balancing act

James was not delusional. He wasn’t. He knew that Regulus was being fully serious and that the points he was bringing up were mostly valid. James knew that he had a lot to work through in terms of accepting his sexuality, and that Regulus has a lot of self doubt to work through. He knew all of that.

But… Regulus did kiss him. Not the other way around

James was probably far too giddy about a kiss on the cheek, just a small press of the lips. But he really was very happy about it. Nobody had ever done that to him before, not in a way that wasn’t entirely platonic. It was the most romantic thing that has ever happened to him, and he’s not the slightest bit ashamed to admit it. What did either of them get out of it other than intimacy? Regulus was willing to have tiny moments of intimacy, and so was James. They could take things slowly.

When James went back to his room he did the most cliche thing he could have done, not even caring that Sirius was waiting for him on the bed and watching James make a fool of himself.

James just… he slid down the wall because he literally could not stay standing.

Sirius started laughing at him. “This is pitiful, Prongs.”

James groaned, putting his head between his hands and trying to stop blushing.  Regulus kissed him. And Regulus would be his friend. And he didn’t deny that it was a date.  So what if things were not completely worked out? James was happy with where they ended things, and he ended up getting a goodnight kiss out of it anyway.

“Sirius, I want to do unholy things to that man,” James said.

Sirius cringed. “That man is my brother so if you can keep those thoughts to yourself, thanks. Why are you on the floor?”

Jame started smiling again, and he settled into his spot on the ground. He didn’t think that he’d be able to move for a while.

“Sirius,” James said, eyes bright and stomach bubbling. “He kissed me on the cheek!”

To his credit, Sirius didn’t immediately start gagging, and instead he joined James in his enthusiasm. James knew he was happy for him, but that was before he knew the rest of the story. A lot had happened throughout the day, and James didn’t know where the boundaries were.

“We went on a date.”

“Regulus agreed to go on a date with you?” Sirius asked, which was a very valid question because of how wildly out of character it was.

“No, not quite.” 

“Oh, so you kidnapped him,” Sirius mumbled as if it all made sense.

James shook his head. “He came of his own free will.”

He still couldn’t believe it. Regulus was actually open to the idea of them.

It was hard for James to accept that Regulus would want him even without sex. It wasn’t even a valid worry though, not really. James really wanted to have sex with Regulus, and he’s never just had that carnal urge before. James knew now that this was how everyone else seemed to feel, and he understood why the world would go blind for someone they love. 

And the fact that Regulus wants him without that seems impossible. Maybe it’s James just being hard on himself again, but he doesn’t get it. For as long as James has been in the spotlight, he’s known that he’s attractive. He knows that a large part of his appeal is his looks. Plenty of people have propositioned him for just sex before, so it’s hard for him to imagine he can be anything more than just a warm body.

“That’s disgusting, Prongs,” Sirius said, watching the lovesick expression on his face just get bigger. “I’m happy for you.”

James beamed, standing up and making his way over to the bed. His body was tired, but his mind was on overdrive right now. He laid down next to Sirius, feeling a nostalgic comfort in the person who has always known him best.

“Thank you,” James whispered quietly. He really was so glad to have his best friend back, and to be able to share these things. He could keep the details to himself, or tell Peter and Remus, but he got to share the important things with Sirius, and that was all he wanted to do.

***

Regulus waited five seconds before he completely just fell on the ground.

Regulus is quite sure he’s never felt this before. It was a soul crushing type of happiness. He felt like his lungs were going to cave in. And his face hurt from smiling. He was like a teenage girl in the movies over a small cheek kiss that he initiated. And now he was gushing and his edges were all soft. And his friends were laughing at him.

Barty and Evan were both in the hotel robes and had green face masks on. They looked insane, and Regulus just looked at them the same way they were looking at him. In amusement.

“Why do you look like that?” Regulus asked, lifting his head up and trying not to laugh. He couldn't help it though, he needed to expel some of the warm feeling that had settled in his stomach.

“Why do you look like that?” Barty countered.

Regulus could not take them seriously like this. There were even glasses of champagne on the dresser. They really went all out.

“I feel like I interrupted something.”

Evan snorted. “Just Barty’s self care night. Go put on your robe.”

“I am not involved in this.”

Barty helped him up off the floor and started pushing him toward the bathroom. “Look at you. You’re glowing.”

“Shut up.”

“Put the robe on, lover boy,” Barty said, shutting the door.

Regulus did, but only because the robes were unbelievably soft and Regulus was already missing the warmth of James. The things he said… Regulus had a hard time trusting people, especially when they said nice things to him. Regulus felt like there was no way that James was serious when he said he would take whatever Regulus could give him. Regulus couldn’t give him much, and they both knew that.

The worst part was that Regulus did trust James, which meant he had no choice to trust what he said. There was a part of him that did, without any questions, but there was another part of him that held onto that doubt. Doubt was more familiar than faith, and Regulus had a tendency to stick with what he knew.

Barty was already mixing another face mask for Regulus when he came back out. He used to do them all the time when they were in school, and it felt a bit nostalgic to a time when all three of them shared a room together.

Regulus noticed that there were a bunch of magazines on one of the beds, and he had no doubt that they were wedding magazines. It came as no surprise when Regulus found out Barty and Evan were both so uptight about how they wanted their wedding to be. They’ve been trying to plan it forever now and were still struggling to pick a date.

They went about it differently though. Evan wanted every single detail to be perfect. Barty was more focused on the party aspect and less so the marriage. Whatever they were doing was not working though, and Regulus has had to mediate multiple arguments over what kind of flowers they should have.

“Am I officiating?” Regulus asked while Evan applied the face mask to his skin. It was cold and he hated the way it felt on his skin, but if they were going to look like idiots then they had to look like idiots together.

Barty’s head popped into view a moment later. “What?” he asked, clearly trying to reign in some of his excitement. They have not made a single decision, Regulus was not being dramatic about it. They couldn’t even decide what color they wanted their suits to be. Evan started smiling to himself a little bit, but he stayed quiet for the most part.

“Do you still want me to officiate? Or is there going to be a fight over me as best man?”

“Regulus Arcturus Black, are you being serious right now?” Barty asked, suddenly holding Regulus by the shoulders and shaking him a little bit. Evan was finally done, and he took a step back.

“I am.”

Barty jumped up, moving over to Evan next and shaking him. “Evan, baby! We don’t have to fight over Reggie anymore!” he said, grinning like absolute mad.

Regulus couldn’t pretend he wasn’t happy for them. He couldn’t pretend he wasn’t happy at all, actually. Even though things didn’t work out like he planned for them to, Regulus could not be upset with the outcome if he tried.

***

James did not immediately go to Regulus’ room in the morning, even though he really wanted to. He actually discussed it with Sirius and then decided that the cons would outweigh the pros. Plus, Sirius wanted to speak to him over breakfast or something. They still have a lot to work through, and James had plenty to keep himself busy.

Lily wanted a haircut.

James was actually so excited. Lily had very long red hair, and it looked almost like she had never cut it before. So this was a very, very big step. She was genuinely chopping so much of it off. None of them had the energy or desire to go to a salon, but lucky for them, Remus moonlighted as a cosmetologist.

“Are you sure you know how to do this?” Lily asked. She was sitting at the desk in the hotel room, looking through the mirror to check if Remus really was who he said he was. James was just there for moral support, and Marlene was there because she was trying to distract herself before Dorcas arrived in just a couple of hours. Peter was there out of pure boredom, apparently Benjy was still asleep.

“I used to cut my mom’s hair for her all the time,” Remus said, running a brush through her hair until all of the knots were out.

“You did?” James asked, never having known this. Remus was always very secretive with his home life. Sirius was probably the only one he ever told his secrets too. James felt his stomach leap with a bit of excitement every time he would remember that they were in love and all official. He has only ever wanted to see his friends happy.

Remus nodded. “Yeah.”

Lily took a deep breath, and Marlene grinned at her. “You’ll be fine, Red. I mean, Remus has very dexterous fingers.”

Peter raised an eyebrow at her. “Spend a lot of time looking at Moony’s fingers?” he teased.

“You don’t?”

“Fair point,” Peter conceded. He was already growing a bit restless. “Lily?”

“Peter.”

“Why are you cutting your hair?”

Jame bit back a smile. He had a very good idea as to why Lily was suddenly deciding she wanted a haircut. It was the exact same reason why Marlene was making James paint her nails a bright red. They were just trying to impress other women.

Lily caught his gaze through the mirror and gave him a very threatening look. Still, it was too funny to not tell Peter.

“She wants to get Pandora’s attention,” he said, not even flinching when Lily threw her lip gloss tube at him.

“Hey! He’s gonna mess up my nails,” Marlene said, throwing the tube back at Lily.

Peter started laughing. “Oh, and Marls is doing this for Dorcas!”

James nodded, trying not to shake too much with laughter while he coated her nails. The first layer had already dried, but it was a bit too sheer for it to look right.

“Okay, and what about you? Peter- buys Benjy flowers every week- Pettigrew,” Lily said.

Peter gaped, and even James looked up at him. “Every week, mate?”

“Lily! That was supposed to be a secret!”

Remu, while separating Lily’s hair into a couple of different sections, started laughing. “Ask James what he did yesterday,” he said.

James already felt himself blushing, and he decided this was going to be the last time he ever told Remus Lupin any vital information.

“Potter?” Marlene asked, eyes glowing in amusement.

“Ask Remus what he’s doing with Sirius after the show,” James said to get the attention off of him.

“James literally fell to the ground because Regulus kissed his cheek,” Remus said.

Lily gasped, turning her head quickly to look at James. “He kissed your cheek?”

James couldn’t help but grin. He kept replaying the moment in his head. It was a moment just for the two of them. It just seemed so intimate to him, and now he got to savor it. He wasn’t really able to appreciate the kiss in Vegas, but he would be able to look back on this one with nothing but fond memories.

“He did,” James confirmed. “Also Remus planned the most sickeningly gross date, so.”

“Okay. And which one of us is definitely having sex tonight?” Remus said, raising an eyebrow at James through the mirror.

James smiled at him. “I’m telling Sirius you said that,” James said, knowing that Sirius would find it absolutely hilarious.

“You wouldn’t.”

“I absolutely would.”

“I’ll tell Regulus about your songwriting obsession.”

“He knows,” James told him. James really thought that was the biggest proof that he was more stupid over Regulus than Regulus was over him, but he had been proved wrong. Trust Regulus to one up in a game of who is the bigger idiot. Normally, it would have been James, but he was getting the feeling that Regulus just didn’t lose, not anything.

“He knows?” Peter asked. James was planning on taking that to his grave, essentially. There were too many embarrassing things he wrote over a man he wasn’t even dating, and he knew Regulus would hate it if he ever read them.

“There is no way he would have kissed your cheek if he really knew,” Lily said.

James pretended to be offended, but they did have a point. Regulus would probably burn James’ notebook in front of him if he ever got his hands on it. So James just had to make sure he never got ahold of it.

“Okay, so maybe he doesn't know the full extent of it.”

Remus, without warning, cut off a big portion of Lily’s hair, causing everyone to just sort of stop and watch. James had a feeling that she would look good with short hair, but he was still a bit nervous to see the final outcome.

“Holy shit,” Lily said quietly. Remus was smiling like a maniac, and James wondered why they ever decided to give him this much power. “Somebody distract me with something,” Lily said, looking at everyone’s eyes on her.

Marlene came to save the day, dropping brand new information on all of them. “I’m going to ask Dorcas to be my girlfriend.”

James immediately stopped painting her nails to look up at her. Even Remus paused what he was doing, leaving Lily with a momentarily horrible hairstyle. One half was still the original length and another part of it was almost at the length she requested.

“What?” Peter asked.

For weeks they’ve all been waiting for one of them to make a move. Marlene was literally always on the phone with Dorcas, it was becoming distracting for all of them. So this was progress, to say the very least.

“Anyway, Remus, you might not be the only one having sex tonight,” Marlene said, trying to play it off like this wasn’t a huge deal for her. She hasn’t even considered dating anybody since the breakup with Mary. James, for a time, was worried that Marlene was going to spiral, and she did for a little bit. But it was really nice seeing her be open to loving someone again. Especially if that someone was Dorcas. James liked Dorcas, separately from her being Marlene’s future girlfriend and Regulus’ friend. He just thought she was cool.

Remus went back to cutting Lily’s hair. They put a garbage can there to catch some of the fallen hair, but it was hardly working very well, so the carpet was just littered in strands of red hair.

“Oh, James!” Marlene said, making him almost drop the red nail polish on the white bed. “Did you convince Regulus?” James hesitated for a moment, trying to remember what he was supposed to do. “About the song?”

“Oh,” he said, recognition seeping in. Marlene had wanted him to get Regulus to sing on her song. “Umm, we got a little bit preoccupied, actually.” All head’s turned to him and James shut his eyes tightly when he realized what he said. “No, no. Not like that,” he said quickly.

“Really?” Peter asked, wagging his eyebrows a little bit.

“Nothing happened. We just… we had a conversation.”

“With your tongues, maybe.”

“Peter-”

He laughed. “Okay, I’m done now.”

“What about the song?” Lily asked. She was clearly still trying to distract herself while Remus kept snipping away at her hair.

“I want Regulus to sing in it,” Marlene told her.

James thought it was a brilliant idea, actually. Regulus would almost never go for it, but James was fairly certain he could persuade him.

“Regulus sings?” Remus and Lily both asked at the same time.

Peter didn’t seem surprised at all, and he only shrugged. “That man seems to be able to do everything,” he said as his explanation. James supposed that was true, and for a fleeting moment he was left feeling wholly inadequate. Maybe James could pick up a new skill to impress him, so that he would actually be worthy of having Regulus’ attention.

“He sings like a fucking angel,” Marlene told them. “And I need him.”

“Me too,” James said, grinning a bit helplessly and meaning it in an entirely different context.

He finished painting Marlene’s nails, and she was shaking her hands to try and get them to dry quicker. Remus was close to finishing up on Lily’s hair, and she was avoiding looking at the final product. She turned her chair so that it wasn’t facing the mirror anymore, wanting the entire thing to be a surprise.

“Is it bad? Or uneven?” Lily asked, looking at all of them for some form of comfort.

Marlene smiled at her. “So uneven.”

Remus flipped her off, and Lily looked unsure whether or not she should believe her.

“You look great, Lils,” he told her honestly. The short hair suited her more than the long hair did, in his opinion at least, and she already seemed more confident. Before she was almost able to hide behind her hair, using it as a shield. Now, all of her features were more prominent.

James must not have heard the door open though, because when he turned his head he saw Sirius and Regulus standing there, having just entered. James could only explain the look on Regulus’ face as jealous, and that would simply not do.

“Ducky! Good, you’re here,” James said, subconsciously fixing his posture and smiling wider.

Regulus looked more than unimpressed, somehow.

“Ducky?” Sirius asked, looking between the two of them in amusement.

“Do not ask,” Regulus said. “And no not call me that,” he said, addressing James now.

“Regulus, does my hair look awful?” Lily asked. She could trust Regulus to give her an open and honest opinion on her hair.

“You have that little faith in me?” Remus asked.

“Yes.”

“It suits you,” Regulus said, which was very high praise for him to give out.

Lily beamed. “Will Pandora like it?”

The small smile that was on his face dropped. “Oh, for fucks sake,” he mumbled. “You too?” Lily shrugged, completely unabashed. He turned to Sirius. “No more of your friends liking my friends.”

“Do you even have any more friends?”

“Edgar,” Regulus said with a shrug. Sirius’ eyes widened but whatever he was about to say was cut off by Regulus jabbing him hard in the ribs, causing Sirius to double over. James should not have found it as endearing as he did.

“So, odd’s she’ll like it?” Lily asked again.

“Oh, and odds on Dorcas agreeing to be my girlfriend?” Marlene asked, clearly just trying to slip it in there.

Regulus looked at both of them. “Slim to none.”

***

Regulus will never agree to having a meal with Sirius ever again.

He thought it would be completely innocent. Maybe Sirius would ambush him about James or about his eating habits or something.

But no. Sirius wanted to talk about their mother.

If there was one topic the two of them generally tried to stay far away from, it was Walburga Black. There was a reason they never spoke about her; they never agreed. Ever.

For a very long time Regulus thought that she was somebody capable of change. He thought she was somebody who did love them, despite everything. He knows now that it was all just wishful thinking on his part. Still, that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want her to love him. Everything he has ever done was to gain her validation and approval, and nothing ever worked.

Sirius had tried to tell him it was impossible before, and Regulus had hated him for it.

So they just stayed far away from her as a topic of conversation. Until today, anyway.

It was horrible. 

“Why do you want me to take the house?” Sirius would ask.

Regulus would sigh dramatically and set his fork down in annoyance. “Because. I don’t want her to have it,” Regulus would say.

“But why?”

“Because.”

And around and around they would go.

Regulus kept insisting that Sirius take the main estate, and Sirius kept saying he wanted to know why. Regulus thought his reasoning was good enough. Their mother did not deserve to keep the estate, and Sirius still had the ability to claim it. Neither of them had to live in it. In fact, neither of them would, probably. But she shouldn’t have it.

So Regulus didn’t know what to tell him. He was just… done. He was done with dealing with Walburga. The things she did to them were unforgivable. She was unforgivable. Regulus spent so much time trying to forgive her, and now he just knows it’s for nothing.

Sirius says he doesn’t believe him, and he won’t claim the estate until Regulus tells him the truth. But that is the truth.

And then there was the dreaded James conversation. Regulus wanted to bury himself six feet under while Sirius tried to respectfully ask how things were going. It was so weird, and Regulus is almost positive that James already told him everything. So Regulus didn’t say very much.

He hoped that James wouldn’t tell him about his…breakdown- for lack of a better word. James never should have been there to see it, but Regulus could not get him to leave fast enough. Regulus didn’t ask Sirius if he knew, just in case.

All to say, Regulus was irritable when he went upstairs with Sirius and heard James complimenting Lily. He does not care if she’s a lesbian, or his jealousy doesn’t care at least. She’s a pretty girl with a pretty smile and James told her that she looks good. And she does, which is perhaps the most annoying part. She got a new haircut, apparently to impress Pandora.

He’s not sure how he feels about it; he has not actually given it very much thought since his opinion changes absolutely nothing. Pandora seems to be into her, at least, and he supposes it’s nice to get confirmation that Lily feels the same way.

Still, Regulus decided that Sirius’ friends are ridiculous.

“I have to go pick them up from the airport,” Regulus said eventually.

He was wholly unimpressed and unsurprised when Lily and Marlene both jumped up, asking if they could go with.

“Please, Regulus!” Marlene said, smiling at him like it would sway his decision in any way.

It wouldn’t. Regulus was going alone.

“No.”

“Not even me?” Lily asked.

“No.”

He was just about to turn and leave when he caught James’ eye. It was an accident. Regulus has very pointedly been avoiding looking at him. He had a tendency to feel embarrassed about everything he’s ever done, and that now includes everything that happened the day before.

The things he told James… Well, Regulus was pretty sure he would never be able to look him in the eye again.

“Can I come?” James asked, now that he knew he had Regulus’ attention.

Regulus was absolutely sure that he was going to say no. He thought he had a much stronger resolve than he actually did and that he would be able to resist the intoxicating desire to just be around James. That’s what it was, too. His company alone was addicting.

“Please?” he said when Regulus still hadn’t answered.

“If he gets to go then we all should get to go. It’s only fair,” Marlene said, adding her input where it was wholly unnecessary.

The thing about Regulus was that he did not care what was fair or not. He was not above having biases toward certain people, and he was not above being selfish.

And James was looking at him with those eyes, and Regulus missed him- which took a lot for him to admit, actually, but he did miss James whenever he wasn’t around. So, there’s that.

“Potter can come,” he said, leveling his eyes with James, silently reminding him that they were friends. Or maybe he was just reminding himself.

James beamed at him, and they both ignored the protests coming from Lily and Marlene.

“Potter can come?” Sirius said with a snort.

Regulus hit him with the back of his hand, ducking out of the way before he could retaliate and not waiting for James when he left the room.

“Bye! Love you!” James yelled, blowing kisses as he followed Regulus out.

“Tell me what Dorcas is wearing!” they heard Marlene shout.

Regulus had no plans to do that, but he had no doubt that James would give her every single detail about Dorcas’ outfit.

“Hi, Reg,” James said, falling into step next to him as they reached the stairwell. Regulus would avoid elevators, if he could.

Regulus glanced up at him, a part of him silently hating that he had to look up and another part absolutely loving it. It’s not that Regulus is short, exactly. He’s 5’10 (5’10 ½ if Sirius is around), but James is just fucking tall. Not quite as tall as Remus, but tall enough that Regulus notices. Everyone notices, in fact.

“Hi,” Regulus said, looking away again.

James smelled really good today, which was absolutely an issue for Regulus’ concentration. Not to mention, his shirt was tight and a bit shorter than it should be, revealing an inch or so of his stomach. He was in pajamas still, for fucks sake. Regulus should simply not be so affected.

Then again, he found a new distraction when he saw all of the cameras outside. They couldn’t see them yet, but as soon as they walked out all eyes would be on them.

James sighed a bit, looking for another way out.

There wasn’t one. Which was fine. Regulus was fine. James was here, so Regulus was fine.

“The car is out front,” Regulus said, eyes a bit unfocused. He called the lobby and had them bring the car around. Regulus would be driving though, he hated letting go of control and letting somebody else drive him around.

“Yeah,” James said softly. Regulus knew he was only hesitating because of Regulus. James had no issue in front of a camera, at least not in the way Regulus did. That’s not to say he doesn’t photograph well, because he does. But he just hates it. He hates that a lens can capture his every moment, and he hates that images are still. There’s no movement or clues to what happens next. They say a picture says a thousand words; Regulus thinks they tell a million lies. People draw their own conclusions based on one photo from one misleading angle, and they are almost always wrong.

“Ready?” Regulus asked after a deep breath. He has no idea how they were found, and they’ve actually been very lucky with avoiding paparazzi thus far.

James looked at him for so long that Regulus had to meet his eye, otherwise James would have kept staring forever without actually answering him. 

“What?” Regulus asked.

“You’re beautiful.”

Regulus’ first instinct was to slap him. He doesn’t know why, and he didn’t actually do it. But that was the first thought that crossed his mind.

“Literally why the fuck would you say that to me?” Regulus asked. He can admit that he does not have the best reaction to compliments. He can also admit that James takes Regulus’ reactions very well.

James shrugged. “I thought it, and it’s true.”

“Do you just say everything you think?”

“I think we both know the answer to that,” James said with a smile.

Maybe James’ plan was to simply distract Regulus enough to make him less focused on the cameras surrounding them when they stepped outside, because it worked well enough that he doesn’t even remember walking to the car.

It wasn’t until Regulus started the car up and drove out of the hotel parking lot that he realized James had more than just one ulterior motive. He was so distracted by his shirt to remember that James was actually evil.

“So, the song,” James said, drumming his fingers on his thigh.

“Do not start with me.”

“Look, I was talking to Marlene, and she said she doesn’t even have to put your name on it. It can stay completely anonymous.”

Regulus glanced at him before turning back to the road. Another reason he insisted upon driving? He has something to focus on other than James, and it gives him something to do if he decides he just does not want to answer him.

Like right now, for example. Regulus had no interest in entertaining this subject, so he simply did not. Unfortunately, James did not seem to take the hint; he never really did.

“And you’ll sound fantastic.”

Regulus turned up the radio to tune him out even more, although they both stopped when they realized it was one of James’.

Regulus didn’t even have to look to know that James was grinning at him. He always gets a kick when he hears one of the Marauder’s songs on the radio. Regulus, although he will never admit it, actually finds it endearing the way James lights up.

“Do you the song?” James asked.

Regulus spared him one singular glance, trying to show how unimpressed he truly was- even though he wasn’t. “I find it nauseating.”

James hummed. “It would sound better if it were your voice on it.”

This man- Oh, Regulus hates him so much he can’t stand it. His stomach drops and his heart does embarrassing little flips and twirls. It’s the same way he feels when he’s dancing, but better. Impossibly better. There is no high quite like James. 

“You do realize that my brother is the one singing,” Regulus said, knowing that he was going to bring this up to Sirius later. James likes his voice better, and he will be using this as his opportunity to get Sirius back for this morning.

James seemed to realize this the same time Regulus did. “Oh, right. Well, I love Sirius, you know? And we probably shouldn’t tell him I said that.”

“I’m going to tell him,” Regulus said declaratively.

James groaned, hitting his head against the headrest and shutting his eyes. Regulus did not get any ideas. He didn’t. (He did).

“Okay, fine. I accept my fate. But only if you sing for me.”

“James, I will drop you off on the side of the street.”

James gasped dramatically. “I’m too pretty for the street, Regulus. What if I get kidnapped?”

Regulus felt himself smiling. “Turnabout’s fair play.”

***

James was in awe of Regulus. He always has been, really. And he’s so clever that it makes James want to jump off of a cliff. He’s just so unfair. Unfairly intelligent, unfairly gorgeous, and unfairly funny. He doesn’t even need to try.

Turnabout. Regulus was definitely referring to the time where they guided him to the tour bus, which was not kidnapping, in James’ opinion.

“I didn’t kidnap you.”

“You did. You kidnapped me from a hospital, of all places.”

“Yeah, but was it really kidnapping though?”

“Yes.”

“You’re not a kid though.”

“You can still kidnap adults,” Regulus told him, sounding completely tired of the conversation. James might have taken it more seriously if it wasn’t for the small smile on Regulus’ face.

“You can?”

“Yes. I researched it.”

James gave him a look, one that Regulus couldn’t see because his eyes were on the road, but one that James knew he could feel. “You researched it?”

James saw the corner of Regulus’ lips turn up even more. “I did.”

“Why would you do that?” James was in awe, he hadn’t been joking about that.

Regulus shrugged. “I wanted to be sure.”

“Sure that we kidnapped you?”

“Precisely.”

“But we didn’t.”

“You guys took me against my will. What do you think kidnapping is?”

James sighed. “Fine. Say we kidnapped you. You’d think that after your experience with it you wouldn’t want me to go through the same thing.”

Regulus was smiling when he spared a glance at James. “We’ve already established my opinions on turnabout.”

James was having too much fun. “You’d do that to me?” James said with a pout. “You’d let me get kidnapped just because of turnabout?”

“Yes,” Regulus said instantly. James saw right through him, and he just kept looking at Regulus. There wasn’t anything he could do about it though, not while he was driving anyway.

“You’re lying,” James said, calling his bluff.

“And you’re staring.”

“I know.”

“Don’t. It’s distracting.”

James smiled. “It’s distracting when I stare at you?”

Regulus sighed. “Yes, and I’m trying to drive. So stop.”

James decided to give him a break, and he turned his head to look out the windshield instead. James knew that Regulus did not like to be seen much, or perceived at all really. Unfortunately for him, James had already noticed Regulus, and he was not planning on looking away any time soon.

———

“How would you describe your pants?” James asked. Dorcas raised an eyebrow, and she spared a small glance at Regulus. He seemed to be slightly amused at least, and James was trying to craft a message to Marlene. 

“Potter,” Dorcas said, less amused than Regulus was.

“They’re linen,” Pandora told him. 

If James was honest, neither of them looked like they had just spent hours on a plane. Actually, they looked like they had stopped at the bathroom and freshened up.

“Linen?” James asked. He didn’t know pants could be linen, he thought that was strictly reserved for things like curtains and tablecloths. Regulus sighed dramatically, carefully plucking James’ phone out of his hands. “What are you doing?”

“What you’re incapable of,” Regulus said, typing away on his phone. He kept looking back up at Dorcas, she and Pandora were still just standing there without knowing what was going on.

James looked over his shoulder, using it as an excuse to stand close to Regulus while he watched him type out a message to Marlene. He was describing all of the details of Dorcas’ outfit, James didn’t know he could do that. It made him smile.

“Well, you two look radiant today,” James said cheerfully. He was standing a little bit behind Regulus still, and he looked up from the phone screen, trusting Regulus to write whatever he saw fit.

Dorcas narrowed her eyes. “You two look awfully like a couple.”

Regulus snapped his head up, pausing what he was doing. James decided to let him answer this one. “We’re not a couple.”

“No?” Pandora asked.

“Not…yet,” Regulus said slowly. From this angle, James couldn’t see his face, but he could practically feel him blushing, and James was certain he had a similar look on his face. Because that meant that Regulus was thinking about it, and he wasn’t completely brushing James off. 

Not yet.

James watched Pandora silently communicate with Regulus, leaving both Dorcas and James incredibly confused until Regulus sighed. He finished typing on James’ phone and handed it back, all without making eye contact.

“You guys can walk from the airport next time,” Regulus mumbled, turning around to start walking to the car and forgetting that James was just… there. He ran right into him. James still didn’t move, he just looked down at Regulus and smiled. James had been right, Regulus was blushing.

“Hi, Ducky.”

“If you don’t stop calling me that-”

James raised an eyebrow. “What? What are you going to do?” James challenged.

Regulus met his gaze for a moment, staring James down. “It’s time to go,” he announced, walking around James this time.

Pandora and Dorcas both grinned at him. It was almost a pitying kind of smile.

“Oh, this is going to be great,” Dorcas said, patting James on the shoulder and then following after Regulus.

“You’re sitting in the back. Next to me,” Pandora told him. James didn’t even think about disagreeing.

Pandora, from what James knows so far, is a very kind soul. She also is a ballerina and she has a generally sweet disposition. James is also learning that Pandora is scary when it comes to Regulus. She spoke quietly to him the entire ride back, and James tried to answer her questions to the best of his ability. The problem was that so many things were still up in the air. They weren’t on any sort of timeline or in any rush, and James didn’t really know how to explain what it was they were doing.

In his mind they were pre-dating. They were unlearning the stigmas in their minds about themselves, and they were helping each other through those things. And they were friends, at the very least he was confident that they were friends.

Regulus met James’ eye through the rear view mirror, and he must have seen the subtle fear on his face. “Pandora, stop threatening James.”

Pandora gasped. “I am not threatening him. Right James?”

James nodded, assuming that that was the safest course of action. “Yup, no threatening going on back here,” he said. He was affirmed when Pandora gave him a sharp nod.

“You’re a shit liar,” Regulus mumbled.

———

“Holy shit,” Sirius said. James shushed him, still trying to listen to the voicemail that their lawyer had left for him. He must not have seen his phone ring, probably distracted by Regulus. “Holy shit!” he repeated, louder.

“Give me a call back when you can; we can discuss it more later.”

James stared at the phone for a couple of seconds when the voicemail ended. He wasn’t sure how to react, or what to even do. He knew that this was the exact news they were waiting for, and he knew that his reaction was greatly lacking in enthusiasm, especially in comparison to Sirius’. But James couldn’t really believe that the solution was so simple.

“Band meeting! Band meeting right fucking now!” Sirius said, running out of the room to go and knock on Peter’s door, repeating the same phrase over and over while he knocked. James sat on the edge of the bed, trying to force himself to be present. James was never one to back down from an uncertainty. Things like that gave him a thrill, almost like a burst of adrenaline when he didn’t know how something was going to turn out. But this was their whole lives. This was everything they have worked for since they were just teenagers in James’ garage. It was very possible that choosing to do this would derail all of their careers.

That’s not to say that James wasn’t so grateful that they found a way out of their contract, but there were conflicting feelings. And what about Mary? She still worked for them as a talent manager, and James couldn’t imagine trying to find anyone else. And what about Lion’s Head? They would have to go through the same things to get out of their contract too.

When Sirius came back, Remus and Peter were both with him. Remus looked like he had just woken up and Peter just looked confused. Sirius seemed to be full of boundless energy, James thought it was best to let him take point on this.

“Good, we’re all here,” Sirius said. They never really have ‘band meetings’. Only when they’re in the final stages of an album and need to make a bunch of quick decisions. But even then, it’s never just the four of them. They are almost always together though, so there wasn’t much of a point for formal meetings.

Remus still looked pouty when he sat down next to James, clearly trying to fight the urge to just lay down completely.

“Alright Moony?” James asked.

Remus’ eyes were only half open, but he nodded. “Yeah, yeah. Alright.” He rested his head on James’ shoulder. Sirius noticed the movement, but James was pretty sure Remus’ eyes were still open.

“We have a way out!”

“Outta what?” Peter asked, stirring to life a little bit more.

“Of the contract,” James told him.

This information seemed to get Remus’ attention, because he sat up straight. “What?”

Sirius beamed at him, and even James started smiling. This was a good thing, an overwhelmingly good thing. He was allowed to be happy about it. 

“If we get proof of them using the contract against us illegally then we can either get them to terminate it, or just sue them,” Sirius explained.

“Against us in what way?” Remus asked. He liked to have all of the facts before deciding much of anything.

Sirius looked to James to explain this one, since he was the one with more information in this regard. “Remember that meeting we had? The one without Sirius because he was with Regulus?” James asked. Peter and Remus both nodded, so James continued. “Basically we need proof of them saying something like that, a recording of it or an email. Something.”

“So proof of them stopping any of us from coming out?”

“Yes!” Sirius said. It would be so easy to get, too, which was almost sad.

If there were one bandmate who they would never let publicly come out, it was Sirius. They said before that Remus could because he was seen in public with a girlfriend, so the bisexual label wasn’t a threat in their eyes. Even James or Peter could probably pull enough strings since they were both sort of ambiguous with how they labeled themselves. But Sirius? No, they explicitly said that he was not allowed to come out.

So that was how they formed their plan. It was relatively simple. Sirius was going to call management, preferably getting on the phone with Severus Snape himself, and then make a bunch of demands that would result in Snape incriminating himself. They were hardly careful about it. Plus, James and Sirius had made sure to keep this whole thing quiet so that their management would not know about it in advance. If they knew about it then they could form their own plan, and that would have made all of their work null and void.

It’s just…. well it was going to be hard.

Sirius put on a good show, he always did, but James knew it got to him. The homophobia and the repression of self, it was hard for anyone to deal with, and it was especially hard for Sirius. He spent so much time smothering his identity for his parents. He would cram himself into a box just to try and appease them only for it to never work. When Sirius moved in with the Potter’s… it took a while, but Sirius did grow into the person he always wanted to be, only for all of that self growth to be snatched away.

It could be worse, they all knew it could be worse. They still got mostly free control over their wardrobe and their makeup, and nothing they did on stage was too heavily forced.

But it was hard.

“You’re sure?” James whispered quietly.

Sirius nodded. “I don’t care about their opinions. You know that.”

“Yeah, I know. I was just checking.”

Sirius smiled, and it actually eased a lot of James’ worries. “You’re so cute,” he said teasingly, pinching James’ cheeks.

James let him, and he felt his face slowly turn into a smile. “Aww shucks,” James said, reaching up and pinching Sirius’ cheeks as well.

Peter coughed. “Sorry to interrupt your moment, lovebirds, but I texted Mary. She said if it works she’ll put in her two weeks.”

James raised an eyebrow. Mary made good money working for them, and they all knew that. So it did come as a bit of a shock that she would be so open to quitting.

“Alright, so we’re ready then?” Sirius asked.

James nodded, because even if he was a bit anxious, he was more than ready for this mess to be over.

***

They had the studio for four hours.

Regulus thought that Marlene was wasting her time- and his time- trying to get Regulus to agree to sing. He had said no every time, and she should honestly just respect his answer at this point.

More people joined them today. There was Marlene, Benjy, and Regulus like the day before, but joining them was Emmeline, Alice, and Dorcas. Regulus is pretty sure that Pandora is with Lily, and he is very sure that he will be hearing all about it later.

“We’re not discussing this anymore, pick someone else,” Regulus said. He was growing more and more frustrated each time she asked. And, you see, Regulus was trying to be nicer these days. Maybe it was the influence of James, or maybe he has just done a bit of growing. Either way, it’s incredibly difficult to be nice when he knows it would be easier to be mean.

Marlene raised an eyebrow. “You know what, fine. Benjy? Do you mind?” she asked.

Oh, and Regulus could see right through her. He knew exactly what she was doing, and he knew it would work too. He hated it, but he entertained it anyway.

Benjy was not a bad vocalist. Their voice was good- although they could use improvement if Regulus was going to be nit picky. It just didn't blend very well with Marlene’s, and it also was too rough for the song. So Regulus did understand why Marlene was pushing so hard for this, but he was certain that she knew plenty of other people with good voices, and he really should be nothing other than a very last resort, not a number one pick.

They all noticed it almost right away too, listening to Benjy’s take over the rest of the song solidified that their voice would not give the effect that Marelene wanted. And he could admit that the song was missing a harmony that only another voice could provide. Still, he refused to give in. He was not a singer.

Marlene looked smug though. “Hmm, now, Regulus, in your professional opinion, how do you think that sounds?” she asked.

“It sounded fine,” Regulus said noncommittally. 

“I’m just asking for one take,” she said, switching to negotiation since her earlier tactics didn’t work.

“We both know it will take more than one take.”

“Reg, I think you should do it,” Dorcas said. Regulus did not forget that she was the whole reason for this mess. If she never would have sent that video, then Marlene never would have asked this of him.

“No.”

“Is there nobody in the world that can convince you?” Marlene mumbled with a sigh.

And then, comically, Dorcas’ lips spread into a slow grin. Regulus could see the wheels turning, and he could see the slightly evil spark in her eye. Regulus knew what she was thinking, he saw right through her. And yet, he was powerless when Dorcas locked herself and Marlene in the bathroom, no doubt about to dial James’ number.

Regulus was worried about this, actually. James has hardly tried to convince Regulus to do it, really. It’s only been a passing thought that Regulus has been able to distract him from continuing thus far. He got a feeling in the pit of his stomach though, and he was already so weak when it came to James.

Regulus could contend with Marlene. He could tell her no and not feel any lingering feelings of remorse or guilt. James was different though, and it was unfair that they would use it against him like this.

Regulus played around with the track for a little while. He had Emmeline and Alice record some minor background vocals. Marlene and Dorcas had returned, and they had equally naseauting smiles on their faces. It meant that Reguls’ worst nightmare was coming true, only further confirmed by the text he received.

Jame: see you soon ducky <3

Regulus: stop calling me that

Jame: or what

Regulus: you don’t want to know

Jame: that’s so hot, ducky <3

Regulus: die.

He focused on the song instead of worrying about his impending doom. He blended the voices, making sure that they weren’t too overpowering while also trying to make sure they were heard. He probably spent too long on something that was fairly simple, but he had no interest in any of the conversations going on around him, at least not until they all came to a stop at the sound of the door opening.

Regulus felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up, and he spun himself around in the chair. James and Peter were standing there, and Regulus knew that he was expecting it, but he was so unprepared.

James beamed when they made eye contact. “I am so glad to see you,” he said. Regulus had no room to even doubt his words, James was just embarrassingly honest about these things.

“Oh,” Regulus responded because he was not honest about those things. James kept walking into the room until he was in front of Regulus. “I know what you’re trying to do.”

James turned his head to the side. “Oh, you do?” 

“Yes.”

James held his hand out for Regulus. “Good, then follow me.”

Regulus looked at him a bit warily. They still had a lot of work to be done on the song, he didn’t exactly have time to go gallivanting with James.  That didn’t stop him from wanting to though, and Regulus had a tendency to be selfish.

“It isn’t going to work,” Regulus said, making sure he was putting that distance between them already. He couldn’t leave any room for James to think that Regulus would agree.

James waved his hand a little bit, smiling. “C’mon, Reg.”

Reluctantly, except not reluctantly at all, Regulus grabbed his hand and let James guide him out of the room. Really, they didn’t have time for this. The song was not finished yet, and they only had the studio for a couple more hours. He had to pull a lot of strings to book the time blocks that he did, and he wasn’t sure if he could get away with it again.

But, apparently he was fine with dropping everything just because James asked for Regulus to follow him. 

Regulus thought he would follow him to the ends of the Earth.

James brought Regulus into a sort of communal room. There were couches and a refrigerator, and the room was empty.

And James was just looking at him with complete adoration. If it were anybody else, Regulus would have second guessed it,  but there was nothing hidden in the way James looked at him now.

“Uhh, how was your day?” Regulus asked, trying to break the silence. He always felt uncomfortable when he was being looked at for too long, but there was no escaping being noticed when it came to James. He just seemed to actually look at Regulus, which was not something he was used to.

James let out a sigh. “Kind of exhausting, actually.”

Regulus raised an eyebrow, now intrigued to what was deemed so exhausting to James. “It’s not over yet,” Regulus pointed out.

James groaned, folding inward and pressing his head to Regulus’ shoulder. They were just standing in the room, and Regulus stumbled back a little, hitting the wall lightly. “I know,” James said, his voice muffled by Regulus’ shirt.

Regulus tried to fight a smile, but James smelled really good. “Why was your day exhausting?”

James pulled away a little bit, but he was still crowding in very closely to Regulus. “Hard work to get out of a contract.”

Regulus had heard a little about this, from both James and Sirius. He knew they were trying to get unsigned from their management, but that the contract they were in was making it almost impossible. “Didn’t go well?”

“It went fine, I guess. Just hard.”

“Things that are worth it usually are,” Regulus said.

And that was apparently the wrong thing to say. James’ face lit up, and Regulus could see the hell’s turning in his brain, more than likely trying to find a way to use Regulus’ words against him.

“Sort of like how hard it is to try and convince you to sing.”

“Do not start,” Regulus said.

James let out a breathy laugh, not knowing the effect it would have on Regulus. He could feel James’ breath on him, and he was having a very hard time staying focused. What was the focus? What were they doing here again? 

“There are plenty of other things I could start,” James said, his fingers starting to trail along Regulus’ jawline now.

“Seducing me will not make me agree,” Regulus said, even though he was starting to doubt the validity of that statement.

“I’m not trying to get you to agree to anything,” James said, his fingers still dancing.

He was so close. Regulus remembered what it was like to kiss him; the memory of it banged through his whole body when he remembered how James kissed him. And he was so close to doing something so stupid, because they were just friends. They were friends right now because they had a lot to work through.

This did not stop Regulus from practically salivating over the view of James absentmindedly chewing on his lip, like he was so hyper focused on Regulus that nothing else existed.

“Then what are you doing?” Regulus asked, surprised that his voice actually worked right now. His throat felt a bit tight and his brain felt clouded. Regulus hasn’t really explored his physical attraction to James much. He knew it was there, and there was the kiss of course, but it just felt like the least important thing between them. Regulus was now aware enough to know that all of the conversations they’ve had and the time they’ve spent together were important. That’s where they connected originally, and that was why it felt so all-encompassing.

Regulus doesn’t think there’s a single person he’s gotten to know this much before sleeping with them, and he doesn’t even mind admitting that. Relationships had just never interested him before, and he didn’t think there was anything wrong with that.

And as cliche as it was, it was just different with James. Regulus wanted to be with him for more than just the physical stuff, he wants him even if they never have sex.

Still, the physical stuff is apparently very strong between them as well, because as soon as James presses the first tiny kiss to Regulus’ jaw, he knows it’s over.

The kiss itself is so light, almost like he was never even there. James is testing the waters, Regulus knows. And they both know that this will not be going very far; they still need to actually talk about it. They need the boundaries and the clarifications because this is new for James, and because sometimes Regulus just does not want to be touched, and he will make it very clear, but he still needs that conversation.

James pressed another kiss to his jaw, a bit higher up and a bit more firm. Regulus decides that the conversation can wait for now, and he lets himself enjoy the simple feeling of James’ lips pressed to his skin.

“Reg,” James mumbled, his breathing slightly uneven. Regulus couldn’t even respond, so he just hummed. “I- I have to leave soon.”

“Why’s that?”

“The world’s cruel.”

“Mm, cruel indeed,” Regulus said, trying not to pout when James pulled away from him. Regulus was technically the one that was supposed to be more logical between them, he has been throughout most of this, but for the life of him he would not have been able to tell James to stop, or to remind him that theywere friends. James seemed to do that himself though.

“I’m sorry,” James said, slightly sheepish. It was different to see James being bashful, and if he were anybody else Regulus might have made fun of him.

“You don’t need to be,” Regulus told him. 

“I know. I just… I feel like I should be,” James said. He still hadn’t pulled away completely, he was still towering over Regulus, looking in his eyes for some sort of answer.

“Are you ashamed?”

“Not of you,” James said quickly.

“I know. That’s not what I meant,” Regulus assured him.

“Oh.”

He didn’t mean to do this right now, not when they both still have a lot to do. But it looked like it was going to happen anyway.

***

James was lost on what to say. He never really thought of shame as a thing that played into his struggles with his sexuality, but hearing Regulus phrase it so easily was making him reconsider. James has been in the public eye long enough to know. how people reacted to things they perceived as different, and apparently he had internalized some of those feelings. He was a bit ashamed. It felt like he was giving them exactly what they wanted. James was viewed as some sort of sex God, and that was fine. when he wasn’t interested in anybody sexually, he never placed much merit in it at all, actually.

But he was interested in Regulus, and that was different. He was not ashamed of Regulus, quite the opposite. But he was ashamed of what he wanted with Regulus, and he didn’t really know how to voice any of that.

“I don’t want to be,” James said finally. Regulus was waiting patiently. And he looked so pretty. James really had not asked him to come in here under a ruse, but Regulus was there and he looked so open to James; for James. He really had not meant to start kissing him.

Even still, he was just listening to what James had to say. He was actually listening with no other expectations. Everyone always had expectations for him, but Regulus didn’t.

“I know, love. It’s not your fault,” Regulus said, his voice quiet.

James couldn’t help but grin. “So you can call me love but I can’t?”

“It's different,” Regulus insisted.

“Is it?”

“Yes.”

“How so?”

“Because I don’t call everybody love.”

James felt very light all of the sudden. “Just me then?”

“Just you.”

“Oh, well that’s quite lovely.” And it really was. Everything about Regulus was lovely.

“James,” Regulus said, his tone slightly reprimanding, which reminded James that he went off topic. He couldn’t help it though, he could never stay properly focused around Regulus.

“This is an important conversation,” James pointed out. 

“It is.”

“Neither of us really have time for it right now.”

“We can make time.”

“But the song.” Regulus was producing a song right now, or he was supposed to be. Actually, James was supposed to be here to try and convince him to sing in it. He was not doing a great job so far.

“It can wait.”

“And my soundcheck?”

Regulus smiled a little. “How necessary are you really to soundcheck?”

“Not very,” James admitted. He would just need to be sure to be there in time to get his in-ears put in.

Regulus hummed and James found the noise to be quite addicting. “Well, then we have time. If you want it. We have the time.”

There was a small pause, and then, “I really want to kiss you,” James said, because sometimes he was stupid. And it was true, and it felt a bit too strong for him to just leave alone. He wanted to kiss Regulus, and he’s not sure he’s ever actually wanted to kiss somebody before.

Regulus rolled his eyes, hitting his head against the wall behind him. He looked like he was exercising great restraint, and if anybody understood that right now, it was James.

“That’s…” Regulus blew out a deep breath and James watched him in amusement.

“That’s… what?”

“Mutual. It’s mutual.” James opened his mouth to say something, but Regulus stopped him. “Which is why we need… to talk.”

James raised an eyebrow. “We need to talk?” James asked. “Reg, you can’t break up with me before we’re even together.”

“Shut up,” Regulus said, letting out a small laugh and shoving James away. “We’ll never get anything done if you’re this close to me.”

“Am I that repulsive?” James asked, stumbling back and acting like Regulus pushed him particularly hard.

“Do you even need to ask?”

In the end they sat on the couch, an entire cushion in between them. Regulus was holding a pillow to his chest and made a motion that let James know that the floor was his.

He’s never had an issue talking before, but he’s also never really tried to talk about himself. Not in this way.

“I feel weird,” James said, even though that felt like the wrong word. 

“Weird?”

“Or… no. No, not weird. Just embarrassed, I guess.” It was as he was saying the words that he realized they were true. He did feel embarrassed about his desires; he felt like he shouldn’t be having them. Which didn’t make any sense. He grew up in a very sex positive household, so it wasn’t like he should feel embarrassed. “I think… You remember Alecto?”

Regulus’ face changed at the sound of her name, and he looked entirely displeased that James would say it. “Unfortunately. Do you think she’s the reason why?”

Alecto had caused James to feel a lot of guilt, and he had thought that guilt was where it ended. But maybe she contributed to making him feel like this. Why did he feel attracted to Regulus and not to her? Was that fair? Probably not. During their relationship she was sweet, and there was no reason for James to not want to sleep with her, and she made sure he knew that.

“Yes,” James said, no longer having any doubt about that. “But… I don’t think that’s fair to her. To put the blame on her.”

“Was she fair to you?” Regulus asked, even though they both already knew the answer. “You don’t need to put all the blame on her, James. But it’s okay to say she had a big part in making you feel this way.”

“I don’t think I was fair to her,” James said.

Regulus sat up straighter. “What?”

His gaze was strong, and he looked like he was going to tell James he was being an idiot for even thinking like this. “I- Reg… Oh, this might be weird to say.”

“Say it. I won’t judge.”

James raised an eyebrow, but he believed him. Through everything that James has said, Regulus has not judged him. “I am very physically attracted to you. Like, more so than I have been to anybody else, ever. And… well it wasn’t fair of me to continue with her when I didn’t want sex, right? I knew what she wanted, and so, wasn’t I leading her on?” 

“James, you were a teenager,” Regulus said as if that was going to solve everything. He didn’t know how to unlearn all of this guilt he had.

“So was she.”

Regulus turned his head, considering this. “Okay, yeah. Okay. But now you’re both adults, and she’s the one who keeps trying to make you feel guilty for it. You deserved better than somebody who just wanted you for sex, James, and I’m sorry she made you feel this way, but you have got to know that you didn’t do anything wrong.”

James didn’t respond. He didn’t know what to do. He understood what Regulus was saying, and he knew he was right. He knew that Alecto was holding onto this for far too long, and she was making James feel miserable about himself in the process.

“I didn’t like her as much as she liked me.”

“That’s normal.”

“Is it?”

Regulus shrugged. “Well, yeah. Not everybody is meant for each other, right?”

James supposed that was true. “Right,” he agreed.

“Okay, so that’s just what it was. You guys weren’t meant for each other. And you didn’t lead her on,” Regulus added, almost as an afterthought.

“I feel like I did.”

“Did you tell her you wanted to have sex with her?”

James thought back, even though he already knew the answer. “No. No, I didn’t. The opposite, actually.”

Regulus nodded. “And she should have accepted that. And if she didn’t, well her loss, really.”

James smiled. Somehow the action felt easy even after a heavy conversation. Regulus made things easier. He made it easier for James to be himself. “Oh, I really, really like you, Regulus Black,” he said. 

He saw Regulus blush, very obviously avoiding eye contact now. James didn’t mind. He didn’t say it so that Regulus would say it back, and he didn’t even say it to see his reaction. He just said it because it was true.

“I’m working on it. The shame I feel surrounding sex,” James told him. Regulus looked like he could use a change of topic, and James was a nice person.

“That’s all you can do.”

“You make it better.”

Regulus groaned, putting his head in between his knees. He had pulled them up sometime in their conversation, which now made it easy for him to just drop his head a little bit. “You need to stop saying stuff like that to me.”

“It’s true.”

“I know.”

“It’s scary, you know? But like a good kind of scary.”

Regulus looked up, a small smile on his face that was threatening to widen. “What do you mean a good kind of scary?”

“Like roller coasters. When your stomach drops and it's exhilarating and fun, but also a bit terrifying.”

“Roller coasters are nothing but death traps.”

James started laughing, he couldn’t help it. “Of course that’s your stance.”

Regulus did not seem to find this funny. “It’s a valid concern.”

“More people get struck by lightning every year.”

“So?”

“So the odds are incredibly slim.”

“If there is more than a 0% chance then the odds are too high.”

James would have responded, but he got a brilliant idea instead. He hadn’t been planning on going at all, but now here was the perfect excuse to go to the carnival that was happening. They couldn’t go tonight because James had a show to perform, but they were still in Chicago for the entire day tomorrow.

“What’s that look?” 

James wiped his face of whatever expression was just on it. “What look?” he asked innocently.

Regulus sat up. “Whatever you’re scheming, my answer is no.”

To cover what he was actually planning, James brought up the song again.

***

“This is the last time I will mention it,” James said, and Regulus could already tell where it was going. “But I do really think you should do the song. At least try, and if it doesn’t work then scrap it. No harm.”

Regulus was very unsure. In his mind there was a lot of harm. For starters, Sirius would be pissed- although that was more of a pro than a con. But still, he probably wouldn’t like Regulus branching into what was decidedly Sirius’ ‘area’. Regulus would probably be mad if Sirius suddenly took up ballet. And there was the harm to his ego. He didn’t really want that entire room of people to hear him sing, that just sounded uncomfortable to him. He couldn’t hide behind his voice like he could with dance. Dancing was the distraction, it took the focus off of him and put it onto his movements, his body. With singing there was no outer distraction. It was just him.

“James-”

“Please? For me?”

Regulus smiled, almost laughing. “What makes you think I’d do it for you?”

James suddenly shuffled closer to Regulus on the couch, close enough that their bodies were touching. “I’ll give you a kiss,” he offered, which was probably more than enough to get Regulus to bend to his will.

“We’re friends,” Regulus said. Even he knew that it was a very weak argument. They weren’t friends because they were already so much more than that.

“I know. And I also know we had a nice long talk about my feelings about my sexuality. And the best way to stop harboring all of this shame is to associate physical things with happier memories.”

Regulus snorted. Of course James would use this to get what he wanted. “Happier memories?”

“Mhm. Like kissing pretty boys right before they sing, for example.”

Regulus turned so he was mostly facing James, making eye contact. “You realize you are using coercion to get me to do what you want, right?”

James’ eyes moved up from Regulus’ lips back to his eyes. “Sorry. Not my intention.”

“No?”

James shook his head. “They’re separate things. Wanting to kiss you exists outside of me thinking you would sound great in a Lionhead song.”

James was close again, and their legs were touching and they were just looking at each other. Regulus has been trying not to let his thoughts get away from him. But James just keeps forcing them back in the very front of his mind.

Regulus didn’t think he was ready though. And maybe James was, that wasn’t for Regulus to decide. But he wasn’t. Kissing James, really kissing him, would make all of it real. He wanted to exist in a state of denial for a little bit longer, and he wanted to leave them both with room just in case. Regulus had no plans of suddenly changing his feelings for James, but he had to protect himself in case James did.

Regulus let their foreheads touch, willing himself the strength to turn down James. “I’m not going to kiss you right now,” he said, even though he really wanted to. They were so close, if he were to just lean forward a little bit more.

James smiled. “Always a tease.”

“We’ll get there,” Regulus said.

“Reg?”

“Hmm?”

“This has more than a little to do with you, doesn’t it?” James asked.

Regulus moved back a little. “What?”

“The slow moving. It’s not just because of me, is it?”

Regulus should have expected for James to catch on this quickly, but he didn’t. “No, it’s not.”

James smiled. “Your turn then?” He must have seen the look on Regulus’ face, the one that showed he was about to say no. “Turnabout, right?”

And Regulus couldn’t exactly say no now, otherwise that would make him a hypocrite. He couldn’t expect James to open up if he couldn’t do the same thing. But Regulus couldn’t just come out and say it, not in the way that James did. He didn’t know how to work through the thoughts in his brain unless he was being prompted.

“You need to ask,” Regulus told him.

“What?”

“I don’t know what you want to know unless you ask.”

“Reg-”

“No. No, I need you to ask,” Regulus interrupted. He already knew what James was about to say; that he wanted to know everything. Bully for him, he would have to ask everything then.

“Oh, okay. Why don’t you want to kiss me?”

“I do.”

“Why won’t you?” James corrected.

“Because then there’s no going back,” Regulus said before he could stop himself.

“Do you want to go back?”

“It’s not me I’m worried about.”

“Oh.”

And, yeah. Oh. It wasn’t fair of Regulus to second guess James’ intentions, but he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t used to people actually wanting him, and he was on very uncertain grounds with everything that came with the territory of having James’ attention.

“I’m all in,” James said, causing Regulus to look up.

He couldn’t be all in, Regulus would not let him. “James.”

“I’m serious. Whatever you want this to be, I am all in.”

All in.

That didn’t seem fathomable in Regulus’ mind, and he didn’t want James to be all in. Inevitably, Regulus would find a way to disappoint him, just like he did with his parents, and just like he did with Sirius. The only people that Regulus really trusted to stick around were Barty and Evan, and that was because they didn’t have a choice at this point. They knew too much to not be Regulus’ friend, and he would have to kill them otherwise.

“That’s hard to accept.”

“Why?” James asked, doing exactly what Regulus asked him to. Regulus could answer questions with ease.

“Because you deserve more than what I can give you,” Regulus said. A large part of his insecurities stemmed from that. Regulus wasn’t good enough for James and one day he was going to realize that. Maybe it will be when Regulus inevitably shuts down during a conversation, or when he suddenly goes mute for a couple of days, or when all of his childhood trauma makes James want to run away.

“That’s not true.”

“Well,  you kind of have to say that.”

“I don’t. Reg, I don’t deserve you, if anything.”

“That’s ridiculous.”

“That’s how I feel.”

“I self-destruct sometimes, and I can’t let myself be happy without worrying for the other shoe to drop. And sometimes I am vindictive, even though I’m working on that. And I feel like I am going to ruin you, and that’s the last thing I want to do. but it’s just what I do. I ruin good things because I don’t know how to accept them,” Regulus said, completely ranting at this point.

“You don’t ruin things. And you won’t ruin me,” James said as if it were fact. “And, you yourself said that you’re working on it. That’s the best you can do.”

“You keep trying,” Regulus said, a bit heartbroken that James was spending his energy on him.

James smiled. “I did say I was all in.” There was a small pause, a moment for both of them to take it all in. “You know, I don’t think I’m good enough for you either,” James said.

Regulus snorted, about to say something about how stupid that was before he stopped himself. He knew that there were a lot of people who seemed to idolize James Potter, and Regulus wasn’t one of them. He knew that James was more than just easy smiles and open communication. Still, it felt wrong to Regulus that James thought he wasn’t good enough.

“I don’t know how to accept anything other than happiness, and I’m quick to get angry. And I have a tendency to forget about my own well-being, which I’ve been told is a flaw.”

Regulus smiled. “Whoever said that must have been very smart.”

“You said that.”

“I know. It’s still true.”

James laughed. “Well, I’m working on it. You’re helping.”

“Am I?”

“Mhm. Whether intentionally or not.”

For some inexplicable reason, that made Regulus feel warm. He never really thought of himself as especially helpful, or even able to help. But he was glad that whatever he was doing was helping James.

“Oh.”

James shifted. “Are you busy tomorrow?”

Regulus frowned. James was planning something, Regulus was able to see it behind his eyes. “Depends. Why?”

“Because. I want to go out with you.”

“Out?”

“Yes.”

“To where?”

“It’s a surprise,” James said, clearly excited about it.

“I don’t like surprises.”

“You’ll love this one,” James assured him. In reality, it actually made Regulus more sure that he was going to hate it.

Regulus sighed, already knowing he was going to give in. “I have to help Barty and Evan during the day,” he said, just in case James’ plans were specifically between the hours of noon-four.

“It’s an evening thing.”

And, just so he could have a little bit of leeway, he said, “I’ll let you know.”

“Works for me.”

Regulus stood up. “Okay, now it’s time for you to go,” he said, his mind officially made up. He still couldn’t believe he was doing this.

James pouted, literally. He jutted his bottom lip out while he looked up at Regulus. “Already?”

“Yes. You’re not allowed to be here while I sing.”

James’ whole face lit up. “You’re gonna do it?” he asked, standing up so he was next to Regulus. 

“I am. And it’s not because of you, I would like to make that very clear.”

James did not appear to be listening to a word Regulus said. “I can’t believe you’re gonna do it! Was it me? Did I convince you?”

“You did not.”

“I did it!” James said. Regulus’ words just went in one ear and out the other. “Can I hug you? Is that okay?”

Regulus nodded. “Yeah, that’s okay.”

He barely got the last word out before James was wrapping his arms around him. Regulus got another very strong whiff of James’ cologne, and he just about moaned right there. Regulus did not let it last very long, pulling away pretty quickly. James was warm, yes, but Regulus didn’t really want to be touched. He just made a small exception for James in this moment because he wanted to let James touch him.

“I would like to say that this is not the only reason I came to see you,” James said, making sure Regulus knew his intentions. “I mean, that is why Marlene called me, yes. But I really just wanted to see you.”

“I know.”

James grinned. “You’re coming to the show, right?”

Regulus nodded. “Yeah, in the crowd this time.”

“Oh, right. Cause of Dorcas and Pandora?”

“Mhm.”

“Can’t wait!”

Regulus rolled his eyes a little. “You’re insane.”

“And you’re not?” James countered.

Regulus laughed. He still felt incredibly warm.