balancing act

James wanted to drag Regulus out of the car and put him in his pocket. After yesterday, and this morning, he really did not want to see Regulus leave. He knew what they were doing now. They were dating. But it was very hard to date when they were on two separate continents.

Still, there were things that James had to distract himself with. They were all supposed to be writing music for the new album, and they were getting back on the bus to go to Milwaukee in a couple of hours. There was also the whole deal with their management and label. They needed to negotiate out of the contract, something that their lawyer would be helping them with. But it was much easier to do that in person and they have a very packed schedule for the next couple of weeks while they finish up the tour.

James was mostly excited. He feels like they’ve barely been on stage recently, despite the fact that their Chicago show was just two days ago.

He also misses writing songs, and now he has a brand new journal to write them in. He has shown it to absolutely everyone, along with the stuffed animals that Regulus won for him. He got one at almost every game, and there came a point where they had to just say no to the prizes because they wouldn’t be able to carry them all.

“Cheer up,” Evan said, clapping him on the back. They were all just sitting in the hotel lobby, waiting for the bus to get there so they could get on the road.

“I’m fine,” James said with a shrug, refusing to spend any more time looking out the window. Regulus left a while ago, there wasn’t even anything for him to look at.

“You’re pouting.”

“I’m not.”

“You are. You have been for a while now.”

James sighed, leaning back further in the chair and letting his sunglasses fall a little bit down the bridge of his nose. He might be a little bit hungover. He got plastered with Peter, Sirius, and Remus last night as a sort of celebration. He couldn’t help it, he needed to celebrate. He was dating Regulus. They were dating! That’s the exact kind of thing that called for celebration.

“I miss him,” James said, pouting even more now.

Evan laughed. “You are such a baby.”

“You miss him too,” James pointed out. 

“In a different way. I just wanted him here for wedding planning.”

James didn’t respond because his phone went off with a text message, and he knew immediately who it was from.

ducky: Evan says you’re pouting

Stop.

James: Can’t help it <3

ducky: You’re so dramatic.

Did you know?

James: you are 10x more dramatic.

ducky: This isn’t about me.

Just stop pouting.

Please.

James: Are you not pouting?

ducky: Not about me, remember :)

James: so you are?

ducky: I’m at the airport. Of course I’m pouting.

James: you know what i meant though.

ducky: …

Yes, James.

I am pouting.

James: !!!!

lovely !!

James was admittedly less pouty after getting to talk to Regulus, which seemed to appease Evan enough to get him to go back to Barty. 

Marlene came and sat down next to him a little bit later though, and she sighed deeply to let James know she was not alright. If he thought he was being dramatic, then Marlene was something else entirely after Dorcas left. It was genuinely the weepiest goodbye James has seen in a while, and his dad cried when he went back home after his visit.

“I think I need that woman to breathe,” she said, stealing James’ sunglasses and slouching with him.

“I get that,” James said, closing his eyes. If they were going to be miserable and missing their respective partners then they might as well do it together.

She sighed again. “So, Regulus is your boyfriend now?” she asked, turning her head.

James shrugged. “Not yet, I don’t think.”

“You don’t think?”

“He hasn’t told me yet. I’m pretty sure we’re just dating right now.”

“Dating each other?”

“Yes.”

“Is that not… You know what, never mind.”

James smiled at her, already knowing what she was going to say. Who cares if they were being a bit unconventional, it worked for them and that was all that mattered.

———

After a much needed nap, James woke up about twenty minutes away from Milwaukee and ready to go. Sirius and Remus were holed up in the back, and James was pretty sure they were writing sappy love songs. One of them was going to need to get their heart broken, otherwise this next album is going to be terribly gushy.

Peter was sitting at the small table, and he looked like he was just contemplating life.

“You alright?” James asked. He nodded, thought for a moment, and then shook his head no. “What’s up?”

“I’ve just been thinking, I guess.”

James smiled. “A difficult feat?”

“Ha ha. No.”

“C’mon Pete. What’s wrong?” James asked, sitting down across from him.

Peter sighed, deeply. “I- I don’t want to quit the band.”

James straightened up a little bit, because there were very few reasons for Peter to start a conversation like that. “Okay?”

“No. I mean seriously. Like I do not want to quit the band.”

“Peter, what is going on?”

“I want to start taking classes. At uni.”

James let out a small breath of relief, because Peter did not want to quit the band, and he wouldn’t have to. Really, they weren’t Marauders without Peter. James couldn’t even begin to imagine replacing him, not for anything.

“Oh. Okay,” James nodded. Peter could very easily take classes and still be in the band, especially once the tour ended.

“Okay?”

“Yeah.”

“You don’t think it will be too much?”

James hesitated. It would be a lot of work. The band was basically like two full time jobs, especially when it came to the part of the job that meant they were also media personalities. But plenty of famous people got degrees while still working on their crafts.

“It might be a lot, but not too much. Plus we’re slowing down a bit after the tour I think, especially because we’re leaving Slytherin, so. Yeah, I say do it.”

Peter seemed to let some of the tension out of his shoulders, and he also released a sigh of relief. He was clearly nervous about telling them, but they all knew just how much Peter valued knowledge. He never got the best grades in secondary, but it was never about that for him. He just loved learning, absolutely any and everything. 

“I’m actually really excited. Benjy told me there was no reason to be nervous, but I don’t want to be putting less into this than all of you.”

James shook his head. That wasn’t even how it worked between them. James and Remus wrote the most songs, yes, but it wasn’t like they were doing more than anybody else. Peter was essential. “You’re always enough,” James said truthfully. “And obviously we would support you with this. Do you know what you want to study?”

Peter didn’t even hesitate. “Anthropology.”

James, admittedly, did not know what that was, but he nodded anyway. He could always look it up a little later. “That sounds lovely.”

“Yeah? I’ve always liked history and stuff, so I think I’ll do well.”

“There’s no doubt,” James said. If it had anything to do with history then Peter would excel, it was always his best subject in school.

Remus and Sirius joined them up front a little bit later, and silently Peter asked James to keep this’d between them for right now. When telling Sirius things like this it was important to do it with a bit of care. It’s not that he won’t support Peter, because he absolutely will. It’s just that Sirius hates to think of anything getting in the way of the band, or of anything threatening it.

Almost as soon as they got off the bus, the paparazzi were there. Ava was waiting for them, and like she was supposed to, she went right towards Remus. Sirius backed off a little bit, doing his best not to look agitated or jealous. He was kind of bad at hiding his thoughts though, so the camera definitely picked up on it.

James lowered his sunglasses and walked into the venue quickly, not wanting to be photographed right now. Sometimes he got tired of all the cameras following him everywhere. Just… He knew what he signed up for, and he really shouldn’t complain about getting everything he’s ever wanted, but a moment of privacy would be appreciated.

This show was a little bit different in that there was a film crew here interviewing them. It was part of the reason Ava was here, and also because of the contract she has to just sort of hover around Remus. Honestly James wants to help her out of it just as much as he wants to help Remus. The world needs more women who are out and proud as lesbians, and that’s all that Ava wants to be. James can’t wait to watch her take over the world.

“Our songwriting process?” James clarified. All four of them were in their own chairs, mic’d up and every single moment being filmed. Sirius and Remus were on opposite ends for ‘safety’ reasons. It was ridiculous.

“It’s different for all of us,” Sirius said. Every couple of seconds he would lean forward and try to subtly look at Remus, their own little act of rebellion.

The interviewer, whose name they were not given, smiled. “How about you all go one by one,” she suggested.

So it started with Sirius, and he was very apathetic about this entire interview, but he was good at putting on a show when necessary. James was very charming, as he usually was. Peter was a bit lost, but in the end he articulated his thoughts well. Remus gave absolutely nothing, just a small comment about how he didn’t really have a process.

But they were lured into this sort of false sense of security. Perhaps the first red flag should have been when Remus was asked about Ava, but most interviewers tried to get the latest scoop with their ‘relationship’, so that didn’t set off any alarm bells.

“And you James? Do you have a special someone?”

His mind went to Regulus immediately, he couldn’t really help it. And he did manage to keep a mostly neutral face.

“Ahh, I do not,” he said. Even if James was allowed to be open with his life and sexuality, he still would want to keep his relationship with Regulus as just something for them. So much of their lives were in the media, they should be able to have this one aspect to themselves.

The interviewer smiled, and the sight of it twisted something in James’ gut. It wasn’t a reassuring smile, or even a natural one. No, this was the smile of a cutthroat journalist who knew something. James has seen it before. When people try to get family information out of Sirius, or they try to uncover the ‘mysteries’ of Remus and Peter. James has generally managed to avoid that, which is why having it happen to him for the first time is very unsettling.

“Really?” she asked, tilting her head to the side.

Sirius coughed to get her attention. “Look, we really don’t have a lot of time-”

“I assure you,” she interrupted, almost glaring into Sirius’ soul, “that I will not go over my allotted time here.”

Sirius did not like getting interrupted, and if it wasn’t for Mary very violently threatening to slit all of their throats, he probably would have done something he shouldn’t have.

James wet his lips. “Yes, really,” he said, answering her question.

“Hmm.”

For a moment, James thought that was all. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking, because he should have known better.

She cleared her throat. “We received an anonymous email that included a picture of you and Regulus Black in a coffee shop,” she said, looking down at a piece of paper.

James tried not to look alarmed. “Can friends not enjoy coffee?” he asked, trying to make a joke out of it. Really though, James had no idea what to do, and even Mary looked blindsided. Generally, reporters and journalists had to get their questions approved, and this was definitely not brought to anybody in their management beforehand.

The interviewer grinned, and James realized he had played exactly into her hand. This… This was not how it was supposed to happen though. This was not how he wanted it to happen.

“There are witnesses who overheard your discussions-”

“Stop,” James said, surprising himself with how forceful it sounded.

She wasn’t thrown off, not really, just more surprised. James was known for being the easygoing carefree member of the band. Most people didn’t know just how quick he was to get angry, especially when the people he cared about were involved. 

“We also have images as proof-”

“No, that’s enough,” James said, standing up.

Mary started to step forward, but there really was nothing she could do. “James-”

“I’m not doing it, Mary,” he said, taking off his mic.

Not even two seconds later, Sirius, Remus, and Peter were all doing the same thing. Who cares how much money they are paying for this interview? James will pay whoever he needs to pay to make up for it.

“We would really like your account, otherwise we are going to have to run the story without your side,” she said, as if that was making James want to answer any of her questions.

“You shouldn’t run the story at all.”

***

Regulus finished the song. It only took about three hours on the plane, and it would have been less. But Dorcas and Pandora were in very talkative moods, and Regulus wasn’t going to just ignore them. Really they were all just gossiping, which was lightly mortifying if he thought about it too much.

“Can I hear it?” Dorcas asked after Regulus announced he was done.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Just ask your girlfriend.”

Of course this made Dorcas smile a little bit, and now she was thinking about Marlene rather than pestering him about the song. Ever since those two made it official it was all either of them talked about. Regulus hopes that when he makes it official with James- or if- then they aren’t as obnoxious about it. Then again, that seems like James’ brand.

Regulus is going to have to have to talk to him about that, actually.

Pandora and Dorcas had asked him a million questions the moment they were alone, and Regulus had given them the barest information. He’d done the same with Barty and Evan. When he got back after his date, Barty had basically demanded to know absolutely everything, but Regulus wanted to keep most of it to himself, the little things at least.

They got into a conversation about ballet, and Regulus zoned out a little bit. Honestly he has hardly let himself think about his old life, the one where he spent eight or more hours a day dancing. Now it’s been ages since he’s been on pointe, and he doesn’t feel as empty as he thought he would. He thought ballet was his whole life, but that was just because that was all he let himself be.

Honestly though, he sort of forgot that Dorcas was mainly a manager for ballet dancers, and he was not a ballet dancer anymore.

But he couldn’t fire Dorcas. Right?

“You should come back,” Pandora said, nudging Regulus to get his attention.

He broke out of his trance and looked up. “What?”

She sighed. “I don’t want a new dance partner. Some of the guys are handsy, and you never were.”

“Who?”

“Hmm?”

“Who’s handsy?” he asked. Regulus hated the mistreatment of ballerinas, and it was so normalized. Especially in the bigger companies like the one Regulus used to work for.

Pandora shook her head. “I have it handled.”

“You promise?”

“I do.”

Pandora could handle herself. She had single handedly gotten a stage manager fired after he was harassing her. Apparently she was not the first and she found a bunch of other girls who were willing to file a harassment claim. So if she said she had it handled, then he believed her.

“Okay. And even if I wanted to go back, I couldn’t.”

“Do you want to?”

“No,” Regulus said, not even having to think twice about it. He missed dancing sometimes, but he did not miss the performing, or the way everything was a grand show.

Plus, he liked producing music. It doesn’t feel so much like a job to him, and more something he can do creatively. There was nothing creative about ballet, not really. Sure there was innovation and new renditions of different dances, but they always did the same five or six ballets, and they had to be done perfectly. There wasn't any improv, or room for new ideas. At first that was why he liked it so much. He had grown up being told what to do and exactly how to do it, so it was comfortable. Now, he hated the idea of someone having more control over his life than he did.

“He’s a music guy now,” Dorcas said.

Regulus nodded. “I am. Also you’re fired.”

He needed to do it. He couldn’t take up Dorcas’ time when he didn’t have a use for it. He didn’t dance, he had no desire to return to dance, and that was her specialty: managing dancers.

Pandora and Dorcas both looked at him like he was insane. “What?”

“You’re fired. I don’t need a manager.”

Dorcas tilted her head, thought about it for a second, and then nodded. “Yeah, okay.”

“Good. Now that that’s settled-”

“No. What?” Pandora interrupted. “What do you mean settled?”

“He’s in music now. Not my jurisdiction,” Dorcas explained. She understood right away, but Pandora didn’t connect the dots as quickly. Which made sense, because she wasn’t on the other side of things. Really he’s been wasting Dorcas’ talent for the past couple of months, because she really was talented at her job. She advocated for her clients, and she had that perfect mix of authority and kindness at work that made her widely respected.

“Oh. Right.”

Regulus was exhausted by the time they landed. He couldn’t easily fall asleep on planes, so while Dorcas and Pandora slept, Regulus read the book Pandora brought. It was a cheesy romance book, and while it was not what Regulus would normally read, or even like, he did get wrapped into it.

Pandora woke up about halfway through and saw him reading.

“Is it any good?” she asked with a yawn, about to fall right back asleep.

“Yeah,” he said quietly. “I’ll tell you about it when we land.”

She smiled, said “Good, good,” and then fell right back asleep.

He never did end up explaining though, because he simply forgot and Pandora never asked.

There was a lot more paparazzi at the airport than normal, and Regulus wondered if someone else was landing here. They were mostly inescapable though, so the three of them rushed through the airport as quickly as they could. He was tired of being photographed, and the largest part of him wished he could be anonymous. But he was Regulus Black, and that was a last name that didn’t come with any anonymity.

“What was all that for?” Dorcas asked.

Pandora shrugged. “Who knows? Maybe the queen is here.”

“In a public airport?” Dorcas asked.

“She’s also dead,” Regulus pointed out.

“Oh, yeah. Forgot about that,” Pandora said.

When Regulus got home he barely managed to make it into his bed before falling asleep. The only thing he bothered to unpack was the stupid stuffed duck, and he tossed it on his bed with him. His sleep schedule would probably be all wonky, considering it was almost morning time in London and he would sleep until well after the sun rose, but he couldn’t be bothered to care.

Of course, this had ended up being a mistake. His phone was dead when he woke up, so he plugged it in while trying to muster the energy to unpack and clean his apartment. He should probably eat something, but he wasn’t very hungry and he also didn’t have any groceries.

The moment his phone was charged enough to turn on, he heard about a million notifications go through. The only ones he has set up are for his regular text messages, and there is nobody who should be texting him nearly this much.

Jame: reg

hey

Jame: oh right

you’re still on the plane

pls call me when you land

Jame: okay

you would have landed by now

is everything okay?

Jame: dorcas said you probably fell asleep

call me when you wake up

doesn’t matter what time it is

See, messages like these make Regulus scared. Genuinely fearful that something bad has happened. His first thought was Sirius, but he’s got about thirty messages from him too, so he’s fine. Actually, literally everybody has texted him, trying to get ahold of him. His mind then goes to his mother, but… Well that just seemed too impossible to even imagine.

So, he called James. It was probably about five in the morning for him, but he did say that whenever Regulus woke up.

It barely even rang for three seconds before James picked up the phone.

“I am so sorry,” James answered, not even a greeting first.

Regulus paused, because this really could only be one thing. “Is she dead?”

“What? Who?”

“Walburga.”

James hesitated, and maybe Regulus should have called Sirius to break the news, but even Sirius had urged Regulus to call James. Safe to say, he was very confused.

“Not that I know of,” James answered eventually.

“Is this not about her?”

“Oh, no. It’s not.”

“Is everyone alright?”

“Yeah, yeah. No, everyone’s fine, Reg.”

“Did you cheat?”

“What?”

“James, you are giving me absolutely zero information and I have no idea what is happening right now,” he said, growing slightly frustrated now. He did not like how much everyone was trying to get ahold of him, not at all.

“Oh, I’m sorry. I just… No, Reg. Nothing like that, I would never.”

“I know.”

“Umm, I have some news though.”

“Okay.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“James, please stop apologizing.”

“Oh, right. Sorry. No, I mean…” James sighed, and Regulus decided to give him a minute to breathe. He sat on the couch, fiddling with the strings on his sweatshirt- it was actually James’ that he stole, but he doesn’t need to know that.

“Do you remember when we got coffee?”

“Yeah.”

“Those girls who were working… they knew us. Or me, at least. I don’t know, but they sold this story to some reporter about what they overheard.”

“Oh,” Regulus said, his heart feeling incredibly hollow all of the sudden.

“There’s more,” James said, not even sounding like himself. He hated this just as much as Regulus did, if not even more.

“Oh,” he said again, not sure what else there could be.

“There’s a picture of us. At the carnival. It- it was just us in line and holding hands but… But she’s running the story. I mean Mary tried, but there’s a bunch of freedom of speech laws and- and I’m really sorry and maybe we should’ve been more careful-”

“James,” Regulus interrupted. Was he seething with anger? Yes, absolutely. But this wasn’t going to affect Regulus in the same way it would affect James. Regulus was already out, or outed. He also wasn’t really in the spotlight as much as James was, especially not anymore

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay?”

He could practically hear James deflate, and he let out a long breath. “I- I’m scared, I think. I mean, I wanted to come out, but not like this. It shouldn’t happen like this. I didn’t want it to happen like this.”

Regulus wished he was back on the forsaken tour bus, genuinely. Because James actually sounded so heartbroken, and if anybody knew anything about what it was like to be outed, it was Regulus. It doesn’t really matter whether you’re out and proud to some people, or are comfortable with your sexuality. It’s a different kind of violation that Regulus wished James would never have to deal with.

“Oh, love.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t be- I mean you already went through this, so I shouldn’t be complaining, but…”

“Don’t do that,” Regulus interrupted.

“What?”

“Don’t… Your problems aren’t smaller just because I already went through it. You’re still allowed to feel however it is you feel.”

James sighed. “I’m really mad.”

“Yeah?”

“I just… Every time I feel like I can accept myself fully, something changes. And I hate it. I hate not… I mean I should be proud right? But I just feel ashamed.”

“Of yourself?”

“Yeah, partly. And of my sexuality. And I hate that, because it isn’t… I mean. I don’t even know what I’m saying. It doesn’t make any sense. I feel like… homophobic to myself.”

Regulus knew all about that, unfortunately. With the way he grew up it was a miracle he was ever able to accept himself. “Internalized homophobia, James,” Regulus said, giving him a name for it. “It’s… common.”

“Oh.”

“I- it doesn’t mean you’re homophobic. It just means you have to work to unlearn some of the stigma.”

“It isn’t like I feel like this toward other people though. I don’t get it.”

The thing about James was that he loved unconditionally. Honestly Regulus thought James might have been the only queer person in the world to never have to go through this phase. Unfortunately, it seems to get to everyone at some point.

“I know. It’s just… it’s hard. Everyone around you is open and lovely and accepting, right? But the thought of opening yourself up to the whole world, especially against your will is terrifying, because not everybody will react well. And people will make you feel different for it, and it sucks.”

James let out a small laugh. “Yeah, it does.”

“I- James?”

“Yeah.”

“When is the article coming out?”

“Umm, tomorrow I think. Or maybe today. I don’t know.”

“Oh, okay. And this is just an idea, okay? But if there is no way to stop the article then maybe you could come out on your own terms before it does. If you want, I mean. Obviously the situation sucks and I know it isn’t how you wanted to go about it, but…” Regulus trailed off before he kept rambling.

James didn’t respond for a very long couple of seconds, and Regulus started overthinking what he said.

“I can’t.”

“Oh. Okay, I mean-”

“No, I mean I literally can’t. Like I’m not allowed to.”

Regulus shut his mouth, freezing in place. His fucking management, that had to be what he was talking about.

“I already talked to Mary and she said that Snape would rather just have the article run and-”

“No.”

“I- no?” James asked.

“Fuck that. You’re getting out of that contract anyway, right?”

“I mean yeah, we are. But it’s all very conditional and we have to make sure to follow the rules in the meantime.”

“They can’t do that.”

“They can.”

“I hate that. I hate them.”

“I know.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“I know.”

There was a pause where neither of them really knew what to say, and then “So what do you want to do?” James asked.

“What?”

“Well… people are going to know.”

Oh, right. Regulus had sort of forgotten he had any part in this. “Oh. That’s up to you.”

“No, don’t do the thing.”

“The thing?”

“Yeah, where you try to appease everyone.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“You are allowed to have an opinion.”

Regulus sighed. “I know. But, really James, whatever you want to do. This affects you more than me.”

“It doesn’t.”

“It does . You’re the rockstar, you’re the one who is being outed, you’re the one who is at the peak of their career. I’m sort of floating into anonymity right now, and I am okay with that. So, just whatever you want.”

***

Whatever you want .

James didn’t know what he wanted. He was so confused, and all of this was new territory. His management wanted him to say absolutely nothing. They didn’t want him to confirm or deny anything. He wasn’t allowed to answer any questions or give any statements. He was stuck. 

“I don’t know what I want,” James said. He didn’t know what this was going to mean. He wasn’t even that worried about his career, or his lifestyle. He wasn’t worried about what everybody was going to say or how strangers would react to this news. He didn’t care about any of that. But that small part in his brain was forcing him to worry about it. Over and over he went through all the possibilities, and he didn’t like any of them.

“Do you want people to know about us?” Regulus asked, trying to prompt him and help him figure it out. James couldn’t do it though.

“Do you?”

“James.”

“Regulus, I can’t… I can’t do it alone. I can’t make this decision for us.”

James was practically begging, but he didn’t care. He couldn’t do it because then he would be responsible for whatever came from it.

“Okay, umm. Okay,” Regulus said, and James could practically hear him thinking. “I don’t know what to do either.”

They were both lost.

“I- I mean what would we even say?” Regulus said, apparently just rambling now. James sort of loves when he does this, vocalizes his thought process. It helps both of them. “We aren’t… Well, we’re dating. You know? Not like…”

“Boyfriends?” James said, able to tell Regulus was struggling to even say it.

“Yeah, right. That. So… I mean, do we leave it?”

“People are going to have questions.”

“Let them.”

“I’m really sorry.”

“James, I’m not mad at you.”

“I know. But it’s still my fault.”

“It isn’t.”

James didn’t say anything. They would have just gone back and forth on this forever. But it was his fault. He was the one who kept pursuing Regulus, he was the one who kept putting them in very public places to have conversations they should have had in private. He was the one who took them to the carnival, and he was the one who kissed Regulus. All of it was his fault.

“I can hear you thinking. Stop.”

“Reg.”

“It isn’t your fault James. You didn’t do anything wrong. We didn’t do anything wrong, okay?”

“It feels like we did.”

“Do you regret it?” Regulus asked. James was almost too quick to answer, but Regulus was genuinely curious. It wasn’t an accusation, it was just a question. “James… I- I mean, we can be more careful. We can just hang out in private. Or… we can end this, if you want. I didn’t mean to get us in this situation.”

“I don’t regret it,” James said. He didn’t regret any of the time he spent with Regulus, or anything they had done. “And I don’t want to end anything. Do you?” James said, suddenly worried that Regulus was trying to let him down gently. Oh that would just be terrible.

“Do you?” Regulus countered.

“No. I don’t.”

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“I mean me either. I don’t want to end this either. I- I like you, so. Yeah.”

James felt himself smiling, perhaps his first real smile since the interview yesterday. Even with everything, Regulus still likes him, and this didn’t change that. James hates that they’re so far away from each other. Dating is kind of difficult when they’re on opposite sides of the world. James should have expected that, but he was so caught up in the time he actually got to spend with Regulus that the idea of them being apart was pushed to the side.

“I miss you,” James said, leaning against the wall of his bunk. They were traveling somewhere, James can’t remember at the moment. All he knows is that every time he looks out the window it’s just more and more cornfields.

Regulus let out a breath over the phone. “I- yeah. Yeah,” he said, and James was willing to bet his entire life that he made Regulus blush.

“Do you miss me?” James teased.

“Obviously, idiot.”

James smiled again. “I wish you were here.”

“James,” Regulus said, his tone a warning.

“Regulus,” James said back, his voice quiet.

“No over the phone flirting.”

“Yeah? Why’s that?” James asked, absolutely still flirting with Regulus. As if he would ever stop.

“Because I wish I was there too, and we both know that, so there’s no need to say it.”

“What would you do?”

“What?”

“If you were here.”

“If I was there?”

“Yes.”

Regulus paused and took a deep breath. James was grinning to himself, messing with his charger cord and looking out the window and thinking about what he would be doing if Regulus were here right now.

“We’re not doing this.”

“Doing what?” James asked coyly. 

“Stop that.”

“Hmm?”

“That thing. With your voice.”

“I’m not doing anything with my voice.”

“You’re doing the thing where you smile.”

“What?”

“I can hear you smiling, which means you are too pleased with yourself.”

James, admittedly, paused for a second. “You can hear me smiling?”

“I can hear your tone. And I know what you sound like when you’re smiling.”

James melted. “You can hear me smiling.”

“You’re doing it again.”

“I can’t help it. You make me smile.”

“Oh my God. Go to bed, Potter.”

“I don’t want to.”

“What time is it there?”

“I don’t know,” James lied.

“James.”

“It’s like four, or something. Not even a big deal.” It was kind of a big deal considering how little sleep James had gotten recently. But it was the price of being on the road, and he drank enough coffee in the morning to make up for it.

“I’m going to hang up, so you might as well go to sleep,” Regulus said. James wondered if he would actually do it, because James would literally just stay on the phone forever and Regulus would keep threatening to hang up but never actually do it. That’s what would have happened if everything went exactly how James wanted it to. Instead, though, Regulus made good on his promise, and after James didn’t respond for probably thirty seconds, he hung up the phone.

James: you hung up on me 

ducky: I did say I would.

Go to sleep.

James: and if I don’t?

ducky: Just go to sleep.

James: :(

ducky: <3

James: goodnight ducky <3

Regulus didn’t respond again, probably because he was hoping that James would do what he said and actually go to sleep. He couldn’t though. And he missed Regulus, so he did what he always does when he misses Regulus, except this time he had a brand new notebook to write in.

Honestly, the duck joke never should have gone on this long, but it was a habit now, and James was more than excited to see that Regulus had started to play along. A duck notebook? Come on, how was James not meant to fall in love?

Writing about Regulus was always easy, especially when he just got to write about the way he felt in a simple way. Overall, things between them weren’t very simple. But it just felt like the easiest thing in the world to be close to him.

The very first thing James wrote in the notebook, the very first thing that came to his head, was this: I love Regulus Black !!

———

Marlene had practically tackled him during soundcheck. The moment he walked through the doors, she was right there waiting for him.

“James!”

He smiled. “Marlene!”

“He finished the song. He sent it to me a couple of hours ago!”

“Regulus?” James asked. He knew he had been close to finishing it while they were in Chicago, but he didn’t know it was actually that close to being done.

“Yes, yes. Your little boyfriend or whatever. He’s kind of brilliant. I hate it.”

James smiled, because yeah, Regulus was brilliant. There was a big part of James that wanted to ask to listen to it, and there was another part of him that wanted Regulus to show him the song himself, especially because he was singing in it. Marlene seemed to be waiting for him to ask, and also waiting to turn him down. She was a bit evil like that.

“He’s lovely,” James said, pulling out his phone to text him very quickly.

James: you finished the song?!

ducky: I did.

James: do I get to hear it?

ducky: …

I assumed McKinnon showed you

James: I wanted you to be the one to show me :)

ducky: Alas, I am in London

James: you are indeed

ducky: Listen to it if you want. I don’t mind.

“Okay, let’s hear it then,” he said, looking back up. Marlene had been reading over his shoulder, which she always did because she was nosy.

“Later,” she said, nodding her head.

“That’s evil,” he said to her as she walked away. Because it really truly was evil.

James has been doing all that he can to stay busy. He has no idea when the article is coming out, and he just wants to get it over with already. He hates the waiting, and the uncertainty of it. He called his mum earlier, mostly because she knew how to get James to relax and also just because he missed her. Of course this resulted in her becoming quite angry with the news agency that was running the story. She hung up to go yell at them, and maybe the power of Euphemia’s words was enough for them to not run it.

She did have quite an influence on people, but then again, they would be making a lot of money from the story. From his story. Perhaps that was why he hated it all so much, because they were telling his story without him. He didn’t have a say in the narrative, or what they wrote about, or how they used the images in their favor. He had no input on something that was largely all about him.

For that reason, James took shots with Peter. Everyone could tell that James was acting different, and they all knew why. That was probably the only reason why they didn’t try and stop him. He could still play guitar, he could still sing, he just did it feeling a bit like the world was spinning.

***

Jame: i miss you

a lot

Regulus: James?

it’s almost 3 in the morning for you

Jame: i knw

im drunk

Regulus: Oh.

Are you okay?

Jame: no

Regulus: where are you?

Jame: on bus

im sage

safe

Normally, Regulus would not care in the slightest about whether or not James was drunk, but he wasn’t acting like himself. So he called him, and was very surprised when he got no answer. So he called him again, and this time James picked up right away.

“Reg!” James said, answering the phone loudly.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong. How are you?”

“Are you drunk?”

“A little, yeah. I miss you.”

“James, you should go to sleep,” Regulus said, leaning against his kitchen counter. He was brewing coffee in the background, but that could be ignored for now.

“The article is coming out in a couple of hours.”

Oh. Now it all made sense. Regulus sighed, already thinking about the best way to avoid the world today. Walburga was going to try to get ahold of him, he had no doubt about that. And even if she didn’t, there were plenty of people who were going to try to get ahold of him just because he was caught with James.

“What time?”

“Dunno. Noon, for you though.”

“Three hours,” Regulus told him, sparing a small glance at the clock in case he was wrong.

Regulus didn’t know what to do, or even how to help. James’ entire life was going to get blown up in a matter of hours, and there wasn’t any good way to prepare for that. He seemed to be coping with alcohol, which Regulus could understand.

“Is this going to change anything? Between us, I mean,” James said.

Regulus so badly wanted to say no, that nothing would change and they could carry on as they have been. But that wasn’t entirely true. Everytime they were seen together from here on out, people would know they were together, or they would at least assume. They wouldn’t be granted any privacy, or any understanding. Before, people thought they were just friends because James Potter likes women, and obviously could never like men, let alone Regulus. Now? Now they would all know.

“It is, isn’t it?” James said, and his voice sounded so sad that Regulus had just decided to hate everything that made him feel that way. Perhaps a bit belatedly, he realized he was one of the factors in making James sad.

“Not- No. We’re still us. We just have to be more aware of our surroundings.”

“Aware of our surroundings,” James repeated.

“I don’t want a super public relationship.”

“A relationship?”

“James?” Regulus asked, because now he was confused. 

“You want a relationship?”

“Well, what did you think dating meant?”

“I didn’t really think about it. I didn’t want to get my hopes up, I guess.”

Regulus sighed, his stomach twisting. He was so bad at this, at all of it. James doubted what Regulus wanted with him, and it was all Regulus’ fault. He didn’t know how to be reassuring, or how to even be honest. He just expected James to read in between the lines, but that wasn’t fair to him. He wanted to be good at this, and he wanted to be someone that James deserved.

“I’m sorry.”

“What?”

“I lo-” Love? Oh, no. Regulus is not going to say that for the first time on the phone to James while he is drunk. “I really like you, James. I’m sorry I can’t express that better.”

“Oh, no. Shit. No, Reg. I- No.”

“No?”

“That isn’t what I meant by that. It’s not your fault.”

“James. I like you. I am dating you.”

“I know,” he said quietly, and it made Regulus think that maybe James did already know, and maybe Regulus wasn’t already messing everything up. It was already so hard with them being so far away. Regulus was six hours ahead, across the world essentially. Neither of them have ever really done a relationship before, at least not since a long time ago. So of course they decided to jump right in and try to do one long distance. Also the fact that they were both in the limelight- James more than Regulus now- complicated things as well. 

“You know?”

“I know. I- I know you’re not the best at sharing what you’re thinking, but you show it in other ways. So, yeah. I just know you.”

Jame said it so flippantly, so maybe it shouldn’t have given Regulus butterflies. But just the idea of being known was so enthralling. It was scary and exciting, and Regulus couldn’t get enough of it. James knew him, and he knew James, and it was something so intimate. The best and worst parts of both of them, and they still were choosing each other.

———

Is Marauder's Heartthrob, James Potter, gay?

Rumors fly after many see James Potter, 23, traipsing all over Chicago this weekend with his bandmates brother, Regulus Black, 22.

click to read more…

The article came out at noon, just like James said it would. It wasn’t great, to say the least. And to make it worse, it was written by Rita Skeeter, the author who wrote the article on Regulus and Barty.

Regulus is tired of people being outed. He’s tired of having to be careful about who he loves or who he chooses to kiss. And he’s beyond angry that James is going through this now too. This never should have happened.

A part of Regulus wants to blame himself. It’s his fault. He dragged James into this mess, he’s the one who made all of the moves at the carnival. James would hate him for thinking like this though, and he would do everything to convince Regulus that it wasn’t true. So, for James, Regulus didn’t blame himself. He should be able to hold hands with his… with James. He should be able to kiss the boy he likes on the ferris wheel, and he shouldn’t have to think about who is around him before he does any of it.

Dorcas came over. Regulus doesn’t know if she had some sixth sense for this kind of thing, or if Marlene told her, but he does appreciate the company. Before he was just sort of pacing around his apartment, biting his nails and refreshing twitter every couple of seconds. He was anxious, and he hates feeling anxious.

Dorcas confiscated his phone, but Regulus had needed to see the article. It wasn’t even about him, not really. He was only mentioned in relation to James. The whole article was just speculating on James’ sexuality though, which was so fucked up. It wasn’t any of their business. Regulus was worried, if he was honest. James has been working a lot on self acceptance, and this can’t be helping that. Regulus just wants him to be okay.

“You are fretting,” Dorcas said, pouring them both another glass of wine. They were day drinking because Regulus didn’t know what else to do with himself, and Dorcas was a good friend who really needed to unwind after a stressful week. She had a lot of work to get done when they all got back from Chicago.

“No, I’m not,” Regulus said, immediately stopping all of his little nervous habits. His leg stilled and he stopped tapping his fingers. He was waiting for a message from James, but Dorcas was holding his phone hostage. Which was probably for the best. The only messages he would end up having would be from his mother, most likely, and he did not want to deal with that anymore.

Sirius was close to finishing everything up with the lawyer, which meant Walbruga would get the memo that she was going to be forced out of the house she has known for the past thirty years. Maybe Regulus should feel bad, but he doesn’t. This feels tame compared to what she deserves, and compared to what she has made both Regulus and Sirius go through, it isn’t much of anything at all. Besides, it isn’t like she will be homeless. She has the apartment. She’ll be fine.

“Has he texted?” Regulus asked, his fingers literally itching to text James.

Dorcas rolled her eyes dramatically and pulled Regulus’ phone out of her pocket. The loo on her face- however fleeting- let Regulus know two things: James hasn’t texted, and Walburga has.

“No,” she said, loving the screen and putting the phone back in her pocket. She was generally a pretty good liar, but Regulus already saw the way her face dropped when she saw Regulus’ phone.

“Let me see.”

“Reg, you don’t want to.”

“I need to.”

She shook her head. “I’m here to stop you from doing exactly this.”

Regulus sighed, collapsing next to her on the couch and waiting pitifully for a text from James. Perhaps he should have expected Sirius to reach out too, but he was genuinely surprised that the next time Dorcas checked his phone there was a missed call and multiple messages from him.

“Call him on my phone,” Dorcas said, knowing Regulus too well to let him have his phone back.

Regulus went into his room and shut the door. There was a very big part of him that did not want to talk to Sirius. Because Sirius would tell him about James, and mowing was somehow worse than not knowing. Still, Sirius was dramatic enough to get on the next plane if Regulus didn’t call him back.

“Hey,” he answered, sounding slightly out of breath.

Regulus did not want to know. “Hello.”

“Have you spoken to James at all?”

“Not for a while. He called me a couple hours ago.”

“Okay, right. So you know then? About the article?”

“Yeah.”

“Have you seen it?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.”

Sirius too in a deep breath. “You can ask, you know?”

“I don’t know if I want to know.” Regulus did still blame himself, even though he knew he shouldn’t and he knew that James would hate it.

“Hmm,” Sirius said, thinking about this for a moment. “You guys should probably talk about it yourselves.”

Regulus realized that Sirius wouldn’t tell him at all now, and he didn’t know whether to be relieved or whether to be scared that he was missing his only opportunity. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah. Couples should talk about these things amongst themselves,” Sirius said, clearly fishing for information that Regulus was not going to give him.

“You’re so obvious.”

Sirius sighed dramatically. “Are you guys together, or what?”

“That isn’t your business.”

“I hate you.”

“I’m leaving.”

“Goodbye Reggie!”

“Bye,” he said, hanging up the phone. 

Regulus learned two things: one, that he needs to talk to James sooner rather than later because now he’s worried, and two, his brother doesn’t know what’s going on. And maybe that doesn’t seem super important, but Regulus likes that James hasn’t told him, and that it’s just something for the two of them.

Dorcas was on Regulus’ phone when he came back, and she put it away in such a hurry that Regulus knew she was doing something that she probably shouldn’t have.

“Cas?”

“Your mother called.”