Coffee
Regulus Black.
Regulus.
Reg.
He’s just Reg. His Reg.
And he’s all James can think about anymore. It is becoming a sincere problem that does not seem to be getting any better. Especially not after Regulus refused to let James let go of his hand. James was more than fine with it. He could sit here holding Regulus’ hand forever, if Regulus wanted him to.
‘We can be friends’ Regulus had said. Something that James can actually work with.
Friends flirt with each other, right?
James didn’t really know what to do. Regulus had just started crying, and then James was just on autopilot from there. Seeing him cry was…
Is it demented to say it was beautiful?
Perhaps a bit. James recognizes that now is not the time to comment on how beautiful Regulus is. But he trusts James. Or at least trusts him enough to break down like this, to let James slowly remove the rings from Regulus’ hands and try to comfort him.
James doesn't know what happened. He doesn’t know if it was his fault, or if it was something he said. All he knew was that Regulus needed a friend right now, and James could put everything to the side to focus on that. At the very least they were friends, they both knew that by now.
At one point James thought that Regulus fell asleep from how quiet he had gotten. He was just about to turn his head to look when he felt a small weight on his shoulder and hair tickling his face. James purposely did not tense up, and he let Regulus get as comfortable as he needed to.
Plus, now he could officially add ‘Regulus Black’s pillow’ to his resume, and that would probably be the most impressive thing on there. James has written hit songs and won awards and performed at stadiums, but this was still his biggest accomplishment.
Honestly, James thought that their situation would be reversed for a while. What Regulus was saying was… brutal. It was brutal and there was no way around it. Regulus was a good liar, especially when he actually believed what he was saying. Maybe that was the worst part. The way Regulus spoke about himself. James didn’t want or need for Regulus to change, not in the way Regulus thought he had to. Regulus thinks he doesn’t deserve James when it’s really the other way around.
James will never be as smart, or as interesting as Regulus. He’s not even half as talented, and he’s incredibly immature. He has anger issues and can’t properly say how he’s feeling, especially if it’s negative. Regulus is the only person who has ever really been able to get it out of him.
And James likes to think he’s helped Regulus too. James has pushed him to open up more, and to accept spontaneity. Regulus has a whole different career path now then from when James met him. And while he knows that it was mostly Regulus, James likes to think he had at least a little bit to do with it.
So in the end, does it really matter who deserves more. James thinks it’s Regulus; Regulus thinks it’s James, and they’ll never agree.
Regulus thinks that James doesn’t want him, and that’s heartbreaking. James has never wanted anyone more, and he’s fairly sure he’s never wanted before. Not like this, it’s never been like this.
And maybe Regulus just agreed to being friends again before he fell asleep, but why stop there? James just has to prove how much he wants Regulus. He understands why he’s apprehensive, but James just needs to show him that he’s wrong.
James wants Regulus in any way he can get.
It isn’t even just a physical thing. James has never needed sex in the way everyone else seems to. So even if Regulus is making James feel things he’s never really experienced before, there’s so much more to it than that. Regulus was the person who made James see himself differently. Regulus was the one who told James that it wasn’t weird or unnatural, and that there was nothing wrong with him. It was Regulus who helped James feel more comfortable in himself and his sexuality. He still doesn’t know how to name it, or how to even try to. But he doesn’t need to. Labels are just a way to fit yourself in a box, and they work for some people, but James just finds them restricting.
So, it isn’t just physical. James doesn’t necessarily need anything physical with Regulus. He isn’t even sure if he wants it.
James could talk to Regulus for hours. Matter of fact, James could listen to Regulus for hours. Regulus once told James that he wanted to study his brain, and James completely understands. What James would give to just know Regulus. James wants to know everything about him. What keeps him up at night, what makes him happiest, or what makes him the most sad. James wants to know about his childhood from his perspective, not Sirius’. He wants to know what Regulus was really like as a kid, and he wants Regulus to be the one to tell him.
But he’ll take whatever Regulus is willing to give him. Even if it’s friendship and handholding and nothing more. Or even if it’s just Regulus subtweeting him passive-aggressively, which he has actually done multiple times in the past couple of months. They always make James smile though, even if he’s being mean.
“James,” Regulus said, dragging him out of his trance. Even he had started to doze off. Perhaps he should have taken a nap with everyone else. Regulus hadn’t lifted his head up yet. still just laying on James. But he was awake now, not talking in his sleep.
“Reg,” he responded to let him know he was listening.
“I wasn’t joking.”
James didn’t need to ask for clarification. Regulus was not going back on anything he said, and it wasn’t like Jame should force him into something he doesn’t want to do. He can wait though. He will wait.
“Neither was I,” James told him.
———
Somehow, James convinced Regulus to go get coffee with him. James was almost positive that Regulus would refuse to spend any more time with James, as that would have been much more in character for him after he just cried in front of James. But he didn’t, and James thought that maybe Regulus was trying too. In his own way.
Plus, they had to get out of the studio anyway. Somebody else had booked it and it was a miracle that nobody walked in during either their argument or their tiny little nap. James is also 100% going to tell Sirius that he slept with his little brother just to wreak some havoc. And it’s been a while since he’s messed with Sirius, James misses it.
James, unfortunately, does not know Chicago like the back of his hand, no matter how much he would like to. But he also knows better than to get the two of them lost again, and Regulus apparently does too.
“How charged is your phone?” he asked right as they stepped outside. They seemed to be doing the thing where they both ignored everything that just happened, and while James is dying to talk about it, he knows to give Regulus a bit of space to just not think about it.
“You really think I’m going to get us lost again?” James asked.
“You don’t have a very good track record.”
“It was one time.”
“One time too many.”
James smiled. “It's seventy,” he announced after checking it. It was actually at fifty, but James was playing it safe and he really wanted Regulus’ company again. It wasn’t as though they were going to be out for a very long time, just a quick stop and then back to the hotel, probably.
Although, full disclosure, James would not mind if they got lost in Chicago.
They walked in silence. Regulus kept his hands in his pockets, which meant no more hand holding for James. He was fine with it. He still had all of Regulus’ rings and he was planning on keeping at least one of them.
“This is weird,” Regulus said, breaking the silence. It was weird, but it was even weirder for Regulus to be the one to point it out. Normally he didn’t announce things that were so obvious, seeing as that was James’ job.
“Is it?” James asked, having to walk faster than normal. Regulus set a very fast pace, one that James was not used to. He himself walked fast, but Regulus was practically running.
“I forgot, you don’t speak ‘uncomfortable situations’,” Regulus mumbled..
He had a point. James didn’t think there was anything particularly awkward. It wasn’t like this was the first time they’ve ever seen each other, or even hung out one on one.
“You’re uncomfortable?” James asked. He didn’t want to force Regulus to hang out with him if it was making him feel awkward.
Regulus didn’t answer for a moment, looking at James and holding eye contact for a beat and then turning away again.
“I’m always uncomfortable,” he responded. A joke that wasn’t really a joke.
“Even around me?” James asked, because apparently he was a glutton for punishment.
But then again, maybe not. At first James just thought that Regulus was not going to answer at all, but then James watched as he started tapping his fingers on his left hand, pulling it out of his pocket so he could concentrate on doing that.
“No, James. Never around you,” he said quietly. James still heard it, and it made his stomach bubble up again with excitement. Even though he knew that his feelings were reciprocated, it was still nice to hear the little things like that.
***
James Potter was a singer, a performer. He was for the world. He was for the girls that screamed his name and the companies that sold him for money.
James, though? Just James?
James was only his.
Because James wasn’t letting any of those people cling onto his hand or fall asleep on his shoulder. That was just for Regulus, and he hated how much he liked it. He hated how much he liked being singled out by James. He hated that he liked that James made him feel special.
Regulus never should have agreed to coffee, but he was still feeling so out of it. His legs were practically jelly and he still wanted to throw up. So he was not to blame for any of his decisions.
Friends? Really? After all of that fight he folded and agreed to be friends. It’s just… Regulus couldn’t stand being nothing to James, but he couldn’t be more either. It was unfair and Regulus was being extremely selfish. If he were better he would have told James to give up on him and pursue someone else. But he loves it, secretly he loves the attention.
It was hypocritical of Regulus to fault James for just wanting to be wanted when a part of him felt the exact same.
“I fucking love Chicago,” James said as they walked into the coffee shop. It smelled like fresh pastries and coffee beans, and it was surprisingly empty. Although that might have been because it was almost eight at night, and most people would not be on their way to get coffee.
Regulus suppressed a smile. “You’ve mentioned.”
James turned and beamed at him. “Oh, have I?” he said, feigning confusion.
“Once or twice,” Regulus teased, and then immediately stopped himself. What the fuck was happening to him? Less than an hour ago he was ready for James to just leave his life for good, and now what was he doing? Joking with him, probably leading him into a false sense of hope of something that can never be.
“You know, my mum proposed to my dad here,” James said.
Regulus blinked. “What? In this coffee shop?” he asked, suddenly very scared that James was going to make a big love declaration (again) and that Regulus would have to say no publicly. He was still processing earlier, because whether James had realized it or not, he said love.
‘There is so much to love about you.’
Love.
He definitely said it by accident, but Regulus was still thinking about it. Nobody has ever loved Regulus, not in that way. He had been sure that was because he was unloveable, at least he thought that for a while. But Regulus does have friends now, and he does know that they love him. So Regulus instead thinks that he just doesn’t deserve love. He feels a bit like he tricked all of them into loving him. He had manipulated them and not shown who he really was, and now they were trapped.
Safe to say, he couldn’t handle a love confession, or a proposal. He would probably do something stupid like say yes.
“No, just in Chicago,” James said. “They’ve told me the story a million times.”
“What is the story?” Regulus asked.
James smiled. “I’ll tell you after we order,” he said, gesturing for Regulus to go first. Regulus paid too. He didn’t know how else to say thank you, so he just hoped it showed in his actions.
Regulus frowned as he watched James come back to the table they chose with two drinks. Regulus already had his plain coffee with cream and sugar.
“James,” Regulus said, watching as he set one of the mugs in front of Regulus. Whip cream was practically spilling over the edge and it was covered in chocolate drizzle and little pieces of chocolate. “What is this?”
“It’s a mocha,” James told him, bringing the mug up to his lips and taking a sip. Regulus was ashamed to admit how zeroed in he was on James’ lips, watching as he licked away the whipped cream that had gotten on his top lip.
“I see that. Why do I have one?”
“Your coffee just looked so sad.”
“It’s how I like my coffee.”
James nodded. “I know. But… well, I’m expanding your palate.”
“Oh, really?”
“Yeah. I mean what if you go somewhere and they don’t have cream? What are you supposed to do then, Reg?”
“If they don’t have cream they probably won’t have mocha either,” Regulus pointed out. Cream and sugar were fundamentals to any place that sold coffee.
“You never know.”
“I’m actually pretty confident in this one.”
James smiled, pushing Regulus’ mug closer to him. “It’s a win-win here.”
“I don’t see how.”
“If you like it, then I was right and you have a new coffee to drink. If you hate it, then you were right and I have two mochas,” James explained. His thinking was so backwards sometimes, but Regulus was too amused to not take a small sip.
It was hot, that was the first thing he noticed. It was also a bit chalky, not smooth like the drinks he preferred to drink.
James was just watching him, waiting for a verdict.
“I was right,” Regulus said simply, setting the mug down and pushing it gently to James’ side of the table.
He smiled. “And I get two drinks!”
“You’re ridiculous.”
“You have whipped cream on your face,” James said suddenly, already reaching out to wipe it away.
Regulus did not move, he just let James run his thumb over his lips, getting rid of the residue that was left there. And if Regulus didn’t die from that, then the sight of James putting that same thumb in his mouth, licking it off and still just looking at Regulus…
Regulus can’t be positive that he didn’t moan.
“Don’t worry,” James said, as if nothing had happened. “We’ll find you a drink you like.”
Regulus actually could not respond, and instead he took a sip of his coffee, trying to keep his hands and mind busy.
“You alright?” James asked, fully just teasing him.
“Shut up,” Regulus managed.
“I thought you wanted to hear my story,” James said with a small pout.
Regulus really wanted to kiss him again. He’s sorry, he is, but it’s so true. There were so many things about James that Regulus liked to think about, but the way James kissed him had to take the cake. And that was a very dangerous way to think because they were friends, just friends.
“Tell your story.”
“I thought you wanted me to shut up,” James said next, fully just grinning at Regulus’ frustration. “Do you want to shut me up, Reg?”
Regulus glared at him. “I will literally leave right now,” Regulus threatened. He would too. He has dealt with more than enough embarrassment today, in fact he doesn’t even want to think about it. He is refusing to deal with anything right now, even though he knows how unhealthy it really is.
“Before you get a chance to shut me up?”
“Potter-”
“We’re friends. I know,” James nodded, finishing Regulus’ sentence for him. Still, the way James was acting wasn’t very ‘just friends’ of him.
“So, your story,” Regulus prompted.
“Right. My story,” James agreed, and then did not elaborate.
“Are you going to tell it?” Regulus said eventually. James was just idly drinking his mocha and looking out the window all dramatic like.
“Shh, I’m getting in the mood.”
“Right, of course,” Regulus mumbled with a small eye roll.
“Once upon a time, Euphemia Montrel got impatient,” James began. Regulus was starting to regret ever asking. “Her long term boyfriend of almost four years had still not popped the question.”
“Oh, the horror,” Regulus said. It earned him a small laugh from James who then immediately tried to get back into character. James had to be the only person in the world who thought Regulus was actually funny.
“So, she took matters into her own hands. One night, Euphemia and Fleamont went ice skating. Neither of them can ice skate. So, whilst holding onto the wall for balance, Fleamont tried to help Euphemia up off the ice. She just stared at him for a moment, and then she asked! And then they had me, the most perfect and swell son to ever exist,” James finished, unsurprisingly adding in some self boasting comments.
Still, Regulus found himself smiling. He was so far gone for James.
“I should have guessed that Euphemia was the one to propose,” Regulus said eventually. It did not surprise him in the slightest, especially after meeting both of them. James was mostly a combination of his parents, but Regulus could see the need to propose after James simply waited too long.
Not that… Well not that Regulus would ever propose to James. Or vice versa. Because they’re friends, and friends don’t get engaged. And Regulus doesn’t even want to be married anyway. So… yeah. No.
“Fitting right?” James mused. “I can’t wait to be married,” he said simply, because marriage was simple for him. Or at least it wasn’t as taxing as it was for Regulus. He didn’t grow up with two parents in a happy marriage like James did, and it wouldn’t be fair to fault either of them for their views on it.
This felt almost like a test, although he knew it wasn’t. Regulus was probably supposed to chime in and agree, but as already established, Regulus is not as good at lying to James as he initially thought.
Something unpleasant settled in Regulus’ stomach, reminding him why he was so against dating James in the first place. They were far too different, and James should be with somebody who can give him everything he wants. Like marriage and kids. Oh, James probably wants kids.
Regulus has known for a very long time now that he should not be a father. He doesn’t know the proper way to love a child, or the proper way to even raise one. James knows all of that stuff, and Regulus thinks for a moment that James will be a good father one day.
“Unless you’re against it, of course,” James said, finishing his sentence almost a minute later.
“We’re not getting married, James,” Regulus said harshly. He needed James to get it through his head, and he needed to get rid of that lingering hope. They were friends and should only ever be friends.
James nodded. “Okay, fine with me. It’s just a contract, you know?”
Regulus didn’t want to do it. He hated feeling like he was hurting James, and he was pretty sure he was. If the way he was feeling had any comparison to how James was feeling… Well, Regulus knew he wasn’t a good person, but he was going to have a special place in hell for treating James like this.
“James-”
“I know, Reg. I do,” James interrupted, and Regulus looked up from his mug to find James staring right at him.
Regulus nodded and looked back down at his mug.
Friends.
***
James was ninety-three percent sure this was a date.
He was one hundred percent sure that Regulus did not see it as such, but why argue semantics? James had asked him out on a date earlier, and he was pretty sure that Regulus never explicitly said no. So, in his mind, that counts.
Of course, he knows that as soon as he addresses that it is indeed a date, Regulus will disagree with him and then ask to go back to the hotel. So, James has not pointed it out yet. He also quickly changed the topic of marriage, realizing that it was not a happy one for Regulus.
He sort of expected it, if he’s honest. And James really does have no problem with never being married, so long as he’s spending his time with the love of his life, it doesn’t really matter. He has never needed a certificate to prove it anyway. His parents were married and they were happy, but James has come to learn that they’re the exception to most things.
James wishes that Regulus could have grown up with him like Sirius did. Sirius had it really bad for a really long time, yes, but ever since Sirius was eleven years old, Euphemia has been his mother. It took longer for Sirius to accept than anyone else, but he has come to accept it. James wishes Regulus could have had that too; a mother’s unconditional love.
James isn’t sure if Walburga loves her son’s, but he knows that if she does then it is not without conditions.
“So, Mr. Regulus,” James said, fully aware that Regulus is still being self deprecating in his head. James wants to reach in and grab all of the negative thoughts out of there, but he knows that’s not possible. James can be patient though, and he can slowly dismantle each and everyone of those thought processes that cause him to spiral. He can prove to Regulus just how worth it he is.
Regulus looked up again, still fiddling with his hands under the table where he thought James couldn’t see them. James always noticed though. Regulus tried to hide his tells, but it was much harder for him to do so when he had James’ full attention.
“Mr. James,” Regulus repeated, eyes already sparkling again.
James was not kidding about his eyes. God, those eyes could get Regulus whatever he wanted. James really was just another man at the mercy of Regulus Black.
James smiled at him. “You’re a producer now, you know?”
Regulus pulled his lips in for a moment, trying to hide a smile. “I wouldn’t say that just yet.”
“I would.”
“I wouldn’t.”
“I would,” James insisted.
Regulus sighed. “Okay, James.”
“Good! Good. So, you can help me make a song, then?” James asked, knowing it was a complete shot in the dark.
Regulus only stared at him for a moment. “Not alone.”
“Why not?”
“Because we’re friends,” Regulus reminded him.
“For now,” James said. He had a tendency to be overconfident, but things usually worked out.
“James,” Regulus said, letting James know he was on very thin ice. He already knew, but James has always loved a bit of a thrill.
“I mean, our first date is already going really well, I think.”
Regulus actually spit out his coffee, choking on it and coughing. James simply went up and grabbed some napkins for him, cleaning off the table.
James can say that the response was just as dramatic as he anticipated it would be.
“We are not on a date,” Regulus said.
James shrugged. “We are.”
“How are we on a date?”
“I asked you on one, and now we’re here.”
“I paid,” Regulus pointed out.
James nodded. “I know. Messed things up a little, but it’s fine. I’ll get it next time.”
“There will be no next time.”
“You sound confident,” James said with a smile.
“James, I’m serious.”
“I thought you were Regulus,” James said because he literally could not help himself. Sirius would have appreciated the joke, at least.
“Do you want me to burn you alive?”
“Kinky. Sounds fun.”
“Oh my God.”
“I’d prefer if you called out my name, actually,” James said.
“James!” Regulus said, a mix between angry and flustered. His cheeks were red and James didn’t know if it was because he was blushing or because he was actually planning James’ murder.
“Just like that, baby.”
“You need to stop.”
“Do I?”
“Yes. You do.”
James leaned back in his chair, a cocky grin on his face. “Why’s that, ducky?”
“Do not call me ducky,” Regulus said, a look of disgust on his face.
“What can I call you, then?”
“Regulus.”
“Can I call you mine instead?” James asked. Regulus stood up, shaking the table with how angrily he did so. This was actually much more fun now that he knew how Regulus felt about him. Even if they weren’t actually dating, it wasn’t like Regulus could stop him from making jokes. “Everything alright, ducky?”
“I’m going to the bathroom,” Regulus mumbled, storming off angrily.
James fought the urge to follow him. They could get up to all kinds of things in the bathroom, and James was trying not to get too far ahead of himself.
***
Regulus could not center himself. His cheeks were embarrassingly bright red, and his stupid fucking eyes would not stop with that happy glow. James was flirting with him, more openly than he ever really has, and Regulus needs to put an end to it. He cannot be doing this back and forth with him, not when nothing will ever come of it.
James needs to think before he speaks, and he needs to stop making Regulus feel this fucking giddy. They were doomed before they ever even started, but James does not seem to be picking up on that.
And what does he mean? They’re on a date? Regulus is certain that they’re not. He refuses for his first date with James to be one he didn’t even know about.
Not that they’re going to date. But if they were, Regulus would have to know about it beforehand. Which is exactly what makes this not a date. It’s just not. Even before considering the fact that Regulus was in a ball on the floor just a couple of hours ago, literally crying because he can’t let James date him.
8:22pm
Regulus: James is flirting with me
Pandora: yay!!!
Evan: so you guys worked things out?
Barty: finally !!
Regulus: No.
We didn’t.
And you’re all dead to me, by the way
But James is flirting with me and how do I get him to stop
Barty: be honest
You don’t want him to stop
Regulus: I do
I like actually need him to or I am going to end up with an embarrassing boner in public and that cannot happen
Dorcas: just shag him????
Regulus: What the fuck???
No. No that is the worst idea yet
Pandora: so you don’t want to shag him?
Regulus: That is not the point.
Evan: isn’t it?
Regulus: I cried in front of him today.
Barty: oh.
You alright mate?
Regulus: Barty, literally what the fuck do you think?
Barty: love you too reggie <3
Regulus: Sorry. Bad day.
Anyway
It doesn’t matter whether or not I like him flirting with me or if I want to shag him because I cannot.
We’re not dating.
Evan: I’m confused
Dorcas: I second that
Barty: evan, did we or did we not send him to profess his undying love for regulus
Evan: we did
I am positive that we did
Regulus: He tried.
Well, he did, I guess.
Long story.
Pandora: I have the feeling it’s actually a short story and you just don’t want to tell it
Regulus: That is exactly what is happening, yes
Dorcas: pray tell, regulus
Regulus: I won’t date him. Basically.
Regulus would have explained further, but he heard a knock on the door.
“Reg?” James asked. Of course he fucking followed Regulus here. Oh, Regulus wanted to do something really stupid. Stupid like open the door and drag him into the bathroom and literally shag him senseless. Stupid like that.
“Yeah?” he said, his voice quieter than he meant for it to be.
“Are you alright?”
No, actually. I’m not alright. The funny thing is that I’m fucking insanely attracted to you and I like you a lot no matter how hard I am fighting it. And I really, really want to kiss you again, but you ran away last time and that’s the reason we’re in this mess.
“I’m fine,” Regulus said because he couldn’t say what he was really thinking.
“Liar.”
Well, couldn’t he? An abridged version, at least.
Regulus opened the door. He had not cooled down even a little bit, and his cheeks were literally burning. But Regulus was done tip toeing around, and he was ready for round two.
“Why did you leave?” Regulus asked. After all of this time, he still hasn’t received a proper answer. He isn’t necessarily looking for an apology. James has apologized far too much for something that is so inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.
James frowned in confusion. “I didn’t leave. I’m right here.”
“I’m talking about that night.”
“What ni… Oh. That night.”
“That night,” Regulus confirmed.
James seemed to realize that they were done playing games. “You are not going to like my answer,” James said after a moment.
“Because it’s bullshit?”
“No. But it’s going to sound like it is.”
Regulus could not wait.
***
James will not lie, he’s surprised that Regulus asked now. He’s surprised he asked at all, and yet he’s surprised that Regulus waited so long for an explanation.
James hoped that when the time came to explain himself that he would have something better than ‘I was scared’. Alas, the time has finally come and James does not have any other reason.
Regulus had his arms crossed, and he was leaning far back in his chair. James figured they should be sitting down for this, and while he felt bad being the only people here, he didn’t want to put this off any longer by proposing a new location.
“You were scared?” Regulus said, completely unimpressed.
It sounded so lame, but it was true. And all he could tell Regulus was the truth.
“I know how it sounds-”
“Don’t,” Regulus interrupted. His jaw was slightly clenched and he was biting on the inside of his cheek. James waited a long time before Regulus said something again. “You’re an idiot.”
James tried to fight a smile, but it was no use. Idiot was practically a term of endearment now. “I know,” James said. He was in complete agreement. He really was an idiot.
“I mean who does that?”
“I mean-”
“Wait,” Regulus said, freezing slightly. James waited, confused at this sudden turn in demeanor and unsure how to proceed. “Oh fuck me. James,” Regulus said, clenching his eyes shut.
“I mean, since you asked so nicely,” James said, unsurprisingly getting an eye roll from Regulus.
“Shut the fuck up.”
“Bet you could shut-”
“We aren’t going down this road again.”
James nodded. “Later then, ducky.”
Regulus seemed conflicted between saying two things, and James knew that one of them was the urge to tell James to shut up again. Instead, he took a deep and collected breath. It was in moments like these where James could see how much Regulus has changed. It’s kind of aweing to witness in person.
“You were scared,” Regulus said eventually. He was choosing his words carefully, thinking them through.
“I was.”
Regulus sighed, covering his hands with his face. James really didn’t understand why he seemed to be going through so much inner turmoil.
“Fuck. Okay. Fuck. James?”
“Regulus,” James said slowly.
“I shouldn’t have asked you to… I mean… Like right after you told me about your relationship with intimacy and sex… And I just… I shouldn’t have.”
James frowned. This felt like it was coming out of left field. James never blamed Regulus for anything, and he especially was not upset with him about the kiss. “Reg, what are you talking about?”
“I just assumed. And I shouldn’t have done that. I mean… you told me that you only felt that way about one person… And I asked you to kiss me. Oh. Fuck. I- It’s all my fault.”
James did not know what to say. For starters, he didn’t know Regulus remembered all of the things James said. And he didn’t think Regulus was at fault.
“Well, to be fair, you were the one person I felt that way about,” James said, thinking he could make it better.
“I am a horrible person.”
“I- What? No, Reg. Stop that.”
“No, I am. Horrible. I am horrible. I- This is not fair to you.”
James was so lost now. He was following behind Regulus and then turned away for one second, and now they were both lost in the maze.
“What are you talking about?” Regulus did not seem to be listening to James at all though. He was mumbling things under his breath in French, and James did not speak French. “Reg?”
Regulus looked up, a little bit like a deer in headlights. James got the feeling that something was wrong. Whatever he was about to say was not going to be good. James didn’t normally have a sense for this, he was usually caught off guard and left scrambling to catch up. But it was written all over Regulus’ face.
“You like me,” Regulus said. It seemed like he was just talking to himself so James did not reply. “James… I- You need to stop. Okay? Pick someone else, or don’t. But I really, really need you to not like me.”
“What?” James said. He didn’t know what else to say. Obviously it wasn’t that simple. Whether Regulus liked it or not, James liked him. A lot. And yeah, it was new for him and maybe it was new for Regulus too, but he had to know that was not how it worked. Regulus was under his skin, and James was content to keep him there.
“We can’t be friends.”
“Regulus, stop.”
“No. No, I-”
“I’m being serious. Stop talking.”
***
Regulus stopped. He’s never heard James be so… Well, for lack of a better word, he’s never seen James be so serious.
He didn’t mean to go full breakdown again, and he actually didn’t even get that far. Regulus just felt bad now.
But James told him that he doesn’t really get crushes. James told him about the person that was making him experience all of these things for the first time. Regulus would never judge him for it, but he never expected it to be him. That was so much pressure, and Regulus was not the man for the job. There were so many people out there that would be better to James, and that could be gentle and patient with him. Regulus was probably the worst person James could have picked.
“You know I can’t just stop, right?” James asked.
Regulus did know that, he knew it too well. Because he had tried to stop liking James only for it to get worse. Still, he hoped that maybe James was lying- he wasn’t entirely convinced this wasn’t all some big joke. Things would be so much easier if it were, and maybe it would hurt more for Regulus, but he was fine with that.
“I know.”
“Can you tell me why you’re so against this? Honestly?”
There were literally so many reasons. There were so many completely valid reasons that Regulus has already tried explaining, and James had a rebuttal for every single one.
“You’re on tour,” Regulus said, even though he knew it was a weak argument.
“Tours don’t last forever.”
Sometimes, Regulus wished they would. Regulus wished this tour would last forever and then neither of them would have to face reality. James could travel the world and perform, and Regulus could do his job with his head down.
“I never meant to make you like me,” Regulus said. He was done trying to prove it. All he had left were insinuations of apologies that Regulus could never actually make. He couldn’t apologize because a part of him wasn’t sorry.
“You didn’t make me do anything,” James said, and oh, how Regulus wished it were true.
“I do. I always do. I make people care about me, and I lure them in with a false sense of security, and then I just- I shut them out.”
“Reg…”
“I mean, I did it to you. I ignored your calls and your texts because I was upset that you left. That wasn’t fair of me.”
“That was my fault,” James said.
Regulus shook his head. He had never even considered a reality where it was James’ fault. “It wasn’t even. Because I pressured you into kissing me.”
“You didn’t.”
“I did,” Regulus said. There was no changing his mind about that one. He was the one who told James to kiss him and then completely iced him out. Maybe if Regulus would have just communicated instead of shutting him out. But he didn’t do that because he didn’t know how to, and now they were in this mess where James thought he had feelings for Regulus.
“Regulus, at that moment, the only thing I was thinking about doing was kissing you,” James said.
“But would you have done it?” There was a difference between thinking about doing something and actually doing it.
“No,” James said, and Regulus was about to point out that he was literally proving his point. “But that’s because I thought you didn’t want me to.”
Of course Regulus wanted him to. He wants him to right now. He wants him always.
But that’s selfish, and Regulus knew he couldn’t be selfish here. Regulus didn’t pity James for his lack of experience, but he was cautious about it. James didn’t really want Regulus, at least not in the way that Regulus wanted him.
“Do you? Want me to, I mean,” James asked. He was looking at Regulus like it was what he wanted, and Regulus already knew he would drop to his knees if James asked him to. But James wouldn’t ask, and Regulus had already made his mind up about them.
“No,” Regulus lied.
“Really?” James asked. “Because I want to.”
He doesn’t know what he’s saying. He doesn’t. Because Regulus is not wired to have a relationship. He has too many insecurities and issues for any sort of long lasting connection. And Regulus knew that if he started things with James that it would be it. Regulus would never find anybody better and James would resent Regulus for hiding so much from him.
“You don’t,” Regulus told him.
“I do.”
Regulus takes a deep breath. “James. I can’t be in a relationship with you.”
James nods, sitting back a little bit. He sees this for what it is, and that’s Regulus trying to be honest. It was never about the two of them or about James or about how complicated their lives are. Regulus’ issues were about him.
“Okay. Why not?”
He was really going to make Regulus say it? “Because I can’t be in a relationship.”
“Why not?”
Regulus blinked. He didn’t really want to explain that it was for reasons that were entirely self pitying, but James was being patient. Regulus hated it when he was patient with him.
“Oh. Well, I’m kind of a mess,” Regulus said, more bashful than he’s ever been. What is it about James that makes him feel this way?
James laughs, letting his head hang for a moment before looking right back at Regulus with his fucking eyes. Regulus hates James for many things, and he thinks his eyes have got to take the cake. They’re infuriatingly gorgeous.
“You are,” James agreed.
Regulus rolled his eyes. “Charming.”
“I’m a mess too, you know?” James said, changing the conversation.
***
James has never said anything more true. Mess. What a beautifully simple word to explain what they were. James is always too much. He takes up too much space and he loves too loudly, and he knows all of this about himself. Toning it down has never worked much for him though, seeing as he doesn’t know how to be anything other than constant noise and energy.
A small smile was teasing at Regulus’ lips. “You? You’re not a mess,” Regulus tells him like he’s sure of the fact.
James just shakes his head. He’s a mess in plenty of aspects of his life, but most especially he’s a mess when it comes to Regulus. James has never really been able to hold back with him. He flirts and he teases because that’s how he combats everything else he’s really thinking about.
“Oh, you have no idea. You make me a mess.”
Regulus raises an eyebrow. “I make you a mess?” James nodded. “No, it’s the other way around.”
“Really?” James said. He is dying to know how he makes Regulus a mess, and it’s a much better topic of conversation than the same one they’ve been having for the past couple of hours now. “Do tell.” Regulus very quickly recognizes this as a challenge, and James only proposed it because he’s sure that he’s going to win. Regulus seems to be very cocky though.
“I was jealous of Benjy,” Regulus admits. James realizes just how good of an idea this was because now he’ll get to know all of the time’s he’s made Regulus stupid. It’s only fair.
“Me too,” James tells him. It was a very fleeting thing, but he had seen Benjy and Regulus laughing together weeks ago, and he instantly went for jealousy.
Regulus frowned. “You’re an idiot.”
James nodded. “As we’ve already established, you sort of bring it out of me.”
Regulus tries to fight a smile, and he’s almost successful. But the little movement at the corner of his lips gives him away every time. “I was jealous of that waitress, too.”
James already knew this, but Regulus never admitted it before now. “Ella, I remember.”
“Of course you remember her name.”
“Are you still jealous?” James teases.
“No.”
It’s a lie. James can tell by the way his gaze darts away for just a moment. Still, because he’s kind, he doesn’t point it out.
“I think a part of me died when you came out wearing lip gloss,” James admits. He isn’t embarrassed about any of this either. In fact, he’s been wanting to tell Regulus the effect he’s had on him for quite some time now.
“Once I had a dream about your hair,” Regulus said.
“Really?” James was far too delighted, and Regulus was too busy trying to win to be embarrassed, so really they were both getting something out of this.
“Yes. After I touched it that one time.”
James nodded. “I remember.” And he does remember. He revisits that moment far too often. Just the two of them in the stairwell, being vulnerable with each other, and Regulus touched his hair. Yes, James thinks about it far too often for how innocent of a touch it was. “I think it’s really hot when you smoke.”
Regulus presses his lips together in an attempt to hide another smile. “I’m ruining my lungs, you know?”
“It’s hot,” he said, unashamed. It was. James knew smoking was dreadful for you, but he couldn’t not help it. Maybe he just had an obsession with Regulus’ lips.
“I lied to make you happy,” Regulus said, driving the conversation away from his looks. That’s fine. James could shower him with compliments any time.
“You lied?”
“A small lie.”
“I don’t get it,” James said.
“I cared that you were happy. So, I lied. It’s awful.”
“What did you lie about?”
Regulus shrugged. “Small things. Miami and such.”
“Miami?”
“I knew we were going to Miami.”
It clicks then. It was one of the first days that James met Regulus, and he had wanted him to be surprised with how delightful of a destination they were at. He couldn’t believe Regulus faked not knowing.
“Oh.”
“Yeah.”
Still, he can’t help but be happy about it.
“I lied to Sirius about you,” James said. That was probably one of the biggest examples at how stupid Regulus made him, and James didn’t even mind.
“So did I.”
“I fled the room after I kissed you.”
This time Regulus doesn’t try and stop the laugh that tumbles past his lips. James feels like he just won something. “That was really fucking stupid.”
“I know,” James agreed, a huge grin on his face.
“I fled the country after you kissed me.”
James loves the way Regulus can make anything sound like the most dramatic scenario ever. “I wrote a song about you.”
“A song?”
“Or two.”
“Two?”
“I might have filled the last twenty pages of my notebook with lyrics about you, actually.”
“You’re joking.”
“I’m not.”
If Regulus is searching for a way to one up him, James doesn’t think he’s going to find it. Almost every night he would stay up late and write sappy lyrics about Regulus. He never really planned to show anybody since most of them were not completed songs, but they were there. James would read them back sometimes and he would just smile. They were mostly happy songs. Mostly.
Regulus sits up a bit straighter. “I slept with someone and imagined it was you,” he says.
Both of their eyes seemed to widen at the same time, but for two entirely different reasons. Regulus is embarrassed and shocked that he even said that. James is helplessly amused and dying to know more.
“You did?”
“Forget I said that.”
***
He was so stupid. He had been planning on taking that to his grave. Why did he say that? That’s not a thing that normal people do.
Stupid James and their stupid competition. Regulus was almost certain he won, but at what cost? Because right now, he wanted to bury himself six feet under and let bugs feed off of his dead corpse.
But James was fucking grinning like a madman, and Regulus really never should have told him about Edgar. He still felt awful, and remorse was not a feeling that he was even accustomed to, which just made everything worse.
“Reg-”
“Seriously, forget I said that.”
“Was I any good?” James asked because he was horrible and mean.
Regulus knew his cheeks were bright red now. There were so many other things that he could have said. James regularly made Regulus make stupid decisions, and anything would have been better than admitting that.
“Shut up.”
“I’m dying to know.”
Regulus looked down. “You were awful,” he mumbled. And it was awful because it wasn’t actually James. Regulus had wished it was, and now he was wishing it never happened.
“Harsh. Well, I assure you, I am much better in real life,” James said cockily. Was Regulus dead? He was pretty sure that he literally passed away by now. Or maybe that was just wishful thinking. If he were dead then he wouldn’t have to be having this conversation. “Wanna test it?”
“I am not sleeping with you,” Regulus said loudly. It got the attention of the baristas behind the counter, and now Regulus just really wanted to leave.
James shrugged. “Okay, fine with me.”
Regulus cleared his throat. A part of him wished he could affect James in the way he affected Regulus, but he didn’t have that innate confidence that made James say stupid things. “I want to leave.”
“Already?” James said with a pout.
“Yes.”
Of course, James spread out the time as much as he could. He apologized to the baristas for taking up so much time and for staying so late. They seemed annoyed by it, but they promised them that it was alright. Still, James gave both of them two hundred dollars for their troubles, and that seemed to perk up their moods entirely.
The hotel wasn’t a far walk, and they barely needed the directions that Regulus made James pull up on his phone. It was necessary though. Regulus was not willing to have a repeat of Las Vegas.
The mood had switched again though, and Regulus could tell that James wanted to say something. He prayed that James would just keep silent. It’s been a very long night, and Regulus isn’t sure he can handle any more conversation.
“Regulus?” James said. He almost didn’t answer, and he was willing to just pretend James never said anything.
But James has been annoyingly patient and kind, more so than Regulus deserves. He’s been awful to James all night because he doesn’t know how to be anything else but mean.
“James,” he responded softly. He was keeping an awkward amount of space between them, but he thought it was necessary.
“I’m not going to pressure you into a relationship with me. I… I get why you’re hesitant. And I know nothing is ever cut and dry. But… Well, I do want to be your friend. Even if nothing ever comes from it, you know? Because I do really like you, and I’ll take whatever you’re willing to give me.”
Regulus’ throat feels dry. That’s honesty. James is being honest, and now it’s Regulus’ turn.
“You deserve more than my crumbs,” he says eventually. James deserves someone who’s ready to give him everything.
“You deserve everything,” James responds, his voice quiet and soft.
“You can’t say things like that.”
“Why not?”
“I’ll start to believe it,” Regulus whispers. He lets James walk a bit closer to him now, no longer trying to keep up the illusion of distance.
“Good.”
Regulus reaches a decision. “We can be friends.”
“Yeah?”
“Yes.”
“I’m glad.”
“You shouldn’t be.”
“But I am.”
“I don’t want you to get your hopes up.”
James shakes his head. “I have no expectations. We’ll go at your pace.”
“No,” Regulus said.
“No?”
“I- We’ll go at our pace,” Regulus says, emphasizing the fact that they were both in control here. “Because there’s some things I am ready for you that you might not be. And vice versa.”
“Are you talking about sex?” James asked bluntly.
Regulus shrugged. “Partially.”
“Is that what you want?”
“I mean, not right now. But, James, I cannot stress this enough, okay? Even if we’re together for thirty years, we don’t have to have sex. Ever.”
“I don’t know if I can believe that you’d be happy with that,” James admits quietly.
Regulus knows that this is an important conversation, and he knows that it’s full of a bunch of ‘what if’s”, but he’s telling the truth. He would be fine if James never touched him, and he knows that’s not the reason he even likes him. Sex makes the list, if one day James wants it, but Regulus hardly needs it to be happy.
“I know. But it’s true.”
“That’s… hard to accept.”
Regulus managed a small smile. “Yeah, and it’s hard for me to accept that you’d be fine if we’re just friends.”
“I just want you in my life.”
Sometimes, James said things that made Regulus think. He tended to speak before thinking, and sometimes it just hit Regulus right in the heart.
“I think… I think we can teach each other acceptance,” James said. The hotel was in view now, which meant their night was coming to a close.
They would go into their separate rooms, pointedly not together. Because they were not together. They were just friends.
“Yeah, maybe.”
———
“That was a fun date,” James said as they got to their floor.
Regulus shook his head. “Not a date.”
“It was, ducky. There’s no denying it.”
Regulus felt himself smile a little bit. “Well it was the worst date I’ve been on, then,” he said, stopping at his door and getting the key out of his pocket.
James pressed a hand to his chest, feigning hurt. “Was I not a perfect gentleman, Regulus?”
Regulus faced him, not even caring that his stomach was alight with butterflies. It was embarrassing, and it was all because of James.
“Perhaps too gentlemanly.”
“I could say the same about you.”
“Do tell.”
James leaned against the wall, head turned to face Regulus entirely as he looked at him with slightly hooded eyes. “I mean not even a goodnight kiss for all of my trouble? Who knew you were such a prude?”
Regulus raised an eyebrow. “I wasn’t aware friends exchange goodnight kisses,” Regulus said, testing him to see if it was what he really wanted. Regulus knew what he wanted, and he also knew that their friendship was something very, very fragile.
“They do when they go on dates,” James tells him.
“Oh, well in that case.” Regulus leans in and presses a small, light kiss to James’ cheek. He feels how warm it is from just that small moment of contact, and he knows his face is equally as hot. “Satisfied?”
“Immensely so. Thank you.”
“Mhm,” Regulus mused, trying not to melt. He doesn’t do things like that. He isn’t gentle with people, not normally.
“Goodnight, Regulus,” James said, bowing at him a little bit. Their rooms were directly across from each other, and Regulus leaned against his door a little bit, feeling bittersweet as he watched James walk away.
“Goodnight, James.”