clean of that house. But Regulus wanted to keep the Spain house. They did have some good memories there, and he has always liked Spain.

Dorcas took Regulus’ phone again after the phone call, but Regulus was in a zone now. He took his laptop out and he got to work. He responded to emails, he confirmed a couple of different projects, and then he started working. He had lots of clients already, and lucky for him he could work from the comfort of his own home. 

He didn’t know what Dorcas did for the next couple of hours, he actually hadn’t even realized that much time had passed. Sirius was apparently blowing up his phone though, and Regulus kept switching between texting him and working. 

And he did a lot of thinking. He wanted to get started on Spain as soon as possible. He didn’t tell anybody about it though, he just booked a flight for a couple of days and decided to figure it out from there

James wasn’t texting him, Sirius was giving him no information, and Regulus was going out of his mind about all of it. At the very least though, he could bury himself in work.

***

“That isn’t fair,” Peter said. They were all on the phone with Mary. It was not a pleasant phone call.

“It’s considered a breach of contract,” she explained for probably the fifth time. It’s been almost a week since the article came out. James has hardly been sober, and he has not spoken to anybody about it. The few conversations he’s had with Regulus had been very straight and to the point, Sirius keeps trying to press him and James isn’t letting him. It’s all a big disaster, and James doesn’t even care.

“Yeah, but it wasn’t his fault. And they let the story run,” Sirius said. They were all getting mad on his behalf, and James just wanted to go back to bed.

“The lawyer thinks this could be good for your case. This is just more evidence.”

James tuned it out and looked out the window. He doesn’t care, he really doesn’t. 

He supposes it’s been nice to see all of the pride flags at their shows now from fans bringing them in, and he isn’t going to deny that there has been support. 

But he just doesn’t care. It doesn’t change anything. 

Their management has been flaunting Ava and Remus around like this prize couple to try and get the attention off of James, and Regulus. Although nobody has even seen Regulus except for Dorcas, apparently. James is worried, he just isn’t doing anything about it. 

James’ coping mechanisms have been far from healthy. Mostly alcohol. He has been writing a little bit, but none of it is any good. He hasn’t been performing very well, he cries almost every night when the curtain drops- metaphorically- and he’s struggling. He’s struggling a lot and he doesn’t even bother to hide it. He hasn’t been sleeping, or eating, and he hates that he’s letting this happen. But he’s sad, and he isn’t letting anybody help him.

The phone call must have ended, because Sirius is in front of him and trying to get his attention. 

“Hmm?”

“Did you hear any of it?”

James shook his head and Sirius sighed, deeply. James knew he was concerned. He himself didn’t expect for this to be his reaction to being outed. James doesn’t know how Regulus handled it all, but he’s probably just stronger than James.

“Fucking hell,” Sirius said, storming off very suddenly.

Normally James would chase after him, apologize for acting insane, and they would kiss and make up. James just isn’t feeling very normal.

Then Remus was there, and he looked upset. It was hard to upset Remus, in fact James can’t really remember a time where Remus has been mad at him. 

“Sober up,” he said, no emotion in his voice at all. “We need to talk.”

***

Spain is beautiful.

Regulus landed a couple of days ago, and he’s had a very nice time being so separated from everything. He sat down with Walburga once before leaving, he let her know that she did indeed need to move out of the house, and that she wasn’t welcome at the Spain one. Regulus kept that meeting nice and short, and Dorcas waited outside the restaurant in her car until he finished. 

He slightly kept in touch with Sirius, but he wasn’t really getting any information out of him. He knew that James was struggling, but Sirius wouldn’t give him any details other than that, and James was basically a dead end. They’ve… spoken. Sort of. Not as much as Regulus would like, but maybe this is just how James is coping, and Regulus doesn’t want to be the type of guy who needs constant attention to feel validated. So he’s dealing with James being very uncommunicative in the only way he knows how, by working.

Since he arrived in Spain, Regulus has not stopped working. Whether it’s working on the house or working with a client, he’s kept his mind busy.

It helps that nobody really knows he’s here. Dorcas and Pandora know, because otherwise they would just show up at his apartment and assume he was murdered. They’re sort of dramatic like that. But yeah, other than them, he hasn’t told anybody. 

Nobody has found him here either. He doesn’t leave the house a lot, but when he does nobody seems to pay him any attention. Plus, the house is located in Malaga in a house on the coast. So, essentially, Regulus has his own private beach. When he was younger he would spend hours outside- usually with a book- because it was better than being inside.

Of course, his hidden vacation couldn’t stay hidden for very long, especially when Peter called him in a bit of a panic. 

Regulus hasn’t spoken to Peter very much, but he doesn’t harbor any sort of negative feelings for him or anything.

“Hello?” Regulus answered, not sure if Peter had just dialed the wrong number.

“Where are you?”

“Home,” Regulus answered easily.

“How quickly can you get here?”

Regulus stopped walking around the house- his house. “What’s wrong?”

“Just… Sirius is at a loss, and James is a mess, and everyone is mad at each other,” Peter explained. Regulus thought about this for a second, but he really didn’t think that there was much of anything he could do. James didn’t need Regulus, not any more than he needed Sirius at least. “Look, you just… Sirius likes it when you’re here, so maybe he’ll relax a little. And James feels guilty and he probably just needs to talk to you.”

“He feels guilty?”

Peter hesitated, but honestly that's reason enough for Regulus to get on the next plane out of here. “I mean… yeah. So, are you coming? We’re in fucking Idaho or something for the next couple of days.”

“Indiana,” Regulus corrected absentmindedly. He sort of had their entire tour schedule memorized, so yeah, he knew where they were right now.

“Oh, right. Indiana. Well. Yeah. Right. Are you coming?”

“Yeah. I’ll text you.”

And so that was how Regulus found himself booking another flight to the United States. He swears he has never done so much back and forth travel in his life, and he cannot wait until he can just put his feet up in his newly refurbished Spanish villa and not worry about anything. 

The flight wasn’t for a couple of hours, so he got all of his affairs in order in the meantime. He hired someone to finish cleaning out the space, and he gave specific instructions for what things they were not allowed to go near. A part of him was worried, but another part of him probably wouldn’t care too much if they accidentally tossed the painting that Regulus had picked out with Orion.

It was weird living in a house full of memories like that. There were some good memories, and that made everything so much harder, somehow. Regulus couldn’t simply hate his father, not when he used to take Regulus and Sirius for ice cream and to listen to live bands in the city. The good didn’t outweigh the bad, but it did tip the scales enough for Regulus to feel conflicted.

He did lock the doors to Sirius’ old bedroom. Regulus hasn’t even gone in there, he doesn’t know if there’s anything in there anymore, and he doesn’t really want to know. He has more good memories in that room than anywhere else in the house, he doesn’t want to find it empty.

***

Despite popular opinion, Remus is the most intimidating member of the band. Most people sort of just assume it’s serious because he’s all loud and confident, but it’s really quiet and unassuming Remus that can scare just about anybody.

So, despite not wanting to in the slightest, James followed Remus back to his hotel room. Him and Sirius were simply just sharing hotel rooms now, but the room was apparently not where Sirius vanished to, because he was nowhere to be found.

Remus waited until James finished his second water bottle and finally stopped throwing up before giving him a lecture, and James appreciated that. He also ordered them food, which was good. James hasn’t been earning much of anything recently. He doesn’t want to be acting like this, he just doesn’t know how else to cope.

“Did you hear anything Mary said?” Remus asked.

James shrugged. “I- No. No, not really. Why?”

“They want to cancel the rest of the tour, James.”

Oh.

Oh.

Okay, so that probably wasn’t good. Right? James couldn’t even tell by the look on Remus’ face whether this was good or not. A canceled tour would suck, but it also would get them one step closer to getting dropped by their management, which would be a much simpler solution than trying to get out of the contract.

Okay, so maybe James did care a little bit.

“Is that good or bad?” James asked. Obviously it would be bad for people who had tickets and were excited to see them, and while James could understand that they would be disappointed, the good just outweighed the bad.

Remus sighed. “Both. I guess.”

James was surprised to find himself hoping that they did cancel the rest of the tour. They had basically finished with the North American leg of it, and they were supposed to go to Asia next. But… James was tired. He was tired and he didn’t expect to feel so burnt out, and maybe it was because he was drinking his weight in vodka, or maybe it was because of the article, but it was true. James was exhausted.

“Look, you’re a grown adult,” Remus said, changing the subject completely.

“I am,” James agreed, not sure where this was going.

“And you have people that care about you.”

James nodded. “I do.”

Remus took a deep breath. “Okay, good. You’re cut off.”

James frowned, immediately thinking cut off monetarily. But that didn’t make sense because James made all of his own money now. “What?”

“No more alcohol.”

Oh.

He knew it was what he needed, and he knew that these were just the actions of people who cared about his well-being. Still, he was angry. He hated that he let it get this bad, and that he couldn’t let it get any worse. Part of him wanted to let it get worse. His mind was only calm when he was numb. He didn’t think about the article, or being outed, or anything really. He hasn’t been doing a lot of thinking at all.

***

Regulus arrived in Indiana at 2 in the morning. He slept almost the entire flight, which meant he was wide awake now. Peter knew he was coming, but he didn’t know if anybody else knew. Well, except for Barty and Evan. But other than that, it was basically a surprise.

It probably shouldn’t be classified as a surprise because his reasons for coming weren’t exactly pleasant ones. 

Peter looked half asleep when he opened his door for Regulus, but he did perk up a little bit at the sight of him.

“Thank fuck. Are you tired?”

He shook his head. “Slept on the plane.”

“Marvelous. Follow me then.”

He didn’t expect to get thrown into this right away, but Regulus could see that the light was on under the door they stopped by, and he could just barely make out voices.

“Who do you want first?”

Regulus didn’t answer, because he truly did not know.

Peter made the decision for him by knocking on the door, and Regulus was surprised to see Remus open it. Remus was equally as surprised to see Regulus though, and they both stared at each other for a moment.

Remus shifted his gaze to Peter. “This was your plan?”

Peter grinned. “Isn’t it brilliant?”

Remus looked between Regulus and Peter, and then he turned his head to look inside. He was clearly debating something in his head, and at first Regulus assumed that it was Sirius in the room with him, because that would have made the most sense. 

“Go to Sirius first. He’s down the hall. 408,” he said, his voice quieter now. 

But if Sirius was down the hall, then that meant James was in the room. Regulus misses James. He hasn’t really given himself a lot of space to do so, keeping himself so busy that it only ever hits him when he’s trying to sleep or when he’s in the shower.

It ended up being for the best that Regulus was the one who went to Sirius though. He was… Well he didn’t look good. His eyes were red, and his hair was messy. Sirius never let his hair get messy.

“Reg?” he asked the moment he opened the door. Peter had already vanished, so it really was just Regulus in the hallway. 

“You’re a mess,” Regulus said.

Sirius choked out a laugh and before Regulus could react he was being pulled into a hug. Normally, Regulus was not the one comforting Sirius, but he was glad he could also offer Sirius the same solace that Sirius gave him.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” Sirius said, taking a big step back and actually looking surprised now.

Regulus shrugged. “Spain got boring.”

“Spain?”

Oh, right. 

“I moved to Spain. Or… I’m moving to Spain, I guess.”

Sirius blinked at him for a moment, trying to process this and failing. “Come inside, then.”

***

“Who was that?”

Remus had done a very good job at blocking James’ view of whoever was at the door. Maybe it was a good thing and a fan found their room. Or it was Sirius. James really needed to apologize to Sirius. Although James knew that Sirius wouldn’t seek him out, not when he was so upset with him.

It took a lot for Sirius to be mad at James, and perhaps that was why it was so jarring. Normally- and James knows this is unhealthy- they let each other get away with basically anything. They don’t fight a lot, and they never go very long without talking. That’s why the past two months or so has been so weird, because James ruined things between them by keeping that secret about Regulus and they hardly spoke.

So, yeah. It was up to James to fix this imbalance that he created. He tipped the scales and now everything was falling apart.

“Peter,” Remus told him with a shrug.

They’ve been holed up in this room for a while. James is pretty sure all of the alcohol is out of his system, no he feels like shit. His head hurts, and he can’t really stomach eating anything. James doesn’t know why Remus has decided to stick around, but he enjoys the company. Plus Remus has been doing a fantastic job of keeping James off his phone. James doesn’t even know where he put it. The two of them have just been watching TV, and James keeps drifting in and out of consciousness. He’s exhausted.

“Oh, what did he want?” James asked. Peter has been quite busy, actually, and it’s a miracle that he has been able to get much of anything done with everyone around them falling apart. He’s enrolled in a uni now, and he starts sometime in January. 

Remus sighed. “He wants you to shower. You smell like vodka.”

James rolled his eyes, because that is most definitely not what Peter wanted. But Remus was right, and James probably should shower before he completely falls asleep for the night. 

“What did he really want?”

Remus shook his head. “No, really. He can smell you from down the hall.”

James took the hint and went to take a shower.

He hates feeling like this. He feels completely out of control and like he has no say in his own life. Everything for the past four years has been decided for him, and he realizes now that he has always hated it. Tour schedules are too constricting, song deadlines are too tight, and James wasn’t even able to come out on his own terms.

He knows why he does it, why they all do it. For the music. It’s rare to actually make it in this industry, and they were lucky enough to meet the right people and to have the right look. Now though? James doesn’t know if all of it was worth it. He hardly ever gets to see his parents, he always has to watch his back, and he doesn’t ever get a break from being James Potter.

Well, he does whenever he’s with Regulus. Regulus doesn’t ever look at James and see James Potter, guitarist and vocalist for Marauders. Regulus looks at James like he actually sees him. He isn’t waiting for James to slip up or make a mistake because he doesn’t care about that.

James misses him a lot. His mind has been too busy to even check in on him, and he feels bad about that. This is James’ fault, and he did throw Regulus back into the gossip forum again. Every time James has spoken to Regulus in the past week it’s been strained. Regulus assures James he’s fine, and James is too in his own head to press him for the truth.

But it’s been a week. James gave himself a week to mope and feel bad about himself and be all woe is me. It’s time to snap out of it though. Most news outlets have calmed down, at least from what he’s been able to see, and, if anything, their band has only grown more popular after this. Mary called Peter and told him that their streams have genuinely risen so much that Snape talked about letting him come out. Not Sirius though, never Sirius. And that was reason enough to still fight to get out of it.

James stayed in the shower until the water threatened to run cold. It didn’t because it’s a hotel, but it did start waning between temperatures.

He stepped out with only one of the white hotel towels wrapped around his waist. He expected to see Remus, and he almost jumped when it was Regulus sitting on the edge of the bed, fiddling with a ring on his finger.

He looked up when he heard the bathroom door open, and they stared at each other for a minute.

“Hi, James,” he said, his voice a kind of soft that he reserved for James and James alone.

Oh, James missed him a lot.

***

“So,” Sirius said, trailing off. Regulus didn’t say anything. He was going to make Sirius ask for whatever information he was fishing for now. “You’re here.”

“Peter,” Regulus offered as explanation.

Sirius smiled. “Meddling rat,” he said fondly. Regulus would never understand their nicknames for each other, and he didn’t want to. 

“Mhm,” Regulus said with a nod. He didn’t really know what to say or do. Sirius is very obviously not fine, especially after he just hugged Regulus without warning, but he doesn’t really know how to help. He’s never been cut out for this, even if he wants to be.

“So? Spain?”

Regulus rolled his eyes. “Are you okay?”

Sirius was clearly not expecting Regulus to ask this, because he physically took a step back. Obviously he was not okay, but Regulus didn’t know how else to bring it up, and he can not talk about Spain again. 

Sirius sighed. “James is a mess, which makes me a mess, and that makes Remus a mess, and Peter cannot hold all of us up by himself. And they want to cancel the tour, which is equal parts good and bad, and… No. No, I'm not really okay.”

Regulus doesn’t know what to say again. He’s confused, mostly. He didn’t realize it was this bad. 

“They want to cancel the tour?”

“Yeah.”

“And that’s…”

Siriu sat down on the bed, Regulus stayed standing. “Good, sorta. It means they are one step closer to dropping us, which would be cheaper than the way we have been going about it. But… I mean none of us want to have to stop performing.”

“Oh. Good and bad,” Regulus repeated quietly.

He doesn’t say it a lot, but he’s sort of impressed with all that Sirius has been able to do. When he was younger he had wanted Sirius to fail. He had wanted to be right in thinking that they would be better off staying, but of course that isn’t how it went for Sirius. He was dying in that house, and he wasn’t able to breathe until he got out.

It’s different now. Regulus doesn’t feel that same anger he used to. It was never really anger though, it was jealousy. And there isn’t any reason to be jealous anymore. They’re both out and they’re both doing well for themselves and they have each other at the end of the day. Sirius has always been enough for Regulus, and now Regulus knows that he’s always been enough for Sirius.

“I think James needs you,” Sirius said, and Regulus wondered how hard those words were for him to say.

“Not any more than he needs you.”

Sirius shrugged. “It’s different right now.”

“Different?”

“Yeah. I mean I can’t assure him that he didn’t do anything wrong. No matter what I say, he just feels guilty.”

“Guilty?” Regulus asked. Peter mentioned something to that effect, but Regulus hadn’t put much thought into it. Until now, anyway. Sirius saying it kind of solidified that it was true. James felt guilty, and Regulus felt stupid for not really thinking of that.

———

“Have you seen her?” Sirius asked after a couple minutes of silence.

“Who?”

“Walburga.”

Regulus hasn’t kept Sirius completely up to date, not as much as Sirius would like anyway. “Once.”

“And?”

Regulus shrugged. “It was for maybe five minutes. I just let her know that the notice was real and that she needed to leave.”

“Why did you have me take the house?”

“I told you-”

“What’s the real reason?” Sirius interrupted, already anticipating whatever lie Regulus was going to tell for the millionth time.

The thing was: Regulus didn’t really know. He just wanted to do it. He didn’t want Walburga to think she could still walk all over them, he didn’t want for her to have a happy ending. He just… he wanted revenge. This was the way he thought was best for that. And it could have been worse. Regulus could have cooked up a bigger, more complicated, awful plan. He wouldn’t have been able to stomach it though, not really. He knows there’s a part of him that loves her, and he hates it. But she is his mother, what is he supposed to do?

“I don’t know. I just… I want to prove that I can do it,” he said. He wanted to prove to himself and to everyone else that he could be like Sirius. He could be cold and emotionless towards their mother. He could do something like evict her from her own house and not feel any remorse for it.

“You don’t have anything to prove to anyone.”

Regulus snorted, because his first thought was that Sirius was being ridiculous. Of course Regulus had to prove himself, it’s all he’s been doing since the moment he was born, essentially. He had to prove he was a good backup for Sirius, he had to prove that he deserved his spot at the ballet, he had to prove he was smart enough to stay in the school their parents sent them to, etc. His whole life has been a long string of proving himself.

Just once, Regulus wants to be enough.

“That isn’t true.”

“You don’t have anything to prove to me,” Sirius corrected. He sounded like he meant it, and Regulus had never really thought about that. Sirius never asked for anything extra from Regulus, he was never waiting for him to fail or watching his every move in hopes of finding a mistake.

Sirius didn’t expect anything from him. 

Regulus was enough for him.

***

James laughed, he couldn’t help it. He was just so shocked to see Regulus here. Was he who was at the door earlier?

“You’re here,” James said, quite literally frozen in place. He was so glad Remus made him shower and get cleaned up now. 

“I am,” Regulus nodded. He looked slightly nervous, although maybe he was just tired. It was approaching 4 in the morning, so it wouldn’t be that far off.

I love you.

James took a step forward, about to go for a hug before remembering he was wearing only a towel. Regulus did not seem to mind, which James actually thought was hilarious. 

“I’m going to put on some clothes,” he said, and Regulus tilted his head to the side a little.

“If you want.”

James stepped right back into the bathroom and tried not to have a heart attack. Regulus was here. He was here and things were still confusing between them. But just the fact that he was here was enough. He flew all the way here. James didn’t have to miss him while he was here.

He didn’t really want to put on the same clothes he was wearing before, but he already walked into the bathroom, so he didn’t want to walk out again. His shirt smelled bad, so he was just going to have to walk out there to find a shirt. But his sweatpants were fine.

Any exhaustion James had felt had absolutely vanished now. He was giddy, practically. Regulus was here.

Oh.

Ohhh. Okay. Yeah. Regulus was here, and it probably wasn’t just a social visit.

Was he going to break up with James? Could he even do that? Were they even really dating yet?

James looked in the mirror. He had really dark bags under his eyes and they were red from how much he was rubbing them. He looked tired, his whole face was downturned essentially. He doesn’t know why he can’t handle this. Celebrities get outed all of the time, and they don’t usually destroy their liver over it. Maybe it has something to do with the lingering shame. It feels like he’ll never be able to get rid of it, not fully. 

He must have spent a very long time looking through himself in the mirror, because Regulus knocked on the door.

“Did you die?”

James laughed, fully not expecting that. He opened the door, and Regulus almost fell right into him, apparently leaning against it. He bumped into James’ chest and practically jumped, his cheeks more red than James has ever seen. 

“Oh. I- Sorry. Yeah, no. Umm, you’re not dead.”

James smiled. “Not quite.”

Regulus rolled his eyes, blowing out a small breath and trying to subtly look at James’ chest again. He wasn’t very subtle about it, but James decided not to call him out this time.

“You absolutely did this on purpose,” he mumbled, no longer feigning subtlety.

James shrugged. “Did I?”

Regulus coughed, trying to take a step back. James held out his hand, and Regulus took it without a second thought.

“I missed you,” James said, pulling him in for a hug. Regulus went willingly and easily, and James felt a lot of the tension leave his body when Regulus slipped his arms around his waist.

“I missed you too,” Regulus said quietly.

***

James is always so fucking warm, and it’s starting to make Regulus a bit angry. Nobody’s body temperature should always be that high. Like something actually has to be wrong with him, in a medical sense.

Of course, now is not the time or place to bring it up, but it’s a much easier thought to let his brain get stuck on.

“You look…” Regulus trailed off, not really sure how to explain how James looked. His eyes were the same, but they were different. Even the way he was carrying himself was different.

“Handsome?” James prompted, raising an eyebrow.

Regulus rolled his eyes. “Shut up, you always look gorgeous. Just…”

He should have expected what came next, but he wasn’t really thinking very clearly because it was 4 in the morning and James was warm and he was rocking them back and forth a little. Of course that stopped and James physically pulled back.

“Don’t-”

“Gorgeous?” he asked, ignoring what Regulus was trying to say.

“James, don’t make this a thing.”

James was grinning though, and it brought a little bit of light back into them that Regulus hadn’t completely noticed was missing. James was good at pretending, but now that Regulus knew what he looked like when he was being real, the differences were much easier to point out.

“You think I’m gorgeous.”

Regulus was blushing, and he looked at the ground. “Whatever. You called me gorgeous first.”

“Did I?” James said, which made Regulus’ head snap up. He wouldn’t be surprised if James doesn’t remember, it shouldn't’ have been a big deal, but that moment had just stuck with Regulus for a while now. On the night of the award show, he had just said it so casually, and Regulus had almost had a whole meltdown about it.

He shook his head. “Nevermind.”

James guided Regulus’ head up so that he had to look at him. “I remember. And you are gorgeous.”

“We are not doing this.”

“Doing what?” James asked, fully just teasing Regulus now. 

Regulus stepped back, needing to physically put distance between them. “You need to put a shirt on,” he said, turning on his heel to find James’ bag. He cannot talk to James if he’s not wearing a shirt. Number one he won’t be able to focus, and number two he just… Well they wouldn’t get anything done.

“Why?”

“You’re insufferable, by the way,” he said, locating James’ bag. 

Regulus froze at the sight of the first shirt he pulled out, and James already had a smile on his face when Regulus turned around, holding it in a fist. “This is my shirt,” he said, and James nodded proudly.

“It is.”

“I have been looking everywhere for this,” he said, even if it was a bit dramatic. He lost this shirt months ago though, it would make no sense for James to have had this shirt for that long.

“Guess you didn’t look hard enough.”

Regulus went through many different feelings in just a few seconds, and eventually settled on indifference. James could keep the shirt, actually. Regulus might have liked the fact that he had it with him all this time. But he was not going to let James wear it right now, so he picked up a different random one and tossed it to him.

“A crop top?” James asked with a smile on his face.

Regulus was going to suffocate himself. 

***

They were both dancing around the reason that Regulus was here. Or at least, James was. Every time Regulus got even a little bit close to mentioning it, James would say or do something that would throw them off. 

“So, the article-”

“Can I kiss you?” James interrupted. 

Regulus blinked, looked like he was about to say yes, and then he shuffled further away. “James.”

“I know,” he said quietly, letting out a deep breath and resting his head back on the wall. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t… Don’t be sorry. I just think that we need to talk.”

Rip off the bandaid. “Are you breaking up with me?”

Regulus tensed up from next to him, and for a moment James believed that that’s what was happening. And then Regulus’ hand was on James’ cheek and he was pressing a small, innocent kiss to James’ lips, and everything seemed alright with the world. 

“No,” he said simply, and James would always take Regulus at his word.

“Okay, sorry.”

“Sirius said…”

James waited, but Regulus didn’t seem to want to continue his thought. “Said what?”

“No. Nothing. Umm.”

“Reg?”

“He said you feel guilty,” he blurted out, not even needing to be prompted again. “And I don’t want you to feel bad because I am fine, and this really has nothing to do with me and I’m more worried about you.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah. So.”

“I just… I mean it is my fault. I was the reason we went to the coffee shop, and the carnival-”

“Don’t do that. It’s… We didn’t do anything wrong, James. You know that, right?”

Did he know that? Part of him instinctively knows that yes, they didn’t do anything wrong. But this was the reason they were probably pulling the tour, and this sparked so much controversy and people are still talking about it. So it feels a little bit like they’ve done something wrong.

“I know that,” he said eventually. “It just… it doesn’t feel like it.”

Regulus opened his mouth to say something, but James couldn’t deal with hearing the disappointment in his voice.

“It’s not your fault, either. I mean… I love being with you and I don’t have any regrets. It just feels… It feels big. Like everyone is making this into a big thing when it didn’t need to be.”

“You’re allowed to feel how you feel.”

“What?”

“You keep… you keep invalidating what you’re feeling. James, you were outed to the entire world, you’re allowed to feel however you want to feel about it.”

James doesn’t like dealing with anything that’s not good. He doesn’t know how to handle when he’s sad because he just shoves it all away; he focuses on something else. The way he’s been doing that recently is by drinking, but he has been cut off- for good reason. And maybe, if Regulus wasn’t here, James could have focused on Sirius and what he needed. He would have spent all of his energy making sure he wasn’t upset with him.

But Regulus is here, and he’s making James face this.

“I’m angry.”

Regulus nodded. “Okay.”

And this was exactly what James needed, because he just let it all out. Every passing thought and every little comment that set him off, James talked about all of it. And Regulus listened to every single word, and he wiped James’ tears when he cried, and he didn’t try to stop James from being angry, or being upset. Anger isn’t a basic emotion though, it’s almost always caused by something else. But it’s easier to say I’m angry than it is to say my heart hurts. 

And when James’ throat hurts from talking, and his eyes hurt from keeping them open, Regulus stays with him until he falls asleep, holding him. Regulus is here, and that’s enough.

***

Regulus always gets a little overwhelmed around James. Not in the sense that James is too much, he never could be, but Regulus always feels so insufficient. James would hate him for thinking this, but what he doesn’t know can’t hurt him. Regulus knows he isn’t good enough for James, but he’s too selfish to do anything about it. So, for as long as James will have him, Regulus will be here.

He tries not to move too much, not wanting to wake James up. He seemed like he really needed the sleep, and from what James told him, Regulus knows he’s barely gotten any this past week. Now he understands why Sirius was keeping so much information from Regulus, it wasn’t his space to say. Regulus honestly should have flown here sooner. It wasn’t like he had anything really going on at home. He can work from anywhere. Part of him knows that he left because he was scared of James getting tired of him, and that maybe space would be a good thing.

After almost two weeks of space, Regulus hated it. He was perhaps just a little bit needy, and he hated it. He hated needing people, but James has been the only thing on his mind since they said goodbye, so it was safe to say that Regulus was a little bit dependent.

And the thing was, Regulus liked to be alone. He liked space to exist by himself, and he was a very solitary person. But sometimes he liked to be alone with other people, most notably Evan. The two of them would exist alone together all of the time. Barty wasn’t like that, he thrived when he was around other people. James was a little like that too, he really shone when he was in a crowd. Regulus thinks that maybe James doesn’t know how to be alone, and Regulus hopes he never has to be.

Eventually, he drifts off too, feeling safe and comfortable with James Potter in his arms.